The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 2 - To Bowl or Not to Bowl - full transcript
Felix begs out of the bowling championship.
He did it! He did it! He did it!
I knew he was
gonna get us that one!
Well, Herlihy, we
won one game apiece.
Next week we play
for the championship.
Yeah, okay, okay. So
you got lucky tonight.
We've been
champs for five years,
and we'll still be
champs after next week.
Yeah?
Yeah? You want to
lay a little bet on that?
Good idea. $25 a man?
Make it $50.
You got yourself a deal.
All right.
(all laugh)
So long, sucker.
You're never gonna win $50
unless you take bowling lessons!
Me?
You bowl rotten!
Five times you tripped
over your lucky laces.
Yeah, but one of those
times I got a strike.
So what? It didn't count.
Your nose went
over the foul line.
Fellas, you're bickering.
And you, Vinnie,
you bowled worse
than usual if that's possible.
Thank goodness we got you.
You're bowling like a champ.
You're terrific!
What about you? You
bowled a rotten game.
You'd be absolutely worthless
if you didn't know how to
jimmy the coffee machine.
Fellas, I don't like this.
(patronizing tone): No, don't
concern yourself with any of this.
Here, put your shoe trees
in your bowling shoes.
Go ahead, buddy.
Now, look, if we're
gonna beat these guys,
we gotta practice
every night, right?
Oh, I can't tomorrow
night, Oscar.
My kid's in the
school health pageant.
He's playing a decayed tooth.
What's more important, Murray,
bowling or watching
your kid rot?
He already shaved...
he shaved part of his
head and painted it brown.
I gotta go.
Oh, he'll understand.
It's the championship.
Come on. What do you say?
Oscar, the man wants
to watch his little boy...
You're concerning
yourself again.
Don't do that. Let the
captain take care of that, huh?
What do you say, Murray?
Okay, you can count on me.
Good boy. We're gonna
win the championship.
And to the trophy!
To the trophy!
To the trophy!
And to the guy who's
gonna win it for us,
our star bowler and
high roller, Felix Unger.
Put your hand right
there, huh, buddy?
Don't look at me.
I'm quitting the team.
You're quitting?
You're our star bowler.
You can't do that.
I just did.
Why?
I'm sick and tired of all
this fighting and yelling.
That's why. What yelling?
Oscar, bowling used to be
four swell guys getting together
for an evening of fun.
We still have fun.
Will you shut up, Murray,
and let me handle this?!
We still have fun.
You call this fun?
All this pressure
to win, win, win?
It's like Little League.
All you know is winning.
That's not healthy.
Losing is healthy?
If you feel that
strongly about it,
okay, next season you
can drop off the team,
but why would you in the
last week before the finals?
Why would you withdraw then?
You know how much
this means to me.
And besides you got $50 a
man riding on your golden arm.
That's another point. What?
You're betting entirely
too much money.
I don't like it. I'm hanging
up my ball. I'm through.
That's it?
That's it.
And you're not gonna
change your mind?
No, I'm not. I'm through.
Okay, fellas, I guess
that's it. Let's go.
Just like that?
No hard feelings?
Why should there
be hard feelings?
So you won't bowl, huh?
(all yelling)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
All right... I get the point.
Good.
I'm not exactly a
dummy, you know?
That's one of the
world's best-kept secrets.
I think we should
talk about this, Oscar.
Don't you?
After all, we've learned
to talk to the Russians.
We've learned to
talk to the Chinese.
Can't we talk to each other?
You gonna bowl in the finals?
No.
Then go talk to the Chinese.
I told you why I quit
your stupid bowling team.
It's a matter of principle.
I'd do it again.
My principles mean a lot to me.
Yeah? Well, look at this.
(blows raspberry)
That's for your principles.
You understand
that?! (blows raspberry)
(door buzzer sounds)
Come in!
FELIX: Boy, are you crude.
El Crudo.
La Crème de la Crude!
You think that's crude?
I'm gonna show you...
You wanna see crude?
There. That's crude!
That's doesn't bother
me. That's no skin off...
Yes, sir! Here, here we go.
Hey! Hey!
Get off my table, you bum!
Get out of my sight!
You're not safe,
Felix! Go to your room!
In fact, you're not safe
in any place that
contains me and my fist.
Now go to your room!
You don't frighten me.
Did you hear what I
said? Go to your room!
Did you hear what I said?
You don't frighten me.
Go to your room!
I don't have to take this.
I'm going to my room.
You guys having a fight?
Still won't bowl, huh?
That's bad, Oscar,
that's real bad.
You telling me?
Yeah. I just spoke to Herlihy.
He said no
substitutes for Felix.
What good would that do anyway?
We don't need a substitute.
We need Felix.
Well, then we better just
forfeit the trophy, that's all.
We're not gonna forfeit nothing.
I'm gonna get him
to bowl on the team.
You gonna keep dancing
on the coffee table?
He says he doesn't like winning.
He says he doesn't
like competition.
I'm gonna show him what
life is like without competition.
How?
Well, you know our poker
game tomorrow night?
When I get through with him,
he's gonna beg us to
come back on the team.
Yeah, and we won't let him.
Get out, Murray.
Come on, Felix, sit
down. I started the game.
I put you in.
Oh, thank you very much.
Always try to use
your coasters, fellas.
Oh, sorry.
Murray?
I'll take two.
Two for my friend Murray.
Why, thank you, Oscar.
You're entirely
welcome, I'm sure.
Vinnie?
If it's not too much
trouble, one, please.
Why would it be any trouble?
A friend of mine.
One for you, sir. Felix?
Two.
Two for my roomie
and three for the dealer.
Okay. I guess, Felix,
you have to bet because...
Oh, you've got three queens.
I've only got a pair of eights.
Beats me. I've got king high.
Ah, king high.
Almost a straight.
I guess we're gonna
have to try to bluff you.
What's going on
here? What is this?
Well, we're all friends.
There are no secrets
among friends.
How can anybody win this way?
Win?
Who wants to win?
Murray, you want to win?
No.
Vinnie?
I hate to win.
All right. I'm in.
I'll see you and
I'll raise you two.
I'll see you and you
and raise you two.
And I'll raise you all two.
I see ya.
Okay, what do you got?
I've got three queens.
Felix wins!
Well, now, we'll
have to divide this all.
No, no, I win.
Oh, no, no, no. There's
no competition here.
We start even again, see?
That's ridiculous.
Isn't it?
Oh, I get it.
Now you understand? Yes.
You all conspired
to humiliate me.
And you succeeded.
So to retaliate,
I'm going to bed.
And you each owe me 75 cents.
Well, Oscar, have you
got any other bright ideas?
No, that's it. I'm up.
Boy, it's always something.
Every time we
get into the finals,
something happens to Felix.
Remember last year,
the softball playoffs?
He got locked in the
john in his own studio.
Yeah. And remember
the year before that,
he didn't show up for
the bridge tournament?
He didn't, did he?
No. Don't you remember?
He was photographing
some babies,
and he got a diaper rash?
MURRAY: Yeah, every year.
Every year it's
something... every year.
Hey, wait a minute, fellas.
You're right. Every
year it is something.
And I think I know what it is.
I guarantee it!
He is gonna bowl for us. Felix!
Felix!
What's he gonna do now?
I don't know.
I'm still trying to figure out
why we bet against three queens.
(knocking): Felix?
Go away. I'm
getting ready for bed.
Felix, can we talk man-to-man?
We're one short.
I'm gonna let that pass
because I want to help you.
I just figured out your
problem is psychological.
Don't try to analyze me, Buster.
I'm too deep.
Felix, listen to...
I know what I'm
talking about now.
You've got what I call
the "chicken complex."
(German accent): Oh,
the "chicken complex"?
Oh, that is very
interesting, Doctor.
Please elaborate.
Tell me all about this.
All right, go ahead,
make fun of it.
I'm telling you you are
afraid to bowl in the finals.
Afraid? Yeah.
Me? Yeah.
First off the barge
at Anzio afraid?
Felix, every time you get
in a win-lose
pressure situation,
your mind tries to figure
out a way to get out of it.
Bushwah!
I'm also gonna let that pass
because I don't
know what it means.
Felix, you remember
when you were
gonna propose to Gloria, right?
At the last minute, you got
so scared you got laryngitis?
I had to propose for you?
Well, well, getting,
getting, getting married
is a paralyzing situation.
No, no. Don't
you see? Felix, no.
That was your ninth inning.
That was your 18th hole.
Every time you have to
face your moment of truth,
you avoid it by running
away or getting hurt.
You mean, like in high school
when I finally got a date
with Wild Wendy Tedesco,
I got a cold sore?
Exactly.
Oh, am I stupid.
No, no, don't do that,
you'll hurt your bowling arm.
Oh, Oscar, thanks.
I'm gonna lick this thing.
All right, I'll bowl.
We'll start tomorrow night.
I'm going to
practice every night.
Ooh, that's what I wanted
to hear. We're going to win.
I'm gonna tell
the fellas. Oscar.
What? I can't bowl.
Why not?
My back just went out.
Are you crazy?
You're standing straight
as an arrow. No, I'm not.
No, no, it's in your
mind. No, I'm not.
Think "up, up,
up." No, no, no, no.
In your mind say, "up, up."
"No, I'm not going to
bend, I'm going to go up."
No, up, up. The mind says, "up."
The mind says, "up, up!"
Oscar...
Breakfast.
Thanks.
Oh.
I hope your eggs are all right.
I hope they're good.
I couldn't see the
top of the stove.
Eggs are terrific,
but where's the salt?
Salt?
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh... mm... (groans)
Oh... Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh... What about the ketchup?
Oh, no!
(cries): Don't make
me go for ketchup!
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing to me?
Can't you see I'm suffering?
How can you be so insensitive?
All right, I'll level with you.
I talked to Dr. Mellitz.
He said the only way
to get you out of this pain
is to make you realize
it's all in your mind.
Oh, don't give me
any of that analyst jazz.
This is real.
I'm in pain, certified pain.
Felix, no matter how
much you whine...
(whines): I'm not whining!
Or cry... I'm not crying.
I'm not gonna let
you do this to yourself.
I'm gonna get on your
back until you straighten up.
Buddy, don't you see it's
because I want to help you?
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Now get the ketchup.
How does that thing work, Felix?
It stretches my
spine so I can relax.
Hey, now I know who
you remind me of up there.
Who? Howdy Doody.
Very funny.
I gotta clean this ceiling.
Would you give me
something to read?
How about a suspense story?
(giggling)
Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey.
(screams): Hey!
(screams): Hey!
(loud thud)
What happened?
I keep hearing Felix scream.
I can't find him.
(Felix screams) Hey!
It's the door.
The door. He's behind the door.
What are you doing up there?
Oh, just hanging around.
In this day of rockets to
the moon, jets, Teflon...
you're bringing
me a belief healer?
I know it sounds wild, but
Murray has seen him work.
He'll vouch for him.
Who's gonna vouch for Murray?
Where did he find
this miracle man?
(mutters): In jail.
Where?
In jail. In jail?
Yeah, but he's innocent. It
was a trumped-up charge.
What charge? I don't
know, something about fraud.
Oh, my! Oh, please, Felix,
I swear Murray
says this guy's terrific.
He saw him straighten out
three drunks in two days.
You think being
locked up with no booze
may have had
something to do with it?
Details. Details. Believe...
(doorbell rings) Come in.
Hi, everybody.
Say hello to Arnold.
Hi, Arnold. It's the
man on the couch.
Bad back, huh? Don't touch me.
I have to touch you
if I'm gonna heal you.
Heal. Heal. Stand up straight.
I can't.
Concentrate.
Do you feel the power within me?
No.
Well, I gave you
my best shot then.
Good night.
That's his best shot?
Arnold's not one of
your pushier healers.
You either feel his
power or you don't.
Felix didn't.
Well, it was worth a try.
Man couldn't heal chapped lips.
Come on, Felix, put
on your coat, please.
Oscar, I'm not a quitter.
Honestly, this time I really
don't think it's in my mind.
I know you can do it.
Look, we'll work.
I will practice.
Next year, we'll make
the finals, you'll see.
What's gonna happen next year?
You'll get a cold
sore, a stubbed toe.
You'll get a hangnail.
Your sarcasm is wasted.
Hey, come on, you guys ready?
Ah, it's no use.
When the going gets tough,
the tough get going,
and the quitter stays
home and whines.
Good luck, fellas.
FELIX'S VOICE: Well,
Unger, choked up again.
When the going gets
tough, Unger quits.
I'm ashamed to
be your conscience.
Cut it out. My back hurts.
Your back hurts.
It's always some
excuse, isn't it?
Come on.
Lay off.
You going to let
your friends down?
Let yourself down?
You can do it, Unger.
Yeah?
Come on, show some courage.
You can be strong.
You can do it.
Try, Felix, try!
Go down there and show them
the meaning of the word "guts."
"Courage" is another
word for "Unger."
Go, Felix, go!
I'm going!
You forgot your ball.
Thanks.
Come on, fellas,
look alive, will ya?
Look alive for
what, to get killed?
Yeah, what chance have we got
with just the three
of us playing tonight?
Hi, fellas. Hi, Ernie.
Hey, Madison. I'm sorry,
you'll have to wait
till after the game
to collect your money.
It may not be so easy.
I'm a man short myself.
Klemble picked today
of all days to get married.
Hey, congratulations, Klem.
Thanks, Mur.
They're leaving right
away for a honeymoon.
He can't bowl.
What's he doing here?
Ah, he came down
to wish us luck.
He's wishing you luck?
Hey, would you let
me substitute for him
if I let you
substitute for Unger?
Okay, I'll take Al Reilly.
Oh, no fair, Reilly's
practically a pro.
I was going to
use Eddie Collins.
I'll tell you what...
Let me have Reilly,
I'll let you have Collins
and Joey Bellows.
Are you kidding?
Bellows stinks.
You can use Reilly
if you use Bellows,
and then I'll use
Collins and Harrelson.
Harrelson? Billy
or his brother Fred?
Billy.
Oh, no, Billy's too good.
I mean, if you're going to use
Harrelson, Collins and Smith,
then let me use Reilly, Alston
and Alston's cousin Dougy.
Then I'll play Bellows.
You mean if I use
Harrelson, Collins and Smith,
you're going to use Reilly,
Alston, Dougy and Bellows?
Yeah.
Deal. Deal.
Okay. Oscar.
(inaudible)
He's right.
About what?
None of us are in the game.
So what?
My team isn't either.
Hey, then why play each other?
No, that's no deal.
Look, we got three
guys and we play
and you got three
guys and you play.
That's all.
A quitter never wins
and a winner never quits!
Felix... you're going to bowl?
Unger bowls tonight.
(Oscar and Murray
yelling excitedly)
Ow. Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't feed
the admiral's cat.
O'Herlihy, we got
our fourth man.
You got to bowl your fourth man.
I'm sorry, Klemble,
it looks like you're
going to have to bowl.
Yeah, but what about...?
Well, you can, you can
leave right after the game.
We didn't even stay
for the reception.
Sorry, we need him.
Sorry, honey, I got to stay.
But, Frank...
Well, we'll catch a
later plane, okay?
But, Frankie...
Well, it's just one
game, ten frames.
♪ ♪
(laughter)
(ball hits pins)
(ball hits pins, Oscar cheers)
He missed.
Nine pins, two balls,
and we're the champs.
Nine pins... if anybody
can do it, you can do it.
We've been
waiting for this, baby.
There you go, there we are.
Nine pins.
You're hot, baby.
(all chattering)
Shh... Shut...!
That's only eight
pins; we're tied.
He's got another ball, remember?
One ball, one pin.
If anybody can do
it, you can, buddy.
This is the championship.
Five years we waited.
One pin, one ball.
Don't you let us down.
I know you can do it.
I'm glad. You're
playing like a champ.
Go get 'em, baby. Oh!
What happened?
What's the matter?
My back. Your back?
(grunting) Here,
let me help you.
Let me help you.
All right, no fair!
(all yelling)
Quiet, be quiet!
Have we all gone mad?
This is supposed to be a game.
We're supposed to be having fun.
What would be so
terrible about a tie?
Look what wanting to
win has done to us all.
My best friend doesn't
care if I'm crippled for life.
Klemble ran out
on his own wedding.
He stayed here bowling
while his bride was almost
picked up twice at the bar.
Murray walked off his beat.
His cousin Seymour, a
jeweler, is patrolling Central Park.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!
Throw the ball.
Oh.
Oh.
Aah!
(ball hits pins)
(cheering)
Five years we waited
and we're the champs!
Oh, come on, don't be
mad, I'll buy you a drink.
Come on, let's go. Fellas.
Whoo! Oscar... Oscar.
(groans)
MAN: All right, Unger, get up.
The game's over.
Oh, leave me alone, conscience.
This is not your conscience.
This is Leo Furth, the manager.
I've got people
waiting for that alley.
Now get out of there.
You know...
I learned a tremendous
lesson about myself today.
The subconscious mind
can make a man do...
amazing things.
I learned a lot about myself.
I hope you learned
something, too.
The obsessive need to win...
can drive a man crazy.
There is nothing so degrading...
so dehumanizing
as to see a man sacrifice
his last shred of dignity
just to win.
Gin.
No, n-no, no, I wanted this.
No, no, no, I didn't
mean to discard this one.
I meant to discard this one.
No, you cheated.
You cheated!
I knew he was
gonna get us that one!
Well, Herlihy, we
won one game apiece.
Next week we play
for the championship.
Yeah, okay, okay. So
you got lucky tonight.
We've been
champs for five years,
and we'll still be
champs after next week.
Yeah?
Yeah? You want to
lay a little bet on that?
Good idea. $25 a man?
Make it $50.
You got yourself a deal.
All right.
(all laugh)
So long, sucker.
You're never gonna win $50
unless you take bowling lessons!
Me?
You bowl rotten!
Five times you tripped
over your lucky laces.
Yeah, but one of those
times I got a strike.
So what? It didn't count.
Your nose went
over the foul line.
Fellas, you're bickering.
And you, Vinnie,
you bowled worse
than usual if that's possible.
Thank goodness we got you.
You're bowling like a champ.
You're terrific!
What about you? You
bowled a rotten game.
You'd be absolutely worthless
if you didn't know how to
jimmy the coffee machine.
Fellas, I don't like this.
(patronizing tone): No, don't
concern yourself with any of this.
Here, put your shoe trees
in your bowling shoes.
Go ahead, buddy.
Now, look, if we're
gonna beat these guys,
we gotta practice
every night, right?
Oh, I can't tomorrow
night, Oscar.
My kid's in the
school health pageant.
He's playing a decayed tooth.
What's more important, Murray,
bowling or watching
your kid rot?
He already shaved...
he shaved part of his
head and painted it brown.
I gotta go.
Oh, he'll understand.
It's the championship.
Come on. What do you say?
Oscar, the man wants
to watch his little boy...
You're concerning
yourself again.
Don't do that. Let the
captain take care of that, huh?
What do you say, Murray?
Okay, you can count on me.
Good boy. We're gonna
win the championship.
And to the trophy!
To the trophy!
To the trophy!
And to the guy who's
gonna win it for us,
our star bowler and
high roller, Felix Unger.
Put your hand right
there, huh, buddy?
Don't look at me.
I'm quitting the team.
You're quitting?
You're our star bowler.
You can't do that.
I just did.
Why?
I'm sick and tired of all
this fighting and yelling.
That's why. What yelling?
Oscar, bowling used to be
four swell guys getting together
for an evening of fun.
We still have fun.
Will you shut up, Murray,
and let me handle this?!
We still have fun.
You call this fun?
All this pressure
to win, win, win?
It's like Little League.
All you know is winning.
That's not healthy.
Losing is healthy?
If you feel that
strongly about it,
okay, next season you
can drop off the team,
but why would you in the
last week before the finals?
Why would you withdraw then?
You know how much
this means to me.
And besides you got $50 a
man riding on your golden arm.
That's another point. What?
You're betting entirely
too much money.
I don't like it. I'm hanging
up my ball. I'm through.
That's it?
That's it.
And you're not gonna
change your mind?
No, I'm not. I'm through.
Okay, fellas, I guess
that's it. Let's go.
Just like that?
No hard feelings?
Why should there
be hard feelings?
So you won't bowl, huh?
(all yelling)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
All right... I get the point.
Good.
I'm not exactly a
dummy, you know?
That's one of the
world's best-kept secrets.
I think we should
talk about this, Oscar.
Don't you?
After all, we've learned
to talk to the Russians.
We've learned to
talk to the Chinese.
Can't we talk to each other?
You gonna bowl in the finals?
No.
Then go talk to the Chinese.
I told you why I quit
your stupid bowling team.
It's a matter of principle.
I'd do it again.
My principles mean a lot to me.
Yeah? Well, look at this.
(blows raspberry)
That's for your principles.
You understand
that?! (blows raspberry)
(door buzzer sounds)
Come in!
FELIX: Boy, are you crude.
El Crudo.
La Crème de la Crude!
You think that's crude?
I'm gonna show you...
You wanna see crude?
There. That's crude!
That's doesn't bother
me. That's no skin off...
Yes, sir! Here, here we go.
Hey! Hey!
Get off my table, you bum!
Get out of my sight!
You're not safe,
Felix! Go to your room!
In fact, you're not safe
in any place that
contains me and my fist.
Now go to your room!
You don't frighten me.
Did you hear what I
said? Go to your room!
Did you hear what I said?
You don't frighten me.
Go to your room!
I don't have to take this.
I'm going to my room.
You guys having a fight?
Still won't bowl, huh?
That's bad, Oscar,
that's real bad.
You telling me?
Yeah. I just spoke to Herlihy.
He said no
substitutes for Felix.
What good would that do anyway?
We don't need a substitute.
We need Felix.
Well, then we better just
forfeit the trophy, that's all.
We're not gonna forfeit nothing.
I'm gonna get him
to bowl on the team.
You gonna keep dancing
on the coffee table?
He says he doesn't like winning.
He says he doesn't
like competition.
I'm gonna show him what
life is like without competition.
How?
Well, you know our poker
game tomorrow night?
When I get through with him,
he's gonna beg us to
come back on the team.
Yeah, and we won't let him.
Get out, Murray.
Come on, Felix, sit
down. I started the game.
I put you in.
Oh, thank you very much.
Always try to use
your coasters, fellas.
Oh, sorry.
Murray?
I'll take two.
Two for my friend Murray.
Why, thank you, Oscar.
You're entirely
welcome, I'm sure.
Vinnie?
If it's not too much
trouble, one, please.
Why would it be any trouble?
A friend of mine.
One for you, sir. Felix?
Two.
Two for my roomie
and three for the dealer.
Okay. I guess, Felix,
you have to bet because...
Oh, you've got three queens.
I've only got a pair of eights.
Beats me. I've got king high.
Ah, king high.
Almost a straight.
I guess we're gonna
have to try to bluff you.
What's going on
here? What is this?
Well, we're all friends.
There are no secrets
among friends.
How can anybody win this way?
Win?
Who wants to win?
Murray, you want to win?
No.
Vinnie?
I hate to win.
All right. I'm in.
I'll see you and
I'll raise you two.
I'll see you and you
and raise you two.
And I'll raise you all two.
I see ya.
Okay, what do you got?
I've got three queens.
Felix wins!
Well, now, we'll
have to divide this all.
No, no, I win.
Oh, no, no, no. There's
no competition here.
We start even again, see?
That's ridiculous.
Isn't it?
Oh, I get it.
Now you understand? Yes.
You all conspired
to humiliate me.
And you succeeded.
So to retaliate,
I'm going to bed.
And you each owe me 75 cents.
Well, Oscar, have you
got any other bright ideas?
No, that's it. I'm up.
Boy, it's always something.
Every time we
get into the finals,
something happens to Felix.
Remember last year,
the softball playoffs?
He got locked in the
john in his own studio.
Yeah. And remember
the year before that,
he didn't show up for
the bridge tournament?
He didn't, did he?
No. Don't you remember?
He was photographing
some babies,
and he got a diaper rash?
MURRAY: Yeah, every year.
Every year it's
something... every year.
Hey, wait a minute, fellas.
You're right. Every
year it is something.
And I think I know what it is.
I guarantee it!
He is gonna bowl for us. Felix!
Felix!
What's he gonna do now?
I don't know.
I'm still trying to figure out
why we bet against three queens.
(knocking): Felix?
Go away. I'm
getting ready for bed.
Felix, can we talk man-to-man?
We're one short.
I'm gonna let that pass
because I want to help you.
I just figured out your
problem is psychological.
Don't try to analyze me, Buster.
I'm too deep.
Felix, listen to...
I know what I'm
talking about now.
You've got what I call
the "chicken complex."
(German accent): Oh,
the "chicken complex"?
Oh, that is very
interesting, Doctor.
Please elaborate.
Tell me all about this.
All right, go ahead,
make fun of it.
I'm telling you you are
afraid to bowl in the finals.
Afraid? Yeah.
Me? Yeah.
First off the barge
at Anzio afraid?
Felix, every time you get
in a win-lose
pressure situation,
your mind tries to figure
out a way to get out of it.
Bushwah!
I'm also gonna let that pass
because I don't
know what it means.
Felix, you remember
when you were
gonna propose to Gloria, right?
At the last minute, you got
so scared you got laryngitis?
I had to propose for you?
Well, well, getting,
getting, getting married
is a paralyzing situation.
No, no. Don't
you see? Felix, no.
That was your ninth inning.
That was your 18th hole.
Every time you have to
face your moment of truth,
you avoid it by running
away or getting hurt.
You mean, like in high school
when I finally got a date
with Wild Wendy Tedesco,
I got a cold sore?
Exactly.
Oh, am I stupid.
No, no, don't do that,
you'll hurt your bowling arm.
Oh, Oscar, thanks.
I'm gonna lick this thing.
All right, I'll bowl.
We'll start tomorrow night.
I'm going to
practice every night.
Ooh, that's what I wanted
to hear. We're going to win.
I'm gonna tell
the fellas. Oscar.
What? I can't bowl.
Why not?
My back just went out.
Are you crazy?
You're standing straight
as an arrow. No, I'm not.
No, no, it's in your
mind. No, I'm not.
Think "up, up,
up." No, no, no, no.
In your mind say, "up, up."
"No, I'm not going to
bend, I'm going to go up."
No, up, up. The mind says, "up."
The mind says, "up, up!"
Oscar...
Breakfast.
Thanks.
Oh.
I hope your eggs are all right.
I hope they're good.
I couldn't see the
top of the stove.
Eggs are terrific,
but where's the salt?
Salt?
I'm sorry.
Oh.
Oh... mm... (groans)
Oh... Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh... What about the ketchup?
Oh, no!
(cries): Don't make
me go for ketchup!
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing to me?
Can't you see I'm suffering?
How can you be so insensitive?
All right, I'll level with you.
I talked to Dr. Mellitz.
He said the only way
to get you out of this pain
is to make you realize
it's all in your mind.
Oh, don't give me
any of that analyst jazz.
This is real.
I'm in pain, certified pain.
Felix, no matter how
much you whine...
(whines): I'm not whining!
Or cry... I'm not crying.
I'm not gonna let
you do this to yourself.
I'm gonna get on your
back until you straighten up.
Buddy, don't you see it's
because I want to help you?
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Now get the ketchup.
How does that thing work, Felix?
It stretches my
spine so I can relax.
Hey, now I know who
you remind me of up there.
Who? Howdy Doody.
Very funny.
I gotta clean this ceiling.
Would you give me
something to read?
How about a suspense story?
(giggling)
Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey.
(screams): Hey!
(screams): Hey!
(loud thud)
What happened?
I keep hearing Felix scream.
I can't find him.
(Felix screams) Hey!
It's the door.
The door. He's behind the door.
What are you doing up there?
Oh, just hanging around.
In this day of rockets to
the moon, jets, Teflon...
you're bringing
me a belief healer?
I know it sounds wild, but
Murray has seen him work.
He'll vouch for him.
Who's gonna vouch for Murray?
Where did he find
this miracle man?
(mutters): In jail.
Where?
In jail. In jail?
Yeah, but he's innocent. It
was a trumped-up charge.
What charge? I don't
know, something about fraud.
Oh, my! Oh, please, Felix,
I swear Murray
says this guy's terrific.
He saw him straighten out
three drunks in two days.
You think being
locked up with no booze
may have had
something to do with it?
Details. Details. Believe...
(doorbell rings) Come in.
Hi, everybody.
Say hello to Arnold.
Hi, Arnold. It's the
man on the couch.
Bad back, huh? Don't touch me.
I have to touch you
if I'm gonna heal you.
Heal. Heal. Stand up straight.
I can't.
Concentrate.
Do you feel the power within me?
No.
Well, I gave you
my best shot then.
Good night.
That's his best shot?
Arnold's not one of
your pushier healers.
You either feel his
power or you don't.
Felix didn't.
Well, it was worth a try.
Man couldn't heal chapped lips.
Come on, Felix, put
on your coat, please.
Oscar, I'm not a quitter.
Honestly, this time I really
don't think it's in my mind.
I know you can do it.
Look, we'll work.
I will practice.
Next year, we'll make
the finals, you'll see.
What's gonna happen next year?
You'll get a cold
sore, a stubbed toe.
You'll get a hangnail.
Your sarcasm is wasted.
Hey, come on, you guys ready?
Ah, it's no use.
When the going gets tough,
the tough get going,
and the quitter stays
home and whines.
Good luck, fellas.
FELIX'S VOICE: Well,
Unger, choked up again.
When the going gets
tough, Unger quits.
I'm ashamed to
be your conscience.
Cut it out. My back hurts.
Your back hurts.
It's always some
excuse, isn't it?
Come on.
Lay off.
You going to let
your friends down?
Let yourself down?
You can do it, Unger.
Yeah?
Come on, show some courage.
You can be strong.
You can do it.
Try, Felix, try!
Go down there and show them
the meaning of the word "guts."
"Courage" is another
word for "Unger."
Go, Felix, go!
I'm going!
You forgot your ball.
Thanks.
Come on, fellas,
look alive, will ya?
Look alive for
what, to get killed?
Yeah, what chance have we got
with just the three
of us playing tonight?
Hi, fellas. Hi, Ernie.
Hey, Madison. I'm sorry,
you'll have to wait
till after the game
to collect your money.
It may not be so easy.
I'm a man short myself.
Klemble picked today
of all days to get married.
Hey, congratulations, Klem.
Thanks, Mur.
They're leaving right
away for a honeymoon.
He can't bowl.
What's he doing here?
Ah, he came down
to wish us luck.
He's wishing you luck?
Hey, would you let
me substitute for him
if I let you
substitute for Unger?
Okay, I'll take Al Reilly.
Oh, no fair, Reilly's
practically a pro.
I was going to
use Eddie Collins.
I'll tell you what...
Let me have Reilly,
I'll let you have Collins
and Joey Bellows.
Are you kidding?
Bellows stinks.
You can use Reilly
if you use Bellows,
and then I'll use
Collins and Harrelson.
Harrelson? Billy
or his brother Fred?
Billy.
Oh, no, Billy's too good.
I mean, if you're going to use
Harrelson, Collins and Smith,
then let me use Reilly, Alston
and Alston's cousin Dougy.
Then I'll play Bellows.
You mean if I use
Harrelson, Collins and Smith,
you're going to use Reilly,
Alston, Dougy and Bellows?
Yeah.
Deal. Deal.
Okay. Oscar.
(inaudible)
He's right.
About what?
None of us are in the game.
So what?
My team isn't either.
Hey, then why play each other?
No, that's no deal.
Look, we got three
guys and we play
and you got three
guys and you play.
That's all.
A quitter never wins
and a winner never quits!
Felix... you're going to bowl?
Unger bowls tonight.
(Oscar and Murray
yelling excitedly)
Ow. Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't feed
the admiral's cat.
O'Herlihy, we got
our fourth man.
You got to bowl your fourth man.
I'm sorry, Klemble,
it looks like you're
going to have to bowl.
Yeah, but what about...?
Well, you can, you can
leave right after the game.
We didn't even stay
for the reception.
Sorry, we need him.
Sorry, honey, I got to stay.
But, Frank...
Well, we'll catch a
later plane, okay?
But, Frankie...
Well, it's just one
game, ten frames.
♪ ♪
(laughter)
(ball hits pins)
(ball hits pins, Oscar cheers)
He missed.
Nine pins, two balls,
and we're the champs.
Nine pins... if anybody
can do it, you can do it.
We've been
waiting for this, baby.
There you go, there we are.
Nine pins.
You're hot, baby.
(all chattering)
Shh... Shut...!
That's only eight
pins; we're tied.
He's got another ball, remember?
One ball, one pin.
If anybody can do
it, you can, buddy.
This is the championship.
Five years we waited.
One pin, one ball.
Don't you let us down.
I know you can do it.
I'm glad. You're
playing like a champ.
Go get 'em, baby. Oh!
What happened?
What's the matter?
My back. Your back?
(grunting) Here,
let me help you.
Let me help you.
All right, no fair!
(all yelling)
Quiet, be quiet!
Have we all gone mad?
This is supposed to be a game.
We're supposed to be having fun.
What would be so
terrible about a tie?
Look what wanting to
win has done to us all.
My best friend doesn't
care if I'm crippled for life.
Klemble ran out
on his own wedding.
He stayed here bowling
while his bride was almost
picked up twice at the bar.
Murray walked off his beat.
His cousin Seymour, a
jeweler, is patrolling Central Park.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!
Throw the ball.
Oh.
Oh.
Aah!
(ball hits pins)
(cheering)
Five years we waited
and we're the champs!
Oh, come on, don't be
mad, I'll buy you a drink.
Come on, let's go. Fellas.
Whoo! Oscar... Oscar.
(groans)
MAN: All right, Unger, get up.
The game's over.
Oh, leave me alone, conscience.
This is not your conscience.
This is Leo Furth, the manager.
I've got people
waiting for that alley.
Now get out of there.
You know...
I learned a tremendous
lesson about myself today.
The subconscious mind
can make a man do...
amazing things.
I learned a lot about myself.
I hope you learned
something, too.
The obsessive need to win...
can drive a man crazy.
There is nothing so degrading...
so dehumanizing
as to see a man sacrifice
his last shred of dignity
just to win.
Gin.
No, n-no, no, I wanted this.
No, no, no, I didn't
mean to discard this one.
I meant to discard this one.
No, you cheated.
You cheated!