The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Rain in Spain - full transcript
Myrna is upset over losing her current boyfriend played by her then real life husband Rob Reiner.
Myrna, the Billie Jean
King file under "K," please.
(sobbing)
Thank you.
Now get me the Bobby Riggs
file under "P" for "pig," will ya?
(sobbing)
Hi, gang.
Hi, Felix.
Ready to go for lunch?
Oh, no. I'm swamped.
Can't go out today.
Oh, well, then we can eat in.
(sobbing) Okay, Myrna?
Listen, did you type up
that Tom Seaver interview?
(sobbing and muttering)
Myrna... Poor baby,
what's the matter?
All right, forget
about the interview.
Go out and get
the lunch, will you?
Type up the interview later.
Get me a sandwich.
Get me a salami
and jelly on rye,
and hold the pickle, okay?
What do you want, Felix?
Oscar, she's crying.
Tell her what you
want, will you?
I... a Chef's salad... (sobbing)
Never mind, I'll have
whatever he's having.
Oscar?! (sobbing loudly)
How can you let
her go out like that?
You're right.
I forgot to order drinks.
Myrna!
I'm getting a salami
and jelly on rye.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
She's gone. Oscar.
What? She's crying.
I know she's crying.
Why is she crying?
The usual thing...
A broken romance.
Aw... that's terrible.
Poor Myrna.
It's nothing new.
Oh, you're a cold
cookie, you know that?
Will you cut it
out. It's not that.
She always has
trouble with boyfriends.
Who is it this time?
A guy named Sheldon.
Sheldon?
That's the way...
"Hello, Sheldon."
What happened?
I don't know. He left a note.
Didn't say where he was going,
when he was coming
back or anything.
Oh, cold cookie.
Cold cookie.
Oh, will you cut it
out. Hold this, will you?
She'll find the right
guy, don't worry.
I'll buy that.
You'll buy what?
We'll find her Mr. Right.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't say "we'll" I said
"she'll" find the right guy.
No, no. We'll help her.
You know everybody.
You're in sports.
You know every
eligible man in New York.
Oh, come on. Here it is, Felix.
What, you want me
to get her a date?
Why don't you get her a date?
You know all the young guys.
Come on, why should a
lovely person like Myrna suffer?
Because if you love, you suffer.
Now, I can feel for Myrna,
but I can't let her
love life interfere...
I can't butt into her life.
When my friends are in
trouble, I feel it, buster.
I make it my business.
What am I supposed
to do with this?
File it.
Where, how? I
don't... Who cares?
You satisfied?
Perfect.
What I want to
know is, about Myrna,
are we going to row this
boat with two oars or one?
All of a sudden we're in a boat?
All right. After lunch,
I'll get her a date.
You promise me? I promise you.
All right.
Where do we eat?
Where do we eat?
You're only having a sandwich.
Since when do I eat standing up?
I don't see a place.
There's your place.
And there's your doily.
(buzzer sounds)
Aw... hi.
Hi, Mr. Unger.
I'm here for my blind date. Yes.
How do I look?
Terrible, huh? I'm going home.
No. You look beautiful.
Now, don't talk that way.
Not every girl gets a date
with a great big football star.
Look what Uncle
Felix made for you?
An official chopped
liver football.
See how I made the laces?
I did it with little anchovies.
And the valve where
you pump it up...
That's an olive.
I'll tell him you made it.
That's cute.
I really appreciate all
you're doing, Mr. Unger,
but I'm not so good
with blind dates?
I don't want to hear
any more talk like this.
Now, Uncle Oscar's fixed you up
with the leading scorer
in professional football.
He's gonna be crazy about you.
Why? (door opening)
May I present Zeeno Koraciden,
the best placekicker
in pro football,
by way of Albania.
Keek.
I want you to meet
my roommate, Felix Unger.
How do you do. Keek.
And this is Myrna Turner.
How do you do? Keek.
Oscar... may I speak
to you a moment...
about your typewriter?
What's the matter?
You see... What?
That's the star
athlete you found?
Well, at the last minute,
the best I could come
up with was Zeeno.
Doesn't look too
promising, does it?
Why, because he doesn't
speak much English?
He doesn't speak any English.
"Keek" is not English.
Yes, but he's one of the sweetest,
warmest guys in the world.
I'm telling you,
they'll get along great.
Just leave them alone, okay?
I gotta go. Good night,
everybody. Where are you going?
You know where I
go every Tuesday.
(quivering whimper)
Keek.
Keek. Keek.
It's interesting to see the
different cultures mixing.
Oh, keek. No, no, no, no!
That is eat. Eat.
Not kick.
Myrna, show your date how
we Americans eat a football.
Al, now, come here.
See the girl sitting at the end?
Freshen her drink, but don't
tell her who sent it, okay?
(laughing)
Oh, who's this from?
Oh, did you send
this drink over?
Yeah.
That's class.
Now, sit down. Sit down.
Hey, Al...
I seem to be striking
out all night here.
What is it, me?
Hi, Mr. M.
Where's Zeeno?
Didn't you have dinner?
He keeked it out the window.
Now, you just sit here
and look desirable.
Oscar... What'd you
bring her here for?
Well, you come here
every Tuesday night
and you say it's a
great place for singles.
I couldn't let the
whole evening end
with the rolled roast sailing
out the window, could I?
(quietly): Myrna is very down.
Yeah, but suppose nothing
happens for her here?
You just watch the
old pro in action.
Al, nothing.
Well, struck out.
The most beautiful
girl in the world,
can't get a tumble.
And brainy, too.
Phi Beta Kappa.
Maybe she'll dig you.
Did you ever have
one of those nights?
Tonight.
You and me both.
Most beautiful
chick in the world,
just waiting for Mr. Right,
and I'm Mr. Wrong.
I'm Mr. Right.
Hey, you just could be, buddy.
You take my stool.
Take my drink.
FELIX: A live one.
Hiya, doll.
Hi.
Leo.
Myrna.
No, I-I mean, what's your sign?
My sign's Leo.
Oh.
I don't know... November.
Scorpio.
Is that good?
Well, my horoscope
said tonight's a good night
for Scorpios and
Leos to get together.
(chuckles): You here alone?
Yeah, I've been alone all week.
I'll put an end to that.
You live alone?
Uh-huh. Great.
But I was thinking about
moving in with my mother.
She hurt her wrist and
she has one of those
plaster casts on,
and you know how
cumbersome they are.
So she has to take a coat hanger
and dig in there to
scratch, you know.
I used to get
hives all the time,
just like that... They
really are annoying...
In the summer,
I get prickly heat.
Cut it out.
If you're not gonna pull
your oar, get off the boat.
But she wasn't even trying.
It's my pleasure.
Myrna, you weren't
trying. What's going on?
I tried, but I can't. Why?
Halfway through,
I lost interest.
Why, why, why?
"Sheldn."
Aw... Aw...
I didn't know it was
that important to you.
We were talking marriage.
I had no idea.
Oscar told me it was
just another romance.
You listen to a man who eats
salami and jelly sandwiches?
You go to the ladies'
room and freshen up.
Here's a quarter.
Thank you. I'll handle this.
OSCAR: So, on my second
safari, I knew a lot better.
Bring a lot more
medicine, be prepared.
Because after all,
there were 40 guys...
You bum! Felix...
Felix, cut it out! You bum!
You're embarrassing me
here. Will you cut it out?
You told me Sheldon
was just another romance.
I've got a hot flash
for you, mister.
She's in love with Sheldon.
They were talking
about getting married.
We'll talk about it later.
I said to my gun bearer,
Mwamba... Your gun bearer?
He was never in
Africa in his life.
We've gotta do
something for Myrna.
Felix, please, later. I'm busy.
Too busy to talk about
a broken heart? Yes.
There were 200
excited elephants...
Would you mind sliding
down one, please.
This is a human life at stake.
Did he tell you he
knows Kissinger, too?
What would you say if I told you
that starting tomorrow
there's going to be
a new Myrna Turner.
I'm going to make her
over from head to foot.
Now, what do you think of that?
(frustrated grunt)
Now...
let us examine your
assets and liabilities.
This is silly, Mr. Unger.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
When you know what you
want in life, you go after it.
You go. You go.
Naturally, you have to
make certain adjustments.
Now, what is it you want?
Sheldn. Good.
But he doesn't want me.
Ah, you see, now you
have a negative attitude.
You've got to
believe in yourself.
You got to say, "I am
great." And mean it.
I am great. But
you don't mean it.
Say it.
I am great!
Good.
Now, we're going to
make you over completely.
I thought I was great.
That's your attitude,
but your externals,
your behavior,
we must modify your behavior.
Now, we're going to
start with your walk.
Show me how you walk. Where?
Where? Here, walk.
You see? You see? You see?
Now, let me show
you what you do.
Come here. Sit.
See, here's the way you walk.
See, this walk says,
"I'll never get Sheldon.
I'll never get Sheldon."
You should walk like a
lady, and your walk will say,
"Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am Sheldon."
See, the body high,
the bust pridefully erect,
the long graceful stride,
the lengthy neck, the languorous
look of mystery in the eye.
"Here I am, Sheldon."
You look terrific, Mr. Unger.
Now let's see you.
Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn. That's
very good, very good.
Here I am, Sheldn.
♪ Lovely to look at ♪
♪ Delightful to know ♪ Here I
am, Sheldn. Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn.
♪ Heaven to kiss. ♪
Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn.
That's good. That's
very, very good.
Now sit. Was my
bust pridefully erect?
Almost.
Now, look at the way you
sit. Look at the way you sit.
You sit like a
frog, not like a lady.
A lady sits up, high.
The ankles, and the ankles only,
neatly crossed, dainty,
attentively leaning forward,
the elbow on the knee.
The look that says,
"What is it, Sheldon?"
What is it, Sheldn?
Not "Sheldn."
"Sheldon."
No, it's "Sheldn."
They forgot the "O"
on his birth certificate.
Legally, it's Sheldn.
Sit up. Sit up. Like a lady.
I'm not a frog, Sheldn. Yes.
Now, your voice.
The most important thing
in a woman is her voice.
Your voice has a nasal whine.
I talk nasal?
(nasally): "I talk nasal?"
You hear that? "I talk nasal?"
(whining)
That's a good voice
for an ambulance, heh?
But a lady's voice is
captivating with its beauty.
It's in the the mouth
so that anything she
says is interesting.
Captures the attention.
The simplest phrase,
"How do you do?"
How do you do?
Give me a little bit
more of it with the throat.
How... How... Do...
Do... You... You...
Do? Do?
How do you do?
Fine.
(laughing)
Now, your laugh.
Bad laugh. Bad laugh.
Sheldn loves my laugh.
He's gonna like it better
when you laugh like a lady.
A lady laughs
with a bit of a titter.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
(titters)
No, the hand over...
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
You use the hand as a fan.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, ho, ho,
ho. Now, okay, fine.
You're at a smart
cocktail party.
Smart, sophisticated
people all around you.
You see a terribly
attractive man standing here.
You wish to meet him.
He's surrounded
by admiring women.
You come up to him and
you say something interesting.
Go.
The walk, the head, the voice...
How do you do?
How do you do?
Have you ever been
to a leper colony?
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Good morning, Mr. Madison.
You're late.
What'd you do, lose a
heel off one of your shoes?
Very funny.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
What is that, “ho, ho,
ho, ho”? What is that?
I'm practicing my titter.
Practicing your what?
(phone rings)
How do you do?
Mr. Madison's office.
Yes, I shall, shan't I?
Toodle-oo.
Who was that?
'Twas your bookie.
What'd he want?
If you do not pay up, your
posterior will be in a sling.
Will you file this
for me, please?
I'd be delighted.
Again with the ostrich walk.
Look at this.
I don't believe what's
happening here.
Look, Myrna, what are you do...?
How did you have your
breakfast this morning,
straight or on the rocks?
You do carry on.
What is it?!
Why, whatever do you mean?
What is with the prancing,
and the going, and...
What is that?
Mr. Unger is changing me over.
How do you like it?
I hate it.
(normal voice):
I can't be a lady.
I sit like a frog,
I talk nasal, and I
have an unproud bust.
Then why do you do it?
Because Mr. Unger said...
Again with Mr. Unger.
Don't you know
the man is a lunatic?
You want to get Sheldn back,
you go to somebody
who can do it for you.
You want class, you
go to a classy guy.
Who's that?
You're joking.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
I'm telling you, Debby's
gonna get Sheldn back for you.
All you need is a
little sex appeal.
That's what she's here for.
Just do everything
she tells you.
Listen to me, will you? Okay.
(jingling)
Oh, my.
Yeah...
She's got a thing
in her belly button.
So?
MYRNA: I can't do that.
Why not? I got an outie.
Just do what she says. Come on.
Let's start with the arms first.
Lift up your arms.
Loose. More like a snake.
Not like a cobra.
Like a regular snake. Come on.
All right, let's try the shimmy.
Bend your knees and shake.
(jingling)
Come on, do it. You can do it.
Come on... Look, can
we try with the music?
Maybe it'll inspire her. Okay?
All right, we'll
put it all together.
I can't do this.
This belly dancing
will get Sheldn back,
I'm telling you.
(music playing)
(jingling)
♪ ♪
Ah!
This isn't gonna work.
Why?
He does it better than you do.
I don't know how you
can eat at a time like this.
That poor girl's
life is being ruined.
I did the best I could do.
FELIX: No, you didn't.
You just gave up.
Well, Unger doesn't give up.
What did you find out, Murray?
Well, after exhaustive
investigative work,
I found that Sheldn...
There's no “O”
in that spelling...
We know that. We
know that, Murray.
Where did he go?
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Where did he go?
Imglick's Lodge.
That's a resort
hotel in the Catskills.
Ah. How did you find that out?
He left a note.
"I'm going to Imglick's Lodge."
Good detective work, Murray.
Good, good. So? So?
What happened at
Imglick's Lodge? Ah.
I've never seen a place
with so much bad luck.
The wind blew down
the handball court.
Somebody stole the canoe.
The guy that leads
"Simon Says" stuttered.
It took so long, everybody
missed the Happy Hour.
Murray, what about Sheldn?
What happened to Sheldn?
Oh, he had good luck.
Yeah? What? What,
what? With girls.
What girls? What girls?
(laughing) Example:
Sybil Spitz, female
Caucasian, five feet seven,
110 pounds and great
legs. You're kidding me.
Murray! About Sheldn?!
Well, he was hanging around
with two very sharp chicks.
You know, the rock type
with silver confetti
stuck on their face?
Confetti? Yeah.
Glitter. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Flashy.
Yeah. Yeah. That's
what Sheldn likes?
That's what Sheldn'll get.
Now I know I'm
on the right track.
Good work, Murray.
(buzzer sounding)
(buzzing continues)
Yeah?
Hi, I...
I thought there was nobody here.
I couldn't hear you. I
was in the bedroom.
What do you want?
I'm Sheldn Stimmler.
Sheldn?
Hey, you got that name right.
Most people leave in the "O."
Come in, Sheldn.
I thought Myrna would be here.
She left a message
on her service, so I...
She's out with my
roommate, Felix.
She'll be right back. Sit down.
Uh, maybe I should leave a note.
You left enough notes
already. Sit down.
I don't understand you, Sheldn.
I mean, Myrna's one of the
greatest girls in New York.
She's great. She's cute.
She's cute. She's funny.
Funny. I mean, it's very hard
to find girls like Myrna.
Hard to find.
You know you're saying a
lot of nice things about her?
Why not? I'm in love with her.
Then why did you run out on her?
I strayed. I strayed.
I was wrong.
What an experience.
What happened?
Well, I-I went up to that
Imglick's Lodge and, uh...
Yeah? You didn't like it?
Well, it-it was okay.
The f-food was
good. Hot, plenty of it.
And, uh, the show was tops.
Jerry Vale and Corbett
Monica... You can't beat them.
They-they-they-they
always put on a good show.
They got that chemistry.
Will you forget
about the chemistry.
What happened after the show?
Well, after the show, you
go to the bar, you know,
to meet girls, and I-I
met a few girls, and...
they were nice, but,
uh, they were all flashy.
There was, uh, there
was no substance.
They were insubstantial.
Phony? Phony, that's it.
They were all phony,
every single one of them.
But not Myrna. No. No, Myrna...
Myrna happens to
be very, very real.
You wouldn't catch Myrna
in a place like that, no, sir.
How many girls did
you meet up there?
About 200.
200 girls?
When I stray, I stray.
But I felt like such a jerk.
I mean, this isn't the real me.
This isn't the way I dress.
You know, of all those
200 people I met up there,
not one single person
there had their own hair...
including me.
That was phony?
That's phony. It looked so real.
That's phony.
You see those muttonchops,
those sideburns there?
Try that.
That's phony. Phony.
Phony? It looked real.
That one there. Phony.
That's phony, too?
Look at this one. They're all...
No. Ow. That's
real. That's real.
It looks so phony.
Yeah, no, that one's real.
Ah, I cannot emphasize
this enough, Mr. Madison.
Myrna is very, very real.
I hope she'll take me back.
What do you think, Mr. Madison?
You know women... you
think I got a chance with her?
Oh, I think you got a
very good shot, but...
let me prepare her. Okay?
Look, why don't you go wash
all the glue off and all that stuff.
Get in the bathroom.
Go, in there. Right.
Yeah. Oh, and Sheldn?
Yeah? The earring.
You'll take it off...
Oh, yeah, thanks.
200 girls?
(door latch rattling)
Oscar, prepare
for a great surprise.
The new Myrna.
Funky, huh, Mr. M.?
Great? No, it's terrible!
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing with this?
What are you doing?
Help me get rid of this.
What are you
doing? Three hours...
Sheldn is in the
bathroom! Sheldn's here?
How do you do? How do you do?
No, don't do that.
Don't do the belly dance!
What's the matter?
He wants the real you.
Then why did he leave me?
He didn't have a good time.
All he liked was Corbett
Monica and maybe...
What was the guy, the
comic, whatever he was...
And the singer, Jerry Vale.
Look, here's a note.
It explains everything.
"Dear Myrna. I'm confused.
"I went away for a while and I
didn't know what I was doing,
"and then I realized
that you were
BOTH: very, very real."
Sheldn.
Myrna.
I strayed, I strayed. I'm sorry.
Did you stray?
No.
Thank you.
Myrna, did I ever
tell you I loved you?
No, never.
I will. I'll write you a note.
(nasally laugh)
You know, I missed that laugh?
Yeah?
Yeah. I was so
lonely up there, Myrna,
I'm telling you,
it was terrible.
I was playing handball,
the wind came by,
blew down the whole court.
It was awful.
You shouldn't have
left me, Sheldn.
I strayed. I'm sorry.
What can I say?
Happy ending.
Well, Myrna, it was
a beautiful wedding.
Mmm.
Thank you.
I wanted to stop by to
give a special good-bye
because of all
you've done for me.
Ah, nothing. Good-bye.
Good-bye. Where's Sheldn?
Oh, he's in the car.
My family's gonna
drive us to the airport.
FELIX: Uh-huh.
Mr. M., I'm quitting my job.
What?
It's Sheldn's idea.
Old-fashioned husband, huh?
Doesn't want his wife to work?
No, he wants me
to get a better job.
Ah-ha.
(buzzer sounding) Come in!
You ready, Myrna?
Sheldn's waiting in the car.
Okay. Uh... Oh, you've
never met my family.
No.
This is my sister, Verna Turner,
and my brother, Werner Turner.
How do you do?
(nasally): Hello.
Hello.
(nasally): Hello.
Sounds like stereo.
(nasally laughter)
King file under "K," please.
(sobbing)
Thank you.
Now get me the Bobby Riggs
file under "P" for "pig," will ya?
(sobbing)
Hi, gang.
Hi, Felix.
Ready to go for lunch?
Oh, no. I'm swamped.
Can't go out today.
Oh, well, then we can eat in.
(sobbing) Okay, Myrna?
Listen, did you type up
that Tom Seaver interview?
(sobbing and muttering)
Myrna... Poor baby,
what's the matter?
All right, forget
about the interview.
Go out and get
the lunch, will you?
Type up the interview later.
Get me a sandwich.
Get me a salami
and jelly on rye,
and hold the pickle, okay?
What do you want, Felix?
Oscar, she's crying.
Tell her what you
want, will you?
I... a Chef's salad... (sobbing)
Never mind, I'll have
whatever he's having.
Oscar?! (sobbing loudly)
How can you let
her go out like that?
You're right.
I forgot to order drinks.
Myrna!
I'm getting a salami
and jelly on rye.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
She's gone. Oscar.
What? She's crying.
I know she's crying.
Why is she crying?
The usual thing...
A broken romance.
Aw... that's terrible.
Poor Myrna.
It's nothing new.
Oh, you're a cold
cookie, you know that?
Will you cut it
out. It's not that.
She always has
trouble with boyfriends.
Who is it this time?
A guy named Sheldon.
Sheldon?
That's the way...
"Hello, Sheldon."
What happened?
I don't know. He left a note.
Didn't say where he was going,
when he was coming
back or anything.
Oh, cold cookie.
Cold cookie.
Oh, will you cut it
out. Hold this, will you?
She'll find the right
guy, don't worry.
I'll buy that.
You'll buy what?
We'll find her Mr. Right.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't say "we'll" I said
"she'll" find the right guy.
No, no. We'll help her.
You know everybody.
You're in sports.
You know every
eligible man in New York.
Oh, come on. Here it is, Felix.
What, you want me
to get her a date?
Why don't you get her a date?
You know all the young guys.
Come on, why should a
lovely person like Myrna suffer?
Because if you love, you suffer.
Now, I can feel for Myrna,
but I can't let her
love life interfere...
I can't butt into her life.
When my friends are in
trouble, I feel it, buster.
I make it my business.
What am I supposed
to do with this?
File it.
Where, how? I
don't... Who cares?
You satisfied?
Perfect.
What I want to
know is, about Myrna,
are we going to row this
boat with two oars or one?
All of a sudden we're in a boat?
All right. After lunch,
I'll get her a date.
You promise me? I promise you.
All right.
Where do we eat?
Where do we eat?
You're only having a sandwich.
Since when do I eat standing up?
I don't see a place.
There's your place.
And there's your doily.
(buzzer sounds)
Aw... hi.
Hi, Mr. Unger.
I'm here for my blind date. Yes.
How do I look?
Terrible, huh? I'm going home.
No. You look beautiful.
Now, don't talk that way.
Not every girl gets a date
with a great big football star.
Look what Uncle
Felix made for you?
An official chopped
liver football.
See how I made the laces?
I did it with little anchovies.
And the valve where
you pump it up...
That's an olive.
I'll tell him you made it.
That's cute.
I really appreciate all
you're doing, Mr. Unger,
but I'm not so good
with blind dates?
I don't want to hear
any more talk like this.
Now, Uncle Oscar's fixed you up
with the leading scorer
in professional football.
He's gonna be crazy about you.
Why? (door opening)
May I present Zeeno Koraciden,
the best placekicker
in pro football,
by way of Albania.
Keek.
I want you to meet
my roommate, Felix Unger.
How do you do. Keek.
And this is Myrna Turner.
How do you do? Keek.
Oscar... may I speak
to you a moment...
about your typewriter?
What's the matter?
You see... What?
That's the star
athlete you found?
Well, at the last minute,
the best I could come
up with was Zeeno.
Doesn't look too
promising, does it?
Why, because he doesn't
speak much English?
He doesn't speak any English.
"Keek" is not English.
Yes, but he's one of the sweetest,
warmest guys in the world.
I'm telling you,
they'll get along great.
Just leave them alone, okay?
I gotta go. Good night,
everybody. Where are you going?
You know where I
go every Tuesday.
(quivering whimper)
Keek.
Keek. Keek.
It's interesting to see the
different cultures mixing.
Oh, keek. No, no, no, no!
That is eat. Eat.
Not kick.
Myrna, show your date how
we Americans eat a football.
Al, now, come here.
See the girl sitting at the end?
Freshen her drink, but don't
tell her who sent it, okay?
(laughing)
Oh, who's this from?
Oh, did you send
this drink over?
Yeah.
That's class.
Now, sit down. Sit down.
Hey, Al...
I seem to be striking
out all night here.
What is it, me?
Hi, Mr. M.
Where's Zeeno?
Didn't you have dinner?
He keeked it out the window.
Now, you just sit here
and look desirable.
Oscar... What'd you
bring her here for?
Well, you come here
every Tuesday night
and you say it's a
great place for singles.
I couldn't let the
whole evening end
with the rolled roast sailing
out the window, could I?
(quietly): Myrna is very down.
Yeah, but suppose nothing
happens for her here?
You just watch the
old pro in action.
Al, nothing.
Well, struck out.
The most beautiful
girl in the world,
can't get a tumble.
And brainy, too.
Phi Beta Kappa.
Maybe she'll dig you.
Did you ever have
one of those nights?
Tonight.
You and me both.
Most beautiful
chick in the world,
just waiting for Mr. Right,
and I'm Mr. Wrong.
I'm Mr. Right.
Hey, you just could be, buddy.
You take my stool.
Take my drink.
FELIX: A live one.
Hiya, doll.
Hi.
Leo.
Myrna.
No, I-I mean, what's your sign?
My sign's Leo.
Oh.
I don't know... November.
Scorpio.
Is that good?
Well, my horoscope
said tonight's a good night
for Scorpios and
Leos to get together.
(chuckles): You here alone?
Yeah, I've been alone all week.
I'll put an end to that.
You live alone?
Uh-huh. Great.
But I was thinking about
moving in with my mother.
She hurt her wrist and
she has one of those
plaster casts on,
and you know how
cumbersome they are.
So she has to take a coat hanger
and dig in there to
scratch, you know.
I used to get
hives all the time,
just like that... They
really are annoying...
In the summer,
I get prickly heat.
Cut it out.
If you're not gonna pull
your oar, get off the boat.
But she wasn't even trying.
It's my pleasure.
Myrna, you weren't
trying. What's going on?
I tried, but I can't. Why?
Halfway through,
I lost interest.
Why, why, why?
"Sheldn."
Aw... Aw...
I didn't know it was
that important to you.
We were talking marriage.
I had no idea.
Oscar told me it was
just another romance.
You listen to a man who eats
salami and jelly sandwiches?
You go to the ladies'
room and freshen up.
Here's a quarter.
Thank you. I'll handle this.
OSCAR: So, on my second
safari, I knew a lot better.
Bring a lot more
medicine, be prepared.
Because after all,
there were 40 guys...
You bum! Felix...
Felix, cut it out! You bum!
You're embarrassing me
here. Will you cut it out?
You told me Sheldon
was just another romance.
I've got a hot flash
for you, mister.
She's in love with Sheldon.
They were talking
about getting married.
We'll talk about it later.
I said to my gun bearer,
Mwamba... Your gun bearer?
He was never in
Africa in his life.
We've gotta do
something for Myrna.
Felix, please, later. I'm busy.
Too busy to talk about
a broken heart? Yes.
There were 200
excited elephants...
Would you mind sliding
down one, please.
This is a human life at stake.
Did he tell you he
knows Kissinger, too?
What would you say if I told you
that starting tomorrow
there's going to be
a new Myrna Turner.
I'm going to make her
over from head to foot.
Now, what do you think of that?
(frustrated grunt)
Now...
let us examine your
assets and liabilities.
This is silly, Mr. Unger.
No, it's not. No, it's not.
When you know what you
want in life, you go after it.
You go. You go.
Naturally, you have to
make certain adjustments.
Now, what is it you want?
Sheldn. Good.
But he doesn't want me.
Ah, you see, now you
have a negative attitude.
You've got to
believe in yourself.
You got to say, "I am
great." And mean it.
I am great. But
you don't mean it.
Say it.
I am great!
Good.
Now, we're going to
make you over completely.
I thought I was great.
That's your attitude,
but your externals,
your behavior,
we must modify your behavior.
Now, we're going to
start with your walk.
Show me how you walk. Where?
Where? Here, walk.
You see? You see? You see?
Now, let me show
you what you do.
Come here. Sit.
See, here's the way you walk.
See, this walk says,
"I'll never get Sheldon.
I'll never get Sheldon."
You should walk like a
lady, and your walk will say,
"Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am Sheldon."
See, the body high,
the bust pridefully erect,
the long graceful stride,
the lengthy neck, the languorous
look of mystery in the eye.
"Here I am, Sheldon."
You look terrific, Mr. Unger.
Now let's see you.
Here I am, Sheldon.
Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn. That's
very good, very good.
Here I am, Sheldn.
♪ Lovely to look at ♪
♪ Delightful to know ♪ Here I
am, Sheldn. Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn.
♪ Heaven to kiss. ♪
Here I am, Sheldn.
Here I am, Sheldn.
That's good. That's
very, very good.
Now sit. Was my
bust pridefully erect?
Almost.
Now, look at the way you
sit. Look at the way you sit.
You sit like a
frog, not like a lady.
A lady sits up, high.
The ankles, and the ankles only,
neatly crossed, dainty,
attentively leaning forward,
the elbow on the knee.
The look that says,
"What is it, Sheldon?"
What is it, Sheldn?
Not "Sheldn."
"Sheldon."
No, it's "Sheldn."
They forgot the "O"
on his birth certificate.
Legally, it's Sheldn.
Sit up. Sit up. Like a lady.
I'm not a frog, Sheldn. Yes.
Now, your voice.
The most important thing
in a woman is her voice.
Your voice has a nasal whine.
I talk nasal?
(nasally): "I talk nasal?"
You hear that? "I talk nasal?"
(whining)
That's a good voice
for an ambulance, heh?
But a lady's voice is
captivating with its beauty.
It's in the the mouth
so that anything she
says is interesting.
Captures the attention.
The simplest phrase,
"How do you do?"
How do you do?
Give me a little bit
more of it with the throat.
How... How... Do...
Do... You... You...
Do? Do?
How do you do?
Fine.
(laughing)
Now, your laugh.
Bad laugh. Bad laugh.
Sheldn loves my laugh.
He's gonna like it better
when you laugh like a lady.
A lady laughs
with a bit of a titter.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
(titters)
No, the hand over...
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
You use the hand as a fan.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Oh, ho, ho, ho,
ho. Now, okay, fine.
You're at a smart
cocktail party.
Smart, sophisticated
people all around you.
You see a terribly
attractive man standing here.
You wish to meet him.
He's surrounded
by admiring women.
You come up to him and
you say something interesting.
Go.
The walk, the head, the voice...
How do you do?
How do you do?
Have you ever been
to a leper colony?
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Good morning, Mr. Madison.
You're late.
What'd you do, lose a
heel off one of your shoes?
Very funny.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
What is that, “ho, ho,
ho, ho”? What is that?
I'm practicing my titter.
Practicing your what?
(phone rings)
How do you do?
Mr. Madison's office.
Yes, I shall, shan't I?
Toodle-oo.
Who was that?
'Twas your bookie.
What'd he want?
If you do not pay up, your
posterior will be in a sling.
Will you file this
for me, please?
I'd be delighted.
Again with the ostrich walk.
Look at this.
I don't believe what's
happening here.
Look, Myrna, what are you do...?
How did you have your
breakfast this morning,
straight or on the rocks?
You do carry on.
What is it?!
Why, whatever do you mean?
What is with the prancing,
and the going, and...
What is that?
Mr. Unger is changing me over.
How do you like it?
I hate it.
(normal voice):
I can't be a lady.
I sit like a frog,
I talk nasal, and I
have an unproud bust.
Then why do you do it?
Because Mr. Unger said...
Again with Mr. Unger.
Don't you know
the man is a lunatic?
You want to get Sheldn back,
you go to somebody
who can do it for you.
You want class, you
go to a classy guy.
Who's that?
You're joking.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
I'm telling you, Debby's
gonna get Sheldn back for you.
All you need is a
little sex appeal.
That's what she's here for.
Just do everything
she tells you.
Listen to me, will you? Okay.
(jingling)
Oh, my.
Yeah...
She's got a thing
in her belly button.
So?
MYRNA: I can't do that.
Why not? I got an outie.
Just do what she says. Come on.
Let's start with the arms first.
Lift up your arms.
Loose. More like a snake.
Not like a cobra.
Like a regular snake. Come on.
All right, let's try the shimmy.
Bend your knees and shake.
(jingling)
Come on, do it. You can do it.
Come on... Look, can
we try with the music?
Maybe it'll inspire her. Okay?
All right, we'll
put it all together.
I can't do this.
This belly dancing
will get Sheldn back,
I'm telling you.
(music playing)
(jingling)
♪ ♪
Ah!
This isn't gonna work.
Why?
He does it better than you do.
I don't know how you
can eat at a time like this.
That poor girl's
life is being ruined.
I did the best I could do.
FELIX: No, you didn't.
You just gave up.
Well, Unger doesn't give up.
What did you find out, Murray?
Well, after exhaustive
investigative work,
I found that Sheldn...
There's no “O”
in that spelling...
We know that. We
know that, Murray.
Where did he go?
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
Where did he go?
Imglick's Lodge.
That's a resort
hotel in the Catskills.
Ah. How did you find that out?
He left a note.
"I'm going to Imglick's Lodge."
Good detective work, Murray.
Good, good. So? So?
What happened at
Imglick's Lodge? Ah.
I've never seen a place
with so much bad luck.
The wind blew down
the handball court.
Somebody stole the canoe.
The guy that leads
"Simon Says" stuttered.
It took so long, everybody
missed the Happy Hour.
Murray, what about Sheldn?
What happened to Sheldn?
Oh, he had good luck.
Yeah? What? What,
what? With girls.
What girls? What girls?
(laughing) Example:
Sybil Spitz, female
Caucasian, five feet seven,
110 pounds and great
legs. You're kidding me.
Murray! About Sheldn?!
Well, he was hanging around
with two very sharp chicks.
You know, the rock type
with silver confetti
stuck on their face?
Confetti? Yeah.
Glitter. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Flashy.
Yeah. Yeah. That's
what Sheldn likes?
That's what Sheldn'll get.
Now I know I'm
on the right track.
Good work, Murray.
(buzzer sounding)
(buzzing continues)
Yeah?
Hi, I...
I thought there was nobody here.
I couldn't hear you. I
was in the bedroom.
What do you want?
I'm Sheldn Stimmler.
Sheldn?
Hey, you got that name right.
Most people leave in the "O."
Come in, Sheldn.
I thought Myrna would be here.
She left a message
on her service, so I...
She's out with my
roommate, Felix.
She'll be right back. Sit down.
Uh, maybe I should leave a note.
You left enough notes
already. Sit down.
I don't understand you, Sheldn.
I mean, Myrna's one of the
greatest girls in New York.
She's great. She's cute.
She's cute. She's funny.
Funny. I mean, it's very hard
to find girls like Myrna.
Hard to find.
You know you're saying a
lot of nice things about her?
Why not? I'm in love with her.
Then why did you run out on her?
I strayed. I strayed.
I was wrong.
What an experience.
What happened?
Well, I-I went up to that
Imglick's Lodge and, uh...
Yeah? You didn't like it?
Well, it-it was okay.
The f-food was
good. Hot, plenty of it.
And, uh, the show was tops.
Jerry Vale and Corbett
Monica... You can't beat them.
They-they-they-they
always put on a good show.
They got that chemistry.
Will you forget
about the chemistry.
What happened after the show?
Well, after the show, you
go to the bar, you know,
to meet girls, and I-I
met a few girls, and...
they were nice, but,
uh, they were all flashy.
There was, uh, there
was no substance.
They were insubstantial.
Phony? Phony, that's it.
They were all phony,
every single one of them.
But not Myrna. No. No, Myrna...
Myrna happens to
be very, very real.
You wouldn't catch Myrna
in a place like that, no, sir.
How many girls did
you meet up there?
About 200.
200 girls?
When I stray, I stray.
But I felt like such a jerk.
I mean, this isn't the real me.
This isn't the way I dress.
You know, of all those
200 people I met up there,
not one single person
there had their own hair...
including me.
That was phony?
That's phony. It looked so real.
That's phony.
You see those muttonchops,
those sideburns there?
Try that.
That's phony. Phony.
Phony? It looked real.
That one there. Phony.
That's phony, too?
Look at this one. They're all...
No. Ow. That's
real. That's real.
It looks so phony.
Yeah, no, that one's real.
Ah, I cannot emphasize
this enough, Mr. Madison.
Myrna is very, very real.
I hope she'll take me back.
What do you think, Mr. Madison?
You know women... you
think I got a chance with her?
Oh, I think you got a
very good shot, but...
let me prepare her. Okay?
Look, why don't you go wash
all the glue off and all that stuff.
Get in the bathroom.
Go, in there. Right.
Yeah. Oh, and Sheldn?
Yeah? The earring.
You'll take it off...
Oh, yeah, thanks.
200 girls?
(door latch rattling)
Oscar, prepare
for a great surprise.
The new Myrna.
Funky, huh, Mr. M.?
Great? No, it's terrible!
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing with this?
What are you doing?
Help me get rid of this.
What are you
doing? Three hours...
Sheldn is in the
bathroom! Sheldn's here?
How do you do? How do you do?
No, don't do that.
Don't do the belly dance!
What's the matter?
He wants the real you.
Then why did he leave me?
He didn't have a good time.
All he liked was Corbett
Monica and maybe...
What was the guy, the
comic, whatever he was...
And the singer, Jerry Vale.
Look, here's a note.
It explains everything.
"Dear Myrna. I'm confused.
"I went away for a while and I
didn't know what I was doing,
"and then I realized
that you were
BOTH: very, very real."
Sheldn.
Myrna.
I strayed, I strayed. I'm sorry.
Did you stray?
No.
Thank you.
Myrna, did I ever
tell you I loved you?
No, never.
I will. I'll write you a note.
(nasally laugh)
You know, I missed that laugh?
Yeah?
Yeah. I was so
lonely up there, Myrna,
I'm telling you,
it was terrible.
I was playing handball,
the wind came by,
blew down the whole court.
It was awful.
You shouldn't have
left me, Sheldn.
I strayed. I'm sorry.
What can I say?
Happy ending.
Well, Myrna, it was
a beautiful wedding.
Mmm.
Thank you.
I wanted to stop by to
give a special good-bye
because of all
you've done for me.
Ah, nothing. Good-bye.
Good-bye. Where's Sheldn?
Oh, he's in the car.
My family's gonna
drive us to the airport.
FELIX: Uh-huh.
Mr. M., I'm quitting my job.
What?
It's Sheldn's idea.
Old-fashioned husband, huh?
Doesn't want his wife to work?
No, he wants me
to get a better job.
Ah-ha.
(buzzer sounding) Come in!
You ready, Myrna?
Sheldn's waiting in the car.
Okay. Uh... Oh, you've
never met my family.
No.
This is my sister, Verna Turner,
and my brother, Werner Turner.
How do you do?
(nasally): Hello.
Hello.
(nasally): Hello.
Sounds like stereo.
(nasally laughter)