The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 22 - One for the Bunny - full transcript

(typewriter keys clacking)

OSCAR: Hi, Myrna.

Hi, Mr. M.

How come you got a
sign on the front door...

"Use the Service Door"?

For the same reason
I'm typing in the kitchen.

Felix shampooed
the rug; it's still wet.

I can't even get to my
room. I'm a prisoner in here.

Where do you go, uh...?

I use the Benjamin" apartment.

Here. Here's the first two
pages for the column, all right?



I'll be finished with the
other one in a second.

What's it about? Water polo?

What's that magazine?

Oh, it's your Playboy.
It came in the mail.

Why'd you bring it here?

So you could read it.

I have it sent to the
office for a reason.

Why? You're not married.
Will you listen to me?!

If I have it sent to the
office that's what I want.

(door opens) FELIX: Hi, folks.

Hi, Myrna.

MYRNA: Hi, Mr. Unger.

Why doesn't he want
this in the house?

What? Why doesn't he want what?



What have you got here?

This.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

I told you I never want
that rag in this house.

I tried to warn
her, it was too late.

What have you got
against the magazine?

Everything!

(knocking at door)

Never bring it back here
again, do you understand that?

I didn't bring it in. Do
you understand me?

Holler at her. I
didn't bring it in.

Hey, look what I
found in the hall.

Hubba-hubba-hubba.

Very nice.

A policeman on duty.

Hey, finders keepers,
losers weepers.

OSCAR: Don't
forget, the floor's wet.

Boy, after all the times I
let him ride in my squad car.

Next time he sits
behind the cage.

What has he got
against the magazine?

Oh, it goes way back to when
I used to work for Playboy.

How come you got fired?

What makes you
think I got fired?

Who would quit?

(laughing)

Murray, you kill me.

That was my first
job in New York.

I used to write copy
and things like that.

The magazine was just beginning,

but Felix couldn't get started
as a photographer, see.

He wanted to marry Gloria,

but he couldn't
get enough money.

This is gonna be a
long story, Murray.

Maybe you'll like it.

Anyway, one night he
came to the apartment.

That's when it really
was my apartment.

Oh, it had that
nice lived-in look...

SPORTSCASTER: jump shot.

It's good. Ties
up the ball game.

(doorbell buzzing) Who is it?

Felix.

Oh, am I glad you
came by, buddy.

You're just the
guy I want to see.

That bad, huh?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

No luck again today?

I got one call.

An old lady wanted me to
photograph her parakeet Winky.

I said yes.

Then she told me she
wouldn't be able to pay me.

She said she'd knit me an
afghan, any color I chose.

I even agreed to that.

Then she said it would
take over a year and a half

because of her arthritis.

I don't know, I
may turn it down.

I'm tellin' you, turn it down.

I need the sweater.

Black... to match my future.

I'm never gonna have
enough money to marry Gloria.

Sure, you are.

I'm trying to tell you,
your troubles are over.

I got you a job today.

Really? Yeah.

Where?! Wh-What...?!

Tell me... Playboy magazine.

The same one I'm working for.

I showed the art
director your pictures.

I want to tell you, he flipped.

He said you're very
talented. I am. I'm really good.

Oscar, oh, you're
such a good friend.

Thank you, Oscar. Thank
you. You don't have to thank me.

It was your pictures
that convinced him.

Really? Yeah.

My talent got me the job.

I don't have to thank you. Yes,
you do, I also got Gloria a job.

Doing what?

Cocktail waitress.

Cocktail waitress?

Well, it's at Hugh
Hefner's club.

The magazine has its own club.

I mean, it's a classy joint.

Well, but tell me about me.

What do I do? When do I
start? You start right away.

You have to do some
tests for Miss April.

I don't understand.

Well, you-you take pictures of
six nudes and they choose one

to be Miss April in
the centerfold, see?

Nudie cuties?

You're not gonna be
nervous about that, are you?

No, not nervous.

Listen, you know me...
Easy Unger, Mr. Party Guy.

You're Mr. Party Guy?

I'm certainly not one of your
repressed Victorian squares.

I'm an artist. I hang loose.

Oh, you shot nudes
before then, huh?

Millions.

Oh, well, come on, let's
go out and celebrate, huh?

I got a better idea. What?

Let's do something really
great. Let's clean this room.

Are you kidding? We're
gonna go out and celebrate.

We're gonna go to the club.

We're gonna drink a few
drinks. We're gonna see Gloria.

We're gonna laugh a lot.

It's gonna be a ball.

You know, I like this
room better in the dark.

(jazz playing
quietly) Nice, huh?

Yes. I must admit
I'm very impressed.

This is very lovely,
indeed. Thank you...

Hey... Felix, please.

Only human.

I know, I know. Sit down.

It's a very, very
pleasant place.

I'm glad Gloria
has such a nice job.

Good. That's why I
wanted you to see it.

Hello, I'm your bunny, Gloria.

Gloria!

Oh, Felix.

Shame, shame, Gloria!

Naughty, naughty
Gloria! Cover your...!

Felix, please.

Would you explain... these
are my working clothes?

Yeah, that's part
of her costume.

I think she looks
kinda cute. Oh, you do?

Don't look like that.
Don't... Oh, come on...

Oh, Gloria, what
have they done to you?

You look so brazen,
so seductive. Sit down!

Felix! She looks like
everybody else in this club.

All the girls you admired
on the way to the table.

Don't compare my
Gloria to those animals.

Sit down so they don't... Felix,
please, I have got to get back to work.

Come on, will ya? You weren't
upset by the other Bunnies.

I'm not engaged to
the other Bunnies.

I hate this place!
I hate it! Shh!

All right, all
right, you hate it.

Handle it tactfully...

You watch yourself, pervert!

(mutters)

Gloria, I want you to quit this
job! Felix, you're making a scene...

I want you to get
out of here right this...

I can't. What can I...
What can I tell them?

Just tell them
your hop went bad.

I don't care what you tell 'em.

Turn in your tail. Get
out of here. Come on.

Please, I've got
to get back to work.

I'm gonna lose my mind.

I'm going to work for
this organization, huh?

All you have to
do is do a good job,

get successful, marry
Gloria, then she'll quit.

FELIX: Does she
have to bend over

so much when she serves?

Gloria, do you have to bend
all the way over like this?

Can't you go like
this or like this?

Let me tell you something.
I'm sorry I got you this job.

(sobs) If you don't like
it, why don't you quit?

'Cause I need the job.

You can't have it both ways.

All right, I'm adjusting.

Good. I'm fine, I'm fine.

We'll order champagne

and toast New York's
best young photographer.

Spencer Benedict.

Who's that?

That's me. You don't
think I'm gonna use

my real name for nudies, do you?

Eyes front, Mister.

That's very nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that looks just lovely.

That's just perfect. Perfect.

Now, could you make the poses

just a little bit
more languorous,

you know what I mean?

A little more... (mutters)

Put your hand behind
your head like...

Oh, come on, will you, Felix?!

I'm only trying to
help with the lights.

Oh, but you're
good, you're good.

Aw, cut it out. Will ya?

You're helping me, no, no.

I really don't
understand you. Why?

In a few minutes you're gonna
be shooting six beautiful girls nude.

You're cool as a cucumber.

Well, this is my
job. I'm like a doctor.

Just technical problems to me...

The color, the
composition and all that.

Well, Oscar... Yeah?

I want to thank you
very, very much.

You've been very kind
to lend me your pad.

They didn't want a studio job.

They wanted this.
It's just right, so...

The girls are gonna be here soon

so I think the time has
come when you should...

(sneezes) What's the matter?

Oh, boy, oh, I
got a sore throat.

I tell you it's moist out there.

Throat, my foot.

I know what you
want, you dirty guy.

60% of showers, chance... You
want to stand around and ogle the girls.

But, Felix... You can't do it.

I'll be okay. No.

I'll sit here, I'll behave.
I'll be fine, honestly.

What am I gonna tell the girls?

"Don't pay any attention
to that man in the corner,

he's harmless, his tongue is
always hanging out like that"?

They won't stand for that.

Oh, come on.

How often does a guy get a
chance to get in on the ground floor

of something like this? No!

Oh, I'll be the
boyfriend. The what?

Whenever they do the
story about a Playmate,

they always have
the boyfriend along.

They're running together, they're skiing
together, play horseshoes together...

You're gonna be the same
boyfriend for all six girls?

They're only gonna pick one.
You're not the type for that.

That's the swinging bachelor
type, suave, debonair.

That's not... What
am I, chopped liver?

At best.

You never saw me in
my suave, debonair outfit.

Come on, we're
going... out, out.

Felix, I didn't want
to have to say this,

but you see, if you
don't let me stay

then I'm not gonna let you
use my apartment, see?

Well put.

Ah. You got it.

Great. Now, what'll
I tell the girls?

I don't know.

You're here to
write the captions.

She skis, she's a
philosophy major,

she wants to be a policewoman...

Typical girl next door.

(doorbell buzzing) Oh!

Okay. Would you get that?

Hello.

I'm Brenda Martin.

Hello, Brenda Martin,
I'm Spencer Benedict.

Now, you can go back
and change in just a minute.

Tell me about yourself.

Are you a dancer or are
you a model? I'm a dancer.

Aha, good.

Have you done this
kind of work bef...?

Hello, my dear.

Hello.

I've got my eye on you.

Thank you. Good night.

Bye-bye.

(whistles)

Will you tell me
what you're doing?

What was all that... heel
clicking, the hand kissing?

You told me to be a gentleman.

Have you no
conscience whatsoever?

Is there no end
to your chicanery?

You told one girl you're
an exiled polo player.

You told another you
lost your eye in a duel.

You told that girl you're
a Romanian prince.

Felix, you're not
gonna believe this...

A lot of people take
me for Romanian.

Yeah, pastrami lovers.

(doorbell buzzing)

That must be the sixth.

Hello, my...

Oh, hi, Gloria, come
on in. Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Gloria. Come in. Hi, Felix.

How'd you know I was here?

This is where they said
you'd be working today.

Yeah, well, we'll have
another hour or so.

We have another girl coming.

I know, I'm the other girl.

(thick European
accent): I'm Romanian.

I was wondering...

GLORIA: I don't want to...

FELIX: You're shaming me!

She's taking off her
clothes back there!

I don't know what to do.

She says if I don't take the
picture, somebody else will.

When do we start?

Oh come on, take
that idiot thing off.

What am I supposed to do?

I know... I'll use
photographic tricks.

I'll superimpose the
Eiffel Tower over her

and call her Miss
April in Paris.

Why don't you shoot
her with all her clothes on

and call it "April Fool"?

I could make her Miss December.

A Santa suit... She's
carrying the sack

in front of her... Will
you stop being...?

GLORIA: Felix, I'm
ready. I'm coming out.

No, no, don't come
out. Not, not yet, not yet.

Come on, out of here.
Come on. Let's go.

What do you mean? I
live here. Out. Amscray.

All right. Let me
change my jacket.

You're not going back
there. Come on, get out.

Why not? Felix, where am
I gonna go? I don't know.

Wherever exiled, one-eyed
Romanian polo players go.

All right.

I'll go see half a movie.

(button clicks) What
are you doing here?

I work here. Remember?

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to meet
the art editor, Al Fisher,

show him my pictures.
Hey, how'd they turn out?

Nice, nice.

And what about Gloria's shots?

Overexposed.

Hey, now, you didn't cop out

with that April in
Paris bit, did you?

No, she wouldn't let me.

She's totally unencumbered.

Oh, yeah? Let me
see. No. Fat chance!

I'm not gonna use
Gloria, anyway. Why not?

She's got a mole on her knee.

Who cares about a
mole on her knee?

They want them perfect.

Oh, they don't want
'em that perfect. They...

How are you? Oh,
hi, Al. Nice to see you.

How are you? Nice seeing you.

This is our art
director, Al Fisher.

This is Felix Unger.

How do you do?
How do you do? Hi.

Sit, sit, sit.

You got some pictures
for me, right? Yes, yes.

There you are. Good,
good. Let me see.

Sit back. Oh, come on.

Nice, nice... Nice, nice, uh...

Where's the sixth one?

Sixth one? Oh, yeah, uh...

You wouldn't like that
one. It turned out badly.

Oh, I'll be the judge
of what is good.

Felix, you contracted for
six. Give him six, will you?

You're not gonna like it.

It, it's no good, it's, uh,

it's a total worthless waste.

I was, I was going
to throw it away.

Worthless?

Well, we artists
always hide our failures.

Will you sit back?
All right, just...

She's beautiful.

Let me look at her
in the light here.

Here let me look at her, too.

Will you bug off? Get
back, get back. Oh, come on.

You too, mister, mind
your own business.

I, I love that mole on her knee.

Oh, yeah, let me see the mole.

Go peddle your papers.

Felix, this is Miss April.

I, I think you're
making a mistake.

I really do.

I got another one
here that's really...

All five are better,
as a matter of fact.

Well, if you want a third
opinion, let me see...

You're not going to see
this picture. Why not?

Everybody's gonna see
it in April. No, they're not.

You can't print this
picture. Why not?

Because. Because why?

Because... because it's a fake.

This picture is actually

of Oscar's doorman,
Bud Downey, yeah.

It's amazing what you
can do with an air brush.

I'm, I'm so ashamed of myself.

Hey, come on,
give me Miss April.

No, you're not
going to print that.

No, you're not.
Over my dead body.

You can torture me.

You've got a
contract, Mr. Unger.

I'm sorry.

I'll sue you!

I'll sue your head off!

I will, too.

I'll sue him.

How're you gonna sue
him? It's a big corporation.

They got the best lawyers in the
world. I'll get the biggest lawyer

in the country, Melvin Belli.

He's the only one who can
do it. He wouldn't touch it.

Who needs him?
I'll do it myself.

Felix, don't you understand
you don't have a case?

Gloria wants the
picture printed.

Oh, who listens
to anything a girl

who walks around nude says?

I always have.

Be ready. I'm gonna put you on
the stand as a character witness.

(gavel bangs)
JUDGE: Order, please.

The case of Felix Unger

suing the Hugh
Hefner Corporation.

Are you both
satisfied with the jury?

We are, Your Honor.

Eminently satisfied, Your Honor.

Hi, Frank, how are you?

Bob... And a big hello

to Sister Evangeline
of the Salvation Army.

You do good work.
Wonderful organization.

(gavel bangs) JUDGE:
Please, Mr. Unger,

when we recess,

why don't you just give
each juror an apple?

Do you still want to
handle your own case?

Yes, Your Judgeship, I do.

Very well, you may
begin, Mr. Hoffman.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

I'll be brief.

Objection, Your Honor.

On what grounds?

My esteemed colleague is
attempting to prejudice the jury

by being brief.

Thereby insinuating that I
will be lengthy and boring.

Objection overruled.

Thank you, Your Honor.

It's an open and shut case.

He really has no
grounds to sue us.

Mr. Felix Unger
signed a legal contract

with Hugh Hefner Corporation

to supply us with six subjects.

He has only
supplied us with five,

and he has refused to
allow us to print the sixth.

Now, then,

I would like to
enter into evidence

this contract marked
as Exhibit "A".

May I see this, please?

Hmm.

You're building a case on this?

Look at this, Your Honor.

This is what he's
building a case on.

He thinks he's got a case.

Is this the contract? Yes.

Is this your signature? Yes.

A heck of a case.

Legal minds may differ,

but it is our
contention, Your Honor,

that I signed this mere scrap of
paper under emotional duress.

He was under no duress.

Balderdash!

Very well.

We would therefore like to call

as our first and only
witness to the stand

Mr. Oscar Madison.

He's gonna put my
best friend on the stand.

He thinks it's gonna
do him some good.

You blew it, buddy!

You had me on that
contract business

and you didn't know it.

Now you blew it.

Mr. Madison, were you present

when Mr. Unger
signed this contract?

Yes, I was. Good.

And will you
please tell the Court

exactly what was
his reaction to this?

Well... well, difficult
for me to say.

Aw, well now, come, Mr. Madison,

I'm sure you can remember.

Tell us, how did he act?

Well, he threw his hat up in
the air and yelled "Yippee."

HOFFMAN: Yelled what?

Yippee!

Yippee.

Well, no further
questions, Your Honor.

Your witness.

Mr. Madison, where
are you employed?

Playboy magazine.

I beg your pardon, what, what?

Playboy magazine.

Ah! Well, well, well!

And how long did you think
you could keep that from us?

I wasn't trying to keep
anything from you.

Your Honor, this man
is obviously a stooge

of management.

A corporation puppet.

One of those little gray men

you see skulking
through the halls

of any giant cartel.

Nameless, faceless
men without scruples,

trying to claw
their way to the top.

I think I speak
for this entire court

when I say, you make me sick.

Get off the stand.

(pounding gavel)

JUDGE: Mr. Hoffman...

(pounding gavel)

Mr. Hoffman, any more witnesses?

Defense rests, Your Honor.

Mr. Unger,

you may present your case.

(gavel bangs)

You will not find me
unprepared, Your Honor.

I have contrived what I consider
to be an uncontestable case.

I will cite legal ethics,

moral standards for the ladies,

publishing precedent

and good old common sense.

In order that the
Court may judge

what sort of man stands
here alone before it,

I will call to the stand
as a character witness,

Oscar Madison.

You make me sick!

No further questions.

I believe this case will
stand on its own merits.

Let's look, shall
we, at the evidence.

Give me a break, Your
Honor, this is my fiancée.

I don't want everybody staring
at her like the other ones...

Please, Mr. Unger,
we don't whine

in court. How would you feel

if a national magazine printed
a naked picture of your wife?

Amazed.

Be that as it may,

that's your problem, not mine.

Now, now, Mr. Unger,
the law is the law.

If the photo were obscene,

you might have an
argument. It is. I know. I took it.

I'm an obscene photographer.

Well, that could be
a point of contention.

Bring me the photograph.

No, I'd rather not.

What?!

Do I have a choice?

Yes. You can bring me
the picture or be cited for

contempt.

Some choice.

(wolf whistles)

Well, it's a bit irregular,

but as long as the jury is here,

why not let the
jury decide? No, no.

Please don't, not
not the jury. Bailiff.

Yes, Your Honor.

Even the bailiff gets to see it.

(murmuring)

You haven't got a prayer.

OSCAR: They threw him back
to the Minors, the guy was...

I love sports stories like that.

Am I interrupting something?

Felix! I got a message
you wanted to see me.

Excuse me, girls.

I've been lookin'
all over for you.

Where you been? Walking.

Where? Where? Walking.

I walked, I walked.

I kept thinking about April.

April used to be my
most favorite month.

Spring housecleaning...

April showers bring May flowers.

Are you through
feeling sorry for yourself?

In April, 15 million people,

30 million eyes, are
gonna be staring at my girl.

What's my mother gonna think?

A woman who told
me when I was a kid

if I read National
Geographic I'd go blind.

Oscar.

Oh, hi, Hef. How are you?

Hugh Hefner, Felix Unger.

Felix. This is Hugh Hefner.

You think a big man like
that could afford a jacket.

He's been very
anxious to meet you.

What does he want of me now?

My well-built aunt
from Cleveland?

Will you sit down and hold
it? Let the man talk to you?

He needs to tell you something.

See, that a boy.

Be nice.

Well, Felix, I just got
back from London,

and I heard about your problem.

You've come to gloat? No, I, uh,

I think you're kinda spunky.

Even though we won the suit,

I don't force people
to publish their work.

We'll find someone else

for Miss April. You're gonna
give me my picture back?

Mole and all.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're a wonderful man.

You look good without a jacket.

Nice meeting you.

Hey, who is gonna be Miss April?

Well, I think we're
gonna use one of, uh,

Felix's other pictures.

You know, you're,

you're really quite a
good photographer,

but a lousy lawyer.

(laughing): Wonderful
sense of humor. See you later.

You're a great guy.

You know, you're a lot
like me in many respects.

You're civilized. I like that.

Can I call you Hef?
HEFNER: Mr. Hef.

(chuckles)

No, you don't! Give me that!

(overlapping chatter)

I want to see the
mole, that's all...

Gee, Oscar, that
was a great story.

I was totally enruptured.

Murray, you killed me again!

Hmm. You told them the
whole sordid episode, huh?

One thing still confuses me.

What?

If Mr. Hefner was so nice to you

why are you still angry at him?

Well, can't you imagine the
embarrassment I went through?

Two of those jurors
called Gloria for years

after we were married.

The judge still writes to her.

You know, there's one
thing that just eats at me.

What's that? Before I got

that negative back
from the magazine,

some wiseacre up there
made ten copies of that picture.

I got nine of them back.

And I won't rest till
I find that tenth one.