The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 21 - New York's Oddest - full transcript

FELIX: Oscar!

Oscar! What?

If I gave you a million guesses,

you'd never guess what
just happened to me!

You got arrested
for being a litterbug.

Wrong.

Guess where my coat is.

You'll never guess
in a million years.

That's easy, at the
cleaners. Wrong.

It's at Bellevue Hospital
wrapped around a baby.

What are you talking about?



Less than one hour
ago in Times Square,

I helped a woman
deliver her baby.

Oh, I don't believe that.

I don't believe it either.

I ran to call an ambulance.

When I got back, the
woman was giving birth.

I helped her right
there on the sidewalk.

The first thing the baby saw
was an X-rated movie marquee.

Are you serious?

Yes. You really
did deliver a baby?

I was standing there,

this woman said, "Please
help me, I'm having a baby."

Nobody paid any attention.

People walked just,
they just went right by.



I had to put a dime
in the parking meter

to keep somebody
from parking on her.

(sighs)

You'd better sit down,
you're shaky. Oh!

Come on. People are
absolutely unbelievable.

Nobody would get
me boiling water.

I had to go into the
luncheonette and buy tea.

The woman is naming
the baby after me...

Unger Woo.

Unger Woo?

But can you imagine,
nobody even looked.

People paid no attention.

They just went right by. I
know it's a jungle out there.

I can't believe it. There I was.

I was bringing a new
life into this world.

You should have seen
this baby right in my hand...

Oh, Oscar, I...

Yeah, nobody
cares. I feel funny, I...

It's a jungle out there,
I'm telling you. (groaning)

Nobody's interested.

A guy could drop dead in Times
Square and nobody would notice.

Nobody would look up.

People are only
interested in themselves.

But I'm proud of you.

I'll tell you that.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

(doorbell buzzing)

OSCAR: Get the
door, will you, Felix?

(buzzing continues)

Will you get the door?

Well, if the guy goes out,
doesn't tell me he's going.

Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.

Well, you all set to
go bowling? Yeah.

I'm gonna get
the ball. All right.

Oscar! What?

Well, you finally did it, huh?

Felix.

Don't play Mr. Innocent with me.

Get him up on the
couch. Yeah. (groans)

Get some water.
Are you all right?

Here, loosen his tie.

It's hard.

It's a double Windsor knot!

(gagging)

I taste beer.

Am I drunk?

Felix, you didn't
drink anything.

You fainted. Are you all right?

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, this whole thing
must have just got to me.

What whole thing?

He delivered a baby. Oh!

A woman's baby. Oh. Really?

Yeah. Tell him how it happened.

Oscar, I know how it happens.

Tell him how it
happened, will you,

while I get my bowling ball.

Oh, Murray, what's
wrong with people?

They walk right by crime,
accidents, pregnancy.

The only thing they'll
stop for is a suicide.

People love to yell, "Jump!"

Nobody cares!

Now, some people care, Felix.

You know, at the police
station, we hold classes

for people who want to
help their fellow citizens.

Really? Yeah, they're
called Civilian Reserves.

I want to join those classes.

You should, too. You'd
be a better citizen.

I'm a good citizen.

I vote, I cross at the green,
not in between, I post no bills.

Come on, Murray,
let's go. You hear that?

Sure, go ahead. Don't
worry about anything.

Let someone else be concerned.

How would you feel
if you were the father

of that child I delivered?

I'd feel awful.

I'd have a kid named Unger Woo.

Many concerned citizens
are getting involved

in our training program,

and they are now
working successfully

in their neighborhoods

as civilian police reserves.

Now, uh, two of our most
recent graduates are, uh,

Mooney and Bibbo.

Nice uniforms.

Uh, you have another
question, Mr. Unger?

Yes, uh, are we responsible
for our own uniforms?

CHOMSKY: Yes,
sir, you are. Uh-huh.

May I ask what material
they're made of if you know?

Polyester.

Trash.

Now, as concerned citizens,

you'll be acting as an
extra eye for the police.

Now, that's why you
have been issued whistles.

Now, if any of you
should hear any danger

or see any danger, all you
have to do is use your whistle.

Right?

Okay.

Now, Officer Greshler
will demonstrate.

(clears throat)

One long blast... means "help".

Two short blasts...

means "everything's okay."

Hold it.

I think we should
all write that down.

Mr. Unger, it's
already written down.

Yeah, I meant on paper

so that we'll have it
with us at all times.

All right. If you're taken
prisoner, swallow it.

Ah.

A little levity, huh?

That's very good.

All right.

Now, I'd like to show
you some first aid.

All right, thank you.

Thank you, Mooney.

Now, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

we are going to learn about
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

All right.

(clears throat)

Are there any volunteers?

Please.

Mr. Unger.

He asked for me!

Now this time, Mr. Unger,
your victim is a baby.

Well, I'm very good with babies.

I just delivered one a couple
of days ago, right on the street.

Goody-goody for you.

I have two of my own.

Unfortunately, they're
not living with me now.

My wife and I are divorced.

My compliments to
your ex-wife, Mr. Unger.

May we proceed, please? Yes.

All right. Now, please,

put one hand under
the victim's neck.

That's right.

Now seal your mouth
against the victim's

and emit air.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger,

we are not blowing
up a Goodyear Blimp.

This is just a baby that
we are trying to revive.

All you have to do is
just puff, just puff. Ah.

All right, now, please,
move the head down,

Mm-hmm. so then
lift, lift the chin up.

Uh-huh.

Let's take a short break.

You gave me a defective doll.

I'd like to see
him deliver a baby.

You were good. I delivered
a baby on the street

the other day, all by myself.

Could you tell me where I could
find Murray Greshler? Oscar!

Felix. Oscar, you came down.

Aw, you got concerned.

I got robbed.

Where's Murray? What? What
happened? Where, who, why?

On our corner. I was
trying to hail a cab

to get to the hockey game.

And a guy just came
and stuck you up?

He even introduced himself.

He said, "Hi, my name is Phil.

Hand over your wallet."

Then two guys run
from across the street.

Did they come and help you?

No. They took my cab.

Wow.

I'm sorry, Oscar.

Well, what bugged me was
all those people in the street.

Nobody stopped. Nobody
cared. I told you that,

didn't I? I know
you told me. I know.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.

Listen, I was robbed.
What should I do?

Well, I'd report it to
the police immediately.

That's why I'm here.

I thought maybe you'd show
me some mug shots or something.

Oh, no, I gotta
stick around here.

Hey, listen, go to the second
floor and ask for Cunningham.

Never forgets a face.
Cunningham, second floor, okay.

What did the guy get?

Everything I had in my pocket.

Eight dollars and a half
a tuna fish sandwich.

Wow! Is that something, Murray?

It's nothing in my business.

CHOMSKY: All right. All right.

Can I please have
your attention?

Uh, we'll continue
with first aid a bit later.

Now, we're gonna
have a judo class.

I am going to be the instructor.

I do not want any volunteers.

I want you.

Hey. Hi, Sherlock.

How'd it go at
the police station?

Did you find the picture

of the guy who robbed
you in the mug shots?

No, but I identified the
two guys who stole my cab.

If you knew then
what I know now,

he could never have robbed you.

Yeah, what's that? Hah!

What's that? I just
broke your arm.

It's broken in two places.

I could rip it out
by the socket.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, you were
reaching for a pencil,

you could have been
reaching for my wallet...

whack, no arm. What's that?

Judo. Oh.

We just learned that
at the Police Academy.

I don't think judo works.

You don't? No.

Try standing up.

Hah!

Again, hah? Broke your neck.

Your head is now
totally inoperative.

Oh, come on, will you?
No, no, I'm not joking.

This really works. Yeah?

Hah! Again with the hah.

Look at this man.

I splattered your patella.

You'll never walk again, mugger.

Now do you believe
me? Come here.

I'm gonna teach you
something that will save your life.

How can I come there?

I got a broken
neck, a split patella,

my arm doesn't work.

I'm gonna tell you all
about the Civilian Patrol.

We get to go out on patrol.

We wear badges. We wear hats.

They gave us this whistle.

We blow the whistle
if there's ever a crisis.

(blows whistle) Whoa!

What's with the "we"?
What's that "we"?

I signed you up as my partner.

You signed me
up as your partner?

Well, I don't want to go with
Miriam; she's a scaredy-cat.

How could you put my name
down without asking me?

Why not? You complained
about public apathy.

I'm getting the whole
building involved.

You don't want to
be the only holdout.

Oh, but I don't believe
this Civilian Patrol

is going to do any good.

You don't? No, I don't.

I'll show you something. What?

You're a mugger.

Now, put your fingers
together like that.

Like what? Just like that.

Like that? Hah!

Try to get them apart.

You can't do it.

No, and I can't get the mugger

to put his fingers
together like that either.

I'll show you something else.

Now, come at me with a gun.

Pow!

All right, we'll
forget about guns.

Now, we'll have a
real-life street scene.

All right, you're going
to try to mug me.

You're hiding behind
here, hide back here.

This is a fire hydrant.

What am I going
to do, mug a dog?

I'll be walking along, you're
going to throw a right at me.

I'm gonna grab your arm,

I'm gonna flip you over
my shoulder senseless.

You're going to flip
me over your shoulder?

I just did it to Miriam;
it works like a charm.

Don't worry about it.

Now here I come along,

I'm walking along nonchalant...

Hah! (grunting)

I thought you were gonna
put me over your shoulder.

Yeah, yeah, but
it works, you see.

Is this the way we're gonna
walk to the police station?

(mumbles)

Felix, you're supposed
to blow your whistle

if you get into any trouble.

I know, but if he attacks
me, I'm gonna flip him.

Wait... All right, all
right, okay, okay, okay.

I'll go on patrol with you.

Ah, you feel safe
with me, huh? No.

But while you're carrying
the mugger on your back,

you're gonna need
somebody to blow the whistle.

Oh, boy!

You're a fine-looking
officer, you know that?

Thank you, sir.

May I help you, sir?

Metropolitan Opera House?

Four blocks to your right, sir.

Thank you, Luigi.

Thank you for the apple.

Stop thief!

(blows whistle)

You know you're not supposed

to blow that whistle
unless there's a crisis.

It's a crisis looking at you.

Let me... What?

Oh, Oscar, look at you.

What's the matter?

Well, you've got a
cigar in your face.

Your badge is on the wrong side.

It's supposed to be over here.

You're wearing white sox.

What have you got to say?

Let's go is what I say.

If you don't respect
your uniform,

it won't respect you.

Let me see your hands.

Good, they're clean.

What difference does that
make? Well, if you frisk a man,

you don't want to soil his
clothing, do you? Oh! Come on!

Where's your hat? Here. Here.

Not that hat. The regulation
hat they issued you.

I don't want to wear it.
You've got to wear it. Put it on.

No. Where is it?

It's in the closet, but I don't
want to wear it. Why not?

Because it doesn't fit!

Carry it, then.

What are you doing now?

Just checking the premises.

Looks like an all clear to me.

Let's go.

Uh-oh. This looks
like trouble. Cover me.

What's up? Wait, wait.

Hold it right there, mister.

My partner and I would
like a word with you.

What partner?

I've got a partner.

He's out checking
other wrongdoers.

What's that you got there?

You mean this item?

It's my TV set.

Who are you?

I'll ask the questions.

We're Civilian Patrol.

Who are you?

Mort Bennick, 11-0-3.

Oh, yeah? I live right
in that apartment there.

I happen to know that's
Filerman's apartment.

He went to Europe.
I'm subletting.

Sure, and all
aspirins are alike.

You always walk
around carrying a TV set?

No, do you?

All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Come on, let's go.

We'll go down to the
station. Now, come on.

There's my partner.
Now, where were you?

On the fourth floor.

What's going on here?

I caught this bimbo
stealing a TV set.

What are you talking about?

This is my TV set.

Oh, yeah? What's
the serial number?

How should I know
the serial number?

Do you know your serial
number on your TV?

96133F.

You shouldn't have
asked. Let's go, loser.

Down to the station house,
come on, let's... Just stand there.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Against the wall.
Don't try anything funny.

I've got eyes in the
back of my head.

Felix, can I talk to
you? Look, you...

Hey, you can't arrest a man just
because he's carrying a TV set.

I can smell a crime a mile away.

I think we can get a full
confession out of this baby.

I'll be the good cop,
you be the bad cop.

All right, bozo, looks
as though you're in luck.

Bozo?

I want to go easy on you,

but my partner here wants
to beat you senseless.

I think if you give
us a full confession,

I can get him to calm down.

He's an animal.

Want a cigarette?

I'm sorry, I don't smoke.

Does the police know
about you two guys?

All right, buster,
you asked for it.

Go ahead, Oscar, do
what you have to do.

Look, you look like a
nice guy, so you can go.

Thanks. Good-bye. No! No!

Felix, what's the
matter with you?

(mumbling): Cover me, Oscar.

What? What's going on?

What are they doing to you,
Mort? For goodness sakes.

Do you know this man?

I'm his wife.

Maybe you'd better
frisk his wife, too.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry. I didn't know.

I saw you walking
with a TV set, and I...

I was taking it down
to get it repaired.

Oh, oh. Since you
were going to have it

repaired anyway,

do you think the
warranty is still good on it?

Let me take care of it.

Send me the bill,
please let me do it.

Thank you.

Felix, you're acting
like the Blue Nut.

Have you learned a lesson?

Yes, all of this could
have been avoided

if the man had known
his serial number.

Oscar...

can I come over and
sit with you, please?

Please?

I don't want to sit
over here all by myself.

Let me sit with
you, huh, please?

All right, it's my
first day on the job.

I... I was over-enthusiastic,
I admit that.

But let's be partners
again, huh, please?

You know me, you
know my character.

You know what I'm like.

I'm an eager beaver,

but isn't it better
to be too concerned

than just not to care at all?

Yeah, but you
always imagine things.

Then you get us in trouble.

What are you looking at now?

Don't start anything.

I wasn't imagining things.

That man's carrying a gun.

Hey, go outside and
blow your whistle.

Blow your whistle.

Cover me, Oscar.

Cover you with what, my hat?

Felix... Hey, buddy?

See that badge?

Civilian Patrol.

See this?

New York City Narcotics Squad.

Hey, Oscar, he's a narc!

Oh, come on, Oscar.

Just two more
hours of hall patrol,

then we're through
for the night.

I'm through now.

You can patrol the hall alone.

All right.

Yellow belly!

Hope you sleep well and warm

in the secure knowledge
that Felix is patrolling the halls.

(quiet, airy whistle)

(airy whistle)

(whistle blows)

It's all right,
folks, it's all right.

Just part of the program

to provide for your
safety and well-being.

May I say that you all
responded magnificently.

Go back to your beds,

secure in the knowledge
that Felix is on the job.

Thank you all. Go back to bed.

Oscar, may I say that you
were not the first one out.

Looks a little bit bad
for your roommate.

(door slamming)

Slacker!

(airy whistle)

Oh, it's just me, Felix.

Miriam, don't skulk
around the halls like that.

I... I'm sorry.

If I blew this whistle,
the entire eleventh floor

would be swarming all over you.

I just thought you could use
a chair and some magazines.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Thank you, thank...

Didn't there used
to be a chair here?

It was stolen.

Well, that's not gonna
happen while I'm on patrol.

Your chair is safe with me.

If anything goes wrong,

I just blow this whistle.

I've got the best
floor in the building...

The fighting eleventh.

I don't know about that.

The eighth floor is awfully
good. The eighth floor?

Yeah. They don't have
our deterrent power.

Nothing but women
and children down there.

Yeah, but they've
got the spirit. Spirit?

Yeah. Do you want to see spirit?

I'll show you spirit.

(blows whistle)

Thank you, everyone.

This has been a drill.

There is no real emergency.

Go back to your homes.

My whistle and I are on the job.

Blow that thing once more,

I'll ram it right
down your throat!

Amen!

May I suggest

that you reserve your
hostility for the burglars, sir?

Same goes for you, son.

(door slamming)

What a floor. Great floor!

Good night, Felix. No
fooling around on duty.

Ah. Yes, sir.

Hey, Cosmopolitan.

Great!

Let's see.

Hey, a sex quiz.

Good.

Never.

Uh-huh. Occasionally.

Hmm.

Now, let's see my score.

85.

Above average.

If I'd had one more "always,"
I'd have been exceptional.

Time to patrol a little bit.

On the job.

Freeze!

Hold it right there, mister.

You're under total surveillance!

All right, turn
around very slowly.

(gasps loudly)

Mister, when I
blow this whistle,

every door on this
floor is going to open,

and all the concerned citizens
are going to call the police.

Won't do you any good at
all to head for the elevator.

(quiet, airy whistle)

Sometimes this little
cork gets stuck. I can fix it.

(quiet, airy whistle)

(whistle blows)

All right, Fighting
Eleventh, come and get him!

Probably calling
the police right now.

Don't you come any closer.

(blows whistle)

Judo! Hah!

You have a run in your
stocking, you know that?

(blows whistle)

Eighth Floor!

Eighth Floor, can you hear me?

Felix, uh...

I'm sorry I left you
all alone on patrol.

What could happen?

Anyway, see, you
always go too far,

and then I get
mad, and then I...

Anyway, I'm sorry, okay?

What are you gonna
do? You gonna sulk?

You're not gonna forgive me?

I said I was...
Serves you right.

(blows whistle)

My friend was mugged!

Mr. Unger, in appreciation
for your assistance

in apprehending a known
and wanted criminal...

How did you identify him?

I recognized his
brand of stocking.

It is my pleasure
to bestow upon you

the Concerned
Citizens' Medallion.

Ready?

Thank you.

I want my patrol partner,
Oscar Madison, in the picture.

Oh, come on, Felix, I didn't do
anything. No, come on, come on, yeah.

Full uniforms,
please. Full uniform.

Put on your hat. Oh, no, no.

Make him put on his
hat. Oh, come on, will ya?

Right here.