The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Insomniacs - full transcript
Felix's insomnia is also keeping Oscar awake.
Oscar?
Oscar? Huh?
Hey. Wha-What?
Hi.
Hi?
What time is it?
Almost 3:00 a.m.
What's the matter?
Is the apartment on fire?
No.
Then get out of here.
I've got to talk to somebody.
I haven't been able to
sleep for three nights.
Neither have I.
(sobbing): I've got insomnia.
I'm going out of my mind.
(honking loudly)
Look at me, look
how awful I look.
My face is all gray.
It's dust on the mirror.
Don't clean my mirror or
you'll get seven years bad luck.
How do you get to sleep?
Tonight I just worked
till I was sleepy.
And you just went to bed, huh?
I was already in bed.
Astounding.
I had this in the army.
I finally fell asleep
on guard duty.
Felix, will you get
out of here, please?
Turn out the light
and get out of here.
(muttering): Another
human being in distress...
I don't know what to do.
FELIX: Sit up in bed
and stare at the wall
and stare at the ceiling.
Wander around the
house like an idiot.
I don't know what
to do with myself.
I can't sleep, it's agony.
(chair creaking)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oscar, breakfast.
I'm here.
Let's eat.
Boy, are you in bad shape.
Eat your pancakes.
I would if I had
some silverware.
I gave you silverware.
You gave me three knives, Felix.
What am I going to do here?
I've got three forks.
I'll raise you two spoons.
What do I win, the
centerpiece or something?
Where's the syrup?
Maybe the reason you can't
sleep is you need to be with a girl.
Why don't you take
Miriam out tonight?
I'm too tired.
I'll get the bacon.
Felix, this is floor wax.
I'll wax the floor later.
You'll be waxing
the floors at Bellevue
if you don't get some sleep.
Look at this here.
I like my bacon a
little crisper than that.
I'll cook it.
(doorbell buzzing)
I'll get it.
Floor wax and raw bacon.
It's not exactly the
breakfast of champions.
Hi, Mr. Unger.
Hello, Myrna.
Hi, Mr. M., I found
those clips you wanted.
(doorbell buzzing)
Let him in.
Forgot where I was going.
You all right, Mr. Unger?
You seem a little unoriented.
Leave him alone.
He hasn't had any
sleep for three nights.
Oh, Mr. Unger, you
should go to bed.
He's been to bed,
he can't sleep.
He's got insomnia.
Oh, I didn't want to insult you
and tell you how
terrible you look,
but now I can tell you.
You look terrible.
Thank you.
Do you want some coffee?
Sure.
Cream and sugar?
Uh... no, thanks.
I like it orange.
You know, I had insomnia once.
How'd you get rid of it?
Sleeping pills.
I can't take sleeping pills.
My body chemistry
is all cockeyed.
Sleeping pills make
me wide awake,
deodorants make me perspire.
That's funny.
You ought to will your
body to some university.
I've had offers.
One from me.
Come on, let's get to work.
It's the only way
I'll get some sleep.
Good-bye, Mr. Unger,
and good luck.
Gee, the things that
happened to you,
you could write a book...
and now you'll have the time.
(laughs)
(Oscar muttering)
They're making jokes
and I'm drinking orange
juice with cream and sugar.
♪ And the home ♪
♪ Of the brave. ♪
TV ANNOUNCER: And that
concludes another broadcasting day.
Join us when we return
to the air at 6:00 a.m.
(whimpering): What am I
going to do till 6:00 a.m.?
Let us pray.
Let me get some sleep.
Please let me get
some sleep tonight.
Oh... what to do?
Wander around?
I need human contact.
I need someone to talk to.
Oscar won't.
(humming)
Hello, Miriam?
How are you, sweetheart?
It's Felix.
Felix.
Listen, did you see
the late, late, late show?
Well, it was really a doozer.
Barton MacLane
played a good guy, see?
Yeah, it was a comedy.
He was Harry James' agent
and the band is traveling
through a small town in Idaho
and this gal who works in the
box office is Vera Hruba Ralston
and she wants to
sing with the band.
Well, guess how she connives
to get a chance to
sing with the band.
Who gives a what?
That's a side of her
personality I never knew.
Oh...
(humming)
Bo-ring!
(humming)
Come on, Oscar,
breakfast, come on.
I called you five minutes ago.
Come on, let's go!
What do you say?
Hey, let's go!
Attaboy, way to go,
way to go, come on.
Hey, I got your favorite.
Shirred eggs, sausage, muffins.
Come on.
Get the sandman
out of your eyes.
Come on, get the
sandman out of your eyes.
Come on. Felix, come on.
It was very difficult
getting up this morning.
I feel like I just went to
sleep, it was time to get up.
I don't even
remember dreaming...
Oh, come, come on, come on.
Up we go.
Come on, here we are.
Taste your coffee, make
you feel like a new man.
Isn't that good?
Sure it is. There you are.
Funny, I don't
even need a shave.
What's it like outside?
It's dark.
Yeah, energy crisis.
Never mind the energy crisis.
Felix, it's dark!
It's going to be a nice day.
56 degrees, wind
six miles an hour.
It's going to be beautiful.
What time is it?
(mumbling): 4:00 a.m.
What, what, what?
It's 4:00 a.m.
4:00 a.m. in the morning?
You woke me up at
4:00 in the morning?!
You got exactly 30 seconds
to put the sandman
back in my eyes.
I thought you'd like
to pal around with me
till 6:00 a.m. when
the TV comes back on.
Then you can go to bed.
Think of all the
time you'll save.
When you get up,
you'll have already eaten.
You're deranged.
Come on, relax.
Eat, read the paper.
Why do I have to read
the paper? I write the paper.
Besides, it won't be here
for another three hours,
but when it gets here,
it's going to have
your obituary in it.
He's crying, look at this,
he's crying, look at this.
Knock me on the
head, knock me out!
(honks)
I'm going crazy. Oh, boy.
Stop all that, will you?
Let's try to figure
it out, please.
Now, what's bothering you?
There must be something
bothering you. No.
Think.
The rug needs shampooing.
I wouldn't lose
any sleep over that.
No. What about work?
It's going fine, never better.
I just finished a big ad
campaign for a watch company.
Yes.
Listen, how, how many
nights haven't you slept?
What is it? Four nights.
Four nights, so it's
got to be something...
Not one wink! ...that
happened before that.
Four nights, not a
second. Let's go back,
let's go back to
four days, five days.
What happened then?
Think back. Nothing.
Think, like about Monday.
Monday? Yeah, start
a rundown of the day.
My shirts came
from the laundry. Yes.
They were in a box.
I like them on hangers;
that made me angry.
That wouldn't let
you lose sleep.
Come on now.
Got a letter. What letter?
Postage due. Yeah?
I had to trek all the way
back to the post office
What was it? Turned out to
be an ad for freckle cream.
I gave them such
a piece of my mind.
That night I saw Gloria in the
supermarket with another man.
Next day, Tuesday, on the
subway a disgusting wino
sat down next to
me. Hold on, back up.
Back it up a little... Back
it up a little bit, please!
What? Back it up.
Monday,
my shirts... No, no, no, no, no,
between the freckle
cream and the wino.
Yeah? You said
something about Gloria?
Yeah. Yeah?
Saw her in the supermarket
with another man.
You saw your ex-wife
with another man?
Yeah, that doesn't...
I've completely...
I've completely blocked it out.
Of course you
blocked it out. That's it.
Of course that's it.
I'm jealous of the other man.
Sure, you know
how jealous you are.
The last time you saw
Gloria with another man,
you went on a hunger strike.
You would only eat foods
that started with the letter "G."
For three weeks, all
we ate was grapefruit,
gizzards and garbanzo beans.
You think that's it,
huh? I know that's it.
Jealousy slays itself
with its own arrows.
That's what's keeping me awake.
All right, now that
you know what it is,
do something
about it, talk to her...
I can't talk to her.
She's got a perfect right
to go out with other men,
a right she exercises at
every conceivable opportunity.
Besides, she hates
me when I'm jealous.
And I hate you when
your eyes are open,
so do something about it!
Where are you going?
Back to bed.
What should I do with the eggs?
You've got a coarse mind.
You know that?
Felix, did you take care
of that thing with Gloria?
Yes. Good, I'm going to get
a beer and I'm going to go...
Hey! Cookies, let me have one.
No, no, no...
They're not for you.
What'd you make them for?
I had a brainstorm.
I hired a special
investigator to find out
about that man with Gloria.
You gonna pay
him off with cookies?
Yeah. He's just starting out.
(doorknob rattling)
What? There he is.
Where?
He's letting himself
in the front door.
Doesn't he ring the bell? No.
He uses his credit card.
(rattling continues)
Special Investigator
Greshler reporting in, sir.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
What do you think?
Do I look like Columbo?
You look more like Dumbo.
This is my plainclothes outfit.
You see, underneath I've
got my policeman's outfit,
well concealed.
I'm sure that's the way
the force would want it.
Murray, what did you find out?
First, where are my cookies?
Give me the clues and
I'll give you the cookies.
I got the clues right here.
Facts, just facts.
Suspect is male,
white Caucasian,
five-foot-ten, blue
eyes, brown hair.
I know what he
looks like, Murray.
Suspect's name: Bud Herzog,
automobile insurance agent.
Talking to Gloria
about her bumpers.
I'll kill him! I'll
kill every Herzog
in New York! Felix,
she had had a
minor traffic accident.
They were discussing
a settlement.
How'd you dig all this up?
I asked Gloria and she told me.
All right, all right.
All right, listen. So what?
He cured your problem, right?
I'll be able to get some
sleep. Murray, thanks.
I'll call you anytime I
need a private nose.
Hi, Oscar.
Brought you some warm milk.
Help you get to sleep.
You sure? Okay, I'll drink it.
Mmm, good.
Just my way of saying,
"Thanks, Oscar."
I guess I have been
sort of a pain in the rump
to you these past few days.
But so be it.
Tell you one thing.
That Gloria thing has
proved to be a blind alley,
'cause I'm wide awake.
I'm up.
Up as a pup.
(barking)
Just holler when
you're through, Barney.
Oh, boy...
Hey, old buddy.
Hi.
How are you?
Pretty good, thanks.
How're you doing?
Oh... nice, nice.
I had a little nap today.
Really?
Yeah. I fainted in my darkroom.
I overdeveloped an
entire bar mitzvah.
Well, it's all set up, Oscar.
Thank you very much.
Those playoff tickets
are yours, Barney.
Thanks. And good
luck with that thing.
Thank you. Thank you.
Who is that? I promised
you that I was going to get you
a good night's sleep, and
that's what I'm gonna do.
Keep my promise, and also,
I'm gonna get some sleep.
Who is that guy?
He's in used furniture, come on.
Used furniture? Yeah.
Will you come on?
What?
You're gonna be
so surprised. What?
There you go.
What? You don't
notice anything different?
I don't believe it.
Look at this: a water bed!
Huh, look at that!
You got me a used water bed?
The bed is old,
the water is new.
They threw in all new water.
Hmm... Come on.
You try it, you'll like it!
Oh-ho!
I can't sleep on a water bed.
I need a firm mattress.
All right, we'll freeze it.
Come on, will ya?
Get in, try it.
Oh, look at that. Go ahead.
There you go. That's it.
Oh. Hold on.
There you go! Whoa.
There, rock. Ooh.
Just relax. Boy, that's it.
It's like sleeping on Jell-O.
I'm going to put
on a record, okay?
What record? Oh,
wait till you see.
This is a special record.
Special sound effects, see?
When you're lying on the
water, you'll hear the rolling surf.
Yeah. Sounds of the sea.
(tires screeching loudly)
(loud crashing) What was that?
I put it on the wrong side,
auto high jinks.
Okay, go ahead.
Go back to sleep.
Here you go. You promise me
the sea. You nearly ran me over.
Okay, just relax. Yeah.
(waves crashing) Here it comes.
Ahh, yes... Oh,
listen to all that water.
Ah...
Where you going?
I got to go to the bathroom.
Sleep, Felix, sleep.
Oscar, let me try my plan.
What kind of plan is that?
You're gonna yawn, and
he's gonna fall asleep.
Yeah, it's scientifically
proven that
if you watch people yawn, it
makes them tired and sleepy.
I'm not gonna be obvious.
I'm gonna tell
him a sleepy story
and slip in some yawns.
(Felix honks loudly)
Shh, I think he's coming.
MURRAY: Hi, Felix.
Five days.
What were you cleaning now?
My ceiling.
I've spent so much
time staring at it,
I know every
speck of dust on it.
It's clean now,
so don't walk on it.
(laughs)
Haven't lost my sense of humor.
Listen, Murray wants
to tell you a nice story.
A story? Yeah, a terrific story.
Go ahead, Murray, tell
him the story, will ya?
MURRAY: Come on, right here.
Here you go. Hi, Myrna.
Hi. Right here's fine.
That's it.
Pay close attention
to what I say.
I was just out walking my beat,
and I went past this
great, big pillow factory.
(yawns)
All those great, big,
soft, white pillows.
(yawns)
Inside, all the men
were sawing wood.
(makes sawing sound)
Then they stopped
and drank some nice, warm milk.
(yawns)
It was delicious.
(yawns)
Then in came the sheep.
What for?
To jump over the fence.
One... two... (yawns), three...
How many were there?
Oh, I don't know, about 18.
Oh, this is not
gonna work, Murray.
Felix, you asleep?
(honking loudly)
Even back in your own
bed, you can't sleep.
What you got there?
Wait till you see,
buddy, take a look.
Aw, look! All my old toys!
Yeah, I found them
down in the cellar
with the rest of the junk that
your mother sent last year.
You call a man's past
junk? Oh, I didn't mean that.
My blankie.
What did you bring
this stuff up for?
Well, you always told
me when you were a kid,
you never had any trouble
sleeping, right? Yeah.
I figured all this
stuff back remind you
of your childhood, you'd
sleep like a baby again.
My bib! My mother
used to feed me...
Hey, you got a little spot.
Maybe you weren't
so neat as a kid, huh?
My mother did that.
She could never handle a spoon.
Here's my favorite
teddy bear, Mr. Friend.
I slept with him for five years.
Still got his cellophane on.
This is the original.
I wanted to keep him clean.
These things
collect lint, you know.
Oh, I love him.
What else do we
have? Oh, my books!
My stories! Everything, great!
All right, Felix, now,
it's time to go to bed.
Oh, what neat stuff!
Put your toys away.
No, no, please. No, no,
you must go to bed now.
Just what my father used to do.
What else did your father do?
He'd say, "Good night, Junior."
Good night, Junior.
Aw, let me stay up five
more minutes. No, no.
Please, aw, please?
Junior, you must go to bed.
Junior! Read me a story.
Read you a story?
My father always
read me a story
before I went to bed.
Okay.
Is Little Red Riding Hood okay?
Yeah, yeah. I love
that one! I love it.
"Once upon a time..."
This is your favorite part,
so sit up nice and listen.
"Once upon a time..."
Louder. He can't hear
through the cellophane.
"Once upon a time,
there was a little..."
"And Goldilocks
got such a fright
"that she jumped right up
"and ran down the stairs,
"out of the house
and into the forest.
"And Goldilocks never went back
to that little house again."
And Mr. Friend is asleep
and Mr. Enemy is wide awake.
You almost got me
during Rumpelstiltskin.
There's nothing
left to try, Felix.
I'm gonna check into a
hotel and sleep for 88 years.
No, no, no, no,
come on, it's still early.
It's only 11:30, come on.
Are you out of your
mind? It's after 2:00!
No. Yes.
I thought it felt kind of late.
My watch has stopped.
My brand-new electronic watch.
How do you like
that, after six days?
Six days you've had that watch?
Yeah. Where'd you get it?
You know that watch ad I did.
I told you, they
gave me a watch.
What did you do
with your old one?
Gave it to my assistant.
That's an electronic watch?
Yeah. Does it make a noise?
It goes "hmm" when it works.
And your old watch?
My old watch goes
"tick, tick, tick."
What kind of question
is that? Well, you'll see.
Get into your position
when you go to sleep.
Why? Go ahead. Do
what I tell you, go ahead.
Will ya? Listen to Dr. Seuss.
There it is! What?
You see the way your head's
resting when your wrist's there?
Yeah. You miss the
ticking of the other clock.
Really?! I know it.
Tomorrow when you get your
watch back from your assistant,
you'll sleep like a baby.
But what about tonight?
I can't go through another
night without sleeping.
I'll lose my mind.
All right, get into position.
Go ahead.
Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick... tick... tick...
tick... tick... (snoring)
tick... tick... tick.
Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Felix?
You asleep?
It's 5:00 in the morning.
I can't fall asleep.
Want to cook me some breakfast?
(light snoring)
Okay.
Oscar? Huh?
Hey. Wha-What?
Hi.
Hi?
What time is it?
Almost 3:00 a.m.
What's the matter?
Is the apartment on fire?
No.
Then get out of here.
I've got to talk to somebody.
I haven't been able to
sleep for three nights.
Neither have I.
(sobbing): I've got insomnia.
I'm going out of my mind.
(honking loudly)
Look at me, look
how awful I look.
My face is all gray.
It's dust on the mirror.
Don't clean my mirror or
you'll get seven years bad luck.
How do you get to sleep?
Tonight I just worked
till I was sleepy.
And you just went to bed, huh?
I was already in bed.
Astounding.
I had this in the army.
I finally fell asleep
on guard duty.
Felix, will you get
out of here, please?
Turn out the light
and get out of here.
(muttering): Another
human being in distress...
I don't know what to do.
FELIX: Sit up in bed
and stare at the wall
and stare at the ceiling.
Wander around the
house like an idiot.
I don't know what
to do with myself.
I can't sleep, it's agony.
(chair creaking)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oscar, breakfast.
I'm here.
Let's eat.
Boy, are you in bad shape.
Eat your pancakes.
I would if I had
some silverware.
I gave you silverware.
You gave me three knives, Felix.
What am I going to do here?
I've got three forks.
I'll raise you two spoons.
What do I win, the
centerpiece or something?
Where's the syrup?
Maybe the reason you can't
sleep is you need to be with a girl.
Why don't you take
Miriam out tonight?
I'm too tired.
I'll get the bacon.
Felix, this is floor wax.
I'll wax the floor later.
You'll be waxing
the floors at Bellevue
if you don't get some sleep.
Look at this here.
I like my bacon a
little crisper than that.
I'll cook it.
(doorbell buzzing)
I'll get it.
Floor wax and raw bacon.
It's not exactly the
breakfast of champions.
Hi, Mr. Unger.
Hello, Myrna.
Hi, Mr. M., I found
those clips you wanted.
(doorbell buzzing)
Let him in.
Forgot where I was going.
You all right, Mr. Unger?
You seem a little unoriented.
Leave him alone.
He hasn't had any
sleep for three nights.
Oh, Mr. Unger, you
should go to bed.
He's been to bed,
he can't sleep.
He's got insomnia.
Oh, I didn't want to insult you
and tell you how
terrible you look,
but now I can tell you.
You look terrible.
Thank you.
Do you want some coffee?
Sure.
Cream and sugar?
Uh... no, thanks.
I like it orange.
You know, I had insomnia once.
How'd you get rid of it?
Sleeping pills.
I can't take sleeping pills.
My body chemistry
is all cockeyed.
Sleeping pills make
me wide awake,
deodorants make me perspire.
That's funny.
You ought to will your
body to some university.
I've had offers.
One from me.
Come on, let's get to work.
It's the only way
I'll get some sleep.
Good-bye, Mr. Unger,
and good luck.
Gee, the things that
happened to you,
you could write a book...
and now you'll have the time.
(laughs)
(Oscar muttering)
They're making jokes
and I'm drinking orange
juice with cream and sugar.
♪ And the home ♪
♪ Of the brave. ♪
TV ANNOUNCER: And that
concludes another broadcasting day.
Join us when we return
to the air at 6:00 a.m.
(whimpering): What am I
going to do till 6:00 a.m.?
Let us pray.
Let me get some sleep.
Please let me get
some sleep tonight.
Oh... what to do?
Wander around?
I need human contact.
I need someone to talk to.
Oscar won't.
(humming)
Hello, Miriam?
How are you, sweetheart?
It's Felix.
Felix.
Listen, did you see
the late, late, late show?
Well, it was really a doozer.
Barton MacLane
played a good guy, see?
Yeah, it was a comedy.
He was Harry James' agent
and the band is traveling
through a small town in Idaho
and this gal who works in the
box office is Vera Hruba Ralston
and she wants to
sing with the band.
Well, guess how she connives
to get a chance to
sing with the band.
Who gives a what?
That's a side of her
personality I never knew.
Oh...
(humming)
Bo-ring!
(humming)
Come on, Oscar,
breakfast, come on.
I called you five minutes ago.
Come on, let's go!
What do you say?
Hey, let's go!
Attaboy, way to go,
way to go, come on.
Hey, I got your favorite.
Shirred eggs, sausage, muffins.
Come on.
Get the sandman
out of your eyes.
Come on, get the
sandman out of your eyes.
Come on. Felix, come on.
It was very difficult
getting up this morning.
I feel like I just went to
sleep, it was time to get up.
I don't even
remember dreaming...
Oh, come, come on, come on.
Up we go.
Come on, here we are.
Taste your coffee, make
you feel like a new man.
Isn't that good?
Sure it is. There you are.
Funny, I don't
even need a shave.
What's it like outside?
It's dark.
Yeah, energy crisis.
Never mind the energy crisis.
Felix, it's dark!
It's going to be a nice day.
56 degrees, wind
six miles an hour.
It's going to be beautiful.
What time is it?
(mumbling): 4:00 a.m.
What, what, what?
It's 4:00 a.m.
4:00 a.m. in the morning?
You woke me up at
4:00 in the morning?!
You got exactly 30 seconds
to put the sandman
back in my eyes.
I thought you'd like
to pal around with me
till 6:00 a.m. when
the TV comes back on.
Then you can go to bed.
Think of all the
time you'll save.
When you get up,
you'll have already eaten.
You're deranged.
Come on, relax.
Eat, read the paper.
Why do I have to read
the paper? I write the paper.
Besides, it won't be here
for another three hours,
but when it gets here,
it's going to have
your obituary in it.
He's crying, look at this,
he's crying, look at this.
Knock me on the
head, knock me out!
(honks)
I'm going crazy. Oh, boy.
Stop all that, will you?
Let's try to figure
it out, please.
Now, what's bothering you?
There must be something
bothering you. No.
Think.
The rug needs shampooing.
I wouldn't lose
any sleep over that.
No. What about work?
It's going fine, never better.
I just finished a big ad
campaign for a watch company.
Yes.
Listen, how, how many
nights haven't you slept?
What is it? Four nights.
Four nights, so it's
got to be something...
Not one wink! ...that
happened before that.
Four nights, not a
second. Let's go back,
let's go back to
four days, five days.
What happened then?
Think back. Nothing.
Think, like about Monday.
Monday? Yeah, start
a rundown of the day.
My shirts came
from the laundry. Yes.
They were in a box.
I like them on hangers;
that made me angry.
That wouldn't let
you lose sleep.
Come on now.
Got a letter. What letter?
Postage due. Yeah?
I had to trek all the way
back to the post office
What was it? Turned out to
be an ad for freckle cream.
I gave them such
a piece of my mind.
That night I saw Gloria in the
supermarket with another man.
Next day, Tuesday, on the
subway a disgusting wino
sat down next to
me. Hold on, back up.
Back it up a little... Back
it up a little bit, please!
What? Back it up.
Monday,
my shirts... No, no, no, no, no,
between the freckle
cream and the wino.
Yeah? You said
something about Gloria?
Yeah. Yeah?
Saw her in the supermarket
with another man.
You saw your ex-wife
with another man?
Yeah, that doesn't...
I've completely...
I've completely blocked it out.
Of course you
blocked it out. That's it.
Of course that's it.
I'm jealous of the other man.
Sure, you know
how jealous you are.
The last time you saw
Gloria with another man,
you went on a hunger strike.
You would only eat foods
that started with the letter "G."
For three weeks, all
we ate was grapefruit,
gizzards and garbanzo beans.
You think that's it,
huh? I know that's it.
Jealousy slays itself
with its own arrows.
That's what's keeping me awake.
All right, now that
you know what it is,
do something
about it, talk to her...
I can't talk to her.
She's got a perfect right
to go out with other men,
a right she exercises at
every conceivable opportunity.
Besides, she hates
me when I'm jealous.
And I hate you when
your eyes are open,
so do something about it!
Where are you going?
Back to bed.
What should I do with the eggs?
You've got a coarse mind.
You know that?
Felix, did you take care
of that thing with Gloria?
Yes. Good, I'm going to get
a beer and I'm going to go...
Hey! Cookies, let me have one.
No, no, no...
They're not for you.
What'd you make them for?
I had a brainstorm.
I hired a special
investigator to find out
about that man with Gloria.
You gonna pay
him off with cookies?
Yeah. He's just starting out.
(doorknob rattling)
What? There he is.
Where?
He's letting himself
in the front door.
Doesn't he ring the bell? No.
He uses his credit card.
(rattling continues)
Special Investigator
Greshler reporting in, sir.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
What do you think?
Do I look like Columbo?
You look more like Dumbo.
This is my plainclothes outfit.
You see, underneath I've
got my policeman's outfit,
well concealed.
I'm sure that's the way
the force would want it.
Murray, what did you find out?
First, where are my cookies?
Give me the clues and
I'll give you the cookies.
I got the clues right here.
Facts, just facts.
Suspect is male,
white Caucasian,
five-foot-ten, blue
eyes, brown hair.
I know what he
looks like, Murray.
Suspect's name: Bud Herzog,
automobile insurance agent.
Talking to Gloria
about her bumpers.
I'll kill him! I'll
kill every Herzog
in New York! Felix,
she had had a
minor traffic accident.
They were discussing
a settlement.
How'd you dig all this up?
I asked Gloria and she told me.
All right, all right.
All right, listen. So what?
He cured your problem, right?
I'll be able to get some
sleep. Murray, thanks.
I'll call you anytime I
need a private nose.
Hi, Oscar.
Brought you some warm milk.
Help you get to sleep.
You sure? Okay, I'll drink it.
Mmm, good.
Just my way of saying,
"Thanks, Oscar."
I guess I have been
sort of a pain in the rump
to you these past few days.
But so be it.
Tell you one thing.
That Gloria thing has
proved to be a blind alley,
'cause I'm wide awake.
I'm up.
Up as a pup.
(barking)
Just holler when
you're through, Barney.
Oh, boy...
Hey, old buddy.
Hi.
How are you?
Pretty good, thanks.
How're you doing?
Oh... nice, nice.
I had a little nap today.
Really?
Yeah. I fainted in my darkroom.
I overdeveloped an
entire bar mitzvah.
Well, it's all set up, Oscar.
Thank you very much.
Those playoff tickets
are yours, Barney.
Thanks. And good
luck with that thing.
Thank you. Thank you.
Who is that? I promised
you that I was going to get you
a good night's sleep, and
that's what I'm gonna do.
Keep my promise, and also,
I'm gonna get some sleep.
Who is that guy?
He's in used furniture, come on.
Used furniture? Yeah.
Will you come on?
What?
You're gonna be
so surprised. What?
There you go.
What? You don't
notice anything different?
I don't believe it.
Look at this: a water bed!
Huh, look at that!
You got me a used water bed?
The bed is old,
the water is new.
They threw in all new water.
Hmm... Come on.
You try it, you'll like it!
Oh-ho!
I can't sleep on a water bed.
I need a firm mattress.
All right, we'll freeze it.
Come on, will ya?
Get in, try it.
Oh, look at that. Go ahead.
There you go. That's it.
Oh. Hold on.
There you go! Whoa.
There, rock. Ooh.
Just relax. Boy, that's it.
It's like sleeping on Jell-O.
I'm going to put
on a record, okay?
What record? Oh,
wait till you see.
This is a special record.
Special sound effects, see?
When you're lying on the
water, you'll hear the rolling surf.
Yeah. Sounds of the sea.
(tires screeching loudly)
(loud crashing) What was that?
I put it on the wrong side,
auto high jinks.
Okay, go ahead.
Go back to sleep.
Here you go. You promise me
the sea. You nearly ran me over.
Okay, just relax. Yeah.
(waves crashing) Here it comes.
Ahh, yes... Oh,
listen to all that water.
Ah...
Where you going?
I got to go to the bathroom.
Sleep, Felix, sleep.
Oscar, let me try my plan.
What kind of plan is that?
You're gonna yawn, and
he's gonna fall asleep.
Yeah, it's scientifically
proven that
if you watch people yawn, it
makes them tired and sleepy.
I'm not gonna be obvious.
I'm gonna tell
him a sleepy story
and slip in some yawns.
(Felix honks loudly)
Shh, I think he's coming.
MURRAY: Hi, Felix.
Five days.
What were you cleaning now?
My ceiling.
I've spent so much
time staring at it,
I know every
speck of dust on it.
It's clean now,
so don't walk on it.
(laughs)
Haven't lost my sense of humor.
Listen, Murray wants
to tell you a nice story.
A story? Yeah, a terrific story.
Go ahead, Murray, tell
him the story, will ya?
MURRAY: Come on, right here.
Here you go. Hi, Myrna.
Hi. Right here's fine.
That's it.
Pay close attention
to what I say.
I was just out walking my beat,
and I went past this
great, big pillow factory.
(yawns)
All those great, big,
soft, white pillows.
(yawns)
Inside, all the men
were sawing wood.
(makes sawing sound)
Then they stopped
and drank some nice, warm milk.
(yawns)
It was delicious.
(yawns)
Then in came the sheep.
What for?
To jump over the fence.
One... two... (yawns), three...
How many were there?
Oh, I don't know, about 18.
Oh, this is not
gonna work, Murray.
Felix, you asleep?
(honking loudly)
Even back in your own
bed, you can't sleep.
What you got there?
Wait till you see,
buddy, take a look.
Aw, look! All my old toys!
Yeah, I found them
down in the cellar
with the rest of the junk that
your mother sent last year.
You call a man's past
junk? Oh, I didn't mean that.
My blankie.
What did you bring
this stuff up for?
Well, you always told
me when you were a kid,
you never had any trouble
sleeping, right? Yeah.
I figured all this
stuff back remind you
of your childhood, you'd
sleep like a baby again.
My bib! My mother
used to feed me...
Hey, you got a little spot.
Maybe you weren't
so neat as a kid, huh?
My mother did that.
She could never handle a spoon.
Here's my favorite
teddy bear, Mr. Friend.
I slept with him for five years.
Still got his cellophane on.
This is the original.
I wanted to keep him clean.
These things
collect lint, you know.
Oh, I love him.
What else do we
have? Oh, my books!
My stories! Everything, great!
All right, Felix, now,
it's time to go to bed.
Oh, what neat stuff!
Put your toys away.
No, no, please. No, no,
you must go to bed now.
Just what my father used to do.
What else did your father do?
He'd say, "Good night, Junior."
Good night, Junior.
Aw, let me stay up five
more minutes. No, no.
Please, aw, please?
Junior, you must go to bed.
Junior! Read me a story.
Read you a story?
My father always
read me a story
before I went to bed.
Okay.
Is Little Red Riding Hood okay?
Yeah, yeah. I love
that one! I love it.
"Once upon a time..."
This is your favorite part,
so sit up nice and listen.
"Once upon a time..."
Louder. He can't hear
through the cellophane.
"Once upon a time,
there was a little..."
"And Goldilocks
got such a fright
"that she jumped right up
"and ran down the stairs,
"out of the house
and into the forest.
"And Goldilocks never went back
to that little house again."
And Mr. Friend is asleep
and Mr. Enemy is wide awake.
You almost got me
during Rumpelstiltskin.
There's nothing
left to try, Felix.
I'm gonna check into a
hotel and sleep for 88 years.
No, no, no, no,
come on, it's still early.
It's only 11:30, come on.
Are you out of your
mind? It's after 2:00!
No. Yes.
I thought it felt kind of late.
My watch has stopped.
My brand-new electronic watch.
How do you like
that, after six days?
Six days you've had that watch?
Yeah. Where'd you get it?
You know that watch ad I did.
I told you, they
gave me a watch.
What did you do
with your old one?
Gave it to my assistant.
That's an electronic watch?
Yeah. Does it make a noise?
It goes "hmm" when it works.
And your old watch?
My old watch goes
"tick, tick, tick."
What kind of question
is that? Well, you'll see.
Get into your position
when you go to sleep.
Why? Go ahead. Do
what I tell you, go ahead.
Will ya? Listen to Dr. Seuss.
There it is! What?
You see the way your head's
resting when your wrist's there?
Yeah. You miss the
ticking of the other clock.
Really?! I know it.
Tomorrow when you get your
watch back from your assistant,
you'll sleep like a baby.
But what about tonight?
I can't go through another
night without sleeping.
I'll lose my mind.
All right, get into position.
Go ahead.
Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, Tick, tick, tick, tick,
Tick... tick... tick...
tick... tick... (snoring)
tick... tick... tick.
Cuckoo, cuckoo!
Felix?
You asleep?
It's 5:00 in the morning.
I can't fall asleep.
Want to cook me some breakfast?
(light snoring)
Okay.