The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 19 - A Different Drummer - full transcript
Felix wants to get his band on Monty Hall's new show.
Good!
Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!
We're good.
We're as good as
when we were in college.
Think we're better. We're good.
Hey, Felix, thanks
for letting me sit in
with your old gang.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, too bad Oscar isn't here.
He would like to
have sit in, too. Oscar?
Yeah. He told me
he played bass drum
with his high school band.
That's amateur
stuff. We're pros.
Well, for an old college band,
you sure sound professional.
Well, we could have been.
We were almost on Arthur
Godfrey's Talent Scouts.
What happened?
Well, that was the week
Arthur fired Julius LaRosa,
and he was down
on all young talent.
I'll bet you could
get on TV now.
I think that LaRosa
thing has died down.
That's why I got
you together, guys.
I've got a sensational idea
on how we-we can get on TV.
Well, what show do you mean?
Monty Hall.
Let's Make A Deal?
I can't blow this horn
dressed up like a chicken.
He's got a new show.
Monty's Hall of Memories.
Old nostalgia stuff.
We can do our golden oldies.
Monty's gonna love it.
I'm gonna get Oscar to ask him.
MURRAY: Oscar? Oh, yeah.
They're old friends.
They were in college
ROTC together.
Some people say
that's what gave Hitler
the courage to declare war.
(laughter)
Uh, uh, excuse us, fellows.
Take five.
Murray, I'm the leader.
Take three, guys.
(group plays a few notes)
Uh, Felix, uh, listen.
Uh, I didn't want to
bring down the other cats,
but, uh, Oscar's mad at Monty.
I mean, things are not
copasetic between them.
What are you talking about?
Well, Monty embarrassed him.
Remember when you guys
went on Let's make a Deal
dressed up in that horse outfit?
Yeah. Well, I was there.
I wasn't embarrassed.
Yeah, you were playing
the front of the horse.
A stroke of fate.
Oscar wouldn't hold a grudge.
That's months ago.
Okay, fellows, break's over.
Come on. Let's work. Let's work.
Let's do my biggie,
my sure standing ovation number.
Okay. watch the maestro now.
And one, two.
(band plays upbeat jazzy number)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪
♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪
♪ I fell and when I rose ♪
Can I talk to you for a minute?
♪ I felt ashamed ♪ Can
I talk to you for a minute?
Can I talk to you for
a minute?! You like it?
Like what? Yeah,
it's nice, nice.
Tell the guys you
liked it. I like it, guys.
He likes it. Will you come here?
I want to talk to you.
What's the matter with you?
Did you see the paper? No.
On Monty's show tonight,
he's gonna show film clips
of when we were
on Let's Make a Deal.
Oh, that's great. As a horse!
Well, I think that's wonderful.
My aunt in
Cleveland didn't see it.
Now she'll get a
chance to see it.
I'm never gonna
talk to that Monty Hall
again as long as I live.
Oh, Oscar! Oscar! What a creep!
Well, what'd I tell you, Felix?
Looks like no Monty Hall.
Leave it to the maestro.
I can talk that
man into anything.
I'm still living here, am I not?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
KLUGMAN: The Odd Couple was
filmed in front of a live audience.
(applause on TV)
Oscar! Come on, come on!
Monty's almost on.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
You'll see the show,
then you'll ask him
to put our band on, won't you?
Yeah. How can I
ask a favor of a man
I'm not gonna talk to anymore?
You'll send him a note.
Yeah, if it's
attached to a rock!
HALL (on TV): Since
we went on the air
with Let's Make A
Deal over ten years ago.
What's happened to you
since then, Mrs. Abernathy?
Oh, so many
exciting things, Monty.
You know my husband
and I still haven't finished
all those ice cream bars we won.
HALL: You're kidding.
No, we're building
our summer home
out of all those little sticks.
Isn't that...
Funny to you, huh? That Monty.
Thank you, Mrs. Abernathy.
And now, as we promised
you, we have some clips
of memorable moments
of the last ten years
of Let's Make A Deal.
Can we roll these, please?
FELIX: Let' make a deal, Monty!
Let's make a deal!
This horse is a nag.
You want to make another deal?
All right, we'll
take your ten...
HALL: The one in front,
the front part of the horse...
That's Felix Unger.
And the back half was none
other than Oscar Madison,
sportswriter for The
New York Herald.
Ain't life grand?
HALL: Two friends of mine try
to get on the show
in a horse's costume.
Oscar, what are you doing now?
Covering the races
from the inside?
Come on out here,
let's take a look at you.
Come on, Oscar.
Might as well.
Keep your sense of humor.
What about my sense of dignity?
HALL: They tried to con me out
of some money, but I zonked 'em.
Oscar Madison, what do you
want to do? Keep the squid.
Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?
FELIX: Keep the squid?
This is a trick! This is a trick!
Aw, come on. The audience
loved it, and Monty loved it.
Go talk to him.
I am gonna talk to
him through my lawyer.
You know I could sue
him for putting that on
without getting my
permission first?
I gave him permission.
That makes two
guys I'm not talking to.
D-Didn't you think
the color was good?
I looked cute.
(phone ringing)
Mr. Madison's office.
Oh, hi.
No, he's gonna be
late this morning.
Did I watch the show?
Would I miss my boss as a horse?
I laughed.
That Monty, boy!
He really knows how to
show the best sides of people.
Okay, I'll tell him. Bye.
Hi, honey.
Good morning, Mr. M.
Any calls?
Yeah, a lot of people saw
you on that show last night.
How many's a lot?
Oh, about...
Are you finished, Trigger?
I'm sorry. I was only kidding.
I'm the only one
who saw it, I'm sure.
Yeah, good.
(sputtering like a horse)
(neighing)
What am I, the Godfather?
It wasn't me, honest.
It was Mr. Sarkesian,
the night editor.
He thought it would be funny.
Yeah.
I'll tell him it wasn't funny.
Mm. That Monty
Hall... When I see him,
I'm gonna give him such a clop,
he won't know door number
one from door number three.
You'll never guess what's
behind door number two.
Hi, Oscar.
Get out of here.
Well, I'll just leave you
two alone and just go...
horse around.
(laughs)
Felix wasn't kidding, was he?
When'd you talk to Felix?
He called me this morning
to tell me how upset you
were about the show last night.
Mm-hmm. Really, Oscar.
I'm surprised at you.
Where's your sense of humor?
I just don't believe
that you'd get mad
over a thing like that.
Yeah, well, we
believe different things,
different ways of life, buddy.
But you guys were funny.
Admit it, you were funny.
Yeah. It was a good
show and all in fun.
Fun for you. Come on!
Good Old Oscar.
Put a saddle on him, you
can take him anywhere.
Oh, boy, you can dish it out,
but you can't take it, huh?
What do you mean, dish it out?
Well, think back
to our college days.
You invited me to
a masquerade party.
It turned out to be a
formal dinner for the dean,
and I show up in a gorilla suit?
Huh? Yeah, that
you like. (laughs)
I think that's where
you got the idea
for Let's Make A Deal.
Never mind. The main
thing is that I did it,
you laughed, and I
forgave you, right?
Yes, you did. That's
right, even Steven.
Even Steven. You're
right. Okay, but no more.
I don't want to see
it on television...
Well, well, well.
Mr. Hall! Hello, Felix.
Monty, the Muckraker, huh?
You came down here
to gloat over the man
you humiliated last night in
front of millions of people?
Felix, please. Felix, you
told me to come down here...
Whatever, whatever. Look, if
you make fun of me, who cares?
I'm an unknown
photographer, but this man...
A respected journalist,
a famous man...
To strip him of his
last shred of dignity
in front of the whole country.
Felix, will you cut it
out? It's all right now.
You hear that? It's all right.
There's a big man.
If you were as big as
he, as compassionate,
you'd try to do everything in
your power to make amends.
You'd try to do
something really classy,
like, uh, I... Like what?
Oh, put a friend of
his on your TV show.
Felix, will you please?
That's not a bad idea, but I
can do even better than that.
You'll give his friend
the whole show?
No, better than that.
You'll give his
friend a TV series?
No. I'm gonna put Oscar
himself on my TV show.
What would you want
to do a thing like that for?
What can he do? He's nothing.
Hey, Oscar, you want
to come on my show?
Look out for nothin',
will ya? What do I do?
Well, we're doing a
college nostalgia bit,
and we've been collecting
some old film clips
of college football
games, stuff like...
Who wants to see old film clips?
Yeah, and you could
narrate the show,
and then do some
of your sports stories.
Yeah. You could have a band.
The band could play college
songs, marching songs.
And because I know
what you can do,
I don't have to audition any
of those crazy acts this week.
You know, a woman hitchhiked
all the way down from Schenectady
to show me how
she plays "Ramona"
on top of her son's head.
The pressure's really
getting to me, Oscar.
You got to learn to relax.
You want to play
softball with us tomorrow?
Yeah, I'd like to
very much. Okay.
Then after the game,
come up to the apartment.
I'll make some snacks. Yeah.
Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
I want to tell you about...
Going out for lunch.
Say, that's a good idea.
MONTY: It's been so long ago...
Hey, where you going, guys?
Is there a good place near here?
They're coming.
Oh.
How'd you make
three errors on the...?
FELIX: Well, well, well,
how was the game?
Look, he liked the park so much,
he brought some
of it home with him.
Yeah, look at this,
huh? Felix, what is this?
Well, something broke down,
we're having some repairs.
Everything broke
down at the same time?
You ever have a day like that?
Go get cleaned up before
you eat, come on, come on.
Dirtiest ball player I ever saw.
Monty, sit down, relax,
take a load off your cleats.
Enjoy. Oh, thank you.
I made you a snack.
Have a sandwich.
Oh, how nice of
you. And a one, two.
(band plays jazzy intro)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes,
and when she bumped my nose ♪
♪ I fell and when I
rose, I felt ashamed ♪
♪ And told her
that's the latest step ♪
♪ That's the latest step,
that's the latest step ♪
♪ My honey ♪
♪ Notice all the pep,
notice all the pep ♪
♪ Notice all the pep ♪
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little bit. ♪
Well, that's...
That's a good idea.
(whistling)
Hold it here!
All right! What?
The amateur hour is over.
You all lost.
I'm sorry. If I knew they
were gonna pull a crazy stunt
like this, I never would
have asked you over.
Wait a minute, Oscar,
they weren't too bad.
You see, he loved us!
We're a hit.
He didn't say "love."
He said you weren't too bad.
There's a big difference.
Felix, if these guys
aren't out of here
before I finish dressing,
I'm gonna tune your nose!
I don't believe...
Crazy, lovable guy.
What do you say, Monty?
Can't you use the
band on your show?
Yeah, that might work out,
but you see, I'm
overbooked for this week.
As a matter of fact,
I've got a comedian
waiting three weeks
to get on the show.
Who wants to hear jokes
when they could listen to music?
But I don't think that we
could make the transition
from Oscar's sports
stories into music.
It's a natural. It's a natural.
It's what they call
a segue in music.
It's perfect. Don't you see?
It ties in because... No.
It's Oscar's band.
It's what?
Yes. Oscar's band...?
Oscar doesn't play a musical
instrument. Oh, sure, yes.
And I've heard him sing.
He's no singer either.
He plays drums.
"Sticks" Madison.
The guy's got a great beat.
Hey, that's funny.
I used to walk a great beat.
You see? You see? (laughter)
Do you want to listen
to rotten jokes like that
or wouldn't you
rather have music?
Well, I'll tell you,
since it's Oscar's band, Yes.
We could make the transition.
Why don't we ask him...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me talk to him.
The guy's a little bit
shy about his talent.
I thought he was
just shy of talent.
Laugh it up,
guys, it's his show.
(laughing heartily)
That Monty!
You want to hear
college marching songs,
you're gonna hear
them from Oscar's band.
"Football Hero," guys.
And one... ♪ You gotta
be a football hero ♪
♪ To get along with
the beautiful gals ♪
♪ You gotta be a
touchdown getter, you bet ♪
♪ If you want to get
somebody to pet ♪
♪ The fact that you
are rich or handsome ♪
♪ Won't get you
anything in curls ♪
♪ You gotta be a football hero ♪
♪ To get along
with the beautiful ♪
♪ Along with the beautiful ♪
♪ Along with the
beautiful girls. ♪
(trumpet plays final
note as Felix sings along)
Hey.
Oscar.
Breakfast.
What's that?
Mm. It's a drop cloth.
It's just a... I know that.
What's under it?
Something that dropped.
I got Miriam a birthday present.
Yeah, what did you get her?
A purse.
Why don't you want me to
know what's under the sheet?
Breakfast is ready.
Soft-boiled eggs?
You know I like scrambled.
Well, have a little
variety in your life.
You always have
scrambled, less cholesterol.
At least you could've
cracked the shell for me.
You do that. It's
part of the fun.
Hey!
That's good.
What's good?
The way you hit that egg.
It had something.
Set my toes to tapping.
You mean this?
Yeah, it's got a certain
natural animal rhythm to it.
Try hitting the glass.
Yeah, yeah, more, more.
Oh, that's really good. It
makes me want to dance.
(Felix clapping along
with glass tapping)
Are you nuts or
something? Come on.
Admit it though, you used
to be a great drummer.
What great drummer?
I hit a bass drum twice a song.
But you never lost it.
I never had it.
Talent will out. Nope.
How would you
like to be a member
of the Unger Five Plus None?
Felix, come on now.
I hit a glass with a spoon,
and you want me to be
a drummer in your band?
I'm not kidding.
If you had a real set of drums
to practice on and
someone to teach...
Yeah, where would I
get a real set of drums?
Voilà.
It's not a purse?
It's not a purse.
Come over here and sit down.
Let's just see how you
look. Ah, come on, Felix.
You're being
absolutely... Look at this.
Look how he picks
up those sticks.
Like a duck to water.
I can just see...
Give me a drumroll.
You want a drum...
The Unger Five
Plus None presents,
right in the middle
where Monty can see him,
the timpantastic Oscar Madison,
make us crazy... No,
no, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
Mr. Music Maker, with the crazy.
Before "timpantastic," What?
What was that "where
"Monty can see him"?
What was that?
Can't fool the fox, can I?
Monty said if it was your
band, we could go on his show.
And that's why I couldn't
have scrambled eggs, huh?
Well, I had to do something.
It wasn't for me,
it's for the guys.
They want it so much.
What could I do?
Felix, I would like to
help you, but listen to me,
I cannot play the drums.
It's a natural instinct,
playing the drums.
You ever seen a
baby in a restaurant
banging the table
with his spoon.
It's so annoying.
That's exactly what I'm
afraid of... I'll be so annoying.
You're not a baby, you'll
bang better than that.
You'll have five guys
around to cover for you.
I'll teach you. It's
gonna be easy.
Oh, I haven't had my
breakfast. Please...
Musician's are always
better when they're hungry.
Sit down. You
know that song that...
that sort of features
the drummer.
(humming tune) Yeah, I know.
Okay, let's wail.
You'll come in... on
the breaks, okay?
And... (playing upbeat tune)
Come in on the break.
(humming tune)
Okay, and...
(playing upbeat tune)
(music stops)
That was the break?
That's the break.
Maybe I'm throwing too
much at you all at once.
Do you know "How High the Moon"?
Yeah. ♪ Somewhere the... ♪
That's close enough.
All right, here we go.
And... (piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
It's... it's too loud.
Try the brushes.
Ready?
And... (piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
(music stops)
I think your problem is you're
trying to show off, you see.
Use just one brush.
One brush? Yeah, yeah.
Here we go. And...
(piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
(music stops)
It's... it's too complex
for you, isn't it?
I told you I wasn't a drummer.
You didn't tell me how
much you're not a drummer.
Hold it a minute, buddy.
You were the one who said
I'd be a great asset to the band.
You were the one
that said I had rhythm.
Somewhere between the
egg and the drums you lost it.
Okay, so let's forget... No,
no, no, no, we gotta do this.
I know. Wait. Sit
down, sit down.
Take your brushes. Here you are.
Now, softly, make a sort of...
(soft whooshing)
Softer. Softer.
(mouthing)
I'm not playing anything.
Exactly.
Now you move around a bit.
Move the body. That's it.
That's it. Give it the...
You know, move your mouth.
That's it.
Here we go. And...
(piano playing)
(mouthing)
That's it.
We'll have an offstage
drummer cover for you.
Good.
(Monty talking on TV)
Hey, Oscar looks
pretty good on TV.
He's been on 15 minutes.
When's he gonna
introduce the band?
He will.
And that's the only time
that a college football game
has ever been called
off because of a volcano.
(audience laughing)
That's a funny story.
Oh, I got a million of them.
We know, we know.
Oh, but I do have a sideline
that not many
people do know about.
It's this little musical group
that I sort of put together.
Fellas, this is it.
Here we go, the big tag.
(excited chattering)
I'm gonna say
hello to my mother,
to my Uncle Alfred
and my Aunt Doris.
MONTY: Oh, that reminds me.
You have a story about a
marching band from Northwestern?
Who cares about a marching band?
Oh, you mean the time
one of the guys in the band
went on the field and
hit the quarterback
over the head
with his flügelhorn.
That's it. No, this is...
You gotta hear this
one from the beginning.
This is one of the
funniest stories.
I hope I can tell
it right. Let's see...
It was third down...
And we'll have
more of these stories
right after these
commercial messages.
How much time left on the show?
Only two minutes left,
Monty. Only two minutes.
Gee, we ran long, but
those stories were so great.
Oh, I didn't mean
to talk that long.
Once I get started I
can't... When do we go on?
It looks like we're not gonna
be able to work the band in.
What?
Just one of those
things. We ran overtime.
Ah, boy!
What a gyp!
You sure there isn't
enough time, Monty?
No, the, uh... we have
the commercial messages,
then I sing my
song and that's it.
Well, there's no problem.
We can do our song instead.
No, the format is that I
get to sing my song last.
Oh, there must be some way.
Please, Monty.
Well, maybe we could get
the band to play behind me.
Yeah, yeah. And you
and I will do a duet.
A duet? Yeah.
Don't get pushy. Monty
sings alone. Yeah.
Well, if I don't go,
the band doesn't go.
Right, guys?
Felix, you've got to step aside
for the good of the band.
I'll play the trumpet.
Cut out. You're through.
Felix, come on now,
you can't play the trumpet.
I'll fake it. (imitate
trumpet playing)
Will you cut it out? Come on.
Now, that's show business.
You know the guy
waiting in the green room?
He's been waiting
there for three weeks.
Yeah, but I'm a
personal friend of Monty's.
Are you kidding?
That guy is Monty's
Uncle Chester.
I mean, that's the way it goes.
I'm so close I can taste it.
Well, I'm not gonna
play the drums.
The real guy's gonna
play on camera.
Another broken bulb in the
bright lights of Broadway.
All right, Monty, take the band.
MURRAY: Come on, guys, let's go.
FELIX: Break a leg, guys.
You know, he's really upset.
I know. Come on.
Felix?
Am I on?
Uh, no, Uncle Chester.
We ran out of time.
That's it, you're
out of my will.
Felix, look, we don't
want you to be upset.
Why don't you come
on stage with us?
What do you want me on for?
I don't know any funny
marching band stories.
Okay, if you don't
want... I'll go on.
Come on.
Ready to go, Monty.
Thank you.
Felix, why don't you have
a seat right over here?
Oscar, have a seat.
And now for my closing
number, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce
you to a song
that I just dug up, and I
think it suits me so well
I'm gonna use it for my
closing theme every week.
Al?
One, two... (snapping fingers)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪
♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪
That's my song. ♪ I
fell and when I rose ♪
My standing ovation
number. ♪ I felt ashamed ♪
He got my style, everything.
He stole it. ♪ That's the latest
step, that's the latest step ♪
♪ That's the latest
step, my honey ♪
He's using my smile. ♪ Notice
all the pep, notice all the pep ♪
♪ Notice all the pep ♪
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little bit ♪
(Monty whistling
along with band)
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little
bit, bit, I'm a hit. ♪
(song ends, applause)
(applause)
Well, we're out of time, folks,
so that's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank everybody
who came on our program
and a... a special
thanks to Felix Unger
who almost... Yeah, go ahead.
Quite didn't make it.
Felix, come on
down here and sing.
Come on, Felix.
Hi, Mom!
♪ Everyone it seems ♪
♪ Ever shares my dreams ♪
♪ 'Cause without you, dear ♪
♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪
♪ In this heart of mine ♪
♪ You live all the time ♪
♪ Sweet Sue ♪
♪ Just you. ♪
(scatting)
♪ Ah... ♪
(song ends)
Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!
We're good.
We're as good as
when we were in college.
Think we're better. We're good.
Hey, Felix, thanks
for letting me sit in
with your old gang.
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, too bad Oscar isn't here.
He would like to
have sit in, too. Oscar?
Yeah. He told me
he played bass drum
with his high school band.
That's amateur
stuff. We're pros.
Well, for an old college band,
you sure sound professional.
Well, we could have been.
We were almost on Arthur
Godfrey's Talent Scouts.
What happened?
Well, that was the week
Arthur fired Julius LaRosa,
and he was down
on all young talent.
I'll bet you could
get on TV now.
I think that LaRosa
thing has died down.
That's why I got
you together, guys.
I've got a sensational idea
on how we-we can get on TV.
Well, what show do you mean?
Monty Hall.
Let's Make A Deal?
I can't blow this horn
dressed up like a chicken.
He's got a new show.
Monty's Hall of Memories.
Old nostalgia stuff.
We can do our golden oldies.
Monty's gonna love it.
I'm gonna get Oscar to ask him.
MURRAY: Oscar? Oh, yeah.
They're old friends.
They were in college
ROTC together.
Some people say
that's what gave Hitler
the courage to declare war.
(laughter)
Uh, uh, excuse us, fellows.
Take five.
Murray, I'm the leader.
Take three, guys.
(group plays a few notes)
Uh, Felix, uh, listen.
Uh, I didn't want to
bring down the other cats,
but, uh, Oscar's mad at Monty.
I mean, things are not
copasetic between them.
What are you talking about?
Well, Monty embarrassed him.
Remember when you guys
went on Let's make a Deal
dressed up in that horse outfit?
Yeah. Well, I was there.
I wasn't embarrassed.
Yeah, you were playing
the front of the horse.
A stroke of fate.
Oscar wouldn't hold a grudge.
That's months ago.
Okay, fellows, break's over.
Come on. Let's work. Let's work.
Let's do my biggie,
my sure standing ovation number.
Okay. watch the maestro now.
And one, two.
(band plays upbeat jazzy number)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪
♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪
♪ I fell and when I rose ♪
Can I talk to you for a minute?
♪ I felt ashamed ♪ Can
I talk to you for a minute?
Can I talk to you for
a minute?! You like it?
Like what? Yeah,
it's nice, nice.
Tell the guys you
liked it. I like it, guys.
He likes it. Will you come here?
I want to talk to you.
What's the matter with you?
Did you see the paper? No.
On Monty's show tonight,
he's gonna show film clips
of when we were
on Let's Make a Deal.
Oh, that's great. As a horse!
Well, I think that's wonderful.
My aunt in
Cleveland didn't see it.
Now she'll get a
chance to see it.
I'm never gonna
talk to that Monty Hall
again as long as I live.
Oh, Oscar! Oscar! What a creep!
Well, what'd I tell you, Felix?
Looks like no Monty Hall.
Leave it to the maestro.
I can talk that
man into anything.
I'm still living here, am I not?
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
KLUGMAN: The Odd Couple was
filmed in front of a live audience.
(applause on TV)
Oscar! Come on, come on!
Monty's almost on.
Come on! Come on! Come on!
You'll see the show,
then you'll ask him
to put our band on, won't you?
Yeah. How can I
ask a favor of a man
I'm not gonna talk to anymore?
You'll send him a note.
Yeah, if it's
attached to a rock!
HALL (on TV): Since
we went on the air
with Let's Make A
Deal over ten years ago.
What's happened to you
since then, Mrs. Abernathy?
Oh, so many
exciting things, Monty.
You know my husband
and I still haven't finished
all those ice cream bars we won.
HALL: You're kidding.
No, we're building
our summer home
out of all those little sticks.
Isn't that...
Funny to you, huh? That Monty.
Thank you, Mrs. Abernathy.
And now, as we promised
you, we have some clips
of memorable moments
of the last ten years
of Let's Make A Deal.
Can we roll these, please?
FELIX: Let' make a deal, Monty!
Let's make a deal!
This horse is a nag.
You want to make another deal?
All right, we'll
take your ten...
HALL: The one in front,
the front part of the horse...
That's Felix Unger.
And the back half was none
other than Oscar Madison,
sportswriter for The
New York Herald.
Ain't life grand?
HALL: Two friends of mine try
to get on the show
in a horse's costume.
Oscar, what are you doing now?
Covering the races
from the inside?
Come on out here,
let's take a look at you.
Come on, Oscar.
Might as well.
Keep your sense of humor.
What about my sense of dignity?
HALL: They tried to con me out
of some money, but I zonked 'em.
Oscar Madison, what do you
want to do? Keep the squid.
Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?
FELIX: Keep the squid?
This is a trick! This is a trick!
Aw, come on. The audience
loved it, and Monty loved it.
Go talk to him.
I am gonna talk to
him through my lawyer.
You know I could sue
him for putting that on
without getting my
permission first?
I gave him permission.
That makes two
guys I'm not talking to.
D-Didn't you think
the color was good?
I looked cute.
(phone ringing)
Mr. Madison's office.
Oh, hi.
No, he's gonna be
late this morning.
Did I watch the show?
Would I miss my boss as a horse?
I laughed.
That Monty, boy!
He really knows how to
show the best sides of people.
Okay, I'll tell him. Bye.
Hi, honey.
Good morning, Mr. M.
Any calls?
Yeah, a lot of people saw
you on that show last night.
How many's a lot?
Oh, about...
Are you finished, Trigger?
I'm sorry. I was only kidding.
I'm the only one
who saw it, I'm sure.
Yeah, good.
(sputtering like a horse)
(neighing)
What am I, the Godfather?
It wasn't me, honest.
It was Mr. Sarkesian,
the night editor.
He thought it would be funny.
Yeah.
I'll tell him it wasn't funny.
Mm. That Monty
Hall... When I see him,
I'm gonna give him such a clop,
he won't know door number
one from door number three.
You'll never guess what's
behind door number two.
Hi, Oscar.
Get out of here.
Well, I'll just leave you
two alone and just go...
horse around.
(laughs)
Felix wasn't kidding, was he?
When'd you talk to Felix?
He called me this morning
to tell me how upset you
were about the show last night.
Mm-hmm. Really, Oscar.
I'm surprised at you.
Where's your sense of humor?
I just don't believe
that you'd get mad
over a thing like that.
Yeah, well, we
believe different things,
different ways of life, buddy.
But you guys were funny.
Admit it, you were funny.
Yeah. It was a good
show and all in fun.
Fun for you. Come on!
Good Old Oscar.
Put a saddle on him, you
can take him anywhere.
Oh, boy, you can dish it out,
but you can't take it, huh?
What do you mean, dish it out?
Well, think back
to our college days.
You invited me to
a masquerade party.
It turned out to be a
formal dinner for the dean,
and I show up in a gorilla suit?
Huh? Yeah, that
you like. (laughs)
I think that's where
you got the idea
for Let's Make A Deal.
Never mind. The main
thing is that I did it,
you laughed, and I
forgave you, right?
Yes, you did. That's
right, even Steven.
Even Steven. You're
right. Okay, but no more.
I don't want to see
it on television...
Well, well, well.
Mr. Hall! Hello, Felix.
Monty, the Muckraker, huh?
You came down here
to gloat over the man
you humiliated last night in
front of millions of people?
Felix, please. Felix, you
told me to come down here...
Whatever, whatever. Look, if
you make fun of me, who cares?
I'm an unknown
photographer, but this man...
A respected journalist,
a famous man...
To strip him of his
last shred of dignity
in front of the whole country.
Felix, will you cut it
out? It's all right now.
You hear that? It's all right.
There's a big man.
If you were as big as
he, as compassionate,
you'd try to do everything in
your power to make amends.
You'd try to do
something really classy,
like, uh, I... Like what?
Oh, put a friend of
his on your TV show.
Felix, will you please?
That's not a bad idea, but I
can do even better than that.
You'll give his friend
the whole show?
No, better than that.
You'll give his
friend a TV series?
No. I'm gonna put Oscar
himself on my TV show.
What would you want
to do a thing like that for?
What can he do? He's nothing.
Hey, Oscar, you want
to come on my show?
Look out for nothin',
will ya? What do I do?
Well, we're doing a
college nostalgia bit,
and we've been collecting
some old film clips
of college football
games, stuff like...
Who wants to see old film clips?
Yeah, and you could
narrate the show,
and then do some
of your sports stories.
Yeah. You could have a band.
The band could play college
songs, marching songs.
And because I know
what you can do,
I don't have to audition any
of those crazy acts this week.
You know, a woman hitchhiked
all the way down from Schenectady
to show me how
she plays "Ramona"
on top of her son's head.
The pressure's really
getting to me, Oscar.
You got to learn to relax.
You want to play
softball with us tomorrow?
Yeah, I'd like to
very much. Okay.
Then after the game,
come up to the apartment.
I'll make some snacks. Yeah.
Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
I want to tell you about...
Going out for lunch.
Say, that's a good idea.
MONTY: It's been so long ago...
Hey, where you going, guys?
Is there a good place near here?
They're coming.
Oh.
How'd you make
three errors on the...?
FELIX: Well, well, well,
how was the game?
Look, he liked the park so much,
he brought some
of it home with him.
Yeah, look at this,
huh? Felix, what is this?
Well, something broke down,
we're having some repairs.
Everything broke
down at the same time?
You ever have a day like that?
Go get cleaned up before
you eat, come on, come on.
Dirtiest ball player I ever saw.
Monty, sit down, relax,
take a load off your cleats.
Enjoy. Oh, thank you.
I made you a snack.
Have a sandwich.
Oh, how nice of
you. And a one, two.
(band plays jazzy intro)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes,
and when she bumped my nose ♪
♪ I fell and when I
rose, I felt ashamed ♪
♪ And told her
that's the latest step ♪
♪ That's the latest step,
that's the latest step ♪
♪ My honey ♪
♪ Notice all the pep,
notice all the pep ♪
♪ Notice all the pep ♪
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little bit. ♪
Well, that's...
That's a good idea.
(whistling)
Hold it here!
All right! What?
The amateur hour is over.
You all lost.
I'm sorry. If I knew they
were gonna pull a crazy stunt
like this, I never would
have asked you over.
Wait a minute, Oscar,
they weren't too bad.
You see, he loved us!
We're a hit.
He didn't say "love."
He said you weren't too bad.
There's a big difference.
Felix, if these guys
aren't out of here
before I finish dressing,
I'm gonna tune your nose!
I don't believe...
Crazy, lovable guy.
What do you say, Monty?
Can't you use the
band on your show?
Yeah, that might work out,
but you see, I'm
overbooked for this week.
As a matter of fact,
I've got a comedian
waiting three weeks
to get on the show.
Who wants to hear jokes
when they could listen to music?
But I don't think that we
could make the transition
from Oscar's sports
stories into music.
It's a natural. It's a natural.
It's what they call
a segue in music.
It's perfect. Don't you see?
It ties in because... No.
It's Oscar's band.
It's what?
Yes. Oscar's band...?
Oscar doesn't play a musical
instrument. Oh, sure, yes.
And I've heard him sing.
He's no singer either.
He plays drums.
"Sticks" Madison.
The guy's got a great beat.
Hey, that's funny.
I used to walk a great beat.
You see? You see? (laughter)
Do you want to listen
to rotten jokes like that
or wouldn't you
rather have music?
Well, I'll tell you,
since it's Oscar's band, Yes.
We could make the transition.
Why don't we ask him...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me talk to him.
The guy's a little bit
shy about his talent.
I thought he was
just shy of talent.
Laugh it up,
guys, it's his show.
(laughing heartily)
That Monty!
You want to hear
college marching songs,
you're gonna hear
them from Oscar's band.
"Football Hero," guys.
And one... ♪ You gotta
be a football hero ♪
♪ To get along with
the beautiful gals ♪
♪ You gotta be a
touchdown getter, you bet ♪
♪ If you want to get
somebody to pet ♪
♪ The fact that you
are rich or handsome ♪
♪ Won't get you
anything in curls ♪
♪ You gotta be a football hero ♪
♪ To get along
with the beautiful ♪
♪ Along with the beautiful ♪
♪ Along with the
beautiful girls. ♪
(trumpet plays final
note as Felix sings along)
Hey.
Oscar.
Breakfast.
What's that?
Mm. It's a drop cloth.
It's just a... I know that.
What's under it?
Something that dropped.
I got Miriam a birthday present.
Yeah, what did you get her?
A purse.
Why don't you want me to
know what's under the sheet?
Breakfast is ready.
Soft-boiled eggs?
You know I like scrambled.
Well, have a little
variety in your life.
You always have
scrambled, less cholesterol.
At least you could've
cracked the shell for me.
You do that. It's
part of the fun.
Hey!
That's good.
What's good?
The way you hit that egg.
It had something.
Set my toes to tapping.
You mean this?
Yeah, it's got a certain
natural animal rhythm to it.
Try hitting the glass.
Yeah, yeah, more, more.
Oh, that's really good. It
makes me want to dance.
(Felix clapping along
with glass tapping)
Are you nuts or
something? Come on.
Admit it though, you used
to be a great drummer.
What great drummer?
I hit a bass drum twice a song.
But you never lost it.
I never had it.
Talent will out. Nope.
How would you
like to be a member
of the Unger Five Plus None?
Felix, come on now.
I hit a glass with a spoon,
and you want me to be
a drummer in your band?
I'm not kidding.
If you had a real set of drums
to practice on and
someone to teach...
Yeah, where would I
get a real set of drums?
Voilà.
It's not a purse?
It's not a purse.
Come over here and sit down.
Let's just see how you
look. Ah, come on, Felix.
You're being
absolutely... Look at this.
Look how he picks
up those sticks.
Like a duck to water.
I can just see...
Give me a drumroll.
You want a drum...
The Unger Five
Plus None presents,
right in the middle
where Monty can see him,
the timpantastic Oscar Madison,
make us crazy... No,
no, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
Mr. Music Maker, with the crazy.
Before "timpantastic," What?
What was that "where
"Monty can see him"?
What was that?
Can't fool the fox, can I?
Monty said if it was your
band, we could go on his show.
And that's why I couldn't
have scrambled eggs, huh?
Well, I had to do something.
It wasn't for me,
it's for the guys.
They want it so much.
What could I do?
Felix, I would like to
help you, but listen to me,
I cannot play the drums.
It's a natural instinct,
playing the drums.
You ever seen a
baby in a restaurant
banging the table
with his spoon.
It's so annoying.
That's exactly what I'm
afraid of... I'll be so annoying.
You're not a baby, you'll
bang better than that.
You'll have five guys
around to cover for you.
I'll teach you. It's
gonna be easy.
Oh, I haven't had my
breakfast. Please...
Musician's are always
better when they're hungry.
Sit down. You
know that song that...
that sort of features
the drummer.
(humming tune) Yeah, I know.
Okay, let's wail.
You'll come in... on
the breaks, okay?
And... (playing upbeat tune)
Come in on the break.
(humming tune)
Okay, and...
(playing upbeat tune)
(music stops)
That was the break?
That's the break.
Maybe I'm throwing too
much at you all at once.
Do you know "How High the Moon"?
Yeah. ♪ Somewhere the... ♪
That's close enough.
All right, here we go.
And... (piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
It's... it's too loud.
Try the brushes.
Ready?
And... (piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
(music stops)
I think your problem is you're
trying to show off, you see.
Use just one brush.
One brush? Yeah, yeah.
Here we go. And...
(piano playing)
(drums drowning out piano)
(music stops)
It's... it's too complex
for you, isn't it?
I told you I wasn't a drummer.
You didn't tell me how
much you're not a drummer.
Hold it a minute, buddy.
You were the one who said
I'd be a great asset to the band.
You were the one
that said I had rhythm.
Somewhere between the
egg and the drums you lost it.
Okay, so let's forget... No,
no, no, no, we gotta do this.
I know. Wait. Sit
down, sit down.
Take your brushes. Here you are.
Now, softly, make a sort of...
(soft whooshing)
Softer. Softer.
(mouthing)
I'm not playing anything.
Exactly.
Now you move around a bit.
Move the body. That's it.
That's it. Give it the...
You know, move your mouth.
That's it.
Here we go. And...
(piano playing)
(mouthing)
That's it.
We'll have an offstage
drummer cover for you.
Good.
(Monty talking on TV)
Hey, Oscar looks
pretty good on TV.
He's been on 15 minutes.
When's he gonna
introduce the band?
He will.
And that's the only time
that a college football game
has ever been called
off because of a volcano.
(audience laughing)
That's a funny story.
Oh, I got a million of them.
We know, we know.
Oh, but I do have a sideline
that not many
people do know about.
It's this little musical group
that I sort of put together.
Fellas, this is it.
Here we go, the big tag.
(excited chattering)
I'm gonna say
hello to my mother,
to my Uncle Alfred
and my Aunt Doris.
MONTY: Oh, that reminds me.
You have a story about a
marching band from Northwestern?
Who cares about a marching band?
Oh, you mean the time
one of the guys in the band
went on the field and
hit the quarterback
over the head
with his flügelhorn.
That's it. No, this is...
You gotta hear this
one from the beginning.
This is one of the
funniest stories.
I hope I can tell
it right. Let's see...
It was third down...
And we'll have
more of these stories
right after these
commercial messages.
How much time left on the show?
Only two minutes left,
Monty. Only two minutes.
Gee, we ran long, but
those stories were so great.
Oh, I didn't mean
to talk that long.
Once I get started I
can't... When do we go on?
It looks like we're not gonna
be able to work the band in.
What?
Just one of those
things. We ran overtime.
Ah, boy!
What a gyp!
You sure there isn't
enough time, Monty?
No, the, uh... we have
the commercial messages,
then I sing my
song and that's it.
Well, there's no problem.
We can do our song instead.
No, the format is that I
get to sing my song last.
Oh, there must be some way.
Please, Monty.
Well, maybe we could get
the band to play behind me.
Yeah, yeah. And you
and I will do a duet.
A duet? Yeah.
Don't get pushy. Monty
sings alone. Yeah.
Well, if I don't go,
the band doesn't go.
Right, guys?
Felix, you've got to step aside
for the good of the band.
I'll play the trumpet.
Cut out. You're through.
Felix, come on now,
you can't play the trumpet.
I'll fake it. (imitate
trumpet playing)
Will you cut it out? Come on.
Now, that's show business.
You know the guy
waiting in the green room?
He's been waiting
there for three weeks.
Yeah, but I'm a
personal friend of Monty's.
Are you kidding?
That guy is Monty's
Uncle Chester.
I mean, that's the way it goes.
I'm so close I can taste it.
Well, I'm not gonna
play the drums.
The real guy's gonna
play on camera.
Another broken bulb in the
bright lights of Broadway.
All right, Monty, take the band.
MURRAY: Come on, guys, let's go.
FELIX: Break a leg, guys.
You know, he's really upset.
I know. Come on.
Felix?
Am I on?
Uh, no, Uncle Chester.
We ran out of time.
That's it, you're
out of my will.
Felix, look, we don't
want you to be upset.
Why don't you come
on stage with us?
What do you want me on for?
I don't know any funny
marching band stories.
Okay, if you don't
want... I'll go on.
Come on.
Ready to go, Monty.
Thank you.
Felix, why don't you have
a seat right over here?
Oscar, have a seat.
And now for my closing
number, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce
you to a song
that I just dug up, and I
think it suits me so well
I'm gonna use it for my
closing theme every week.
Al?
One, two... (snapping fingers)
♪ Stumbling all around,
stumbling all around ♪
♪ Stumbling all
around, so funny ♪
♪ Stumbling here and
there, stumbling everywhere ♪
♪ And I must declare ♪
♪ I stepped right on her toes ♪
♪ And when she bumped my nose ♪
That's my song. ♪ I
fell and when I rose ♪
My standing ovation
number. ♪ I felt ashamed ♪
He got my style, everything.
He stole it. ♪ That's the latest
step, that's the latest step ♪
♪ That's the latest
step, my honey ♪
He's using my smile. ♪ Notice
all the pep, notice all the pep ♪
♪ Notice all the pep ♪
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little bit ♪
(Monty whistling
along with band)
♪ She said, stop mumbling ♪
♪ Though you are stumbling ♪
♪ I like you just a
little bit, just a little bit ♪
♪ Quite a little
bit, bit, I'm a hit. ♪
(song ends, applause)
(applause)
Well, we're out of time, folks,
so that's our show for tonight.
I'd like to thank everybody
who came on our program
and a... a special
thanks to Felix Unger
who almost... Yeah, go ahead.
Quite didn't make it.
Felix, come on
down here and sing.
Come on, Felix.
Hi, Mom!
♪ Everyone it seems ♪
♪ Ever shares my dreams ♪
♪ 'Cause without you, dear ♪
♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪
♪ In this heart of mine ♪
♪ You live all the time ♪
♪ Sweet Sue ♪
♪ Just you. ♪
(scatting)
♪ Ah... ♪
(song ends)