The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 18 - Shuffling Off to Buffalo - full transcript

Hey, good morning, buddy.

What a great day!
You want a sandwich?

Morning.

Take those spiked
shoes off my counter!

The cleats are made of rubber.

They don't scratch.

Look what he's
having for breakfast,

a bologna sandwich.

It's all right, it's
got corn flakes in it.

No wonder you've got ulcers.

Please, don't nag, huh?



It's Sunday, so
please don't nag.

Even naggers have
to rest on Sundays.

Up early to get a head
start on your messiness?

Nope. A telegram came.

Had to get up anyway.

The sportswriters are
playing touch football

against the Playboy
Bunnies this morning.

It's a half sandwich
left over from last night.

Yeah, I'm saving it for later.

No wonder I nag at you!

Oh, get off my back, will ya?

Get out of my life!

That's the answer to everything!

Felix, move out.
Get rid of Felix.



What did your telegram say?

It's not for me, it's for
you. I got a telegram?!

Yeah. You didn't
tell me. What? What?

Did you give me a
chance with your nagging?

Listen, I got a
great day planned.

I don't want you to ruin it.

It's going to be...

Will you stop shaking
when I'm talking to you?

I always shake
when I get a telegram.

Who knows what it means? What?

Hmm... Hey, great news!

My brother, Floyd,
is coming to spend

a couple of days with us.

Hey, you think I'm fun,

wait till you meet Floyd.

He's exactly like me.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Oscar!

How'd the game
with the Bunnies go?

Look at that smile!

Hey! What happened?

We lost, 87 to nothing.

But we set an all-time record

for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Your brother show up?

No, not yet. Any minute now.

You don't mind Floyd spending
a couple of days, do you?

No, no, I did at first, you
know, when you mentioned it,

but after all, you put up
with my cousin, Freddie.

Freddie was all right,

if you like a man
who carves his roast

with a switchblade.

And those calls in
the middle of the night.

So he got a few calls.

From the street?

"Hey, Freddie! Come on down!"

Forget about Freddie.

Tell me about
your brother, Floyd.

He's a big man
up there in Buffalo.

Yeah, what does he do?
He's got his own company.

He's president.
President of what?

What does he do?

(mumbles): He makes bu...

He makes what?

Bubble gum.

Makes bubble gum?

Yeah, Unger Gum, yeah. Oh.

It's kind of hard to imagine

a grown-up man
making bubble gum.

I always pictured that pink
elves made it or something.

(doorbell buzzes)

There's Floyd.

There he is!
Felix... There he is!

Little F! Aw, Big F!

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Come in.

How are Mildred and the kids?

Oh, they're just super
terrific and how are you?

Tip-top, tip-top.
Yeah, oh, good.

You haven't changed, Felix.

Still the greatest,

most generous guy in the world.

Inviting a poor, deprived person

into your home just to feed him.

That's Oscar, my roommate.

Oh!

Oh, ho-ho... Oh, hi, Oscar.

Let's look at the
old family album.

Well, it's getting late.

Time to go to bed. It's
8:30, what are you talking?

No, wait a minute.
Now, listen, listen, Felix.

I don't think Oscar
wants to look at a lot

of old photographs.
Sure, he does.

No! He wants to look at
some new photographs instead.

Oh, boy, what have you got?

Mildred and the kids.

Hey! Hey, that's cute.

What is that in
front of their faces?

Well, they're all
blowing bubbles.

They like it a lot.

Great looking Ungers, Floyd.

Nice family.

Well, as the great
Al Jolson used to say,

"You ain't seen nothing yet."

Now, look, look.

Here's my big girl, Alice.

Here's my big boy, Bobby.

There's big Alice and big Bobby.

There's my little girl, Sharon.

There's big Alice and big Bobby

and little Sharon.

There's my little boy, David.

There's Sharon and David.

You don't have
every combination.

Well, of course I do.
They're in my other wallet.

Well, it is getting late.
I have to go to bed.

Good night, Oscar.
Good night, good night.

You've got a great life, Floyd.

Oh, Felix.

You're always telling me
what a great life I have.

Now, you know,
my offer still stands.

Why don't you come
up to good old Buffalo

and go into business with me?

"Come up to good old Buffalo"?

I thought you were tired,
you were going to bed?

I got my second wind.

I mean, New York really
isn't the place for you, Felix.

You're a country boy like me.

Floyd, you know,

he always tells me how he
envies your easy life up there.

Whenever New York City gets
him depressed, he starts with,

"I'm gonna pack, I'm gonna
go back to Buffalo." Right.

Right, right, and you could
have a much better job.

You could be my general manager.

Look, look, Felix, I need

the Unger kind of mentality
up there, someone I can trust.

But I don't know anything
about bubble gum.

Well, I could teach you
the business in a week.

You know, it's
not as complicated

as people seem to think.

But, Floyd, I've put
down roots here.

Felix, you cannot
plant roots in cement.

And you're not happy
in this rat race, are you?

Well, I love photography.

OSCAR: Oh, come on, Felix.

That's not what
you've been telling me

for the last three months.
FLOYD: Felix, please!

Well, life has a way

of disillusioning
you, I suppose.

I thought when I
became a photographer,

I'd, I'd be an artist.

You know what kind of work I do.

Last week, I did a
layout for a bug spray ad.

They brought 300
cockroaches into my studio.

You start out with big plans,

you wind up with little bugs.

I mean, you can't even keep
your windows clean in this city.

Oh, who knows
that better than I do?

I mean, sooty
windows for an Unger.

It's shocking. That
is shocking, Felix.

But... I just can't
leave New York City.

It's the center of everything...

The museums, the
theater, the opera, art...

My style is the Big Apple.

All right, all right,
all right, Felix,

but just promise me
that you'll think about it

before I go back to Buffalo.
I'll think about it, Floyd.

I will, I will. All
right, good. Okay.

So now let's look
at the other pictures.

Oh, where does the time go?

Good night-o, people.

(typewriter clacking)

Hi, you country bumpkin, you.

Oh... Oscar.

Oh!

Today, I shot an entire
layout for baby food.

One kid spit up strained
beets all over my camera.

Another one was
teething on my arm.

From now on, I'm
gonna use midgets.

Oh, come on, will ya?

I'm exhausted!

Felix, what happened?

I fell asleep on the subway.

Somebody stole my shoes.

Didn't I tell you never to
take the subway anymore,

and you shouldn't wear
your loafers in New York?

Stole the pennies
and everything.

I tell you, kiddo, the Big
Apple is beginning to sour.

Where's Floyd?

Where else?

He's in his room, cleaning.

Oh, lucky stiff.

He is on his way to Paradise.

To Buffalo.

I'm stuck here.

Oh, why are the innocent
always the victims?

You know, Felix, you're turning

into a professional complainer.

I've got a right to complain.

Yeah, well, I'm sick
of hearing Buffalo this

and Buffalo that
and Buffalo this...

I could do very well in Buffalo.

Believe me, I've been
dreaming about it.

Well, stop whining,
stop dreaming and go.

I just might do it, Mister.

Well, go ahead.

I'd be the general manager

of an up and coming
bubble gum company.

Get myself a nice, little house,

keep the windows
clean, raise ferns...

Maybe Gloria and
the kids would come up

and stay with me a little while.

It might be the
salvaging of my marriage.

Floyd! Floyd!

You remember on
my eighth birthday

when I asked for
those electric trains?

I said I'd never ask
for anything else?

You never gave me those trains.

Let me have this.

Here, Felix, I'll take
your bag and coat.

Oscar, thank you for everything.

Take good care of Felix. I will.

I'll be right down. Right.

So this is how it all ends?

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

I don't feel right
about this, Oscar.

Leaving you with all
this extra expense.

You never have any money.

How're you gonna pay the rent?

Maybe I'll get another roommate.

Well, maybe things
won't work out

up there in Buffalo.

You'll water my
plants, won't you?

Every day.

This is my baby.

I'm taking it this
one... Felix, you can't.

They won't let you
on the bus, come on.

I'll take care of it.
What can I say, Oscar?

Four years ago, a
man came to this door

who had nowhere to turn.

You took him in.

Remember that day?

Like I remember Pearl Harbor.

Told you I was only
staying temporarily.

Yeah, you did.

All good things
must come to an end.

Oscar?

What am I doing?

Shuffling off to Buffalo.

You're gonna miss
my sense of humor.

Yippee!

Yes, Dixie?

Here's the insurance
report on the explosion.

What explosion?

Oh, that was before
you were here.

Last month, one of the
vats in the factory blew up.

Really? Anybody hurt?

No, but there was
gum everywhere.

Four of the workers had
to have their heads shaved.

Those people should
wear shower caps.

Make a note of that.

Take a letter to Oscar Madison.

Dear Oscar.

I'm fine. How are you?

Things are going just
Jim Dandy for me here.

I'm chewing my way to the top.

Ha, ha, ha.

Put three dots between the ha's.

Enough about me.

I'm looking forward
to your visit next week

when you cover the game.

I hope you're surviving,

and remembering the little
things like wiping your feet

before you come
into the apartment.

(door buzzer)

Come on in, Murray.

Don't forget to wipe your feet.

(whistling)

All right. Enough!

I gotta catch a plane
to Buffalo, remember?

Yeah, I got a car
downstairs waiting.

Hey, snappy shoes.

Where'd you get 'em, Oscar?

Macy's and Gimbel's.

I packed a black pair.

Hey, maybe you could
talk Felix into coming back.

Who wants him back?

It took me four
years to get rid of him,

so who wants him back?

Okay, whatever you say, Oscar.

Oh, come on, let's
go, we're late, let's go.

Hey, where's your suitcase?

Holy mackerel. Forgot...

Hmm.

Yeah.

I like bubble B.

Nice try A and C.

Yes, Dixie?

There's a Mr. Madison
to see you. Oscar's here?

Send him in. Send him in!

You can come in now, fella.

Oscar, aw...

Good to see you. Gee.

You look terrific. How are you?

I'm great. I'm great. You?

How do you like my office?

I am impressed. Yeah?

Yeah. Got my own secretary.

Yep. I know. I
saw her out there.

Got my own window,

with a view of Buffalo
second to none.

Wow! You can see
half of Buffalo from...

Who would believe

that eight bowling
alleys in the same block

could do much business?

They're turning them away.

I'm on the company
team. Feel that arm.

Like a rock! Yeah. Yeah.

Did you find a house?

No, I'm staying with Floyd.

You know, the nephews worship
their uncle Felix, you know.

What do you do actually?

Busy from morning till night.

Research and
Development. Uh-huh.

I invent new flavors.

I taste gum.

This is my pet project.

This is going to
revolutionize the gum industry.

Bubble gum cards

for kids who don't like sports.

"Great Moments In Opera.

"Number 16.

Mimi gets tuberculosis."

And the other
side's a little libretto.

Oh, yeah, that's cute.

Hey, that's terrific... Uh,
Big F, they want you over...

Floyd! Oscar!

Hi, Floyd. How are
you? Nice to see you.

Well, what brings
you to Buffalo?

I'm covering a basketball
game tomorrow night.

Oh, well, I hope Felix
is bringing you to dinner.

My wife is dying to meet
you. I don't want to impose.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly.

You know Felix and
I always make plenty.

Okay. You'll come to the house.

You'll meet the Zebras.

I'll meet the what?

The Zebras... Floyd's lodge.

Wonderful bunch of guys. Oh.

Yes, I'm president
of the local herd.

Felix is a Zebra.

You're a Zebra?

Does Unger gum blow bubbles?

Uh,

Big F, they want see
you over in, in production.

Okay. Right. Be right back.

Okay, see you later, buddy.

(door shuts)

Well, what do you think, Oscar?

I must admit I am surprised.

I didn't expect him
to adapt so easily.

He seems so happy.

Mmm. He's happy.

Then you're happy. No.

You're not happy?

No, he's driving us all crazy!

What do you mean?

Oscar, I don't understand

what he's doing in research.

Here, here, try
this, just try it.

Try that.

Oh, and have you seen

his bubble gum
cards for opera fans?

Yeah, he showed 'em to me.

Do you know how many
seven-year-old opera fans

there are in this world?

These kids will be
trading in 50 Beverly Sills

for one Ron Swoboda.

And you know what his
other newest innovation is?

No. What? Oh.

A little wash 'n dry
in every package.

So they can wipe
their little mouths.

Tastes like broccoli! Yes!

Yes!

You see what I mean?

I don't know what to do.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

I can't ask him to
go back to New York.

How would you feel
about his coming back?

Oh, well, listen, Floyd,
I don't really need him,

but I don't want the world
chewing broccoli gum.

Well, can't you at
least talk to him?

I mean, you are his best friend.

Yeah, but you're his brother.

Well, but I can't!

I begged him to come up here.

This way. Please, come on.

Great idea, Little F.

What do you think?

No more sticky hair.

Well, that, uh...

that certainly is an idea.

I knew you'd love it.

Thanks, boys. Come
on, back to the line.

Now, Oscar, do you
see what I mean?

He's having those
men wear shower caps

in order to keep the
gum out of their hair.

And those men are Teamsters.

(intercom buzzes)

DIXIE: They want you
in production, Mr. Unger.

Oh, look, look, I have to,

I have to go, but-but, please,

please, talk to him.

I can't even get ex-convicts
to work for me anymore.

"Great Moments in
Opera, number 19.

Madame Butterfly
commits suicide."

I'll talk to him.

Okay, Felix, steady
does it now. All right.

Steady? Yeah.

And the Zebra's
present the Pyramid!

Yay! Yay!

Way to go, way to go!

Hey, that's great!

Hey, not bad. Would you believe

they thought they could win
with the three-legged race?

Oh, Felix is taking
over the whole picnic.

Well, Oscar, what do you think

of your old buddy becoming
a member of our lodge, huh?

He's a born Zebra. Oh, yeah.

Now, when he comes
down to the lodge,

he has access to
the old water hole

and full grazing
rights in the cafeteria.

Well, it's getting
pretty late, fellows.

Fingers! Fingers!

Right, the old fingers...

Zebra fingers!
Good night, fellows.

Well, good night, Oscar.

Give my regards to Old Broadway.

(overlapping chatter)

Fingers! Fingers!

Nice guys.

Buffalo's best.

Floyd, 10:00.

Oh, thank you, pookums.

Well, Mildred and I
are gonna turn in now.

Oh, but, Oscar, you stay up...

You, you stay up as
late as you want, and, uh,

you know, in case you
have anything to say to Felix.

Will do. Okay.

Nice meeting you, Oscar.
Thanks for everything.

Felix, the children want
to say good night to you.

I told you, they worship
their Uncle Felix.

FELIX: Good night, Sharon.

Good night, Sharon and Bobby.

Good night, Sharon
and Bobby and David.

Good night, Sharon,
Bobby, David and Alice.

Did you tell 'em good night?

Ah!

Felix, uh,

something I want
to talk to you about.

Uh, yeah...

I want to tell you that, uh,

it's hard to believe that,
after a month, you're a Zebra.

Mmm. You know, it's hard.

What do you want to do now?

What do you usually do?

Well, after they
go to bed I sit here,

and watch TV, read a book.

Yeah, but you got full
grazing rights now. Yeah.

We can go down to
the lodge, you want to?

They got a juke box,

they got a pinball machine.

Felix, I'd rather talk

to you. We can do that.

Something I want
to tell you. I hate it!

What?

I can't stand it anymore.

I'm going crazy!

All I do all day long is
talk about bubble gum.

That's no life for a grown man.

It should be made
by little pink elves.

I thought you
loved it. I've tried,

but I can't stand
making decisions

about bubble gum
for the rest of my life.

Floyd does it. Floyd is a jerk!

Shh! Will you?
It's your brother.

Look at that jacket he wears.

Felix!

Boy, you sure had me fooled.

You seemed so happy.

Laugh, clown, laugh.

I didn't want to
hurt Floyd's feelings.

You know me.

I don't let everybody know
my troubles... Silent Sam.

You're Silent Sam?

Photography was glamorous.

Even the cockroaches.

Something different every day.

Even if things went
wrong, it was exciting.

Felix, you gotta accept

that you're a city boy at heart.

You bet your Buffalo.

"Bet your Buffalo."

You see? I'm going crazy.

I'm gonna handle
it. I'm gonna tell him.

What, what, what? Don't.

Floyd! You'll break his heart!

It won't break his
heart. Believe me.

No, no... Floyd, Felix
wants to tell you something.

It can wait... It can't wait.

It's all right, Big F.

I'm telling you it's all right.

He wants to tell you
something. What?

Floyd, I want to leave the herd.

I'm, I'm not happy here, Floyd.

I... I want to go
back to New York.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Felix, don't be sorry.

It, it just wasn't
right for you.

I mean, I'm glad you tried it,

but I wouldn't hold you here.

I-I love this life,

but it's not right
for everybody.

You see, not everyone
can cut it as a Buffalonian.

You guys want to talk it over?

No, no, no, no, Oscar.

Please stay. You're family.

Look, I can get a general
manager anywhere, Felix,

but you're my brother,

and I want you to be happy.

Now, I want you to
go back to New York

and just... knock 'em dead.

Okay?

Good night, Oscar.
Good night, Floyd.

He's not a jerk.

He's a nice guy.

No wonder my mother
liked him better than me.

Hey, buddy, you want to go
down to the old water hole?

It's your last chance to
use your grazing rights.

It's a nice lodge house.

It really is. You want
to go? Yeah. Yeah.

We share a pool
table with the USO.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Gee, when I go back to New York,

I'll have to find a
place to live, won't I?

Yeah, well, I
mean, if you want to,

temporarily now, while
you're looking for a place,

if you want to stay in
your old room, it's okay.

Didn't you find
another roommate?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I did.

He was there for
about three days.

But what a slob!

Wait'll you see
the mess he made!

Oh, it's so good to be back.

I told you he was a slob.

Oh, come on, no
roommate did this.

This has got the mark
of Madison all over it.

Here's your signature.

Ugh.

I gotta admit I did it.

I did it.

You must have missed me plenty.

Well, just in the little ways.

You know, the way you
used to trim my lamb chops

and the way you used
to mark the TV Guide

for the shows that
I should watch...

the way you paid
the electric bill.