The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 17 - Vocal Girl Makes Good - full transcript
Felix's newest opera discovery will only appear if Oscar is also in the production.
(laughter and
indistinct chatter)
Oh, it was a great
birthday party.
Thanks for everything.
Those typesetters really
know how to throw a wild bash.
You know, one of them
printed a dirty word on my wrist.
Yeah, and they made a
great headline for Oscar.
"Oscar Celebrates
40th Year of Sloppiness."
That's very funny, very funny.
Listen, I got to get
back to my desk.
Oh, thanks for the shirt.
It really is terrific.
You're welcome.
What happened to the
one you wore to work today?
Have it underneath it.
Here it is. Oh, Oscar!
Don't forget, Phyllis,
tomorrow night
we're really gonna
celebrate my birthday, right?
Okay. Bye, bye, honey.
Bye, Phyllis. Bye, Myrna.
I got to take this
down to the copy room.
Good. Let's get back
to work here, huh? Hi.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Jackie.
I made this cake
for your birthday.
I didn't want to
come to the party.
You know I don't like crowds.
You shouldn't have
gone to that trouble.
It's no trouble.
It's my recipe in
the column today,
except for the "Happy
Birthday Oscar."
That I added.
Thank you. Mmm.
I love you. Look,
I know you're shy.
There's nobody around.
Why don't you sing for me?
Please, come on!
(singing with operatic voice):
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
(singing virtuosically): ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
(with high voice): ♪
Which nobody can deny! ♪
Someone's here to see you.
No, it's all right.
Don't go, Jackie...
See you later.
Who is that girl?
That's Jackie Hartman.
She writes the "Dining
Out With Jackie" column.
Listen... What a voice!
Yeah, I know. What's in
the package, my present?
If we had her in my opera
club, we could do Carmen.
Oh, no, no. She won't
sing in public. She's shy.
She tried it once,
and she froze.
She'll never do it again. You
brought me a little present.
Right? What is it? I don't
care if she's shy or not.
She's my Carmen.
Yeah, you're my best friend, so
what happened to the present...?
(mumbling): I don't believe it.
This is kids stuff
here with a stink.
Look at this.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Mr. M., they want to see
you in accounting right away.
They want to see me again?
They want to see you and the
$600 you claimed in lunches.
Yeah? Well, I'm not
worried about them this time,
'cause I got
receipts right here.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can take the shoe.
FELIX: Come on,
don't be afraid of me.
Tell her to trust me.
She seems to be afraid of me.
Oh, yeah, Felix is harmless.
He just wants to talk to you.
I'll be right back. Come
on, will you, honey?
Don't be embarrassed.
Aw, let's see a
great big smile, huh?
Yeah, don't you feel
better? Sure you do.
Come here.
Miss Hartman, I am the founder
and president of a
local opera group.
Twice a year, we put
on productions for charity.
If you're not doing
anything tonight,
I'd love it if you'd come
meet the group and audition.
Will Mr. Madison be there?
Mr. Madison likes
midget wrestling.
No. I-I wouldn't fit in.
Miss Hartman, unless
I miss my guess,
you were born to be Carmen!
Please come meet the group.
I wouldn't know anybody there.
I have to go.
Yes, you know me,
you know Oscar.
But you said Oscar
doesn't belong.
Well, it's his apartment.
What have you got to lose?
Come on, please.
Do I have to sing?
You don't have to do
anything you don't want to do.
Oscar'll escort you from
work. He'll take you in a cab.
Won't you take Jackie to
the opera meeting tonight?
You want to go?
All right.
I knew you would. Thank you.
8:00 tonight.
So long, Jackie.
Aw. You talked her into it!
I'm surprised.
I've got the kind
of face people trust.
I wish you would take
your trusting face down
to the accounting department.
The guy wouldn't
accept my receipts.
He says I owe him $600. Hmm.
Listen, will you lend it
to me? I didn't hear you.
Happy Birthday! Big surprise.
Is it something I
could hock? (laughs)
I was gonna get
you some coasters,
and then this thing
caught my eye.
What is this, a
toothbrush for Moby Dick?
It's a lint brush.
Don't you love it?
(cackles)
You see, you take
the lint off like this,
and then to clean it, you
just turn the head around.
You mean like this?
We'll dispense with the singing
of the minutes of
the last meeting
so that I can make
an announcement,
which is a biggie!
Today I found someone
who will be the answer
to our musical prayers.
But I thought our
membership was closed.
Mr. Felscher,
if the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir took that attitude,
they'd still be a quartet.
And I want you to
meet Jackie Hartman!
Make her feel at home.
(applause)
Jackie, sit down
anywhere you want.
No, no, no, no,
Jackie, sit here.
And, of course, you all
know Oscar Madison.
(group murmuring) Huh!
FELIX: As you know, every
year we plan to put on Carmen.
Well, I have finally
found someone
who absolutely fills the bill.
So I move that as
our first production,
we put on Bizet's
immortal Carmen.
All those in favor,
signify by singing aye.
GROUP: ♪ Aye. ♪
♪ Abstain. ♪
Opposed? MURRAY:
♪ Point of order! ♪
What is your point of
order, Officer Greshler?
Begging your pardon,
Miss, I don't want to seem
to sound supercritical,
but Felix, don't you think
we ought to hear
the little lady sing
before we entrust her
with such a killer role?
Bravo, bravo! Thank
you. Thank you.
I don't think Miss
Hartman would mind
obliging us with
a little cadenza.
Sure, since she's a
member of the group now.
Come on, come on.
We'd all love to hear you.
What'll you sing?
What do you know?
Let's see what we've got.
You know "Una Voce Poca Fa"?
Of course you do. All right now.
(piano plays)
♪ Una voce poc... ♪
I have to go home now.
What's the matter?
Jackie, where are you going?
I'm sorry.
You know I can't sing
in front of strangers.
Oh, honey, I wouldn't call
these people strangers.
Strange maybe,
but not strangers.
Anyway, I'd like
to hear you sing.
Belt one out for me, will ya?
If you want me to, I'll
give it a try. Good girl.
Come on.
You'll munch quietly
while she's singing.
(piano plays)
♪ Una voce poca fa ♪
♪ Qui nel cor mi risuonò ♪
♪ Il mio cor ferito è già ♪
♪ E lindor fu che il piagò ♪
♪ Sì... lindoro mio sarà ♪
♪ Lo... giurai ♪
♪ La vincerò ♪
♪ Sì, lindoro mio sarà ♪
♪ Lo... ♪ (sotto voce): I'm
gonna make her a big star.
I wonder how she'll thank me.
♪ Giurai ♪ Maybe
she'll give you a lint brush.
♪ Sì, la vincerò. ♪
ALL: Bravo!
WOMAN: Bravo!
(door hinges squeak)
Thank you, Murray.
It's okay, Felix.
Oh!
Will we rehearse again?
What's the use?
The whole thing was a disaster.
(sighs)
How could Jackie
spend the whole rehearsal
in the ladies' room?
Poor girl was scared to death.
People aren't gonna pay
three dollars and 50 cents
to hear Carmen in a bathroom,
even though the acoustics
are very good in there.
She sang so great
here the other night.
I know it, I know. I just...
I can't figure it out.
Felix, try to think
like a detective.
Now, I'm trained in
deductive reasoning.
First we re-create a scene.
Jackie sang here
the other night and
stood right here,
looked at Oscar right there,
and never turned away.
Ergo, we can assume
that she can only
sing into a kitchen.
You know, I
don't think that's it.
But it fits. Hmm.
That's why she
stayed in the bathroom.
She likes porcelain.
Ah. Or maybe she
can only sing to Oscar.
Well, that's another theory.
Maybe I should put
Oscar in the opera.
It might work.
How do I get Oscar in the opera?
I'll appeal to his
artistic sense.
I'll appeal to his sense of
humanity to help Jackie.
I'll appeal to our
years of friendship.
And if that doesn't work,
I'll lend him the $600.
That'll do it.
Now, I got to teach you
your part. What part?
Oh, I thought I was just
here for Jackie to sing to.
Yeah, but you have to
have a reason to be on stage.
You have a part.
You don't have to sing.
You speak two lines.
I'm lending you $600.
That's $300 a line.
See, your part's underlined.
See what it says...
"1820 in Seville."
Oh, you play a Spanish captain.
Hi, Jackie. Hi.
Hi. Jackie came.
She volunteered to
rehearse with you.
Oh, hi, honey. Hi.
Hey, I'm the captain.
Look out. Okay.
Now, captain comes
in, he sees the corporal...
That's me, Don José...
And he-he finds him
talking with Carmen. Right.
So, you go over
there, you come in.
Right. Okay.
What are you doing?
Coming in like you told me.
Is that the way you
come in like a captain?
Is that the way a captain walks?
I don't know how
a captain walks.
Spanish captain
swaggering, braggadocio.
He see the corporal. Aha!
And then he walks in.
He puts his hand on his hip.
Aha. Like that.
Hello, Corporal.
You know, give it
the... Yeah. Come on.
Aha!
Aha!
Now, put your hand on your hip.
Not like that.
You... You look
like a, you know...
That's it. That's it.
And you say, "Well, Corporal!"
Well, Corporal.
I'm the corporal. She's...
You say, "Mademoiselle
Carmencita."
Mademoiselle Carmencita.
And then she answers you.
♪ Tra la la la la la la ♪
♪ Coupe moi, brûle
moi, je ne te dirai rien! ♪
Very nice.
I like your singing.
It's very good.
But when it comes to
acting, we're in my ballpark.
You can trust me, trust my face.
Ah, Carmen is not a
shy, sweet girl like you.
She's an animal.
She's sensual.
She moves.
When she sees something
she wants, she grabs it!
Come on, and... ♪
Tra la la la la la la ♪
♪ Coupe moi, brûle
moi, je ne te dirai... ♪
I have a headache.
I have to get some aspirin.
Huh?
What do you think of our
shy Miss Hartman now?
Wow!
What a kiss!
She broke my pencil.
Any messages for me?
Yeah, an angel food
cake from Jackie.
You want some?
No, I can't, I'm on a
diet... a low-fat diet.
I'm trying to lose
some of this... low fat.
That's terrific.
I don't like chocolate, though.
I know, I told her that.
You know, she's brought
me something every day
for four weeks now since
we went into rehearsal?
Well, you know what they say.
"Nothing spells lovin' like
something from the oven."
What are you talking about?
Well, you've been seeing a
lot of her these last four weeks.
Dinners, rehearsals.
Well, after rehearsal
, we're hungry.
She knows all the good
places to eat, so we go.
What is that?
Well, that's not
what the gossip says.
Do you know the
secretaries have a pool
as to where you'll go
on your honeymoon?
Honeymoon? Mm-hmm.
I stand to make $12 if you
take her to Coney Island.
Think about it.
Is that all you
girls have to do...
Sit around and gossip
and do things like that?
Yeah.
Has Phyllis heard any of these
rumors about Jackie and me?
I don't think so.
I think she's on a
different grapevine.
See, we meet at the
water cooler on this fl...
That's it, I don't want
to hear it, all right?
Jackie just makes me some cake.
That's all there is to it.
We'll see what happens.
Uh-oh.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Aw... Isn't it time
you went home?
The day's over. Good night.
Good night, Mr. M.
Good night, Phyllis.
Good night.
What's the matter, honey?
Oscar, I was just at the
water cooler on this floor and...
Aw, come on, now, you're not
going to believe that gossip, are you?
I mean, there's nothing to it.
Tomorrow we have the
performance, and it's all over.
Are you sure? Honest.
Would I lie to you, sweetheart?
Come on.
Okay.
How come you're
not rehearsing tonight?
They're having a
technical rehearsal.
See, we're free, honey, come on.
(giggling): Okay.
Mm...
Okay, I guess I trust you.
Thanks.
(Felix chuckling)
What are you doing? Cut it out.
Did you have a
good time tonight?
Oh, Phyllis and I had a ball.
Went to the hockey
game and everything. Oh!
(chuckles)
You'll never guess
who dropped by.
Who?
Jackie.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
She was very upset.
What's the matter?
Well, she caught you
kissing Phyllis in the office.
So?
Well... don't you understand?
Jackie is crazy about you.
Myrna said the same thing.
Now, that's silly.
We're just good
friends. She doesn't think
you're good friends.
She was very hurt.
She was so upset, she didn't
want to sing tomorrow night.
Because of me? Yes.
That's a misunderstanding.
Well, don't worry about it.
I was able to straighten
the whole thing out.
Oh, good. Thanks, buddy.
Little Felix had to
do some fast thinking.
Yeah? What'd you tell her?
(chuckling): Wait till
you hear the genius of it.
I told Jackie you're
going to marry her.
It's good, huh?
You're upset.
Well, I admit I may
have gone too far.
I left you an out.
I also told her that you
only had two months to live.
But I covered everything.
I told her Phyllis
was your nurse.
You know why Phyllis
was kissing you?
She was thanking you
for willing your body
to her medical school.
You see, that
way, I lent credibility
to the whole thing.
Jackie's back in her office now
typing out three
weeks of columns
so she'll have time
off for the honeymoon.
(groans)
Hi, Jackie. Oh, Oscar.
What are you doing
here? How do you feel?
Oh, I feel fine, I'm fine.
Oh, I-I was just doing
some things around here.
I wanted it to be nice
when you came in.
Looks terrific.
Jackie, I'd like to talk
to you for a second.
Sit down, will you, honey?
Felix already told me.
Yeah, that's what I
want to talk to you about.
Jackie, I...
I got some good news
and I got some bad news.
Oh?
The good news is,
I'm not going to die.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What's the bad news?
I'm not going to die.
I don't understand.
Well, Jackie, see,
Felix was so excited
about your success
and the start of a new
career and everything...
We all were, we all are...
And he got a
little carried away.
How far away?
Fantasyland.
See, Jackie, I mean,
I never knew how
you felt about me.
I mean, I'm very
flattered, but...
right now I'm kind
of tied up with Phyllis.
Do you mean Felix
made up everything?
Why?
Well, he was so excited
about your career,
and also he's a lunatic and...
Look, honey, I know
you're hurt, and listen,
if Felix and I hadn't tried
to take you out of your shell,
you would never
have gotten hurt.
I mean, you could have stayed
in your safe little
cubicle down there,
and none of this
would have happened.
That's right.
Yeah, but, hey, Jackie,
it could get very
lonely in that cubicle.
Sometimes you got to take
a chance on getting hurt.
I mean, you got to if you
want to have a little fun.
Jackie, you got
such a great gift.
You got to share it.
I can't do it without you.
That's a cop-out, Jackie.
It is a cop-out.
I mean, y-you're looking
for somebody to
give you confidence.
I can't do that, nobody can.
You got to find it yourself.
I can't. Sure you can.
No. Who are you
going to be hurting
if you don't do the opera?
You know, you're not
going to be hurting me,
you're going to be hurting you!
Felix is the one who's
got two months to live.
I can't hold the
curtain any longer.
I may have to call
off the performance.
Okay.
What do you mean, "Okay"?!
I don't want to call
off the performance.
I want to give a performance.
But you can't do
Carmen without Carmen.
Hey, Felix,
maybe I'll get my
uke and get out there
and I'll do my Hawaiian
bit. You know...
(imitates ukelele playing)
Stop it, stop that!
Where is she?
She didn't show up, huh?
Would I be standing here
with this expression on my face
if she showed up?
I don't know what to do.
We've got a sold-out house.
We've got influential people out
there, my aunt from Cleveland.
Maybe she'll still come.
Think, think, what'll I do?
I know.
I'll do Carmen myself.
I know the part, I can do it.
Felix, you're going
crazy. I know it.
I know it, I'm going crazy.
I can't do Carmen.
Mr. Felscher can do Carmen.
The costume will fit him.
Felscher, put on lipstick.
Here she comes.
Felscher, don't be a nut.
I knew you'd come.
I needed time to
think things over.
You were absolutely right.
There's no reason
why I shouldn't have
confidence in myself.
I bake a good cake.
You sure do.
Let's go! Oscar, get
into your costume.
Don't rush me.
First, we'll go over a
few things with the pianist.
I already did.
Now we'll do it right. Oh.
And we'll use my walk. Okay.
And... one more thing, Skinny.
If ever you go "thump, thump,
thump" in my face again,
I'll give you a fat lip.
(piano playing
"Habanera" from Carmen)
♪ L'amour est un
oiseau rebelle ♪
♪ Que nul ne peut apprivoiser ♪
♪ Et c'est bien en
vain qu'on l'appelle ♪
♪ S'il lui convient de refuser ♪
♪ Rien n'y fait,
menace ou prière ♪
♪ L'un parle bien,
l'autre se tait ♪
♪ Et c'est l'autre
que je préfère ♪
♪ Il n'a rien ♪
♪ Dit mais il me plaît ♪
♪ L'amour... ♪
♪ L'amour ♪
♪ L'amour... ♪
♪ L'amour ♪
♪ L'amour est enfant de Bohème ♪
♪ Il n'a jamais,
jamais connu de loi ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes
pas, je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime,
prends garde à toi ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Je t'aime ♪
♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime... ♪
♪ Prends garde... ♪
♪ À toi... ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Je t'aime ♪
♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime... ♪
♪ Prends garde... ♪
♪ À toi. ♪
(applause)
Ah, Jackie, what can I say?
You saved our performance.
What can I do for you?
You know the best thing
you can do for Jackie?
Nothing!
You know what you can do for me?
Honey, sing a song in
which I understand the words.
(chuckling): Oh, sure.
("People" playing)
♪ People... ♪
♪ People who need people... ♪
♪ They're the luckiest people ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ With one person ♪
♪ One very special person ♪
♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪
♪ Says you were half ♪
♪ Now you're whole ♪
♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪
♪ But first be a person ♪
♪ Who needs people ♪
♪ People ♪
♪ Who need people... ♪
♪ Are the luckiest ♪
♪ People ♪
♪ In... ♪
♪ The... ♪
♪ World. ♪
(applause)
indistinct chatter)
Oh, it was a great
birthday party.
Thanks for everything.
Those typesetters really
know how to throw a wild bash.
You know, one of them
printed a dirty word on my wrist.
Yeah, and they made a
great headline for Oscar.
"Oscar Celebrates
40th Year of Sloppiness."
That's very funny, very funny.
Listen, I got to get
back to my desk.
Oh, thanks for the shirt.
It really is terrific.
You're welcome.
What happened to the
one you wore to work today?
Have it underneath it.
Here it is. Oh, Oscar!
Don't forget, Phyllis,
tomorrow night
we're really gonna
celebrate my birthday, right?
Okay. Bye, bye, honey.
Bye, Phyllis. Bye, Myrna.
I got to take this
down to the copy room.
Good. Let's get back
to work here, huh? Hi.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Jackie.
I made this cake
for your birthday.
I didn't want to
come to the party.
You know I don't like crowds.
You shouldn't have
gone to that trouble.
It's no trouble.
It's my recipe in
the column today,
except for the "Happy
Birthday Oscar."
That I added.
Thank you. Mmm.
I love you. Look,
I know you're shy.
There's nobody around.
Why don't you sing for me?
Please, come on!
(singing with operatic voice):
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
(singing virtuosically): ♪
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
(with high voice): ♪
Which nobody can deny! ♪
Someone's here to see you.
No, it's all right.
Don't go, Jackie...
See you later.
Who is that girl?
That's Jackie Hartman.
She writes the "Dining
Out With Jackie" column.
Listen... What a voice!
Yeah, I know. What's in
the package, my present?
If we had her in my opera
club, we could do Carmen.
Oh, no, no. She won't
sing in public. She's shy.
She tried it once,
and she froze.
She'll never do it again. You
brought me a little present.
Right? What is it? I don't
care if she's shy or not.
She's my Carmen.
Yeah, you're my best friend, so
what happened to the present...?
(mumbling): I don't believe it.
This is kids stuff
here with a stink.
Look at this.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Mr. M., they want to see
you in accounting right away.
They want to see me again?
They want to see you and the
$600 you claimed in lunches.
Yeah? Well, I'm not
worried about them this time,
'cause I got
receipts right here.
Can I help you?
Yeah, you can take the shoe.
FELIX: Come on,
don't be afraid of me.
Tell her to trust me.
She seems to be afraid of me.
Oh, yeah, Felix is harmless.
He just wants to talk to you.
I'll be right back. Come
on, will you, honey?
Don't be embarrassed.
Aw, let's see a
great big smile, huh?
Yeah, don't you feel
better? Sure you do.
Come here.
Miss Hartman, I am the founder
and president of a
local opera group.
Twice a year, we put
on productions for charity.
If you're not doing
anything tonight,
I'd love it if you'd come
meet the group and audition.
Will Mr. Madison be there?
Mr. Madison likes
midget wrestling.
No. I-I wouldn't fit in.
Miss Hartman, unless
I miss my guess,
you were born to be Carmen!
Please come meet the group.
I wouldn't know anybody there.
I have to go.
Yes, you know me,
you know Oscar.
But you said Oscar
doesn't belong.
Well, it's his apartment.
What have you got to lose?
Come on, please.
Do I have to sing?
You don't have to do
anything you don't want to do.
Oscar'll escort you from
work. He'll take you in a cab.
Won't you take Jackie to
the opera meeting tonight?
You want to go?
All right.
I knew you would. Thank you.
8:00 tonight.
So long, Jackie.
Aw. You talked her into it!
I'm surprised.
I've got the kind
of face people trust.
I wish you would take
your trusting face down
to the accounting department.
The guy wouldn't
accept my receipts.
He says I owe him $600. Hmm.
Listen, will you lend it
to me? I didn't hear you.
Happy Birthday! Big surprise.
Is it something I
could hock? (laughs)
I was gonna get
you some coasters,
and then this thing
caught my eye.
What is this, a
toothbrush for Moby Dick?
It's a lint brush.
Don't you love it?
(cackles)
You see, you take
the lint off like this,
and then to clean it, you
just turn the head around.
You mean like this?
We'll dispense with the singing
of the minutes of
the last meeting
so that I can make
an announcement,
which is a biggie!
Today I found someone
who will be the answer
to our musical prayers.
But I thought our
membership was closed.
Mr. Felscher,
if the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir took that attitude,
they'd still be a quartet.
And I want you to
meet Jackie Hartman!
Make her feel at home.
(applause)
Jackie, sit down
anywhere you want.
No, no, no, no,
Jackie, sit here.
And, of course, you all
know Oscar Madison.
(group murmuring) Huh!
FELIX: As you know, every
year we plan to put on Carmen.
Well, I have finally
found someone
who absolutely fills the bill.
So I move that as
our first production,
we put on Bizet's
immortal Carmen.
All those in favor,
signify by singing aye.
GROUP: ♪ Aye. ♪
♪ Abstain. ♪
Opposed? MURRAY:
♪ Point of order! ♪
What is your point of
order, Officer Greshler?
Begging your pardon,
Miss, I don't want to seem
to sound supercritical,
but Felix, don't you think
we ought to hear
the little lady sing
before we entrust her
with such a killer role?
Bravo, bravo! Thank
you. Thank you.
I don't think Miss
Hartman would mind
obliging us with
a little cadenza.
Sure, since she's a
member of the group now.
Come on, come on.
We'd all love to hear you.
What'll you sing?
What do you know?
Let's see what we've got.
You know "Una Voce Poca Fa"?
Of course you do. All right now.
(piano plays)
♪ Una voce poc... ♪
I have to go home now.
What's the matter?
Jackie, where are you going?
I'm sorry.
You know I can't sing
in front of strangers.
Oh, honey, I wouldn't call
these people strangers.
Strange maybe,
but not strangers.
Anyway, I'd like
to hear you sing.
Belt one out for me, will ya?
If you want me to, I'll
give it a try. Good girl.
Come on.
You'll munch quietly
while she's singing.
(piano plays)
♪ Una voce poca fa ♪
♪ Qui nel cor mi risuonò ♪
♪ Il mio cor ferito è già ♪
♪ E lindor fu che il piagò ♪
♪ Sì... lindoro mio sarà ♪
♪ Lo... giurai ♪
♪ La vincerò ♪
♪ Sì, lindoro mio sarà ♪
♪ Lo... ♪ (sotto voce): I'm
gonna make her a big star.
I wonder how she'll thank me.
♪ Giurai ♪ Maybe
she'll give you a lint brush.
♪ Sì, la vincerò. ♪
ALL: Bravo!
WOMAN: Bravo!
(door hinges squeak)
Thank you, Murray.
It's okay, Felix.
Oh!
Will we rehearse again?
What's the use?
The whole thing was a disaster.
(sighs)
How could Jackie
spend the whole rehearsal
in the ladies' room?
Poor girl was scared to death.
People aren't gonna pay
three dollars and 50 cents
to hear Carmen in a bathroom,
even though the acoustics
are very good in there.
She sang so great
here the other night.
I know it, I know. I just...
I can't figure it out.
Felix, try to think
like a detective.
Now, I'm trained in
deductive reasoning.
First we re-create a scene.
Jackie sang here
the other night and
stood right here,
looked at Oscar right there,
and never turned away.
Ergo, we can assume
that she can only
sing into a kitchen.
You know, I
don't think that's it.
But it fits. Hmm.
That's why she
stayed in the bathroom.
She likes porcelain.
Ah. Or maybe she
can only sing to Oscar.
Well, that's another theory.
Maybe I should put
Oscar in the opera.
It might work.
How do I get Oscar in the opera?
I'll appeal to his
artistic sense.
I'll appeal to his sense of
humanity to help Jackie.
I'll appeal to our
years of friendship.
And if that doesn't work,
I'll lend him the $600.
That'll do it.
Now, I got to teach you
your part. What part?
Oh, I thought I was just
here for Jackie to sing to.
Yeah, but you have to
have a reason to be on stage.
You have a part.
You don't have to sing.
You speak two lines.
I'm lending you $600.
That's $300 a line.
See, your part's underlined.
See what it says...
"1820 in Seville."
Oh, you play a Spanish captain.
Hi, Jackie. Hi.
Hi. Jackie came.
She volunteered to
rehearse with you.
Oh, hi, honey. Hi.
Hey, I'm the captain.
Look out. Okay.
Now, captain comes
in, he sees the corporal...
That's me, Don José...
And he-he finds him
talking with Carmen. Right.
So, you go over
there, you come in.
Right. Okay.
What are you doing?
Coming in like you told me.
Is that the way you
come in like a captain?
Is that the way a captain walks?
I don't know how
a captain walks.
Spanish captain
swaggering, braggadocio.
He see the corporal. Aha!
And then he walks in.
He puts his hand on his hip.
Aha. Like that.
Hello, Corporal.
You know, give it
the... Yeah. Come on.
Aha!
Aha!
Now, put your hand on your hip.
Not like that.
You... You look
like a, you know...
That's it. That's it.
And you say, "Well, Corporal!"
Well, Corporal.
I'm the corporal. She's...
You say, "Mademoiselle
Carmencita."
Mademoiselle Carmencita.
And then she answers you.
♪ Tra la la la la la la ♪
♪ Coupe moi, brûle
moi, je ne te dirai rien! ♪
Very nice.
I like your singing.
It's very good.
But when it comes to
acting, we're in my ballpark.
You can trust me, trust my face.
Ah, Carmen is not a
shy, sweet girl like you.
She's an animal.
She's sensual.
She moves.
When she sees something
she wants, she grabs it!
Come on, and... ♪
Tra la la la la la la ♪
♪ Coupe moi, brûle
moi, je ne te dirai... ♪
I have a headache.
I have to get some aspirin.
Huh?
What do you think of our
shy Miss Hartman now?
Wow!
What a kiss!
She broke my pencil.
Any messages for me?
Yeah, an angel food
cake from Jackie.
You want some?
No, I can't, I'm on a
diet... a low-fat diet.
I'm trying to lose
some of this... low fat.
That's terrific.
I don't like chocolate, though.
I know, I told her that.
You know, she's brought
me something every day
for four weeks now since
we went into rehearsal?
Well, you know what they say.
"Nothing spells lovin' like
something from the oven."
What are you talking about?
Well, you've been seeing a
lot of her these last four weeks.
Dinners, rehearsals.
Well, after rehearsal
, we're hungry.
She knows all the good
places to eat, so we go.
What is that?
Well, that's not
what the gossip says.
Do you know the
secretaries have a pool
as to where you'll go
on your honeymoon?
Honeymoon? Mm-hmm.
I stand to make $12 if you
take her to Coney Island.
Think about it.
Is that all you
girls have to do...
Sit around and gossip
and do things like that?
Yeah.
Has Phyllis heard any of these
rumors about Jackie and me?
I don't think so.
I think she's on a
different grapevine.
See, we meet at the
water cooler on this fl...
That's it, I don't want
to hear it, all right?
Jackie just makes me some cake.
That's all there is to it.
We'll see what happens.
Uh-oh.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
Aw... Isn't it time
you went home?
The day's over. Good night.
Good night, Mr. M.
Good night, Phyllis.
Good night.
What's the matter, honey?
Oscar, I was just at the
water cooler on this floor and...
Aw, come on, now, you're not
going to believe that gossip, are you?
I mean, there's nothing to it.
Tomorrow we have the
performance, and it's all over.
Are you sure? Honest.
Would I lie to you, sweetheart?
Come on.
Okay.
How come you're
not rehearsing tonight?
They're having a
technical rehearsal.
See, we're free, honey, come on.
(giggling): Okay.
Mm...
Okay, I guess I trust you.
Thanks.
(Felix chuckling)
What are you doing? Cut it out.
Did you have a
good time tonight?
Oh, Phyllis and I had a ball.
Went to the hockey
game and everything. Oh!
(chuckles)
You'll never guess
who dropped by.
Who?
Jackie.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
She was very upset.
What's the matter?
Well, she caught you
kissing Phyllis in the office.
So?
Well... don't you understand?
Jackie is crazy about you.
Myrna said the same thing.
Now, that's silly.
We're just good
friends. She doesn't think
you're good friends.
She was very hurt.
She was so upset, she didn't
want to sing tomorrow night.
Because of me? Yes.
That's a misunderstanding.
Well, don't worry about it.
I was able to straighten
the whole thing out.
Oh, good. Thanks, buddy.
Little Felix had to
do some fast thinking.
Yeah? What'd you tell her?
(chuckling): Wait till
you hear the genius of it.
I told Jackie you're
going to marry her.
It's good, huh?
You're upset.
Well, I admit I may
have gone too far.
I left you an out.
I also told her that you
only had two months to live.
But I covered everything.
I told her Phyllis
was your nurse.
You know why Phyllis
was kissing you?
She was thanking you
for willing your body
to her medical school.
You see, that
way, I lent credibility
to the whole thing.
Jackie's back in her office now
typing out three
weeks of columns
so she'll have time
off for the honeymoon.
(groans)
Hi, Jackie. Oh, Oscar.
What are you doing
here? How do you feel?
Oh, I feel fine, I'm fine.
Oh, I-I was just doing
some things around here.
I wanted it to be nice
when you came in.
Looks terrific.
Jackie, I'd like to talk
to you for a second.
Sit down, will you, honey?
Felix already told me.
Yeah, that's what I
want to talk to you about.
Jackie, I...
I got some good news
and I got some bad news.
Oh?
The good news is,
I'm not going to die.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What's the bad news?
I'm not going to die.
I don't understand.
Well, Jackie, see,
Felix was so excited
about your success
and the start of a new
career and everything...
We all were, we all are...
And he got a
little carried away.
How far away?
Fantasyland.
See, Jackie, I mean,
I never knew how
you felt about me.
I mean, I'm very
flattered, but...
right now I'm kind
of tied up with Phyllis.
Do you mean Felix
made up everything?
Why?
Well, he was so excited
about your career,
and also he's a lunatic and...
Look, honey, I know
you're hurt, and listen,
if Felix and I hadn't tried
to take you out of your shell,
you would never
have gotten hurt.
I mean, you could have stayed
in your safe little
cubicle down there,
and none of this
would have happened.
That's right.
Yeah, but, hey, Jackie,
it could get very
lonely in that cubicle.
Sometimes you got to take
a chance on getting hurt.
I mean, you got to if you
want to have a little fun.
Jackie, you got
such a great gift.
You got to share it.
I can't do it without you.
That's a cop-out, Jackie.
It is a cop-out.
I mean, y-you're looking
for somebody to
give you confidence.
I can't do that, nobody can.
You got to find it yourself.
I can't. Sure you can.
No. Who are you
going to be hurting
if you don't do the opera?
You know, you're not
going to be hurting me,
you're going to be hurting you!
Felix is the one who's
got two months to live.
I can't hold the
curtain any longer.
I may have to call
off the performance.
Okay.
What do you mean, "Okay"?!
I don't want to call
off the performance.
I want to give a performance.
But you can't do
Carmen without Carmen.
Hey, Felix,
maybe I'll get my
uke and get out there
and I'll do my Hawaiian
bit. You know...
(imitates ukelele playing)
Stop it, stop that!
Where is she?
She didn't show up, huh?
Would I be standing here
with this expression on my face
if she showed up?
I don't know what to do.
We've got a sold-out house.
We've got influential people out
there, my aunt from Cleveland.
Maybe she'll still come.
Think, think, what'll I do?
I know.
I'll do Carmen myself.
I know the part, I can do it.
Felix, you're going
crazy. I know it.
I know it, I'm going crazy.
I can't do Carmen.
Mr. Felscher can do Carmen.
The costume will fit him.
Felscher, put on lipstick.
Here she comes.
Felscher, don't be a nut.
I knew you'd come.
I needed time to
think things over.
You were absolutely right.
There's no reason
why I shouldn't have
confidence in myself.
I bake a good cake.
You sure do.
Let's go! Oscar, get
into your costume.
Don't rush me.
First, we'll go over a
few things with the pianist.
I already did.
Now we'll do it right. Oh.
And we'll use my walk. Okay.
And... one more thing, Skinny.
If ever you go "thump, thump,
thump" in my face again,
I'll give you a fat lip.
(piano playing
"Habanera" from Carmen)
♪ L'amour est un
oiseau rebelle ♪
♪ Que nul ne peut apprivoiser ♪
♪ Et c'est bien en
vain qu'on l'appelle ♪
♪ S'il lui convient de refuser ♪
♪ Rien n'y fait,
menace ou prière ♪
♪ L'un parle bien,
l'autre se tait ♪
♪ Et c'est l'autre
que je préfère ♪
♪ Il n'a rien ♪
♪ Dit mais il me plaît ♪
♪ L'amour... ♪
♪ L'amour ♪
♪ L'amour... ♪
♪ L'amour ♪
♪ L'amour est enfant de Bohème ♪
♪ Il n'a jamais,
jamais connu de loi ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes
pas, je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime,
prends garde à toi ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Je t'aime ♪
♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime... ♪
♪ Prends garde... ♪
♪ À toi... ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Si tu ne m'aimes pas ♪
♪ Je t'aime ♪
♪ Mais si je t'aime ♪
♪ Si je t'aime... ♪
♪ Prends garde... ♪
♪ À toi. ♪
(applause)
Ah, Jackie, what can I say?
You saved our performance.
What can I do for you?
You know the best thing
you can do for Jackie?
Nothing!
You know what you can do for me?
Honey, sing a song in
which I understand the words.
(chuckling): Oh, sure.
("People" playing)
♪ People... ♪
♪ People who need people... ♪
♪ They're the luckiest people ♪
♪ In the world ♪
♪ With one person ♪
♪ One very special person ♪
♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪
♪ Says you were half ♪
♪ Now you're whole ♪
♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪
♪ But first be a person ♪
♪ Who needs people ♪
♪ People ♪
♪ Who need people... ♪
♪ Are the luckiest ♪
♪ People ♪
♪ In... ♪
♪ The... ♪
♪ World. ♪
(applause)