The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Flying Felix - full transcript
Oscar works with Felix to get over his fear of flying and travels with him on an eccentric airline.
(door buzzer)
Come in.
Hi, Mr. M.
Hi, Myrna.
So, Mr. Unger's gone, huh? Yeah.
I took him to the airport
about an hour ago.
Gee, you redecorated
the whole place
in just an hour.
Half hour.
I took a nap first.
Can we go to work? Hmm?
So, Mr. Unger's on
his way to Houston?
Yeah. I thought he hated flying.
He does, but this
is a big account...
Buckaroo Barbecue
sauce, he had to go.
Oh, yeah.
I know their jingle.
That's when the Sons of
the Tumbling Tumbleweed
come out and sing:
♪ When I barbecue,
barbecue, barbecue ♪
♪ I use Buckaroo,
Buckaroo, Buckaroo ♪
♪ If it's good enough
for me, yippee, yippee ♪
♪ Then it's good
enough for you ♪
♪ Yippee yi, yippee
you, yippee yes. ♪
Yahoo!
Yeah, well, they're trying
to change their image.
They want to go for
something less sophisticated.
And Mr. Unger's
gonna do this job?
Yeah. I'm very proud of him.
You really like him
when he's gone, huh?
Yeah. He was terrific today.
He was petrified
to get on that plane.
It took two stewardesses and me
to bend his knees,
so he could sit down.
He was really terrific!
Let's get to work.
Oh, I'm home safe!
What happened?
Don't ask!
(sighs)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh. Why aren't you in Houston?
Oh, I need a sedative.
What happened?
First, we ran into a
tropical storm over Trenton.
The plane was
pitching up and down.
I was screaming.
The lights went out.
I threw up my Dramamine.
We had to turn back
and come to New York.
I swore if I ever got
off that plane alive,
I'd never fly again
and I never will.
Oh, look at my
beautiful kitchen.
Mwuah! Mwuah!
Felix, what about
that great account?
You're supposed to be in Houston
tomorrow, don't you remember?
Let somebody else
photograph 10,000 ribs.
Beautiful fireplace. No, no.
You just psyched
yourself out about flying.
Tomorrow, you'll feel better,
you'll get on a plane
in the morning, okay?
I would risk my
life for my country.
I would risk my
life for my children,
but I will not risk my life for
Buckaroo Barbecue sauce.
Oh, look at my beautiful room!
Mmm!
He kissed his doorknob.
Where was I?
I said where was I?
(clicking tongue) What's
that? What's the matter?
You got something
in your teeth, what?
He needs your help.
You gotta get him on a plane.
How? You just saw him.
Myrna, this morning 119
people got on a plane to Houston.
Right now, 118 of 'em are
there having a good time.
One is in his room
kissing his luggage.
I mean, he's afraid.
He's a scaredy-cat.
There's no way!
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
If you were a real friend,
you'd do something about it.
Mr. Unger would.
Remember that
time you were so sick
and you couldn't
write your column?
Mr. Unger took his own money
and hired a ghostwriter for you.
Yeah, he was
good. I got a raise.
See? He's a real friend.
I'm as good a friend as he is.
Talk is cheap, Mr. M.
Yeah?
All right.
Call the airport and
make a reservation.
I'll get him on the
plane in the morning.
FELIX: ♪ There's
no place like home ♪
♪ There's no
place like home... ♪
That's a good sign.
If he's singing,
he's not kissing.
This is so silly. No.
Fear of flying is silly.
What is this?
This is a plane.
It's my living room.
I'm gonna show
you flying in a plane
is like sitting in your
own living room. Good.
Book me on a two-bedroom
brownstone to Houston. Oh, please.
Pretend it's a plane.
You'll have fun. Look,
how I let him talk me into
silly... Trust me, will you?
Don't sit near the window. Why?
You'll get dizzy.
You're right, you're right.
(sighing) Get in the mood.
I'm in the mood. You
just got on the plane.
It's gonna be terrific!
It's hilarious. Look!
What?
That's a slow-talking secretary.
Ask her how safe air travel is.
Go ahead. Miss...
how safe is air travel?
Oh, air travel is the
safest travel known to man.
Safer than cars, buses or feet.
Is it safer than staying home?
In fact, more accidents
take place in the home
than in airplanes.
More pilots slip in their
bathtubs than in their cockpits.
See?
Okay, now, everybody,
fasten your seat belts,
put your chairs in
an upright position,
My chair is in an upright...
and shortly after take off,
your captain will
be talking to you.
(laughing): This is...
See, you're laughing,
you're having fun.
'Cause it's so silly. What?
Hey, we're takin' off.
Here we go.
You're a fun guy, you
know that? Uh-huh.
MURRAY: Good afternoon.
This is your captain,
speaking to you
from the cockpit,
and it's a lot safer here
than my own bathtub.
That's Murray.
There are pilots named Murray.
We have just had
a perfect take off.
And the weather will be just
fine from here to Houston.
The flight pattern we're using
is the safest one there is.
Santa Claus uses it.
Well, have a merry flight!
Another stewardess?
Passenger. Oh. Howdy,
is this seat occupado?
No.
There's nobody
cute in first class.
Talk to her.
She likes you. Go ahead.
Hello.
Howdy, again.
Will you enjoy it.
Talk to her. Go ahead.
Do you live in Houston?
Shoot, yeah!
How long you gonna be there?
Two weeks.
Sure enough.
Think you'll have any free
time while you're there?
Uh? Uh... (mumbling)
I, I guess so. I'll try.
Well, in case you
do, here's my number.
You be sure and
call me now, hear?
Check you later.
Boy, you got one smooth
line, you know that?
Oh, come on.
Must be the altitude.
This is ridiculous.
It could happen. Oh, of
course it happens every day.
Well, it's not gonna
happen sitting at home.
It just did. Oh, you...
Who is she?
A friend of Myrna's,
she's married.
Aw. Well...
See, but you had
a good time. Yeah.
You laughed and
everything. This is ridiculous.
'Cause you're making
jokes, it's fun. But...
But this isn't
like really flying.
Sure, you meet
strangers. It'll be fun.
It'd be fun if you'd
go along with me
and make jokes all the
way. You'll find somebody...
Would you do that?
Would I do what?
Go with me. Make
jokes all the way.
Come with me to
Houston. No, I can't.
See, I got to cover
a football game
at Shea Stadium
tomorrow. I can't do it. Aw.
Don't they play
football in Houston?
Do they have a team? Yeah,
but the paper's sending
somebody else though.
You could go. You trade.
No, no, no, no. You trade.
You trade with that guy.
No, no, no. Whoa! Whoa!
See, San Diego is playing
Houston for last place.
I don't wanna watch that.
The Jets are playing
Miami for the lead.
See, I want to see... Yeah,
but it would be
better in Houston,
because you're so talented,
you'd write up the game, No.
You'd make them
a big team. No...
You got to go.
You're gonna do it!
You're a wonderful guy!
Murray, married
lady, Myrna, come in.
He's gonna go to
Houston with me.
He's gonna make
jokes all the way.
(all cheering)
You're a dream.
We knew you'd do it.
Where you going?
To my bathtub,
see if I can get hurt.
Where's Felix?
He went to the men's room again.
Again? I've had days like that.
Oh.
You all right? I'm exhausted.
Passengers for flight 62 to
Houston now boarding, gate 12.
That's us. I have to go
to the men's room again.
No. It's closed, it's closed.
Please, please. No!
Then let me get more insurance.
Please. Oh, go ahead.
Did he take out insurance?
Yes, Mr. Unger.
Then, I want to take
out some more, please.
Well, you already have
the maximum. I know,
but is, isn't there some way
I could get a little
bit more, please?
Well, you'd just be
wasting your money.
You see the company will
only cover each passenger
up to a certain amount
and you already have it.
You're afraid to sell me more
because then you might
have to pay off, is that it?
No, Mr. Unger, it is the law.
I told you it was
the law an hour ago.
I told you it was the
law half an hour ago,
and I told you it was
the law 15 minutes ago
and if you ask me one more time,
I'm gonna let you have
it right in the chops!
Is it against your law
for someone else
to buy insurance
and name the same beneficiary?
No.
Thank you.
Oscar. What?
Would you do me a favor, please?
Would you take out a policy
and name my ex-wife, Gloria, as
your beneficiary. We don't have time.
Let's get on the plane.
Please, please, come on, for me.
Give me some insurance
fast, please. How much?
Shoot the works.
Passenger's name?
Oscar Madison. Beneficiary?
Gloria Unger. Wait a minute.
How's this gonna look to my
ex-wife? How's what gonna look?
Gloria getting my
insurance money.
Why should she get any
money? No, I meant just...
I know what you meant,
when the plane crashes.
No, I didn't. No, no.
Sign, I'm gonna sign. I got
to get more. I got to get...
Sir, sir, are you
going to Houston?
Would you like to help provide
for the future of a
wonderful woman
and two great kids? Felix!
(overlapping chatter)
So long.
Bye, Felix. Good-bye.
Remember, whatever
goes up must come down.
Murray!
It's all right, Oscar.
I know what Murray meant
and I've got myself
quite together.
Good-bye, friends.
Thanks an awful
lot for helping me.
I don't think,
without your support,
I would ever have had the
courage to get on the plane.
So if anything goes wrong,
let it be on your head,
because I didn't want to get on.
I'd made up my mind.
I said I was never
going to fly again.
I said I was never going
to fly and I meant it...
Thank you, Murray.
I needed that.
Excuse us, please.
Excuse us.
What's your hurry, skinny?
I'll sit near the window.
(hiccuping) Remember
what I told you.
All right, stop
with the hiccups.
Come on, sit down. Sit in here.
Sit. Oh, don't be nervous.
Try to pull yourself together.
Do you see anybody
else being nervous?
(hiccuping)
Another one of
your arrangements?
No, I told you it could
happen in real life.
Go get her, Tiger. Go ahead.
Hello.
Hello.
You live in Houston?
Yes, I do. Oh.
That's where I'm going.
I'll be there two weeks.
Have fun.
I hope to.
I'll, I'll have a
lot of free time.
I won't.
They tell me... Excuse me, Miss.
Oh, yes?
Could I change my seat?
Oh. Of course.
Boy, you've got one
rotten line, you know that?
Wow... WOMAN: Good morning.
I'm your hostess.
My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.
Miss, can I have a
glass of water, please?
Uh, just a moment, sir.
Good morning.
My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.
Welcome aboard
Flight 62 to Houston.
We will be flying at an
altitude of 32,000 feet,
arriving in Houston at
10:30 Central Standard Time.
This is a pressurized cabin.
If at any time, we
should lose our pressure,
an oxygen mask will
drop down in front of you.
May I try that, please?
Oh, sir, this is only
a demonstration...
I know, I want
to practice with it.
Sir, that won't be necessary.
Just hold it over your
mouth and breathe normally.
Yes, but I can't
breathe normally.
I have a sinus condition.
Sir, as long as you
have a nose and a mouth,
it'll work for you, too.
Sarcasm.
That certainly
inspires confidence.
You inspire sarcasm.
In case of emergency,
we have emergency exits
located in the
front of the cabin;
we have two located
over each wing
and three at the
rear of the air... Miss?
Yes, the man with the sinuses.
Why... why do you
have emergency exits?
Obviously not to bail out...
They didn't give us parachutes.
Believe me, sir,
they have a purpose.
I know they have a
purpose. It's an emergency.
I just wondered what kind of
emergency you're thinking about.
Well, in case the plane is
forced down and catches fire.
Oh, my God!
No, no, that has never
happened on any...
Yes, but you notice they do have
an emergency exit everywhere.
Would you rather they didn't?
FELIX: Oh... Oh, I feel faint.
Oh... We're still on the ground.
Why?
Why are we still on the ground?
Because that's
where we start from.
Then we go up in the air,
when we get to Houston,
we go on the ground again.
Just the way the Wright
Brothers planned it.
More sarcasm,
huh? Felix, will you...
MAN (over P.A.): This is the
captain speaking. Ah, shh, shh.
That's the captain. He's
speaking to me. Yes?
I'm sorry, but we'll be
delayed on the ground
for an indefinite period.
Thank you. Why?! Why?! Why?!
He can't hear you, Felix.
What channel is he on?
I'm getting Victor Borge.
Get off. What? What? Felix...
Where's the emergency exit?
Where...?
Oscar, look at that.
What?
Look at the size of that woman.
So what?
If she got stuck in
the emergency door,
we'd all be dead.
Felix, if she gets
stuck in the door,
I'll push her through
for you, I promise.
Please, will you...
Look at that. What is it?
Those men on the
ground, under the wing...
What are they doing?
They're mechanics.
No, no, something's wrong.
They're pointing up at the wing.
They look so worried.
I can read his lips.
"I... much... fear...
serious trouble
in the fuselage, Frederick."
Help me. What's
the other guy saying?
"I... much... fear...
there's some nut
trying to read your lips."
What's the matter with
you? They're running away.
They're running away. I
know... Because they're finished.
No, 'cause they're
afraid. I'm getting...
Felix... I'm coming,
Fred, I'm coming.
Get out of my way.
Get out of my way.
Oscar, I'm trapped
at the fat woman.
Let me by!
CAPTAIN: I'm sorry, sir,
you're not allowed in here.
Felix, that's the cockpit!
FELIX: There's an enormous
woman blocking the aisle.
I've got to get out.
CAPTAIN: Now, just relax, sir.
FELIX: I'm gonna get your name.
Oscar. Oscar! What, Felix, wh...
Get the captain's name!
Will you come here?
Ah, let him go.
A jerk like that should
be riding on the bus.
Oh!
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Flight 302 from Dallas
arriving Gate 22.
Sir, can I get my
luggage off that plane?
Now? Yeah, yeah.
No, never mind.
Oscar will take care
of it at the other end.
Oh. Oscar.
Are you gonna help
me get my luggage off?
I'm not gonna argue with you.
I want you to get back on
that plane. I'm sorry, Oscar...
Felix, do you realize
the trouble I went through
to get you on that flight for
your own good. I just can't do it.
I'm sorry, Oscar! All right!
I got a game to cover,
I got a plane to catch.
When I bring your luggage back
to you, don't bother to unpack.
Hold it, where are you going?
Houston. My plane's right there.
Well, not anymore.
They just got the
go-ahead to taxi out.
Well, bring it back.
I can't. They're in
the lineup for takeoff.
What time is the next one?
This afternoon.
Oh, that's no good.
Any other airline
got a flight going?
Not this morning.
But I have to be at
the Astrodome by 1:00.
Well, then you shouldn't
have gotten off the plane.
Thanks a lot.
If you took all the times
that you screwed up my life
and you piled them
one on top of the other...
it would not equal what
you did to me today.
It's not that bad, is it?
Yes, it is.
Tomorrow, my readers
will turn to the sports page,
look at my column, see what I
have about the Houston game.
You know what will be there?
Nothing. Not a word.
Then I'll get my paycheck.
You know what'll be on that?
Nothing. Not a word.
Probably get fired.
You know whose fault it is?
Would it help if I
said I was sorry?
No, it wouldn't help.
Why would that help?
I feel like such a fool.
Bad enough throwing
away my own job,
but I had no right
to imperil yours.
I guess I just went too far.
Oh, now you see it, huh? Good.
Oscar, you've done everything
one friend could do for another.
I'm not gonna let you down.
I'm going to get on that plane
this afternoon to Houston.
Aren't you proud of me?
Oh, I'm thrilled.
You'll be at the
barbecue party, right?
I'll be at the
unemployment line.
Look how nice
everything worked out.
No, no, you'll be covering
that game in Houston.
Did you hear what the guy said?
Nothing on earth, or
in the sky, will stop me.
Sir, where can I
charter a plane?
Over in the Terminal Annex.
Thank you. In the
Terminal Annex.
Excuse me, is
this Belkin Airlines?
Um, are you with the
Better Business Bureau?
No.
Oh, uh, well then, I'm Belkin.
Uh, what can I do for you?
I understand you have a
charter flight to Houston?
Uh, yes, we do.
What time does it reach Houston?
Uh, well, it should get
there around, uh, noon.
Oh, that's perfect.
It's very important
we get on that flight.
Do you have room?
Well, are you guys
with the group?
What? Yes.
Yeah. Yeah, we're
with the group.
Wait, wait, will you
wait a minute please.
Look, Belkin Airlines?
I never heard of you.
How long have you
been in business?
Oh, my daddy
started the company.
He used to fly mail
with Charles Lindbergh?
Oh, boy, he must
have been some pilot.
He still is. He'll be
flying you to Houston.
Felix...
That just proves
he's experienced.
No, it proves he's old.
That's all. It proves he's old.
Now, what kind
of a plane is this?
Oh, it's a modified 727.
What do you mean, modified?
It was just painted.
Isn't that nice?
No, it's not nice.
You can hardly tell
where the old wing starts
and the new wing begins.
Excuse us a moment.
Oh, absolutely, yes.
Where'd you get
all this nerve...
All of a sudden
you're Steve Canyon.
I told you, I simply
refuse to submit to fear.
And I suggest that you
stop this whimpering
and do the same thing.
Two tickets to Houston, please.
One. One?
No point in my
taking any chances.
I don't have to be in
Houston until tonight.
I'll take a real plane.
Excuse us for one
moment, will you please?
Felix, you get on
that plane with me
or I'll break every
bone in your body.
Two.
At least let me get some
insurance. Go ahead.
So long, son.
Good luck, Pop.
Thank you, son.
Oscar. Yeah?
Thank you.
For what? For getting
me on the plane.
But for you, I'd
never have done it.
It's great, isn't it? A
smooth flight. It's fun. Yeah.
Go figure... Belkin's Airline.
Great lunch, too... Nice
submarine sandwich.
How soon do we get to Houston?
Any minute now, I guess.
If I ask you something,
you promise you
won't get mad? What?
Can I go to the bathroom again?
Be my guest.
POP (over P.A.): This
is Captain Pop Belkin.
We're approaching Houston.
All right, gang, this is it.
Everybody back to the
jumpin' area and hook up.
Where's your parachute, buddy?
What parachute?
What's the matter?
Is something wrong?
Some trouble?
No, no trouble. This is Houston.
Aren't you gettin' off?
Yeah, when are we gonna land?
Land?
Buddy, this is the
American Parachute Club.
We're jumpin' out.
Jumpin' out?
But the plane's gotta
land somewhere.
Not until San Diego.
That's when I'm getting off.
What are you, one
of them sissy boys?
That's the trouble
with the country today.
Everything gone soft.
There's a parachute
right under that seat.
Get into it and
hit the silk, fella.
I'm not hitting the silk.
I'm not jumping off.
I'm not getting
out of this plane.
If Patton was alive,
he'd slap your face.
Probably wasn't
even in the service.
Yes, I was.
MAN: Geronimo!
Oscar? Hmm?
Wasn't this plane
full of people?
Yes, it was.
Where'd they all go?
They left.
Where'd they go?
They jumped out.
What are you talk...
What's wrong? What happened?
Felix, this was
a parachute club.
They weren't gonna
land in Houston.
They jumped off at Houston.
We're the only sissy
boys that stayed on.
Well, where do we land?
San Diego.
You can sit there calmly
and say San Diego?
Houston is playing
San Diego, remember?
I'll watch the
game on television,
I'll cover it that way.
Hey, that's right. Yeah.
And I can catch a
plane back to Houston
in time for my barbecue tonight.
You sure you won't
mind flying alone?
Oh, no, not at all.
I'm completely over
my fear of flying.
This is Pop Belkin speaking.
As long as there's just
the two of you boys left,
I thought I'd show
you some of the stunts
that made me famous
in my barnstorming days.
I hope they bring
back some memories.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm going with you.
Flight 83 now
arriving from Houston.
Gee, I hope Mr. Unger
had a good flight.
Hey, how did he do on his job?
He called me and
told me it went great.
Ah, here he comes.
OSCAR: Oh, there
he is. Hey, gang.
How are you? Good to see you.
You ruined the whole flight.
How was the flight?
Not bad.
Come in.
Hi, Mr. M.
Hi, Myrna.
So, Mr. Unger's gone, huh? Yeah.
I took him to the airport
about an hour ago.
Gee, you redecorated
the whole place
in just an hour.
Half hour.
I took a nap first.
Can we go to work? Hmm?
So, Mr. Unger's on
his way to Houston?
Yeah. I thought he hated flying.
He does, but this
is a big account...
Buckaroo Barbecue
sauce, he had to go.
Oh, yeah.
I know their jingle.
That's when the Sons of
the Tumbling Tumbleweed
come out and sing:
♪ When I barbecue,
barbecue, barbecue ♪
♪ I use Buckaroo,
Buckaroo, Buckaroo ♪
♪ If it's good enough
for me, yippee, yippee ♪
♪ Then it's good
enough for you ♪
♪ Yippee yi, yippee
you, yippee yes. ♪
Yahoo!
Yeah, well, they're trying
to change their image.
They want to go for
something less sophisticated.
And Mr. Unger's
gonna do this job?
Yeah. I'm very proud of him.
You really like him
when he's gone, huh?
Yeah. He was terrific today.
He was petrified
to get on that plane.
It took two stewardesses and me
to bend his knees,
so he could sit down.
He was really terrific!
Let's get to work.
Oh, I'm home safe!
What happened?
Don't ask!
(sighs)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh. Why aren't you in Houston?
Oh, I need a sedative.
What happened?
First, we ran into a
tropical storm over Trenton.
The plane was
pitching up and down.
I was screaming.
The lights went out.
I threw up my Dramamine.
We had to turn back
and come to New York.
I swore if I ever got
off that plane alive,
I'd never fly again
and I never will.
Oh, look at my
beautiful kitchen.
Mwuah! Mwuah!
Felix, what about
that great account?
You're supposed to be in Houston
tomorrow, don't you remember?
Let somebody else
photograph 10,000 ribs.
Beautiful fireplace. No, no.
You just psyched
yourself out about flying.
Tomorrow, you'll feel better,
you'll get on a plane
in the morning, okay?
I would risk my
life for my country.
I would risk my
life for my children,
but I will not risk my life for
Buckaroo Barbecue sauce.
Oh, look at my beautiful room!
Mmm!
He kissed his doorknob.
Where was I?
I said where was I?
(clicking tongue) What's
that? What's the matter?
You got something
in your teeth, what?
He needs your help.
You gotta get him on a plane.
How? You just saw him.
Myrna, this morning 119
people got on a plane to Houston.
Right now, 118 of 'em are
there having a good time.
One is in his room
kissing his luggage.
I mean, he's afraid.
He's a scaredy-cat.
There's no way!
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
If you were a real friend,
you'd do something about it.
Mr. Unger would.
Remember that
time you were so sick
and you couldn't
write your column?
Mr. Unger took his own money
and hired a ghostwriter for you.
Yeah, he was
good. I got a raise.
See? He's a real friend.
I'm as good a friend as he is.
Talk is cheap, Mr. M.
Yeah?
All right.
Call the airport and
make a reservation.
I'll get him on the
plane in the morning.
FELIX: ♪ There's
no place like home ♪
♪ There's no
place like home... ♪
That's a good sign.
If he's singing,
he's not kissing.
This is so silly. No.
Fear of flying is silly.
What is this?
This is a plane.
It's my living room.
I'm gonna show
you flying in a plane
is like sitting in your
own living room. Good.
Book me on a two-bedroom
brownstone to Houston. Oh, please.
Pretend it's a plane.
You'll have fun. Look,
how I let him talk me into
silly... Trust me, will you?
Don't sit near the window. Why?
You'll get dizzy.
You're right, you're right.
(sighing) Get in the mood.
I'm in the mood. You
just got on the plane.
It's gonna be terrific!
It's hilarious. Look!
What?
That's a slow-talking secretary.
Ask her how safe air travel is.
Go ahead. Miss...
how safe is air travel?
Oh, air travel is the
safest travel known to man.
Safer than cars, buses or feet.
Is it safer than staying home?
In fact, more accidents
take place in the home
than in airplanes.
More pilots slip in their
bathtubs than in their cockpits.
See?
Okay, now, everybody,
fasten your seat belts,
put your chairs in
an upright position,
My chair is in an upright...
and shortly after take off,
your captain will
be talking to you.
(laughing): This is...
See, you're laughing,
you're having fun.
'Cause it's so silly. What?
Hey, we're takin' off.
Here we go.
You're a fun guy, you
know that? Uh-huh.
MURRAY: Good afternoon.
This is your captain,
speaking to you
from the cockpit,
and it's a lot safer here
than my own bathtub.
That's Murray.
There are pilots named Murray.
We have just had
a perfect take off.
And the weather will be just
fine from here to Houston.
The flight pattern we're using
is the safest one there is.
Santa Claus uses it.
Well, have a merry flight!
Another stewardess?
Passenger. Oh. Howdy,
is this seat occupado?
No.
There's nobody
cute in first class.
Talk to her.
She likes you. Go ahead.
Hello.
Howdy, again.
Will you enjoy it.
Talk to her. Go ahead.
Do you live in Houston?
Shoot, yeah!
How long you gonna be there?
Two weeks.
Sure enough.
Think you'll have any free
time while you're there?
Uh? Uh... (mumbling)
I, I guess so. I'll try.
Well, in case you
do, here's my number.
You be sure and
call me now, hear?
Check you later.
Boy, you got one smooth
line, you know that?
Oh, come on.
Must be the altitude.
This is ridiculous.
It could happen. Oh, of
course it happens every day.
Well, it's not gonna
happen sitting at home.
It just did. Oh, you...
Who is she?
A friend of Myrna's,
she's married.
Aw. Well...
See, but you had
a good time. Yeah.
You laughed and
everything. This is ridiculous.
'Cause you're making
jokes, it's fun. But...
But this isn't
like really flying.
Sure, you meet
strangers. It'll be fun.
It'd be fun if you'd
go along with me
and make jokes all the
way. You'll find somebody...
Would you do that?
Would I do what?
Go with me. Make
jokes all the way.
Come with me to
Houston. No, I can't.
See, I got to cover
a football game
at Shea Stadium
tomorrow. I can't do it. Aw.
Don't they play
football in Houston?
Do they have a team? Yeah,
but the paper's sending
somebody else though.
You could go. You trade.
No, no, no, no. You trade.
You trade with that guy.
No, no, no. Whoa! Whoa!
See, San Diego is playing
Houston for last place.
I don't wanna watch that.
The Jets are playing
Miami for the lead.
See, I want to see... Yeah,
but it would be
better in Houston,
because you're so talented,
you'd write up the game, No.
You'd make them
a big team. No...
You got to go.
You're gonna do it!
You're a wonderful guy!
Murray, married
lady, Myrna, come in.
He's gonna go to
Houston with me.
He's gonna make
jokes all the way.
(all cheering)
You're a dream.
We knew you'd do it.
Where you going?
To my bathtub,
see if I can get hurt.
Where's Felix?
He went to the men's room again.
Again? I've had days like that.
Oh.
You all right? I'm exhausted.
Passengers for flight 62 to
Houston now boarding, gate 12.
That's us. I have to go
to the men's room again.
No. It's closed, it's closed.
Please, please. No!
Then let me get more insurance.
Please. Oh, go ahead.
Did he take out insurance?
Yes, Mr. Unger.
Then, I want to take
out some more, please.
Well, you already have
the maximum. I know,
but is, isn't there some way
I could get a little
bit more, please?
Well, you'd just be
wasting your money.
You see the company will
only cover each passenger
up to a certain amount
and you already have it.
You're afraid to sell me more
because then you might
have to pay off, is that it?
No, Mr. Unger, it is the law.
I told you it was
the law an hour ago.
I told you it was the
law half an hour ago,
and I told you it was
the law 15 minutes ago
and if you ask me one more time,
I'm gonna let you have
it right in the chops!
Is it against your law
for someone else
to buy insurance
and name the same beneficiary?
No.
Thank you.
Oscar. What?
Would you do me a favor, please?
Would you take out a policy
and name my ex-wife, Gloria, as
your beneficiary. We don't have time.
Let's get on the plane.
Please, please, come on, for me.
Give me some insurance
fast, please. How much?
Shoot the works.
Passenger's name?
Oscar Madison. Beneficiary?
Gloria Unger. Wait a minute.
How's this gonna look to my
ex-wife? How's what gonna look?
Gloria getting my
insurance money.
Why should she get any
money? No, I meant just...
I know what you meant,
when the plane crashes.
No, I didn't. No, no.
Sign, I'm gonna sign. I got
to get more. I got to get...
Sir, sir, are you
going to Houston?
Would you like to help provide
for the future of a
wonderful woman
and two great kids? Felix!
(overlapping chatter)
So long.
Bye, Felix. Good-bye.
Remember, whatever
goes up must come down.
Murray!
It's all right, Oscar.
I know what Murray meant
and I've got myself
quite together.
Good-bye, friends.
Thanks an awful
lot for helping me.
I don't think,
without your support,
I would ever have had the
courage to get on the plane.
So if anything goes wrong,
let it be on your head,
because I didn't want to get on.
I'd made up my mind.
I said I was never
going to fly again.
I said I was never going
to fly and I meant it...
Thank you, Murray.
I needed that.
Excuse us, please.
Excuse us.
What's your hurry, skinny?
I'll sit near the window.
(hiccuping) Remember
what I told you.
All right, stop
with the hiccups.
Come on, sit down. Sit in here.
Sit. Oh, don't be nervous.
Try to pull yourself together.
Do you see anybody
else being nervous?
(hiccuping)
Another one of
your arrangements?
No, I told you it could
happen in real life.
Go get her, Tiger. Go ahead.
Hello.
Hello.
You live in Houston?
Yes, I do. Oh.
That's where I'm going.
I'll be there two weeks.
Have fun.
I hope to.
I'll, I'll have a
lot of free time.
I won't.
They tell me... Excuse me, Miss.
Oh, yes?
Could I change my seat?
Oh. Of course.
Boy, you've got one
rotten line, you know that?
Wow... WOMAN: Good morning.
I'm your hostess.
My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.
Miss, can I have a
glass of water, please?
Uh, just a moment, sir.
Good morning.
My name is Barbara Jo Babcock.
Welcome aboard
Flight 62 to Houston.
We will be flying at an
altitude of 32,000 feet,
arriving in Houston at
10:30 Central Standard Time.
This is a pressurized cabin.
If at any time, we
should lose our pressure,
an oxygen mask will
drop down in front of you.
May I try that, please?
Oh, sir, this is only
a demonstration...
I know, I want
to practice with it.
Sir, that won't be necessary.
Just hold it over your
mouth and breathe normally.
Yes, but I can't
breathe normally.
I have a sinus condition.
Sir, as long as you
have a nose and a mouth,
it'll work for you, too.
Sarcasm.
That certainly
inspires confidence.
You inspire sarcasm.
In case of emergency,
we have emergency exits
located in the
front of the cabin;
we have two located
over each wing
and three at the
rear of the air... Miss?
Yes, the man with the sinuses.
Why... why do you
have emergency exits?
Obviously not to bail out...
They didn't give us parachutes.
Believe me, sir,
they have a purpose.
I know they have a
purpose. It's an emergency.
I just wondered what kind of
emergency you're thinking about.
Well, in case the plane is
forced down and catches fire.
Oh, my God!
No, no, that has never
happened on any...
Yes, but you notice they do have
an emergency exit everywhere.
Would you rather they didn't?
FELIX: Oh... Oh, I feel faint.
Oh... We're still on the ground.
Why?
Why are we still on the ground?
Because that's
where we start from.
Then we go up in the air,
when we get to Houston,
we go on the ground again.
Just the way the Wright
Brothers planned it.
More sarcasm,
huh? Felix, will you...
MAN (over P.A.): This is the
captain speaking. Ah, shh, shh.
That's the captain. He's
speaking to me. Yes?
I'm sorry, but we'll be
delayed on the ground
for an indefinite period.
Thank you. Why?! Why?! Why?!
He can't hear you, Felix.
What channel is he on?
I'm getting Victor Borge.
Get off. What? What? Felix...
Where's the emergency exit?
Where...?
Oscar, look at that.
What?
Look at the size of that woman.
So what?
If she got stuck in
the emergency door,
we'd all be dead.
Felix, if she gets
stuck in the door,
I'll push her through
for you, I promise.
Please, will you...
Look at that. What is it?
Those men on the
ground, under the wing...
What are they doing?
They're mechanics.
No, no, something's wrong.
They're pointing up at the wing.
They look so worried.
I can read his lips.
"I... much... fear...
serious trouble
in the fuselage, Frederick."
Help me. What's
the other guy saying?
"I... much... fear...
there's some nut
trying to read your lips."
What's the matter with
you? They're running away.
They're running away. I
know... Because they're finished.
No, 'cause they're
afraid. I'm getting...
Felix... I'm coming,
Fred, I'm coming.
Get out of my way.
Get out of my way.
Oscar, I'm trapped
at the fat woman.
Let me by!
CAPTAIN: I'm sorry, sir,
you're not allowed in here.
Felix, that's the cockpit!
FELIX: There's an enormous
woman blocking the aisle.
I've got to get out.
CAPTAIN: Now, just relax, sir.
FELIX: I'm gonna get your name.
Oscar. Oscar! What, Felix, wh...
Get the captain's name!
Will you come here?
Ah, let him go.
A jerk like that should
be riding on the bus.
Oh!
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Flight 302 from Dallas
arriving Gate 22.
Sir, can I get my
luggage off that plane?
Now? Yeah, yeah.
No, never mind.
Oscar will take care
of it at the other end.
Oh. Oscar.
Are you gonna help
me get my luggage off?
I'm not gonna argue with you.
I want you to get back on
that plane. I'm sorry, Oscar...
Felix, do you realize
the trouble I went through
to get you on that flight for
your own good. I just can't do it.
I'm sorry, Oscar! All right!
I got a game to cover,
I got a plane to catch.
When I bring your luggage back
to you, don't bother to unpack.
Hold it, where are you going?
Houston. My plane's right there.
Well, not anymore.
They just got the
go-ahead to taxi out.
Well, bring it back.
I can't. They're in
the lineup for takeoff.
What time is the next one?
This afternoon.
Oh, that's no good.
Any other airline
got a flight going?
Not this morning.
But I have to be at
the Astrodome by 1:00.
Well, then you shouldn't
have gotten off the plane.
Thanks a lot.
If you took all the times
that you screwed up my life
and you piled them
one on top of the other...
it would not equal what
you did to me today.
It's not that bad, is it?
Yes, it is.
Tomorrow, my readers
will turn to the sports page,
look at my column, see what I
have about the Houston game.
You know what will be there?
Nothing. Not a word.
Then I'll get my paycheck.
You know what'll be on that?
Nothing. Not a word.
Probably get fired.
You know whose fault it is?
Would it help if I
said I was sorry?
No, it wouldn't help.
Why would that help?
I feel like such a fool.
Bad enough throwing
away my own job,
but I had no right
to imperil yours.
I guess I just went too far.
Oh, now you see it, huh? Good.
Oscar, you've done everything
one friend could do for another.
I'm not gonna let you down.
I'm going to get on that plane
this afternoon to Houston.
Aren't you proud of me?
Oh, I'm thrilled.
You'll be at the
barbecue party, right?
I'll be at the
unemployment line.
Look how nice
everything worked out.
No, no, you'll be covering
that game in Houston.
Did you hear what the guy said?
Nothing on earth, or
in the sky, will stop me.
Sir, where can I
charter a plane?
Over in the Terminal Annex.
Thank you. In the
Terminal Annex.
Excuse me, is
this Belkin Airlines?
Um, are you with the
Better Business Bureau?
No.
Oh, uh, well then, I'm Belkin.
Uh, what can I do for you?
I understand you have a
charter flight to Houston?
Uh, yes, we do.
What time does it reach Houston?
Uh, well, it should get
there around, uh, noon.
Oh, that's perfect.
It's very important
we get on that flight.
Do you have room?
Well, are you guys
with the group?
What? Yes.
Yeah. Yeah, we're
with the group.
Wait, wait, will you
wait a minute please.
Look, Belkin Airlines?
I never heard of you.
How long have you
been in business?
Oh, my daddy
started the company.
He used to fly mail
with Charles Lindbergh?
Oh, boy, he must
have been some pilot.
He still is. He'll be
flying you to Houston.
Felix...
That just proves
he's experienced.
No, it proves he's old.
That's all. It proves he's old.
Now, what kind
of a plane is this?
Oh, it's a modified 727.
What do you mean, modified?
It was just painted.
Isn't that nice?
No, it's not nice.
You can hardly tell
where the old wing starts
and the new wing begins.
Excuse us a moment.
Oh, absolutely, yes.
Where'd you get
all this nerve...
All of a sudden
you're Steve Canyon.
I told you, I simply
refuse to submit to fear.
And I suggest that you
stop this whimpering
and do the same thing.
Two tickets to Houston, please.
One. One?
No point in my
taking any chances.
I don't have to be in
Houston until tonight.
I'll take a real plane.
Excuse us for one
moment, will you please?
Felix, you get on
that plane with me
or I'll break every
bone in your body.
Two.
At least let me get some
insurance. Go ahead.
So long, son.
Good luck, Pop.
Thank you, son.
Oscar. Yeah?
Thank you.
For what? For getting
me on the plane.
But for you, I'd
never have done it.
It's great, isn't it? A
smooth flight. It's fun. Yeah.
Go figure... Belkin's Airline.
Great lunch, too... Nice
submarine sandwich.
How soon do we get to Houston?
Any minute now, I guess.
If I ask you something,
you promise you
won't get mad? What?
Can I go to the bathroom again?
Be my guest.
POP (over P.A.): This
is Captain Pop Belkin.
We're approaching Houston.
All right, gang, this is it.
Everybody back to the
jumpin' area and hook up.
Where's your parachute, buddy?
What parachute?
What's the matter?
Is something wrong?
Some trouble?
No, no trouble. This is Houston.
Aren't you gettin' off?
Yeah, when are we gonna land?
Land?
Buddy, this is the
American Parachute Club.
We're jumpin' out.
Jumpin' out?
But the plane's gotta
land somewhere.
Not until San Diego.
That's when I'm getting off.
What are you, one
of them sissy boys?
That's the trouble
with the country today.
Everything gone soft.
There's a parachute
right under that seat.
Get into it and
hit the silk, fella.
I'm not hitting the silk.
I'm not jumping off.
I'm not getting
out of this plane.
If Patton was alive,
he'd slap your face.
Probably wasn't
even in the service.
Yes, I was.
MAN: Geronimo!
Oscar? Hmm?
Wasn't this plane
full of people?
Yes, it was.
Where'd they all go?
They left.
Where'd they go?
They jumped out.
What are you talk...
What's wrong? What happened?
Felix, this was
a parachute club.
They weren't gonna
land in Houston.
They jumped off at Houston.
We're the only sissy
boys that stayed on.
Well, where do we land?
San Diego.
You can sit there calmly
and say San Diego?
Houston is playing
San Diego, remember?
I'll watch the
game on television,
I'll cover it that way.
Hey, that's right. Yeah.
And I can catch a
plane back to Houston
in time for my barbecue tonight.
You sure you won't
mind flying alone?
Oh, no, not at all.
I'm completely over
my fear of flying.
This is Pop Belkin speaking.
As long as there's just
the two of you boys left,
I thought I'd show
you some of the stunts
that made me famous
in my barnstorming days.
I hope they bring
back some memories.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm going with you.
Flight 83 now
arriving from Houston.
Gee, I hope Mr. Unger
had a good flight.
Hey, how did he do on his job?
He called me and
told me it went great.
Ah, here he comes.
OSCAR: Oh, there
he is. Hey, gang.
How are you? Good to see you.
You ruined the whole flight.
How was the flight?
Not bad.