The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 15 - Cleanliness is Next to Impossible - full transcript

There's a wrinkle.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Oscar.

(humming)

It doesn't match, huh?

I remember!

There's my baby!

There she is.

Wait'll you see this one.

(humming)

Aha! How about that?



What do you think?

You're just one of
those lucky guys.

You can wear anything.

What does this say?

"Aloha, Oscar Madison,
New York Herald.

Who are you?" Well,
last time I wore it

was to the sportswriters'
convention in Hawaii.

That was two years ago.

Yeah, well, I only wear
it on special occasions.

I'm taking Phyllis to
the movies tonight.

What's so special
about the movies?

Nothing, it's Phyllis
that's special, remember?

Well, all your
girlfriends are special.

Nina, the crane
operator, was very special.



You told me her specialty.

Well, Phyllis is
special special.

It's getting serious?
Well, you know...

Hey, you are going
out tonight, I hope?

Yeah, Miriam and I are
going to our opera club. Good.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. What?

What are you storing in here?

Oh, a little hat!

Isn't that cute?

What else have you got in here?

Oh, a blower, a noisemaker...

Boy, that must have been
some convention! Wow!

Will you cut it out? Here.

Tell me, which tie goes
better with this outfit here?

You can wear one of my ties.

Oh, thank you. If you
promise not to eat with it.

I won't, I won't. Thanks, Felix.

This is most unusual
for you, isn't it?

What do you mean?

You usually dress in the dark.

You don't care
what tie you wear.

I am a little edgy.
I've got to admit it.

Because of Phyllis? Yeah.

Getting serious, huh?
Huh? Huh? Well, you know...

You big galoot. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah? Wedding bells?

Oh, I don't know about that,
but I kind of like her. Listen.

(giggles) What?

If you decide to
propose tonight... Yeah?

Make sure you speak
up very clear. Why?

'Cause you want to
be heard over this shirt.

Here.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

(Phyllis laughing)

Oh, Oscar... That
was a great movie.

It was wonderful.

Oh, boy. Where's Felix?

Oh, he and Miriam
are at the Opera Club.

Sit, sit, sit.

Felix told me they were
playing Wagner next week.

Yeah, they'll stay up all night
pasting horns on helmets.

(laughs): Oh, no.

You want a beer?

No, thanks, I'm stuffed.

You know that was
a cute restaurant.

Well, they know me there; that's
why they gave me extra pickles.

You got some extra
pickles on your tie.

Yeah, also some extra beer.

I don't have to worry.

It's Felix's tie.

Oh, I had a good time tonight.

Me, too.

We always have a good
time together, don't we?

Sure, you're lots
of fun to be with.

You know, Phyllis...

Now, it's been a long time

since I've been
serious about anyone.

I mean, let's see.

I've been divorced eight years.

Altogether that makes 11 years

I haven't been serious
about someone.

You know what I'm trying to say?

I think I do.

Well, how do you feel?

Oscar, I like you. I
think you're a great guy.

The next word is "but."

But... I don't feel serious.

Some other guy, huh?

No, not at all.

Hey, is it something about me?

Oscar, I'd rather
not talk about it.

No, go ahead. Tell me.
I can take it. What is it?

You're nice.

Yeah. You're funny.

Good. You're intelligent.

That's three, that ain't bad.

Go ahead. You're attractive.

More, more, more,
yeah? You're sloppy!

Yeah?

I know I'm sloppy.

Does that bother you?

I mean, you never
mentioned it before.

Well, you never said anything
about getting serious before.

Well, what's the difference?

It's just that certain things
become more important

if it's more than just dating.

Like what things?

Like tonight at the restaurant,

the way you put mustard on
your pastrami sandwich? How?

Dipping your sandwich
into the jar between bites.

I always do that.

But you laughed.

You thought it was so funny.

Well, yes it was funny, Oscar,

but it's just that...

Oh, I don't know.
If I was serious,

I might not think that
was funny anymore.

Yeah, I see. It's all right.

I'm sorry, Oscar.
No, don't be sorry.

I was in a crazy mood.

Who wants to get serious anyway?

Hey... you want to
take me home now?

No, look, I'm not upset.

I can take things
like that. You sure?

Honestly, sure, I...

think I better take you home.

I mean, we had enough
laughs for one night.

(door opens)

Hi, gang.

Hi, Felix.

Got screams from the doorman.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

Come on!

Oscar?

Ah! Morning.

Good morning.

How was the date?

"How was the date?"

Something wrong?

"Something wrong?"

Uh-oh.

When I came in last night,

there was a definite
feeling of tension in the air.

Was it my fault? Tell
me the truth. No, no.

Did I do something wrong?
The horns, they upset you?

No, it had nothing
to do with the horns.

Something about Phyllis, huh?

Yeah. Aha.

You want to talk about it?

Yeah.

Okay, we won't.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah. You want to talk?

That's not like you. You
never want to talk about it.

Yeah, well, I want
to talk about this.

Okay. Let's talk about it.

Well, Phyllis thinks I'm a slob.

She saw your room?

No, just dinner.

Oh, and your sloppiness
is hurting your relationship.

Yeah, you know she's coming
to dinner this Saturday night.

I'm afraid I'll be uptight.

I'll make mistakes
and everything.

That's why I want
to discuss it with you.

Let this be a lesson to you!

That's it?

That's how you discuss it?

Let that be a lesson to you?

What happened to sympathy?

"I feel sorry for you, Oscar.

I feel bad for you, Oscar.
She's wrong, Oscar."

(doorbell buzzes)
She's right, Oscar.

All right, from now
on, we go back

to "I don't want
to talk about it"!

Good, what's
there to talk about?

You're never gonna
change. Not if you live

to be a million years,
you'll never change!

Yeah, that's where you're
wrong. I am going to change.

Phyllis is a great girl and
I don't want to lose her.

You watch me change.

I'm telling you!

Come on in. From this moment on,

I'm not gonna be a slob anymore!

That's it, I'm going crazy.

I gave up smoking and
now my hearing's gone bad.

I thought I just heard you say

you didn't want to
be a slob anymore.

That's what you
heard and I'm not crazy.

Come on, sit down.

I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Since I stopped smoking,

I've been getting very
nervous and very hungry.

Do you have any more food?

I've got some rolls.

Can I have them?

Oscar, are you serious
about wanting to change?

I am gonna change.

Then take your
sleeve out of the eggs.

You'll see, you'll
love being neat.

It's fun!

We'll vacuum together.

We'll dust together.

I'll teach you to use glass wax.

This will be great.

It'll be just like when I
was a kid with my brother.

They used to call
us Spic and Span.

Felix, look, I'm gonna try.

Now, don't expect miracles.

All right? It's
easy. You'll see.

You'll love it. They
were delicious.

Do you have any more?

Come on.

At work, I'll buy you
some chocolate cigarettes.

Let's go. It's gonna be a
great day for both of us.

You're not gonna smoke today

and I'm not gonna
be a slob anymore.

You'll see, you
can do it if you try.

(groans)

Hi, gang! OSCAR: Hi, Felix.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

What, what, what?! Look at this!

What? This is the
new Oscar Madison?

It was neat, but I had
to look for something.

For what? Survivors?

It looks as though the Red Cross

is gonna come in
and serve doughnuts.

I thought you wanted to change.

I do, but I had to
get some work done;

I couldn't think about

being neat. You have to
think about being neat?

Yeah. It should
come naturally to you.

Myrna?

How did you quit smoking?

I went to the
Smoker's Institute,

but I haven't really quit yet.

I'm still listed as a cheater.

What did they do?

Oh, electric shocks.

They wired us up
and gave us cigarettes.

Then every time we
went to take a puff,

they, they shocked us, like...

So that smoking
became an unpleasant

experience for you, right? Yeah.

That's what we'll
do with you (laughs).

We'll get you...

all wired up like
Clockwork Orange.

Then every time you do
something messy, I'll give you a zzst!

That way,

you'll get cured and
I'll have a lot of fun.

You're a lunatic. Zzst!

It works for the smokers.

They're professional people.

They know what they're doing.

You just put your
finger on it. What?

You need professional help.

Yeah, well, a neat
freak with a cattle prod

going zzst, zzst... That's
not professional help.

It can change your
life, believe me.

You don't want to
lose Phyllis, do you?

No. Leave it to me.

I'll set up an appointment.

You'll see.

(door opens, closes)

It's better than zzst, zzst.

Good morning.

Oh, hello.

Are you here to see Dr. Bates?

He is. I'm Oscar Madison.
I have an appointment.

Right. Just five minutes.

And you?

I'm his friend.

I'm normal.

I'm the lunatic.

He wants to be more like me.

How nice.

Felix, I'm here.

I'm not going to
back out. You can go

to work now. Now...

when you talk to the doctor,

level with him about everything.

Don't hold anything back.

(sotto voce): Try to remember

as much as you
can about... puberty.

That's when the
trouble usually starts.

Mr. Madison? Yes.

I'll be with you in
just one moment.

Uh, Alice, would you mind

getting me another
cup of coffee?

The last one was too sweet.

"Too sweet"?

Oh, but I gave you three
sugars just like you asked.

Well, it was too sweet.

It's always too sweet.

ALICE: Well, if you think so,

why don't you get it
yourself from now on?

Because that's your job.

I already have a job.

I'm a doctor.

See? I have a diploma.

Well, I have a job, too.

I have to type.

Type?

You call that typing?

A monkey could
type better than that.

I'll show you what I
think of your typing.

Really?

Well, I'll show you what
I think of your diploma.

(glass breaking)

You walk funny.

You are bald.

Uh... Mr. Madison,
I'll see you now.

How you doin', Buster Brown?

I wouldn't be down
on all psychologists

just because of one nut.

Why don't you go
see another doctor?

Eh... I just don't have
confidence in 'em.

Oscar, when you fall off
a horse, what do you do?

The first thing you do is
you climb right back on.

I'd rather go to a horse.

Let's face it.

I'm always gonna
be my same self slob.

I can't help it.

Oscar, tell me...

When you were a kid...

did you have an
over-protective mother?

No. Why, did you?

Oh!

I could write a book.

My mother made me wear
a sweater to my wedding.

But enough of that.

Did you have a lot of
friends when you were a kid?

Yeah. I was a
pretty popular kid.

Mm-hmm. What about you?

No.

All the other kids
were jealous of me.

Can't blame them.

I was the cutest...
the smartest...

The other kids hated me.

Just once I was a week
late with my milk money,

and the student court
sentenced me to death.

Oh... that's water
under the bridge.

What are you gonna
do with that pad?

I was trying to help you,

but I can see your
problem is too deep rooted.

You're right, it is.
Goes back a long way.

I mean, Felix, I've been this
way as long as I can remember.

Used to drive my
father crazy. (mutters)

MAN: Oscar?

Oscar, where are you, son?

In here, Pop.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

We have to have a talk, son.

We just had a talk last week.

Well, evidently it didn't help.

You see, your mother and I
put up with all this because...

well, we thought you
would grow out of it.

Grow out of what?

Oscar, you're a messy lad.

Well, that's just my style.

Well, evidently this calls
for drastic measures.

If this room isn't spotlessly
clean by tomorrow,

I'm not gonna place
any more bets for you.

(door opens, closes)

So, you see? There's no hope.

I'm a terminal slob.

I mean, if I can't be
neat for my father,

how am I gonna
be neat for Phyllis?

Don't you see?

Now that you know
what your problem is,

you can deal with it.

You see, early in life,
you established this pattern

of rebelling against your father

by messing up your
room with garbage.

And that's what
you're doing to this day,

only with different garbage.

See, that's where you're wrong.

Most of this is
the same garbage.

He sleeps in there?

Yes.

I'll do it.

Oh!

No charge.

I'll consider it
a public service.

Oh, great. That's wonderful.

Has he ever been
hypnotized before?

I don't know. Is that a problem?

Not really, I'll...
(door opens) Oscar.

Hey! I want you to
meet a client of mine.

Ernie Ferguson, this
is Oscar Madison.

Pleased to meet
you. How do you do?

Great sports fan. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. I read
your column every day.

Yeah? Yeah.

That must be a tough job.

Not if like it.

Yeah? Day after day after day?

And it shows, you know?

It does? Yeah. You look tired.

I do?

Your eyes look very heavy.

Yeah?

Like there's a
great weight on 'em.

Yeah?

Like you can't keep them open.

Yeah?

And your arms and
shoulders are very heavy.

And your legs are very heavy.

Nothing in the world you
want to do more than sleep.

Sleep, Oscar... sleep.

Is he asleep, Ernie?

Like a baby.

Boy! You could make
a fortune with this!

Oscar?

Can you hear me?

You're relaxed.

You're very comfortable.

You'll do whatever I say.

Now, I'll give him a
suggestion, so that you'll be able

to trigger it at just
the right moment.

The right moment
is Saturday night.

Fine.

Oscar, when you hear Felix say,

"The fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves..."

Shakespeare.

Right. You'll no longer
be the old Oscar Madison.

You'll develop refined habits.

You'll have a passion
for cleanliness.

Messiness will repel you.

That's great, great!

How do I bring him out of it?

Easy. Just snap your fingers.

Wonderful! Wonderful!
Right, I'm gonna wake him.

Oscar, at the count
of five, you'll awaken.

You'll remember nothing.

You'll feel very relaxed.

You'll feel very
comfortable, very good.

One... two...
three... four... five...

(snaps fingers)

Yeah, I read your
column every day.

That's terrific.

I like your style.

Thank you.

It's not too simple,
it's not too florid.

I really appreciate
that, thank you.

Oscar? Yeah.

How do you feel? Great. Why?

(laughing)

Oscar...

the fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Oscar, flick your
ashes on the rug.

Are you kidding?

No, go ahead. Do
it for me. A favor.

He can't do it! It works.

(snaps fingers)

Call me when
dinner's ready, will ya?

This is very exciting, Felix.

Do you remember what
you're supposed to say to him?

Yes. Tonight, you're gonna
see a new Oscar Madison.

I can't wait to see if it works.

(muffled grunting)

FELIX: Oscar! Yeah?

Phyllis'll be here soon.

I know, I know.
You don't have to...

Oh, what's the matter, Oscar?

Well, I feel I'm gonna
be uncomfortable.

She's gonna judge
everything I do.

Now, now, don't worry, Oscar.

Tonight, you're
going to be perfect.

OSCAR: Thank
you. (doorbell buzzes)

Oh, boy, there she is. Okay...

FELIX: Just one thing...

Let me straighten your tie.

Remember...

the fault lies not in our stars

but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Right.

Hello, Oscar.

Good evening, Phyllis.

Hi, Felix. Come on in.

Hi.

May I take your coat?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

What a lovely
dress! A little spot.

Thanks.

FELIX: You look beautiful,
Phyllis, just beautiful!

PHYLLIS: Thank you.

Try these hors
d'oeuvres, I think you'll...

Please, not with
your fingers, please.

Mmm! Look what a
slob this man is! Please!

Napkins, please? Napkins! Mmm!

Oh, you forgot the napkins.

Napkins! (snaps fingers)

Oh boy, midget hot dogs.

(chomping and mumbling)

Here, you want
one of these? Felix!

OSCAR: Mmm!

The fault lies not in our
stars but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Thank you.

What happened?

When you told me I
forgot the napkins, I went...

(snaps fingers)

I love these midget hot dogs...

I love 'em! Oscar?

The fault lies not in our
stars, but in ourselves.

Shakespeare.

Why do you keep
quoting Shakespeare?

Well, he's the
greatest, isn't he?

The immortal Bard of Avon.

Yes, but...

Well, shall we put
on the old feed bag?

Come on, chow time, folks!

Please, your language! Please!

Phyllis, you'll sit
there. Miriam here...

Oh, I forgot my manners.
Thank you, Oscar.

You certainly did.
Thank you, Felix.

There we are.

I think you'll like this
wine. Just perfect.

Don't pour from the
right, please, don't pour...

Sorry. We all make mistakes.

And not across me!
And you're spilling some.

Well, to err is human...
to forgive, divine.

Phyllis, I'm dying to know what
you think of my salad dressing.

Mmm-mmm!

Darling... you have a
salad fork for that, you see.

A salad... salad
fork. It goes with...

Yes, thank you, Oscar.
Usually on the left.

Thank you, thank you, yes.

Hmm?

Mmm, Felix, it's delicious. Mmm.

I'm sure that Felix could
have waited for his compliment

until after you swallowed.

I'm sorry.

(muffled): It's all right.

Felix, please, help us
set an example, will you?

Oscar, are-are you coming
to our opera next week?

Miriam! Hmm?

Dressing... dressing.

Oh.

Don't you hate that?!

Felix!

I don't believe this.

Oscar, will you please stop it?

I didn't do anything. She's
the one who had the dressing...

All right, Oscar!

I'm sorry I criticized you,

but I didn't realize
you'd take it this far.

No, I criticized you, and you'll
never learn good manners

if you don't listen to me.

Oscar, maybe I didn't
want to get serious,

but at least I used to
enjoy being with you.

I mean, this is ridiculous.

It's like having
dinner with my mother.

I'm leaving. Aw,
Phyllis! Phyllis?

Oh, let her go.
She's so uncouth.

Call me when
you're sloppy again.

Felix, I think you better
bring him out of this.

Oh, but look at him.

It's a dream come true!

But you heard what Phyllis said.

I wonder how he'll
take it when he knows.

I have a pretty good idea.

I'm gonna eat upstairs.

Good luck.

Hmm... (door closes)

Oscar? Mm-hmm?

(snaps fingers)

Where's Miriam?

Hey, didn't I see
Phyllis sitting over there?

Mm-hmm. Well, where'd they go?

Oscar. What?

I've got a story to tell you.

What?

You're gonna die laughing.

Yeah? What is it? Tell me.
Before they come back. What?

Remember my friend Ernie
who was here yesterday?

Yeah, nice guy. Yeah.

He's really a hypnotist.

No kidding?

And he put you under.

When? Right then?!

(cackling) I don't believe it.

During this entire meal...

He gave you a post-
hypnotic suggestion.

During this entire meal,

you've been behaving like
a pathological neat freak.

Is that true? Tell
me, how'd it go?

(laughs): Terrible. (laughing)

You mortally offended
Phyllis. She left in tears.

If you don't go after her,

you're never gonna
see her again.

I better go after her. (laughs)

Listen, while I'm gone
you better clean your shirt.

Does it need it?

(door opens)

Hey, how did your lunch go?

Great. Ah...

Phyllis and I
laughed all through it.

Ah, that's wonderful.
Where you going?

To my opera club.

You gonna go outside like that?

I told you, the
doorman loves it!

Oh, come on...

How many really funny
people are there in this building?

Oh. Oh, come on.

I thought we'd
made some progress.

At least hang up your coat.

Show that to your doorman.