The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Moonlighter - full transcript

(foghorn blowing)

I'd like a dish of tapioca
and a glass of milk.

Cookie...

Cookie... Mr. Madison.

Shh.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Myrna, you're late.

It's a rough neighborhood.



Were you attacked again?

No, better.

I think I'm engaged.

A man gave me his hook.

Good, you can load
your own cargo now.

Get out your pad, will ya?

Mr. M., you can't
hold down two jobs.

Yes, I can.

Now, before the graveyard
shift comes in here to eat,

I'll dictate my column to you.

Why are you doing this?

It's none of your
business, Myrna.

If a secretary has to come
down to a terrible place every night

for a whole week,



take dictation sitting
on a broken stool,

in a diner that's on the
Health Department's

enemy list, it's her business.

Okay, somebody gave me money

to get them season
tickets to the Yankees.

And you bet it on a horse?

I wouldn't bet somebody
else's money on just a horse.

I bet it on a
horse, a sure thing.

Now I gotta replace
the money fast.

Who's they?

The boys?

I'm not gonna tell you anything
else and don't you tell Felix.

Now get out your pad.
I'm gonna tell you...

FOREMAN: Graveyard shift!

They got ten minutes to eat.

Last Sunday at
the Texas Stadium,

not all the violence took
place in the field of play...

Hey, where's that
hamburger I ordered?

Hamburger. There
you go. There you go.

Hey, Mac, from now on,
leave the ketchup to me.

Take it, you'll like it. Try it.

Okay, where was I?

Not all the violence took
place on the field of play.

Yeah. Because a
lot of it took place

on the sidelines
and in the stands,

in a free-for-all so wild

that one fan chewed a large
chunk out of the artificial turf

and another out of a
linebacker's shoulder pad...

Hey, Mac,

three BLTs to go, hold the mayo.

The ref... the referee was
able to stop the fight, but the...

Hey, will ya! ...Cowboys were
unable to stop the New York Giants.

Hey, I'm in a hurry! Three
BLTs, hold the mayo.

The lone Dallas touchdown
came when Bob Lilly...

Also, I want the
meat loaf, fruit salad,

two scoops of chocolate
ice cream to go.

When Bob Lilly intercepted...

The meat loaf, fruit salad, two
scoops of chocolate traveling.

Where was I?

Three BLTs to go, hold the mayo,

meat loaf, fruit salad, two
chocolate ice cream traveling,

too much ketchup there,

and the Dallas Cowboys
blocked a veal cutlet.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

Come on! Just
the way you like it.

Scrambled eggs and bacon,

toast nice and warm,

coffee hot and strong!

Scrambled two
with... sides of toast...

two cups of java, midnight.

Where did you learn to do that?

Oh, you know, in college.

I worked my way
through as a waiter.

If I'd known that, I could have
saved 5,000 miles of walking.

Look at that, huh?

Look at what?

The prodigal roommate,
huh? (chuckling)

Congratulations!

On what?

Three nights in a row, you
come in after 4:00 in the morning.

I hear these things. So?

Yeah, you're having
fun, huh? Uh-huh, uh-huh,

uh-huh. Who is she?

Who's who?

Come on, you can tell
me. Tell me, come on.

Who is she? Who's who?

Come on, roomies tell
each other everything.

I've got nothing
to tell you, roomie.

Oh... What's she like?

Is she tall,
short... thin... fat?

I like 'em fat.

Fat girls are
surprisingly cheerful.

Come on, tell me,
what's she like? No!

All right.

Don't get so huffy.

None of my beeswax.

Okay. I'll change the subject.

Aren't you gonna
stir your coffee?

You didn't give me any spoon.

I forgot the spoon!

Oh, goodness
gracious! Forgive me!

Just a minute!

(cackling)

I'll need a bigger
cup of coffee.

What is this, King
Kong's first baby spoon?

That's for an ad I'm doing.

It's for the same client

you're getting those
baseball tickets for,

for the Yankees,
the season tickets.

Sure thing.

Yeah. When can I tell
my client to expect them?

Well, as soon as the
check clears, you know.

I gave you cash.

I know you gave me cash.

They only take checks.

Isn't that strange?

Well, that's their bookkeeping.

Leave me alone, will
ya? You'll get your tickets.

Wow, what a nudge!

I hope when the mayor
throws out the first ball,

he hits your client on the head!

Someone got up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning.

(doorbell buzzing)

FELIX: Come in, it's open.

Hi, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Myrna.

Is Mr. M. here?

He's here. He's washing up.

I brought the column over
here for him to proofread.

Can't he do that at the office?

Not until this afternoon.

He has a morning
interview with a jockey.

Ah.

You had a big
breakfast, Mr. Unger?

(braying laugh)

That's for a milk ad I'm doing.

My, he's a... he's a
busy boy, isn't he?

Yeah, busy as a bee.

Who is she?

Who?

The girl he's dating.

Mr. Madison? Yeah.

I didn't know he
was seeing a girl.

Oh, hi, Myrna.

Bye-bye, Felix.

Did you wash?

Mm.

Don't you want to
proofread your column?

Oh, yeah.

Perfect. There you go.

Is that the way he
proofreads his column?

He just looked at it.

Well, uh... he's got
photographic eyes.

I've never seen him so tired.

I'm worried about his health.

Me, too.

You don't think it's
girl trouble, huh?

No.

Aren't you gonna ask
me if it's something else?

Is it something else?

Yeah.

What? I can't tell you.

Why not?

I gave my word.

Where?

Good.

Good, what?

I promised I
wouldn't tell you what,

but I didn't say I
wouldn't tell you where.

912 Wharf Street.

There, now you know everything.

What do I know?

912 Wharf Street. What?

7:00. Uh, you'd better
eat before you go there.

912 Wharf Street...

that's down at the docks.

7:00... it'll be dark.

I'd better bring my big spoon.

(foghorn blowing)

(phone dings)

Happy anniversary!

This is where we met.

Let's take the same seats.

Myrna?

This is Mr. Unger.

It's 7:00 and I'm where
you said I should be,

but I don't see Oscar.

(distant foghorn blowing)

No, the place is a den of filth.

No, the only people
here are a cook,

a couple of drunks and a
counterman who looks... oh.

(coin clatters in slot)

Oscar!

My name is Cookie.

Cookie?

Whatever it is you want, sir,

I'm sure we're out of it.

So why don't you leave
and never come back, huh?

Oscar, I couldn't
believe my eyes.

I was on the phone
looking straight at you.

I didn't know it was
you in a greasy apron.

The greasy part I
can believe, but...

What are you doing here?

It's none of your business!
Will you get lost, Felix?

I'm not going to get lost.
What are you doing here?

I was walking down the
street, this guy stopped me.

He says, "What's
the capital of Bolivia?"

Right? I hesitated. Three
sailors jumped out of an alley.

They rapped me on the
head. They threw me in a bag.

Next thing I know, I was
mixing chicken salad.

I don't believe a word of that.

Everybody knows the
capital of Bolivia is La Paz.

You see, you just
saved a rap on the head.

What are you doing?

Sleepwalking.

Oscar, what is this?

I have total amnesia.

Who are you, sir?

Waiter...!

Hey, Cookie, serve the drunks.

Yeah, lady, what is it?

Oscar, this isn't your element.

Let's get out of
here. Will you leave?

No, I'm not going to leave.

Then I'm going to throw you out.

You can't throw me
out. You see that sign?

"We reserve the right to
refuse to serve anyone." Get out.

Obviously a right which
has never been exercised!

Sir... are you
referring to my wife?

Come on, honey,
let's go someplace

where all of the
customers ain't such a jerk.

What's the beef?
"What's the beef?"

This used to be a decent,
respectable establishment

before you started
catering to this weird riffraff

in... in jackets and ties.

This is what happens when
you don't have a cover charge.

Oscar, do you enjoy these types?

Felix, please, do me a favor.

Here, sit down, order
something to eat.

You're gonna get me fired.

I'll explain later.

I wouldn't drink the
water in this place.

If you can't tell me what's
wrong, who can you tell?

All right, I'll tell you.
I violated a trust.

Somebody gave me some money to
buy something, and I gambled it away.

Oscar!

Here I'm not Oscar.

Cookie! Cookie!

So you're moonlighting
to pay off your debt?

Yeah.

Well, that's admirable,

but... you can't do this.
You're dying of fatigue.

You're gonna jeopardize
your job with the newspaper.

I'll loan you the money.

No, I can't accept a
loan from you. Why not?

Well, I can't tell
you that either.

Is the person you borrowed
the money from a friend?

Oh, yeah. Then go to him

as a friend and tell
him what happened.

If he's a friend,
he'll understand.

But you can't work here.

You know, you're
absolutely right.

And you are my friend...

You know the money you gave me

to get your client season
tickets for the Yankees?

Yeah.

Yes?

Well, that's the
money I gambled away.

Thief! What?

Wait! Thief!

Don't anybody move!

I'm an off-duty policeman.

OLAF: What?!

More thieves?

From now on, I
only hire ex-cons!

(all yelling)

Step in here, young man.

Oscar.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

Felix, I feel a
lecture coming on.

I'm not in the mood, okay?

Where do you think you're going?

To my room.

You will come back here.

You will sit right there.

Do I have to sit there?

Right there!

Oscar... Can I have a beer?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

(opening can)

Do I have to sit there?

Sit wherever you wish.

You may not sit
there on the arm!

Oscar, what shall I do?

I'll accept anything
but a spanking.

What do you intend to do?

I figure I'll go
back to the diner,

I'll beg for my job back.

In a couple of weeks,
I'll have the money.

In two weeks, you'll lose
your job on the paper,

and you'll be out in the gutter.

You'll be on skid row,
sleeping in a flophouse.

Not that you'd ever
know the difference.

Felix, it's the only
way I can get money.

I don't have a choice. No,
no, no. You've got a choice.

I'll put up the money.

You'll pay me back
whenever you can.

No, Felix. No.

If I'm ever gonna
learn not to gamble

with other people's money,
I gotta pay for my mistakes.

No, no... You were right
when you called me a thief.

No, you're not a thief.

You're an embezzler.

Oscar, you're such a silly guy.

I'm your friend.

I'm your buddy.

That's what friends are
for, to help each other,

to understand each
other, to forgive each other,

no matter what terrible thing
one of them has done to the other.

This whole thing's in the past.

We just gotta forget it.

We're not gonna talk
about the money anymore.

You surprise me, Felix.

I... I never dreamed you'd
be this understanding.

You know my problem.
Come on, come on, come on.

You're right, I should have
come to you from the beginning.

Just don't be afraid
to come to me anytime.

I won't.

Thank you, Felix.

Good night, buddy.

(sighs loudly, muttering)

First, I'll have to buy
my client his box seat

at Yankee Stadium.

So, there goes my Christmas
in Buffalo with my brother.

I'll send him a card.

It's back to domestic
wines, of course.

(loud sigh)

Better call Gloria.

I promised the kids

I'd send them to
camp next summer.

They'll stay in town.

They'll splash around
the fire hydrant.

They'll understand.

They love their Uncle Oscar.

I'd rather have the spanking.

Oh, Felix, I'm glad I
caught you before you went.

Okay, I owe you $400, right?

There's $300 of it right there.

Come on, come on.
Where'd you get this?

Well, I hocked a few things.

What?

My saxophone.

You don't play the saxophone.

I know. I just
have it for hocking.

What else did you do?

Please, will you, Felix?

I'm still dizzy from
the blood bank.

You got any liver?

You donated blood?

It wasn't a donation.

They gave me $35.

Th-This is blood money!

I feel funny about this.

Oh, stop, will you?

What are you doing?

Sterilizing the wound.

With beer?

It's got alcohol in it.

What else did you hock?

My tape recorder
and my typewriter.

Oh, Oscar!

Those are your livelihood!

I can write longhand.

I didn't hock my pencils.

I-I don't feel
right about this...

No, now, you gotta... I
couldn't sleep last night.

Had a nightmare
that a giant fire hydrant

splashed your kids
with domestic wine.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna go back to the
diner, work four more days,

I'll have the other
hundred I owe you.

No, no, no! I know a better
way for you to earn $100.

You'll work in my studio
for a couple of days.

Oh, no, I don't want a handout.

It's not a handout.

I'm doing that big
milk layout. I need help.

I don't know anything
about photography.

You don't have to know
anything about photography.

I need someone for heavy moving

and general dirty
work and a lot of lifting.

My regular girl quit.

Don't lift that heavy stuff.
I want to earn the money.

Then help me... bring
in the other section.

You got it. You got it.

Bring in the bales of hay.

OSCAR: Look at this.

Leave it to you to get neat hay.

(grunting): There we go.

Okay. How does that look?

FELIX: Look at that. Ah, boy.

That looks like a real farm.

Real farm?

Miniature golf grass and
a painting by numbers.

What's that?

All right, now, come here.

Look through the camera.

Now what do you see?

OSCAR: Hey, that's great!

An upside-down farm.

And that's not all.

Remember your Mother Goose?

"Hey, diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle,

the cow jumped over the moon."

Ah... FELIX: "The
little dog laughed

to see such sport and the
dish ran away with the spoon."

We've got beautiful
girls to play those parts.

Girls are coming over here?

You will not think
of them as girls.

The minute they
walk through that door,

they are professional models.

You will think of them only
as colleagues and coworkers.

Right, right.

Now, I want you to
distribute these props

all over the set. Right.

I'll be loading these film
holders in the darkroom.

You got it, buddy.

Okay. (grunts)

(humming)

Hi.

Hi, girls... uh, colleagues,

coworkers, uh...
I'm Oscar Madison.

We're gonna be working together.

Are you the Oscar
Madison, the sportswriter?

Well, yes, I am.

I read your column all the time.

You do? Oh, so do I. Yeah.

Is that right?

Go figure... Pretty
girls love sports, and...

Well, I'd like to stand around
here all day and gab with you,

but we've got a lot of
work to do, you know.

Oh, sure, we understand.

Where do we change? In there.

Your wardrobe's laid
out and everything.

Colleagues... coworkers.

We're ready.

So am I.

For work, I mean.

Oh, you do photography, too?

Ah... well, I dabble, I
dabble in photography.

It's sort of a hobby, you know.

Well, what do we do?

Well, we're, uh... doing
the Mother Goose theme.

I'm sure you're familiar
with that old classic,

"Hey, diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle"?

You see... Hey,
I've got a great idea.

Why don't we set this up for
Mr. Unger and surprise him?

Wouldn't that be great?

FELIX: Yeah?

Mr. Unger, we're ready.

Okay.

Hello, everybody.

Well, you did this, huh? Yeah.

Very clever. Thank you.

FELIX: Early Andrews Sisters.

Well, we'll be ready to shoot
as soon as Florence gets here.

She didn't show up.

Yeah, she's in the
room across the hall.

You go get her.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Nice job, Oscar.

Thank you, Felix.

All right, let's break up the
Andrews Sisters, shall we?

All right, cat and
the fiddle back there

against the railing.

Dog right with her.

Just a minute.

We don't need this here.

Great body, not much of a face.

Okay, turn off the overheads.

(mumbles)

Hey! Hey! Oscar, hey, what...?

Let me down, you oaf!

Big smile. Big, big, big.

That's good. Hold.

Very good. Thank you, girls.

That's a wrap for tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Boy, you girls were terrific.

Oscar?

What are you and Felix
doing after work tonight?

What have you got in mind?

Well, we're all going to a party

and thought maybe
you'd like to join us.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You change, I'll
tell Felix, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Hey, Felix.

Our colleagues are turning
back into girls tonight.

They want us to come and watch.

We can't.

What do you mean, we can't?

I've got tickets to the opera.

Then I'll go alone.

What about Florence?

I don't think I can get her
a date on such short notice.

Oscar, someone's gotta stay
here overnight with Florence.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, of course.

You think I'm giving
you a hundred dollars

for one day's work.

Well, the cow's gotta
stay here overnight.

Don't stand there
in dumb amazement.

The nearest barn
is in Connecticut.

Whenever I work with
animals, my regular girl stays.

Well, she wouldn't stay with a
snake, but that's understandable.

I've got a cot.

For me or the cow?

I thought you
understood. I'm sorry.

All right, forget it.

I'll finish my job.

Look at this, I'm
the midnight cowboy.

It's got fewer
calories than you.

Hi.

What are you doing here? I
thought you went to the opera.

Ah, I thought about you.

The opera was Carmen,

and when the
baritone began to sing

The "Toreador Song," I
thought about you and the cow.

I guess I'm just a softie.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I learned a valuable
lesson. What?

He who bets on
animals sits with animals.

It's kind of nice,
isn't it? What?

Reminds me of my boyhood
on my grandmother's farm,

Glenville, New York.

She had a cow, too,
just like Florence.

Yeah? Yeah.

Her name was Alice.

Oh, I loved her.

I carry a memento
of her to this day.

Yeah, what?

This belt.

(Florence moos)

(key turning in lock)

Oscar, the pictures
came out great!

They're gonna love the ad.

Good.

What are you standing
there smiling at?

You were so great to me,
you helped me, you know...

to pay you back and everything,

I decided to do
something for you. What?

I cleaned my room.

No. Come here.

You're gonna love it. Come here.

Well... I'm very impressed.

At ease, soldier.

Cookie.