The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 13 - A Barnacle Adventure - full transcript
Oscar and his dentist want Felix to invest in their new glue made from barnacles.
Please try not to move your
head too much, Mr. Madison.
It won't dry properly.
Look, Oscar. Look at this X-ray.
It's the tooth that
wouldn't take the filling.
The one I filled six
months ago; it still holds.
How come? The
other one lasted a week
and ended up in
some Turkish taffy.
Well, this one
will never fall out.
The glue I used is
my own secret formula.
What's so secret about it?
You know, I know I
can trust you, right?
I can tell by your teeth
you're an honest man.
You can tell by my teeth?
What am I, a horse?
You know, I've been
a dentist for 20 years,
and one thing I learned
is that teeth don't lie.
You know, the first man
to talk out against Hitler
was his dentist?
I didn't know that.
What's the big secret
about your glue?
Barnacles. Barnacles?
Yeah. You know how barnacles
stick to the sides of ships.
Well, I made this out
of my barnacle glue.
Now, watch this.
I take a little bit of the glue,
put the cup there.
(blows on it)
Go ahead, try to move it.
Oh, come on, it's still wet.
That'll be easy. No,
no, it's fast drying.
Holy mackerel, that
stuff is terrific. Uh-huh.
I never saw anything better
advertised on television.
You ought to market that.
I am. My brother-in-law
is backing me. Hear that?
I never can get in
on the ground floor
of something good like that.
You want to come in?
What about your brother-in-law?
I'd rather have you come in.
I don't trust him.
Bad teeth? False teeth.
How much you need?
$2,000, but I
need it right away.
You've got a deal.
I'll get it from my
roommate, Felix.
Can you trust him?
Are you kidding?
No cavities!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(groans)
Hiya, buddy.
Tired feet?
I just came from
covering a mixed marriage.
150 people in a
two-room apartment.
It was so hot, the
ice goose melted.
(sighs wearily)
Not only that,
the bride's grandmother
made me dance the kazatsky.
The other side made
me dance the tarantella.
You must be hungry.
I'm too tired to cook.
No, I'll make dinner. I'll
make some sandwiches.
You? Yeah. What do you want?
Egg salad, tuna
salad, chicken salad...?
Egg salad. You've got it.
No ketchup.
Here you go, egg salad sandwich.
You're sure you didn't
go to too much trouble?
I passed the cafeteria
on my way home.
85 cents. You want
me to pay you now?
(hearty laugh)
You got a great sense of humor.
That's why I love
you. No, it's on me.
And I got something to drink
to go with it. I don't want a beer.
Who's talking about a beer?
I got something special here.
I got a mint julep.
It goes terrific with an
egg salad sandwich.
It's got a sprig of mint in it.
Put your feet up, old
buddy, put your feet up.
Put your head back,
close your eyes...
What, what, what, what?
You want something. No.
What? Money? No.
What horse is it this time?
That's the thanks I get.
I knew you were going
to have a rough day.
You always do for me, I
thought I would do for you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
I apologize! I
took it out on you!
How much do you need? $2,000.
Forget it.
We've got a chance to get
in on a terrific investment.
Another investment? Yeah.
Like those oil wells in Vermont?
We drilled for over a year and
found 15 barrels of maple syrup.
Will you forget about the syrup?
Felix, what is the stickiest
substance on earth?
This egg salad.
Will you be serious? All right.
Out at sea, what
is it that ships have?
Singles dances! How do I know?
Will you stop already?
Barnacles, Felix, barnacles!
They stick to the hull
of the ship... Barnacles.
It's a simple sea creature
that secretes the
strongest glue on earth.
You know, when they attach to a
ship, they have to be blasted off, right?
I know a guy who has
discovered their secret. Here, lookit.
You mean I'm holding
barnacle waste in my hand?
And the most powerful
glue known to man and ship.
So now I'm supposed to
give you all my money?
If you had a brain in your head,
you'd give me all of
your money to invest
in the greatest discovery
since cockroach powder.
It's an interesting choice.
I don't have a brain
in my head, All right.
So forget it. No!
I won't to let you in on
the ground floor. Fine, fine.
All right. That's it,
as long as I know.
Okay. By the way, Gloria called.
She wants you to call her back.
Why didn't you tell me?
I just thought about it.
Oh, it's funny. It's
clever, yeah. Yeah?
You glued the phone.
Go ahead, see if you can...
Go ahead, try it,
try it. You can't...
Get somebody to help you.
Go ahead. Try to
get Atlas to help you.
Go ahead. You couldn't
get Godzilla to take this off,
I'm telling you.
It's great for ruining phones.
It's great for every...
How can I convince you?
Look what I did here. What?
I'll show you. Here.
I glued my pencil
to a bowling ball.
Oh, boy, you had a busy day!
Big deal!
All right, you're
gonna see big deal.
Watch this, okay, buddy?
It's heavier than I thought.
Okay. There you go, buddy.
Big deal, huh?
Okay. Are you impressed?
Who invented this glue?
My dentist.
An inventing dentist?
We put him on Ted Mack.
Come on, you don't mean it.
The worst thing that could
happen is, you'll find out
you don't have any cavities.
You're next.
Hi, Elmo. Hey, Oscar.
Say hello to my
roommate, Felix Unger.
Felix, say hello to a great
inventor, a good dentist,
Dr. Elmo Most. Dr. Most.
Felix is thinking of
investing in our project.
Oh. Mr. Unger, I'm a modest
man who happens to be a genius.
Mm-hmm. He won a
high school science fair.
Mm.
Would you mind sitting
in my chair, please?
I always talk better to people
when they're
sitting in the chair.
Humor the genius. Please.
Now, just relax.
This won't hurt.
Just open wide.
Nice.
Very nice.
He has very trustworthy teeth.
But he has suspicious gums.
And gums don't lie.
I am suspicious of this
miracle mucilage of yours.
Glue. Glue.
What do you need
extra money for?
Well, refinement, development...
Hmm. What kind of refinement?
Well, for one thing, I can't
get this lid off the jar. It sticks.
Your money will help
us to solve that problem.
Who wants to buy glue that
sticks to the inside of the tube?
Right now I can only
use small amounts,
but with further refinement,
I know it'll mass produce.
How much have
you put in yourself?
Ten thousand.
That's a lot of fillings.
You want me to show
you a demonstration?
No, no, no, no.
I've seen it demonstrated.
It ruined my bowling ball.
I wonder if Mr. Madison and I
could have a moment to, um...
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Make yourselves at home.
Rinse... spit... do
anything you want.
(door closes)
Well, what do you think?
Mm-hmm-hmm... What's mm-hmm-hmm?
What? Mm-hmm.
Again, what is
it? It's too risky.
It's such a small risk for
such a big payoff... $2000.
It's a drop in the
bucket to you.
Oscar, you... you labor
under a serious misconception.
How much money
do you think I've got?
You're not the only
one who pays alimony.
I send Gloria and the kids
a lot of money every month.
Oh, I was there. It
wasn't a bad settlement.
It was a miserable settlement.
How could you expect any
woman to live on that kind of pittance
that judge awarded?
Felix, you must have
money somewhere
hidden in a vacuum bag...
(mumbles)
The only money I've got
is earmarked for
my wife and kids.
They're my principal investment.
That's the way it's going to
remain. What are you going to do?
You got a little bit of spinach
there. Well, rinse it. It'll wash away.
Don't worry about
it. It'll wash away.
Don't do... Now,
are you in or out?
I'm out. I have no faith in the
glue business or in your doctor.
Sorry to let you down like this.
Boy! That must have
been some party.
Our phones don't do this.
Will you fix it?
Does it ring? Yeah.
Then it's fixed.
But I, I, I can't lift it out.
It's not my department.
Well, you're a phone man.
Look, I handle mechanical
failures and disturbances
on the line, not glue.
What happens now?
Well, now, your case
is gonna be turned
over to Defacement
and Vandalism,
and you could be in
real serious trouble.
What can you do to me?
Anything we want.
Huh, we're a monopoly.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
REPAIRMAN: Another party, huh?
Hi, Mr. Unger. Myrna, Murray,
what are you doing here?
Hi, Felix. Come in, come in!
We're here for the first
glue investors meeting.
Glue investors?
You mean Oscar talked
you out of some money?
No, he's letting us
in on the ground floor
of the greatest thing
since the shoelace.
This is very risky.
I think it's exciting.
We're in on a
brand-new invention,
and I'm getting my
teeth capped for free.
I had to talk my
wife into letting me
draw the money out
of our joint account.
We've been saving
up for twin water beds.
Have some fruit.
No, it's gaseous.
Where is the
captain of industry?
He's with our major investor.
Yeah, we just
put in a little bit.
You mean he's found
himself a big fish, huh?
Yeah. We're just little guppies.
Well, here is the mastermind
of the glue scandal.
Aren't you proud of yourself?
Bilking your underpaid
secretary out of a pittance?
Taking advantage of
New York's dumbest?
Who's the sucker you're
taking to the cleaners?
Your ex-wife, Gloria.
Column type.
The expansion teams of today
are the Super Bowl
champs of tomorrow.
Got that? Yeah. It's
a real grabber, Mr. M.
That'll sell papers.
(door opens)
Hi, Felix.
Hi, Mr. Unger. Hello.
The football... (door slamming)
MYRNA: You don't look happy.
Why should I look happy?
Roommate went around
slinking behind my back.
Plundered my
children's college fund.
Forget about it. Let's get
this column out. It's important.
The football coach, I went
over to Gloria's house to try
to talk some sense into her. who for years
have been talking about establishing...
Would you like to know
what happened? No. Yeah.
FELIX: I'll start
at the beginning.
I walked up to the door.
(Oscar continues dictating)
I rang the bell. Gloria
opened the door.
She said "Hello, Felix." I
said, "Hello, Gloria." (dictating)
Leonard and Edna
weren't at home. (dictating)
Wait a minute, you're going
too fast, but you're okay.
I said, "Gloria, don't you
think you should reconsider
throwing your money away on
Oscar's fly-by-night scheme?"
Do you know what
she said? (dictating) No.
I'll tell you what she said!
She said, "Felix, I
want to think for myself."
Put your head down.
I said, "Why should
you think for yourself
when you've got me to
think for you?" (dictating)
That's when Manny called
me a male chauvinist. (dictating)
MYRNA: Who's Manny?
OSCAR: Never mind.
Fellow putting up
the venetian blinds.
(dictating) Gloria's
stubborn, and she's obstinate,
but she's not stupid.
She agreed that I should
take care of her investment.
What do you mean, you're
gonna take care of her investment?
I mean that I have her proxy
on all decisions made
from this moment on,
and this is one investment
that's going to skyrocket
to big bucks, buddy!
Lucky you, you're
along for a free ride.
Wait a minute, Mr. Proxy.
Who died and left you the boss?
Gloria is the biggest investor
in this barnacle madness,
which automatically
makes me president.
Now, with your permission,
I'm going to read
my encyclopedia,
try to find out about
barnacles and glue.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna tell Elmo
to fight this coup d'etat.
And Elmo will listen to me
because Unger's the
name and glue is my game!
Good-bye, Mr. President.
How do you like that guy?
I want him in, he
doesn't want to come in.
I get his wife in, then he
comes in, he pushes me out!
And he becomes president
because "Glue is my game."
"Oh, what a tangled
web we weave,
when first we
practice to deceive."
What?
Have you ever been kissed
by a man with
cotton in his mouth?
Yeah, Eli Whitney.
You're cute.
Don't talk.
Let the anesthesia work.
You're feeling
groggy, huh? Yeah.
When do I get to la-la land?
You'll be out in a few minutes.
Good... I'm flying free.
I feel like a big, big balloon.
(knocking) Hi.
And here comes the pin.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Elmo.
Hey, there.
I knew I'd find you both here,
so I thought, what better time
to hold a stockholders
meeting, huh?
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Not now, Felix. I'm
right in the middle
of working on Oscar, and
he's under anesthesia. Oh?
Well, you're the one I
want to talk to anyway.
It'll only take a minute.
What's so important?
I've got a marvelous idea,
but naturally I
need your approval.
(mumbling) What'd
you say, Oscar?
Don't, don't pay
any attention to him.
Just listen to
me. Listen. Listen.
We've got only so much money
to work with, right? Right.
And most of it
is Gloria's, right?
So, what we want to do is
make that money work for us.
Now, I've set up a meeting
(mumbling) with the board
of directors of the GCA,
the Glueco
Corporation of America.
What for?
We'll show them Elmo's glue.
We'll convince them,
they'll flip over it,
and they'll buy the
rights to manufacture it.
ELMO: You mean sell it to them?
FELIX: Sure. Let
them pay for the cost
of future development.
They'll take risks
while we sit back
and rake in the
nifty profit, right?
What a great idea, huh?
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna put on a
professional presentation.
We'll have maps, we'll have
graphs, we'll have charts
and an amazing demonstration.
What do we know
about presentations?
We're not pros.
It'll cost a fortune.
Normally, yes, but I am
a pro, and with your help,
with everybody's help, I
know I can pull this thing off.
Gee, I'd like to
do more research.
FELIX: Of course you would.
You see, you're with me.
Won't even need a cent of money.
What do you say? We'll
go. I know I can do it.
Well, I have to check
it out with Oscar.
If he says okay,
I'll go along with it.
After all, he knows you
better than anybody else.
Okay with me.
What do you say,
Oscar? Hey, buddy.
You got faith in Felix?
He would have said yes.
Felix, please! Don't bore them
with the story about
the history of glue.
The history of
glue is not boring.
It proves that we're sincere.
Felix, they're businessmen.
Who's running this
demonstration? I am!
All right. Go to your post!
You got it. Okay. Okay.
Hello. FELIX: Hello.
I'm John Abernathy.
This is Steve Abernathy
and Pop Abernathy.
FELIX: How do you do?
Gentlemen, you may
present your presentation.
Thank you.
Gentlemen... What's your name?
Felix.
Oh, Felix. Like the cat?
Yes.
Gentlemen... And
what's his name?
That's Murray, and this is Elmo.
Pop, please, please, please.
Gentlemen... I
propose to tell you
the story of glue.
We're glue men.
We know everything about it.
Now, wait a minute.
I'd like to hear it.
I love a good glue story.
Go ahead, Felix the Cat.
Now, gentlemen, when you
think of the country of Holland,
what do you think of?
Windmills, wooden
shoes, tulips...
Haircuts...
Haircuts?
Yes, those Dutch Boy haircuts.
Oh, that's very good... Pop.
Pop.
But when you think of Holland,
do you ever think of glue?
Or of the year 1690?
For it was in that year,
in Holland, that
glue was first made,
according to that great
glue historian John Delmonte.
FELIX: Murray, you're
pointing to Finland.
Now you're in Africa.
It was at that time that
the Dutch first made glue
by solubilizing certain
vegetables such as...
Corn!
Ooh, sticky, ja?
FELIX: Ja!
I don't think we'd like this
on the back of our
postage stamps, would we?
Thank you, Katrinka.
That was a good story, John.
I like Katrinka.
Now, as the glue industry moved
from Holland, right here,
to England, right here,
new methods of making
glue were discovered.
Glue was obtained
from hides and bone.
And what animal do you suppose
was the principal contributor?
The horsie.
Right.
The poor horsie.
That's the end of the
business I always hated.
Well, be of good cheer, sir,
for the poor horse is
no longer necessary
in the manufacture of glue.
And do you know why?
Why?
Barnacles!
Barnacles? Barnacles?
Barnacles, gentlemen.
This lowly sea creature
has disclosed to Dr. Elmo Most
her secret of the most
powerful glue known on earth.
But, you may ask,
what does this mean
to the average man?
What does this mean
to the average man?
Pop, please!
Well, he said "You
may ask," so I asked.
Let's find out.
Let's take a stroll down the
lane and see who we run into.
Who is that?
His name is Oscar.
POP: Hi, Oscar.
Sir? Yes, sir.
You look like an
average man. Thank you.
May I ask you of your
experiences with glue?
Oh, I have had terrible
experiences with glue, sir.
I can't seem to find
a satisfactory glue
that would satisfy
all my glue needs.
And do most of your
friends feel the same way?
Yes, they do.
We wish we could find
a glue that we could...
Trust. Trust.
Thank you, stranger.
Well, Mr. Average
Man, you're in luck.
Have you ever heard
of Elmo's Barnacle Glue?
Elmo's Barnacle Glue.
What an interesting name.
Do you know of the
amazing properties
of Elmo's Barnacle
Glue? No... and, and...
(sotto voce): Felix.
What's the matter?
My filling just fell out.
Thank you, Mr. Average Man.
Good actor.
Now for our demonstration.
Uh... is-is that the
end of the story?
Yes.
I only stay for the stories.
You can do what you want, John,
but I'd buy some of his glue.
If it's good enough for
Oscar, it's good enough for me.
Thanks for the horsie.
Now that my father's gone,
let's get down to business.
What does your glue do?
I'll give you two minutes.
Yes, sir, well, two
minutes, two minutes.
Exactly what I
need. Two minutes.
Sir, before you
came into the room,
I took the liberty of applying
Elmo's Barnacle Glue
to several objects in this room.
As a matter of fact,
the legs of the very
chair you're sitting in
have been neatly sawed
off and glued back with
Elmo's Barnacle Glue.
You look a little skeptical.
I was a skeptic
once myself, sir,
until a friend came to my home
and showed me an
amazing demonstration.
He glued my phone.
A glued phone, you say?
What could that do?
Let's find out when we
try to answer the phone.
Ring!
I'm sorry I can't talk now.
I thought you glued
the phone. I did.
Let's look around
us and see what else
we see. Ah!
A pencil glued
to a bowling ball.
A bowling ball
picked up by a pencil?
Impossible, you
say... As indeed it is.
Write down that
word, impossible...
Mr. Unger, I think
I've seen quite enough.
Pleas, just let us show you
one more thing. Please sit down.
Please.
Well, I think our two
minutes is about up.
Felix, this was real exciting.
When that guy hit
the floor... (laughs)
I almost died.
(laughing)
(stops laughing)
I just talked to Elmo.
He figured out what was wrong.
Barnacle glue won't hold
for any length of
time unless it's wet.
Water is the secret ingredient.
Some scientist.
Then how come
your filling fell out?
Well, you made me so nervous
with that cockamamie
presentation,
my mouth went dry.
MURRAY: So long, guys.
Well, we lost our money.
No. He's gonna give
us back our investment.
How come?
The Glueco Corporation
is gonna give him a
grant to do some research.
They think he could
beat the problem.
They said we
shouldn't have rushed
into making a presentation.
Well, then it's all
for the best, though.
We're still in
business. No, we're not.
They're giving him the
money under one condition...
He gets rid of us.
He wouldn't sell us out.
Are you kidding? He wouldn't
even replace my filling.
He gave me the name
of another dentist.
So Elmo's the only one who
came out ahead, huh? Yeah.
Well, my Katrinka, my dear...
would you like me to show
you how we jar the glue?
Ja.
I mean, put the caps on it?
Ja.
Good. Well, come
right this way, my dear.
Ja.
Ja, right this way.
Ja.
Guess he got tired of
playing with the horsie.
What's that stuff you're making?
Egg salad.
Good, too. Not like that
ersatz you brought home.
Want a taste?
No. I'm not hungry.
I'm still upset about that glue.
Yeah. Well, it
wasn't in the cards.
I don't know.
I thought it was a sure thing.
I, I was counting
the royalties already.
Oscar, guys like
us, we're just...
We're not supposed
to win the jackpot.
That's all there is to it.
Yeah, I guess it's the breaks.
I remember when I was a
kid, I hit a ball down the sewer.
I went looking for it, and I
found there a bag of money.
So I went for it, see,
and I, I ripped my pants
I split my forehead,
but I got it.
And I brought it home
to my mother; she said,
"You gotta bring it
around to the neighborhood
and find out who it belongs to.
So I went out, and I found
that the Koropkins Tailor
Shop had been robbed, see.
So I went home and she said,
"Now you gotta
take it back to him;
maybe he'll give you a reward."
Did he?
Yeah. He sewed up my pants.
head too much, Mr. Madison.
It won't dry properly.
Look, Oscar. Look at this X-ray.
It's the tooth that
wouldn't take the filling.
The one I filled six
months ago; it still holds.
How come? The
other one lasted a week
and ended up in
some Turkish taffy.
Well, this one
will never fall out.
The glue I used is
my own secret formula.
What's so secret about it?
You know, I know I
can trust you, right?
I can tell by your teeth
you're an honest man.
You can tell by my teeth?
What am I, a horse?
You know, I've been
a dentist for 20 years,
and one thing I learned
is that teeth don't lie.
You know, the first man
to talk out against Hitler
was his dentist?
I didn't know that.
What's the big secret
about your glue?
Barnacles. Barnacles?
Yeah. You know how barnacles
stick to the sides of ships.
Well, I made this out
of my barnacle glue.
Now, watch this.
I take a little bit of the glue,
put the cup there.
(blows on it)
Go ahead, try to move it.
Oh, come on, it's still wet.
That'll be easy. No,
no, it's fast drying.
Holy mackerel, that
stuff is terrific. Uh-huh.
I never saw anything better
advertised on television.
You ought to market that.
I am. My brother-in-law
is backing me. Hear that?
I never can get in
on the ground floor
of something good like that.
You want to come in?
What about your brother-in-law?
I'd rather have you come in.
I don't trust him.
Bad teeth? False teeth.
How much you need?
$2,000, but I
need it right away.
You've got a deal.
I'll get it from my
roommate, Felix.
Can you trust him?
Are you kidding?
No cavities!
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(groans)
Hiya, buddy.
Tired feet?
I just came from
covering a mixed marriage.
150 people in a
two-room apartment.
It was so hot, the
ice goose melted.
(sighs wearily)
Not only that,
the bride's grandmother
made me dance the kazatsky.
The other side made
me dance the tarantella.
You must be hungry.
I'm too tired to cook.
No, I'll make dinner. I'll
make some sandwiches.
You? Yeah. What do you want?
Egg salad, tuna
salad, chicken salad...?
Egg salad. You've got it.
No ketchup.
Here you go, egg salad sandwich.
You're sure you didn't
go to too much trouble?
I passed the cafeteria
on my way home.
85 cents. You want
me to pay you now?
(hearty laugh)
You got a great sense of humor.
That's why I love
you. No, it's on me.
And I got something to drink
to go with it. I don't want a beer.
Who's talking about a beer?
I got something special here.
I got a mint julep.
It goes terrific with an
egg salad sandwich.
It's got a sprig of mint in it.
Put your feet up, old
buddy, put your feet up.
Put your head back,
close your eyes...
What, what, what, what?
You want something. No.
What? Money? No.
What horse is it this time?
That's the thanks I get.
I knew you were going
to have a rough day.
You always do for me, I
thought I would do for you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
I apologize! I
took it out on you!
How much do you need? $2,000.
Forget it.
We've got a chance to get
in on a terrific investment.
Another investment? Yeah.
Like those oil wells in Vermont?
We drilled for over a year and
found 15 barrels of maple syrup.
Will you forget about the syrup?
Felix, what is the stickiest
substance on earth?
This egg salad.
Will you be serious? All right.
Out at sea, what
is it that ships have?
Singles dances! How do I know?
Will you stop already?
Barnacles, Felix, barnacles!
They stick to the hull
of the ship... Barnacles.
It's a simple sea creature
that secretes the
strongest glue on earth.
You know, when they attach to a
ship, they have to be blasted off, right?
I know a guy who has
discovered their secret. Here, lookit.
You mean I'm holding
barnacle waste in my hand?
And the most powerful
glue known to man and ship.
So now I'm supposed to
give you all my money?
If you had a brain in your head,
you'd give me all of
your money to invest
in the greatest discovery
since cockroach powder.
It's an interesting choice.
I don't have a brain
in my head, All right.
So forget it. No!
I won't to let you in on
the ground floor. Fine, fine.
All right. That's it,
as long as I know.
Okay. By the way, Gloria called.
She wants you to call her back.
Why didn't you tell me?
I just thought about it.
Oh, it's funny. It's
clever, yeah. Yeah?
You glued the phone.
Go ahead, see if you can...
Go ahead, try it,
try it. You can't...
Get somebody to help you.
Go ahead. Try to
get Atlas to help you.
Go ahead. You couldn't
get Godzilla to take this off,
I'm telling you.
It's great for ruining phones.
It's great for every...
How can I convince you?
Look what I did here. What?
I'll show you. Here.
I glued my pencil
to a bowling ball.
Oh, boy, you had a busy day!
Big deal!
All right, you're
gonna see big deal.
Watch this, okay, buddy?
It's heavier than I thought.
Okay. There you go, buddy.
Big deal, huh?
Okay. Are you impressed?
Who invented this glue?
My dentist.
An inventing dentist?
We put him on Ted Mack.
Come on, you don't mean it.
The worst thing that could
happen is, you'll find out
you don't have any cavities.
You're next.
Hi, Elmo. Hey, Oscar.
Say hello to my
roommate, Felix Unger.
Felix, say hello to a great
inventor, a good dentist,
Dr. Elmo Most. Dr. Most.
Felix is thinking of
investing in our project.
Oh. Mr. Unger, I'm a modest
man who happens to be a genius.
Mm-hmm. He won a
high school science fair.
Mm.
Would you mind sitting
in my chair, please?
I always talk better to people
when they're
sitting in the chair.
Humor the genius. Please.
Now, just relax.
This won't hurt.
Just open wide.
Nice.
Very nice.
He has very trustworthy teeth.
But he has suspicious gums.
And gums don't lie.
I am suspicious of this
miracle mucilage of yours.
Glue. Glue.
What do you need
extra money for?
Well, refinement, development...
Hmm. What kind of refinement?
Well, for one thing, I can't
get this lid off the jar. It sticks.
Your money will help
us to solve that problem.
Who wants to buy glue that
sticks to the inside of the tube?
Right now I can only
use small amounts,
but with further refinement,
I know it'll mass produce.
How much have
you put in yourself?
Ten thousand.
That's a lot of fillings.
You want me to show
you a demonstration?
No, no, no, no.
I've seen it demonstrated.
It ruined my bowling ball.
I wonder if Mr. Madison and I
could have a moment to, um...
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Make yourselves at home.
Rinse... spit... do
anything you want.
(door closes)
Well, what do you think?
Mm-hmm-hmm... What's mm-hmm-hmm?
What? Mm-hmm.
Again, what is
it? It's too risky.
It's such a small risk for
such a big payoff... $2000.
It's a drop in the
bucket to you.
Oscar, you... you labor
under a serious misconception.
How much money
do you think I've got?
You're not the only
one who pays alimony.
I send Gloria and the kids
a lot of money every month.
Oh, I was there. It
wasn't a bad settlement.
It was a miserable settlement.
How could you expect any
woman to live on that kind of pittance
that judge awarded?
Felix, you must have
money somewhere
hidden in a vacuum bag...
(mumbles)
The only money I've got
is earmarked for
my wife and kids.
They're my principal investment.
That's the way it's going to
remain. What are you going to do?
You got a little bit of spinach
there. Well, rinse it. It'll wash away.
Don't worry about
it. It'll wash away.
Don't do... Now,
are you in or out?
I'm out. I have no faith in the
glue business or in your doctor.
Sorry to let you down like this.
Boy! That must have
been some party.
Our phones don't do this.
Will you fix it?
Does it ring? Yeah.
Then it's fixed.
But I, I, I can't lift it out.
It's not my department.
Well, you're a phone man.
Look, I handle mechanical
failures and disturbances
on the line, not glue.
What happens now?
Well, now, your case
is gonna be turned
over to Defacement
and Vandalism,
and you could be in
real serious trouble.
What can you do to me?
Anything we want.
Huh, we're a monopoly.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
REPAIRMAN: Another party, huh?
Hi, Mr. Unger. Myrna, Murray,
what are you doing here?
Hi, Felix. Come in, come in!
We're here for the first
glue investors meeting.
Glue investors?
You mean Oscar talked
you out of some money?
No, he's letting us
in on the ground floor
of the greatest thing
since the shoelace.
This is very risky.
I think it's exciting.
We're in on a
brand-new invention,
and I'm getting my
teeth capped for free.
I had to talk my
wife into letting me
draw the money out
of our joint account.
We've been saving
up for twin water beds.
Have some fruit.
No, it's gaseous.
Where is the
captain of industry?
He's with our major investor.
Yeah, we just
put in a little bit.
You mean he's found
himself a big fish, huh?
Yeah. We're just little guppies.
Well, here is the mastermind
of the glue scandal.
Aren't you proud of yourself?
Bilking your underpaid
secretary out of a pittance?
Taking advantage of
New York's dumbest?
Who's the sucker you're
taking to the cleaners?
Your ex-wife, Gloria.
Column type.
The expansion teams of today
are the Super Bowl
champs of tomorrow.
Got that? Yeah. It's
a real grabber, Mr. M.
That'll sell papers.
(door opens)
Hi, Felix.
Hi, Mr. Unger. Hello.
The football... (door slamming)
MYRNA: You don't look happy.
Why should I look happy?
Roommate went around
slinking behind my back.
Plundered my
children's college fund.
Forget about it. Let's get
this column out. It's important.
The football coach, I went
over to Gloria's house to try
to talk some sense into her. who for years
have been talking about establishing...
Would you like to know
what happened? No. Yeah.
FELIX: I'll start
at the beginning.
I walked up to the door.
(Oscar continues dictating)
I rang the bell. Gloria
opened the door.
She said "Hello, Felix." I
said, "Hello, Gloria." (dictating)
Leonard and Edna
weren't at home. (dictating)
Wait a minute, you're going
too fast, but you're okay.
I said, "Gloria, don't you
think you should reconsider
throwing your money away on
Oscar's fly-by-night scheme?"
Do you know what
she said? (dictating) No.
I'll tell you what she said!
She said, "Felix, I
want to think for myself."
Put your head down.
I said, "Why should
you think for yourself
when you've got me to
think for you?" (dictating)
That's when Manny called
me a male chauvinist. (dictating)
MYRNA: Who's Manny?
OSCAR: Never mind.
Fellow putting up
the venetian blinds.
(dictating) Gloria's
stubborn, and she's obstinate,
but she's not stupid.
She agreed that I should
take care of her investment.
What do you mean, you're
gonna take care of her investment?
I mean that I have her proxy
on all decisions made
from this moment on,
and this is one investment
that's going to skyrocket
to big bucks, buddy!
Lucky you, you're
along for a free ride.
Wait a minute, Mr. Proxy.
Who died and left you the boss?
Gloria is the biggest investor
in this barnacle madness,
which automatically
makes me president.
Now, with your permission,
I'm going to read
my encyclopedia,
try to find out about
barnacles and glue.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna tell Elmo
to fight this coup d'etat.
And Elmo will listen to me
because Unger's the
name and glue is my game!
Good-bye, Mr. President.
How do you like that guy?
I want him in, he
doesn't want to come in.
I get his wife in, then he
comes in, he pushes me out!
And he becomes president
because "Glue is my game."
"Oh, what a tangled
web we weave,
when first we
practice to deceive."
What?
Have you ever been kissed
by a man with
cotton in his mouth?
Yeah, Eli Whitney.
You're cute.
Don't talk.
Let the anesthesia work.
You're feeling
groggy, huh? Yeah.
When do I get to la-la land?
You'll be out in a few minutes.
Good... I'm flying free.
I feel like a big, big balloon.
(knocking) Hi.
And here comes the pin.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Elmo.
Hey, there.
I knew I'd find you both here,
so I thought, what better time
to hold a stockholders
meeting, huh?
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Not now, Felix. I'm
right in the middle
of working on Oscar, and
he's under anesthesia. Oh?
Well, you're the one I
want to talk to anyway.
It'll only take a minute.
What's so important?
I've got a marvelous idea,
but naturally I
need your approval.
(mumbling) What'd
you say, Oscar?
Don't, don't pay
any attention to him.
Just listen to
me. Listen. Listen.
We've got only so much money
to work with, right? Right.
And most of it
is Gloria's, right?
So, what we want to do is
make that money work for us.
Now, I've set up a meeting
(mumbling) with the board
of directors of the GCA,
the Glueco
Corporation of America.
What for?
We'll show them Elmo's glue.
We'll convince them,
they'll flip over it,
and they'll buy the
rights to manufacture it.
ELMO: You mean sell it to them?
FELIX: Sure. Let
them pay for the cost
of future development.
They'll take risks
while we sit back
and rake in the
nifty profit, right?
What a great idea, huh?
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna put on a
professional presentation.
We'll have maps, we'll have
graphs, we'll have charts
and an amazing demonstration.
What do we know
about presentations?
We're not pros.
It'll cost a fortune.
Normally, yes, but I am
a pro, and with your help,
with everybody's help, I
know I can pull this thing off.
Gee, I'd like to
do more research.
FELIX: Of course you would.
You see, you're with me.
Won't even need a cent of money.
What do you say? We'll
go. I know I can do it.
Well, I have to check
it out with Oscar.
If he says okay,
I'll go along with it.
After all, he knows you
better than anybody else.
Okay with me.
What do you say,
Oscar? Hey, buddy.
You got faith in Felix?
He would have said yes.
Felix, please! Don't bore them
with the story about
the history of glue.
The history of
glue is not boring.
It proves that we're sincere.
Felix, they're businessmen.
Who's running this
demonstration? I am!
All right. Go to your post!
You got it. Okay. Okay.
Hello. FELIX: Hello.
I'm John Abernathy.
This is Steve Abernathy
and Pop Abernathy.
FELIX: How do you do?
Gentlemen, you may
present your presentation.
Thank you.
Gentlemen... What's your name?
Felix.
Oh, Felix. Like the cat?
Yes.
Gentlemen... And
what's his name?
That's Murray, and this is Elmo.
Pop, please, please, please.
Gentlemen... I
propose to tell you
the story of glue.
We're glue men.
We know everything about it.
Now, wait a minute.
I'd like to hear it.
I love a good glue story.
Go ahead, Felix the Cat.
Now, gentlemen, when you
think of the country of Holland,
what do you think of?
Windmills, wooden
shoes, tulips...
Haircuts...
Haircuts?
Yes, those Dutch Boy haircuts.
Oh, that's very good... Pop.
Pop.
But when you think of Holland,
do you ever think of glue?
Or of the year 1690?
For it was in that year,
in Holland, that
glue was first made,
according to that great
glue historian John Delmonte.
FELIX: Murray, you're
pointing to Finland.
Now you're in Africa.
It was at that time that
the Dutch first made glue
by solubilizing certain
vegetables such as...
Corn!
Ooh, sticky, ja?
FELIX: Ja!
I don't think we'd like this
on the back of our
postage stamps, would we?
Thank you, Katrinka.
That was a good story, John.
I like Katrinka.
Now, as the glue industry moved
from Holland, right here,
to England, right here,
new methods of making
glue were discovered.
Glue was obtained
from hides and bone.
And what animal do you suppose
was the principal contributor?
The horsie.
Right.
The poor horsie.
That's the end of the
business I always hated.
Well, be of good cheer, sir,
for the poor horse is
no longer necessary
in the manufacture of glue.
And do you know why?
Why?
Barnacles!
Barnacles? Barnacles?
Barnacles, gentlemen.
This lowly sea creature
has disclosed to Dr. Elmo Most
her secret of the most
powerful glue known on earth.
But, you may ask,
what does this mean
to the average man?
What does this mean
to the average man?
Pop, please!
Well, he said "You
may ask," so I asked.
Let's find out.
Let's take a stroll down the
lane and see who we run into.
Who is that?
His name is Oscar.
POP: Hi, Oscar.
Sir? Yes, sir.
You look like an
average man. Thank you.
May I ask you of your
experiences with glue?
Oh, I have had terrible
experiences with glue, sir.
I can't seem to find
a satisfactory glue
that would satisfy
all my glue needs.
And do most of your
friends feel the same way?
Yes, they do.
We wish we could find
a glue that we could...
Trust. Trust.
Thank you, stranger.
Well, Mr. Average
Man, you're in luck.
Have you ever heard
of Elmo's Barnacle Glue?
Elmo's Barnacle Glue.
What an interesting name.
Do you know of the
amazing properties
of Elmo's Barnacle
Glue? No... and, and...
(sotto voce): Felix.
What's the matter?
My filling just fell out.
Thank you, Mr. Average Man.
Good actor.
Now for our demonstration.
Uh... is-is that the
end of the story?
Yes.
I only stay for the stories.
You can do what you want, John,
but I'd buy some of his glue.
If it's good enough for
Oscar, it's good enough for me.
Thanks for the horsie.
Now that my father's gone,
let's get down to business.
What does your glue do?
I'll give you two minutes.
Yes, sir, well, two
minutes, two minutes.
Exactly what I
need. Two minutes.
Sir, before you
came into the room,
I took the liberty of applying
Elmo's Barnacle Glue
to several objects in this room.
As a matter of fact,
the legs of the very
chair you're sitting in
have been neatly sawed
off and glued back with
Elmo's Barnacle Glue.
You look a little skeptical.
I was a skeptic
once myself, sir,
until a friend came to my home
and showed me an
amazing demonstration.
He glued my phone.
A glued phone, you say?
What could that do?
Let's find out when we
try to answer the phone.
Ring!
I'm sorry I can't talk now.
I thought you glued
the phone. I did.
Let's look around
us and see what else
we see. Ah!
A pencil glued
to a bowling ball.
A bowling ball
picked up by a pencil?
Impossible, you
say... As indeed it is.
Write down that
word, impossible...
Mr. Unger, I think
I've seen quite enough.
Pleas, just let us show you
one more thing. Please sit down.
Please.
Well, I think our two
minutes is about up.
Felix, this was real exciting.
When that guy hit
the floor... (laughs)
I almost died.
(laughing)
(stops laughing)
I just talked to Elmo.
He figured out what was wrong.
Barnacle glue won't hold
for any length of
time unless it's wet.
Water is the secret ingredient.
Some scientist.
Then how come
your filling fell out?
Well, you made me so nervous
with that cockamamie
presentation,
my mouth went dry.
MURRAY: So long, guys.
Well, we lost our money.
No. He's gonna give
us back our investment.
How come?
The Glueco Corporation
is gonna give him a
grant to do some research.
They think he could
beat the problem.
They said we
shouldn't have rushed
into making a presentation.
Well, then it's all
for the best, though.
We're still in
business. No, we're not.
They're giving him the
money under one condition...
He gets rid of us.
He wouldn't sell us out.
Are you kidding? He wouldn't
even replace my filling.
He gave me the name
of another dentist.
So Elmo's the only one who
came out ahead, huh? Yeah.
Well, my Katrinka, my dear...
would you like me to show
you how we jar the glue?
Ja.
I mean, put the caps on it?
Ja.
Good. Well, come
right this way, my dear.
Ja.
Ja, right this way.
Ja.
Guess he got tired of
playing with the horsie.
What's that stuff you're making?
Egg salad.
Good, too. Not like that
ersatz you brought home.
Want a taste?
No. I'm not hungry.
I'm still upset about that glue.
Yeah. Well, it
wasn't in the cards.
I don't know.
I thought it was a sure thing.
I, I was counting
the royalties already.
Oscar, guys like
us, we're just...
We're not supposed
to win the jackpot.
That's all there is to it.
Yeah, I guess it's the breaks.
I remember when I was a
kid, I hit a ball down the sewer.
I went looking for it, and I
found there a bag of money.
So I went for it, see,
and I, I ripped my pants
I split my forehead,
but I got it.
And I brought it home
to my mother; she said,
"You gotta bring it
around to the neighborhood
and find out who it belongs to.
So I went out, and I found
that the Koropkins Tailor
Shop had been robbed, see.
So I went home and she said,
"Now you gotta
take it back to him;
maybe he'll give you a reward."
Did he?
Yeah. He sewed up my pants.