The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 12 - The Exorcists - full transcript
Felix feels that their apartment has an air conditioner that is haunted.
Oscar?
(moans)
I want to talk to you.
(moans)
Wh-Which lump are you?
Ohhh.
Have you been sleepwalking?
Where would I go in
the middle of the night?
What's the matter?
I don't know... There...
there's strange noises.
I hear moaning and groaning.
And then I heard loud footsteps.
Then something like
a... a ticking sound.
What could it be?
Fat mice with pocket watches?
(mutters)
Come on, Oscar.
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a ghost.
There's no such
thing as ghosts...
(grunts)
There are strange
things going on at night.
Put out the light
and you won't see it.
I know it. (opens door)
(suspenseful music plays)
There must be some
logical explanation.
(mutters) (creaking)
(screams)
Oscar!
Huh?!
Did you feel a... a
slight earthquake?
No.
Did you loosen the
picture over the fireplace?
No.
Then we've got a ghost!
Well, tell him to keep it
down. I'm trying to sleep.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
The paint doesn't
quite match, does it?
Well, you're gonna put the
picture back up, aren't you?
Well, yes, but...
Then who'll know?
Well, I'll know.
But don't tell anybody.
It's a very, very peculiar
thing about that picture...
falling off the wall in the
middle of the night last night.
Well, things happen.
You know this is an
old building, you know.
Old plaster, old ceiling,
old walls, old floors... old!
You've been here a
long time, haven't you?
I'm also old.
In the time you've been
the superintendent here,
have the tenants ever complained
about... noises in the night?
What kind?
It's very difficult to explain.
Sort of like... (eerie moaning)
Not since they closed the
Mexican restaurant downstairs.
Who was the former
tenant in this apartment?
Well, Irving Cohan.
A strange guy.
A retired postman.
Never went anywheres,
never saw anybody.
Come down in the morning,
get his mail and
throw it in the garbage.
Would you know why he moved?
Yes. Death.
You wouldn't happen to know the
reasons for his death, would you?
No. There are two
things I learned on this job.
Never ask any questions,
and be here Christmas Day.
Well, I gotta be
going, Mr. Unger.
See you at Christmas.
Ee-ow, boy!
What, are you still jumpy?
The paint doesn't match.
We've got a problem.
What kind of problem?
Things that go
bump in the night.
Pictures falling off walls...
Felix, I think your new nasal
spray's making you hallucinate.
Ever since I played
Hamlet, junior high,
I've been fascinated by ghosts.
Also I haven't been able to
make a simple decision, but that's...
Oscar... does the name
Irving Cohan ring a bell?
In Hamlet?
Let me see...
"Alas, poor Irving, I
knew..." No, it doesn't...
How did you get this apartment?
Like everybody in New
York got their apartment.
How, precisely?
Precisely by looking
in the obituary columns
to see who died in a
good neighborhood,
then rushing around and
grabbing their apartment.
And yet you've never
heard of Irving Cohan?
Oh, that Irving...
The guy who died so I
could get the apartment.
I remember... Aha.
What "aha"? What?
Don't you see?
What?
He's come back.
Why?
For his deposit?
Irving the postman is our ghost.
(whispers): I can feel it.
He's come back for something.
Oscar... when you
moved in here...
was there anything... anything
at all... in the apartment?
No...!
Nothing!
Come on!
Was there a box? A crate?
Old clothes?
Felix, there was nothing in
here except the air conditioner.
The air conditioner!
I've always sensed
something strange
about this air conditioner.
If Irving's come back,
this is where he is.
Let's put it on exhaust
and blow him out.
You're not taking this
seriously, are you...?
Of course, I'm not. What...?
We've got a legitimate problem.
We've got to tackle it
logically, rationally,
scientifically.
How you gonna do that?
I'm going to hold a seance.
You gonna bring in a Gypsy
lady, a lot of people sit around
the table and make
it go up and down?
I'm not gonna
bring in some phony.
I'll do it myself.
Well, count me out.
You're not gonna be here
for my seance? Of course not.
But suppose I contact Irving
and he wants to ask for you?
Take a message.
Om...
Om...
Om... Boy! This is spooky.
Yeah, look at all this stuff.
FELIX: Om...
That's a real skull!
I'm scared.
I wonder how he died.
Ommm...
Probably from that
candle stuck in his head.
(dramatically): Oh, spirit
of the great unknown...
move into our magic circle.
And sign in, please.
(chuckling)
This won't work unless
we're all very serious.
Now... repeat after me... Om...
Om... Om... Om...
Ah...
Ah... Ah... Ah...
(honks)
(honks) (honks) (honks)
Don't repeat
that. That's just...
The incense went up my nose.
(honks)
Now, everybody hold
hands and close your eyes.
It's very important that
you keep your eyes closed.
Hmm...
Hmm... Hmm... Hmm...
Oh, spirits of other worlds,
grace us with your presence...
(all moaning)
Oh, somewhere out
in the great unknown...
we know there's a spirit
named Irving Cohan.
Hey, Felix, that rhymes.
(moaning continues)
Oh, multitudinous
spirits of the infinite...
(nearby rattling) we
wish to communicate...
I think it got
through, Mr. Unger.
(loud humming resumes)
Look at this.
(screams) (moaning stops)
Looks like an
orgy in a lifeboat.
Oh... Oscar!
You're just in time, Mr. M.
Yeah, Oscar, we're
having a seance.
Oh, he's not
interested in a seance.
That's true, that is true.
May we please continue
in peace?! In a minute.
You got your spirits;
let me get my spirits.
Don't you want to get in
touch with another world?
Yeah, and these are
gonna help me, baby.
All right, now everybody hold
hands and moan and sway.
This time try to
moan... not in harmony.
(all moaning together)
(Oscar moaning more forcefully)
We are gathered
in this magic circle
to make contact
with the spirits...
FELIX: Oh, Spirits, make
your presence known.
MURRAY: Is something
supposed to happen now?
MYRNA: Yeah, there's
supposed to be a clanging
or tapping, right, Mr. Unger?
FELIX: Yes. One tap for
"yes", two taps for "no."
Spirit, are you here?
(moaning continues)
(loud thump) (moaning stops)
(loud thump)
"No"?
A-Are you sure you got
your instructions right?
(loud thump)
"Yes."
Then you're not here.
That-That means...
are you someplace else?
(loud thump)
FELIX: The great beyond?
(loud thump)
(moaning resumes)
He's reading us
loud and clear, Felix!
MYRNA: It's getting spooky.
(loud moaning)
(tapping) Oh, spirit... spirit!
(clanging) We
hear your footsteps.
Irving!
Irving Cohan, we
feel your closeness.
(loud clanging) He's coming
closer, he's coming closer.
He's here! He's here!
(loud clanging) We
feel your closeness.
Keep your eyes
closed or he'll go away.
I want him to go away.
Oh, Irving, Irving, do you
have a message for us?
Yes, a chain letter.
(cackling) (gasps)
That just about does
it, Mr. Practical Joker!
Aw, come on. I was
just having a little fun.
Fun?! You think it's fun to
shatter a solemn ceremony?
Felix, what solemn ceremony?
You always go too far.
Now, come on, let this
be the end of the ghost...
No! It's not the end of the ghost,
'cause I know there are ghosts.
I just know it!
(woman's shrill scream)
What's that?
It sounded like a scream.
S-Somebody do something!
Oh, it's just Oscar
fooling around.
(gasps) (screaming continues)
Oh, I think it's
Myrna! Oh, Myrna!
OSCAR: I got the ghost.
I'm bringing it right out.
What?
Here.
Oh!
From the great beyond.
(cooing) It's a pigeon.
It was behind the radiator.
Must have got stuck in the vent.
Oh, the poor pigeon.
Means I'll be up all night
cleaning behind the radiator.
Poor little thing, it must
be scared out of its wits.
Must have been back
there for days. Three days.
That's how long you've been
hearing ghosts, right, Felix?
Three days? Right.
MIRIAM: What are we
gonna do about the ghost?
MYRNA: If nobody wants
the pigeon, I'll take him.
There's a lot of statues
in my neighborhood.
Good night, Felix.
You coming up later?
I don't know.
Well, let me know
when you decide.
One tap for "yes,"
two taps for "no."
(chuckles)
Bye!
Bye-bye.
Eh, good night, guys.
I had a real swell time, Oscar.
Felix...
Boogey, boogey, boogey!
I'm sorry, Oscar. I...
Don't be sorry. Forget it.
I feel so foolish.
I should have known there
was a logical explanation.
That's it. Everybody
makes mistakes.
You just make more
than most people, that's all.
(sighs): Oh, boy, I sure do.
Ghosts in the air conditioner.
Want some pizza?
No, no. I'll just...
clean up the wax on the table.
Here's to no more ghosts.
No more ghosts.
(whooshing)
(tap at door)
FELIX: Mr. Unger and
Mr. Madison to see Dr. Clove.
We have an appointment.
Will you tell
Dr. Clove we're here?
He knows.
If I see an operating
table I'm gettin' outta here.
This stuff is
just all for effect.
Well, it's having its effect.
It's giving me the creeps.
Felix, I saw this movie.
See, our car's supposed
to have broken down,
we came here to use the phone.
Good evening.
Dr. Clove, I'm...
I'm Felix Unger.
This is Oscar Madison.
MORT: He knows.
Thank you, Mort.
Is this a potion?
Not unless Italian Swiss
Colony makes a potion.
To the unknown.
CLOVE (sighs): Now...
what may I do for you gentlemen?
Doctor, um... I'm
sure you'll understand.
We believe we have a ghost.
(chuckling)
A ghost! That's a good one!
(hearty laughter)
Mr. Unger...
There are no such
things as ghosts.
Right.
Spirits, yes, but ghosts...
You have a spirit, Mr. Unger.
Ghosts, indeed!
What do you think?
They run around wearing
white sheets over their heads
with little black
cutouts for eyes?
Don't worry. Sit down.
You came to the right place.
I... can... help you
contact your spirit.
Oh, no, no, we don't want to
contact him. We want to get rid of him.
You got something
against spirits?
No. (mutters) It's just that
our apartment is so small
it's hardly big enough
for the two of us.
I know that.
I know... all things.
When can you help us?
I don't know. I'd better
look at the calendar.
Let's see... Uh...
tomorrow I got
Weight Watchers, uh...
Wednesday I slap a
hex on the landlord.
That'll be bad all day...
Friday I got a blind date
with... (chuckles)
No... I think...
I can do it tonight,
but I will have to charge
you for a house call.
Oh, Dr. Clove... exactly
what kind of doctor are you?
I'm an orthodontist.
But I gave all
that up years ago.
Ah, this is my real
love... the occult.
You like all this spooky stuff?
It beats cleaning bubble
gum out of braces.
Y-You think you can help us?
I have never failed.
If there is indeed an
unfriendly spirit in your home,
I know what must be done.
An exorcism.
You're kiddin'!
Uh-uh.
I will expel the spirit tonight.
I'll arrive five
minutes before 12:00.
If I ascertain the
presence of a spirit,
we will proceed
with the exorcism.
You will have
prepared for my arrival...
Bay leaves, a clove garlic,
incense and half a chicken.
Half a chicken?
Yeah. Sometimes around
midnight I get a little hungry.
And now, gentlemen,
here's an old favorite of mine.
And I hope it's one of yours.
(big-band intro plays)
(organ solo plays)
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
You notice anything?
You going to make
some ready quip?
Oh, yeah.
You look like the
Count of Monte Hall.
That's very funny.
This is for the exorcism.
Dr. Clove didn't tell
you to dress like that.
But I've been doing
some research on my own.
This-This is authentic.
This is real garlic.
Aw, come on.
That's the real thing. (grunts)
Look, I didn't get this
in some schlock shop.
(door buzzes) Great!
Igor will answer
the door. (groaning)
Please, please... Good evening.
Where's the chicken?
Come on in.
(cackles)
That's authentic.
(laughs)
Oh!
Pardon me, Mr. Unger.
How a man dresses in
the privacy of his home
is his... his own business.
I'm only laughing
'cause you look funny.
This is for the exorcism.
Uh... Mr. Unger,
that costume is used
only for cases of
demonic possession
and sometimes
for trick or treat,
but it doesn't work here.
Now... Where is the spook?
Aye?
FELIX: We strongly
suspect the air conditioner.
Uh-huh.
Oscar found it here
when he moved in.
I know. I know all things!
Yes...
There does seem
to be something here.
Ohh!
Yes, I'm picking up
particularly strong vibrations.
The spirit?
Possibly.
You think so?
Oh, come on! If the spirit came
with the air conditioner, why
was it quiet all these years?
We never heard moans
or groans or anything.
That's not very difficult
to explain, is it, Dr. Clove?
Yes, it is.
But the important thing
is to put that soul to rest.
Then you recommend an exorcism?
Oh, I don't see any other way.
And I can do it
for you... for $500.
$500?!
The air conditioner
doesn't cost that much!
(smacks lips)
W-Would you excuse
us for a minute?
Just... What?
Are you crazy?
It's a lot of money, isn't
it? You bet your life it is.
What choice have we got,
though? We got thousands of ch...
I can think of three
right off the bat. What?
First, get a new
air conditioner.
Second, get rid of him
and third, you can move out.
Uh... fellows, look...
I was born with
six sharp senses, huh?
So I can perceive your dilemma.
You're cheap people.
Right?
No, we just...
we just don't have
that kind of money.
I-I've done a little research
in exorcism myself...
I... I think I... I
could handle it.
We have an old saying
in the spirit game:
"What you don't know
can hurt you a whole lot."
I... I think we'll just
take our chances.
Eh... very well.
But look, at least you two
got six dollars between you.
We're not spending a
nickel on anything but beer.
Hmm...
What-What miracle do
you perform for six dollars?
Aha!
I hand you my book.
"How to Exorcise At Home."
Huh? Six bucks.
(sighs) Thank you, Mr. Unger.
At least now with the book,
you have a chance
to do something right.
Farewell, Mr. Unger.
So long, Sport!
(whooshing)
Oscar! Look!
Look! Ah!
But the instant the doctor
left, the spirit was angered.
Come on, let's exorcise it.
Come on. Come on. We'll
use the book. Come on.
Felix, I'm not gonna sit
around all night and talk
to an air conditioner. Oh,
come on. Help me, please.
No, I'm not gonna
do... All right for you!
I'll do it all by myself.
Now, it says here:
"Chant to it in a
high, nasal voice."
(high-pitched, nasal moan)
Don't stop now, Felix.
A snake is comin'
out of the cookie jar.
Try the garlic. Try the garlic.
Oh, please...
I'll drive you away
with this sprig of garlic.
You're gonna drive me away.
You're smelling
up the whole room.
Go home.
Go back where you came from.
Leave... at once!
This is your last chance.
Come on, Irv!
Aw, come on Oscar,
help me, please.
How can I help you?
From the book.
Fo... use the book.
Oh, all right, I'll try.
It's good. It's good.
You see?
Yeah... (turns pages)
Get out! Get out! Get out!
(thumping, loud twanging)
You did it! You did it!
The spirit's gone.
The spirit left the
air conditioner.
No, the spring left
the air conditioner.
No, no, no, no!
You just won't admit
the occult truth, will you?
Now, you're as big a
believer as I am, aren't you?
You believe that after
you see the spring?
Well, of course.
The evidence of your own senses.
Didn't you see what happened?
Maybe you're right, maybe I
got something... Why, of course.
Hey, Felix, look at this. What?
It says once the spirit is gone, to
keep it away you gotta do this chant.
Oh... Yeah, let's do it, okay?
Well... I'll do it. (mutters)
Do it together, all right? Yeah.
Oh wah.
Oh wah.
Ta goo. Ta goo.
Siam.
Siam.
Keep doing it.
Oh wah ta goo Siam.
Put it closer together.
Oh wah ta goo Siam.
Faster, faster!
Oh wah ta goo Si... Oh,
come on. We did that at camp!
What are you smiling about?
Hmm... Just...
events of this evening
had me thinking.
You ever wonder what
it's like on the other side?
The last bye 'n' bye...
Last foxtrot! (smacks lips)
You know what I
think it'll be like?
It'll be very clean.
It'll be like a fine hotel
where the linen is
changed every day.
And every night
I'll go to the opera.
It'll be conducted by Toscanini,
and Caruso will be singing.
Why are you smiling?
I pictured heaven
exactly that way.
Hmm.
Except without you.
The devil made me do it.
(hearty chuckling)
(moans)
I want to talk to you.
(moans)
Wh-Which lump are you?
Ohhh.
Have you been sleepwalking?
Where would I go in
the middle of the night?
What's the matter?
I don't know... There...
there's strange noises.
I hear moaning and groaning.
And then I heard loud footsteps.
Then something like
a... a ticking sound.
What could it be?
Fat mice with pocket watches?
(mutters)
Come on, Oscar.
What do you think it is?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a ghost.
There's no such
thing as ghosts...
(grunts)
There are strange
things going on at night.
Put out the light
and you won't see it.
I know it. (opens door)
(suspenseful music plays)
There must be some
logical explanation.
(mutters) (creaking)
(screams)
Oscar!
Huh?!
Did you feel a... a
slight earthquake?
No.
Did you loosen the
picture over the fireplace?
No.
Then we've got a ghost!
Well, tell him to keep it
down. I'm trying to sleep.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
The paint doesn't
quite match, does it?
Well, you're gonna put the
picture back up, aren't you?
Well, yes, but...
Then who'll know?
Well, I'll know.
But don't tell anybody.
It's a very, very peculiar
thing about that picture...
falling off the wall in the
middle of the night last night.
Well, things happen.
You know this is an
old building, you know.
Old plaster, old ceiling,
old walls, old floors... old!
You've been here a
long time, haven't you?
I'm also old.
In the time you've been
the superintendent here,
have the tenants ever complained
about... noises in the night?
What kind?
It's very difficult to explain.
Sort of like... (eerie moaning)
Not since they closed the
Mexican restaurant downstairs.
Who was the former
tenant in this apartment?
Well, Irving Cohan.
A strange guy.
A retired postman.
Never went anywheres,
never saw anybody.
Come down in the morning,
get his mail and
throw it in the garbage.
Would you know why he moved?
Yes. Death.
You wouldn't happen to know the
reasons for his death, would you?
No. There are two
things I learned on this job.
Never ask any questions,
and be here Christmas Day.
Well, I gotta be
going, Mr. Unger.
See you at Christmas.
Ee-ow, boy!
What, are you still jumpy?
The paint doesn't match.
We've got a problem.
What kind of problem?
Things that go
bump in the night.
Pictures falling off walls...
Felix, I think your new nasal
spray's making you hallucinate.
Ever since I played
Hamlet, junior high,
I've been fascinated by ghosts.
Also I haven't been able to
make a simple decision, but that's...
Oscar... does the name
Irving Cohan ring a bell?
In Hamlet?
Let me see...
"Alas, poor Irving, I
knew..." No, it doesn't...
How did you get this apartment?
Like everybody in New
York got their apartment.
How, precisely?
Precisely by looking
in the obituary columns
to see who died in a
good neighborhood,
then rushing around and
grabbing their apartment.
And yet you've never
heard of Irving Cohan?
Oh, that Irving...
The guy who died so I
could get the apartment.
I remember... Aha.
What "aha"? What?
Don't you see?
What?
He's come back.
Why?
For his deposit?
Irving the postman is our ghost.
(whispers): I can feel it.
He's come back for something.
Oscar... when you
moved in here...
was there anything... anything
at all... in the apartment?
No...!
Nothing!
Come on!
Was there a box? A crate?
Old clothes?
Felix, there was nothing in
here except the air conditioner.
The air conditioner!
I've always sensed
something strange
about this air conditioner.
If Irving's come back,
this is where he is.
Let's put it on exhaust
and blow him out.
You're not taking this
seriously, are you...?
Of course, I'm not. What...?
We've got a legitimate problem.
We've got to tackle it
logically, rationally,
scientifically.
How you gonna do that?
I'm going to hold a seance.
You gonna bring in a Gypsy
lady, a lot of people sit around
the table and make
it go up and down?
I'm not gonna
bring in some phony.
I'll do it myself.
Well, count me out.
You're not gonna be here
for my seance? Of course not.
But suppose I contact Irving
and he wants to ask for you?
Take a message.
Om...
Om...
Om... Boy! This is spooky.
Yeah, look at all this stuff.
FELIX: Om...
That's a real skull!
I'm scared.
I wonder how he died.
Ommm...
Probably from that
candle stuck in his head.
(dramatically): Oh, spirit
of the great unknown...
move into our magic circle.
And sign in, please.
(chuckling)
This won't work unless
we're all very serious.
Now... repeat after me... Om...
Om... Om... Om...
Ah...
Ah... Ah... Ah...
(honks)
(honks) (honks) (honks)
Don't repeat
that. That's just...
The incense went up my nose.
(honks)
Now, everybody hold
hands and close your eyes.
It's very important that
you keep your eyes closed.
Hmm...
Hmm... Hmm... Hmm...
Oh, spirits of other worlds,
grace us with your presence...
(all moaning)
Oh, somewhere out
in the great unknown...
we know there's a spirit
named Irving Cohan.
Hey, Felix, that rhymes.
(moaning continues)
Oh, multitudinous
spirits of the infinite...
(nearby rattling) we
wish to communicate...
I think it got
through, Mr. Unger.
(loud humming resumes)
Look at this.
(screams) (moaning stops)
Looks like an
orgy in a lifeboat.
Oh... Oscar!
You're just in time, Mr. M.
Yeah, Oscar, we're
having a seance.
Oh, he's not
interested in a seance.
That's true, that is true.
May we please continue
in peace?! In a minute.
You got your spirits;
let me get my spirits.
Don't you want to get in
touch with another world?
Yeah, and these are
gonna help me, baby.
All right, now everybody hold
hands and moan and sway.
This time try to
moan... not in harmony.
(all moaning together)
(Oscar moaning more forcefully)
We are gathered
in this magic circle
to make contact
with the spirits...
FELIX: Oh, Spirits, make
your presence known.
MURRAY: Is something
supposed to happen now?
MYRNA: Yeah, there's
supposed to be a clanging
or tapping, right, Mr. Unger?
FELIX: Yes. One tap for
"yes", two taps for "no."
Spirit, are you here?
(moaning continues)
(loud thump) (moaning stops)
(loud thump)
"No"?
A-Are you sure you got
your instructions right?
(loud thump)
"Yes."
Then you're not here.
That-That means...
are you someplace else?
(loud thump)
FELIX: The great beyond?
(loud thump)
(moaning resumes)
He's reading us
loud and clear, Felix!
MYRNA: It's getting spooky.
(loud moaning)
(tapping) Oh, spirit... spirit!
(clanging) We
hear your footsteps.
Irving!
Irving Cohan, we
feel your closeness.
(loud clanging) He's coming
closer, he's coming closer.
He's here! He's here!
(loud clanging) We
feel your closeness.
Keep your eyes
closed or he'll go away.
I want him to go away.
Oh, Irving, Irving, do you
have a message for us?
Yes, a chain letter.
(cackling) (gasps)
That just about does
it, Mr. Practical Joker!
Aw, come on. I was
just having a little fun.
Fun?! You think it's fun to
shatter a solemn ceremony?
Felix, what solemn ceremony?
You always go too far.
Now, come on, let this
be the end of the ghost...
No! It's not the end of the ghost,
'cause I know there are ghosts.
I just know it!
(woman's shrill scream)
What's that?
It sounded like a scream.
S-Somebody do something!
Oh, it's just Oscar
fooling around.
(gasps) (screaming continues)
Oh, I think it's
Myrna! Oh, Myrna!
OSCAR: I got the ghost.
I'm bringing it right out.
What?
Here.
Oh!
From the great beyond.
(cooing) It's a pigeon.
It was behind the radiator.
Must have got stuck in the vent.
Oh, the poor pigeon.
Means I'll be up all night
cleaning behind the radiator.
Poor little thing, it must
be scared out of its wits.
Must have been back
there for days. Three days.
That's how long you've been
hearing ghosts, right, Felix?
Three days? Right.
MIRIAM: What are we
gonna do about the ghost?
MYRNA: If nobody wants
the pigeon, I'll take him.
There's a lot of statues
in my neighborhood.
Good night, Felix.
You coming up later?
I don't know.
Well, let me know
when you decide.
One tap for "yes,"
two taps for "no."
(chuckles)
Bye!
Bye-bye.
Eh, good night, guys.
I had a real swell time, Oscar.
Felix...
Boogey, boogey, boogey!
I'm sorry, Oscar. I...
Don't be sorry. Forget it.
I feel so foolish.
I should have known there
was a logical explanation.
That's it. Everybody
makes mistakes.
You just make more
than most people, that's all.
(sighs): Oh, boy, I sure do.
Ghosts in the air conditioner.
Want some pizza?
No, no. I'll just...
clean up the wax on the table.
Here's to no more ghosts.
No more ghosts.
(whooshing)
(tap at door)
FELIX: Mr. Unger and
Mr. Madison to see Dr. Clove.
We have an appointment.
Will you tell
Dr. Clove we're here?
He knows.
If I see an operating
table I'm gettin' outta here.
This stuff is
just all for effect.
Well, it's having its effect.
It's giving me the creeps.
Felix, I saw this movie.
See, our car's supposed
to have broken down,
we came here to use the phone.
Good evening.
Dr. Clove, I'm...
I'm Felix Unger.
This is Oscar Madison.
MORT: He knows.
Thank you, Mort.
Is this a potion?
Not unless Italian Swiss
Colony makes a potion.
To the unknown.
CLOVE (sighs): Now...
what may I do for you gentlemen?
Doctor, um... I'm
sure you'll understand.
We believe we have a ghost.
(chuckling)
A ghost! That's a good one!
(hearty laughter)
Mr. Unger...
There are no such
things as ghosts.
Right.
Spirits, yes, but ghosts...
You have a spirit, Mr. Unger.
Ghosts, indeed!
What do you think?
They run around wearing
white sheets over their heads
with little black
cutouts for eyes?
Don't worry. Sit down.
You came to the right place.
I... can... help you
contact your spirit.
Oh, no, no, we don't want to
contact him. We want to get rid of him.
You got something
against spirits?
No. (mutters) It's just that
our apartment is so small
it's hardly big enough
for the two of us.
I know that.
I know... all things.
When can you help us?
I don't know. I'd better
look at the calendar.
Let's see... Uh...
tomorrow I got
Weight Watchers, uh...
Wednesday I slap a
hex on the landlord.
That'll be bad all day...
Friday I got a blind date
with... (chuckles)
No... I think...
I can do it tonight,
but I will have to charge
you for a house call.
Oh, Dr. Clove... exactly
what kind of doctor are you?
I'm an orthodontist.
But I gave all
that up years ago.
Ah, this is my real
love... the occult.
You like all this spooky stuff?
It beats cleaning bubble
gum out of braces.
Y-You think you can help us?
I have never failed.
If there is indeed an
unfriendly spirit in your home,
I know what must be done.
An exorcism.
You're kiddin'!
Uh-uh.
I will expel the spirit tonight.
I'll arrive five
minutes before 12:00.
If I ascertain the
presence of a spirit,
we will proceed
with the exorcism.
You will have
prepared for my arrival...
Bay leaves, a clove garlic,
incense and half a chicken.
Half a chicken?
Yeah. Sometimes around
midnight I get a little hungry.
And now, gentlemen,
here's an old favorite of mine.
And I hope it's one of yours.
(big-band intro plays)
(organ solo plays)
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
You notice anything?
You going to make
some ready quip?
Oh, yeah.
You look like the
Count of Monte Hall.
That's very funny.
This is for the exorcism.
Dr. Clove didn't tell
you to dress like that.
But I've been doing
some research on my own.
This-This is authentic.
This is real garlic.
Aw, come on.
That's the real thing. (grunts)
Look, I didn't get this
in some schlock shop.
(door buzzes) Great!
Igor will answer
the door. (groaning)
Please, please... Good evening.
Where's the chicken?
Come on in.
(cackles)
That's authentic.
(laughs)
Oh!
Pardon me, Mr. Unger.
How a man dresses in
the privacy of his home
is his... his own business.
I'm only laughing
'cause you look funny.
This is for the exorcism.
Uh... Mr. Unger,
that costume is used
only for cases of
demonic possession
and sometimes
for trick or treat,
but it doesn't work here.
Now... Where is the spook?
Aye?
FELIX: We strongly
suspect the air conditioner.
Uh-huh.
Oscar found it here
when he moved in.
I know. I know all things!
Yes...
There does seem
to be something here.
Ohh!
Yes, I'm picking up
particularly strong vibrations.
The spirit?
Possibly.
You think so?
Oh, come on! If the spirit came
with the air conditioner, why
was it quiet all these years?
We never heard moans
or groans or anything.
That's not very difficult
to explain, is it, Dr. Clove?
Yes, it is.
But the important thing
is to put that soul to rest.
Then you recommend an exorcism?
Oh, I don't see any other way.
And I can do it
for you... for $500.
$500?!
The air conditioner
doesn't cost that much!
(smacks lips)
W-Would you excuse
us for a minute?
Just... What?
Are you crazy?
It's a lot of money, isn't
it? You bet your life it is.
What choice have we got,
though? We got thousands of ch...
I can think of three
right off the bat. What?
First, get a new
air conditioner.
Second, get rid of him
and third, you can move out.
Uh... fellows, look...
I was born with
six sharp senses, huh?
So I can perceive your dilemma.
You're cheap people.
Right?
No, we just...
we just don't have
that kind of money.
I-I've done a little research
in exorcism myself...
I... I think I... I
could handle it.
We have an old saying
in the spirit game:
"What you don't know
can hurt you a whole lot."
I... I think we'll just
take our chances.
Eh... very well.
But look, at least you two
got six dollars between you.
We're not spending a
nickel on anything but beer.
Hmm...
What-What miracle do
you perform for six dollars?
Aha!
I hand you my book.
"How to Exorcise At Home."
Huh? Six bucks.
(sighs) Thank you, Mr. Unger.
At least now with the book,
you have a chance
to do something right.
Farewell, Mr. Unger.
So long, Sport!
(whooshing)
Oscar! Look!
Look! Ah!
But the instant the doctor
left, the spirit was angered.
Come on, let's exorcise it.
Come on. Come on. We'll
use the book. Come on.
Felix, I'm not gonna sit
around all night and talk
to an air conditioner. Oh,
come on. Help me, please.
No, I'm not gonna
do... All right for you!
I'll do it all by myself.
Now, it says here:
"Chant to it in a
high, nasal voice."
(high-pitched, nasal moan)
Don't stop now, Felix.
A snake is comin'
out of the cookie jar.
Try the garlic. Try the garlic.
Oh, please...
I'll drive you away
with this sprig of garlic.
You're gonna drive me away.
You're smelling
up the whole room.
Go home.
Go back where you came from.
Leave... at once!
This is your last chance.
Come on, Irv!
Aw, come on Oscar,
help me, please.
How can I help you?
From the book.
Fo... use the book.
Oh, all right, I'll try.
It's good. It's good.
You see?
Yeah... (turns pages)
Get out! Get out! Get out!
(thumping, loud twanging)
You did it! You did it!
The spirit's gone.
The spirit left the
air conditioner.
No, the spring left
the air conditioner.
No, no, no, no!
You just won't admit
the occult truth, will you?
Now, you're as big a
believer as I am, aren't you?
You believe that after
you see the spring?
Well, of course.
The evidence of your own senses.
Didn't you see what happened?
Maybe you're right, maybe I
got something... Why, of course.
Hey, Felix, look at this. What?
It says once the spirit is gone, to
keep it away you gotta do this chant.
Oh... Yeah, let's do it, okay?
Well... I'll do it. (mutters)
Do it together, all right? Yeah.
Oh wah.
Oh wah.
Ta goo. Ta goo.
Siam.
Siam.
Keep doing it.
Oh wah ta goo Siam.
Put it closer together.
Oh wah ta goo Siam.
Faster, faster!
Oh wah ta goo Si... Oh,
come on. We did that at camp!
What are you smiling about?
Hmm... Just...
events of this evening
had me thinking.
You ever wonder what
it's like on the other side?
The last bye 'n' bye...
Last foxtrot! (smacks lips)
You know what I
think it'll be like?
It'll be very clean.
It'll be like a fine hotel
where the linen is
changed every day.
And every night
I'll go to the opera.
It'll be conducted by Toscanini,
and Caruso will be singing.
Why are you smiling?
I pictured heaven
exactly that way.
Hmm.
Except without you.
The devil made me do it.
(hearty chuckling)