The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 11 - Maid for Each Other - full transcript

Okay, guys, you got
a half a minute to go!

Yes, indeedy. Here. Hey!

Hey, Oscar is leading,
but Leon is catching up.

That is not fair. He's
not eating the crust.

COWORKER: Leon!

Eat the crust!

Murray!

You got cheese on your nose.

Eat! Five, four, three,
two, one... that's it!

Okay. No, no, no, no! Not fair!

What he's chewing
now doesn't count.



Okay, okay, the
official results...

Oscar wins, Leon to
place, Murray shows.

OSCAR: That sore loser.

I want a return match
with cottage cheese.

I'm supposed to be on a diet.

And now a bonus for the winner.

One pizza with everything on it.

I think I'd better frame it.

What is this?

The Wide World of Gluttony?

Fun's over, fellas.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hey, you really missed it.

You should have seen Oscar
eating up all those pizzas!



I've seen it, I've heard
it, I've cleaned it up!

You've got cheese on your nose.

Here.

What'd you do, bring me a puppy?

A dog wouldn't go
out on a night like this.

Look, fellas, he's
paper-trained.

(guffaws)

Okay.

What's that?

It's your ex-dinner
that I cooked for you

that you didn't
come home to eat.

Please, don't do that
in front of the guys.

I want the guys to know how
this good food burned to death

'cause you didn't come home.

Boy, that Oscar sure
has a uppity cook!

MURRAY: No, it's his roommate.

They're having a 602...
Domestic squabble.

We'd better go.

I think you're right.

So long, Oscar. Oh, wait, wait.

I got plenty of beer.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't think the Galloping
Gourmet would like it.

So long, Champ.

You embarrass me like that,

coming down here with a
basket like Little Red Riding Hood.

Do you know what time it is?

It is 9:32.

So what?

You said you'd be home at 6:30.

So I couldn't make it.

What's the big deal?

Does it mean nothing to you

that I slave to give
you a decent meal?

All right, I'll eat it.

You can't eat it. It's burned.

Then why'd you
bring it down here?

To teach you a lesson.

I don't need a
demonstration meal.

I'm not five years
old. Look at this.

What is this? What,
what, what, what, what?

All right, I'll tell
you what it is.

You're upsetting my
stomach, that's what it is.

I'm upsetting you? Yeah.

The nerve of the man.

He eats the Leaning Tower
of Pizza and he blame...

Oh, why bother? The
whole thing's a joke.

I just... I'm crazy to...

It doesn't matter what
I eat or when I eat it.

It's when you aggravate
me that it acts up.

Forgive me. It's all my fault.

It is your fault. I'm to blame.

I'm the scapegoat.

All right, from now on
we'll do things your way.

You'll cook for yourself,
you'll wash for yourself,

you'll clean up for yourself.

You won't have Felix Unger
to push around anymore.

Bon appetit!

You work your heart
out... do they appreciate it?

They appreciate nothing.

They appreciate nothing,
and they know nothing.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER The Odd Couple
was filmed in front of a live audience.

Here's a few potato
chips, finely ground,

some kidney beans and...

a few lima beans...
some garbanzo beans,

A little green
peppers... There we go.

Some ketchup...

It needs something yellow.

Now, that's a
nourishing breakfast.

Hey, that looks dry.

Ooh, nice and warm.

(humming)

I'll be through in a
couple of minutes.

The kitchen'll be all yours.

That's it, buddy.
It's all yours.

♪ ♪

(keys clattering)

Hi, old buddy. How you doing?

(humming)

What new heights of masochism
have you planned for tonight?

Chili dogs, burritos
and enchiladas...

and for dessert... a
chocolate Fudgcicle.

Set a match to you and you'd
go off like the Hindenburg.

Don't you know you can't

eat food like that
one after the other?

I know. That's why I'm gonna
make a stew out of it. See?

(humming)

Stew.

Yeah. Slobasborg.

Do me a favor. What? At least...

at least use a placemat.

I intend to. I intend to.

Aren't you afraid that the
food sitting there like that,

all the vitamins
will go out of it?

Oh, try it. You'll
love it. Here.

Take it, take it off my plate.

Take it off my plate!

I don't want my food
playing with your food.

It's not poison.

It won't kill you, you know.

Oh, Oscar, I-I can't
stand this, I can't.

It's gone on for two weeks
now. We have to talk.

Don't start again now.

I'm getting so nervous, I
think I'm getting an ulcer.

It's all that bland
food. Will you try

a burrito, please?

It's worrying about you.

Don't you know what's
going on in your stomach

right this minute?

Your ulcer is saying,
"It's so hot down here,

when's he gonna
eat the Fudgcicle?"

Felix, if you didn't
aggravate me,

I wouldn't have a talking ulcer.

I feel... just great.

I want to say, "Look out!
Here comes the hot stuff!"

I can't watch this.

I can't watch this.

I'm gonna eat in my room.

Felix, it may
surprise you to know

that I know how to take
better care of me than you do.

When you have an attack

and you're lying there
unconscious, don't yell for me.

I won't... 'cause you're
the one who'll be sick.

You're the one who
always takes all the pills.

You're the one who derives
nourishment from nose drops.

I'm fit as a fiddle, boy.

(quiet groan)

Operator, get me
the hospital, will you?

Of course it's an
emergency! Listen to this!

(groaning loudly)

It was gonna fall.

(exhales)

(whistles quietly)

Oscar?

Oscar.

What are you doing, Felix?

Does that hurt?

No.

Here? No.

Yeah, it hurts!

That's what I thought.

Felix, I've been probed and
tested all night... I'm bored.

And when I'm bored, I get tense.

When I get tense,
my ulcer acts up.

Why don't you watch television?

I can't... That guy's
foot is in my way.

I want to get out of here!

I'll see what I can do, but
I think you belong here.

Why? Well, look at yourself.

Look at that pallor.

Will you look...

Here comes the cute nurse.

Pinch my cheeks, pinch my
cheeks... I want to be cute.

Here's your lunch, Mr. Madison.

Oh, I see we're
getting some nice color.

Yeah, I feel cute, too.

Listen, what are you
doing between transfusions?

Oh, taking temperatures,

fooling around with the doctors,

you know, the usual.

Do they actually do that?

Hello, Oscar. How are
you feeling? Hi, Doc.

Hello, Dr. Gordon.
Oh, hello, Unger.

What's with the cups here?

What? It looks like a joke
trick from a magic shop!

What is this, baby food,
Doc? I can't believe it!

Eat your food!

Good bedside manner, Unger.

Doc, this chocolate
pudding tastes funny.

It should... it's
strained liver.

They feed people on
Devil's Island better than this!

Well, if you don't
want it, I'll eat it.

I haven't eaten
at all. I'm starved.

I've been up since 4:00.

Doctor, may I, uh,

may I consult with
you privately, please?

You can consult with me, but...

I'm not going to split my fee.

(groaning loudly)

Doctor, Oscar has
a marked tenderness

in the upper
abdominal region here.

Really? You noticed that, too?

Yeah.

And I read his chart.

Making rounds now, Unger?

You are a natural-born doctor.

Be that as it may, I'd, uh...

I'd like your opinion.

Keep your voice down... I
don't want to alarm Oscar.

What is your prognosis?

Well, about ulcers, most of my
colleagues recommend surgery.

(loudly): Surgery?

What?!

But, of course, in Oscar's
case it wouldn't be necessary.

I recommend rest
and a proper diet.

Mm-hmm. Do you think

he'd be better off at home
under my supervision?

Unger, in the world of ulcers,

you're what's
known as a carrier.

Of course, if we could
find somebody else

to keep him away from the
wrong foods, I'd send him home.

Yeah. I've got an idea.

Let me talk to him.

See you later, Oscar.

Okay, Doc.

If you're still here.

What do you mean, if I'm
still here? I mean, where...

where am I gonna... be?

No, no, you're going to be
fine, you're going to be fine.

Now, Oscar,

the doctor and I have
had a consultation.

What did he say?

He said... Yeah?

He said I'm a
natural-born doctor.

I don't care what he said about
you. What'd he say about me?

I'm the one that's
sick. What'd he say?

He said it's too much to expect

for me to have to do everything!

Again with you? I don't
want to hear about you.

See, you're wearing
checks, I'm wearing white...

Tell me what he said
about me, the man in white!

The prescription is home, under
certain conditions. What conditions?

That we hire
somebody to do for you

all the things I've
always done for you.

You're gonna hire
a professional pest?

We're going to hire you a nanny.

(doorbell ringing)

Hello.

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Miller.

Hello, Mrs. Miller.

The agency sent me about
the housekeeper's position

and to take care
of the sick boy.

Come in, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, boychick, you
don't look so good.

Let me feel your head.

Yeah, it's a little warm.

No, no, no.

Oy and is it a
wonder? Look at you.

All skin and bones.

No, I'm... I'm not the one
you'll be taking care of.

I'm not sick. It's my roommate.

Come in, come in.

Oh, is he skinny like you, too?

Sit down, Mrs. Miller.

I see that, uh, you're currently
employed in a pet shop.

In what capacity?

What capacity?

I feed animals and
clean up after them.

You'll be right at
home with Mr. Madison.

(doorbell ringing)

Excuse me, Mrs. Miller.

Hello. Hi. The
agency sent me over.

My name is Mitzu Hanogi.

Hello.

Come in, Miss Hanogi.

Uh, sit down.

Uh, this is... this
is Mrs. Miller.

How do you do? How do you do?

Call me Fanny.

OSCAR: Felix, what's with

the doorbell ringing
Saturday morning?

A sick man, I can't get any
sleep. What is going on?

Hello, ladies.

Ladies, I'd like you
to meet Mr. Madison.

This is Mrs. Miller.

Oh, this is the sick one?

Oh, you look terrible, boychick.

He's burning up.

You should go right
back to bed, darling.

Oscar, this is Miss Hanogi.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Felix, can I talk to you for a
minute alone in the kitchen? Yes.

Excuse me, ladies, will you?

Get the feel of
the place, ladies,

talk to each other, sit down.

Tell me, sweetheart, how do
you make those radios so small?

Who are those women?

I told you, I'm hiring
a nanny for you.

Oh. Well, in that case I'll take
the cute Oriental in Column A,

forget Column B.

We're equal
opportunity employers.

We do not discriminate
because of cute.

What's that? This is the
Oscar Madison "Blech" Test.

What are you doing?

Now smear the icebox.
Come on, come on, come on.

Up on top... my mother
says they never clean on top.

That's very good.

Now wash your hands,
throw the cigar on the floor.

When you're finished dry
your hands on the curtain

the way you usually do.

Mrs. Miller would
you come in, please?

Here I am, Johnny on the spot.

Now, Mrs. Miller,
look around you.

This kitchen looks
the way it usually does

after Mr. Madison's
been in it for two minutes.

Now, Mrs. Miller,
find the filth.

In other words... what is
wrong with this picture?

Okay... okay.

We see what's
wrong with the picture.

♪ We have ketchup
on the icebox... ♪

♪ And on the handle of
the icebox and on top. ♪

♪ And here we have ♪

♪ a cigar on the floor and
we'll pick it up and throw it. ♪

Look at her go.
Oh, is that good?

Very, very good, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, boys, I tell you, it
would be a great pleasure

to work in a house where
such a clean, good boy lives,

Mr. Unger.

And you, my darling...

you would be the
sloppy son I never had.

Thank you, Mrs. Miller.

Now, sit down.

We'll be with you in a
moment. Just take your time.

Okay. Thank you, thank you.

Is that a real pro?

Yeah, for cleaning, yes.

Equal opportunity.

Okay, mess up the kitchen
again, exactly the same.

This is the most disgusting
thing I've ever heard

in my life, I'm telling you.

All right, Miss Hanogi.

Now, look around you.

Now, assuming you worked for us,

find the filth.

(under breath): ♪
Ketchup on the icebox. ♪

♪ Cigar on the floor. ♪

♪ I know just what you did. ♪

I'm singing.

Mrs. Miller sang, I'm singing.

♪ It's not fair. ♪

All right, Miss
Hanogi, that's fine.

Thank you very much. (giggling)

Okay, you wasted a lot of filth.

I want Miss
Hanogi and that's it.

This is not The Dating Game.

Then we gotta find
somebody we both want.

There must be
someone in this world

who's a perfect nanny for you.

(doorbell ringing)

OSCAR: It's open.

Mr. Oscar Madison?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm your new housekeeper.

Claire Frost,
Bayonne, New Jersey.

The first thing
you can do for me

is take your feet
off the coffee table.

You're my nanny?

Mr. Unger met me at the
employment agency this morning,

hired me on the spot.

He made a great
impression on me.

Yeah, well he makes a great
impression on everybody.

Oh, that robe.

When was the last
time it was washed?

I don't know, I think it
was the Ali-Frazier fight.

Well, take it
off and I'll boil it.

Look, Mrs. Frost... Ms.

Ms. Frost.

Yeah, I don't think this
arrangement is gonna work.

Mr. Unger hired me and he's
the only one who can fire me.

So give me that robe.

Cigar?

No more.

Say good-bye to the cigar.

Bye-bye, cigar.

Now, I'll get your breakfast.

Oh, I'm on a bland diet,
so I'll have corned beef hash

and a couple of
fried eggs, okay?

(laughing)

That's funny?

You'll have milk toast and
a large bowl of oatmeal.

Now, where can I freshen up?

Down the hall first door
to your right. Thank you.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hi, Felix.

Yeah, she's here.

She's in your room.

(screaming)

No, she's in my room.

(Western blaring on TV)

Don't slouch.

How come the white sheets?

We just had a Klan meeting.

Guess who shampooed
the furniture?

The Unger instinct
strikes again.

Right to the heart of fun.

I thought when you said you
were gonna get me a nanny,

it'd be a nice,
sweet little lady

with little red cheeks,
she'd have an umbrella,

a little supercalifragilistic...
something like that.

Instead I got the
Beast of Bayonne.

"Don't slurp your soup.

Don't slouch. Sit up straight."

I like her.

She's Miss Right.

Ms. Right.

Where is she?

Disinfecting the bathroom.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

And does your bathroom need it.

Not my bathroom... she's
disinfecting your bathroom.

How come?

She boiled my room.

It's still wet.

I can't use it until tomorrow.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Unger.

Have I got a sparkling and
twinkling bathroom for you.

I heard, I heard.

Oh, boy, she's a treasure.

What treasure? Do you
know what she's gonna do?

She's gonna shampoo the rugs.

She's pure gold.

Felix, don't you understand...
If she shampoos the rugs,

you'll have to fly me around
this apartment like Peter Pan.

I'm want to get rid of her.

No, sirree, not on your life.

You agreed to
abide by my decision.

And you agreed you were
going to try to help my ulcer.

It's been acting up ever
since she's been here.

Felix, don't you feel the
tension in this apartment

since Frosty, the
Snow Woman got here?

The tension is in
your imagination.

No, it's not... the
tension is in my stomach.

We're lucky to have
her, don't you know that?

I'm keeping out of your way.

I'm going out tonight
with Miriam for dinner.

What are you going to do?

There's a great
football game on.

I'd like to watch it.

Drop that!

What do you think
you're doing, Mr. Unger?

I was just seasoning the soup.

It's a little bland.

We're treating an ulcer here.

You're right, you're right.

Right, it's perfect.

And I don't think it's the
cleanest thing in the world

to put the spoon back in the
pot after it's been in your mouth.

You're right. I always
do that. I never think of it.

Well, that's my job...
That's what you hired me for.

That's right, that's right.

Now, you go and you
have a nice evening.

When you come home, be
sure you step on the papers

because I'm gonna
shampoo the rug.

Oh, about that...

I wonder if that could
wait till tomorrow?

You see, Mr. Madison's
a sportswriter

and he wants to watch the
football game on TV tonight.

Mr. Unger,

who's the housekeeper
here, you or me?

Well, you are of course,

but Mr. Madison's the patient

and I guess we'll just...
we'll have to humor him.

I'm not Soupy Sales and
this is not the Comedy Hour.

You do have a way of filling a
room with tension, don't you?

Mr. Unger, I know your
type... You want to be liked.

But in my job,
you can't be soft.

You have to wield an iron mop.

Ms. Frost, I am no powder puff,

appearances to the
contrary notwithstanding.

He's going to
watch the ball game.

I'm putting my foot down.

Do you think you're
any match for me?

No, but I'm... I'm... I'm
putting my foot down.

When I left the army, I
made a promise to myself.

I said, "Frosty,

there can only be one topkick
in any outfit," and that's me.

I was a lieutenant in the army.

I was a colonel.

Talk about your
temperamental clean-freak.

So long, Felix.

Where are you going?

Back to the hospital.

No, no, no. Stay in
your own home... enjoy it.

I got rid of the jailer.

I know, and I appreciate it,

but the warden is still here.

You're right.

Go on, go on.

I guess you're right.

I only upset you. I'll
take you down there.

No, you don't have
to. I'll get a cab.

No, no, I'll get a cab for you.

No, the doorman
will get the cab for me.

Let me do it, Oscar... The
doorman will get the cab for me!

Don't worry about anything.

I'll be over there first
thing in the morning.

This would be a perfect
time to shampoo the rugs.

I hope you learned
a lesson from this.

I did.

You are what you eat, you know.

I know that.

What are you having for dinner?

Rump roast.