The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Pig Who Came to Dinner - full transcript

He's not here yet, huh?

No.

Setting the table? Good, good.

You excited?

I've had champagne before.

Yeah, but have you had
Bobby Riggs for dinner before?

Forgive me, but
to me, he's just not

the greatest thing
since Turhan Bey.

He's popular. People
mob him wherever he goes!

That's right, Felix.

I know some women's
libbers who'd love



to get their hands on him.

Oscar, is he really like the
public image he presents?

How's that?

Obnoxious.

Oh, come on, Miriam,
he's a pussycat.

Wait'll you read the
article I'm writing about him.

He's really got a
great sense of humor.

(doorbell buzzes) He
left a note in my office.

Now listen to this:

"At 7:00 tonight, Bobby
Riggs will kiss you on the mouth

and you'll enjoy
it. I bet you $20."

Who is it? Bobby Riggs.

Is the bet still on?

Yes.



My name is Roberta Riggs,
but my friends call me Bobby.

The man paid me
ten dollars to do this.

Hi, Oscar.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Pleasure to meet you, Felix,

and also a member
of the weaker sex.

Weaker sex?

Isn't... isn't that just
your opinion, Mr. Riggs?

No, it's a proven fact.

All through history, men
have been superior; right?

Right. Bobby says a woman is
good for cooking in the kitchen,

cleaning in the living room

and fooling around
in the bedroom.

(laughs)

Sweetheart, don't
take that seriously.

We're not all like that.

Tell them about the time
you beat that lady golf champ!

Just what are you trying
to prove, Mr. Riggs?

Simply this: That any man
can beat any woman at anything,

anywhere, anytime.

Just like your match
with Billie Jean King?

What match?

I don't remember any match.

No, he told me that was a fluke.

Somebody hid his vitamin pills.

You expect me to
buy an alibi like that?

Why, I could have
beaten you that day.

Miriam, he's a guest!

Miriam, baby, if you
want to challenge me,

I'll beat you at
anything you want.

What do you say, baby?

First off, don't call me baby.

Secondly, I want you
to know that I think

that you're the most arrogant,

egocentric, male chauvinist

that I have ever had the
displeasure of meeting.

Thank you.

Lose her number.

Listen, I got the champagne...
Come on, let's celebrate.

(voice quavering): I'm
sorry, I don't feel like

celebrating the
arrival of Mr. Riggs.

Come on, Felix.

Mr. Riggs, I think you
owe Miriam an apology.

What for?

I think you lost him, Bobby.

He wanted to sign you up as a
charter member of his new club.

What's that?

It's a new organization
he's forming

to celebrate his manhood.

It's called the Male
Chauvinists of America.

Otherwise known
as "Riggs' Pigs."

I think I have a headache.

I'm gonna go home.

Mr. Riggs, I don't have to join a
club to celebrate my manhood.

You want me to go
with you, sweetie?

Oh, I don't care.

Felix, she says
she has a headache.

You'll just be
wasting your time.

You're never gonna get
him to join your club now.

Not only will I
not join your club,

but I will do everything in
my power to oppose it, sir,

until you apologize to
every woman in America,

and particularly to Miss Welby.

Fat chance!

Good night, sir.

And good night to you, sir.

In five minutes, turn
the oven down to 325.

Boy, Oscar, what a great dinner.

Terrific roast.

Felix made it.
He's a great cook.

That's what I've been
telling you all along,

that men even make better cooks.

But what I can't understand
is how did you ever wind up

with a character like
that Felix as a roommate?

Oh, he's not such a bad guy.

Hey, how about giving me a
chance to get my $20 back?

What $20?

You know, Roberta
Riggs at the door

when you came in... that stuff.

Aw, here, Oscar, that
was just a gag... take it.

I can't do that. A bet's a bet.

Go ahead. No, no.
I got a better idea.

Why don't we cut
for high card, okay?

See who wins.

Takes no time, okay?

I don't know...

Oh, I'm very good at this game.

I'll show you...
look at this... watch:

Seven for me, three for you.

Eight for me, four for you.

See? I win all the time.

Okay, okay. Double or nothing.

Let's go. $20.

I'll go first.

Eight.

Ten.

You snipped me at
the wire, didn't ya?

Got lucky that time, didn't ya?

Okay, that's $40. Here we go.

King. Sorry there, buddy.

Ace.

$80, isn't it? You got lucky.

You nipped me
twice, you little...

You go first. Go ahead... $80.

Go ahead.

Three.

Gotcha this time, didn't I?

With a two.

That's two; that's $160.
Excuse me a minute, will ya?

What's doing?

King for me, four for him.

Nine for me...

How come I win over
here, I can't win over there?

Let me get this straight:
now, the handicap is you gotta

get five in a row
in the wastebasket

and I gotta get one out of
five, right? That's right, Oscar.

That's it. You get five and I
get one and I still win. Right.

Five in a row for you,
one for me. Go, buddy.

Now, one out of five
for me, right? I win.

That's right. It's
not so hard. No.

Hang a little back, okay?

You don't have to be
laughing about it, will ya?

Wait for your shot.

One, two!

Give me a break!

Will ya stop? Will ya?

One more I got.

Look at this!

Okay, this one is
for the club chair,

the two candlesticks
and the carpet.

In there!

(puffs)

(groans)

Wha...? What's the matter?

Are you sick, huh?

You got a fever?

(angry grunt)

Time is up.

98.6.

98.8.

You lose.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Hustling tires a man.

How does he do it?!

What are you, what are
you doing in your underwear?

I didn't bet it yet.

FELIX: You mean...

you've been gambling
with him all night long?

Yeah.

How much have you lost so far?

Everything.

You say everything.

What do you mean by everything?

When I say everything, I
mean every thing, Felix.

Oh, Oscar, how could you, a
knowledgeable newspaperman,

be hustled by this
notorious hustler?

It wasn't a hustle.
I just lost, that's all.

What do you know about
hustling, all of a sudden?

I know I own a pair
of pants and a shirt.

You're the guy standing
here in his underwear.

Just worry about yourself.

All I care about is he gives
me a chance to get even.

I want this gambling to stop
and I want him out of here!

Well, he's not leaving, Felix.

How come? Wh-What's
going on around...?

I thought I heard him leaving
in the middle of the night.

He did.

Well, what's he doing back here?

He just went to the
hotel to get his stuff.

You invited him to stay here?

Well, I mean, not exactly.

Well, tell him to leave.

I can't.

Why can't you?

It's his apartment now.

I bet him the lease.

You bet him the lease?

It was all I had left.

Tennis, anyone?

How do I look?

Terrific.

Wish me luck.

Where you going?

I'm on my way to a grudge match.

Who you gonna play with?

Twin grandmothers.

I'm playin' 'em for their piano.

Felix, now, he's not a bad guy.

He promised he
wouldn't raise the rent.

Oh, hi, Mr. Riggs.

I got your uniform
from the cleaners.

You're a strange little guy!

(phone rings)

I'll get that.

Bobby Riggs' office.

Yeah, formerly

Oscar Madison's office, for
whom we are still taking calls

and who we love
and miss very much.

Just a minute, please.

It's for you, Mr. R.

I'm gonna go to lunch now.

If you need anything while
I'm out, bet somebody for it.

Bobby Riggs. Hi.

Don't worry.

Of course it's still on.

I'll be there.

Just make certain
that she's there.

No, I haven't boxed in 20 years,

but I'll get down to
the gym. I'll work out.

Don't worry about
me. I'll kill her.

By the way, does she cut easy?

Oh, good, good, good.

Okay, it's all set.

I'll call you later.

Good-bye.

You're going to box a woman?

That is absolutely
reprehensible.

It won't be easy.

I'm giving away 20 pounds.

Well, in that sense, it's
perfectly fair, of course.

I'd like to talk to you
privately, if I may.

Sit down.

Thank you.

This is about Oscar Madison.

You claim he's your
friend, but you capitalized

on his weakness for gambling
and you've hustled him

out of everything he
owns and everything

he will own for
the next five years.

Felix, I didn't hustle Oscar.

He just ran into a
series of bad breaks.

Oh, come on.

Those were sucker
bets and you know it.

It was a clear case of him being
the sucker and you the suckee.

Now, I'm asking you
like a friend: help him.

I'd be glad to do
anything for Oscar.

I love him.

Look, even though
I won his office,

I let him work out of here.

That's very generous of you.

But if you mean it,
you'd let him get even.

You'd bet him on
something that he could win.

Have you got any suggestions?

Well, something that
he's... he's a good writer.

That's it. I'll bet him

that he can't type his own
name right in ten seconds.

Would you do that?

Felix, you can count on me.

Aw, thank you. You'll see.

You'll love doing something
decent for a change.

Would you like to have
a chance to get even?

I've never been
even in my whole life.

You mean I can win
everything back? Yes.

I got nothing left to bet with.

Tell you what, I'll
bet you for Felix.

Bet Felix?!

Yeah. You know, he does
the washing, the cooking,

takes care of stuff... you
know. MURRAY: Oh, Bobby,

you'll like Felix.

You know, it's not a bad idea.

I don't have to
tell him if I lose.

He does that stuff
anyw... What's the bet?

I'm gonna make it
easy for you. What?

I'm gonna bet you that you can't
type your name right in ten seconds.

(laughs): What
kind... What'd you do?

You monkeying
around with the keys?

You rearrange the letters? What?

No, no, no, just
psychological pressure.

But that's no
psychological pressure.

I've been writing my name
on my column for ten years.

What do you think, Murray?

Well, if you don't
crack, you'll be great.

Just "Oscar
Madison," right? Right.

You got yourself a bet.

Now, no tricks,
right? No tricks.

I type my name in ten seconds, I
get everything back, right? Right.

Okay, buddy, you got it.

Oscar Madison.

Let me practice.

Oscar... Madison.

Want to increase the bet,

make it for something
more interesting?

I'm already betting
a human being.

OSCAR: How can I
make it more interesting?

Poor Felix!

Murray!

Okay, "Oscar
Madison." This is it.

For the whole
bundle... let's go.

Ready? Yeah.

Go!

One, two, three... There we go!

Three... seven
seconds. Here we go.

"Oscar Madisoy."

What Madi... Not "Madisoy"!
How could that be?

Hey, if you had been
Chinese, you'd have won.

How could I have
made a mistake like that?

Well, you see the last letter?

You typed a "Y" instead
of an "N." I know what I did!

Oscar, I'm gonna give
you another chance.

You will? Go ahead.

Yes. Aw, isn't he a nice guy?

Yeah. Here we go. Ready?

All right... go. Go!

One, two, three...
Okay. There we go.

Seven seconds, and there
it is... "Oscar Madisox."

Shoe shine,

laundry to take
in, pick up suits,

call for a dental appointment,

and don't forget to pick up

the grandmothers' piano.

I'm sorry, Felix.

I had nothing left to bet with.

He likes you.

Believe me, I felt
lousy when I lost you.

Ask Murray, he'll tell you.

In 1776,

Thomas Jefferson signed the
Declaration of Independence.

In 1863,

Abraham Lincoln signed the
Emancipation Proclamation.

But in 1973,

American history was
rewritten by "Oscar Madisoy..."

who cast his best
friend into slavery.

Well, if you think I'm going
along with this, you're crazy!

Ungers have always been free!

Oh, Felix, go along
with it a little bit,

otherwise I'll be known
as a welsher all over town.

Believe me, I'll win you back.

No, you won't.

You'll lose, double or nothing,

and I'll have to bring in
my brother from Buffalo.

I'll win myself back.

How? What are you gonna do,

challenge him to a
floor-waxing contest?

Don't worry, there's plenty I
can do better than Mr. Riggs.

Felix, what can you do
that he can't do better?

I'll bet I can hold
a note longer.

♪ Ah... ♪

(holding note)

(Felix and Riggs holding note)

(both continue holding note)

I won my freedom!
That's it for me!

Abe Lincoln would
be proud of you.

Good, good!

I beat Bobby Riggs!

Congratulations, Felix.

I got to get back to work...
I got to finish this column.

I beat him!

I hope that taught him a lesson.

First, he underestimated women,

and then he
underestimated Ungers!

Come on, help me celebrate
my victory... buy me a drink.

No, I can't... I really
got to finish this column.

Aw, you poor guy.

Look at... Bob Cratchit.

Riggs... I've had my eye on you.

I think you're a sporting man;

I'd like to make
you a proposition.

I accept.

I want to win back
everything Oscar's lost.

Felix, I don't want
to lose this spot...

I'll end up typing
on paper towels.

Listen to a winner talk.

What do you say, Riggs?

What would you put up?

You name it, boy.

Uncle Bobby wants you.

If I win, you become a
charter member of Riggs' Pigs.

Name your game, sport.

Ping-Pong.

Ping-Pong?! That's my game!

I'll play both of you
at the same time.

He'll play both of
us at the same time!

I'll give you 12
points. 12 points!

That's nothing... he's a champ!

All right, make it 19 points.

19 points?! 21's the game!

You got yourself a deal, sport.

Felix, are you out of your mind?

What did you just do?

What did I do?

I hustled him, baby.

Say, where's Felix?

I don't know, he was
supposed to meet me here.

That's it. Do you think
he chickened out?

FELIX: Gather round, everybody.

I've been practicing
for half an hour.

Practicing is secondary.

I've been preparing
psychological pressure.

What's in the box?

Pressure, my boy, pressure.

We're gonna psyche him out.

OSCAR: Felix, professionals

have tried to psyche
him out and failed.

But they don't have
the crazy Unger mind.

I've thought of things that
nobody else will think about.

You know what he's gonna
see the first time he looks at me?

Billie Jean King.

OSCAR: That's not bad. Yes!

Isn't that great? That's good.

It's gonna psyche him out.

And then when he looks at you,

he's gonna be
doubly psyched out.

You know why?

He's gonna see two heads.

(laughing)

Felix, I think you're
trying to psyche me out.

Come on, be sensible,
be reasonable.

Come on. All right.

You be Billie Jean King,
and I'll wear the two heads.

Fine. Good. Okay.

How's it look?

Like Siamese strangers.

RIGGS: Hi, everybody.

Oh, the old double-head bit.

And Billie Jean King cut-out.

Oh... (whistle blows)

All right, Mr. Riggs will serve.

The score is Felix and Oscar 19,

Bobby nothing.

Gee, that was fast.

Oh, it's a handicap.

Are you ready? Yeah,
I'm ready, ready, ready.

Hold it, hold it, hold
it! What's the matter?

Are you ready? Yeah,
I'm ready. Come on.

You want this side of
the table? I don't care.

You can have this side if you
want. What's the difference?

We'll be rotten on
both sides of the table.

That's good; that's good. Keep
arguing... that'll distract him.

Aw, come on, will ya!
Say something to me.

Felix, will you play the game?

Yeah. See? I'm making
both heads shake.

RIGGS: Serve!
Are you ready? Yes.

Okay.

Ah! MURRAY: Point Unger-Madison.

It worked! It worked!

Of course it worked... you think
you're dealing with some neophyte?

MURRAY: The score is nothing
to 20, favor of Unger-Madison.

Yay! Serve, Mr. Riggs.

Okay, ready? Ready.

Why didn't you hit that?
It was to my backhand.

MURRAY: Point, Mr. Riggs.

If it comes on this
side, you got to hit it.

Technicalities. You hear that?

Felix, will you
stop? Come on, now!

The score is one to 20.

Serve, Mr. Riggs.

Okay. You fellas ready? Yeah.

MURRAY: Point Riggs.

He missed again.

The score is two to 20.

MURRAY: Point Riggs.

Three to 20.

Serve, Mr. Riggs.

Serve, Mr. Riggs.

Point Riggs!

Six to 20. (blows noisemaker)

(gasping)

It was on your
side of the table!

You hear that?
MURRAY: Point Riggs.

16 to 20.

(metallic ringing)

MURRAY: 18 to 20.

We're not playing baseball here!

(no audio)

20 to 20.

Two points to win!

Mr. Riggs to serve.

Score: 21 to 20.

Riggs. Are you fellas ready?

MURRAY: Oscar? Felix? Huh?

What? Yeah, ready,
sure, sure. Let's go. Yeah.

Get it!

Did you get it? No,
I thought you got it.

MURRAY: Point, set and
game. I didn't even see it.

MURRAY: Game Riggs. 22 to 20.

Nice try, fellas, but
not good enough.

MURRAY: Hey, Bobby, aren't
you gonna jump over the net?

Not this time.

Felix, Oscar. Bobby.

Felix, I've been waiting
a long time to get you;

I finally did.

Welcome as a charter
member to Riggs' Pigs.

Felix, I know in your
heart, you're not a pig.

Don't feel bad, Mr. Unger...

You got a good head
on your shoulders.

Well, you did the
best you could.

Here's your reward for
being a good umpire, Murray.

Gee, what a funny little nose.

Let's play again. I'm hot!

Can't... somebody else
has got the room booked.

Who is it? I'm hot tonight.

I'll play anybody.

Uh-oh, forget it.

(whispering): Oscar,
Oscar, it's... It's... mm!

Hi. Hi, Billie Jean.

Long time no see.

Who'd you hustle today?

Well, at least
you're smarter now...

You're only playing men.

How about a game of ping-pong?

How much? 50 cents?

Big spender.

Winner take all. Right.

Here we go. Okay.

RIGGS: Okay, boys.

Psst.

(laughs)

We could take them in doubles.

Thanks for a great dinner.

I've really enjoyed visiting
with you guys. We enjoyed you.

Listen, we haven't had
a chance to get even yet.

I'll bet you everything
you won from Oscar

that within five seconds
that door will open,

Jack Kramer will walk
in, kiss you on the mouth

and you'll love it.

You've got a bet.

(doorbell buzzes)

My name is Jacqueline Kramer,

but my friends call me Jackie.

You win.

You hustled me, baby.

Come on, I'll give
you a tennis lesson.

For ten bucks, she'll
say she's anybody.

(laughs)