The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 9 - Felix Directs - full transcript
Felix is making a movie about sportswriter Oscar Madison.
ANNOUNCER: Next week
on our show Family USA...
Mother Betty attends
a PTA meeting
and son Harvey stars in
a school Hygiene Pageant
as an abscessed tooth.
Shut it off, Murray.
Shut it off. Wait, I want to hear
about the husband and the daughter.
Husband Bob, teenage daughter
Allison and boyfriend Brian
go to Cleveland on
a shopping spree.
Gee, those people
have a great life.
Who cares what
kind of life they have?
It's such an awful show.
I liked it, Felix.
You're a wonderful man, Murray.
You like it 'cause
you're not a pro.
Pros can see right
through that kind of guff.
I liked it, Felix.
It was dull, Murray, dull.
Well, it was a documentary
about an average family.
Just everyday people
like you and me.
Everyday people
aren't necessarily dull.
I'm certainly not dull.
You... you're not a pro, Murray.
You're just...
The first rule of filmmaking is
no matter what your subject is,
you don't treat it in a
dull, uninteresting manner.
That director, he-he
had no imagination.
He never probed into the
insides of that-that family.
The... They had no drama. The...
The father finds out his
daughter's a prostitute.
Big deal.
But they never got into
why. Why does he find out?
(muttering) I'm sick and
tired of your bellyaching, Felix.
Did you say what
I thought you said?
Yes, I did.
I'm fed up with your crabbing.
That's not what
you said, Murray.
Aw, bellyaching, crabbing...
It's all the same thing
and I'm fed up with it.
That's not like you.
I'm not like me.
The police department's been
having group therapy sessions
and we're supposed to
say exactly what we feel.
You'll find I'm a lot
more candid now,
and I'm gonna be
candid with you, Felix.
If you think you know so much,
then why don't you
make your own picture?
Instead of criticizing
everybody else,
just put your money
where your mouth is, Buster.
Where you going?
Now, I'm gonna go home
and straighten out my wife.
(door closes)
He's right.
The fuzz is right.
I should make my own film.
Felix Unger directs.
What? What kind of film?
A documentary.
About whom?
It should be about
an interesting person.
Someone dramatic.
Me.
Act and direct in my first film?
No, I'll do that in
my second film.
What? Any subject you know
how you can make it interesting.
The first thing you
see out the window.
There's the janitor.
I'll zoom in and...
no, he's boring.
He's a boring janitor.
I'm gonna talk to the
landlord about finding
a more exciting janitor...
Someone with charisma,
someone... someone
who's got... (door opens)
Ah!
Zoom in.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Would you mind
zooming out, please?
Don't you want to
know why I zoomed in?
No. Why not?
Because I don't care.
Aw, you're just being
cranky. Sure you...
What do you got in the bag?
Got my dinner. I
didn't have time to eat.
I'll make you something. No.
You're not gonna
eat in your room.
I won't make a mess.
FELIX: You'll attract bugs.
OSCAR: They gotta eat, too.
When Sherman
marched through Georgia
he left it neater than this.
Felix, why are you
following me around?
I've had a brainstorm. What?
I want to make a film.
Go ahead.
Listen, you're a cleanie...
Maybe you're a Fellini. (laughs)
I want to make a film about you.
Are you ki... I'm a working
man. I can't be bothered with that.
I won't bother you. You'll
never know I'm here.
Cinema vérité. See?
I'm panning down,
I'm panning down your leg.
(laughing): I zoom
in on your sock.
You got holes in your socks.
(cackles) It's summertime.
Now you're going
to toss your pants
across the lamp, aren't you?
No, I'm gonna hang 'em up. See?
Zoom in on that.
That's the zoom-in...
Then I zoom across...
I zoom down across
the bed, across the floor.
I gotta shoot this
in black and white.
Nobody would ever
believe it in color.
How come all of a sudden
you're gonna do a film?
Because every time I
see a movie or watch TV,
I hear myself say,
"I could do it better,"
and tonight I just got fed
up with my bellyaching
and I said to myself, "Felix,
be candid with yourself.
Put your money
where your mouth is."
Boy, I haven't seen
you this excited
since they invented liquid wax.
It's that important to you?
Yeah, it really is. It really is.
And you won't bother me?
I promise, you'll
never... Cinema vérité.
You're just yourself. I'm
a camera. I'm invisible.
Okay, shoot your picture, but I
don't want to notice you, Felix.
You'll never know I'm
there. Okay. Good night.
Good night. Put out the light.
Good night, star. Good night!
Good night. Sleep tight.
Yeah. Don't let the bugs bite.
(motor humming)
Oscar's bedroom... take one.
(laughs) You're
eating a sandwich.
I'm noticing you, Felix.
Now, I'm panning down
across the bed, across the floor.
My title shot... I got my title!
Mondo Filth.
Hi, Felix.
Ah, the star awakens.
Go back, go back, go back.
What? Go back.
Oh... Gotta film your entrance.
Here we go. Wait a second.
Uh, here we're
coming... All right, action.
That's it. I'm hungry.
Great. Great. Great.
There we go. Take
you down here. Great.
Okay, okay, now, go back.
I'll get it from this angle.
Why? I just... I got your
morning trance as you come in.
Now, I want to get your
characteristic slump as you go into...
Don't say that. I don't
slump. That's not nice...
Here we are. Okay... action.
Now, you're coming into frame.
You're coming
in... that's great.
That is so good.
Where's the slump?
That's it.
That's marvelous.
That's marvelous.
Now wait a second...
Let me get a
close-up of your food.
Oh, look what he's doing.
Look what he's doing.
That's sensational.
Go to it, Tiger. Attaboy.
Oh, you got a stain.
Let me get the stain,
let me get the stain.
That's no good. That's
not good for a stain.
Why not? It's just in
a bad spot for a stain.
I'll put one in a good spot.
How's that? Is that okay?
Isn't that great?
Isn't that sensational?
Oh, please, leave
me alone, will you?
What a sense of
humor. What a guy.
There's a newspaper right
in front of your face, though.
Yeah. You see, I put
something in front of me,
I look at the words.
It's called reading.
No, no... That's
how I make my living.
I can't see your
face with it up there.
But it's more important.
Gotta make a living.
All right, cut, cut!
Picture's over.
Wait a second. Don't leave.
You haven't had
your dessert yet.
Dessert with breakfast?
Prunes. Prunes?
You eat prunes first.
I'm shooting out of sequence.
Anyway, I hate prunes.
That's what I want to get.
I want to get every
facet of your personality.
Every single bit of you.
Yeah. I want to get the hate.
You want to get the hate?
Okay, you rolling? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm rolling.
Follow my arm.
Yeah. Here comes hate in facets.
Here's hate. Facets. Ah,
great, great. Sensational.
Just be your messy self.
(muttering)
Marvelous, just marvelous!
Oh, that's so wonderful...
Wait, wait, I'm
coming with you. Wait!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Can you guess
where my camera is?
Here. Yeah.
No, don't touch the lens.
You never touch the lens.
That's my microphone.
(shouting): Hello.
No, shh.
Don't shout, it's too delicate.
I don't know...
I don't think Mr. Madison's
gonna like this.
Well, he doesn't
have to know about it.
You're not gonna
tell him, are you?
Okay, mum's the word.
Yeah, now, the main thing
is just to engage
him in conversation.
Talk.
Loud, get him to
talk loud. Loud.
And try to get him to face
up towards the camera.
Okay. Okay.
I think he's coming.
Hide.
Hi, Myrna.
(shouting): Good
morning, Mr. Madison!
You look pretty as a picture!
Can I have a sip of your coffee?
Felix left early this morning
and didn't make any.
I'll go plug in the pot!
Before you do that get me
the New York Jets file, will you?
What?
Get me the New York Jets file!
What?
(shouting): I said get
me the New York Jets file!
Don't you want to talk?
No, I just want the file.
Oh, here's the file.
Myrna, why are you yelling?
What?
I said what's with
all the yelling here?
(softly): That's
better. How are you?
(camera motor humming gently)
Ow!
Ooh!
He caught you.
Oh, I couldn't
fool you, could I?
But it was worth it. I
got some great stuff.
Felix, I don't want that
around my neck anymore.
I don't want it in front
of my face anymore.
That's okay. I'm not
here. Felix, will you stop?
A week ago you promised
you weren't gonna bother me.
Now you're in my hair at
home, you're in my hair at work.
Give me the file, will you?
I gotta stop. I
can't do it anymore.
I'm not getting any work
done. Give me the f... Look!
She's looking at the
camera. Felix, here, look.
Look, hey! Bye-bye.
The end. Oh, no, no, no.
You're not gonna walk off
the picture, are you? Yes, I am.
No, you wouldn't. Oh, it's
coming along so beautifully.
I've seen the stuff. It's great.
Felix, are you willing to show
your film to a professional...
Let him decide
whether it's good or not?
Well... do I have to?
Yes. Then I will.
Okay, I'll bring him
home for dinner tonight.
Who is he?
Phil Russell.
He makes spaghetti westerns.
Okay, I'll make
some spaghetti. Okay.
Have to remember
to buy spaghetti.
A lovely spaghetti
dinner, Felix.
Thank you, Phil.
Now, here's a shot of Oscar
eating breakfast.
Isn't that marvelous?
You ever see a
man eat like that?
There's the original stain.
There's the new one.
Sensational, huh?
Here's a shot of
Oscar's bedroom.
I call this scene
"Believe it or not"
I didn't have to have
a set decorator either.
His room looks
like that all the time.
Here's Oscar asleep
under a blanket of old
clothes and magazines.
Look at that. He's
sleeping the wrong way!
Here's Oscar shaving.
Did you ever see a
man shave like that
with a cigar in his mouth?
(laughs) Here he is brushing
his teeth at the kitchen sink,
washing his mouth out with beer.
The water running, Phil.
Can't you just feel the
wetness, the tactile values?
Look at Oscar washing
his hands on film.
Look... wait... That's
what I call acting.
What acting? I've been washing
my hands like that all my life.
And that's all she wrote.
Great footage, huh?
Not so loud, Felix.
I think your great
footage put him to sleep.
No, I'm not asleep.
I was just thinking.
You were thinking how
you can get out of here
without telling him how
rotten it was, right, Phil?
On the contrary,
it was terrific.
What? Really? Really?
As a matter of fact, you
gave me an idea here.
Felix, I'm doing a
film that is dying.
It's about a girl, Christina,
a Swedish stewardess.
But it needs, it needs
something to balance it.
I need a story
about a lonely man.
Oscar!
He comes across as a lonely man.
Yeah, yeah!
Here's the thing.
If I could put my film
about the Swedish stewardess
together with your film
about the lonely
man, it'll be perfect!
My film is 16-millimeter.
Ah, mine's super
eight, but I'll blow it up.
Felix, Felix, I want you to
direct the rest of this picture.
Oh!
We'll have a big
confrontation scene
where the lonely
man meets Christina.
As a matter of fact,
we can shoot that scene
right here in this apartment.
What about a script?
Improvise, just like
you've always done.
I'll supply the
lights and the crew.
My own crew!
And all you have to
supply is the apartment
and the lonely
man. You've got him!
You've got him!
How about it, Oscar?
Me?
Sure! You're the co-star!
Phil, you're as crazy as he is!
I'll give you 500 bucks!
500 bucks?!
Oscar. Hi, Felix.
I've been waiting for you.
What do you think
I have in my hand?
A book.
But what book?
An Actor Prepares
by Stanislavski.
Who's he?
The founder of the
Method school of acting.
This is the bible.
I think you should
have a lesson in acting.
Acting? What happened
to "be yourself"?
That's when you
were being yourself,
but now you must become
a character... Luke Marlow.
Luke Marlow?
Luke Marlow, lonely,
sportswriter, slob.
I think we should
begin at the beginning
with a very simple exercise.
Yes. All right, I think you
should become an object.
What do you mean,
become an object?
Before you can become a man,
you must be something simpler.
Acting is becoming.
You become an object.
What was I before I was
Oscar Madison, a pretzel?
Here's a pretzel.
That's too easy, see?
I think you should be a tree.
What kind of tree?
Any kind of tree you want to be.
I'm an elm tree.
That's very good.
That's... Why'd you stop?
I saw a dog coming.
Oh, come on!
Come on, this is the silliest...
It's not silly.
It's not silly.
You see, you chose
to be that kind of tree.
Acting is a matter of choices.
The greatest actors make
the most interesting choices.
You could've
chosen to be a bush.
That's a bush?
A thorn bush.
You see, you feel the
thorns, feel the danger? Yeah.
Yes, yes, you don't
have to be a bush.
You could have
chosen to be a hedge.
That's a hedge?
A perfectly-trimmed hedge.
That's the kind of hedge I
would be if I were a hedge.
You would be a...
A sloppy hedge.
Yes, exactly.
Now... emotion,
the most important
part of acting.
Now I'm going to throw an
emotion at you, you respond.
Hate!
Okay, you say "hate," I'm
supposed to act. That's impossible!
Oh, no, you use
emotional recall.
You recall a time
when you hated. Oh.
And then it comes flooding out.
That's what the great actors do.
All right, now hate!
(grunts angrily) (gasps)
Boy, that, that
came from the heart.
I felt that. That was great.
What were you recalling?
The day you moved in.
Whatever.
I'm gonna give you another one.
Sadness.
(sobbing)
Oh, Oscar, I'm, I'm sorry.
I-I went too far.
That... oh, that's
not nice of me.
I'm sorry. That... What
were you recalling?
The same day.
You're having fun
with me. Yeah, yeah.
See, that's why your
acting was superficial.
You see, you can't do that.
(buzzer sounds) Wait.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna answer the door.
You're not going to use any
of the things we practiced?
Here's an elm tree
answering the door.
No, no. What do
you want me to do?
You create a
situation out of reality.
You heard the
doorbell ring? Yeah.
Who's there? I
don't know until I see.
Your worst enemy. Who?
The worst enemy you have
in the world. Oh, oh, I see.
The man who put
the bullet in your leg.
The other leg. The upstage leg.
A man who stole your wife away
and broke both your arms.
He's on the other
side of the door.
You can hear him breathing.
He can hear you.
You reach for the doorknob,
he reaches for his Luger...
You answer the door.
I'll show you how to do it.
(doorbell buzzes)
When I find the man
who took my wife,
who caused me all
this pain, I'll kill him!
(screams)
(indistinct conversations)
FELIX: You understand?
We're just gonna light this
general area right in here.
Later, we'll come in
for our specific lighting.
Right now, we're gonna have...
(doorbell buzzing)
Okay.
(laughs)
Hey, Phil, baby!
Felix, how are you?
Meet Ed, my
partner... Hello, Ed.
Distributor for Black
Sox Productions.
Well, this is the big day.
Yeah. Is this the set?
Yeah. You like it?
Yeah, perfect for a living room.
It is a living room, Ed.
Where, where's Oscar?
He's in wardrobe. I'll get him.
Patience, everybody.
We'll be right with you.
Oscar!
Well, Phil, I hope this
scheme of yours works.
Where's the bed?
Forget the bed.
There's only three ways
we can go with this film:
If we show the Christina
film now, the way it is,
we'll get a double "X"
rating and go to jail.
What?
If we cut in that Navy stuff,
well, then we can only
show it in the Philippines.
Well, you know how
much money there is there.
I got enough bamboo.
Right... so we go with
Luke the lonely sportswriter
and hope for an "R"
with an explanation.
You really think having
Madison will give it,
uh... remedialingly
sociable valuables?
Let's hope so.
Well, where's the bed?
Please, you handle the business,
let me handle the creative!
All right, all right.
Here's our star!
Hey! (cheering)
Oscar, baby, you look wonderful.
Meet my partner, Ed.
How are you?
Pleased to meet you.
I love your column.
Well, you know my motto is
"Never interfere
with the artist."
So if you're all
set, we'll leave.
Come on, Ed. We're set.
The camera's loaded,
we're ready to roll.
Hey...
You bring this in for less
than $10,000, and I'll kiss you.
Not only that, we're
gonna make a picture
you can take your
children to see.
Are you kidding?
Where's the bed?
Now, everybody, we're
gonna have a rehearsal,
so spread out for a nice party.
Let's have you in twosomes
so I can get you.
This is going to be
a rehearsal more for me
than for you, I assure you.
And we're gonna
have a nice party.
I'm going to begin
here on the flowers.
I'm gonna go from
couple to couple,
so let's try it just for me now.
Here we are... and action.
That's very nice. That's right.
Keep your hair back from
your face, dear. That's nice.
That's okay. You're dancing.
We'll dub in music later.
That's sweet. That's very good.
Very, very good, and
we come down here.
Where are they?
There they are.
No, no, that's not right.
No!
Oscar, no!
Cut!
You two have just met.
Oh, but I really dig him,
not just professionally.
But I mean I-I really dig you.
You don't understand,
dear, you're not motivated.
Yes, she... We're
motivated, Felix.
Man, woman, recall...
all those things.
Now listen, sit up
straight. Sit up straight.
Like a nice girl. Sit...
Now, you've just met.
You sit on the
couch and you talk.
Talk? You mean there's sound?
Of course, look
at the microphone.
Oh!
Oh, I've never been
on sound before.
Marty, Marty, come here.
What'll I say? I could sing.
Listen, I'm a
little nervous, too.
See, I never acted before.
Oh, acting's easy.
It is?
Yeah. I'm just a
substitute schoolteacher.
I've done lots of movies.
Did you see Last
Tango In Tijuana?
You mean Last Tango in Paris.
There's one in Paris, too?
Oh, far out!
I've got to make it to
Sweden. Yeah, listen...
Do you know how creative they are?
How sensitive? Excuse me a minute...
Felix? Felix, talk to you for a
minute. Get back in your place, actor!
It's very important. Actor,
get back in your place.
Hey, you playing Luke? Yeah.
Hi. I'm playing Harry,
the friendly next-door neighbor.
Don't I know you?
Did you see Last Tango?
In Tijuana?
No, Tampa.
Didn't you work on a newspaper?
No, I work in a hospital.
I'm a male nurse.
Felix.
Huh? Come here. (mutters)
There's something fishy
about these actors here.
You got butterflies
in your stomach?
No. Will you listen to
me? She's not an actor.
She's a substitute
schoolteacher, he's a male nurse.
You see what I mean?
Relax, Luke.
Will you forget the
Luke?! This is Oscar!
There's something
strange about these actors.
You're nervous, aren't
you? That's good.
Use it! Use it!
Keep in the part.
Here we go, everybody.
All right, thank you, everybody.
That was an excellent rehearsal.
Now we're going for a take.
This time give it
everything you've got.
Use emotional recall.
The same thing. We're
gonna start on the flowers.
And... action.
(camera motor humming)
It's a pan...
What's he...?
Yeah, get with it.
It's a raid! It's a
raid! Everybody out!
It's a raid!
(people screaming)
What's going on?!
(women screaming)
(Felix shouts)
Oscar, what's going on?!
I said, "Cut!"
Why?!
Felix, you were trying
to make a nice picture
about a human being.
Phil had another picture in mind
about a different
kind of a human being.
Those two could never
have gotten together.
What are you talking about?
Don't you know the kind of
film he wanted to make? No!
It was a porno film!
A double X-rated film!
The smut you see on 42nd Street.
Wow!
Oh, my!
You know, I saw
things through my lens
that looked peculiar
to me, but I...
I guess I was
blinded by ambition.
All, all I saw was
my name on a film.
Thank you, Oscar, for saving me.
You're, you're a true friend.
One thing. What?
Only the director says "cut."
Oscar?
Yeah?
You asleep? No.
Can I come in?
Sure.
I couldn't sleep.
Mind talking for a while?
No, go ahead.
It was so ironic.
Felix Unger to
make a smut movie.
I've been a photographer,
what, all my life,
since I was 14.
You know, I remember
when I was a kid.
There was a woman.
I thought she was an older
woman, lived down the street.
Frances Kugle.
We all us boys used to
think about her, you know.
She was a gay divorcee.
She used to undress
without pulling the blind down.
So...
one night I took my
camera and I... I snuck out
and I made pictures
of her undressing.
I was such a straight kid.
I was such a prude
that, to this day,
I've never developed
those pictures.
Good night.
Good night.
What are you gonna do tomorrow?
Have that film developed.
on our show Family USA...
Mother Betty attends
a PTA meeting
and son Harvey stars in
a school Hygiene Pageant
as an abscessed tooth.
Shut it off, Murray.
Shut it off. Wait, I want to hear
about the husband and the daughter.
Husband Bob, teenage daughter
Allison and boyfriend Brian
go to Cleveland on
a shopping spree.
Gee, those people
have a great life.
Who cares what
kind of life they have?
It's such an awful show.
I liked it, Felix.
You're a wonderful man, Murray.
You like it 'cause
you're not a pro.
Pros can see right
through that kind of guff.
I liked it, Felix.
It was dull, Murray, dull.
Well, it was a documentary
about an average family.
Just everyday people
like you and me.
Everyday people
aren't necessarily dull.
I'm certainly not dull.
You... you're not a pro, Murray.
You're just...
The first rule of filmmaking is
no matter what your subject is,
you don't treat it in a
dull, uninteresting manner.
That director, he-he
had no imagination.
He never probed into the
insides of that-that family.
The... They had no drama. The...
The father finds out his
daughter's a prostitute.
Big deal.
But they never got into
why. Why does he find out?
(muttering) I'm sick and
tired of your bellyaching, Felix.
Did you say what
I thought you said?
Yes, I did.
I'm fed up with your crabbing.
That's not what
you said, Murray.
Aw, bellyaching, crabbing...
It's all the same thing
and I'm fed up with it.
That's not like you.
I'm not like me.
The police department's been
having group therapy sessions
and we're supposed to
say exactly what we feel.
You'll find I'm a lot
more candid now,
and I'm gonna be
candid with you, Felix.
If you think you know so much,
then why don't you
make your own picture?
Instead of criticizing
everybody else,
just put your money
where your mouth is, Buster.
Where you going?
Now, I'm gonna go home
and straighten out my wife.
(door closes)
He's right.
The fuzz is right.
I should make my own film.
Felix Unger directs.
What? What kind of film?
A documentary.
About whom?
It should be about
an interesting person.
Someone dramatic.
Me.
Act and direct in my first film?
No, I'll do that in
my second film.
What? Any subject you know
how you can make it interesting.
The first thing you
see out the window.
There's the janitor.
I'll zoom in and...
no, he's boring.
He's a boring janitor.
I'm gonna talk to the
landlord about finding
a more exciting janitor...
Someone with charisma,
someone... someone
who's got... (door opens)
Ah!
Zoom in.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Would you mind
zooming out, please?
Don't you want to
know why I zoomed in?
No. Why not?
Because I don't care.
Aw, you're just being
cranky. Sure you...
What do you got in the bag?
Got my dinner. I
didn't have time to eat.
I'll make you something. No.
You're not gonna
eat in your room.
I won't make a mess.
FELIX: You'll attract bugs.
OSCAR: They gotta eat, too.
When Sherman
marched through Georgia
he left it neater than this.
Felix, why are you
following me around?
I've had a brainstorm. What?
I want to make a film.
Go ahead.
Listen, you're a cleanie...
Maybe you're a Fellini. (laughs)
I want to make a film about you.
Are you ki... I'm a working
man. I can't be bothered with that.
I won't bother you. You'll
never know I'm here.
Cinema vérité. See?
I'm panning down,
I'm panning down your leg.
(laughing): I zoom
in on your sock.
You got holes in your socks.
(cackles) It's summertime.
Now you're going
to toss your pants
across the lamp, aren't you?
No, I'm gonna hang 'em up. See?
Zoom in on that.
That's the zoom-in...
Then I zoom across...
I zoom down across
the bed, across the floor.
I gotta shoot this
in black and white.
Nobody would ever
believe it in color.
How come all of a sudden
you're gonna do a film?
Because every time I
see a movie or watch TV,
I hear myself say,
"I could do it better,"
and tonight I just got fed
up with my bellyaching
and I said to myself, "Felix,
be candid with yourself.
Put your money
where your mouth is."
Boy, I haven't seen
you this excited
since they invented liquid wax.
It's that important to you?
Yeah, it really is. It really is.
And you won't bother me?
I promise, you'll
never... Cinema vérité.
You're just yourself. I'm
a camera. I'm invisible.
Okay, shoot your picture, but I
don't want to notice you, Felix.
You'll never know I'm
there. Okay. Good night.
Good night. Put out the light.
Good night, star. Good night!
Good night. Sleep tight.
Yeah. Don't let the bugs bite.
(motor humming)
Oscar's bedroom... take one.
(laughs) You're
eating a sandwich.
I'm noticing you, Felix.
Now, I'm panning down
across the bed, across the floor.
My title shot... I got my title!
Mondo Filth.
Hi, Felix.
Ah, the star awakens.
Go back, go back, go back.
What? Go back.
Oh... Gotta film your entrance.
Here we go. Wait a second.
Uh, here we're
coming... All right, action.
That's it. I'm hungry.
Great. Great. Great.
There we go. Take
you down here. Great.
Okay, okay, now, go back.
I'll get it from this angle.
Why? I just... I got your
morning trance as you come in.
Now, I want to get your
characteristic slump as you go into...
Don't say that. I don't
slump. That's not nice...
Here we are. Okay... action.
Now, you're coming into frame.
You're coming
in... that's great.
That is so good.
Where's the slump?
That's it.
That's marvelous.
That's marvelous.
Now wait a second...
Let me get a
close-up of your food.
Oh, look what he's doing.
Look what he's doing.
That's sensational.
Go to it, Tiger. Attaboy.
Oh, you got a stain.
Let me get the stain,
let me get the stain.
That's no good. That's
not good for a stain.
Why not? It's just in
a bad spot for a stain.
I'll put one in a good spot.
How's that? Is that okay?
Isn't that great?
Isn't that sensational?
Oh, please, leave
me alone, will you?
What a sense of
humor. What a guy.
There's a newspaper right
in front of your face, though.
Yeah. You see, I put
something in front of me,
I look at the words.
It's called reading.
No, no... That's
how I make my living.
I can't see your
face with it up there.
But it's more important.
Gotta make a living.
All right, cut, cut!
Picture's over.
Wait a second. Don't leave.
You haven't had
your dessert yet.
Dessert with breakfast?
Prunes. Prunes?
You eat prunes first.
I'm shooting out of sequence.
Anyway, I hate prunes.
That's what I want to get.
I want to get every
facet of your personality.
Every single bit of you.
Yeah. I want to get the hate.
You want to get the hate?
Okay, you rolling? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm rolling.
Follow my arm.
Yeah. Here comes hate in facets.
Here's hate. Facets. Ah,
great, great. Sensational.
Just be your messy self.
(muttering)
Marvelous, just marvelous!
Oh, that's so wonderful...
Wait, wait, I'm
coming with you. Wait!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Can you guess
where my camera is?
Here. Yeah.
No, don't touch the lens.
You never touch the lens.
That's my microphone.
(shouting): Hello.
No, shh.
Don't shout, it's too delicate.
I don't know...
I don't think Mr. Madison's
gonna like this.
Well, he doesn't
have to know about it.
You're not gonna
tell him, are you?
Okay, mum's the word.
Yeah, now, the main thing
is just to engage
him in conversation.
Talk.
Loud, get him to
talk loud. Loud.
And try to get him to face
up towards the camera.
Okay. Okay.
I think he's coming.
Hide.
Hi, Myrna.
(shouting): Good
morning, Mr. Madison!
You look pretty as a picture!
Can I have a sip of your coffee?
Felix left early this morning
and didn't make any.
I'll go plug in the pot!
Before you do that get me
the New York Jets file, will you?
What?
Get me the New York Jets file!
What?
(shouting): I said get
me the New York Jets file!
Don't you want to talk?
No, I just want the file.
Oh, here's the file.
Myrna, why are you yelling?
What?
I said what's with
all the yelling here?
(softly): That's
better. How are you?
(camera motor humming gently)
Ow!
Ooh!
He caught you.
Oh, I couldn't
fool you, could I?
But it was worth it. I
got some great stuff.
Felix, I don't want that
around my neck anymore.
I don't want it in front
of my face anymore.
That's okay. I'm not
here. Felix, will you stop?
A week ago you promised
you weren't gonna bother me.
Now you're in my hair at
home, you're in my hair at work.
Give me the file, will you?
I gotta stop. I
can't do it anymore.
I'm not getting any work
done. Give me the f... Look!
She's looking at the
camera. Felix, here, look.
Look, hey! Bye-bye.
The end. Oh, no, no, no.
You're not gonna walk off
the picture, are you? Yes, I am.
No, you wouldn't. Oh, it's
coming along so beautifully.
I've seen the stuff. It's great.
Felix, are you willing to show
your film to a professional...
Let him decide
whether it's good or not?
Well... do I have to?
Yes. Then I will.
Okay, I'll bring him
home for dinner tonight.
Who is he?
Phil Russell.
He makes spaghetti westerns.
Okay, I'll make
some spaghetti. Okay.
Have to remember
to buy spaghetti.
A lovely spaghetti
dinner, Felix.
Thank you, Phil.
Now, here's a shot of Oscar
eating breakfast.
Isn't that marvelous?
You ever see a
man eat like that?
There's the original stain.
There's the new one.
Sensational, huh?
Here's a shot of
Oscar's bedroom.
I call this scene
"Believe it or not"
I didn't have to have
a set decorator either.
His room looks
like that all the time.
Here's Oscar asleep
under a blanket of old
clothes and magazines.
Look at that. He's
sleeping the wrong way!
Here's Oscar shaving.
Did you ever see a
man shave like that
with a cigar in his mouth?
(laughs) Here he is brushing
his teeth at the kitchen sink,
washing his mouth out with beer.
The water running, Phil.
Can't you just feel the
wetness, the tactile values?
Look at Oscar washing
his hands on film.
Look... wait... That's
what I call acting.
What acting? I've been washing
my hands like that all my life.
And that's all she wrote.
Great footage, huh?
Not so loud, Felix.
I think your great
footage put him to sleep.
No, I'm not asleep.
I was just thinking.
You were thinking how
you can get out of here
without telling him how
rotten it was, right, Phil?
On the contrary,
it was terrific.
What? Really? Really?
As a matter of fact, you
gave me an idea here.
Felix, I'm doing a
film that is dying.
It's about a girl, Christina,
a Swedish stewardess.
But it needs, it needs
something to balance it.
I need a story
about a lonely man.
Oscar!
He comes across as a lonely man.
Yeah, yeah!
Here's the thing.
If I could put my film
about the Swedish stewardess
together with your film
about the lonely
man, it'll be perfect!
My film is 16-millimeter.
Ah, mine's super
eight, but I'll blow it up.
Felix, Felix, I want you to
direct the rest of this picture.
Oh!
We'll have a big
confrontation scene
where the lonely
man meets Christina.
As a matter of fact,
we can shoot that scene
right here in this apartment.
What about a script?
Improvise, just like
you've always done.
I'll supply the
lights and the crew.
My own crew!
And all you have to
supply is the apartment
and the lonely
man. You've got him!
You've got him!
How about it, Oscar?
Me?
Sure! You're the co-star!
Phil, you're as crazy as he is!
I'll give you 500 bucks!
500 bucks?!
Oscar. Hi, Felix.
I've been waiting for you.
What do you think
I have in my hand?
A book.
But what book?
An Actor Prepares
by Stanislavski.
Who's he?
The founder of the
Method school of acting.
This is the bible.
I think you should
have a lesson in acting.
Acting? What happened
to "be yourself"?
That's when you
were being yourself,
but now you must become
a character... Luke Marlow.
Luke Marlow?
Luke Marlow, lonely,
sportswriter, slob.
I think we should
begin at the beginning
with a very simple exercise.
Yes. All right, I think you
should become an object.
What do you mean,
become an object?
Before you can become a man,
you must be something simpler.
Acting is becoming.
You become an object.
What was I before I was
Oscar Madison, a pretzel?
Here's a pretzel.
That's too easy, see?
I think you should be a tree.
What kind of tree?
Any kind of tree you want to be.
I'm an elm tree.
That's very good.
That's... Why'd you stop?
I saw a dog coming.
Oh, come on!
Come on, this is the silliest...
It's not silly.
It's not silly.
You see, you chose
to be that kind of tree.
Acting is a matter of choices.
The greatest actors make
the most interesting choices.
You could've
chosen to be a bush.
That's a bush?
A thorn bush.
You see, you feel the
thorns, feel the danger? Yeah.
Yes, yes, you don't
have to be a bush.
You could have
chosen to be a hedge.
That's a hedge?
A perfectly-trimmed hedge.
That's the kind of hedge I
would be if I were a hedge.
You would be a...
A sloppy hedge.
Yes, exactly.
Now... emotion,
the most important
part of acting.
Now I'm going to throw an
emotion at you, you respond.
Hate!
Okay, you say "hate," I'm
supposed to act. That's impossible!
Oh, no, you use
emotional recall.
You recall a time
when you hated. Oh.
And then it comes flooding out.
That's what the great actors do.
All right, now hate!
(grunts angrily) (gasps)
Boy, that, that
came from the heart.
I felt that. That was great.
What were you recalling?
The day you moved in.
Whatever.
I'm gonna give you another one.
Sadness.
(sobbing)
Oh, Oscar, I'm, I'm sorry.
I-I went too far.
That... oh, that's
not nice of me.
I'm sorry. That... What
were you recalling?
The same day.
You're having fun
with me. Yeah, yeah.
See, that's why your
acting was superficial.
You see, you can't do that.
(buzzer sounds) Wait.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna answer the door.
You're not going to use any
of the things we practiced?
Here's an elm tree
answering the door.
No, no. What do
you want me to do?
You create a
situation out of reality.
You heard the
doorbell ring? Yeah.
Who's there? I
don't know until I see.
Your worst enemy. Who?
The worst enemy you have
in the world. Oh, oh, I see.
The man who put
the bullet in your leg.
The other leg. The upstage leg.
A man who stole your wife away
and broke both your arms.
He's on the other
side of the door.
You can hear him breathing.
He can hear you.
You reach for the doorknob,
he reaches for his Luger...
You answer the door.
I'll show you how to do it.
(doorbell buzzes)
When I find the man
who took my wife,
who caused me all
this pain, I'll kill him!
(screams)
(indistinct conversations)
FELIX: You understand?
We're just gonna light this
general area right in here.
Later, we'll come in
for our specific lighting.
Right now, we're gonna have...
(doorbell buzzing)
Okay.
(laughs)
Hey, Phil, baby!
Felix, how are you?
Meet Ed, my
partner... Hello, Ed.
Distributor for Black
Sox Productions.
Well, this is the big day.
Yeah. Is this the set?
Yeah. You like it?
Yeah, perfect for a living room.
It is a living room, Ed.
Where, where's Oscar?
He's in wardrobe. I'll get him.
Patience, everybody.
We'll be right with you.
Oscar!
Well, Phil, I hope this
scheme of yours works.
Where's the bed?
Forget the bed.
There's only three ways
we can go with this film:
If we show the Christina
film now, the way it is,
we'll get a double "X"
rating and go to jail.
What?
If we cut in that Navy stuff,
well, then we can only
show it in the Philippines.
Well, you know how
much money there is there.
I got enough bamboo.
Right... so we go with
Luke the lonely sportswriter
and hope for an "R"
with an explanation.
You really think having
Madison will give it,
uh... remedialingly
sociable valuables?
Let's hope so.
Well, where's the bed?
Please, you handle the business,
let me handle the creative!
All right, all right.
Here's our star!
Hey! (cheering)
Oscar, baby, you look wonderful.
Meet my partner, Ed.
How are you?
Pleased to meet you.
I love your column.
Well, you know my motto is
"Never interfere
with the artist."
So if you're all
set, we'll leave.
Come on, Ed. We're set.
The camera's loaded,
we're ready to roll.
Hey...
You bring this in for less
than $10,000, and I'll kiss you.
Not only that, we're
gonna make a picture
you can take your
children to see.
Are you kidding?
Where's the bed?
Now, everybody, we're
gonna have a rehearsal,
so spread out for a nice party.
Let's have you in twosomes
so I can get you.
This is going to be
a rehearsal more for me
than for you, I assure you.
And we're gonna
have a nice party.
I'm going to begin
here on the flowers.
I'm gonna go from
couple to couple,
so let's try it just for me now.
Here we are... and action.
That's very nice. That's right.
Keep your hair back from
your face, dear. That's nice.
That's okay. You're dancing.
We'll dub in music later.
That's sweet. That's very good.
Very, very good, and
we come down here.
Where are they?
There they are.
No, no, that's not right.
No!
Oscar, no!
Cut!
You two have just met.
Oh, but I really dig him,
not just professionally.
But I mean I-I really dig you.
You don't understand,
dear, you're not motivated.
Yes, she... We're
motivated, Felix.
Man, woman, recall...
all those things.
Now listen, sit up
straight. Sit up straight.
Like a nice girl. Sit...
Now, you've just met.
You sit on the
couch and you talk.
Talk? You mean there's sound?
Of course, look
at the microphone.
Oh!
Oh, I've never been
on sound before.
Marty, Marty, come here.
What'll I say? I could sing.
Listen, I'm a
little nervous, too.
See, I never acted before.
Oh, acting's easy.
It is?
Yeah. I'm just a
substitute schoolteacher.
I've done lots of movies.
Did you see Last
Tango In Tijuana?
You mean Last Tango in Paris.
There's one in Paris, too?
Oh, far out!
I've got to make it to
Sweden. Yeah, listen...
Do you know how creative they are?
How sensitive? Excuse me a minute...
Felix? Felix, talk to you for a
minute. Get back in your place, actor!
It's very important. Actor,
get back in your place.
Hey, you playing Luke? Yeah.
Hi. I'm playing Harry,
the friendly next-door neighbor.
Don't I know you?
Did you see Last Tango?
In Tijuana?
No, Tampa.
Didn't you work on a newspaper?
No, I work in a hospital.
I'm a male nurse.
Felix.
Huh? Come here. (mutters)
There's something fishy
about these actors here.
You got butterflies
in your stomach?
No. Will you listen to
me? She's not an actor.
She's a substitute
schoolteacher, he's a male nurse.
You see what I mean?
Relax, Luke.
Will you forget the
Luke?! This is Oscar!
There's something
strange about these actors.
You're nervous, aren't
you? That's good.
Use it! Use it!
Keep in the part.
Here we go, everybody.
All right, thank you, everybody.
That was an excellent rehearsal.
Now we're going for a take.
This time give it
everything you've got.
Use emotional recall.
The same thing. We're
gonna start on the flowers.
And... action.
(camera motor humming)
It's a pan...
What's he...?
Yeah, get with it.
It's a raid! It's a
raid! Everybody out!
It's a raid!
(people screaming)
What's going on?!
(women screaming)
(Felix shouts)
Oscar, what's going on?!
I said, "Cut!"
Why?!
Felix, you were trying
to make a nice picture
about a human being.
Phil had another picture in mind
about a different
kind of a human being.
Those two could never
have gotten together.
What are you talking about?
Don't you know the kind of
film he wanted to make? No!
It was a porno film!
A double X-rated film!
The smut you see on 42nd Street.
Wow!
Oh, my!
You know, I saw
things through my lens
that looked peculiar
to me, but I...
I guess I was
blinded by ambition.
All, all I saw was
my name on a film.
Thank you, Oscar, for saving me.
You're, you're a true friend.
One thing. What?
Only the director says "cut."
Oscar?
Yeah?
You asleep? No.
Can I come in?
Sure.
I couldn't sleep.
Mind talking for a while?
No, go ahead.
It was so ironic.
Felix Unger to
make a smut movie.
I've been a photographer,
what, all my life,
since I was 14.
You know, I remember
when I was a kid.
There was a woman.
I thought she was an older
woman, lived down the street.
Frances Kugle.
We all us boys used to
think about her, you know.
She was a gay divorcee.
She used to undress
without pulling the blind down.
So...
one night I took my
camera and I... I snuck out
and I made pictures
of her undressing.
I was such a straight kid.
I was such a prude
that, to this day,
I've never developed
those pictures.
Good night.
Good night.
What are you gonna do tomorrow?
Have that film developed.