The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Songwriter - full transcript
Felix wants to write a hit song for Oscar's current girl friend, Jaye P. Morgan.
♪ And I say it 'cause I love ♪
(drums soloing)
♪ Having you around. ♪
Thank you.
(applause in distance)
EMCEE (in distance): Jaye P.
Morgan, ladies and gentlemen!
Hi. Come on in. Hi.
Miss Morgan'll be
here in a minute.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Come on, come on. Oh, look!
Oh, isn't this beautiful!
A star's dressing room... wow!
MIRIAM: Oh!
(playing jaunty chords)
Boy, I'm really
impressed with you, boy.
A date with Jaye
P. Morgan... wow.
It's a giant step up
from crazy Rhoda
Zimmerman, I'll tell you that.
Look, you wanted to meet
her; I'm going to introduce you.
Then you're going to take a
giant step out of here, right?
Right. Okay.
Well, fooled 'em again.
Oh, you sang great tonight.
Hi. Thank you.
You know my manager,
Bernie Morty, don't you?
Yeah. Hi. Delighted.
Oh, I'd like you to meet
Miriam Welby, Jaye P. Morgan.
Oh, hi. I loved your show.
OSCAR: Felix Unger,
Jaye P. Morgan.
Miss Morgan, you
were just, just marvelous!
Just absolutely marvelous.
A flawless performance.
You're a total pro. Just...
Aw, you were
disappointed, weren't you?
He doesn't understand
your kind of humor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I
was just kidding.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm gonna change, okay?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
(whispers):
Terrific... Wow. Wow.
What are you doing?
She said, "Make
yourself at home."
Where's the cap for this?
Here it is, and now leave
everything alone, will you?
I'm just straightening
her dressing room...
Felix! Uh, oh, look at the
albums over there on the table.
Ooh, boy! Yeah!
Oh, all the ones we have.
Uh, excuse me, sweetheart.
Listen, I got to
run along, honey.
Good show.
Thanks. Listen,
I'll see you later.
By the way, is
everything set for Vegas?
BERNIE: Yeah. Say, but what do
you say we add one more "up" tune?
Something we've
never done before.
Something fresh,
huh? JAYE P.: Okay.
Delighted.
Thank you, Mr. Morty.
Did you hear that?
What?
What Mr. Morty said.
Yeah. Delighted.
What he said before that.
No. What did he say?
He said she should
add an "up" tune.
So?
How does a big singer
like that find new tunes?
I guess where she
finds the old tunes...
From a professional songwriter.
New kid just can't get a break.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You're not a new kid.
You're old enough
to be a professional,
but you're not.
Now, forget it, Felix.
I wasn't talking about me.
Now, I-I... I wrote that
hit song in the army.
Oh, not the army song!
Oh, that. I didn't mean that.
It's... I-It's up. It's up, boy.
It's an "up" tune. It's up...
JAYE P.: Oscar, would
you mind handing me
my beige shoes, please?
Okay.
Which one? These?
Mm.
(Felix plays intro on piano)
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives ♪
♪ An American
never forgives... ♪
I wrote this song in the
army. I won the Silver Canteen
for it.
♪ Let's force him
to surrender... ♪
The Gold Canteen was won
by "In Der Führer's Face."
♪ In incendiary splendor ♪
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives. ♪
(laughs)
It's called "To a Sour Kraut."
Felix, Germany isn't
our enemy anymore.
What a waste of a good song.
I just wanted to show you
an "up" tune, you know.
Yeah, and now, Felix, we're
going to leave. Yeah, yeah.
Felix, it was
wonderful meeting you.
I hope I see you
again soon. Thank you.
And keep writing
those "up" tunes. I will.
I won't let you
down, I promise you.
We're gonna be a smash in Vegas.
(laughs) Good-bye.
I really like him. He's cute.
(Felix playing various
chords and notes on piano)
(playing harmonious,
then discordant notes)
(playing "To a
Sour Kraut" melody)
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives... ♪
It's not right.
I'm trying to write a new
song for Jaye P. Morgan,
but that great old tune
of mine is so catchy,
it just keeps going
through my mind.
(plays tune)
(whispers)
Maybe I could modernize it.
♪ Let's kiss Kissinger
where he lives... ♪
Felix, can't you kiss Kissinger
some other place,
some other time?
I'll just have to work
this out for myself.
I'm not gonna bother
you; I'm gonna work softly.
You can help me
by typing softly.
I got it!
Morgan!
Now what is Jaye P. Morgan?
She's happy and peppy.
Got to write a happy
and peppy song.
Now, what words
suggest happy and peppy?
Happy and peppy.
Happy... and peppy what?
Bernstein.
Happy and peppy Bernstein?
No, no, no, it's got
nothing to do with you.
He's the manager of the
fighter I'm writing about.
What's the fighter's
name? Jo Jo Luft.
Luft. Luft.
Bernstein and Luft.
Bernstein and... Ah...
Happy and peppy
and bursting with love.
That's going to work.
That's going to work!
(plays new tune)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love... ♪
(plays "The Sour Kraut" melody)
See?
It's a different
melody altogether.
It's different. Now...
Now, for the second
line, I need something
to keep that happy and
peppy leitmotif going.
♪ Dancing, singing ♪
♪ Dancing and singing... ♪
Dancing.
It's got to rhyme with love.
What rhymes with love?
Skies above.
Oh, that's old hat.
Heavens above.
That's fresh?!
♪ Dancing and singing
to heavens above... ♪
Think it's too much like
"The Impossible Dream"?
(muttering)
I got a roll going here.
Roll. Roll.
I can use that.
♪ Jumping and rolling, like... ♪
(groans)
What? What rhymes... What...?
What jumps and rolls?
A frog with a hernia.
Shut up, please!
Shut up.
Up. Up. Lup. Dup.
Gup. Cup. Sup. Pup.
Pup! Pup! Pup!
That's good.
♪ Jumping and rolling
like a little pup... ♪
You see, and the
melody goes down.
That's good.
♪ Like a little pup... ♪
What are you writing?
"If he hits me, I'm
gonna get up again."
That's good. I can use that.
♪ If they knock me down,
I'm gonna bounce back up... ♪
And the melody goes up.
You see, you're
an inspiration to me.
That's good. That's very good.
What are you writing now?
I need another line.
"Blood spurted profusely
from both nostrils at
the sound of the bell."
Can you use that, Mozart?
The bell... I can use the bell.
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ Happy, precocious,
and swell. ♪
I've finished the song.
All by myself, and you helped.
You want your name on it?
No, no, you can
keep all the glory.
I only write songs as a hobby.
Ah. I got to work on this.
I've got to polish it and
make it so professional.
Just perfect for Jaye P. Morgan.
Here we go again.
♪ Let's Hitler
where he lives... ♪
Such a catchy tune.
(sighs)
Quiet in the studio, please.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Tape is rolling.
"To be or not to be.
That is the question."
Testing, testing.
Good. Where's Oscar?
Oscar!
Oscar!
Pilot to tower, pilot to tower.
Request landing. (imitates
Morse code beeping)
FELIX: Come on, let's go.
Ah... What are you doing?
OSCAR: What's going on here?
You of all people should know.
This was your idea.
It was my idea to
turn my living room
into a cocktail lounge?
I'm acting like a professional.
We're making a
professional demo tape.
When you hear it,
you'll take it with pride
to Jaye P. Morgan and say,
"Here is a professional song."
Now... And this is a
professional rock group?
What's their names...
"The No Dimensions?"
Come on. Don't kid around.
These are very
accomplished people.
Miriam studied bass as an adult.
(hearty laugh)
You've heard Murray on guitar.
(strumming brisk
Latin-flavored phrase)
Yeah, "Nose-ay" Feliciano.
On piano, we've got me.
(trilling notes)
And you're my tambourine man.
Okay.
Come on. I don't know
how to play this thing.
That's okay,
Oscar. I'm faking it.
I just know how to spin it.
(laughing)
Yeah, it'll be a gas
gigging with you, Oscar.
Where'd you pick up that lingo?
Oh, we busted a
rock group last week.
This is going to be so much fun.
I don't know what to do.
You just follow me.
You're the percussion section.
You feel it. You feel it.
Now, is everybody set?
Quiet in the studio, please.
Tape... Shh! Shh!
Keep the thing... It's
not me. It's the thing.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Tape is rolling.
(clicks button)
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
by Felix Unger.
Take one.
(whispers): One, two, three...
♪ Happy and Peppy... ♪
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Yeah!
What are doing?
You told me to feel it.
You're carrying on like a
crazy Gypsy. What is that?
I'm feeling, feeling. You
want me to feel it, I'm feeling it.
You feel the accents.
You put in accents, not
the whole thing, mish-mosh!
What kind of accents?
Happy. Like that.
You want me to hit it?
You underline the word.
Quiet in the studio, please.
OSCAR: Tell me...
Tape... shh, shh!
Tape is rolling.
"Happy and Peppy,"
take two.
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with... ♪
You're doing it again!
I hit it! You told
me to hit it like this.
You hit it after "happy,"
you didn't hit it after "peppy."
You didn't tell me
to hit it after "peppy."
You said hit it after "happy."
Happy... and peppy...
and bursting with love.
You want two after
"love." Tell me...
That's right. Don't you feel it?
Sure. Happy...
Quiet in the studio, please.
This a demo, boy.
This is professional.
This is the only thing
she's going to hear.
It's got to be perfect.
Yeah, this could mean a
lot of money to us, Oscar.
You know how
much that rock group
that we busted made
on just one song?
How much?
A quarter of a million dollars.
Just four guys who met in jail.
A quarter of a million dollars?!
It happens all the time...
Overnight millionaires.
I turned down the
biggest bribe of my career.
Your tambourine man is back.
FELIX: All right.
Quiet in the studio.
Tape is rolling.
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
by Felix Unger.
And Oscar Madison.
Take three.
(whispers): One, two, three.
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above ♪
♪ Jumping and
rolling like a little pup ♪
Arf! Arf!
♪ If you knock me down ♪
♪ I'm gonna bounce
back up, yeah ♪
♪ Happy and peppy
and feeling so swell ♪
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ I'll trod down that
field with fury ferocious ♪
♪ Happy, precocious and swell. ♪
Yeah!
(indistinct, enthusiastic
congratulations)
FELIX: I don't understand
why we have to come here.
Why don't we go direct
to Jaye P. Morgan?
Wolfman Jack is the
biggest disc jockey
in the country
and he's a friend.
I want his professional opinion.
If he likes it, I'll
bring it to Jaye.
And let me do the talking.
If you need any
help. Give me a cue.
Yeah, if you see
me drop my pants
and do the "Funky
Chicken," that's your cue.
Come on.
(rock melody playing) Mm!
Feel all those
vibrations, sweetheart;
get it into your
soul, on WNBC 66...
Wolfman.
Oh, Oscar Madison!
How you doin'? Gimme ten, baby!
Oh, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate
you taking the trouble
to listen to our song.
Oh, with the Wolfman,
good vibes of friendship,
you understand. This is
my partner, Felix Unger.
He's got the music with him.
Give me ten, Felix.
Give ten.
Get down with your bad self.
Good, baby.
He's your partner?
OSCAR: Listen, Wolfy,
we know you're busy, so...
we'll just leave the
music, okay, Felix?
Well, listen, I dig the tape.
I will definitely
listen to the tape.
Yeah, at your own
leisure, of course.
FELIX: Solid. All
right, definitely.
Definitely. We-We
just want you to know
that we are cognizant
of your position
as arbiter of taste for
the younger generation.
Most appreciative, sir.
What's he talking about?
What's... what's
he talking about?
Just leave the tape, Felix.
Have you, uh, have
you got a machine here
or are you going to
take it into another room
and listen in privacy?
I'll dig the tape,
like, I'll dig the tape.
Here's the sheet music, in
case you want to follow along.
Give me the tape. Give me
the tape. And the tape. Yes.
We-We... thank you.
Thank you. Solid.
"Now if you stand
real close to your radio,
"the Wolfman is gonna
inject a little boogie
"right into your
ever-lovin' soul.
"Now let's all ride the
elephant of happiness
through the jungle
of love, mama."
Felix, he doesn't read it,
if he read it like that, he
would be unemployed.
You gotta give it feeling.
You gotta move it,
you gotta do the whole...
Let me see that...
I'll show you.
(raspy, like Wolfman): "Now if
you stand real close to the radio,
"the Wolfman is gonna
inject a little boogie
"right into your ever-lovin'
soul, into your ever-lovin'...
Through the love of ma..."
Yeah, but it
fattens your pocket.
(raspy, like Wolfman): "Now if
you stand real close to the radio..."
That's it. Move! That-a-boy!
That's it! Yeah, go!
"The Wolfman's gonna
inject a little boogie
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
"right into your ever-lovin' soul.
"Now let's all ride the
elephant of happiness
Through the j..."
I dig sound.
I dig, I dig noises...
Brass, scratches,
screams in the night,
you understand?
I mean, I dig noise, man,
but... this is something else.
You brought me down.
I mean, I haven't been
this down since 1957.
Later.
Right now, let's get rid
of all the weird vibrations
out of the studio here tonight.
I want you all to lay
your hand on the radio
and feel all the goodness
I gonna lay on you
this evening, friends.
Wolfman coming down off that
battery acid I drank last night.
Ahh...!
Will you, please?
Oscar? Come on, please?
Please show her the song.
No!
Just for me?
No. Please.
Like the Wolfman said,
(raspy like Wolfman):
"Your song's nowhere."
Forget the Wolfman.
He wasn't reacting to the song.
He was reacting
to me. He hates me.
And he didn't have the
guts to take it out on me,
so he took it out on our song.
No, no, not our song; your song.
He attacked your song... see?
I don't want
anything to do with it
and I'm gonna take
my name right off it now.
There you go.
What have you got
here? Hors d'oeuvres.
I made 'em myself.
That's not frozen.
Liverwurst on potato chips
is hors d'oeuvres? Yeah.
Come on, please.
Jaye P. Morgan's gonna
be right in this room
in a few minutes...
Just show her the song.
That's all. No.
She's gonna be here
because I made a
social date with her.
I don't want the words
"music," "records" mentioned.
In fact, I don't
even want you here.
(doorbell buzzes)
Can I meet the company
at least? No, you can't.
Please. Please. No.
Got to your room!
Oh, boy, what a gyp!
Hello.
Oscar, is that you?
Yep.
Well.
What a nice dark room.
(laughs)
Oh, is there a step here? I...
It's too dark, isn't it?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm not wearing clothes anyway.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Come on, sit down.
I made some special
hors d'oeuvres for you.
It's not frozen.
Made 'em myself.
Here, it's liver pâté
on potato chippé.
Mmm.
No thanks, I'll eat later.
Oh, I'll leave 'em there.
If you're hungry, just
help yourself, okay?
I'll put on some music.
(dramatic, romantic
instrumental playing)
Would you like a drink?
I have some very
rare vintage wine.
What year?
Thursday.
Okay.
It comes, this rare vintage wine
from the jolly
green French winos.
What'll we drink to?
A new record collection.
I usually allow my
guests to smell the cork.
Well, I'll taste it.
Most of it's in my glass anyway.
Hey, that's terrific.
Nice.
Oscar, do you like to dance?
Ooh, I'd love to. Good!
I love to watch.
Come on, I was just joking.
You think that's joking...
wait'll you dance with me,
you'll know what a joke is.
("Happy and Peppy" intro
playing on tape player)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above... ♪
JAYE P.: Wait,
wait, wait a second.
Strings are coming out this ear,
something else is
coming out this ear.
I'll shut off this ear.
No, no, no, wait a second.
It's kind of catchy. I like it.
You do?
Yeah, I like it.
I wrote it.
You wrote a song?
Well, I wrote the words
and the lyrics, you know.
FELIX: Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were here.
Sorry to interrupt. I
was just rewinding a tape
of "Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
that new hit song that's
sweeping the country.
Oscar told me he just wrote it.
Well, Felix helped. I mean...
Is... Is that a copy?
FELIX: Yes. Let me look at it.
OSCAR (grumbling): I'll look...
You see, Mr. Hammerstein?
This song is going
to be big coin, buster!
What's he doing?
I think he's putting
his name on it.
Well, if you want to hear it,
it's right here on the cassette.
I've got to run
along, but there it is
for your listening pleasure.
You know how to work it,
don't you? I know how to work it.
Just push the start
button. That's right.
We'll do it. Okay.
I'll leave you love bugs alone.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
What a helpful little fellow.
I trained him right, too.
Let me get the music back on.
Listen, I'm glad you like
the music. Yeah, I do.
But, uh, we'll talk
about that later.
Now, where were we?
I think we were
just going to dip.
Let's go, baby, and dip.
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
(whistling and cheering)
Yes!
Oh, more!
More! Let's hear it!
Whoo!
(whistling)
More.
Thank you.
Thank you. You're very kind.
I really, really appreciate it.
You know, people
are always asking me
where new songwriters
are coming from.
Well, they could come
from anywhere, really.
One day, a man could be a
commercial photographer...
(whispering):
Portraits a specialty.
Portraits a specialty...
Or a sportswriter...
And the next day, they could
be the writer of a big hit song.
Well, that's happened.
A sportswriter and a
commercial photographer
collaborated on a song and...
Well, they're here tonight
and if it doesn't
embarrass you, guys,
stand up and take a bow.
Felix Unger and Oscar Madison.
(applause)
Thank you.
Just like to take this
opportunity to say our thanks
to a very great star
who took a chance on a
couple of relative unknowns.
It was my pleasure, really.
It was her pleasure...
You hear that?
That's a star.
What other star would say that?
Kate Smith, maybe...
Right now, I'd like to
give you my rendition
of their wonderful song called
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love."
(slow, mellow jazz intro plays)
♪ Happy and peppy ♪
♪ And bursting with love... ♪
Where are the
accents? The accents?
Shh, shh, shh! She just started.
Give her a chance
to get into it.
♪ Dancing and singing ♪
♪ To heaven above... ♪
It's got no tempo.
It's got no tempo.
It's supposed to
be an "up" tune.
She wanted an "up" tune.
Maybe this isn't it.
♪ Jumping and rolling ♪
♪ Like a little pup ♪
What's she doing?!
It's her interpretation.
Did Kate Smith interpret
"God Bless America"?
♪ If you knock me down ♪
♪ I'm gonna bounce
back, back up... ♪
No one bounces like that.
That's not the
way the song goes.
I wrote this song. I know this song.
Felix, please! It's very hard. Please!
♪ Happy and peppy ♪
♪ And feeling so well... ♪
She never liked me.
She never liked me at all.
♪ Happy... ♪
Okay, bring it on
home now, come on!
♪ And swell! ♪
(applause)
Thank you very much.
Come on, come on
over and take a bow!
JAYE P.: Come on!
Come on up, Felix.
Big round of applause
for these two talented men!
Wonderful! Say something.
Here... say it right here.
I just... want to pay tribute
to this inventive songstress.
When Mr. Madison
and I wrote the song,
we had a totally
different concept.
After all, it's called
"Happy and Peppy,"
but you seem to love it, so I
guess that's the right way to do it.
Or is it?
One more time, real fast.
(up-tempo intro)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above ♪
♪ Jumping and
rolling, like a little pup ♪
♪ If you knock me down,
I'm gonna bounce back up ♪
♪ Happy and peppy
and feeling so well ♪
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ I'll run down the field
with fury ferocious ♪
♪ Happy, precocious and swell. ♪
(applause)
♪ Feeling the night ♪
♪ The nearness of you. ♪
They don't write
songs like that anymore.
Isn't that a great
song? That's true.
There's one song
that I really must sing.
You know, we... Yeah. Yeah.
Went over it before.
What do you want?
Well, give me a D-minor seventh.
(playing slow, mellow intro)
♪ Let's... ♪
♪ Hit Hitler where he lives... ♪
America never forgives.
♪ And America ♪
♪ Never forgives ♪
(plays flourish)
Let's force him to surrender.
♪ Let's force him
to surrender... ♪
In incendiary splendor.
♪ In incendiary splendor ♪
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives. ♪
It's catchy. It's a catchy tune.
All right now, let's
bring it on home!
Go!
(bluesy): ♪ Let's hit Hitler ♪
♪ Where he lives ♪
♪ No joke. ♪
(drums soloing)
♪ Having you around. ♪
Thank you.
(applause in distance)
EMCEE (in distance): Jaye P.
Morgan, ladies and gentlemen!
Hi. Come on in. Hi.
Miss Morgan'll be
here in a minute.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Come on, come on. Oh, look!
Oh, isn't this beautiful!
A star's dressing room... wow!
MIRIAM: Oh!
(playing jaunty chords)
Boy, I'm really
impressed with you, boy.
A date with Jaye
P. Morgan... wow.
It's a giant step up
from crazy Rhoda
Zimmerman, I'll tell you that.
Look, you wanted to meet
her; I'm going to introduce you.
Then you're going to take a
giant step out of here, right?
Right. Okay.
Well, fooled 'em again.
Oh, you sang great tonight.
Hi. Thank you.
You know my manager,
Bernie Morty, don't you?
Yeah. Hi. Delighted.
Oh, I'd like you to meet
Miriam Welby, Jaye P. Morgan.
Oh, hi. I loved your show.
OSCAR: Felix Unger,
Jaye P. Morgan.
Miss Morgan, you
were just, just marvelous!
Just absolutely marvelous.
A flawless performance.
You're a total pro. Just...
Aw, you were
disappointed, weren't you?
He doesn't understand
your kind of humor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I
was just kidding.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm gonna change, okay?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
(whispers):
Terrific... Wow. Wow.
What are you doing?
She said, "Make
yourself at home."
Where's the cap for this?
Here it is, and now leave
everything alone, will you?
I'm just straightening
her dressing room...
Felix! Uh, oh, look at the
albums over there on the table.
Ooh, boy! Yeah!
Oh, all the ones we have.
Uh, excuse me, sweetheart.
Listen, I got to
run along, honey.
Good show.
Thanks. Listen,
I'll see you later.
By the way, is
everything set for Vegas?
BERNIE: Yeah. Say, but what do
you say we add one more "up" tune?
Something we've
never done before.
Something fresh,
huh? JAYE P.: Okay.
Delighted.
Thank you, Mr. Morty.
Did you hear that?
What?
What Mr. Morty said.
Yeah. Delighted.
What he said before that.
No. What did he say?
He said she should
add an "up" tune.
So?
How does a big singer
like that find new tunes?
I guess where she
finds the old tunes...
From a professional songwriter.
New kid just can't get a break.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You're not a new kid.
You're old enough
to be a professional,
but you're not.
Now, forget it, Felix.
I wasn't talking about me.
Now, I-I... I wrote that
hit song in the army.
Oh, not the army song!
Oh, that. I didn't mean that.
It's... I-It's up. It's up, boy.
It's an "up" tune. It's up...
JAYE P.: Oscar, would
you mind handing me
my beige shoes, please?
Okay.
Which one? These?
Mm.
(Felix plays intro on piano)
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives ♪
♪ An American
never forgives... ♪
I wrote this song in the
army. I won the Silver Canteen
for it.
♪ Let's force him
to surrender... ♪
The Gold Canteen was won
by "In Der Führer's Face."
♪ In incendiary splendor ♪
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives. ♪
(laughs)
It's called "To a Sour Kraut."
Felix, Germany isn't
our enemy anymore.
What a waste of a good song.
I just wanted to show you
an "up" tune, you know.
Yeah, and now, Felix, we're
going to leave. Yeah, yeah.
Felix, it was
wonderful meeting you.
I hope I see you
again soon. Thank you.
And keep writing
those "up" tunes. I will.
I won't let you
down, I promise you.
We're gonna be a smash in Vegas.
(laughs) Good-bye.
I really like him. He's cute.
(Felix playing various
chords and notes on piano)
(playing harmonious,
then discordant notes)
(playing "To a
Sour Kraut" melody)
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives... ♪
It's not right.
I'm trying to write a new
song for Jaye P. Morgan,
but that great old tune
of mine is so catchy,
it just keeps going
through my mind.
(plays tune)
(whispers)
Maybe I could modernize it.
♪ Let's kiss Kissinger
where he lives... ♪
Felix, can't you kiss Kissinger
some other place,
some other time?
I'll just have to work
this out for myself.
I'm not gonna bother
you; I'm gonna work softly.
You can help me
by typing softly.
I got it!
Morgan!
Now what is Jaye P. Morgan?
She's happy and peppy.
Got to write a happy
and peppy song.
Now, what words
suggest happy and peppy?
Happy and peppy.
Happy... and peppy what?
Bernstein.
Happy and peppy Bernstein?
No, no, no, it's got
nothing to do with you.
He's the manager of the
fighter I'm writing about.
What's the fighter's
name? Jo Jo Luft.
Luft. Luft.
Bernstein and Luft.
Bernstein and... Ah...
Happy and peppy
and bursting with love.
That's going to work.
That's going to work!
(plays new tune)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love... ♪
(plays "The Sour Kraut" melody)
See?
It's a different
melody altogether.
It's different. Now...
Now, for the second
line, I need something
to keep that happy and
peppy leitmotif going.
♪ Dancing, singing ♪
♪ Dancing and singing... ♪
Dancing.
It's got to rhyme with love.
What rhymes with love?
Skies above.
Oh, that's old hat.
Heavens above.
That's fresh?!
♪ Dancing and singing
to heavens above... ♪
Think it's too much like
"The Impossible Dream"?
(muttering)
I got a roll going here.
Roll. Roll.
I can use that.
♪ Jumping and rolling, like... ♪
(groans)
What? What rhymes... What...?
What jumps and rolls?
A frog with a hernia.
Shut up, please!
Shut up.
Up. Up. Lup. Dup.
Gup. Cup. Sup. Pup.
Pup! Pup! Pup!
That's good.
♪ Jumping and rolling
like a little pup... ♪
You see, and the
melody goes down.
That's good.
♪ Like a little pup... ♪
What are you writing?
"If he hits me, I'm
gonna get up again."
That's good. I can use that.
♪ If they knock me down,
I'm gonna bounce back up... ♪
And the melody goes up.
You see, you're
an inspiration to me.
That's good. That's very good.
What are you writing now?
I need another line.
"Blood spurted profusely
from both nostrils at
the sound of the bell."
Can you use that, Mozart?
The bell... I can use the bell.
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ Happy, precocious,
and swell. ♪
I've finished the song.
All by myself, and you helped.
You want your name on it?
No, no, you can
keep all the glory.
I only write songs as a hobby.
Ah. I got to work on this.
I've got to polish it and
make it so professional.
Just perfect for Jaye P. Morgan.
Here we go again.
♪ Let's Hitler
where he lives... ♪
Such a catchy tune.
(sighs)
Quiet in the studio, please.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Tape is rolling.
"To be or not to be.
That is the question."
Testing, testing.
Good. Where's Oscar?
Oscar!
Oscar!
Pilot to tower, pilot to tower.
Request landing. (imitates
Morse code beeping)
FELIX: Come on, let's go.
Ah... What are you doing?
OSCAR: What's going on here?
You of all people should know.
This was your idea.
It was my idea to
turn my living room
into a cocktail lounge?
I'm acting like a professional.
We're making a
professional demo tape.
When you hear it,
you'll take it with pride
to Jaye P. Morgan and say,
"Here is a professional song."
Now... And this is a
professional rock group?
What's their names...
"The No Dimensions?"
Come on. Don't kid around.
These are very
accomplished people.
Miriam studied bass as an adult.
(hearty laugh)
You've heard Murray on guitar.
(strumming brisk
Latin-flavored phrase)
Yeah, "Nose-ay" Feliciano.
On piano, we've got me.
(trilling notes)
And you're my tambourine man.
Okay.
Come on. I don't know
how to play this thing.
That's okay,
Oscar. I'm faking it.
I just know how to spin it.
(laughing)
Yeah, it'll be a gas
gigging with you, Oscar.
Where'd you pick up that lingo?
Oh, we busted a
rock group last week.
This is going to be so much fun.
I don't know what to do.
You just follow me.
You're the percussion section.
You feel it. You feel it.
Now, is everybody set?
Quiet in the studio, please.
Tape... Shh! Shh!
Keep the thing... It's
not me. It's the thing.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Tape is rolling.
(clicks button)
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
by Felix Unger.
Take one.
(whispers): One, two, three...
♪ Happy and Peppy... ♪
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Yeah!
What are doing?
You told me to feel it.
You're carrying on like a
crazy Gypsy. What is that?
I'm feeling, feeling. You
want me to feel it, I'm feeling it.
You feel the accents.
You put in accents, not
the whole thing, mish-mosh!
What kind of accents?
Happy. Like that.
You want me to hit it?
You underline the word.
Quiet in the studio, please.
OSCAR: Tell me...
Tape... shh, shh!
Tape is rolling.
"Happy and Peppy,"
take two.
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with... ♪
You're doing it again!
I hit it! You told
me to hit it like this.
You hit it after "happy,"
you didn't hit it after "peppy."
You didn't tell me
to hit it after "peppy."
You said hit it after "happy."
Happy... and peppy...
and bursting with love.
You want two after
"love." Tell me...
That's right. Don't you feel it?
Sure. Happy...
Quiet in the studio, please.
This a demo, boy.
This is professional.
This is the only thing
she's going to hear.
It's got to be perfect.
Yeah, this could mean a
lot of money to us, Oscar.
You know how
much that rock group
that we busted made
on just one song?
How much?
A quarter of a million dollars.
Just four guys who met in jail.
A quarter of a million dollars?!
It happens all the time...
Overnight millionaires.
I turned down the
biggest bribe of my career.
Your tambourine man is back.
FELIX: All right.
Quiet in the studio.
Tape is rolling.
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
by Felix Unger.
And Oscar Madison.
Take three.
(whispers): One, two, three.
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above ♪
♪ Jumping and
rolling like a little pup ♪
Arf! Arf!
♪ If you knock me down ♪
♪ I'm gonna bounce
back up, yeah ♪
♪ Happy and peppy
and feeling so swell ♪
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ I'll trod down that
field with fury ferocious ♪
♪ Happy, precocious and swell. ♪
Yeah!
(indistinct, enthusiastic
congratulations)
FELIX: I don't understand
why we have to come here.
Why don't we go direct
to Jaye P. Morgan?
Wolfman Jack is the
biggest disc jockey
in the country
and he's a friend.
I want his professional opinion.
If he likes it, I'll
bring it to Jaye.
And let me do the talking.
If you need any
help. Give me a cue.
Yeah, if you see
me drop my pants
and do the "Funky
Chicken," that's your cue.
Come on.
(rock melody playing) Mm!
Feel all those
vibrations, sweetheart;
get it into your
soul, on WNBC 66...
Wolfman.
Oh, Oscar Madison!
How you doin'? Gimme ten, baby!
Oh, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate
you taking the trouble
to listen to our song.
Oh, with the Wolfman,
good vibes of friendship,
you understand. This is
my partner, Felix Unger.
He's got the music with him.
Give me ten, Felix.
Give ten.
Get down with your bad self.
Good, baby.
He's your partner?
OSCAR: Listen, Wolfy,
we know you're busy, so...
we'll just leave the
music, okay, Felix?
Well, listen, I dig the tape.
I will definitely
listen to the tape.
Yeah, at your own
leisure, of course.
FELIX: Solid. All
right, definitely.
Definitely. We-We
just want you to know
that we are cognizant
of your position
as arbiter of taste for
the younger generation.
Most appreciative, sir.
What's he talking about?
What's... what's
he talking about?
Just leave the tape, Felix.
Have you, uh, have
you got a machine here
or are you going to
take it into another room
and listen in privacy?
I'll dig the tape,
like, I'll dig the tape.
Here's the sheet music, in
case you want to follow along.
Give me the tape. Give me
the tape. And the tape. Yes.
We-We... thank you.
Thank you. Solid.
"Now if you stand
real close to your radio,
"the Wolfman is gonna
inject a little boogie
"right into your
ever-lovin' soul.
"Now let's all ride the
elephant of happiness
through the jungle
of love, mama."
Felix, he doesn't read it,
if he read it like that, he
would be unemployed.
You gotta give it feeling.
You gotta move it,
you gotta do the whole...
Let me see that...
I'll show you.
(raspy, like Wolfman): "Now if
you stand real close to the radio,
"the Wolfman is gonna
inject a little boogie
"right into your ever-lovin'
soul, into your ever-lovin'...
Through the love of ma..."
Yeah, but it
fattens your pocket.
(raspy, like Wolfman): "Now if
you stand real close to the radio..."
That's it. Move! That-a-boy!
That's it! Yeah, go!
"The Wolfman's gonna
inject a little boogie
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
"right into your ever-lovin' soul.
"Now let's all ride the
elephant of happiness
Through the j..."
I dig sound.
I dig, I dig noises...
Brass, scratches,
screams in the night,
you understand?
I mean, I dig noise, man,
but... this is something else.
You brought me down.
I mean, I haven't been
this down since 1957.
Later.
Right now, let's get rid
of all the weird vibrations
out of the studio here tonight.
I want you all to lay
your hand on the radio
and feel all the goodness
I gonna lay on you
this evening, friends.
Wolfman coming down off that
battery acid I drank last night.
Ahh...!
Will you, please?
Oscar? Come on, please?
Please show her the song.
No!
Just for me?
No. Please.
Like the Wolfman said,
(raspy like Wolfman):
"Your song's nowhere."
Forget the Wolfman.
He wasn't reacting to the song.
He was reacting
to me. He hates me.
And he didn't have the
guts to take it out on me,
so he took it out on our song.
No, no, not our song; your song.
He attacked your song... see?
I don't want
anything to do with it
and I'm gonna take
my name right off it now.
There you go.
What have you got
here? Hors d'oeuvres.
I made 'em myself.
That's not frozen.
Liverwurst on potato chips
is hors d'oeuvres? Yeah.
Come on, please.
Jaye P. Morgan's gonna
be right in this room
in a few minutes...
Just show her the song.
That's all. No.
She's gonna be here
because I made a
social date with her.
I don't want the words
"music," "records" mentioned.
In fact, I don't
even want you here.
(doorbell buzzes)
Can I meet the company
at least? No, you can't.
Please. Please. No.
Got to your room!
Oh, boy, what a gyp!
Hello.
Oscar, is that you?
Yep.
Well.
What a nice dark room.
(laughs)
Oh, is there a step here? I...
It's too dark, isn't it?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'm not wearing clothes anyway.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Come on, sit down.
I made some special
hors d'oeuvres for you.
It's not frozen.
Made 'em myself.
Here, it's liver pâté
on potato chippé.
Mmm.
No thanks, I'll eat later.
Oh, I'll leave 'em there.
If you're hungry, just
help yourself, okay?
I'll put on some music.
(dramatic, romantic
instrumental playing)
Would you like a drink?
I have some very
rare vintage wine.
What year?
Thursday.
Okay.
It comes, this rare vintage wine
from the jolly
green French winos.
What'll we drink to?
A new record collection.
I usually allow my
guests to smell the cork.
Well, I'll taste it.
Most of it's in my glass anyway.
Hey, that's terrific.
Nice.
Oscar, do you like to dance?
Ooh, I'd love to. Good!
I love to watch.
Come on, I was just joking.
You think that's joking...
wait'll you dance with me,
you'll know what a joke is.
("Happy and Peppy" intro
playing on tape player)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above... ♪
JAYE P.: Wait,
wait, wait a second.
Strings are coming out this ear,
something else is
coming out this ear.
I'll shut off this ear.
No, no, no, wait a second.
It's kind of catchy. I like it.
You do?
Yeah, I like it.
I wrote it.
You wrote a song?
Well, I wrote the words
and the lyrics, you know.
FELIX: Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know you were here.
Sorry to interrupt. I
was just rewinding a tape
of "Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love"
that new hit song that's
sweeping the country.
Oscar told me he just wrote it.
Well, Felix helped. I mean...
Is... Is that a copy?
FELIX: Yes. Let me look at it.
OSCAR (grumbling): I'll look...
You see, Mr. Hammerstein?
This song is going
to be big coin, buster!
What's he doing?
I think he's putting
his name on it.
Well, if you want to hear it,
it's right here on the cassette.
I've got to run
along, but there it is
for your listening pleasure.
You know how to work it,
don't you? I know how to work it.
Just push the start
button. That's right.
We'll do it. Okay.
I'll leave you love bugs alone.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
What a helpful little fellow.
I trained him right, too.
Let me get the music back on.
Listen, I'm glad you like
the music. Yeah, I do.
But, uh, we'll talk
about that later.
Now, where were we?
I think we were
just going to dip.
Let's go, baby, and dip.
Yeah.
(audience applauding)
(whistling and cheering)
Yes!
Oh, more!
More! Let's hear it!
Whoo!
(whistling)
More.
Thank you.
Thank you. You're very kind.
I really, really appreciate it.
You know, people
are always asking me
where new songwriters
are coming from.
Well, they could come
from anywhere, really.
One day, a man could be a
commercial photographer...
(whispering):
Portraits a specialty.
Portraits a specialty...
Or a sportswriter...
And the next day, they could
be the writer of a big hit song.
Well, that's happened.
A sportswriter and a
commercial photographer
collaborated on a song and...
Well, they're here tonight
and if it doesn't
embarrass you, guys,
stand up and take a bow.
Felix Unger and Oscar Madison.
(applause)
Thank you.
Just like to take this
opportunity to say our thanks
to a very great star
who took a chance on a
couple of relative unknowns.
It was my pleasure, really.
It was her pleasure...
You hear that?
That's a star.
What other star would say that?
Kate Smith, maybe...
Right now, I'd like to
give you my rendition
of their wonderful song called
"Happy and Peppy
and Bursting with Love."
(slow, mellow jazz intro plays)
♪ Happy and peppy ♪
♪ And bursting with love... ♪
Where are the
accents? The accents?
Shh, shh, shh! She just started.
Give her a chance
to get into it.
♪ Dancing and singing ♪
♪ To heaven above... ♪
It's got no tempo.
It's got no tempo.
It's supposed to
be an "up" tune.
She wanted an "up" tune.
Maybe this isn't it.
♪ Jumping and rolling ♪
♪ Like a little pup ♪
What's she doing?!
It's her interpretation.
Did Kate Smith interpret
"God Bless America"?
♪ If you knock me down ♪
♪ I'm gonna bounce
back, back up... ♪
No one bounces like that.
That's not the
way the song goes.
I wrote this song. I know this song.
Felix, please! It's very hard. Please!
♪ Happy and peppy ♪
♪ And feeling so well... ♪
She never liked me.
She never liked me at all.
♪ Happy... ♪
Okay, bring it on
home now, come on!
♪ And swell! ♪
(applause)
Thank you very much.
Come on, come on
over and take a bow!
JAYE P.: Come on!
Come on up, Felix.
Big round of applause
for these two talented men!
Wonderful! Say something.
Here... say it right here.
I just... want to pay tribute
to this inventive songstress.
When Mr. Madison
and I wrote the song,
we had a totally
different concept.
After all, it's called
"Happy and Peppy,"
but you seem to love it, so I
guess that's the right way to do it.
Or is it?
One more time, real fast.
(up-tempo intro)
♪ Happy and peppy
and bursting with love ♪
♪ Dancing and singing
to heaven above ♪
♪ Jumping and
rolling, like a little pup ♪
♪ If you knock me down,
I'm gonna bounce back up ♪
♪ Happy and peppy
and feeling so well ♪
♪ I'm gonna answer
when I hear the bell ♪
♪ I'll run down the field
with fury ferocious ♪
♪ Happy, precocious and swell. ♪
(applause)
♪ Feeling the night ♪
♪ The nearness of you. ♪
They don't write
songs like that anymore.
Isn't that a great
song? That's true.
There's one song
that I really must sing.
You know, we... Yeah. Yeah.
Went over it before.
What do you want?
Well, give me a D-minor seventh.
(playing slow, mellow intro)
♪ Let's... ♪
♪ Hit Hitler where he lives... ♪
America never forgives.
♪ And America ♪
♪ Never forgives ♪
(plays flourish)
Let's force him to surrender.
♪ Let's force him
to surrender... ♪
In incendiary splendor.
♪ In incendiary splendor ♪
♪ Let's hit Hitler
where he lives. ♪
It's catchy. It's a catchy tune.
All right now, let's
bring it on home!
Go!
(bluesy): ♪ Let's hit Hitler ♪
♪ Where he lives ♪
♪ No joke. ♪