The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 7 - That Is the Army Mrs. Madison - full transcript

Is this Olaf's Diner?

Is Oscar Madison
having lunch there?

Well, if he comes in, would
you tell him that his secretary

is waiting at his
apartment for his column?

Thank you.

Myrna Turner.

Yeah, you sound cute, too, Olaf.

Bye.

Did you locate
your prodigal boss?

Not yet.

I tried every place he eats at:



The April Fool
Taco, Edible Eddie's.

Did you try his
new gourmet spot...

Hesh and Heidi's Nautical Nosh?

Not there either.

I found some marvelous
old photographs

I want to show you. Of what?

You as a baby on a bearskin rug?

(laughing)

I never posed on a bearskin rug.

I was always
allergic to animals.

Even stuffed ones.

What did you curl
up in your crib with?

A sponge.

There's me as a baby.



Oh, you sure had chubby cheeks.

Who's the man with you?

That's my Uncle Eric.

He had six fingers
on his right hand.

I used to love to watch
him wave bye-bye.

Oh, this is a nice one. Yeah.

That's Oscar and
Blanche's wedding picture.

I don't understand.

I see you in an army uniform

and Mrs. Madison
in a wedding dress,

but I don't see Mr. Madison.

Oh, Oscar wasn't there.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

You mean, Mr. Madison
wasn't at his own wedding?

Well, he was there
for a little while.

Didn't he ever
tell you about it?

No. Tell me.

I love to hear the inside
stuff on Mr. Madison.

'Cause all I ever see on the
outside are ketchup stains.

Well, it all started when
we were in the army reserve.

We were just getting
ready to go away

for our annual two
weeks of summer camp.

In those days,
Oscar was a bachelor

and Blanche was
trying to talk him out of it.

So she came over
to the apartment.

Don't forget to check
my mail, Blanche.

I'll forward anything
that looks important.

What did you say the name
of your bookie was again?

I'm going to miss
your jokes, Blanche.

Don't forget, don't touch
anything in the apartment.

Everything is in
it's proper place.

And you'll come every
night you'll feed the fish.

Are you sure there's
something still alive in there?

That tank is filthy.

Food disappears every day.

There must be
something under there.

I'm going to clean
it while you're gone.

Why? The fish love it.

Instead of knocking
themselves out swimming,

they just hang there.

If it gets any thicker, they're
going to have to learn to walk.

I'm gonna miss you, Oscar.

I'm gonna miss you, too, honey.

Do you know how
long we've been dating?

Three Kentucky Derbys.

That's three years.

When a couple dates three years,

do you know what it means?
They can't get other dates.

Aw...!

I know what it means.
We're going steady.

Honey, if I don't
finish packing,

I'm gonna be in trouble.

Felix is going to
be here any minute.

He's gonna drive me to camp.

Hope I have enough...

Oscar... Yes.

Do you love me?

Of course, I love you.

If I didn't love you, I woulda
dumped you years ago.

You're so romantic.

Your silver tongue just
brought a tear to my eye.

I know what you mean, honey.

Two people love each other,
they go together three years,

it usually follows
they get married, right?

Right. I'd better
meet Felix downstairs.

Halt!

Honey, I promise,

the two weeks I'm
away, I'll think about it.

You've said that lots of times.

I can't promise you I'm
always going to be here.

Come on, honey,
you'll always be here.

I'm always here.

(tapping on door)
Probably Felix.

Hi, Felix.

Wow, Felix...

Lieutenant Unger,
Private Madison.

Time to ship out.

Boy, you look great.

Little blood and guts.

Hi, Felix.

Blanche...!

I didn't know you were here.

Am I interrupting anything?

No, just a proposal.

Oscar, you old... oh,

it couldn't happen
to two nicer people.

No, no, I proposed to Oscar
and he turned me down.

Better mind my own beeswax.

That's a good idea.

Off we go, it's 0900 hours.

That's army talk, Blanche. Oh.

Let's go, Madison.

Hold your horses.

Hold your horses?

Look at these, buster.

You're talking to
an officer, soldier.

Sorry, sir. I beg
your pardon, sir.

Oscar, when we get to camp,

I've got to treat you
just like everybody else,

do you understand?
I understand that.

Now, a friend of
mine's driving us there,

Corporal Murray Greshler.

He's a cop, he's
a very nice guy.

When you meet him,

don't say anything
about his nose.

Okay.

Let's go. Bye.

Oh, honey.

Something about a soldier
saying good-bye to his girl.

Come on, soldier, roll the dice.

Seven come eleven.

(men chattering)

Hey, Madison, old buddy,

will you change my sawbuck?

Sure will.

Boy, it's like Monte
Carlo in that latrine.

Yeah, it's a fun latrine.

Hey, thanks for bringing
all the equipment, babe.

You sure you don't want to play?

Naw, I gotta write
this letter to my girl.

Hey, the rumor is that you
know Blanche Summers

from Kew Gardens. Is that true?

Yeah, you know her?

Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.

She was engaged to
my buddy Cecil Panche.

This guy Cecil Panche, was
he really gonna marry her?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, hey! Hey!

MP! MP!

No, no, it's just Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

Hey, what should we do tonight?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

Oh. Listen, the
medics are showing

those hygiene films again.

You wanna go? What for?

I know how to brush my teeth.

Not back and forth, up and down.

No, it's the sex hygiene one.

You know, "Men, don't
let this happen to you."

Nothing's gonna happen to me,

'cause I'm gonna
stay in tonight.

Aw, come on, let's do something.

Hey, let's go into town
and dance up a storm.

The Eagles Club is having
a big Charleston contest.

You know... ♪
Da, da, da, da... ♪

Murray... I'll take every
prize they got, Oscar.

Look, Murray, I'd
rather be alone, okay?

Oh. Anything wrong?

No, it's just that somebody's
dancing in front of me

while I'm trying to
think and write a letter.

Okay, okay. Don't be so touchy.

I mean, camaraderie is part
of being in the army, Oscar.

If you don't want to
comarade with me, that's okay.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, I'll just
take a rain check.

Lieutenant's coming! (yells)

Ten hut!

At ease, men.

This is for your orientation.

Men, we're a
special services unit.

(crunching)

We're not artillery,
infantry or tankers.

We're entertainers.

Our weapons

are mirth, merriment and music.

While you're here
at Fort Ira Epstein,

you will be required to think,
dress and behave like soldiers.

If any one of you
wants to test my mettle,

you'll find that I'm a rock.

On the other hand, if
you have a problem,

I hope you'll think
of me as a buddy.

'Cause I also have a heart.

I'm known as the
rock with a heart.

Any questions?

Do we get weekend passes, sir?

Affirmative.

If you pass inspection tomorrow.

And I expect every man in
my outfit to pass inspection.

Fortunately, we
have in our midst

the perfect example
of what not to do.

Step forward, soldier.

Me, sir?

Unless your feet are
stuck in the debris.

Look at this soldier.

In any other army in the
world, he'd be shot on sight.

Did you bring your
bunk from home?

Uniform of the day is fatigues,
Madison, not exhaustion.

Is that cap regulation?

For the New York
Yankees it is, sir.

(laughing)

Don't encourage him,
men. Don't encourage him.

But if you really want to laugh,

let's look at his foot locker.

Open your locker, Madison.

It's not a foot locker,
it's a delicatessen.

Our objective, men,

is to pull this man through
inspection tomorrow.

Because a good
soldier is a clean soldier,

and a clean soldier
is a good soldier,

and a good, clean
soldier is good.

Dismissed.

How was I?

What's the matter with Madison?

He didn't take this
personally, did he?

I was just using
him as an example.

Oh, I don't think so.

He's been kind of glum.

I think his trouble's
back H-O-M-E.

Home. Ah.

Well, I'll have to look into it.

How's your morale, Greshler?

Comme si, comme ca, sir.

Fellas making fun of your nose?

Saying "why do
we need artillery,

we've got Greshler's nose."

"The army can't find
a gas mask to fit him."

"When he looks up, it
looks like a two-car garage."

I've never heard
that one before, sir.

I've heard it.

They're saying that, Greshler.

What do you have on your arm?

Military police.

And you wear it with pride.

Wear your nose with pride.

You were issued it.

Push back your cap and
let the world see your nose.

Dismissed.

Thank you, sir.

Hiya, doughboy.

Got any problems?

Oh, forget the bars. Come on.

This is... let's
you and me talk.

That's an order.

It's Blanche.

The girls we leave behind.

Felix, I called her
when we got here.

She was having a party.

There were a lot of guys there.

See, she's a terrific girl.
I don't want to lose her.

What does your heart say?

My heart says marry her, but
I can't get my mouth to say it.

Well, I, myself, am shy,
but I think I can help you.

No, Felix. Thanks.

But this time, I
gotta do it myself.

You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm going to call her. Aw...

Yeah, I'm going to tell
her to come here tomorrow

and I'm going to marry her.

That's what I'm going to do.

I didn't say "dismissed"!

You're not dismissed

till I say you're
dismissed. (door slams)

I'm going to let it
go this time, but...

Here you go, Operator.

Give me a clear
connection, will you?

The main thing is,
be calm. Be calm.

This is the most
important decision

you'll ever make in your life.

If you make a mistake now,

you're going to pay
for it as long as you live.

Felix, do me a favor, will you?

Don't calm me down.

Hello, Blanche. How are you?

Huh? Oscar. I can
hardly hear you.

What are you doing?
Having another party?

Who's there? Cecil
Panche is there?

Keep calm. Another
party with Cecil Panche.

State your case now.
Be calm. Be romantic.

I wanna... What I wanna... I
wanna... You... Blanche, I...

Blanche, I want...

I want... I want...

I want to have time to think.

Here. You talk to her
while I find the right words.

Go ahead. Hi, Blanche.

Lieutenant Unger here.

Yes. Oh, everything's
wonderful, Blanche.

Yeah. Just fine.

Why should I lie
to you, Blanche?

It's a snake pit.

The men hate me,
Blanche. I'm a rotten officer.

I don't have any leadership
qualities. I never did.

Even as a kid, I
wasn't a leader.

They made me crosswalk monitor.

I was supposed
to show the parents

where to park their cars.

The parents used to stick
out their hands for a left turn,

and hit me behind the ear.

I found the right words.
Give me the phone.

Same thing in high school.

I was president of
the German Club.

Nobody would listen to me.

If you can't get Germans
to follow orders, who will?

Give me the phone, will ya?

I don't want to
lose the right words.

Of course the men salute
me, but do they love me?

Give me the phone!
Hello, Blanche. This is...

Operator, what do you
mean, my time is up?

I just started talking! I
don't have any more.

Give me some change. I
gave you all my change.

How do you know?
Check! I don't have to check.

I know every item on my person.

I have my comb, I
have my wallet, I have...

Listen, Blanche. Blanche?

Operator, please,
it'll only take a second!

No. Don't cut me off.

No. Don't... She's
going to disconnect me.

Tell Blanche to call you back.

Yeah! Blanche, call me back.

I didn't give her the number.

Banzai!

What are you doing?

Don't! You're destroying
government property!

Save that for the enemy.

(phone ringing)

Uncle Sam caught you!

Hello? Blanche!

How did you know
where to call me?

The operator gave
her the number!

Of course.

Honey, I love you,
and I want to marry you.

Yeah. Tomorrow
morning, I want you

to get the first bus to
Abnerville, Connecticut.

Yeah. I love you, too.

Bye-bye, honey.

We better get out of
here before we get caught.

War is hell.

Where's the justice
of the peace?

He said he'd be here early.

He'll be here.

Blanche? Blanche,
you almost ready?

Yes. I'm just fixing my veil.

You look... you look beaut...

Felix, will you calm down?

The groom is
supposed to be nervous,

not the best man.

You've got to get back to
camp and pass inspection.

I'm not worried about
that stupid inspection.

You'll pass me.
It's not up to me.

Colonel Wyatt's inspecting
today, and he's in a foul mood.

One of the cooks went berserk

and tried to strangle him
with a string of sausages.

Have you got the ring?

Yes, I've got it.
Will you relax?

Why not? I'm not the
one who's getting married.

Well, am I too late?

Fire! Fire! Felix.

Hold it. Hold it.
There's no fire here.

I'm the justice of the peace.

I'm also a volunteer fireman.

I also raise chinchillas,
if you'd like to buy

the little woman a
coat for her anniversary.

All right, I'm the groom.
Can we get started, please?

Just as soon as I take
off my big yellow hat.

Blanche? Blanche, we're
ready now. Blanche...

She's not here. What do
you mean, she's not here?

Oh, honey, you look beautiful.

Sure. For a woman who
just climbed out a window.

Who yelled, "Fire!"?

It was a mistake.
We're ready now.

Shall we take our places?

The bride will enter
through that door.

Crystal, dear, are you ready?

So beautiful,
Blanche, I'm so sorry.

What is that? It's my treat.

I paid five dollars
extra for music.

A couple extra bucks,

you could have
gotten Pluto, too.

Shall we take our places?

Now, the bride will
enter with the music.

Go ahead, Crystal.

(Crystal playing
"The Wedding March")

(hits a sour note) Go... go back

and start again.
She can do it right.

It was just fine.

Crystal likes to do it right.

It helps her confidence.

Oh, huh.

Play it again, Crystal.

(playing "The Wedding March")

(hits a sour note)
Go... go back again.

Maybe you'd like to play
another piece, sweetheart.

Maybe Crystal
would like to hum it.

This man has got to be back
at the base in 20 minutes.

Very well. Crystal, play
what you know best, dear.

(playing scales)

Do you, Oscar Trevor
Madison, take Blanche Summers

as your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Blanche, take Oscar

as your lawful
wedded husband? I do.

Then, by the power vested in
me by the state of Connecticut,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the
bride on the mouth.

Hi, Mrs. Madison.

Hiya, husband.

(playing scales)

(sobbing)

You gotta get back to camp.

Yeah. I hate to kiss and run.

Listen, Felix will
take you to the hotel.

I'll meet you there
later. Okay, honey?

Yeah. And please
pass that inspection.

I don't want to spend
my wedding night alone.

Don't forget to check
your hospital corners!

Bye-bye.

Picture time.

It's all part of the price.

Where's the groom?

He had to go.

Have your picture taken,
Blanche. It's paid for.

Oh, no. A picture of
a bride alone is sad.

I know. Why don't you
have a picture taken with me?

It'll confuse people someday.

You've got my sense
of humor, Blanche.

I'm not the groom, Crystal.

Don't throw rice, Crystal.

You're annoying us, Crystal.

How would you like a whack
on your Mousketeer hat, kid?

You'll be a good mother
someday, Blanche.

Lieutenant...

I'm sorry, sir, that I'm not

wearing the uniform of the day.

You are.

Well, you're
wearing a scarf, sir.

Well, I have to.

I have sausage burns.

I'm sorry, sir.

Lieutenant, come
over here for a minute.

Yes, sir.

Did you notice, in one
of the soldier's lockers,

there are three dresses?

That's Kojeck, sir.

He's a professional
female impersonator.

But I made sure every one of
those pleats is razor sharp, sir.

Will you put the men
at ease, Lieutenant?

At ease!

Men, I am very pleased
with these quarters.

You all pass inspection.

Even you, Madison.

As I recall, last year

we had to send your stuff
to the demolition squad.

I'm a new man, sir.

Good. Well, you'll
all get your passes.

Dismissed.

(all yelling)

Not so fast.

Your pass for the
weekend is rescinded.

But you said, sir, I passed
inspection. Yes, you did.

But you're being punished for
destroying government property.

What government property?

You destroyed a telephone

in the recreation
room yesterday.

Oh, it must have been
somebody else, sir. Not me.

Look, tonight is my
wedding night, sir.

It was you.

Lieutenant Unger here
filed a full report on it.

That will be all.

You will spend this weekend
right here in these barracks.

What have I done?

Oscar, if I had known

they were going
to cancel your pass

and ruin your honeymoon,

I'd never have
reported you today.

I'd have waited till Monday.

(trumpet playing taps)

Hi.

A penny for your thoughts.

A dollar for your death.

Oscar, a fighting force
is not run on sentiment.

What I see, I must report.

I'm an officer. I've
got to do my duty,

even at the risk of
losing your friendship.

Well, you risked
it, and you lost it!

But what I don't
see, I can't report.

Now I'm dismissing myself,

and all I see is a soldier
sitting alone in the barracks.

Blanche! No names, please.

Just a soldier,
and a guard on duty

so they won't be disturbed.

I'm an officer and a gentleman.

Hi, honey.

Hi. Felix gave me this
bottle of champagne,

but I'm not really thirsty.

Oh, neither am I.

Hey, did you ever really
consider marrying Cecil Panche?

Oh, no. I couldn't go through
life as Blanche Panche.

There's no TV
in here, or radios.

Just a lot of beds, you know?

I wore my nightie
over under my coat.

I didn't want to
change in the latrine.

Are you sure you don't mind?

I mean, coming up to Connecticut

on one day's notice,
and that crazy wedding.

And now the honeymoon
suite is an army barracks.

It could have been worse.

We could have been
married in New York,

and then we would
have had to spend

our wedding night
in your bedroom.

(laughing)

FELIX: Is that you, Greshler?

GRESHLER: Yes, sir.
Guarding the area, sir.

Good. Did you bring
your harmonica?

Yes, sir.

Why don't you play it?

Right, sir.

(playing "I Love You Truly")

("I Love You Truly"
continuing on harmonica)

(music continues)

(playing "Hold That Tiger")

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hi, Felix.

Where have you been?

Myrna couldn't wait.

I had to cover the racetrack.

Until this hour?

Took me that long
to borrow carfare.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

What are you doing?
Looking at old pictures?

Yes. What do you see in
that picture, Oscar Madison?

Do you see a girl whose
hopes were shattered

by your irresponsibility,

your gambling, your
all-around sloppiness?

Tell me, Oscar Madison.
What do you see?

Some guy with six fingers.