The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 6 - The New Car - full transcript

(mid-tempo rock music plays)

(music fades)

All right, we'll be back with
more contemporary music

here on The Dick Clark
Radio Show on WZAZ.

Time now for our
big telephone quiz,

and the subject
today is, uh... is... uh...

opera.

Opera is the subject.

And for you kids, that's
music with a lot of killing.

And if we happen to get
ourselves an opera buff,

he or she could win
himself a lot of prizes.



(phone rings)

Oscar, will you get that?

You're right there,
why don't you answer it?

I'm busy.

I'm stirring some
pans for your dinner.

And I'm busy. Come on.

So am I. You know
Myrna and Murray'll be here

any minute.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Oscar Madison.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

What?

Hey, Felix, I'm gonna be
on radio with Dick Clark.

When?



Just now. Yeah. It's
some sort of contest.

How come they picked you?

He said he picked my name
out of the phone book at random.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Shoot. What's the question?

"What was Mimi's real
name in La Bohème?"

Lucia.

Lucia.

Is that right?!

That's terrific!

Felix, you just won
four Caruso records.

Yeah?

I've probably got them already.

"Name two operas set in Egypt

where the hero
faces a trial of priests."

I think they got you there.

Aida, of course,
and The Magic Flute.

Aida, of course,
and The Magic Flute.

Is that the truth?

Felix, you've just won
a season subscription to

the Opera News magazine.

I already take it.

The final question.

Here comes the
biggie. Go ahead. Yeah.

"Name three operas in which the
leading lady is named Leonora."

Il Trovatore, by Verdi.

Il Trovatore, by Verdi.

La Forza Del
Destino, also by Verdi.

Something else by Verdi.

La Forza Del Destino.

La Forza Del Destino.

It means "The Power of Fate."

In German, it's Die
Macht das Schiksal.

In German, it's Die
Macht das Schi...

You don't want it in German.

Felix, come on, I only have
three seconds... another one!

Fidelio, by Beethoven.

Fidelio, by Beethoven.

You're kiddin'?!

Oh, boy! Thanks!
That's terrific.

Felix, I just won a car.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

You mean you
answered the questions

and he won the car. FELIX: Yeah.

Did you ever?

Hi, Myrna, Murray. Just
talking to the radio station.

Sending my car over tomorrow.
Murray, it's the first car I've

owned since Blanche won my
old one from a judge. (laughs)

Yeah. Did he tell
you how I won it?

You tell how you won it!

It was easy. I answered
some questions on opera.

He answered some questions.
Felix helped. That's why I'm

letting him have two of the
three prizes. Felix helped! Yeah.

Don't start again, Felix.

Who wrote La Traviata?

Whoever. (scoffs)

What about Carmen?

What about her?

You see? It knows nothing.

It knows whose car it is.

He's willing to break up
a friendship over greed.

As good a reason
as any, eh, Murray?

It's my car.

Why don't you
keep it in your room?

You've already
got a grease rack.

They called me on my
phone, they told me I won.

It's my car. That's
the end of it.

(sighing): Ohh...!

Hey, make room
for your boss, huh?

Your best friend.

Good to be with buddies,
I'll tell you that, really is.

Hey, what do you say
when I get the car tomorrow,

we all go for a ride, huh?

How about going
to the race track?

Would you like that, Myrna?

Oh, that's right, you
don't like the races.

Murray, what do
you say tomorrow,

we take a ride to
Coney Island, huh?

Look in the crazy mirrors...

make your nose look smaller...

Eh, Murray, the
loop-the-loops...

The cotton candy...
The fun house...

The fun house? Yeah.

No.

Come on, will ya?

You mean, he
answered the questions,

and you're keeping the car?

I am overcome with shock!

You think I cheated him?

Yeah.

You think I cheated him?

Yes. Who cares what you think?

It's my car. I won it.

Why should I give it to
him? He gets everything.

The first thing I
ever won in my life.

Why should I give it to him?

What'd he ever give
me, except trouble?

Oscar, why can't you
two guys share the car?

You mean halfies?

Yeah. Share, share, that's fair.

It's okay with me, if
it's all right with him.

Well, what do you say, Felix?

Hmm? I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.

You want to share the car?

It's okay with me.

Okay, partners.

Hey! I've got a car!

What happened to
"We've got a car"?

Now, we can go to the fun house.

Too late!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(horns honking)

(horns blaring)

Felix, the sign said full.

That means for today.
When they find out

we want rent by the
month, they'll find space.

This garage is nine blocks away

from the apartment!

I'll have to take a
cab to get over here.

Cost me four dollars.

It's worth it for
the peace of mind.

(tires screeching)

All right.

Park it with the dented
fender facing the wall.

Eh, what can I do for you gents?

My name is Felix Unger.
This is Oscar Madison.

Nice names.

We're looking for parking space.

Isn't everybody, huh?

We'd like to rent by the month

on the ground floor
towards the rear,

not under any leaky water pipes.

Okay, sign here.

Leave your phone number.

That's it, huh?

When can we see our space?

That's it. You're looking at it.

You're space 83
on the waiting list.

As soon as I fill 82
spaces, I'll give you a call.

How long'll that be?

Who knows? Two,
three, four years...

(tires squealing)

Hey, easy with that
car, that one's mine!

We can't wait four years.

What do you got
under leaky pipes?

Puddles.

I detect a note of sarcasm.

Be that as it may, there
ain't a garage space

within a hundred-block
radius of this place.

In fact, most of my
openings are inherited.

What should we do?

Check the obituaries.

Follow up leads...

persevere. Aw, come
on, let's get out...

Now, wait, wait. What?

There must be a better
way to handle this. I'll, uh...

(under his breath):
I'll offer him ten dollars.

Will, uh... will this
get us anything?

Sure, two fives.

Felix, come on, we're
not getting anywhere.

There must be some way.

All right. Let's put
our cards on the table.

How high you guys willing to go?

Huh? The limit...

What the sign
says... $50 a month.

Pay no attention to
the sign. It's an old sign.

Last car that got in for
that had a horse in front of it.

Now, how would you feel

if the sign said
$250.00 a month?

For $250.00 a month, I can get
the car three rooms and a bath!

All right. I tell you, I'll
give you one for $200.00,

and that's the same
rate I gave my mother.

That's still too high.
Can't you do any better?

Well, how's it
gonna look if I give

you a better rate
than I give my mother?

You shouldn't
charge your mother.

Don't say anything
about my mother, huh?

Let's keep
personalities out of this.

It's a business.

Utilize your intelligence.

Look around yourself
at the accoutrements.

You think these are donations?

Felix, what do you say?

I say we'll park on
the street. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Where you do you live?

74th and Central Park West.

Central Park West,
32% bus stops.

The rest is one-hour parking.
Seventh Avenue and Broadway,

no parking between
7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.

75th Street you got your
school zone... no parking...

You got your church
on the corner...

74th Street, alternate-
side-of-the-street parking.

You gotta move your car
every morning at 7:00 a.m.

You want to hear about
the East Side now?

I never met a guy who
knew so much about parking.

Hey, parking's my life.

Give me a street, I'll
give you an ordinance.

What do you say?

7:00, we can do it.

You think so?

It's better than
paying blackmail.

Good day, sir.

Go ahead, try it.

Try it on the
street for a while.

Youse'll be back.

Youse'll be back beggin' on
your knees, like my mother was.

Aha!

Oscar!

Oscar!

(banging) (screams)

What're you doin'?
What're you, crazy?

You see that, mister?

See that? I can't even see you.

What do you want?

Look, look, look, look, look!

What? It's 7:01.

Good. What's the temperature?

(mutters)

It's your turn to move the car.

Come on! Better hurry up.

All the spots'll be taken.

Well, you're up already.
Why don't you do it?

Because it's not my turn.

Then why are you all dressed?

I got up at 6:30 to see if you
were going to keep your turn.

(groans)

It shows on the chart.

What chart?

The Whose-Turn-It-Is-
To-Park Chart.

Where does it say on
that chart it's my turn to...?

Right there!

(car horns blaring)

OSCAR: All right, will you?

We're looking for parking space.

Felix, I can't take this
aggravation anymore.

Now let's sell the car.

Are you crazy?

I will never give permission
to sell my half of the car,

and that's that.

(doorbell buzzing)

Hi. Hi. You the one
with a car to sell?

Oscar Madison? Yeah.
You Page Livingston?

I'm Pushover Page. I buy cars.

Come in. Here. Pillow.

Here, for your back.

There you go, Page.

Put your feet right up there.

Oh, thank you. Oh!

Good. Okay, what's it worth?

Uh, it's worth $4,500.

Yeah? It's new, ain't it?

Yeah, it's brand-new,
a week old.

That's a used car.

Oh, I'd better
check my Blue Book.

What do you mean? It's
only got a few miles on it

from going around the block,

trying to find a place to park.

As soon as the wheels touch down

outside the showroom,
it depreciates.

It's like a new bride.

She can be married
ten minutes...

no more new!

Yeah, but you don't understand.

No one's even been
in the back seat yet.

Neatness don't count.

TOGETHER: As soon
as the wheels touch...

All right, with the
depreciation, what's it worth?

Well, with the
depreciation, $3,000.

Okay, that's not bad.

No, no, that's the depreciation.

Uh, $2,000.

$2,000?

FELIX: ♪ Merrily we roll along ♪

Come on in the kitchen.
Make you a cup of coffee.

We've got Brazilian, Colombian,

all kinds of wonderful coffee.

Why don't you go...?

Merrily we roll along,
roll along, roll along ♪

♪ Merrily we roll along,
over the deep blue sea. ♪

Felix, what're you doing home?

You're supposed to be
covering a wedding all afternoon.

Would you believe it?
Neither party showed up.

The bride and groom
jilted each other.

Me, me and the caterer
were left at the altar.

Want some chopped liver mold?

No, thanks. Does this mean

you're gonna hang
around all afternoon?

What a break for us. We
can work on the new chart.

Listen, I've got a
new philosophy.

Alternate weeks,
we'll move the car.

Listen, I'm glad you're on
top of things... I appreciate it...

But, gee, I didn't
expect you home,

and, uh... got a
girl in the kitchen.

She's not touching
any of my things, is she?

No, I made her promise. Oh.

So could you, you know,
disappear a little bit, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You're glad you've
got a car now.

You know it, eh, buddy?

Take her for a
ride in the country.

Or run out of gas.

(laughs) You know
everything, don't you?

Listen, no matter what
happens, don't come out,

because she's hot stuff, okay?

You can come out now.

I didn't make the coffee yet.

We don't have time for coffee.

Oh, your wife
keeps a nice kitchen.

Listen, here are the keys.

I'll take the $2,000.

No, less the
dealer's preparation.

What dealer? Me.

And then there's
the broker's fee.

What broker? Me.

And then there's
the resale tax, and...

What about me?

Okay, you're a nice guy.

Now you're gonna find out why

they call me Pushover Page.

For you, I'll throw the
book away on this one.

$900.

Pick up the book.

The book will be less.

$900? Your ad said you
got the best price in town.

That's the best,
that's the best I can do.

FELIX: Oscar!

Put your head on my
shoulders, will you?

What for? Do it.
I'll explain later.

Are you a nut? Do
it. I won't hurt you.

Look, I'm not that
kind of a pushover.

What's going on here?

Don't come in the room, Felix!

I heard.

Heard what?

He told me you were his date.

Date? I'm nobody's date.

Who are you?

Lady, I own half the
car, and it's not for sale.

Felix!

I love that car,
and it loves me.

You find yourself a nice girl,

you'll be a lot better off.

Don't go, Page!

Don't you touch my body!

I gotta find myself
a nice big dog.

It's a lucky thing I
came home when I did.

The Power of Fate.

La Forza Del Destino.

I'll tell you something.

I've got a flaw in my character.

I'm a softie.

If I weren't this kind of guy,

I'd move out of here
now because of this.

But I forgive you.

That's the cut of my jib.

So, here's the new chart.

Now, alternate weeks.

I'll even overlook that.

(alarm clock ringing)

(ringing stops)

(car engine starts)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hi. I'm refining my
chart. I'm making...

I want you to stop
beating up my charts!

I'm sick of charts.
I'm sick of cars.

I'm sick of parking.
No arguments.

We're getting rid of the car.

Not for $900, we're not.

No, for the full retail value.

From whom?

The insurance company.

What, what are you talking...?

Don't cut me off,
buddy. Come on.

You remember my childhood
friend, Mervin the Finger?

He's out?

Six months now. He
told me about a guy

who helps people like us.

Who are people like us?

People who have a
car they can't get rid of.

He sells them? He steals them.

Cut it out now, Felix.

I'm not going to let you get
mixed up with the underworld.

What underworld? This
is not some sleazy hood.

This is a guy that does
everything out in the open.

He's a big businessman.

Hello, this is Goldilocks.
Can I speak to Papa Bear?

Hang up, Oscar!

I promised I was gonna call him.

I don't want him
to get mad at me.

Out in the open. He
won't be mad at you.

To him, you're just another
Goldilocks. Oscar, stop that.

You know this isn't right.

Is it right what's been
happening to me,

$200 for parking tickets?

Running out of gas
in the Holland Tunnel?

Getting up at the crack of dawn?

The other day I stopped
for something to eat,

they towed away the car.

Cost me $85 for a hot dog.

New York is making
a thief out of me.

You are not a thief.

You are a basically
honest person.

But if you do this, the
Lord will never forgive you.

If he owned a car in
New York, he would.

Oscar! I'm gonna
have the car stolen!

All right. I'm gonna
call the police.

Don't do that. It'll
make you a squealer.

Oscar... Give me...
Will you stop, please?!

Give me the...
give me the phone!

Hello, hello, hello.

Is this Papa Bear?
This is Goldi... (whistling)

What are you
whistling in my ear for?!

Now, if you'll try to
straighten yourself out,

I'll attempt to forget
what I've just seen.

You're right.

This thing is driving me crazy.

Because you're a nice guy,

I'll take your turn
parking tomorrow.

Felix, it's not tomorrow.

Don't you see what
the car has done?

It's driven me to
larceny, blasphemy.

Now it's gonna
drive me to my grave!

Can't we get rid of it?

You're right.

You mean it?

We got the car
without earning it.

Power of Fate.

La Forza Del Destino.

Die Macht das Schiksal.

It was fate, and an evil fate.

We'll sell it tomorrow, okay?

It's so ironic.

I love the car.

I thought of her as
a... a metal goddess.

A thing of beauty
is a joy forever.

Its loveliness increases.

It will never pass
into nothingness.

Oscar!

What?

Come here.

I'm not insured
against vandalism!

La Forza Del Destino.

Die Macht das Schiksal.

10, 15, 20, 25,
28 dollars apiece.

That's all Pushover Page
would give us for a stripped car,

but I'm not complaining.

I'm glad to be a
pedestrian again.

Hmm.

Fate.

I'll never forget the first time

my folks let me take
the car out by myself;

my high school graduation.

I tied a raccoon
tail to the antenna.

I took Mildred
Fleener to the prom.

After the prom, we went
for triple pistachio sundaes...

and we parked
in the moonlight...

and she threw up
all over the front seat.

Do you think I was wrong
not to kiss her good night?

(theme music plays)