The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Odd Holiday - full transcript

Hey, Felix, this sounds
like a fun vacation.

"A two-week tour
of the sin spots

of West Germany."

Where did you get that, Murray?

From an adult travel
agency we raided.

This is where you want to
take your mother on vacation?

Yeah. They gotta learn sometime.

We'll do better than
that for you, Murray.

I really appreciate
what you're doing, Felix.

What's he doing that
you appreciate, Murray?

He's helping me
pick out my vacation.



You want my appreciation,
take him with you.

Hey, I'll be gone for
two weeks, Oscar.

Will New York be
safe without you?

Sure, all the criminals
take vacations in August.

Hey, here's
something interesting.

Look at this.

"Spend two idyllic
weeks in the Caribbean.

Visit San Dominguez."

(whimpers)

Ask him what happened
in San Dominguez, Murray.

What happened in San Dominguez?

(honking)

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪



♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Well, what happened?

It was in San
Dominguez that I...

out of the goodness of my heart,

tried to save Oscar's marriage,

and it cost me mine.

I can remember
it just as clear as...

clear as the nose on your face.

No offense.

Just an expression.

It all started when the
Madisons and the Ungers

decided to take a
vacation together.

Hey, this is just like
a flashback sequence

in the movies.

You know the
screen gets all wavy

and then our faces
get all squishy like that.

Be that as it may, Murray,

my former wife,
Gloria, and I came by

to pick up Oscar and
his former wife, Blanche.

There is no sign of him.

The plane leaves in two hours.

We know that, sweetheart.

Eight years of marriage

and I have never made
a plane without puffing.

What are we gonna do?

We're going to sit here
and contain ourselves

and not make everyone nervous.

(sighs)

That's very
annoying, sweetheart.

(door unlocks, opens)

Where have you
been? Where were you?

At a tea with the queen.
Where do you think?

Oscar, our plane leaves
in less than two hours.

I'm ready.

Well, you can't get
on a plane like that.

Sure he can.

We'll put him in
the baggage class.

Don't worry, I'll
change. Don't bother.

We'll rent you a kennel carrier.

They have them for big dogs.

That's typical Blanche,

start an argument when
we got a plane to catch.

Why don't you admit it.

You did it on purpose,

you never wanted to
go away in the first place.

Well, I did have a beautiful
couple of weeks planned.

I gotta admit that. A couple of
ball games, go to the race track,

shoot a little pool,

catch up on my
sleep, a case of beer.

Now, that is a
beautiful vacation.

A vacation.

He just described our
last New Year's Eve.

Except that night he
wore a football uniform.

You hear that?

Why spend money, go
to the Caribbean to fight

when we can do it here for free?

That's fine with
me, I'm not going!

Good! Blanche, Blanche.

No!

Oscar, I...

I think you rubbed
her the wrong way.

There's no right way to rub her.

For eight years, we never
made it through one vacation.

We fought in front of the
grizzlies in Yellowstone Park.

We fought in front of
Goofy at Disneyland.

We had such a fight
in the Grand Canyon,

if you go there today you
can still hear the echoes.

(yelling)

You see, these people don't know

the first basic ingredient
of a good marriage.

The old give and take.

Am I right?

Well, Felix... It's obvious.

I've got to get them
on this vacation

because if they could
be around us awhile

they would be inspired
by our marriage.

Their marriage of straw would
turn into a marriage of gold.

We could be Mr. and
Mrs. Rumplestiltskin.

Felix, I don't know.

I... But I do.

Glad you're here.

Oscar, Blanche says
she wants to talk to you.

Blanche, Oscar
says he'd like to talk.

It's working.

Oscar, Blanche is
big enough to give in.

Blanchey, Oscar's weakening.

Why don't you meet him halfway?

Okay.

You see, the old give and take.

Well, what do you want?

What do you want?

I though you were
big enough to give in.

Oh...! Oh...!

Oscar, Blanche, Oscar...

call me a cock-eyed optimist,
but I believe in your marriage.

Call me silly, call me nutsy...

You're silly. You're nutsy.

We'll add to the list...

We fought over an
ocean, two new countries

and an unknown lagoon.

Those skies sure
weren't friendly tonight.

I just want to lie down.

That's a good idea.

Terrific.

Where do you want me to
sleep, on the headboard?

Those are the charming,
thoughtful things

that I find so endearing
about you, Oscar.

Like walking ten feet
ahead of me onto the plane.

What's the matter, didn't
you want the stewardess

to know we were together?

How could she not know?

You kept yappin' at
me all through the trip.

All I did was ask
you for one little drink.

Big deal, I didn't get
you one little drink.

Was that any reason to get on
the loudspeaker and announce,

"The lady in seat 23F
wants a Harvey Wallbanger"?

Welcome to this place.

Thank you.

I am only here to please.

Yeah, you carried
the bags great.

Well, is there anything
else I can do to please you?

No. Everything's
wonderful, great.

Nice kid.

That nice kid just got stiffed.

You forgot to tip him.

Shows you how much you know.

I'm supposed to tip him
at the end of my stay.

How do you know? You
never stayed here before.

What're you gonna do,
start a fight over tipping now?

It's as good a reason as any.

Okay! Hey, bellhop!

Come back, I
want to tip you now!

I thought you said you
weren't supposed to tip

until the end of your stay.

Now, you got it. This is it!

The end of my stay! Hello.

Oh, fabulous, fabulous!

Listen, Desk...

this is Oscar Madison
in hut number two.

Send the bellhop back for
the bags; we're checking out.

Yeah. (slams telephone)

Well, here we were.

"Dear Diary: Guess what
we fought about today?

"Whether or not
to tip the bellboy.

I wonder if the judge
will ever believe it."

Excuse me, ma'am.

Certainly. Thank you.

Oscar. Yes, ma'am.

I'm not your
ma'am, I'm your wife.

I know.

Oscar, this way we're not really
giving our marriage a chance.

Boy, we sure do
fight a lot anymore.

How does it look to the natives,

two Americans
calling each other ugly?

Why don't we try to get
along for the next two weeks?

Think we can? We can try.

Remember that couple we saw in
the sand dunes coming over here?

They weren't
fighting, were they?

They sure were kicking
up a lot of sand, huh?

Instead of fighting,

let's see if we can't think
of something else to do.

Like what?

Like this.

Hey, we didn't fight once
during that whole kiss.

Let's try it again.

FELIX: Oscar...! Oh, boy.

Blanche...! Here,
we're in here, Felix.

Hi, gang. Hi.

Felix, we were just
having a business meeting.

We'll meet you later, okay?

I just wanted to tell you that

we're not going to
stay in the main hotel.

We've taken a hut
like you two lovebirds.

Oh, you're gonna love it, you're
gonna love it. Wasn't my idea.

When we got there, the
whole place was sold out,

and they had lost
our reservations.

Can you beat that?

I was going to
make such a scene,

when somebody canceled out of
hut number two, so we grabbed it.

No, Felix, whoa...
this is hut number two.

See, we're the people
who checked out,

but we made up and
now we checked in again.

Ain't that a kick
in the head, huh?

Well, I wouldn't dream
of putting you out.

Well, that's very
understanding of you.

You're welcome
to stay here with us.

What? FELIX: Gloria. Gloria!

Guess what?

We're all going to
stay in the same hut.

Hey, isn't this great?

Remember I said on the plane it
would be nice for your marriage

if you could watch a
happy marriage up close.

Well, we can't get much
closer than this, can we?

Felix, we can't
all live in one hut.

What're we gonna do?

There's not another
room on the island.

Felix, it is kind
of a crazy idea.

Gloria, is that any way for
Mrs. Rumplestiltskin to speak?

Felix, we can't do it.

We'll take a vote.

Yes. Yes.

No. No. It's a tie.

Ramon?

Yes.

Nighty-night, kids.

Good night.

Going to sleep under
that open window?

Yeah. What about it?

No wonder your
marriage is shaky,

your resistance is low. (laughs)

Me and my crazy sense of humor.

Night-night.

Glass of water?

Check. Mosquito repellent?

Check. Sleep mask?

Check. Tissues?

Check. Nose drops?

Where are my nose drops?

They're in your hand.

Ah, check.

Lights... out. Check.

He makes your bed
checklist look like a dream.

What do I do?

Gargle, belch and
punch the pillow.

(blowing "Taps")

Good night, sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

I'm gonna do something I
haven't done in 25 years.

What's that?

Say my prayers.

(blows two ascending notes)

Post time!

Come on, Gloria, up and at 'em.

Oh, Felix, I'm sleepy.

One more hour. No, no, no.

Come on, we want to
start the Madisons off right.

Show them how a happy
couple starts the day.

Come on. Come on.

Let's agree to an hour.

No. We're gonna
miss the sunrise.

Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Felix, we like to sleep late.

What has it got ya?!

Sleep!

So that you'll wake
up groggy and irritable.

Gloria and I wake up
happy and greet the new day.

Don't we, Gloria?

Maybe that's good
for you and Gloria.

Blanche and I
like to sleep late.

Who's the marriage
counselor here, you or me?

You've always done
things your way.

For once in your
life, do things my way.

All right, all right.

That's a nice boy. Well, now
that we're all bright and shiny,

we'll have a super
island breakfast, right?

Kumquats... eel...

kelp, a couple of Danish...

(blows shrill note)

Hi, honey.

Just took a long, wonderful
walk on the beach.

(sighs)

Now, aren't you glad you came?

Yeah. I'm beginning
to unwind now.

Look at that. I'm a loose goose.

FELIX: Hi, Madisons.

I'm a tired goose.

I thought you were
gonna fish all day.

I made them turn
the boat around.

Why?

Who can fish with a
naked woman on board?

Naked woman?

Blanche, is this naked?

BLANCHE: Of course not, darling.

Oh, don't encourage her.

All I can tell you
is that she made

a 90-year-old Portuguese
fisherman bait his pinkie.

Go change, Gloria,
you're getting whiney.

(sighs)

Oh, it's nice
out here, isn't it?

Yeah.

Ah, lovely.

Ah! It's good to sit down.

I have been so busy taking
care of everybody else,

I haven't had a chance
to do anything for myself.

Ah-

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

The Madisons are
in trouble again.

What're you talking about?

We're getting along great.

Go sit with Blanche.

Why? The chair's over here.

Go sit in the same
chair with Blanche.

Why? It's fun.

Look, look, look.

You see what she's doing?

What's she doing?

She's putting
suntan oil on herself.

Go do that. Why?

'Cause women love to have a
man rub the suntan oil on them.

All right. Go
ahead. Do it, do it.

Honey, you want
me to do that for you?

No, I can do it.

Dear Abby wants
me to do it. May I?

Ah... Ow!

Ooh! What, what is that?!

I'm sorry, honey, I had
sand in my hand and I didn't...

You see what you made me do?

So now you kiss
her, you make up.

Do I have to tell
you everything?

Now, Dear Abby
wants me to kiss you.

Have you had your
mouth in the sand?

Please, don't make
jokes, will you, Blanche?

I'm having enough
trouble with him.

Ah-ah-ah!

Fighting again.

I can't even go to the bathroom.

You two, I'm warning you...

if you two don't shape
up, I'm tempted to ship out.

(laughs)

Had you worried, didn't I?

I wouldn't do that.

(congas playing rhythmically)

The Lone Ranger's asleep.

He's driving me crazy.

I know. I know, dear.

I've had better days myself.

I had a better time
on Guadalcanal.

Don't say anything.

He's only trying to help.

You call that help?

Having the conga line
dance around us singing,

♪ Stay together, you two,
stay together, you two. ♪

Shh! Tomorrow
morning I'm telling him

he's got to get out of here.

You can't do that. Why not?

Because he's doing it out
of the goodness of his heart.

Listen, tomorrow he
leaves or I fly out of here.

Now, what will that solve?

You always do that.

Every time something
goes wrong, you split.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know, but running
away isn't going to help.

Well, say something
constructive!

BLANCHE: If I had something
constructive to say, I'd say it.

OSCAR: Then
button up your mouth.

(Oscar grumbling)

(Oscar and Blanche arguing)

Did you hear that?

The Madisons are at it again.

All the work we did.

I knew we shouldn't
leave them alone.

If you hadn't run off with
that marimba player...

He wasn't a marimba player.

He was a busboy showing
me to the ladies' room.

He walked like a marimba player.

They all walk like
marimba players.

We've got a job to do
and we're going to do it.

OSCAR: I'll say, "Get
out of here, Felix."

We'll fake a fight.

Show them how awful they sound.

Felix, please,
I'm in a bad mood.

I don't feel like fighting.

It's easy. You'll fake it.

Come on. I don't
think I can fake it.

Yes, you can. I'll show you.

(loudly): You always want
to have your way, don't you?

Well, life is a two-way
street, Jezebel!

All right, Felix, you happen
to be a very trying person!

GLORIA: You're insensitive,
you're aggravating,

you're unreasonable,
and you're insanely jealous!

All right. Now, I'm
gonna tell you your faults.

You flaunt your flesh!

That's in your mind!

You are a kook!

Oh, I like that.

Well, if you like
that, you'll love this.

I have had it!

I am through. Up to here!

(whispers): Good.
Louder, louder!

Felix, I want a divorce.

(whispers): Good.

They stopped
fighting. Good acting.

I wasn't acting.

You're... you're, you're
joking, aren't you?

I wasn't joking.

Are you delirious, Gloria?

Did you get too much sun today?

I didn't get any sun today!

You made me take
off my bathing suit

and get into a blanket.

Well, you don't break up
a marriage over a blanket.

It wasn't just that, Felix.

It was a million other things.

What?

What, what, what? Tell me.

Because I'm a
better cook than you?

Because I buy all your clothes?

Just because I
clean after you clean?

Yes, Felix, those and...

Felix, I have to
be honest with you.

For the past seven years, you
have been driving me bananas!

FELIX: But I love you.

GLORIA: Well, I, I
love you, too, but I...

I just can't live with you.

Felix, I'd rather
be alone tonight.

FELIX: Oh!

Felix? Felix.

Can I sleep with you?

Why, what's the matter?

Gloria threw me out.

Oh!

Could you move
over just a little bit?

Dear, I'll go and get
in bed with Gloria.

No, no, no! No, no, stay here.

I'm perfectly comfortable.

Oh!

I'm gonna go and get
in bed with Gloria, dear.

Aw, stay here, don't go. No, no.

Let her go.

I think you're on
my nightgown, dear.

Please. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Good night, Felix.

Oh!

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I talk to you about my life?

Now?

Tell me the truth, Oscar, what
kind of guy do you think I am?

You want the truth?

Give it to me
straight, I can take it.

Well, I think you're
a nut and a lunatic,

and you drive everybody crazy.

How could you say
a thing like that?!

I was trying to help.

And you do help. I
give you credit for that,

but you don't know when to stop
helping, so you lose the credit.

That's the thanks I get for
trying to save your marriage.

Don't you see?

You'd be better off if you
worked on your own marriage.

My healthy marriage was
infected by your sick one!

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you stay here
and put yourself under quarantine?!

Could you move
over a little bit, just...?

Oh!

Good morning, señor.

Good morning, Ramon.

Will there be
anything else, señor?

No.

Ramon... why don't you sit down?

Me?

Of course.

I don't believe in
any caste system.

This is a democracy, isn't it?

No, it isn't. It's a
military dictatorship.

My wife and friends
have walked out on me.

I know. You want me to
move you into a single?

No.

Would you like to have a mango?

Sure.

Do you, do you
like being a bellboy?

Oh, no. As soon
as my uncle retires,

I am going to become
the assistant manager.

Well, how will it look to
have an assistant manager

who drips mango
all over himself?

But this is the only
way to eat a mango.

It's fun.

It's fun to have your
neck, your hands dripping

with sticky gook?

Hey, why do you
always bug people?

You know, when I become
the assistant manager,

you can't stay here!

Tip now, Yankee.

Hi, Felix.

What are you doing here?

Blanche and I had
a fight at the airport.

A biggie; three cops.

But we'll make it up
when we get to New York,

we always do.

Besides, I feel why
blow a vacation?

Well, I should be with you.

After all, you
did try to help us.

You're a true friend, Oscar.

Hey, a mango! Mmm!

Mmm!

And... that's the story

of Felix Unger
and Gloria Fleener.

But what happened?

Hmm. OSCAR: What do
you mean, what happened?

You know what happened.
We all got divorced.

That's what happened.

No, I mean about Ramon.

Did he ever make it
as assistant manager?

Well, that's a
whole different story.

As we go back into our
flashbacks sequence,

Ramon and I got into a...

(theme music plays)