The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 4 - That Was No Lady - full transcript

MAN: So, I knocked
his head off, you know?

MYRNA: Yeah.

And it started rolling
on the 40-yard line.

Huh? Then it went
to the 45-yard line.

Yeah. Boy, they were
scared, you know?

Yeah. But it wasn't his head.

Uh-uh.

It was his helmet.

(laughs)

Jake, listen,

since we're gonna call
this chapter in the book



"Bones Are Made For Breaking,"

we'll need more violent
anecdotes like that.

Oh, I got a million.

Well, let's pick out some
of the funniest, okay?

Hey, honey,

how about that time in the
Super Bowl game last year, huh?

You never played
in the Super Bowl.

Well, I was in the stands

and some guy made
a pass at my wife.

Oh.

Jake, he didn't
make a pass at me.

Well, then he pinched your hand.

So I pinched his face, you know?

You pinched his face?



What is the hardest
you ever tackled a guy?

(whimpers)

I tackled a guy
so hard one time...

Huh.

Please continue.

His tattoos fell off.

(laughs)

OSCAR: I have to get
another cartridge. Wait here.

Oh, Jake, Jake,
I'm-I'm gonna go.

What time will you
be home for dinner?

Why, I can't go home
for dinner tonight, I...

You know, the
big game's tonight.

Oh, again?

This is the fourth
night in a row

I've had to eat alone.

Well, this is an
important poker game.

The quarterbacks are
gonna be there. Okay, okay.

But when you come in,
please don't wake me up

by snapping me with a towel.

She likes it. Huh.

I don't hit her hard.

She seems unhappy.
Something wrong?

Oh, no. She's a
classy girl, you know,

but she just don't understand

the camaraderie
between ballplayers.

Let's get back to the book.

In your opinion,

what is the single greatest
advancement in football

during the last ten years?

Deodorants.

Deodorants.

I think I'll go to lunch now.

Hey. Huh?

Nice meeting you, huh?

(screams)

Oh...

He squished his face,
and tattoos fell off...

Hi, Myrna. Oh, hi.

Don't go in there.
He's very busy

with a very large person.

I just have to pick
up some opera tickets

he's got for me.
Oh, I have 'em here.

Oh.

He gave 'em to me,
yeah, here we are.

Thank you. Have fun

and if the baritone's
cute, call me.

Heh.

Hey, these are great seats!

Oscar must be dealing
with a higher class scalper.

Are you going in there?

No.

I'm going to the opera.

Oh, how... how lucky.

Excuse me.

Are you an opera fan?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

So am I.

Did you by chance see Joan
Sutherland in this last season?

Oh, yes. It was beautiful.

You were there? Yes.

So was I.

I didn't see you.

Oh.

Well, you didn't know me.

I know. I know you now.

Well. It was so
beautiful I cried.

I made a public
spectacle of myself.

Nothing quite like
opera, is there?

No. I agree.

Enjoy it. Good-bye. Thank you.

Good-bye. Say, uh,

I was going to trick a
friend into going with me

but I'd much rather trick you.

I'm sorry.

Have I said the wrong thing?

Am I being gauche?

Whenever I meet a
beautiful woman I act terrible.

I'm sorry... Am I doing it
again? Should I shut up?

Would you please
go with me tonight?

Tonight?

These are for tonight.

Well, I-I'd love to.

Oh, good!

Where you going now?

Shopping.

Oh, so am I!

Have you had lunch? Uh, no.

(crushing can)

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Oscar, I've got to tell you
what happened to me tonight!

No, no, I'll make you guess.

You ran into Ginger Rogers.

Close.

I met a woman.

Oscar, this is serious.

Did you ever meet
someone you knew

was going to change
your whole life?

Yes, I met him, a
250-pound linebacker

who's gonna make me
rich if you leave me alone

and let me write this book.

Will ya? I'll bow out gracefully

but I wanted you to
be the first to know.

I met a woman who
loves everything I love.

I hate her already.

FELIX: You look tired.

I didn't get to sleep till 5:00.

You shouldn't work so
late. It's not good for you.

I wasn't working.

That's when you stopped singing.

Oscar, have you ever
seen me so happy?

Yeah, when they added
soap to Brillo pads.

That was a biggie...

but this, this is
the real thing!

Sex?

No, I'm not talking about lust.

I'm talking about love! Oh.

Never mind, spill, spill.

Never mind, spill, spill?

Let's talk.

We went to the opera

and then we went to supper.

Now, do I know every
French restaurant in New York,

or do I? You do.

No!

She found a spot in the Bronx

sandwiched between
two condemned buildings.

The most wonderful place!

Oh, look this, I spilled...

Never mind, leave it, leave it.

Leave it, leave it?

You mean you're not gonna
holler about the way I eat? No, no.

I'm too happy to deal
with mundane things today.

Where did you meet such
a wonderful, great girl?

Outside your office,

as a matter of
fact. Is that right?

Oh, we had the most
wonderful evening.

We took a carriage ride

through Central Park. You're
putting ketchup on your food.

I love it.

You love ketchup?

And after the romance
of Central Park

we rushed to the
honky-tonks of 42nd Street!

We went to a penny arcade!

Everything's a quarter now.

But, well, we had fun.

I won a prize for you.

A plastic boat for the bathtub!

Then we had our pictures taken

in on of those places
where you crowd in

four for a quarter, you know.

And we made funny faces.

It was so much fun.

The, the bottom picture's nice.

I wanted one nice
picture of the two of us.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm meeting Melanie.

We're spending the
whole day together.

What are you gonna do?

Who knows? We don't make plans.

We go, we do.

We're a now couple!

Don't do the dishes,
leave them for me.

Don't do the dishes?!

Melan... Melanie?

Outside my office Melanie?

That's the Melanie.

Felix!

Felix!

OSCAR: So you wanted
to get the quarterback.

How did you know
when to red dog?

The tape is rolling. What?

Jake, we were doing
so great yesterday.

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, Oscar.

It's, it's Melanie.

There's something wrong.

What could be
wrong? I don't know.

She's just been acting
weird lately, you know.

She's been dancing
around the house like...

Ginger Rogers.

(whimpers)

(thump) Ah!

I'm going home now.

Well, you must be
imagining things.

There's only two
things that get me mad.

Some little midget
field goal kicker

trying to take a
cheap shot at me...

or someone fooling
around with my wife.

Now you know what you oughta do?

I-I-I think we ought
to take a break.

Why don't you go to
lunch and sit by the sea

for a couple of weeks... Hello.
Am I interrupting anything?

Felix, what are you
doing here? Sorry.

Say... I recognize you,

you're Jake Metcalf.

Hello, I'm Felix Unger,

I'm Oscar's roommate.

Well, what a thrill.

Old 88. Yeah,
well, you don't want

to get to know Old
88 too well, Felix,

it'll take out the fun
when you read the book.

I didn't want to interrupt.

I just have to use
your good offices

to get some theater tickets.

You got 'em, Buddy,
you got 'em. Good-bye.

FELIX: You don't
know what they're for.

OSCAR: Don't worry
about it. Whatever it is,

just give me the
name of the show,

no other names, just
the name of the show...

She wants to see a
new off-Broadway show,

a Chicano musical
called Lettuce!

You got 'em. Two heads, I mean
two tickets. Don't worry. You got...

She's very eager to see this.

It's hard to get tickets for.

Now, don't worry
about it, will ya? No,

I'll get the tickets
for Lettuce.

I know a linebacker
and he invested in it,

used it for a tax write-off.

I'll give him a buzz.

Thanks. He's a nice guy.

Yeah, can I talk to you...?

All right, you know
who he is, right?

Jarring Jake, yeah.

Do you know who his wife is?

Mrs. Metcalf, I presume.

Right again.

Mrs. Melanie Metcalf.

Melanie... Don't do that.

His wife's name is the
same as my girlfriend's name.

Hey, Jake... Felix!

What?

Felix, your girl is his wife.

My Melanie is his Melanie?

That's right.

I don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it.

For all our sakes
you better believe it.

I... I never knew
she was married.

Then she wasn't just
waiting for me to come along.

But some day he'll be waiting

for you to come
along and then...

you see how your
face is all screwed up?

That will be a
permanent condition.

Oh, that poor baby.

Okay, now you
know what's at stake,

your poor baby,
your body, my book.

You gotta get out of
this mess. Get out?

Yeah, you gotta stop seeing her.

Just ask me to cut my heart out.

Oh, Jake'll take care of that.

Oh, I'm not afraid
of him, buster.

Love has made me strong.

Felix, strength has
made him stronger.

Oscar, I'll have to
ask you to butt out.

This is strictly
between Jake and me.

Okay. Fine.

I'll settle with him later.

JAKE (recording): I tackled
a guy so hard one time...

MYRNA: Huh...
his tattoos fell off.

(Myrna laughing)

When you type it up for
the book leave out the...

(mimics laugh)

Okay, I'll leave a space so the
readers could fill in their own.

I hate violence.

Oh, he's a pussycat.

He's a big pussycat. (hisses)

(knocking on door)

Hello, Oscar. Melanie!

Come on in, come
on in. Thank you.

Hi. Hello.

Oh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything,

but I'd really
like to talk to you.

Oh, sure, sure.

Myrna, why don't
you go out to lunch?

It's 10:00. It's too early.

That's good,
everything'll be fresh.

Here, here.

Go, go. Oh, good, I
can eat in the subway.

Here, go ahead and live.

Here. Go, go.

Sit down, sit down.

Thank you. That's a pretty suit.

Oh, thank you.

(mumbling)

You want a cup of
coffee or anything?

No, thank you.

You gonna...

Anything I can
do for you at all?

No, just talk.

(grunting)

I'm sorry. It's all right.

How's the book?

Oh, the book is great.

You know, it goes high and low.

Let's talk about Felix. Mmm.

You know? Yeah.

Oscar, I had no idea that
Felix was your roommate

until Jake told me
about the Lettuce tickets.

Can I be straight with you?

Please. What I want to know is,

why you didn't tell Felix you
were married in the first place.

I tried. I couldn't. Why not?

I guess I didn't really want to.

Oh, Oscar, I
really like the guy.

I've never done anything
like this before in my life.

I don't know. When
I was with Felix,

I forgot everything else.

How can you forget? You're
married to Jake Metcalf.

Oh, well, that's the problem.

You see, that's the
reason that I fell for Felix.

Ever since that I've
been married to Jake,

I've always been
known as Jake's wife.

And then when I
was out with Felix,

suddenly, I was just plain
Melanie, and I loved it.

Yeah, but you can't
go around falling in love

with everybody who calls
you by your first name.

Oh!

But Felix isn't everybody.

Felix is incredible.

I mean, he's charming,
and sincere, and...

he makes me laugh.

He does?

Oh, well, I don't have
to tell you about him.

I mean, you live with him.

I live with a different Felix.

Melanie, what are
you going to do?

Well, my latest decision,
as of a half hour ago,

was to break it off.

The marriage?

Oh, no. I realize now I
want to save my marriage.

I'm gonna have to break
it off with Felix, but how?

I mean, yesterday we
went to the U.N. Building,

and this morning,
Felix sent me a dove

with an olive branch
taped to its beak.

Now, how can you ditch somebody

who's just sent you a dove?

That is rough.
Look, I'll do it for you.

You will? Oh, sure. I
know how to handle him.

We've been friends
for so many years.

Don't worry. I'll
be very tactful.

See, I'll say,
"Here's your bird.

"I hope it pecks your heart out.

Now get out of
Melanie's life and mine."

No, no, no, Oscar.

You don't think
that's strong enough?

No. Thank you, but I-I... I
couldn't ask you to do that.

No.

This is my responsibility,
and-and... and I'll handle it.

We're meeting for lunch
at your house today.

Do you suppose you could
be there for moral support?

Yeah, I will be. Honest, I'll
be there. Don't worry about it.

Oh, Oscar, thank you.

Okay. Thank you.

Boy, am I full.

Were you listening?

No.

He gave her a bird?

FELIX: ♪ Buckle down,
Winsocki, buckle down ♪

♪ You can win, Winsocki,
if you buckle down ♪

♪ If you break their
necks, if you gave... ♪

What are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Melanie's coming over here.

Hey, that's good
spaghetti sauce. Mmm.

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah, I heard you.

Well, you don't
seem very surprised.

Oh, but I am!

I am. Let's try it again.

Melanie's coming over?! Wow!

Oscar, I've spent the
whole morning walking

and thinking and singing.

I've finally come to a decision.

What?

I've got to tell
Melanie we're through.

"La commedia è finita."

Pagliacci.

"Th-That's all, folks."

Porky Pig.

Ah. Isn't this what
you wanted me to do?

Oh, now, you asked me
to butt out, and I butt out.

Look at me, I'm buttin'
out. (door buzzer sounds)

It's Melanie. Yeah. Good luck.

Listen, if you need me,
I'll be in my bedroom

in between two condemned sheets.

Hello, Felix. Hi.

Come in, Melanie. Oh.

Melanie?

I love your name, Melanie.

I hate the name Olga.

Melanie's a beautiful name.

Edna's a nice name.

I like Tom, but never mind.

Sit down, sit down.

Melanie, I...

I know something that
you don't know I know.

You're married.

I know.

You know...?

Well, yes...

Oh, of course you know.
You're the one who's married.

I'm the one who didn't know.

I know.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, Felix, I wanted
to, and I'm sorry.

I-I just haven't been
able to sleep at night just...

Melanie, no, I understand.

I know what you've
been going through.

I'm a great date, and
you became involved.

Felix. No, no. Listen
to me, sweetheart.

Since my divorce,

I've had four or five...

What would you
call them... liaisons.

Maybe you'd call them affairs.

Two liaisons, three affairs.

Three liaisons, two affairs.

Actually, it's more like...

No, no, three liaisons
and two affairs.

A brief fling with
a dental hygienist.

That was half business
anyway. That was...

But nothing serious.

Nothing that I would
call a relationship.

And that's why I feel

we've got to be very
mature about this.

I agree with you, Felix.

Now, we can't be
swayed by sentimentality.

Sure, we've got
wonderful memories...

The opera, the
French restaurant,

the carriage ride
through Central Park.

Uh, am I leaving anything out?

No, Felix, I think you've
pretty well covered it.

And we cherish those
memories, and we must, but...

you're married, and so they
must remain just memories,

and that's why I feel

we've got to be very cold
about this, very realistic.

I know, Felix, and that's
what I came over to tell you.

I've decided not to
see you anymore.

Why not?

Well, uh,

for the reasons you
just said. Stupid reasons!

We've got... We've got wonderful
memories. We've got the opera.

We-we've got the carriage
ride through the park.

Oh, yes, Felix, and
they were fun, but...

The penny arcade!
That's the one I left out.

Is that why you don't want to see
me anymore, 'cause I left it out?

No! 'Cause if it
is, I'll put it back in.

Oh, no, no! Didn't you
get the dove I sent you?

Oh, yes, Felix, I did.

But we've got to stop
seeing each other completely.

Why? Why? Why can
you say a thing like that?

We belong together,
we're a team!

I know these things.

I'm a photographer. I know!

Oh, Felix, I never
said that I loved you.

Well, you don't have to say it.

You're saying it
now with your eyes.

Don't you think I know
what's going on right now?

You love me so much,
you're trying to protect me

from your husband, but
I'm not afraid anymore.

I may have been before,

but love has given me
the strength of a Sampson.

Felix, where are you going?

I'm going to tell
Old 88 the truth,

and the truth shall set ye free.

Oh, no, no. If I'm not
back in 30 minutes,

eat the spaghetti, because
it'll only go to waste anyway.

Felix!

Oh!

Os... Oscar!

(people chanting and cheering)

(men grunting, whistle blowing)

Okay, everybody...
everybody out on the field!

(men hooting and shouting)

Mr. Metcalf?

Felix. Oh, yeah, the play.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'll get the tickets
for you and your lady.

That was no lady,
that was your wife.

What? What am I saying?

Mr. Metcalf, this is
very difficult to say.

Your wife and I
are... are very much...

Very much what?

We're an item.

An item?

Yes. Oh!

What are you trying to say,
you been going out with my wife?

That's very aptly
put, actually, yes.

(whistle blows)
MAN: Come on, Jake!

Come out on the
field. Yeah, yeah.

What are you, some
kind of a weirdo?

I rather think not.

I'm gonna hit you in the head.

Violence won't
solve anything, will it?

I don't want to solve anything.

I'm gonna hit you in the head.

Get in the locker.

And don't come out
till after the game.

Jake, hiya, just thought I'd come
down and wish you a little luck.

Oh, yeah? Everything
all right there?

What's your part
in this whole thing?

What whole thing is that?

Yeah, with my wife and
that twirpy friend of yours.

What... What twirpy friend?

I don't know what you mean.

Tweety Pie here.
Are you all right?

Oscar, what are you doing here?

I can fight my own battles.

Yeah, but you can't
win 'em. You galoot!

I tried to be honest with
you, and you brutalize me!

(whistle blows) Felix,
are you kidding?!

What are you doing?

What am I doin'?

I'll tell you what I'm doin'!

I'm gonna beat two guys up

that's ruining my
life, that's what I'm...

Oh, sure, Jake,
you've got a problem.

Solve it in the usual
way... Hit, smash,

squeeze a face, but the
problem is you and me, Jake.

That's absolutely right.

Will you stop, troublemaker?

Ooh.

Are you in love
with twirpy here?

I-I could be.

I mean, he's sweet,
and-and he's kind,

and-and he's there
when I need him, Jake,

the way you used to be.

Well, I'm sweet.

Oh, you don't want
to do that, Jake.

And I'm kind, and ain't I there?

Well, not lately.

I mean, ever since you
became a pro, I never see you.

Oh, I see, you're
knockin' football, huh?

Well, it got me out
of the steel mills,

gave me an education.

It made me a
first-class citizen.

I... I met the president.

Did you meet the president?

Did you?

I don't know who to hit.

Oh, Jake, I don't want
you to give up football.

I mean, I fell in love
with a football player,

but can't I at
least be half-time.

(whistle blows) Game time, Jake!

Stay here.

Look it, honey, I
don't want to lose you.

Don't worry, I'm
not gonna let you.

(Jake and Melanie kissing)

MAN: Come on, Jake!

JAKE: Yeah, yeah.

Look it, right after
the game, huh?

MELANIE: Yeah, we'll
have dinner, and we'll talk.

Okay. No, I can't tonight.

Look it, to...

Okay, yeah, we'll
have dinner and talk.

Jake, your helmet. Good luck.

JAKE: Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Felix.

I'm sorry.

Boy, this is gonna
be the best chapter.

It's a love triangle.

The movies are gonna buy this.

You see... What happens?

The player and the girl...
They walk away happy.

They leave the
guy broken. Who...

I'm sorry, Felix.

It must have been
a rough night, huh?

Hey, how's your face?

It's my heart that's broken.

Having to watch my girl
reconcile with her husband

while he was pinching my face
between thumb and forefinger...

It's humiliating.

Oh, it's not humiliating.

I mean, Melanie's a
very special kind of girl.

Hey, Felix, she was
ready almost to...

to give up her marriage
because of you.

I mean, she and Jake have
been together a long time.

I think that's a compliment.

I think it means you're
some kind of special guy.

Hmm. I am.

You gave me a great chapter.

I'll give you a great dinner.

I know an Italian restaurant

sandwiched between
two bookie joints, okay?

You're lucky to have a...

(sighs) Oh!

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

I know, I know, I know.

Of all the words
of tongue or pen,

the saddest are these...

"it might have been."

Melanie and I...

Two ships that
passed in the night.

Three ships, if you count Jake.

Lovely moment, brief encounter.

Cold, gone, like
my spaghetti sauce.

Mmm! It's still good.

You should try it.