The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Odd Decathalon - full transcript

Oscar...

You promised to take your things

to the dry cleaner's
today, remember?

Never mind, I'll do it.

They don't need it.

This doesn't need it?

I only wore it once.

Where? To bed?

It looks as though it's
too late for this little guy.

Felix, they're mine.

We know that, but mine
have to hang up next to them.



I wish you would
hang up next to them.

What's this?

Poor baby.

Born a shirt, died a rag.

Not dead... only wounded.

I'll save your
life, little shirt.

You're lucky you room with a guy

who makes you
laugh, you know that?

Here's a good game...

Try to find the original crease.

Oscar, how can
you do this to me?

This is my health
insurance payment.

I gave you this to
mail... over a month ago.

Oh, I forgot. Leave it here.



I'll mail it tomorrow.

It's too late now.

My period of grace has expired.

Oscar!

What?!

If I get sick now
I'm not insured.

(honking)

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

(honks)

Why are you honking?

A minute ago you
were feeling fine.

A minute ago I could afford to
feel fine. I thought I was insured.

What if I catch something now?

Call the insurance company.
They'll be sympathetic.

Skyscrapers aren't built
on sympathy, buster.

What are you talking about?

Your insurance
agent is your friend.

Call him up, he'll help you.

Oh, yeah, Ed Green...
Yeah, he likes me.

I'll call Ed Green.

The guy loves me. Yeah.

Hmm. You call him.

Why? The guy doesn't love me.

You used the phone last.

I don't want to
catch a virus now.

Viri attack people who
don't have coverage.

Come on.

(honking)

All right, stop honking
and I'll call him.

Gimme that number.

(honking)

I feel better.

Good old Ed Green.

Sent me a calendar
for Christmas.

Naked lady falling off
a ladder in her home.

Hello. Ed Green, please.

I see.

Thank you.

Start honking. He was fired.

(loud honking)

Oh, they'll cancel me for sure.

They've been
looking for an excuse

to get rid of me for years.

So have I.

They fired Ed to get to me.

I don't blame them. You
know, you once put in a claim

because a barber took
too much off the top.

He also nicked me.

I was covered for that under
my general abrasion policy.

Ah, Felix, you put
in for more claims

than the Flying Wallendas.

It doesn't bother you at all
that I'm not covered, does it?

This is all your fault.
Let this be on your head.

What happened to Bozo Unger,
the guy who always made me laugh?

All right, it was my fault,
I'll do something about it.

I'll help you.

You're not gonna help
by cleaning your desk out.

You're just raising more dust.

Hey, insurance
agent, friend of mine,

and I'll call him to
come right over...

What company is he from?

Lloyd's of Lubbock?

He's a race track
crony of yours?

Yeah, but he's legit.

He insures all the
jockeys in case they grow.

So a couple of guys named Lloyd
got together and started this company.

I don't see a New York office.

You have an office
here, right, Lloyd?

Oh, sure, right here.

Here, in this building?

No, no, here in this apartment.

I don't have an office office.

Wherever I'm sitting at
the time, that's my office.

Cuts down on the overhead.

Passes the savings on to you.

I see.

All right, now, shall
we talk insurance?

Now, um...

how much were you paying
through your previous company?

$200.

$200... huh...

Don't you have a piece
of paper you can write on?

Paper costs money, Mr. Unger.

Money is overhead,
overhead is higher rates.

That's why I can give
you complete coverage

for half of what
you were paying.

$150.

Sir, $150 is not half of $200.

He's right, Lloyd.

I'll show you.

$200 divided by two...

That's one... that's $100.

A little error in arithmetic.

Complete coverage,
Mr. Unger... $100.

OSCAR: That's
great, Felix. (honking)

Oh, come on, forget the style...

At least you're insured.
That's important.

Just shake this hand, Mr. Unger,
and you are insured as of now.

Don't I have to sign
any papers or anything?

We trust you at Lloyds.

Our motto, sir, is:
"Insurance by Handshake."

So give me your paw

and $100 and we'll
mail you a policy.

But he'll be insured
as of now, right?

As soon as he shakes my hand.

Oh, I have to clear it with
the home office. In Lubbock?

No, in Buenos Aires.

Argentina?

Well, now, Argentina
is just a mailing address

we use for tax purposes.

Oscar, please ask
this gentleman to leave.

This is a solid
company, Mr. Unger.

The military junta is behind us.

That's it.

All right, come on,
one little handshake.

Not business, just social.

Good-bye, Mr. Lloyd.

I think you lost him, Lloyd.

Well, win some, lose some.

I'll see you at the
racetrack this afternoon.

You're insured,
Oscar. Oh, cut it out.

He's the only
insurance agent I know.

You're not going
to the racetrack

with Lloyd or anybody else.

You're going with me.

Where? To my old
insurance company.

We're going to beg them to give
me a physical and reinsure me.

What do you need me for?

To make sure nothing
happens to me on the way.

A minor accident
could wipe me out.

I can get struck by lightning,
I can get bitten by a dog,

I can get kicked by a horse.

All right. I'll handcuff you.

I'll send you by
diplomatic pouch.

You owe me.

Okay.

(yelling)

You see? I wasn't
prepared for that accident.

What accident?

What are the scratches in
the eighth, Erwin? Look 'em up.

You know who I saw in the
waiting room after my examination?

Who? Nobody.

Where were you?

I waited. What took you so long?

They were laying for me, boy.

They poked and probed
every orifice in my body.

Different doctor
for each orifice.

Erwin, gimme $20 to
win on Kidneystone.

They even checked between
my toes for athlete's foot.

I'm in perfect health.

My blood pressure's
normal, pulse rate is normal,

better than normal.

I achieved perfection
in pulse rate.

The nurse said I had
the body of a 17-year-old.

What are you looking for?

A clean spot to stand.

You don't seem very
happy about passing,

I'll tell you that.

They raised my premium
rates by twice as much.

I have to pay $400 now.

How come? New rates...

Because an old friend
forgot to mail my check

at the old rate.
Does that ring a bell?

What's the difference? At
least you're insured now.

If you get bit by
a dog it's all right.

I'm not insured until I
mail them the check.

That reminds me...

If you're going out, will
you mail this for me?

There goes the last clean spot.

Felix... Felix...

Hey, mail this for me, will ya?

What is it, your
1965 tax return?

Here.

That's to my insurance company.

Did you take out a policy?

No, it's a thank-you note to
them for sending you home safe.

Sure, it's a policy.

Well, congratulations,
I'm proud of you.

You scared me
with all that talk...

One accident could wipe
out all my life savings.

I figured I was down
there... I'd take out some.

You'll never regret it.

$400.

How much is your premium?

(mumbling)

How much?

(mumbling)

What did you say?

$200.

$200?

Why, that's only half...

I guess I have better
orifices than you do, and...

You have the body of
a 17-year-old chicken.

What quacks those doctors are.

I'm a better risk than you.

Oh, come on, I'm an athlete.

I play softball every Sunday.

Softball?

What is this...
compared to this?

What is this, you're rocking
a baby? What is that?

Isometrics.

Look, that's four
softball games.

That's four softball...

Felix, we have
high-scoring games.

Last week we won 59 to 16.

And when you come up to
bat 20 times in one inning

you know you've
done a lot of running.

All right, you asked for it.

Let's see you do this.

What?

Get off my jacket!

Get off my coat!

The nerve of those guys.

Anybody can see I'm a better
physical specimen than you.

Hey, maybe if you'd
jumped on the doctor's desk

he would have
knocked off a few dollars.

(laughing)

I don't find that very amusing.

I have to pay $400
because you forgot

to mail my check and I'm
in better shape than you.

You had to pay $400
because you're a $400 risk.

I had to pay $200
because I'm a $200 risk.

You think you're in
better shape than me?

You bet your
sweet orifice, I do.

Let's have a contest.

You choose five events,
I'll choose five events.

We'll have a decathlon.

Okay, what's the bet?

I'll bet you the difference
in our premiums, $200.

All right, shake that
hand and you've got a bet.

57, 58, 59... 60.

Oh!

Hey!

You really believe
you could beat Oscar?

You kidding?

Look at that chart.

Look where I'll be by Saturday.

Yeah, but you know
he's a sportswriter.

He knows how to
prepare himself mentally.

He was up until
3:30 this morning

preparing himself mentally.

Well, Joe Namath
stays up late, too.

Murray, there's a difference
between staying up late

with a girl and staying
up late looking for a girl.

You gonna do some more sit-ups?

No, I'm gonna run around
the reservoir a couple of times.

It's raining outside.

Oh, well then I'll run
up and down the steps.

Why don't you take the elevator?

Murray, Murray, Murray.

Hey.

So long, sucker.

Hi, Oscar.

Where's Jack LaLanne going?

He's running...

He's running up
and down the stairs.

Why doesn't he use the elevator?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, I
gotta tell you everything?

He usually runs
around the reservoir,

but it's raining out there.

The reservoir? It must
be a mile around that thing.

It's a mile and a
quarter. I clocked it.

He can do it three times.

What is this slop?

It's Felix's training breakfast.

It's a special mixture
of, uh, wheat germ, yeast

and desiccated liver powder.

It builds up his body.

Every body needs pizza and beer.

I don't know, Oscar.

He's getting himself
in very good shape.

Look at that!

What is that?

That's his chart.

Isn't that cute?

Does he give himself
gold stars, too?

What is that, 110 push-ups?

Is that for the week?

Uh-uh. That was
for this morning.

This afternoon
he's going for 120.

You saw him do them?

I sure did. You're kidding me.

He made this up to
impress me, to scare me.

Uh-uh-uh.

Everything he did
is right down here.

I wrote it myself.
You see the two?

Yeah. It's got
the little curl on it?

That's a Murray curl.

Seven, nine, 11...

Oscar, Felix counted by ones.

I'm counting by ones, too.

Up is one and down is one.

17, 21, 25...

Oscar, you're
counting by fours now.

And Felix's stomach
never touched the ground.

Oh, I can do it! Here!

33, 62... 80, 82!

Put down 82, Murray.

Oscar, I'm a policeman.

I can't falsify public records.

I'll take care of
you at Christmas.

82... And make it
a Murray curl, huh?

You want to do some sit-ups now?

What a great idea.

I think I'll sit up
on the couch.

Oh, boy!

Put down another push-up.
Make it two; 84 even.

84. Oscar, why don't
you take a nice hot bath?

That's a good idea.

Oh, Murray, Murray,
look at me. Look.

I look like King Kong

and I got the
strength of Fay Wray.

Don't you tell Felix
how tired I am.

Don't worry.

Help me, help me.

Here. Point me
toward the hallway.

Give me a hard shove. Go, go.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Felix, how're you feeling?

Fine. Where's Oscar?

He's taking a bath. Oh.

Not because he's tired.

It's a cleanliness bath.

Did he just go in there,
or is he nearly finished?

He just went in.

Good. Oh!

Felix, what's the matter?

I'm pooped.

Let me help you over
to the couch, okay?

Either that or bring it here.

Oh!

What happened?

I guess I just overdid it.

I was jogging
around the reservoir

when I just... gave out.

You don't know what pooped is

until you've been overtaken
by an 80-year-old woman.

An 80-year-old woman?

Wearing corrective sneakers.

Don't tell Oscar.

Oh, Felix, I would never

tell on either one of you.

Gee, I hate to leave, but we
got a big porno raid tonight

and I gotta go home and shave.

Bye, Felix.

Murray! The
faucets are so tight.

Hiya, buddy. How are ya?

Fit as a fiddle.

Me, too. Feel like a gorilla.

Where's Murray?

He just left.

Oh!

I'm gonna fix myself
a high-protein drink.

You want some?

No, I'd rather
have a beer, buddy.

Okay. I'll get it for you.

No task too great.

Oh, jogging's a great
exercise, you know that?

So they tell me.

It picks you up. Yeah.

It doesn't wear you out.

Just like push-ups.

(lively): Oscar?

There was a little
lint on the floor.

Ah...

Oh, I see you got
yourself a chart, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

84 push-ups.

Well, yeah, I didn't
have time for any more.

Uh-huh. Felix, I got you.

You're so tired you
can hardly move.

No, no, just resting
one of my eyes.

The other one was on the ball.

Admit it. I caught you.

You're so tired you
can't open a can of beer.

If exhaustion were
an event, you'd win it.

No, sir, I'm not gonna
let you off the hook,

not even if you beg me.

I'm not about to
beg you for anything.

Why don't you just
shake that hand

and then the bet is doubled?

There we go.

It's a challenge...
(weak mumbling)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Now, we're gonna have
some real athletic events.

What's the matter
with those events?

Handball's just not
your game, huh?

I give you handball,
but I rather like bowling.

Why not? You won.

Yes, even though I
had to use rented shoes.

What's this pool business?

What kind of game is that?

A contest to see who can
stand the most cigar smoke?

Oh, you gotta have a good eye,

good coordination, huh, Murray?

Pool is dumb! Dumb!

With a capital D that rhymes
with P that stands for "pool."

I saw it in a movie once.

Anyway he beat you fair
and square in tug-of-war.

Tug-of-war. We used his sheets.

I let go on purpose.

Don't be a crybaby, Felix.

I beat you three out of four.

You wanna quit now?

We've got to come to
my events yet, remember?

What's next, Ref? Look...

Oscar's fifth and final
event is basketball.

Okay, let's go.

Right up, all right.

Here we go. Yeah. What do we do?

You know how to play basketball.

Not since grade school.

Take the ball,
cup it in your hand

and you just go like
that and shoot the ball.

I can do better than that.
I hope so. There we go.

All right, give you a
couple of warm-up shots.

Where are the laces?

They don't have laces anymore.

I like laces.

Let's go. What's with the foot?

Again with the foot?

What is that?

Hand me that ball,
will you, Murray?

Stop with the foot.
Just shoot it straight.

All right. Look,
again with the foot.

Good shot. Okay.

The first one to get ten
baskets in wins, okay?

Okay, what do we do?

You take it out first.

Okay. Okay.

You've got your
hands in my face.

I know.

Well, put them
down. I'd like to shoot.

(whistle blows) Time out.

Felix, he's allowed to do that.

He's allowed to be rude?

Some game.

It's called "defensive playing."

You want to take a shot,
get around your opponent.

Come on. What's the matter now?!

He didn't say "Time in."

(whistle blows) Time in!

Went straight in.

OSCAR: There it is.

(whistle blows) Oscar wins.

That's four out of five events.

I concede you basketball.

Want to quit?

Are you serious?

Now we come to my events.

Ready, Mr. Referee?

Felix's five events are
all gonna be run at once.

What?

Now, this is kind of a
steeplechase, Oscar.

Not like those games of dubious
skill you wasted our time with.

This is a real test
of conditioning.

What's with the gloves?

You don't want to
leave fingerprints?

I don't want to get calluses.

You're free to wear
gloves if you want to.

I like calluses.

All right. Now, the first event

is a walk-through
on the parallel bars.

What kind of an
exercise is that?

You walk through
the parallel bars.

No, you walk through
the parallel bars like this.

Is that too much for you?

Say so right now if it
is. You're free to stop.

The second event is on the
mat, handstand with an alley-oop.

What's an alley-oop?

Headstand with an alley-oop.

Headstand and alley-oop!

Oh, you say alley-oop?

Yeah. Followed by
five perfect push-ups

where the chest
touches the ground.

Next event,

100-pound-barbell military
press behind the neck

five times. You got it?

I think I can handle it.

Are you sure?
Because if you're not,

I wouldn't want
you to hurt yourself.

If you can do it, I'll try it.

And finally, three
perfect chins.

The chin above the block.

Nothing to it if
you're in condition.

Are you ready?

Let's try it.

One thing, gentlemen,
anyone who fails

to complete any of the events

must go right back
to the beginning.

And may the better
man emerge victorious.

Okay.

Gentlemen, start your
engines. (whistle blows)

Am I moving, Murray?

Look as though you're still
at the starting gate, old-timer.

Headstand. (whistle blows)

Alley-oop.

Keep it up. I love your spirit.

And one and two
and three and four

and five... (whistle blowing)

and nip up. Perfect.

Keep at it.

I love the way you're
going. That a way.

That a way.

Ah! One, two... Alley-oop!

Three... and four and five.

(whistle blows)

That's the old boy.

OSCAR: Five!

(whistle blows)

Oscar, your
tongue's hanging out.

Looks kind of porous.

And there we are!

Take it easy. Rest,
baby doll, rest.

Congratulations, Felix.

That was almost perfect.

What do you mean, almost?

You only did two chins.

No, I did three.

No, you did two. I was counting.

No, I... I'll do one more.

No, no, no, man, you gotta
start from the beginning.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah.

MURRAY: No doubts
about this whistle here.

(whistle blows) Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

(exhaling sharply)

(whistle blows)

(grunts) Alley-oop! Oh!

(exhaling sharply)

Oh, and, oh... Oh! Oh!

(whistle blows)

(whistle blows)

Oh! Oh!

(whistle blows)

(gasps)

(whistle blows)

Oh! No! Oh!

(whistle blows)

Oscar won! The winner!

The better man
emerged victorious.

Oh!

When I get home, I'll write
you out a check for $200.

No, Felix, I can't take it.

I cheated in two events.

See, I never alleyed,
but I ooped, you know.

You're honest enough
to admit you cheated.

I'm also honest enough
to know how happy I am

that I have that
$5,000 insurance policy.

Oh, my...

$5,000? Yeah.

I have a $10,000
insurance policy.

You mean that's why
my premium's 200...?

We're both in the same shape.

Hey, I got a $15,000
insurance policy,

just cost me $75.00.

A guy named Lloyd just
shook my hand, that's all.

(whistling classical melody)

Hey, Felix, I meant to ask you.

How did you jump up
on the desk like that?

It's easy for me.

I've got natural elevation.

In high school I was
voted "Most Limber Boy."

Did you win any
awards in high school?

Of course I did.

I won an award for the
Best Water Fountain Monitor

and I won an award
for the Most Amiable

and I won a plaque for neatness.

How did you win those?

I won 'em in a crap
game in the boys' room.