The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 2 - Last Tango in Newark - full transcript

(Oscar and Felix
arguing indistinctly)

OSCAR: Aw, shut up.

I've never been so
humiliated in all my life.

I told you

I didn't want to
go to the ballet.

Nag, nag, nag.

Kill me.

I thought you'd like
something fine, something nice.

I told you I don't
like nice and fine.

You didn't even pay attention.

I read the program.



When? When you were
making one of these?

Didn't I clap when your
buddy did his number?

I thought he was the
best one on the bill.

Well, of course he's the best.

He's only Edward Villella,

the great star of the
New York City Ballet.

Didn't you really like any
part of the ballet, Oscar?

Intermission was nice.

Yeah, that's when he was trying

to pick up the
orange juice girl.

Sue me.

I don't like the ballet.

Thank you for inviting me.

Good night. Good night.



Somehow I get the feeling

ballet just isn't Oscar's thing.

No, his thing is
sitting in the front row,

waving at all the
girls and whistling,

"Dance, ballerina, dance."

I thought I'd die.

Oh, I think you're
overreacting, Felix.

Forget it. How can I forget it?

Villella's nice enough
to let you and me

into his ballet
appreciation class.

Then, something
like this happens.

How am I going to
face the man tomorrow

when I do the
picture story on him?

I'm so ashamed. Oh, Felix,

you know Edward'll understand.

I'll just have to get
down on my knees

and beg his forgiveness.

Good night again, folks.

FELIX: Where are
you going at this hour?

I got a date.

With who? Jane Lewis.

Who?

Jane Lewis... You
know, you met her.

"Orange juice, cold
drink, get your cold drink!"

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Oh, Felix, my class is over.

Edward's on his way.

Did he say anything
about last night? No.

Good, then I won't either.

I'll just let bygones
be bygones,

let, let sleeping dogs lie.

I just, I just won't mention it.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Bye, Edward.

Hi, Felix.

Before you say another
word, I apologize.

What for?

For last night.

Ah... you knew that
guy sitting next to you.

That's my roommate; his
name is Oscar Madison.

Ah, it's all right.

The first time I went to a
ballet, I did the same thing.

The bigger they are,

the better they forgive.

Thank you. I promise you you'll

never see him again,
he'll never bother you.

Well, shall we get to work?

What would you like to
do first? Anything you say.

Don't let me tell
you what to do.

How about starting with a leap?

Okay.

Will you leap
whenever you're ready

or shall I tell you
when to leap?

Uh, I'll do it when
you're ready.

Okay.

Ready, ready.

Ready. Felix.

Sir, sir. What do
you mean "sir"?

Sir. What sir?

Can I help you, sir?
What's on your mind, sir?

I lost my key.

It must have dropped
out during the game, see?

You got a key to the apartment?

FELIX: Oscar, you
can see I'm busy.

Get out of here.

Give me the key, I'll get out.

All right, where's,
where's my...?

Take five, Ed. Who's Ed?

(annoyed shouting)

Who is it? What Ed?

That's Edward Villella,

the man you humiliated
me in front of last night.

Oh, give me the key,
he won't know I'm here,

he won't know me from Adam.

Oscar Madison.

Edward Villella.

I saw you, you know, last...

You got great legs.

(moans)

It was a great eveni...

Listen, Mr. Villella, I didn't
mean to upset you last night.

Look, it's Eddie.

I'm not upset.

Hey, uh, how'd you do today?

Rotten! I couldn't
connect with a pass.

My arm is killing me.

If I don't improve,
they're going to trade me.

Uh, would you mind if I
showed you a trick or two

that might help the arm?

I wish you would.

Otherwise, I won't be able
to hail a taxi to get home.

We're ready, Mr. Villella.

I'm still on my five, Felix.

Now, listen.

What it is is you've probably
got a cramping up there...

You know, maybe a muscle
spasm or something like that...

So a port de bras
might help you.

You know, it's a slow
movement of the arm.

You take it from the back

and you stretch forward
and you just release.

It's the stretch
right through here.

Here, let me help. Port de bras?

Yeah, port de bras, here.

You just take it back like
this and you use the back

and you get that
length, you stretch out...

Port de bras.

Hey, that felt
great, I needed...

Port de bras.

Yeah, well, listen,
you guys are busy.

Thank you.

Thank you very much,
Eddie, thank you.

Bye, bye. Keep practicing.

Oh, I will.

Taxi!

Hey, it works.

Listen, he's a nice guy.

Oh, he's a wonderful guy.

The only thing is...

the only thing he's
interested in life is sports.

Culturally, he's
a hopeless case.

Well, listen, ballet and
sports are compatible.

When I was a kid, I wanted
to be a football player.

No, no, don't say it. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's true.

What got you
interested in ballet?

I wanted to meet girls.

Would you do a
fifth position, please?

Yeah, sure.

Yes, yes.

Yes, that's perfect, yeah.

How's that?

Hey, that's pretty good.

Would you press
the cable release?

(clicks)

Very good, yeah. One more.

This is first, isn't it?

(clicks) Okay, third.

(clicks) Relevé.

(clicks)

You've got your
sweater in your mouth.

Thanks.

I was wondering where it was.

You walk as if you're in pain.

That's why I was
biting on the sweater.

I couldn't find a bullet.

What's the matter? I'm sore.

(groans)

I played football
yesterday, remember?

Didn't Edward Villella
fix up your arm?

Yeah, it's the only thing
that doesn't hurt is my arm.

I threw five touchdown passes
and I was able to hail a cab.

Ooh.

Take a good hot bath
and rub on some liniment

before you get stiff.

If I was any stiffer,
you could dive off me.

Why won't you go

to Villella's ballet
appreciation class with me?

I don't want to go to any
appreciation ballet class.

It's for common people like you

who are friends of the ballet.

I am neither common
nor a friend of the ballet.

You're half right.

Open that for me,
will you, buddy?

He can't do anything for himself

and he won't even help himse...

He can't even take
his normal nourishment.

Why won't you
go to ballet class?

'Cause there's a
stigma attached?

I go.

That's the stigma.

I don't want to
go to ballet class.

Will you stop nagging me
with going to ballet class?

Pick up your sweater.

Pick it up. Nag,
nag, nag, nag, nag.

I don't have enough pain, we
don't have enough arguments.

I don't have enough
misery in my... aah...!

(muffled screaming)

You've got your sweater
in your mouth again.

Come on to class.

I'm not going to wear a tutu.

Want to stop at a tower on
the way and ring some bells?

(breezy tune
playing) One... two.

One... two.

One... two.

Okay, thank you.

Now, face the bar
and we'll do the pliés.

Hold the pliés.

Look who's here.

Oscar, what happened?

What's wrong? Five touchdowns.

Hey, way to go, babe.

Can you loosen him up a little?

Listen, we better get you
over to the bar over here

and see if we can
limber you a little. (grunts)

All right, just stand...
that's it, grab the bar.

Let me see if I
can straighten you.

Straight... little bit.

Li... there we go.

Okay, you know what
we're going to try to do?

What? Some pliés.

What's that? They're
just knee bends.

We go down and
then we come back up.

Okay, put your feet
to the side like this.

We'll do pliés.

Ready?

And down. (piano playing)

And down.

Down, down.

Up, up.

Okay, we'll do ronde de
jambes en l'air. Ready?

One, two, and...

(piano playing) One, two, three.

Three, three, three.

Three, two, three.

Four, two, three.

Hey, not bad, pretty good.

How was I, Eddie? Doesn't hurt.

Were you watching me?

Okay, listen, class,
thank you very much.

See you all next week.

(applause) STUDENT: Thank you.

All right, thank you.

You were very
good! I gotta tell ya!

This thing doesn't hurt
anymore. The arm feels great.

That's terrific.

Listen, I have another
stretch for you. What?

It's a leg stretch
with a port de bras.

Oh, I can do that, I can
do that, I'll show you.

See, you put the leg
over the bar and then...

port de bras, see?

Is that right, Eddie?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Listen, you know, I threw
five touchdown passes

'cause you taught
me that port de bras.

Eddie doesn't
have time for that.

Listen, watch this, Eddie,
I made up a new leap.

Hey, that's terrific.

If you could only stay
in the air a little longer.

(all chuckle)

Practice, will you?

Practice, practice.

Listen, fellas, I really would
like to work with both of you,

but I... Yeah?

I've got a rehearsal here
for a recital, you know.

A recital for what?

We're doing excerpts
from Swan Lake.

Your ordinary class
is doing Swan Lake?

Well, it's not the
ordinary class.

It's the children.

UH, would you
excuse me a minute?

Kids, children, you
want to come in?

KIDS: Hi, Mr. Villella.

Hi, good afternoon.

Okay, let's get ready.

Mr. Villella. Yeah.

Could we stay and
watch the rehearsal?

Felix!

Oh, sure, sure, come on.

Stick around.

Maybe you'll get some pointers.

On what? How to be a child?

He'll stay.

Okay.

Now, this excerpt will be

where the Prince and
the Huntsman enter

and look for the Swan queen.

Okay, ready? Psst, psst, Mr...

Who, uh, who's
going to be the Prince?

I am. You are?

Did you hear that?

The Prince! To dance the Prince!

Okay, everybody ready?

Psst! Uh...

Who's going to be the Huntsman?

Well, uh, I need
a boy for the part,

but I haven't found him yet.

The part isn't cast yet?

Uh, no, no, but
I'll find somebody.

It's only a small part.

Oh, I just love Swan Lake.

I know every bit of it.

(humming)

You're embarrassing me.

Will you sit down?

I've never seen the
Huntsman dance properly.

Your best friend...
it shouldn't be a boy.

It should be...
someone you respect.

Aw, come on, gi...
give me a break.

Okay, Felix, you
can be the Huntsman.

Oh, great!

Listen, it's Swan
Lake, not Frog Lake.

Okay, now, we're gonna take it

from where the hunter
comes center stage,

and he's looking
for the Swan Queen,

but hasn't found her.

You, the Huntsman,
enter from stage left.

You come in, and
you bow to the Prince.

Right.

And we look this way,
and we look that way.

And I say to you,
"Have you seen her?"

And you say, "No."

It's not too emotional.

All right, we'll
take it from the top.

Kids, Swans, let's
go... with the music.

Ready? And...

(piano plays music
from Swan Lake)

Huntsman!

(music stops abruptly)

Huh?

(whispers indistinctly)

FELIX: Yeah, yeah,
I understand. Okay.

(piano playing)

The Huntsman now disappears.

Thank God!

(whispers): How was I?

Was I any good?

No, you were rotten.

(piano plays fast-paced
music from Swan Lake)

(music ends)

(applause)

Thanks a lot, Felix.

Excellent.

You were terrific, kids.

Okay, everybody relax
for a couple of minutes.

Now, you all know that
this was the last rehearsal

before the recital tomorrow.

Why don't you all
work on your own

until the performance?

Why, Mr. Villella, I...

Eddie, do you
think they're ready

to work on their own?

I have no choice.

I've got a performance tonight

and tomorrow night
at Lincoln Center.

I'll just make it here
in time for the recital.

Well, of course I-I know

I could never hope to
fill your Capezios, but...

I'd be glad to take
the rehearsal for you.

Oh, good, good. Thanks, Felix.

Kids, Mr. Unger is now going

to take the rehearsal.

I've got to go work
somewhere else, okay?

Work hard, and I'll see you
all tomorrow night, okay?

(girls all talking)
Say, thanks, Eddie.

Thank you. Quiet,
everybody, quiet.

Quiet.

What quiet? I'm
thanking the man.

Now, places, everyone.

We'll start from the top.

Now, for this rehearsal,
I'll take Mr. Villella's role

as... as the,
uh... as Siegfried.

Um, very good.

Oscar,

you'll do me a big
favor. I'll go home.

I'll send out for dinner.
No, no, no. Come. No.

You'll fill in my slot
as the Huntsman.

You want me to try to
fill in your Capezios?

We just need a warm body
for the kids to work with.

Oh, come on. Come on,
come on, for the kids' sakes.

What am I supposed to do?

You know what to
do. You saw me do it.

What you were doing before?

You bow to the Prince,
that's all there is to it.

All right, all right...
All right, just...

Siegfried enters.

He's looking for the Swan Queen.

You the Prince?

You don't talk. You mime it.

You don't say anything.

And you walk like a Huntsman.

You don't walk in like that.

How do you know
how a Huntsman walks?

Did you ever follow a
Huntsman down the street?

There's a basic walk in ballet.

You walk on the toe.

The leg is turned
out from the hip.

Big deal. I can do that...

You reach out, you
devour ground. Well, do it!

Want me to do it?

Yes!

Reach out!

Straighten up, straight...

The shoulder higher, higher.

That's good. Yes. Go.

Oscar? Oscar!

OSCAR: So long, Prince!

Uh, Felix?

Where's Eddie?

Oh, relax. Murray
is at Lincoln Center

waiting to pick him up.

Get the Swans! Get the Swans!

Come on! Girl? Girls...!

Swans, Swans,
gather round, Swans.

All right.

Now, my fellow gypsies,

the great moment we've
all been working towards

is about to become a reality,

and we're ready
to show Mr. Villella

the hard work and dedication

we've put in during
his absence, aren't we?

Good.

We want Mr. Villella to
be proud of us, don't we?

Right!

Let's not forget to tell him

who whipped this
bunch of ragged angels

into a tight dancing unit.

Who?

Unger. U-N-G-E-R.

Okay, Miriam, limber
them up, limber them up.

Ten minutes. Ten minutes
to curtain, everybody.

Come on, let's get
ready now. Hurry up.

Now watch your skirts.

Hey, Felix, I didn't know
Robin Hood was in Swan Lake.

No wisecracks tonight, please.

Aah!

I'm on my best behavior.

See, I got a suit and a tie.

You look nice.

You do, too. Come on.

Hi, Felix. I'm here!

Where's Eddie?

Well, he's still at
Lincoln Center, hoofin'.

Murray, Dan Dailey hoofs.

Edward Villella dances.

Where is he?

Well, they switched the lineup
of the dance numbers over there,

and he told me to tell
you he's gonna be late.

Oh, how late,
Murray? I don't know.

He was supposed
to dance leadoff,

but they put him
in a cleanup spot.

What-What does
that mean? Baseball.

He's supposed to go first.
Now he's gonna go fourth.

That means he's going to
be a half-hour late, at least.

Murray, get over
there, pick him up

right away and bring him over,
okay? I'll cover the bases, Oscar.

Oh, no, Felix. What
are we gonna do?

Well, Mr. Villella
made me responsible.

I know what to do.

Get the Swans.
Bring in the Swans.

Felix, be smart and do nothing.

Relax, he'll be here.

Maybe he won't be here.

I've got this company
primed to go, Buster.

Those Swans are dying
to get on that stage.

My curtain goes up on time,

not like those clowns
over at Lincoln Center.

But how, Felix?

Are we going to
get to dance tonight?

Yes, you will, my
children, yes, you will.

Now, I must tell
you that Mr. Villella

will be unable
to appear tonight.

GIRLS: Oh!

Now, he never said that, Felix!

But those parents out
there are expecting a show,

and by God, they're
going to get one.

Now, I will take the
part of Prince Siegfried,

and his best friend,
the Huntsman,

will be played by my best
friend, Oscar Madison.

What are you laughing
at? Okay, come on.

He's funny, isn't he, Swans?

Take this, and go change.

Aren't you glad I
taught you the walk?

You know the part. It's
a vitally important part.

Felix, I couldn't do
it. I'd be too nervous.

You're nervous? What have
you got to be nervous about?

The Huntsman is nothing.

I'm the one with all the
pressure. I'm the star.

Get going.

All right girls,
plié. And one...

(piano plays music
from Swan Lake)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(siren blaring)

(piano plays slow,
gentle melody)

(applause)

He's here. He's here.

Oh, am I glad you're here.

Who started this performance?

Felix, the nut, that's who.

Yeah, knowing Felix, we
won't be able to get him off.

Don't worry, I'll get him off.

(piano plays sprightly melody)

But I was hot. I... (applause)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(music ends)

(applause)

(piano plays lively music)

(applause)

(applause)

(music ends, applause swells)

Bravo!

Bravo!

(applause, cheering)

(whistling)

(applause and cheering continue)

MAN: Bravo!

Hey, and champagne in
honor of the great occasion.

Thank you.

Beer for Oscar, of course.

Thank you. Champagne, Eddie?

Uh, you wouldn't mind if I
had a beer, also, would you?

Oh, no, don't say it.

OSCAR: Here.
Sure, there's nothing

like a beer after I dance.

Oh, you were
thrilling tonight, Eddie.

You really were.
Well, thank you.

I'd like to ask,
if-if you don't mind.

Tell me the truth... how was I?

Well, I really don't
like to comment

on my colleague" performances.

However, my most severe critic,

Roddy, my son, might
have an opinion for you.

Roddy, how was I?

(blows raspberry)

(laughter)