The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 4, Episode 1 - Gloria Moves In - full transcript
When Gloria, Felix's ex-wife, visits he wants to convince her to take him back.
Yeah. Okay, sweetheart,
don't worry about it.
He's going to be fine.
Great, okay, bye-bye.
Look at this desk.
(muttering)
Look out! Cold stuff.
Cold stuff! Cold stuff!
Cold stuff. I did it.
It's all set, Friday
night, 7:00 on that table.
Whoa, there!
I was at work on this desk.
What, you got a poker game up?
Not a poker game,
the poker game.
You know I had trouble getting
the guys together Friday night?
Vinnie, Murray, Steve, you
and me, Oh, great, great.
And we can play
weekend! That's marvelous.
Listen... Yeah, I know
it's going to make a mess.
I got it arranged with a maid
to come and clean on Sunday.
Oh, that's wonderful. Yes,
and I made her promise
she was going to leave the
windows for you. (laughs)
You're a hot sketch,
you really are. Felix!
Listen... The refrigerator's
cluttered with food.
(laughing) There's
no room for the beer!
Everything you say is funny.
Can we finish this food by Friday?
No wonder people
laugh at every...
Listen. Yeah?
I've got news, Oscar. What?
I'm getting back
together with my wife.
Thank you.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You and Gloria together... wow!
I know I didn't give
you much warning...
Who needs warning?
What a combination!
Hello, poker,
good-bye Felix party!
I'll help you pack, come on.
Your suitcase is in my room.
My suitcase is in
your room? Yeah.
I'll need a rag.
(dart thunks onto dartboard)
How come my
suitcase is in your room?
Well, I used it on my
last trip to Chicago.
When did I lend it to you?
Well, see, they won't let me
check into hotels
with my luggage.
No, no! Look what he's doing.
Aw, look at that!
Have tuna fish, will travel.
Botulism in my
beautiful suitcase.
If you're gonna travel,
you're gonna need
some of these here.
Listen, Oscar, you're
not listening to me.
I'm not leaving.
Don't toy with me while I have
dangerous hangers in my hand.
No. You're not leaving?
No. Forget thanks.
You misunderstood what I said.
I said, "I'm getting
back with Gloria."
I didn't say, "I'm
going back to Gloria."
How're you getting back
with her if you're not leaving?
She's coming here.
Here, here?
Yeah. Now, here's the scoop:
Gloria's house is being
painted, and she and the kids
have to get out
for a couple days.
Oh, boy, the kids,
too. That's all I need.
Kids while we playing
poker! No, not the kids.
The kids are going to her
parents' house in the country.
Look what a grouchy bear!
Come on, Oscar.
A couple of days
together may be just what
Gloria and I need to
straighten out our differences.
But what about the poker
game? It was supposed to be
a big reunion. What
about the poker game?
This isn't going to
affect our poker game.
How can you set... Gloria's
going to come here and it's not
going to interfere
with the poker game?
What difference does it
make? I swear to you...
I... If-If I ruin the
poker game, I'll...
I'll eat that tuna
fish sandwich.
(laughing)
Come on, don't...
Don't be a grouchy
bear, come on.
Be a nice bear.
Come on.
Come on, let's see
that nice bear smile.
Come on, big smile.
That's it! That's my Gentle Ben.
(tapping)
OSCAR: This is so silly.
No, it's not. Help me.
Pick up the flowers.
Pick up the flowers
there and I'll pick up these.
Where'd you get it? I saved
it from the honeymoon car.
There, aw.
Isn't that beautiful?
Think she'll remember?
Why, of course.
Everybody remembers
their honeymoon.
When's she coming? Soon. Soon!
What are those, your
wedding pictures?
There's a honeymoon picture
and a picture of our kids
when they were babies.
You think this is
too obvious? No!
When she comes in, why don't
you throw some rice in her face?
Felix, I don't envy you
sleeping on this
couch, I'll tell you that.
Well, maybe I won't have
to sleep on the couch, huh?
What's the matter? Is
something in your eye?
Well, that old
attraction is still there.
Oh, welcome to
the fight of the week.
I can see it now.
In this corner, a
man wearing shorts;
in this corner, a
woman fully clothed.
Oh, no.
No, mister, I never beg.
Why should we fight?
I'm not going to push
it. You think I'm dumb?
I'll sense her attitude and
then I'll act accordingly.
Yeah, but Felix,
you've got to play it cool.
Believe me, I'm cool.
I'm a cool cat, I am.
(doorbell buzzes)
There she is! A cool,
cool cat. Cool, cool.
Cool cat. (snaps fingers)
Hi, Gloria. Hi, Felix.
Oh... Flowers and...
Oh, Felix, did you?
Last-minute thought.
Oh... Oscar. Hi, Gloria.
I hope this isn't going
to inconvenience you.
Are you kidding?
I insisted. Where are the kids?
Oh, they couldn't
come. Aw, what a shame.
Boy, this is heavy.
Well, you know me.
I always over-pack.
Yes, you always do and
I've told you about it...
Cool cat, cool.
Better safe than sorry, yes.
Why don't I go and unpack?
Remember this luggage?
I got it for our honeymoon.
This honeymoon,
remember? Uh-huh.
Before we had these
two beautiful children.
Look, look.
GLORIA: Oh, who got married?
We did. Remember?
Two love-crazed kids?
Gloria, I...
I'd like you to stay in my room.
Oh, thank you, Felix.
That's so nice of you
to sleep on the couch.
What did I tell you, huh?
(snapping fingers)
She's still crazy
about me, you see?
That old attraction
is still there. Yeah.
What are you staring at?
Just 'cause she wouldn't kiss
me when I came to the door?
Oh, that, that's corny.
She doesn't do that.
Because she didn't
remember the sign?
Who remembers their honeymoon?
You mean 'cause she said I
should sleep on the couch?
Sex isn't everything.
("Taps" playing)
Morning! Good morning!
Have breakfast
ready in a minute.
Gloria already
made breakfast. Ahh!
Nice, nice!
Up and at 'em, huh?
Orange juice, eggs...
(quietly): Act pleasant
no matter how it tastes.
What do you mean?
It tastes terrific.
Clever, clever, clever.
There she is.
To one girl who
always looks beautiful
in the morning, no
matter what! Aw...
(groans)
Felix, what, what is it?
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
It's... it's...
Don't pay any attention
to me; keep eating.
Did you sleep well?
Oh, fine. How about you?
Mm, snug as a bug
all alone in a rug.
Is your juice all right, Oscar?
Oh, great. It's
terrific. Very good.
Good, good, good.
(knife scraping toast)
Gloria, I was thinking of
taking the whole day off today.
Is there anything
you'd like to do?
Is something wrong
with the toast, Felix?
No, no, it's fine now.
(scraping)
I thought we'd go to the
museum. Would you like that?
Oh, a museum sounds nice.
Good, good.
Where are you going, Felix?
Eggs are a little runny.
I'll tighten 'em up a bit.
Tighten yours, Oscar?
No, mine are tight enough.
Tight enough.
You put catsup on her eggs?
Do you realize what
an insult that is?
Felix, if you don't
like the eggs...
How are the kids?
I haven't seen them in so long.
Oh, the kids are just fine.
They're staying with my
sister and her husband.
FELIX: Staying with your sister?
I thought they were
going to your parents.
No. Your sister...
Uh, is something wrong, Felix?
No...
If you don't mind them all
alone in that drafty house.
Boy, these eggs are good.
They're yummy, yummy.
Felix, are you saying that they
shouldn't be staying
with my sister?
No, I'm sure you did
what you thought was best.
Your sister isn't the
neatest person in the world.
Felix, is this going
to go on all weekend?
Because if it is, I
want no part of it.
All you've done all morning
is criticize and re-cook.
Well, excuse me.
I thought I was just
showing a normal interest
in my children's welfare,
and in my breakfast.
All right, let's not argue.
(high-pitched): Who's arguing?
Mmm, mmm, good.
Tight as a drum. Mmm!
Felix, can I talk to you alone
in the kitchen for
a minute? Sure.
Honey, Oscar wants to
talk to me in the kitchen.
Boy talk.
I love the way
you set the table.
I knew it! I don't want to be
in the middle of your
marital problems!
What marital...? We're
settling everything.
Everything's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Just a minute, Pumpkin.
Oscar loves your breakfast.
What do you mean "settling"?
You can't get past the pits.
Look how she
doesn't soak the bowl.
I've told her 10,000 times.
Will you forget about
the soaking bowl? Felix!
You're right,
Oscar, you're right.
It isn't fair of me to force
this on you in your own home.
Here, look.
Here's some
money. Go to a hotel.
A single man alone in a hotel?!
The three of us don't
belong here together.
I, I know you mean
well, Oscar, you do, but...
you just can't help saying
the wrong thing, can you?
Me? I didn't...
I didn't say anything
about the eggs.
I liked the toast.
It's not what you say,
it's what you don't
say. What didn't I say?
I know, personally,
that the reason I had
to sleep on the couch last
night was because of you.
How'd you figure that out?!
Well, you're here,
Gloria's a lady...
She was embarrassed.
Everything A-OK
in there, Pumpkin?
Good.
Not going great in here,
Pumpkin, I'll tell you that.
What about the poker game?
You'll play at the hotel
like the big-time players.
Here, go. It's on me.
All right, I'll call
you tonight at 7:00.
I'll tell you where we are.
No, no, no, I can't play.
Why not? I've got to stay
and work things out with Gloria.
I've got to find
another poker player?!
Thank you.
Gloria!
Gloria, hold onto your hat.
Oscar's been called
away on business.
Come clean the plate
and see your picture.
(poker chips rattling)
MURRAY: I'm in.
OSCAR: I'm in. I
see. What do you got?
I got this. "This"?
He's got "this." A full
house, he's got "this."
(clamoring)
Boy, this is fun!
BELLBOY: Will you
sign here, please?
Thank you very much.
Yeah, the tip is on there.
Thank you, Mr. Ogden.
No, Unger, Unger...
U-N-G-E-R, Unger.
Remember that.
Yeah... okay... All right...
Hey, kid, don't you ever lose?
This is the first
time I ever played.
Where'd you find this guy?
Roger's my new partner.
They like to put the rookie cops
with an experienced man.
I'm teaching him
everything I know.
Why don't you teach him
everything you know about poker?
(guys laughing)
Listen, how much
are the sandwiches?
Help yourself, Cincinnati Kid.
Oscar, he's from Oregon.
You should've charged him.
That's the only way
we're gonna get even.
Deal, Murray, deal, deal.
Five card draw.
Two... two... two...
two... two... three...
Murray, I only have the
room for the weekend.
I've only got two hands.
Then use 'em!
Come on, fellas, let's sit down.
Three-dollar ante.
Let's get some
good pots in here.
Okay, win some money.
Yeah, you're all in; come on.
There we go.
I pass. Up to you.
I hate to bother you fellas,
but could you give me
the order one more time?
What beats what? There's a pair.
There's two pairs,
there's three of a kind,
there's a straight,
there's a flush,
there's four... That's it!
I got a straight and a flush.
You got a straight and a flush?
He's got a straight flush!
(all talking at once)
(knocking on door)
Come in! I can't believe it.
(overlapping chatter)
Felix, what happened?
Gloria threw me out.
Gloria threw you out?
What happened?
Well, you know what she
did to breakfast this morning.
She tried for a
comeback with dinner.
Oh, boy, here we go.
I could have been
here sooner, fellas,
but I thought "Why
should I impose
all this misery
on my friends...?"
And I thought, "Why not?"
Gee, this is just
like the last time.
(moaning) I feel like
I'm watching a rerun.
I don't get it. What
is he talking about?
The first time Felix's wife threw
him out, we were playing cards.
All things are as
they were then only...
(in deep voice): You are there!
Hey, do you want
to sit in and play?
It's still early. No, no, no.
I'd only ruin your game.
Look, I remember
how you reacted before.
You're not gonna do
anything rash, are you?
(forced laugh) Good.
Okay, let's get
the game started.
Whose deal is it?
It's your deal, Oscar.
Okay, five card
draw, jacks to open.
You know something, Oscar?
This has taught me a lesson.
I'm glad it happened. Good.
You may never
have noticed, Oscar,
but I used to sing
the blues for Gloria.
I noticed, I noticed.
Trying to get even here!
What do you do, Vinnie?
Uh, I'm out. Speed? I'm out.
I'll go for a ride. We could still
be friends though, couldn't we?
I'll see your five and I'll raise you
five. Couldn't we still be friends?
Sure you can be
friends. I'll call your five,
I'll raise you two. She's a
wonderful woman, you know...
It'll cost you seven
dollars. Seven?
I feel better about it.
I see your five, I raise
you... Thank you, Oscar.
FELIX: Thank you.
I'm gonna call her.
I'm gonna call her.
I'm shy seven...
It's the dawning of a new day!
And a new Felix Unger.
Thank you, Oscar, thank you.
Okay, there's five, I
raise you six dollars.
It'll cost you $14.
I'm shy $14.
OSCAR: I see your bet
(busy signal) and
I raise you ten.
ROGER: Okay, there's a
ten and I'll raise it another five.
OSCAR: It'll cost you $15.
MURRAY: I'm shy $15.
I see your bet and I
raise you ten more.
Busy. Okay, there it is.
Who can she be talking to
at this hour? And another six.
Cost you $16.
I'm shy $16.
No skin off my nose.
I see the six... The
minute my back is turned!
They're gonna
stick to your hands.
See what happened there?
I see your six and
I raise you five.
Cost you five dollars.
(sobbing)
Costs you five
dollars to see the bet.
That man is crying. I know.
It'll cost you five dollars to see
the bet. See the bet or what?
Yeah, but it's hard to
bet when he's crying like...
He always cries. What
are you gonna do?
You gonna see the five?
What are you gonna do?
Here's the five dollars.
Okay, there you go.
What do you got?
I got one of this.
(growls) Will you stop crying!
My marriage is breaking up!
Your marriage
broke up years ago!
(crying)
SPEED: Oscar, I
can't take it anymore.
Let's forget the game.
We're not gonna forget the game.
It took me too long to
get this game started.
We're gonna move
it. Where? Where?
Everyplace we go, he follows us.
Meet up at my apartment.
That's right, Felix.
You're right, baby.
Here, get comfortable.
Yeah, that's just
exactly what you... here,
you'll get yourself a
little something to drink.
That'll be nice...
little refreshment...
Here, here's something to read.
There's nobody,
there's nobody
named Gloria in it.
There, it's perfect...
You'll be very comfortable.
Are you leaving me here alone?
It's the best thing.
Give you a chance
to think things over.
You really think so? I know so!
Now go to sleep.
Close your eyes.
Go ahead, enjoy, enjoy.
Okay, fellas, let's go.
Okay, let's get out of here.
Oscar, that blanket
belongs to the hotel.
I'll send 'em one of mine.
Murray, Murray, they're
stealing the blanket!
Aw, don't worry, kid.
You can't always go by the book.
(overlapping chatter)
Go, Murray. I pass.
I pass.
SPEED: Pass.
I'm sorry, I forgot
what it takes to open.
Jacks or better.
Jacks or better.
Jacks or better. Oh,
I think I can open.
I can see.
Go on. Place your bet.
Red, red, red, red.
MURRAY: Let's go, I'm in.
How many cards? One.
VINNIE: I'll take, uh, one.
Good to decision. How
many? Three. SPEED: Three.
Three for you. How many?
Oh, do I have to take any?
I think I got a royal house.
A royal house. I'm out.
MURRAY: That's
time. Time for what?
Time for Roger to go home.
What happened? What do you mean?
(overlapping chatter)
He's got early duty tomorrow
and he's got to get
his eight hours sleep.
It says so in the
Police Rookie Manual.
Well, you're gonna be here.
You're not gonna
get eight hours sleep.
Oh, I sleep in the patrol car.
The kid's gotta drive.
With the money he won
tonight, he could hire a chauffeur.
Well, it sure was nice
meetin' all you guys.
I hope we can do
this again real soon.
Good night, partner. Aw.
Ten-four, Murray.
$40... $50... Isn't
he a swell guy?
I'm taking him under my wing.
Why don't you take
him under your nose?
We're about to play
five card stud here.
Four handed, Oscar? Yeah.
Nobody plays four-handed
poker. Come on,
four hand is like "Old
Maid" or "Go Fish."
All right, listen, I'll
deal myself two hands.
Oscar, this game
is cursed! Forget it!
No, I'm not gonna forget it.
It took me too long to
get this game together.
I'm gonna get me a fifth...
Gloria, do you
want to play poker?
It's a hot seat.
Oh, I don't know
how to play poker.
We'll let you cheat.
Oh... No.
Why don't you call Felix?
Hello, Oscar.
I'm fine, thank you.
How are you?
Good.
Poker?
Why, yes, I'd love to.
Good. I'll be right over.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Got it, Murray?
Go fish!
(singsongy): I bet
you didn't get it.
I bet you didn't get it.
I'm gonna go find Felix.
He's probably at the hotel.
You know what happened?
He probably fell asleep there
and I'm gonna go get him...
Felix, what are
you doing out here?
I couldn't find my key.
What key? Come on in.
Here he is, fellas.
Deal the cards.
Let's go.
OSCAR: Fellas, let's get down.
Three-dollar
ante. Hello, Gloria.
You planning a little trip?
Yes, Andrea is picking me up.
Aw, that's nice.
Andrea's very nice.
Had some bad breaks
but she's very nice.
Felix, I'm sorry.
I think it's better this way.
That's all right.
I'm not upset.
I'm going to play
poker with my friends.
Okay, five card
draw, jacks or better.
I already anted for you.
Right.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Felix. Hi, Felix.
Hi, Felix.
Okay, Felix, can you open?
Well, let's see.
Isn't that interesting?
What?
Jacks have long hair.
Yeah.
That's one thing you
can't say about the tens.
That's true.
"The Queen of Hearts,
"she baked some tarts,
all on a summer's day."
Felix... can you open?
Right.
Cost you a blue chip. I'm in.
SPEED: I'm in.
How many cards?
I have five!
We all do.
Felix, how many
cards do you want?
Uh... two.
Two. Here you go.
That leaves three.
Discard the two, please.
Good-bye, cards.
How many? Uh, three.
Three. How many? Three.
Three.
Two. Two.
And two for the dealer.
Here we go.
Okay, Felix, what do you do?
Hmm? What do you do?
Ah!
Cost you $28.00.
VINNIE: I'm out. SPEED: Out.
MURRAY: I'm out.
I'll see.
What do you got?
Three queens.
Felix, you don't
have three queens.
Two queens.
You don't have any queens.
Two effeminate nines?
Felix, I win.
What's the matter with you?
I want some tarts.
Oh, boy, you're drunk.
I am not!
I never get drunk!
You're drunk!
I am not drunk.
Hey, I got some
balloons in the car.
Want me to go down and get 'em?
That won't be
necessary, Officer.
I'm always nervous
the first hand.
Is it my deal? Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm shuffling.
I'm going to deal.
Here comes the card train.
Choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo.
Ah, Felix!
Aah! Aah!
(groaning)
Okay, forget it, Oscar.
It's not worth it.
What a miserable reunion.
You know, we ought
to do this more often.
FELIX: Oscar! Yeah?
Deal me out!
(door closing)
And I had a royal house.
GLORIA: Oh, Oscar, I'm
sorry I ruined your poker game.
It's all my fault.
Oh, it is not your fault.
It's him.
As Winston Churchill said,
"Never has one man
done so little for so many."
He just tries too hard.
(doorbell buzzing)
Your taxi.
Good-bye, Oscar. Bye.
Thanks for everything
and make sure you
tell Felix good-bye
when he comes around.
(door closes)
Gloria!
Where's Gloria?
She's gone.
Oh, good.
I wouldn't want her
to see me like this.
(sobbing): She must hate me.
She doesn't hate you, Felix.
My hair feels funny.
It's not your hair.
You shouldn't try to
patch up your marriage
in two days.
I really blew it, didn't I?
Sure did.
It could've been a
great poker game.
Oh, your poker game.
Aw.
I promised I wouldn't
ruin it, didn't I.
You promised something
else, remember?
What?
This.
Bon appétit. Ugh!
don't worry about it.
He's going to be fine.
Great, okay, bye-bye.
Look at this desk.
(muttering)
Look out! Cold stuff.
Cold stuff! Cold stuff!
Cold stuff. I did it.
It's all set, Friday
night, 7:00 on that table.
Whoa, there!
I was at work on this desk.
What, you got a poker game up?
Not a poker game,
the poker game.
You know I had trouble getting
the guys together Friday night?
Vinnie, Murray, Steve, you
and me, Oh, great, great.
And we can play
weekend! That's marvelous.
Listen... Yeah, I know
it's going to make a mess.
I got it arranged with a maid
to come and clean on Sunday.
Oh, that's wonderful. Yes,
and I made her promise
she was going to leave the
windows for you. (laughs)
You're a hot sketch,
you really are. Felix!
Listen... The refrigerator's
cluttered with food.
(laughing) There's
no room for the beer!
Everything you say is funny.
Can we finish this food by Friday?
No wonder people
laugh at every...
Listen. Yeah?
I've got news, Oscar. What?
I'm getting back
together with my wife.
Thank you.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You and Gloria together... wow!
I know I didn't give
you much warning...
Who needs warning?
What a combination!
Hello, poker,
good-bye Felix party!
I'll help you pack, come on.
Your suitcase is in my room.
My suitcase is in
your room? Yeah.
I'll need a rag.
(dart thunks onto dartboard)
How come my
suitcase is in your room?
Well, I used it on my
last trip to Chicago.
When did I lend it to you?
Well, see, they won't let me
check into hotels
with my luggage.
No, no! Look what he's doing.
Aw, look at that!
Have tuna fish, will travel.
Botulism in my
beautiful suitcase.
If you're gonna travel,
you're gonna need
some of these here.
Listen, Oscar, you're
not listening to me.
I'm not leaving.
Don't toy with me while I have
dangerous hangers in my hand.
No. You're not leaving?
No. Forget thanks.
You misunderstood what I said.
I said, "I'm getting
back with Gloria."
I didn't say, "I'm
going back to Gloria."
How're you getting back
with her if you're not leaving?
She's coming here.
Here, here?
Yeah. Now, here's the scoop:
Gloria's house is being
painted, and she and the kids
have to get out
for a couple days.
Oh, boy, the kids,
too. That's all I need.
Kids while we playing
poker! No, not the kids.
The kids are going to her
parents' house in the country.
Look what a grouchy bear!
Come on, Oscar.
A couple of days
together may be just what
Gloria and I need to
straighten out our differences.
But what about the poker
game? It was supposed to be
a big reunion. What
about the poker game?
This isn't going to
affect our poker game.
How can you set... Gloria's
going to come here and it's not
going to interfere
with the poker game?
What difference does it
make? I swear to you...
I... If-If I ruin the
poker game, I'll...
I'll eat that tuna
fish sandwich.
(laughing)
Come on, don't...
Don't be a grouchy
bear, come on.
Be a nice bear.
Come on.
Come on, let's see
that nice bear smile.
Come on, big smile.
That's it! That's my Gentle Ben.
(tapping)
OSCAR: This is so silly.
No, it's not. Help me.
Pick up the flowers.
Pick up the flowers
there and I'll pick up these.
Where'd you get it? I saved
it from the honeymoon car.
There, aw.
Isn't that beautiful?
Think she'll remember?
Why, of course.
Everybody remembers
their honeymoon.
When's she coming? Soon. Soon!
What are those, your
wedding pictures?
There's a honeymoon picture
and a picture of our kids
when they were babies.
You think this is
too obvious? No!
When she comes in, why don't
you throw some rice in her face?
Felix, I don't envy you
sleeping on this
couch, I'll tell you that.
Well, maybe I won't have
to sleep on the couch, huh?
What's the matter? Is
something in your eye?
Well, that old
attraction is still there.
Oh, welcome to
the fight of the week.
I can see it now.
In this corner, a
man wearing shorts;
in this corner, a
woman fully clothed.
Oh, no.
No, mister, I never beg.
Why should we fight?
I'm not going to push
it. You think I'm dumb?
I'll sense her attitude and
then I'll act accordingly.
Yeah, but Felix,
you've got to play it cool.
Believe me, I'm cool.
I'm a cool cat, I am.
(doorbell buzzes)
There she is! A cool,
cool cat. Cool, cool.
Cool cat. (snaps fingers)
Hi, Gloria. Hi, Felix.
Oh... Flowers and...
Oh, Felix, did you?
Last-minute thought.
Oh... Oscar. Hi, Gloria.
I hope this isn't going
to inconvenience you.
Are you kidding?
I insisted. Where are the kids?
Oh, they couldn't
come. Aw, what a shame.
Boy, this is heavy.
Well, you know me.
I always over-pack.
Yes, you always do and
I've told you about it...
Cool cat, cool.
Better safe than sorry, yes.
Why don't I go and unpack?
Remember this luggage?
I got it for our honeymoon.
This honeymoon,
remember? Uh-huh.
Before we had these
two beautiful children.
Look, look.
GLORIA: Oh, who got married?
We did. Remember?
Two love-crazed kids?
Gloria, I...
I'd like you to stay in my room.
Oh, thank you, Felix.
That's so nice of you
to sleep on the couch.
What did I tell you, huh?
(snapping fingers)
She's still crazy
about me, you see?
That old attraction
is still there. Yeah.
What are you staring at?
Just 'cause she wouldn't kiss
me when I came to the door?
Oh, that, that's corny.
She doesn't do that.
Because she didn't
remember the sign?
Who remembers their honeymoon?
You mean 'cause she said I
should sleep on the couch?
Sex isn't everything.
("Taps" playing)
Morning! Good morning!
Have breakfast
ready in a minute.
Gloria already
made breakfast. Ahh!
Nice, nice!
Up and at 'em, huh?
Orange juice, eggs...
(quietly): Act pleasant
no matter how it tastes.
What do you mean?
It tastes terrific.
Clever, clever, clever.
There she is.
To one girl who
always looks beautiful
in the morning, no
matter what! Aw...
(groans)
Felix, what, what is it?
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
It's... it's...
Don't pay any attention
to me; keep eating.
Did you sleep well?
Oh, fine. How about you?
Mm, snug as a bug
all alone in a rug.
Is your juice all right, Oscar?
Oh, great. It's
terrific. Very good.
Good, good, good.
(knife scraping toast)
Gloria, I was thinking of
taking the whole day off today.
Is there anything
you'd like to do?
Is something wrong
with the toast, Felix?
No, no, it's fine now.
(scraping)
I thought we'd go to the
museum. Would you like that?
Oh, a museum sounds nice.
Good, good.
Where are you going, Felix?
Eggs are a little runny.
I'll tighten 'em up a bit.
Tighten yours, Oscar?
No, mine are tight enough.
Tight enough.
You put catsup on her eggs?
Do you realize what
an insult that is?
Felix, if you don't
like the eggs...
How are the kids?
I haven't seen them in so long.
Oh, the kids are just fine.
They're staying with my
sister and her husband.
FELIX: Staying with your sister?
I thought they were
going to your parents.
No. Your sister...
Uh, is something wrong, Felix?
No...
If you don't mind them all
alone in that drafty house.
Boy, these eggs are good.
They're yummy, yummy.
Felix, are you saying that they
shouldn't be staying
with my sister?
No, I'm sure you did
what you thought was best.
Your sister isn't the
neatest person in the world.
Felix, is this going
to go on all weekend?
Because if it is, I
want no part of it.
All you've done all morning
is criticize and re-cook.
Well, excuse me.
I thought I was just
showing a normal interest
in my children's welfare,
and in my breakfast.
All right, let's not argue.
(high-pitched): Who's arguing?
Mmm, mmm, good.
Tight as a drum. Mmm!
Felix, can I talk to you alone
in the kitchen for
a minute? Sure.
Honey, Oscar wants to
talk to me in the kitchen.
Boy talk.
I love the way
you set the table.
I knew it! I don't want to be
in the middle of your
marital problems!
What marital...? We're
settling everything.
Everything's all right.
Don't worry about it.
Just a minute, Pumpkin.
Oscar loves your breakfast.
What do you mean "settling"?
You can't get past the pits.
Look how she
doesn't soak the bowl.
I've told her 10,000 times.
Will you forget about
the soaking bowl? Felix!
You're right,
Oscar, you're right.
It isn't fair of me to force
this on you in your own home.
Here, look.
Here's some
money. Go to a hotel.
A single man alone in a hotel?!
The three of us don't
belong here together.
I, I know you mean
well, Oscar, you do, but...
you just can't help saying
the wrong thing, can you?
Me? I didn't...
I didn't say anything
about the eggs.
I liked the toast.
It's not what you say,
it's what you don't
say. What didn't I say?
I know, personally,
that the reason I had
to sleep on the couch last
night was because of you.
How'd you figure that out?!
Well, you're here,
Gloria's a lady...
She was embarrassed.
Everything A-OK
in there, Pumpkin?
Good.
Not going great in here,
Pumpkin, I'll tell you that.
What about the poker game?
You'll play at the hotel
like the big-time players.
Here, go. It's on me.
All right, I'll call
you tonight at 7:00.
I'll tell you where we are.
No, no, no, I can't play.
Why not? I've got to stay
and work things out with Gloria.
I've got to find
another poker player?!
Thank you.
Gloria!
Gloria, hold onto your hat.
Oscar's been called
away on business.
Come clean the plate
and see your picture.
(poker chips rattling)
MURRAY: I'm in.
OSCAR: I'm in. I
see. What do you got?
I got this. "This"?
He's got "this." A full
house, he's got "this."
(clamoring)
Boy, this is fun!
BELLBOY: Will you
sign here, please?
Thank you very much.
Yeah, the tip is on there.
Thank you, Mr. Ogden.
No, Unger, Unger...
U-N-G-E-R, Unger.
Remember that.
Yeah... okay... All right...
Hey, kid, don't you ever lose?
This is the first
time I ever played.
Where'd you find this guy?
Roger's my new partner.
They like to put the rookie cops
with an experienced man.
I'm teaching him
everything I know.
Why don't you teach him
everything you know about poker?
(guys laughing)
Listen, how much
are the sandwiches?
Help yourself, Cincinnati Kid.
Oscar, he's from Oregon.
You should've charged him.
That's the only way
we're gonna get even.
Deal, Murray, deal, deal.
Five card draw.
Two... two... two...
two... two... three...
Murray, I only have the
room for the weekend.
I've only got two hands.
Then use 'em!
Come on, fellas, let's sit down.
Three-dollar ante.
Let's get some
good pots in here.
Okay, win some money.
Yeah, you're all in; come on.
There we go.
I pass. Up to you.
I hate to bother you fellas,
but could you give me
the order one more time?
What beats what? There's a pair.
There's two pairs,
there's three of a kind,
there's a straight,
there's a flush,
there's four... That's it!
I got a straight and a flush.
You got a straight and a flush?
He's got a straight flush!
(all talking at once)
(knocking on door)
Come in! I can't believe it.
(overlapping chatter)
Felix, what happened?
Gloria threw me out.
Gloria threw you out?
What happened?
Well, you know what she
did to breakfast this morning.
She tried for a
comeback with dinner.
Oh, boy, here we go.
I could have been
here sooner, fellas,
but I thought "Why
should I impose
all this misery
on my friends...?"
And I thought, "Why not?"
Gee, this is just
like the last time.
(moaning) I feel like
I'm watching a rerun.
I don't get it. What
is he talking about?
The first time Felix's wife threw
him out, we were playing cards.
All things are as
they were then only...
(in deep voice): You are there!
Hey, do you want
to sit in and play?
It's still early. No, no, no.
I'd only ruin your game.
Look, I remember
how you reacted before.
You're not gonna do
anything rash, are you?
(forced laugh) Good.
Okay, let's get
the game started.
Whose deal is it?
It's your deal, Oscar.
Okay, five card
draw, jacks to open.
You know something, Oscar?
This has taught me a lesson.
I'm glad it happened. Good.
You may never
have noticed, Oscar,
but I used to sing
the blues for Gloria.
I noticed, I noticed.
Trying to get even here!
What do you do, Vinnie?
Uh, I'm out. Speed? I'm out.
I'll go for a ride. We could still
be friends though, couldn't we?
I'll see your five and I'll raise you
five. Couldn't we still be friends?
Sure you can be
friends. I'll call your five,
I'll raise you two. She's a
wonderful woman, you know...
It'll cost you seven
dollars. Seven?
I feel better about it.
I see your five, I raise
you... Thank you, Oscar.
FELIX: Thank you.
I'm gonna call her.
I'm gonna call her.
I'm shy seven...
It's the dawning of a new day!
And a new Felix Unger.
Thank you, Oscar, thank you.
Okay, there's five, I
raise you six dollars.
It'll cost you $14.
I'm shy $14.
OSCAR: I see your bet
(busy signal) and
I raise you ten.
ROGER: Okay, there's a
ten and I'll raise it another five.
OSCAR: It'll cost you $15.
MURRAY: I'm shy $15.
I see your bet and I
raise you ten more.
Busy. Okay, there it is.
Who can she be talking to
at this hour? And another six.
Cost you $16.
I'm shy $16.
No skin off my nose.
I see the six... The
minute my back is turned!
They're gonna
stick to your hands.
See what happened there?
I see your six and
I raise you five.
Cost you five dollars.
(sobbing)
Costs you five
dollars to see the bet.
That man is crying. I know.
It'll cost you five dollars to see
the bet. See the bet or what?
Yeah, but it's hard to
bet when he's crying like...
He always cries. What
are you gonna do?
You gonna see the five?
What are you gonna do?
Here's the five dollars.
Okay, there you go.
What do you got?
I got one of this.
(growls) Will you stop crying!
My marriage is breaking up!
Your marriage
broke up years ago!
(crying)
SPEED: Oscar, I
can't take it anymore.
Let's forget the game.
We're not gonna forget the game.
It took me too long to
get this game started.
We're gonna move
it. Where? Where?
Everyplace we go, he follows us.
Meet up at my apartment.
That's right, Felix.
You're right, baby.
Here, get comfortable.
Yeah, that's just
exactly what you... here,
you'll get yourself a
little something to drink.
That'll be nice...
little refreshment...
Here, here's something to read.
There's nobody,
there's nobody
named Gloria in it.
There, it's perfect...
You'll be very comfortable.
Are you leaving me here alone?
It's the best thing.
Give you a chance
to think things over.
You really think so? I know so!
Now go to sleep.
Close your eyes.
Go ahead, enjoy, enjoy.
Okay, fellas, let's go.
Okay, let's get out of here.
Oscar, that blanket
belongs to the hotel.
I'll send 'em one of mine.
Murray, Murray, they're
stealing the blanket!
Aw, don't worry, kid.
You can't always go by the book.
(overlapping chatter)
Go, Murray. I pass.
I pass.
SPEED: Pass.
I'm sorry, I forgot
what it takes to open.
Jacks or better.
Jacks or better.
Jacks or better. Oh,
I think I can open.
I can see.
Go on. Place your bet.
Red, red, red, red.
MURRAY: Let's go, I'm in.
How many cards? One.
VINNIE: I'll take, uh, one.
Good to decision. How
many? Three. SPEED: Three.
Three for you. How many?
Oh, do I have to take any?
I think I got a royal house.
A royal house. I'm out.
MURRAY: That's
time. Time for what?
Time for Roger to go home.
What happened? What do you mean?
(overlapping chatter)
He's got early duty tomorrow
and he's got to get
his eight hours sleep.
It says so in the
Police Rookie Manual.
Well, you're gonna be here.
You're not gonna
get eight hours sleep.
Oh, I sleep in the patrol car.
The kid's gotta drive.
With the money he won
tonight, he could hire a chauffeur.
Well, it sure was nice
meetin' all you guys.
I hope we can do
this again real soon.
Good night, partner. Aw.
Ten-four, Murray.
$40... $50... Isn't
he a swell guy?
I'm taking him under my wing.
Why don't you take
him under your nose?
We're about to play
five card stud here.
Four handed, Oscar? Yeah.
Nobody plays four-handed
poker. Come on,
four hand is like "Old
Maid" or "Go Fish."
All right, listen, I'll
deal myself two hands.
Oscar, this game
is cursed! Forget it!
No, I'm not gonna forget it.
It took me too long to
get this game together.
I'm gonna get me a fifth...
Gloria, do you
want to play poker?
It's a hot seat.
Oh, I don't know
how to play poker.
We'll let you cheat.
Oh... No.
Why don't you call Felix?
Hello, Oscar.
I'm fine, thank you.
How are you?
Good.
Poker?
Why, yes, I'd love to.
Good. I'll be right over.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Got it, Murray?
Go fish!
(singsongy): I bet
you didn't get it.
I bet you didn't get it.
I'm gonna go find Felix.
He's probably at the hotel.
You know what happened?
He probably fell asleep there
and I'm gonna go get him...
Felix, what are
you doing out here?
I couldn't find my key.
What key? Come on in.
Here he is, fellas.
Deal the cards.
Let's go.
OSCAR: Fellas, let's get down.
Three-dollar
ante. Hello, Gloria.
You planning a little trip?
Yes, Andrea is picking me up.
Aw, that's nice.
Andrea's very nice.
Had some bad breaks
but she's very nice.
Felix, I'm sorry.
I think it's better this way.
That's all right.
I'm not upset.
I'm going to play
poker with my friends.
Okay, five card
draw, jacks or better.
I already anted for you.
Right.
Hi, guys.
Hi, Felix. Hi, Felix.
Hi, Felix.
Okay, Felix, can you open?
Well, let's see.
Isn't that interesting?
What?
Jacks have long hair.
Yeah.
That's one thing you
can't say about the tens.
That's true.
"The Queen of Hearts,
"she baked some tarts,
all on a summer's day."
Felix... can you open?
Right.
Cost you a blue chip. I'm in.
SPEED: I'm in.
How many cards?
I have five!
We all do.
Felix, how many
cards do you want?
Uh... two.
Two. Here you go.
That leaves three.
Discard the two, please.
Good-bye, cards.
How many? Uh, three.
Three. How many? Three.
Three.
Two. Two.
And two for the dealer.
Here we go.
Okay, Felix, what do you do?
Hmm? What do you do?
Ah!
Cost you $28.00.
VINNIE: I'm out. SPEED: Out.
MURRAY: I'm out.
I'll see.
What do you got?
Three queens.
Felix, you don't
have three queens.
Two queens.
You don't have any queens.
Two effeminate nines?
Felix, I win.
What's the matter with you?
I want some tarts.
Oh, boy, you're drunk.
I am not!
I never get drunk!
You're drunk!
I am not drunk.
Hey, I got some
balloons in the car.
Want me to go down and get 'em?
That won't be
necessary, Officer.
I'm always nervous
the first hand.
Is it my deal? Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm shuffling.
I'm going to deal.
Here comes the card train.
Choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo,
choo, choo, choo.
Ah, Felix!
Aah! Aah!
(groaning)
Okay, forget it, Oscar.
It's not worth it.
What a miserable reunion.
You know, we ought
to do this more often.
FELIX: Oscar! Yeah?
Deal me out!
(door closing)
And I had a royal house.
GLORIA: Oh, Oscar, I'm
sorry I ruined your poker game.
It's all my fault.
Oh, it is not your fault.
It's him.
As Winston Churchill said,
"Never has one man
done so little for so many."
He just tries too hard.
(doorbell buzzing)
Your taxi.
Good-bye, Oscar. Bye.
Thanks for everything
and make sure you
tell Felix good-bye
when he comes around.
(door closes)
Gloria!
Where's Gloria?
She's gone.
Oh, good.
I wouldn't want her
to see me like this.
(sobbing): She must hate me.
She doesn't hate you, Felix.
My hair feels funny.
It's not your hair.
You shouldn't try to
patch up your marriage
in two days.
I really blew it, didn't I?
Sure did.
It could've been a
great poker game.
Oh, your poker game.
Aw.
I promised I wouldn't
ruin it, didn't I.
You promised something
else, remember?
What?
This.
Bon appétit. Ugh!