The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Murray Who Came to Dinner - full transcript
Murray moves in after a fight with his wife making it the odd triple.
(high-pitched whirring)
Oh, Felix, you're not
going to believe this.
Do you know what happened? What?
Do you know what happened?
You know what
my paper did to me?
They switched my
Wednesday column to Tuesday,
which used to be my day off.
Huh?
And now Wednesday's my day
off, which does me no good at all.
(muttering angrily)
Huh? I can't hear you.
Will you shut the thing
off and stop saying what?
I have to get a
column off by tomorrow.
I haven't got one
word written yet.
First time I've seen
a man and a room
self-destruct in five seconds.
You leave clothing
the way Hansel and Gretel
left gingerbread crumbs.
What am I going to do with you?
You're going to leave me
alone so I can write this column.
Sure, write.
More crumpled papers
all over my room.
It's like living with a parade.
You know how I am when
I have to meet a deadline.
Yeah, I know. However...
What? Will you hold your
however till I finish the column?
I think I can bat it out
if I get a roll on it, okay?
Oscar.
What?
Oscar!
Felix!
Remember last week's poker game?
You might find a scorpion
in your wheat germ.
Remember how
despondent Murray was
because he'd had
a fight with his wife?
He didn't touch his knockwurst.
Look at this... the soap opera
about Murray and his knockwurst.
I got a column I
got to get out here!
They broke up.
Murray and Mimi split?
He left home this morning.
Oh, that is too bad.
You know what? We'll
take him out to dinner.
We'll cheer him up as soon
as I finish the column, okay?
But let me get it out.
Look at what I just wrote.
"Felix is staring."
What is it?
One more thing about Murray.
MURRAY: Hi, Oscar.
Can I borrow your toothpaste?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
No, he wants to be with
his friends at a time like this.
Oscar, have you
forgotten what it's like
when your marriage went bye-bye?
The best part of my
marriage was the bye-bye.
Murray, please,
you're welcome to stay.
I'm sorry you have
problems and everything,
but just excuse me
for a little while, okay?
I'll make the bed, Murray.
What bed? It's 3:00
in the afternoon.
FELIX: Murray's on the
midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift.
It's my bedtime. Yeah,
but this isn't your bed place.
Felix, I got to work out here.
Let him sleep in my room.
He's been punished enough!
You go work in your room.
You know I always fall asleep
at my typewriter when I do that.
This is an emergency.
His wife kicked him out.
She thinks he's carrying
on with another woman.
Can you imagine?
You with another woman?
Of course not!
Well, why didn't you
straighten her out, then?
Because I am involved,
but not the way Mimi thinks.
You see, I got assigned
to protect a public figure.
And out of gratitude,
she gave me her picture.
"To my favorite fuzz.
"Love, Chi-Chi Rita Caballero,
Captain of the
Jersey City Jammers."
Your wife thinks you're involved
with a roller-skating queen?
She found skates under my bed.
Well, couldn't you
prove they were yours?
How? Chi-Chi and I
wear the same size.
Mimi said it was
either Chi-Chi or her.
And I couldn't let
her dictate to me.
Not when it comes
to police work.
I just couldn't... (sniffling)
Aw, Murray, you
did the right thing.
We... We all understand that.
(typewriter clacking)
Murray, look. Look
what I've got you.
I got a nice pillow
for you, you see?
It's fluffy, and this isn't
filled with down plucked
from the body of
some murdered duck.
This is foam rubber.
It will allow for the
indentation of your head
and nose and other
parts of your face.
It's nice.
See? OSCAR: Okay.
What's the matter?
Something wrong?
Well, evidently I'm out of step.
It's 3:00 o'clock
in the afternoon.
I'm not wearing my jammies.
I'm going to take my typewriter,
I'm going to put it on
a murdered duck pillow
and finish my column.
Felix, maybe I better
go live somewhere else.
There's a nice little
hotel by the river.
No. No river.
Now, Oscar's just as glad
as I am to have you here.
He just expresses himself badly.
Felix, I miss Mimi so much.
(sniffling)
Aw, come on... you big lug.
Let's see that
brave Murray smile.
Come on.
Well, we'll work on it. Come on.
Did you ask Murray how
long he's going to stay?
Indefinitely, or until Mimi
comes to her senses.
I'm going to call her. No!
I haven't had a decent
night's sleep in a week.
He's driving me nuts.
I don't know why.
I do all the work.
(sighs)
Felix, I've been
here a whole week,
and this is the
best breakfast ever.
It's only been a week?
Breakfast, 11:30 at night.
Aw, gee, it's really
nice of you fellas.
It's almost like having
breakfast with Mimi.
Breakfast was our favorite meal.
(crying)
Come on, hold on, hold on.
You're doing so beautifully.
All right, Oscar, give him a
question from the sergeant's quiz.
I want to go to bed!
It's... (groans) Come on.
"How close is a car allowed
to park near a fire hydrant?"
Gee, that's a toughie.
Mimi and I didn't
get that far yet.
How long you been working on it?
Well, next month makes 11 years.
That's it.
All that time, Mimi
and me studied...
From arson to zip guns.
(sobbing): It was wonderful!
Steady, man, steady, come on.
Don't look back.
You got to face the future
with confidence. Come on.
(sighs) Off to work we go.
Here we go, Officer Greshler.
Our guardian,
protector of the city.
There we are.
Doesn't he look nice?
A real policeman.
(sighs)
Your hat fits like a glove.
Doesn't he look nice, Oscar?
Take off.
Thanks, Felix.
Right now...
Chi-Chi's waiting for
me to escort her safely
from the roller rink.
As a duly authorized
officer of the law,
I must not shirk
my responsibilities.
I bid you good day, gentlemen.
Hey, Columbo.
You forgot something.
Just like Mimi used to...
Gee, it's so nice and shiny.
I cleaned the gun and
changed the bullets.
Thanks, Felix.
I'll see you later.
Keep smiling!
(whimpers)
(door closes)
There goes one of
New York's finest.
Yeah, if you like
blubber in blue.
I'm telling you
something, Felix...
He goes out!
Oh, come on... That's it!
Oh, Oscar, have a heart.
And I'm going to bed.
Oscar, how can you desert
Murray in his hour of need?
His hour of need always
comes in the middle of the night.
But if... if we throw him out
right after his wife
has thrown him out,
he'll be horribly humiliated.
Murray likes to be
humiliated. Oh...
That's why he became
a cop. Oh, Oscar.
Felix, another week
of midnight breakfasts,
you on suicide patrol,
I'll be making ashtrays
under medical supervision.
Now, this apartment
was not meant for three.
This apartment was
not meant for two,
but that's already a
whole different story.
Oh, boy, are you abusive
when you're sleepy.
What am I supposed to do?
All day, I have to tiptoe around
because Murray is sleeping.
At night, I can't sleep
because Murray's awake.
It's like living with an owl.
You just took your socks off.
What are you doing?
Putting on a fresh
pair for tomorrow.
And you... you're always there making
lunch for him, 4:00 in the morning.
You think I like to get up at 4:00
in the morning and make lunch?
He was so appreciative
the first time I did it, poor guy,
I just don't have
the heart to stop.
Yeah, but Felix, how long
is it going to go on? (sighs)
I never know what
time of the day it is.
I went out to cover a hockey
game at 9:00 in the morning.
Even the puck was asleep.
Oh, I'm sick and tired
of watching Captain
Kangaroo and then going to bed.
OSCAR: Slow down.
FELIX: It's good
for you. I hate it.
Then why did you
get up this morning?
Who got up?
With Murray and his
cockamamie hours, who sleeps?
His schedule's no
worse than a doctor's.
Throw him out and find a doctor
who's having trouble at home.
At least he'll be there
to make house calls.
I don't know, Felix.
I just don't think I
got artistic ability.
Oh, come on now.
That's defeatist
talk again, Murray.
And from a constable.
Let me see what you've got here.
That's a banana.
Now, that would
say, "I am a banana"
to anyone who looked at it.
♪ The sun in the morning and the
moon at night... ♪ Oscar! Murray...
Hi, Murray. MURRAY: Hi.
Show Oscar what you
drew. It's your nose.
It's a banana.
Same difference.
Go wash your hands.
Why? 'Cause they're yellow.
Go wash your
hands. No, they're not.
Will you go wash your hands?
I want to talk to Felix
behind your back.
You want me to leave
the room. Yes, Van Gogh.
Would you paint another
banana or an apple
or your chin or something?
You don't mind, do you?
Of course not. Who am I to mind?
What? What, what?
I went to see Mimi, and I
convinced her to come here.
She'll be here any minute.
Will she take him back?
I don't know, she
didn't say for sure,
but I think the
minute she sees him,
everything's going
to fall into place.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let's pray!
Yeah, and I got really
good news. What?
Who do you think gave me these?
Two tiny winos?
Two Swedish stewardesses.
Remember?
Yes! I made a date with
them for Saturday night.
Now you know why Murray
has to go back with Mimi.
And... let's face it...
Murray should be
back with Mimi, right?
Absolutely.
Let me handle this.
Murray!
What are you going to do?
Let me handle this.
Murray, come here.
I want to talk to you.
Yeah, what?
Sit down, Murray.
Over there?
Yes, right there.
Murray... marriage...
marriage... is a
beautiful thing.
It is the union...
of two people...
Tell him, not me.
Based on devotion
and understanding.
It's a union in which
each member...
cares more for the
welfare of the other...
than he cares for himself.
Such a union, Murray, is strong.
Yeah, like the Teamsters.
What God hath joined together,
let no man tear asunder.
Amen. Amen.
Murray, you and
Mimi, after 18 years...
you got too much going
for you to just throw it away.
(doorbell buzzes)
Murray, Mimi is right
outside that door.
MURRAY: What?! Who?!
Hi, Mimi. (door shuts)
Hello, Murray.
It's nice to see you.
It's nice to see you, too, Mimi.
Isn't this nice?
Nice? It's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Murray, I have something to say.
She's got something to say.
Listen very carefully,
huh? What is it?
Murray, I want you to come home.
Aw... You mean it?
Does she mean it? Don't you
hear the pitter-patter FELIX: Oh...
of her heart? Of course she
means it. Oh, you'll be happy. Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait!
This is a joyous occasion!
Let's revel in the moment!
But I think they'd rather
revel by themselves. Go...
No, no, this calls
for a celebration!
Mimi, Murray, oh, you two
wonderful, beautiful people.
Mimi, Murray... oh!
Believe me, I know
what's in your hearts.
Oh, Mimi, you're such
a wonderful person!
I have a feeling that
everything... Mimi?
I know that I can
count on you...
to make yourself
into the kind of wife...
that Murray needs.
Well... I know that...
you will not make the
same mistakes again.
Felix!
What do you mean?
Sit down. Mimi...
Sweetheart...
if you can't recognize
a few problems...
if you're not willing to make
a few changes in yourself...
then you're doomed to failure.
I'll handle this, Murray.
Mimi, this man came to us
a pathetic, broken toy.
Somebody... had
broken his spirit.
He had no pride.
He had no confidence.
He had no personality.
That's what you left
me to work with, Mimi.
Look at him now.
Hmm? After one
week, he has poise.
He has confidence.
He can draw a banana.
I'll handle this.
Mimi... Don't just
sit there, Murray.
Take out your gun and shoot him.
Your function now must be
to build him up, to
increase his self-respect.
Mimi, darling, this is crucial!
You've got to do better.
Murray, say something!
Mimi, how come you
never got up at 4:00 a.m.
and made my lunch
like Felix does?
Because I'm not a
compulsive neurotic
like Felix.
I don't have to sit in my
own home and listen to this.
Come on, Murray, let's go.
I'm not going, Mimi.
What? I'm understood here.
I belong here.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to my room.
Good-bye, Oscar.
Tell Murray when he wants
to come home to let me know.
Nice seeing you, Mimi.
Good-bye, Dear Abby.
(whistling)
Who would have believed
the repressed
hostility in that woman?
(handcuffs locking)
What are you doing?
Saving your life!
It's 4:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here?
What do you think I'm
doing at 4:00 in the morning?
I'm making Murray's lunch.
Second question: why
are you still living here?
You think that's witty, Oscar?
At 4:00 in the morning you're
going to have to settle for surly.
Nobody said you had to
get up at 4:00 in the morning!
How could I sleep with
Murray singing in the bathroom?
Murray singing?
19 choruses of "I Feel Pretty."
But you see, that's wonderful.
He's expressing his
independence, his manhood.
Now, I'll help him with that.
Felix, don't you understand?
You're creating a
monster. Nosenstein!
Oh, boys!
Well, at least somebody
is cheery this morning.
You know, I sing
all the time now.
These last couple days have
made a new man out of me.
I still don't even think
about going back to Mimi.
I do.
Oh, Felix, I won't have
time to eat my lunch.
Just put it in a bag, will you?
Beef stroganoff in a bag?
Oh. Well, I'll just
pick up a hot dog
on the way; don't worry.
Oscar?
What? Got mushrooms in it?
Yeah. Oh.
Hey, you know something?
This apartment is just too small
for three swinging bachelors.
I think I'm going to
start looking around
for a bigger place.
Hey, rest up, you guys.
Tonight is Saturday night,
and I know you got
something wild planned for us.
(laughs)
Look out, world!
Murray Greshler's
coming through!
And nothing can stop me now!
Ciao!
I know.
I've got to destroy Nosenstein.
Okay, yeah, see you later.
Yeah, bye-bye.
I don't believe I just
postponed a date
with two long, lean Swedish legs
for one big, fat cop.
I just hope this works.
It will.
Do you think we can fool him?
Are you kidding?
Anything fools Murray.
Last year, five criminals
got away from him
by yelling, "Hey,
your shoe's untied!"
Hey! Hi, guys.
FELIX: Hey, Murray,
your shoe's untied.
It's gonna work.
Hey, we got something
big in the works?
Yeah, come on. Sit down.
Play Parcheesi with
us. You can have brown.
Yeah, grab a chair,
we'll have cocoa soon.
Cocoa? Yeah.
I put a sprig of
cinnamon in it for tang.
It keeps your
anxiety in abeyance.
(chuckles)
Hey! Boxcars!
What am I? Where am I?
Blue, blue, blue.
Come on, bones, do your stuff.
Five, six, seven,
eight... Hey, Oscar, Felix.
This is Saturday night.
Were supposed to have dates!
You know, kicks, fun.
Oh, fun.
He wonders why
we're not having fun.
You're looking at a
very depressed man.
He usually...
He puts up a good front, but...
I don't know, something
happens to a man
when he hasn't had
a date in six months.
Ah, girls who go out
with divorced men,
they don't want a
meaningful relationship.
(moans) They're only
out for what they can get.
Six months... but
you go out, Oscar.
I've always seen you
with great knockouts. Ah!
Ah, but where are
they now, Murr?
Face it: the swinging
single life is a fake.
Come on, grab a chair.
Join the game.
Later we're going to
make tiny fudge balls.
The winner gets
to lick the spoon.
Guys, I don't want to
interrupt your game.
I think I'll just go out and...
maybe walk my old beat.
Well, if you come
in after 10:00,
try to hold it down, will
you? We'll be sleeping.
Ciao.
Nine. (door closes)
The girls are waiting.
Let's get dressed!
(siren blares)
Come on, Felix. We
won't wait for a cab.
We'll run across town.
Oscar, Felix.
Nobody should be
alone on Saturday night.
Were you guys going somewhere?
No, no. No, no, I just...
we were going down
to the laundry room.
Hey! Guess what old
Murr has done for you boys.
What? You didn't have dates.
I got you dates!
(laughs)
Hold it, girls.
Gentlemen, may I present
the captain of the
Jersey City Jammers,
Miss Chi-Chi
Caballero! Hi, boys.
Boom-Boom O'Brian
and Lulu LaVerne!
Nice to meet you!
FELIX: Likewise, I'm sure.
Hey, they had a good
hour between games,
so I thought maybe
we'll have a little fun.
What are we going to do?
Well, we could ask
them to fix our car.
(girls talking at once)
Hey, who wants to butt heads?
No, let's not.
I've got a headache.
Let's arm wrestle.
Look, we got a problem here.
Even if we wanted to
go out with these girls,
which we don't, we
can't, we have a date.
Remember? Yeah, so I know what.
What? You tell them.
Hey, Felix, honey,
you got anything
to wet my whistle?
I'm as dry as a rusty nail.
Oh, hey! Hey, beer!
Huh! Whoo!
(laughs): Old faithful, thanks.
She seems to be
your kind of person.
So she has one good habit.
Felix, we got problems.
Look, we have a date
with the girls, right?
Here's what we'll do:
we take these girls out.
Now, when they have
to go to work, we'll split,
then we'll pick up the other
girls, okay? Good, good, good.
One thing. What?
I'm not taking the plain one.
The plain one?
Which one is the plain one?
Murray's the
prettiest one out there.
Are you ready to go,
Miss Boom-Boom?
No, honey, you got it wrong.
I'm Lulu, she's Boom-Boom,
and that's Chi-Chi.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Hey! Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Put it together, it
sounds like a rhythm!
(chanting): Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Come on! Come on, Oscar.
Head for the rink, girls!
We'll cream those
bums from Boston!
Come on, Oscar.
Let's not use our right
names, okay, Howard?
But, Oscar, it's wrong!
It's wrong! Cut it out.
Do you know what you just did?
You ditched Lulu,
Boom-Boom and Chi-Chi
on a New York
City street after dark.
Yeah, well, if we're lucky,
they won't hurt anybody.
What a night!
And we lost those
two Swedish long legs.
Hey, wasn't that exciting?
Did you see the way Chi-Chi
bashed that old skater
into the front wall?
Whoom (chuckles)!
That was in the
restaurant after the match.
Oh, it was one
heck of an evening.
A wild, swinging night
on the town! Wow!
(chanting): Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
How about that guy?
He's got a date
with Godzilla's niece,
a riot at the roller
rink, and he thinks
he had a good time. Exactly.
He thinks he had a good time.
Didn't he? Oh, of course not.
It is so obvious.
That man is deluding him...
Wait. I'm going to
prove something to you.
What are you going to
do? Just wait, just wait.
Murray! Murray! Yo!
Come here, Murray,
I want to talk to you.
Yeah? Sit down, Murray.
Here? Yes.
Can I sit down over here?
Yeah, of course.
Murray.
I was watching you tonight.
You're a very unhappy man.
I am?
You know how
you're fooling yourself?
I've known you a
good long time, Murray.
Your place is with Mimi.
Remember the
words of Shakespeare.
"This above all: to
thine own self be true."
Hamlet, Act One,
Polonius to his son, Laertes.
You're right, Felix.
You're absolutely right.
I'm going to start packing.
Felix, that was
wonderful, a miracle.
How'd you do it?
I am able to communicate
my thoughts to others.
Oh! I have that gift.
I've had it all my life.
Really. Now, you see,
if I hadn't told him that,
he would have continued to
delude himself. (door buzzes)
He would have gone on
believing he was happy.
He would never have
realized and recognized
he belongs with Mimi.
Hi. Mimi, what are
you doing here?
Murray called me
from some restaurant.
He said deep down
he really wasn't having
a very good time being
a swinging bachelor.
I should come pick him up.
He's packing, go in
and help him, darling.
Murray!
Erase all that, erase
what you said before.
I guessed... Uh-huh.
That that's what he had done.
I did!
But I didn't have the courage
to say what I had guessed.
You see, my problem is...
I lack confidence.
Felix, aren't you deluding
yourself when you say,
"I think I enjoy
living with Oscar"?
Remember Macbeth,
Act Two, Scene One,
Macduff to Macbeth?
Those immortal words,
"Why don't you move out?"
Oh, Felix, you're not
going to believe this.
Do you know what happened? What?
Do you know what happened?
You know what
my paper did to me?
They switched my
Wednesday column to Tuesday,
which used to be my day off.
Huh?
And now Wednesday's my day
off, which does me no good at all.
(muttering angrily)
Huh? I can't hear you.
Will you shut the thing
off and stop saying what?
I have to get a
column off by tomorrow.
I haven't got one
word written yet.
First time I've seen
a man and a room
self-destruct in five seconds.
You leave clothing
the way Hansel and Gretel
left gingerbread crumbs.
What am I going to do with you?
You're going to leave me
alone so I can write this column.
Sure, write.
More crumpled papers
all over my room.
It's like living with a parade.
You know how I am when
I have to meet a deadline.
Yeah, I know. However...
What? Will you hold your
however till I finish the column?
I think I can bat it out
if I get a roll on it, okay?
Oscar.
What?
Oscar!
Felix!
Remember last week's poker game?
You might find a scorpion
in your wheat germ.
Remember how
despondent Murray was
because he'd had
a fight with his wife?
He didn't touch his knockwurst.
Look at this... the soap opera
about Murray and his knockwurst.
I got a column I
got to get out here!
They broke up.
Murray and Mimi split?
He left home this morning.
Oh, that is too bad.
You know what? We'll
take him out to dinner.
We'll cheer him up as soon
as I finish the column, okay?
But let me get it out.
Look at what I just wrote.
"Felix is staring."
What is it?
One more thing about Murray.
MURRAY: Hi, Oscar.
Can I borrow your toothpaste?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
No, he wants to be with
his friends at a time like this.
Oscar, have you
forgotten what it's like
when your marriage went bye-bye?
The best part of my
marriage was the bye-bye.
Murray, please,
you're welcome to stay.
I'm sorry you have
problems and everything,
but just excuse me
for a little while, okay?
I'll make the bed, Murray.
What bed? It's 3:00
in the afternoon.
FELIX: Murray's on the
midnight to 8:00 a.m. shift.
It's my bedtime. Yeah,
but this isn't your bed place.
Felix, I got to work out here.
Let him sleep in my room.
He's been punished enough!
You go work in your room.
You know I always fall asleep
at my typewriter when I do that.
This is an emergency.
His wife kicked him out.
She thinks he's carrying
on with another woman.
Can you imagine?
You with another woman?
Of course not!
Well, why didn't you
straighten her out, then?
Because I am involved,
but not the way Mimi thinks.
You see, I got assigned
to protect a public figure.
And out of gratitude,
she gave me her picture.
"To my favorite fuzz.
"Love, Chi-Chi Rita Caballero,
Captain of the
Jersey City Jammers."
Your wife thinks you're involved
with a roller-skating queen?
She found skates under my bed.
Well, couldn't you
prove they were yours?
How? Chi-Chi and I
wear the same size.
Mimi said it was
either Chi-Chi or her.
And I couldn't let
her dictate to me.
Not when it comes
to police work.
I just couldn't... (sniffling)
Aw, Murray, you
did the right thing.
We... We all understand that.
(typewriter clacking)
Murray, look. Look
what I've got you.
I got a nice pillow
for you, you see?
It's fluffy, and this isn't
filled with down plucked
from the body of
some murdered duck.
This is foam rubber.
It will allow for the
indentation of your head
and nose and other
parts of your face.
It's nice.
See? OSCAR: Okay.
What's the matter?
Something wrong?
Well, evidently I'm out of step.
It's 3:00 o'clock
in the afternoon.
I'm not wearing my jammies.
I'm going to take my typewriter,
I'm going to put it on
a murdered duck pillow
and finish my column.
Felix, maybe I better
go live somewhere else.
There's a nice little
hotel by the river.
No. No river.
Now, Oscar's just as glad
as I am to have you here.
He just expresses himself badly.
Felix, I miss Mimi so much.
(sniffling)
Aw, come on... you big lug.
Let's see that
brave Murray smile.
Come on.
Well, we'll work on it. Come on.
Did you ask Murray how
long he's going to stay?
Indefinitely, or until Mimi
comes to her senses.
I'm going to call her. No!
I haven't had a decent
night's sleep in a week.
He's driving me nuts.
I don't know why.
I do all the work.
(sighs)
Felix, I've been
here a whole week,
and this is the
best breakfast ever.
It's only been a week?
Breakfast, 11:30 at night.
Aw, gee, it's really
nice of you fellas.
It's almost like having
breakfast with Mimi.
Breakfast was our favorite meal.
(crying)
Come on, hold on, hold on.
You're doing so beautifully.
All right, Oscar, give him a
question from the sergeant's quiz.
I want to go to bed!
It's... (groans) Come on.
"How close is a car allowed
to park near a fire hydrant?"
Gee, that's a toughie.
Mimi and I didn't
get that far yet.
How long you been working on it?
Well, next month makes 11 years.
That's it.
All that time, Mimi
and me studied...
From arson to zip guns.
(sobbing): It was wonderful!
Steady, man, steady, come on.
Don't look back.
You got to face the future
with confidence. Come on.
(sighs) Off to work we go.
Here we go, Officer Greshler.
Our guardian,
protector of the city.
There we are.
Doesn't he look nice?
A real policeman.
(sighs)
Your hat fits like a glove.
Doesn't he look nice, Oscar?
Take off.
Thanks, Felix.
Right now...
Chi-Chi's waiting for
me to escort her safely
from the roller rink.
As a duly authorized
officer of the law,
I must not shirk
my responsibilities.
I bid you good day, gentlemen.
Hey, Columbo.
You forgot something.
Just like Mimi used to...
Gee, it's so nice and shiny.
I cleaned the gun and
changed the bullets.
Thanks, Felix.
I'll see you later.
Keep smiling!
(whimpers)
(door closes)
There goes one of
New York's finest.
Yeah, if you like
blubber in blue.
I'm telling you
something, Felix...
He goes out!
Oh, come on... That's it!
Oh, Oscar, have a heart.
And I'm going to bed.
Oscar, how can you desert
Murray in his hour of need?
His hour of need always
comes in the middle of the night.
But if... if we throw him out
right after his wife
has thrown him out,
he'll be horribly humiliated.
Murray likes to be
humiliated. Oh...
That's why he became
a cop. Oh, Oscar.
Felix, another week
of midnight breakfasts,
you on suicide patrol,
I'll be making ashtrays
under medical supervision.
Now, this apartment
was not meant for three.
This apartment was
not meant for two,
but that's already a
whole different story.
Oh, boy, are you abusive
when you're sleepy.
What am I supposed to do?
All day, I have to tiptoe around
because Murray is sleeping.
At night, I can't sleep
because Murray's awake.
It's like living with an owl.
You just took your socks off.
What are you doing?
Putting on a fresh
pair for tomorrow.
And you... you're always there making
lunch for him, 4:00 in the morning.
You think I like to get up at 4:00
in the morning and make lunch?
He was so appreciative
the first time I did it, poor guy,
I just don't have
the heart to stop.
Yeah, but Felix, how long
is it going to go on? (sighs)
I never know what
time of the day it is.
I went out to cover a hockey
game at 9:00 in the morning.
Even the puck was asleep.
Oh, I'm sick and tired
of watching Captain
Kangaroo and then going to bed.
OSCAR: Slow down.
FELIX: It's good
for you. I hate it.
Then why did you
get up this morning?
Who got up?
With Murray and his
cockamamie hours, who sleeps?
His schedule's no
worse than a doctor's.
Throw him out and find a doctor
who's having trouble at home.
At least he'll be there
to make house calls.
I don't know, Felix.
I just don't think I
got artistic ability.
Oh, come on now.
That's defeatist
talk again, Murray.
And from a constable.
Let me see what you've got here.
That's a banana.
Now, that would
say, "I am a banana"
to anyone who looked at it.
♪ The sun in the morning and the
moon at night... ♪ Oscar! Murray...
Hi, Murray. MURRAY: Hi.
Show Oscar what you
drew. It's your nose.
It's a banana.
Same difference.
Go wash your hands.
Why? 'Cause they're yellow.
Go wash your
hands. No, they're not.
Will you go wash your hands?
I want to talk to Felix
behind your back.
You want me to leave
the room. Yes, Van Gogh.
Would you paint another
banana or an apple
or your chin or something?
You don't mind, do you?
Of course not. Who am I to mind?
What? What, what?
I went to see Mimi, and I
convinced her to come here.
She'll be here any minute.
Will she take him back?
I don't know, she
didn't say for sure,
but I think the
minute she sees him,
everything's going
to fall into place.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let's pray!
Yeah, and I got really
good news. What?
Who do you think gave me these?
Two tiny winos?
Two Swedish stewardesses.
Remember?
Yes! I made a date with
them for Saturday night.
Now you know why Murray
has to go back with Mimi.
And... let's face it...
Murray should be
back with Mimi, right?
Absolutely.
Let me handle this.
Murray!
What are you going to do?
Let me handle this.
Murray, come here.
I want to talk to you.
Yeah, what?
Sit down, Murray.
Over there?
Yes, right there.
Murray... marriage...
marriage... is a
beautiful thing.
It is the union...
of two people...
Tell him, not me.
Based on devotion
and understanding.
It's a union in which
each member...
cares more for the
welfare of the other...
than he cares for himself.
Such a union, Murray, is strong.
Yeah, like the Teamsters.
What God hath joined together,
let no man tear asunder.
Amen. Amen.
Murray, you and
Mimi, after 18 years...
you got too much going
for you to just throw it away.
(doorbell buzzes)
Murray, Mimi is right
outside that door.
MURRAY: What?! Who?!
Hi, Mimi. (door shuts)
Hello, Murray.
It's nice to see you.
It's nice to see you, too, Mimi.
Isn't this nice?
Nice? It's beautiful.
It's just beautiful.
Murray, I have something to say.
She's got something to say.
Listen very carefully,
huh? What is it?
Murray, I want you to come home.
Aw... You mean it?
Does she mean it? Don't you
hear the pitter-patter FELIX: Oh...
of her heart? Of course she
means it. Oh, you'll be happy. Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait!
This is a joyous occasion!
Let's revel in the moment!
But I think they'd rather
revel by themselves. Go...
No, no, this calls
for a celebration!
Mimi, Murray, oh, you two
wonderful, beautiful people.
Mimi, Murray... oh!
Believe me, I know
what's in your hearts.
Oh, Mimi, you're such
a wonderful person!
I have a feeling that
everything... Mimi?
I know that I can
count on you...
to make yourself
into the kind of wife...
that Murray needs.
Well... I know that...
you will not make the
same mistakes again.
Felix!
What do you mean?
Sit down. Mimi...
Sweetheart...
if you can't recognize
a few problems...
if you're not willing to make
a few changes in yourself...
then you're doomed to failure.
I'll handle this, Murray.
Mimi, this man came to us
a pathetic, broken toy.
Somebody... had
broken his spirit.
He had no pride.
He had no confidence.
He had no personality.
That's what you left
me to work with, Mimi.
Look at him now.
Hmm? After one
week, he has poise.
He has confidence.
He can draw a banana.
I'll handle this.
Mimi... Don't just
sit there, Murray.
Take out your gun and shoot him.
Your function now must be
to build him up, to
increase his self-respect.
Mimi, darling, this is crucial!
You've got to do better.
Murray, say something!
Mimi, how come you
never got up at 4:00 a.m.
and made my lunch
like Felix does?
Because I'm not a
compulsive neurotic
like Felix.
I don't have to sit in my
own home and listen to this.
Come on, Murray, let's go.
I'm not going, Mimi.
What? I'm understood here.
I belong here.
Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to my room.
Good-bye, Oscar.
Tell Murray when he wants
to come home to let me know.
Nice seeing you, Mimi.
Good-bye, Dear Abby.
(whistling)
Who would have believed
the repressed
hostility in that woman?
(handcuffs locking)
What are you doing?
Saving your life!
It's 4:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here?
What do you think I'm
doing at 4:00 in the morning?
I'm making Murray's lunch.
Second question: why
are you still living here?
You think that's witty, Oscar?
At 4:00 in the morning you're
going to have to settle for surly.
Nobody said you had to
get up at 4:00 in the morning!
How could I sleep with
Murray singing in the bathroom?
Murray singing?
19 choruses of "I Feel Pretty."
But you see, that's wonderful.
He's expressing his
independence, his manhood.
Now, I'll help him with that.
Felix, don't you understand?
You're creating a
monster. Nosenstein!
Oh, boys!
Well, at least somebody
is cheery this morning.
You know, I sing
all the time now.
These last couple days have
made a new man out of me.
I still don't even think
about going back to Mimi.
I do.
Oh, Felix, I won't have
time to eat my lunch.
Just put it in a bag, will you?
Beef stroganoff in a bag?
Oh. Well, I'll just
pick up a hot dog
on the way; don't worry.
Oscar?
What? Got mushrooms in it?
Yeah. Oh.
Hey, you know something?
This apartment is just too small
for three swinging bachelors.
I think I'm going to
start looking around
for a bigger place.
Hey, rest up, you guys.
Tonight is Saturday night,
and I know you got
something wild planned for us.
(laughs)
Look out, world!
Murray Greshler's
coming through!
And nothing can stop me now!
Ciao!
I know.
I've got to destroy Nosenstein.
Okay, yeah, see you later.
Yeah, bye-bye.
I don't believe I just
postponed a date
with two long, lean Swedish legs
for one big, fat cop.
I just hope this works.
It will.
Do you think we can fool him?
Are you kidding?
Anything fools Murray.
Last year, five criminals
got away from him
by yelling, "Hey,
your shoe's untied!"
Hey! Hi, guys.
FELIX: Hey, Murray,
your shoe's untied.
It's gonna work.
Hey, we got something
big in the works?
Yeah, come on. Sit down.
Play Parcheesi with
us. You can have brown.
Yeah, grab a chair,
we'll have cocoa soon.
Cocoa? Yeah.
I put a sprig of
cinnamon in it for tang.
It keeps your
anxiety in abeyance.
(chuckles)
Hey! Boxcars!
What am I? Where am I?
Blue, blue, blue.
Come on, bones, do your stuff.
Five, six, seven,
eight... Hey, Oscar, Felix.
This is Saturday night.
Were supposed to have dates!
You know, kicks, fun.
Oh, fun.
He wonders why
we're not having fun.
You're looking at a
very depressed man.
He usually...
He puts up a good front, but...
I don't know, something
happens to a man
when he hasn't had
a date in six months.
Ah, girls who go out
with divorced men,
they don't want a
meaningful relationship.
(moans) They're only
out for what they can get.
Six months... but
you go out, Oscar.
I've always seen you
with great knockouts. Ah!
Ah, but where are
they now, Murr?
Face it: the swinging
single life is a fake.
Come on, grab a chair.
Join the game.
Later we're going to
make tiny fudge balls.
The winner gets
to lick the spoon.
Guys, I don't want to
interrupt your game.
I think I'll just go out and...
maybe walk my old beat.
Well, if you come
in after 10:00,
try to hold it down, will
you? We'll be sleeping.
Ciao.
Nine. (door closes)
The girls are waiting.
Let's get dressed!
(siren blares)
Come on, Felix. We
won't wait for a cab.
We'll run across town.
Oscar, Felix.
Nobody should be
alone on Saturday night.
Were you guys going somewhere?
No, no. No, no, I just...
we were going down
to the laundry room.
Hey! Guess what old
Murr has done for you boys.
What? You didn't have dates.
I got you dates!
(laughs)
Hold it, girls.
Gentlemen, may I present
the captain of the
Jersey City Jammers,
Miss Chi-Chi
Caballero! Hi, boys.
Boom-Boom O'Brian
and Lulu LaVerne!
Nice to meet you!
FELIX: Likewise, I'm sure.
Hey, they had a good
hour between games,
so I thought maybe
we'll have a little fun.
What are we going to do?
Well, we could ask
them to fix our car.
(girls talking at once)
Hey, who wants to butt heads?
No, let's not.
I've got a headache.
Let's arm wrestle.
Look, we got a problem here.
Even if we wanted to
go out with these girls,
which we don't, we
can't, we have a date.
Remember? Yeah, so I know what.
What? You tell them.
Hey, Felix, honey,
you got anything
to wet my whistle?
I'm as dry as a rusty nail.
Oh, hey! Hey, beer!
Huh! Whoo!
(laughs): Old faithful, thanks.
She seems to be
your kind of person.
So she has one good habit.
Felix, we got problems.
Look, we have a date
with the girls, right?
Here's what we'll do:
we take these girls out.
Now, when they have
to go to work, we'll split,
then we'll pick up the other
girls, okay? Good, good, good.
One thing. What?
I'm not taking the plain one.
The plain one?
Which one is the plain one?
Murray's the
prettiest one out there.
Are you ready to go,
Miss Boom-Boom?
No, honey, you got it wrong.
I'm Lulu, she's Boom-Boom,
and that's Chi-Chi.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Hey! Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Put it together, it
sounds like a rhythm!
(chanting): Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Come on! Come on, Oscar.
Head for the rink, girls!
We'll cream those
bums from Boston!
Come on, Oscar.
Let's not use our right
names, okay, Howard?
But, Oscar, it's wrong!
It's wrong! Cut it out.
Do you know what you just did?
You ditched Lulu,
Boom-Boom and Chi-Chi
on a New York
City street after dark.
Yeah, well, if we're lucky,
they won't hurt anybody.
What a night!
And we lost those
two Swedish long legs.
Hey, wasn't that exciting?
Did you see the way Chi-Chi
bashed that old skater
into the front wall?
Whoom (chuckles)!
That was in the
restaurant after the match.
Oh, it was one
heck of an evening.
A wild, swinging night
on the town! Wow!
(chanting): Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
Lulu, Boom-Boom,
Chi-Chi, dum-dum.
How about that guy?
He's got a date
with Godzilla's niece,
a riot at the roller
rink, and he thinks
he had a good time. Exactly.
He thinks he had a good time.
Didn't he? Oh, of course not.
It is so obvious.
That man is deluding him...
Wait. I'm going to
prove something to you.
What are you going to
do? Just wait, just wait.
Murray! Murray! Yo!
Come here, Murray,
I want to talk to you.
Yeah? Sit down, Murray.
Here? Yes.
Can I sit down over here?
Yeah, of course.
Murray.
I was watching you tonight.
You're a very unhappy man.
I am?
You know how
you're fooling yourself?
I've known you a
good long time, Murray.
Your place is with Mimi.
Remember the
words of Shakespeare.
"This above all: to
thine own self be true."
Hamlet, Act One,
Polonius to his son, Laertes.
You're right, Felix.
You're absolutely right.
I'm going to start packing.
Felix, that was
wonderful, a miracle.
How'd you do it?
I am able to communicate
my thoughts to others.
Oh! I have that gift.
I've had it all my life.
Really. Now, you see,
if I hadn't told him that,
he would have continued to
delude himself. (door buzzes)
He would have gone on
believing he was happy.
He would never have
realized and recognized
he belongs with Mimi.
Hi. Mimi, what are
you doing here?
Murray called me
from some restaurant.
He said deep down
he really wasn't having
a very good time being
a swinging bachelor.
I should come pick him up.
He's packing, go in
and help him, darling.
Murray!
Erase all that, erase
what you said before.
I guessed... Uh-huh.
That that's what he had done.
I did!
But I didn't have the courage
to say what I had guessed.
You see, my problem is...
I lack confidence.
Felix, aren't you deluding
yourself when you say,
"I think I enjoy
living with Oscar"?
Remember Macbeth,
Act Two, Scene One,
Macduff to Macbeth?
Those immortal words,
"Why don't you move out?"