The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 22 - Take My Furniture, Please - full transcript

We've got to finish this
before Oscar comes back.

Want some more
Chinese food, Felix?

No, thank you, Murray.

Miriam, how about an egg
roll or some fried noodles?

No, thank you, Murray.

There.

Look at that.

We did it.

Looks great, huh?

Hmm. Yeah.

Better check to see if
Oscar's coming. Right.



What do you think,
Murray, what do you think?

I may be crazy,
but I think it's swell.

Oh, I think I see... Yes,
he's getting out of a taxi.

Let's get all this
junk into the kitchen.

Easy does it. Easy.

What do you want me to do?

Check for hairs.

What kind... What kind of hairs?

Brush hairs.

Where? Everywhere.

Hair, hair, hair...
everywhere, hair...

I'll get that, yeah. Hair,
there, there, everywhere.

Hair, hair... Murray,
stand over there.

I'm just dying to see his face.



Shh, shh, shh.

What is it?

Hair.

Hi, Oscar. Hi,
Oscar. Hey, Oscar.

Hey, look at that.

I didn't know you wore glasses.

You look cute.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm so sorry he
didn't notice your walls.

He was distracted
by your glasses.

It's all right. He's tired.

He'll see it later.

Thanks a lot you guys.

I never could have
done it without you two.

We broke a world's record.

We'll see you
tomorrow. Terrific.

Hey, listen, let me
know if he finds any hairs.

Oh, Felix, wait till you hear
the great idea I got tonight.

I'm going to make a fortune.

Notice anything different?

Yeah. Murray and
Miriam are gone.

Anyway, listen, at
tonight's game a ball

bounced off Harry Benson's head
and went into the wrong basket.

It was funny, but it
was also embarrassing.

I'm going to collect
all these anecdotes...

Put in a book called The Most
Embarrassing Moment in Sports.

No one's ever thought of it
before. I'll make a fortune.

I'll give you a hint.

He wasn't listening.

There's something
different in this room.

It smells different.

That's very good. Very good.

What does it smell like?

Chinese turpentine.

Yes, yes.

Do you see anything different?

Yeah, there's a little
brown tear in your left eye.

It's not brown.

What is it?

Look around you.

I painted the whole room.

Oh, yeah.

It's flaming peach.

What color was it before?

Spanish mildew.

I liked it.

But you like this a
lot better, don't you?

It's nice.

So you agree... we
need all new furniture.

What?

I did a job today
for a furniture maker.

He's going to give
me anything I... No!

How can you say
"no" just like that? "No!"

Because I'm happy
with the furniture I've got,

I don't want to be bothered.

I don't have any
money for furniture.

This junk doesn't match.

You're not going
to be bothered at all

and it's not going to
cost you a red penny.

I've got a plan.

I don't have time
for your plans.

I want to finish the book
while I'm hot, buddy.

Part of my plan is to
keep you out of the plan.

I'm going to do everything,

so you'll have time
to finish your book.

Trust me.

I don't know...
Look, look, look.

When Blanche and you split up,

what was the one thing
she didn't fight you for?

Aw... The furniture, right?

You won't bother me?

I painted this whole room
without bothering you.

It won't cost me a cent?

I'm going to sell the
old furniture to buy new.

You won't touch
anything in my room?

Have I ever?

You won't be sor... Ah!

It's getting nippy out there.

What did you have to go out for?

I wanted to get the early
edition of tomorrow's paper.

Our ad's in it.

Our ad?

To sell this furniture.

Here it is... Hot
off the presses.

Boy, we're going to have
a crowd here tomorrow.

Better check on my brownies.

(doorbell buzzing) I'm
making brownies for the sale.

It's after 12:00.

Yes, may I help you?

We're here for the rummage sale.

No, that's tomorrow.

Tomorrow, today. It's
in the paper already.

Yeah, we get the early
edition as soon as it comes out

so we get first
crack at everything.

That's how I got my
dog. If you're not first

in New York, you're last.

Hi, Mister.

Felix... Let me handle it.

Ladies, my friend here has
a great deal of work to do,

so the sale starts tomorrow.

It's already tomorrow...
It's past midnight.

Oh please, Mister, I came
all the way from Larchmont.

I need an end table badly.

Excuse me.

Felix, why didn't you tell
me this was going to happen?

I promised I wasn't
going to bother you.

Well, you broke your promise.

All right, the lady came
all the way from Larchmont.

What am I going to do?

Pretend we're not here.

Go back to work. You
won't know we're here.

Let me hear the clatter of...

WOMAN: Oh, look
at that... (both arguing)

Wait a minute. I saw it first.

Get these women out
of here. How can I now?

Yesterday, you got
the one... It's my pillow!

Well, tell 'em the store's
closed, you gotta take inventory.

I don't care what you tell 'em.

Ladies, the store is closed.

We've got to take inventory.

How much are the
pillows? I'll take all five.

They're five for $25.

I'll give you $15 for any
three, including this one.

You can have any three...

you can have anything
you want tomorrow.

The sale is tomorrow.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Last one
out is a rotten egg.

I'll be here first
thing in the morning.

Come on, ladies. Here we go.

I got cash. Don't take a check.

I got cash... The
sale is tomorrow.

I'm looking for a desk.

You got a desk.

Great.

How much... how much is it?

Too much. You can't afford it.

The sale is tomorrow. $50.

FELIX: Impossible.

My friend is writing a
very important... $75.

Out of the question,
Mister, I'm sorry... $100.

It's yours.

Can you move?

Move? What're you doing?

He's giving us
twice what it's worth.

This is a classic piece, Mister.

Give me a hand and
get this downstairs

and I'll give each
one of you a buck.

That's the deal.

Meantime, you can use
the bridge table to work.

Bridge table?

I can use... I'll
give you $15.00.

It's yours.

Boy, did we take him.

Oscar.

Yeah.

Breakfast.

Forget breakfast, will you?

I'll grab an egg at the corner.

No one in this house
eats at a greasy spoon.

I made your favorite,
eggs and waffles.

There you are.

See? It's like
camping out, isn't it?

There you go.

It's nice and airy
in here, isn't it?

No wonder you're
so bubbly and happy.

The place is finally
neat enough for you.

I just gave them
a coat of shellac.

Don't sit on the steps.

How am I supposed to eat?

What do you do
at a cocktail party?

Juggle it.

Mm, this is good.

Here, hold on for
a second, will you?

How am I supposed to eat?

Like you do at a cocktail party.

Juggle it.

Felix, this is ridiculous.

Come on. We gotta
get some furniture.

Something we can sit on here.

I promise you by tonight
we'll have something to sit on.

Oh, this is silly. I
can't eat like that.

Here, come on, come on.

Put it on top of my food.
What are you doing?

I'm going to work.
Don't step on the steps.

Interview with Bubba
Smith of the Baltimore Colts

for The Most
Embarrassing Moment book.

I've only got ten minutes.

I've got to do a candy
commercial with my mother.

Myrna, I want
you to wait outside.

I don't want anybody to
come in here for ten minutes.

Hold that line, right?

Okay, Bubba, now, what was
your most embarrassing moment?

When my parents named me Bubba.

No.

What was your most embarrassing
moment in your football career?

Come on, Oscar, you
know I can't tell you that.

Sure you can.

That's what the book is about.

It's a lot of funny stories.

Okay. I've got a
great one. Let's hear it.

This is gonna kill you.

Hello. Anybody home?

What happened to Myrna?

She's outside making
sure nobody comes in.

This'll just take a second.

Hi. I'm Felix Unger.

This is Bubba Smith, a
football player who's in a hurry.

Yes.

Hello, Mr. Smith.

Just call me Bubba.

Bubba... Booby.

This will just take a minute.

I got some marvelous
swatches for our drapes

and I wanted your approval.

I don't have time now, Felix.

Tell me, do you like these?

Yes, I've tackled
that color before.

Felix, will you...?

Is this the color
of your drapes?

No, no, this is the one I'm
going to use for my drapes.

I think this will go
with my walls better.

What color are your walls?

Flaming peach. Very good.

That'll go perfect with
your walls. Yeah, I think so.

FELIX: Tell me,

what do you think of this?

Ah, that will go
great in your kitchen.

Do you have a
formal dining area?

No, no I don't. Do you?

Yeah.

I just did mine in blue
and white, trimmed in gold.

Looks great and
the chicks love it.

Ah.

Tell me, what-what
period is your apartment?

French Provincial.

Oh, you see, ours
is contemporary.

Gee, fellows, I kinda
hate to break it up,

but Bubba's in a
hurry... will you?

I'm sorry. He's giving
me so much help.

Hey, I've really gotta
go, Oscar. Really.

But I do want to say you gotta
a hip interior decorator here.

All right. Nice to meet you.

Right.

So long, Bubba.

Nice little guy.

I'm sorry I busted in like that,

but I didn't want to do
anything without your approval.

I'm glad you like this
'cause this is what I put up.

What are you so mad about?

You wanna know
what I'm mad about?

Come, listen to my
interview for the book. Here.

FELIX: What do
you think of this?

SMITH: Ah, that will
go great in your kitchen.

Do you have a
formal dining area?

FELIX: Do you?

SMITH: Yeah, I just did mine in
blue and white, trimmed in gold.

I've got a nice
voice, haven't I?

Can I look now?

No, no, no, no.

Down two steps. Two steps.

Felix, I feel like I'm
being kidnapped.

You know I hate surprises.

Yeah, but you're
going to love this one.

Oscar Madison, you
wanted something to sit in...

Here you are!

What is it?

Well, what does it look like?

It looks like Bubba
Smith's hand.

I want you to
tell me what it is.

It's a chair... in the
shape of a hand.

A left hand, to be exact.

And this, I suppose,
is the right hand.

(laughing)

Aren't they super?

No. I send you
out for some chairs.

You come back with
a couple of hands.

But they're... they're
just like ordinary chairs.

Sit down.

But they're hands.

I feel like an M&M.

Aren't you comfortable? No.

Try this chair.

I can sit anywhere.

I'm ambidextrous.

Oscar, these are going
to be the rage of the future.

And you can't believe
what I paid for them.

40 cents?

Stop kidding.

$200.

$200?

$200! Felix,
that's $20 a finger!

Are you crazy?

These are thousand dollar hands!

Where's the rest of the stuff?

Well, look! Look at
our lovely new drapes.

Well, thank goodness for that.

Now all these
people can't look in

and see we're sitting in hands.

Oscar, when you
decorate an apartment,

you're creating a
new environment.

You don't just
throw everything in.

You buy one piece at a time.

We'll live with the
chairs a couple of days,

then we'll say to a chair,

"What would you
like around you?"

And it'll say "gloves."

You don't like them
'cause you don't see

what's going to be around them.

Felix, I see nothing
around them!

Yes, but there's going
to be something here,

there's going to
be something there,

there's going to be something...

Whoa, whoa. Over there.

I want you to say
something about over there.

Nothing. That's the
contemporary style.

Nothing here.

Simple, uncluttered space.

You want space, move to Utah!

I want clutter,
and I want it soon!

Listen, when he asks
you what you want,

you tell him you want a
table for you and your brother,

and a desk for your Uncle Oscar.

And, if you don't get it,

there's gonna be
plenty empty space

where he used to live!

Don't be upset.

Miriam, the furniture
arrived early this morning.

Oscar doesn't know it's here.

Yes. He'll love it.
He'll love it. Felix!

I'll call you back in
a little while, honey.

I had a bad dream!

I dreamt I sat in the
hand, and it made a fist.

It's breeding!

Felix, what is this? I'm
still having a nightmare.

Come on, what is this?

This is the stuff you
asked for yesterday.

Your new table, your
new desk, your new lamp.

Isn't it all neat?

Have your orange juice.

It's on the breakfast table.

That's a breakfast table?

Of course.

Not "of course."

It was my fourth choice.

Come on. Meet
your new roommates.

Oscar, this is your new chair.

This is my chair?

Yes. Got it just for you.

See? It's shaped
like a potato chip.

Isn't this an inventive tree?

It's a conversation
piece. (clanging)

Tell it to shut up.

Look.

That's my desk?

Yeah. Just for you.

What am I, David Copperfield?

Sit down.

Felix, what is this?

I'm a writer, not
a diamond cutter.

I can't work here.

Oscar, learn to
accept new ideas.

Open your mind.

Where is it written that a desk

must be an enormous
wooden object with drawers?

Give these things a chance.

You'll love them.

I don't have time to argue.

I gotta get some work
done. What time is it?

I'm glad you asked me that.

Let's go take a
look at the clock.

That's a clock?

What else?

Could be a bunch
of Peeping Toms.

What time does it say?

9:35, of course.

How can you tell?

It's easy. Hours on this
side, minutes on this side.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine.

10, 20, 30.

The red dot is five.

9:35.

9:36.

By the time you figure it
out, you're late for work.

(doorbell buzzes)

Hi, Mr. Unger. Hi,
Mr. Madison. Myrna.

Are those copies
of the interviews?

Yeah, I...

I got some more funny
stories for you to type up.

Look. What do you think?

Is this what they
mean by "future shock"?

(laughing)

Sit down, sit down.

Can I sit in it? Of course.

OSCAR: You can take
it home if you want to.

Now we'll get an
objective opinion.

How do you feel?

I... I sort of feel like
I'm insured by Allstate.

Okay, the tour is over.

The owner of this
museum has to go to work

to pay for all this. Good-bye.

Okay. It's really
cute, Mr. Unger.

Oh, look at the
time. I gotta run. Bye.

♪ ♪

Look at this.

I got a singing tree
and a dancing table.

Oh, that's it. Felix! What?

Felix, out here,
please. What is it?

That's it. Come here!

Come on. Sit down,
Felix. What's wrong?

Just sit down. Not there.

Sit in the chip.

All right, Felix, your
decorating days are over.

I send you out for furniture,
what do you come back with?

Two hands. Right?

A... a Nobel Prize clock!

A kindergarten
chair! A laser beam!

A chrome bush!

You gotta... you gotta
understand these things.

Give them time.

I've given them time...

Three red dots
and two white ones.

This is my apartment.

We're going to do this my way.

See, I'm going to
trade all this stuff in

for couches with arms, see?

I'm going to have
a chair with a back,

a lamp with a bulb!
The only hands

in this apartment
will be on my clock.

Okay, Oscar, about
three inches toward me.

Ah! Now about
one inch toward you.

Ah, ah, ah!

Now, just a pinch towards me.

Ah, ah! Oh, will you stop
that "ahs" and the pinches?!

It's fine just the way it is.

Oscar, you've got
some lovely pieces here.

Where did you get them?

From Sam, Sam, the discount man.

I know him.

I arrested him once.

How about it?

It took Felix a week
to decorate this place.

I did it like that. Looks
pretty good, doesn't it?

Oh, it's groovy!

Oh, Oscar. What?

You're gonna have to
rearrange these chairs.

I mean, you got the
two purple together,

two green together.
It's not right.

You gotta make it
boy, girl, boy, girl.

Give me a hand. Move that chair.

Here, move that chair
over like that. That's it.

Now, bring it around
here. Here. Let me...

Put it there. There.

(yelling)

(whistle blowing)

(typewriter keys clacking)

It's a chicken.

It's a jigsaw puzzle.

"Just hello.

"I'd like to be with you a while

"and hear about the folks,

"I'd like to sit
and see you smile

"at the same old jokes,

"but since you are so far away

"I cannot hope to go,

"I'll send along
this little token

just to say 'Hello'."

(typewriter keys clacking)

(whimpers)

I'm sorry.

(doorbell buzzes)

Who is it?

Miriam.

Oh, what is it, dear?

Oh, I just came down to say hi.

May I come in?

No. I-I can't say
"hi" now. I'm...

Well, why? Is something wrong?

I'm photo... I'm
developing some film.

I'll come up to your place later

and say "hi," okay?

Okay.

Why didn't you let her in?

Because I'm ashamed!

Anywhere I look, something
offends my senses!

Oscar, it looks as though you...

you got this whole place
free with a full tank of gas!

All right, so it's a
little wild. A little wild?

Well, it's my apartment!

It's not your apartment!
It's our apartment!

But you've been throwing
your weight around

as though I didn't even exist!

Well, all right, you didn't
like the way I decorated it,

but at least I tried. I
made an effort. I cared.

This looks as though you
threw it together in an hour!

20 minutes.

20 minutes.

Yep.

Well, Oscar, I'm sure
you've heard the expression

in your life, at
some time or other,

"The straw that broke
the camel's back."

You've tried many ways
to get me out of here.

You've tried tricks,
you've tried anger,

you've even tried
physical expulsion.

You finally succeeded with
the old standby... bad taste.

Ratso Rizzo had
a cuter apartment.

Look, Felix, I'm willing
to admit that I went too far

if you're willing to admit
that you went too far.

Maybe I did... I...
All I can say, Oscar,

is you and I have
different tastes.

I like caviar, you like tuna.

I like champagne, you like beer.

I like beef bourguignon,
you like beef jerky.

What are you trying to say?

The stores are
open till 9:00 tonight.

Let's compromise.

Let's go out and get
something we both can live with!

Okay. Felix?

What are we going
to do with this stuff?

Sell it to a fortune-teller.

FELIX: This
furniture is perfect,

but we've got to get
it in the right position.

Come on. Bring it towards me.

An inch, an inch, an inch.

No. A little bit more.
A little bit more.

Little bit more to your side.
Little bit more to your side.

Little bit more on your
side, Oscar. Little bit more.

Bring it down. Bring it
down. Down towards me.

Of, wait a minute here!

We've been moving
this thing for two hours.

We're wearing out the rug.

Just give it a little bit more.

We're nearly there. That's it.

Don't hurt yourself!

You'll help me. Myrna, come on.

Pull back a little
bit on your side.

Come on. Here we
go. One, two, three.

Come on. Here we go, Myrna.

Give it the old try,
Myrna. What do you say?

Here we go! Here we go, Myrna!

Murray, will you help me?

You get down there and
help me with this, please?

Murray?

Miriam, you'll help me. Come
on. Here we go. One, two...

Come on, Miriam. Come on.

I'll do it myself.

You know something?

I like it.