The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Odyssey Couple - full transcript
Oscar's mother wants to meet the girlfriend that Oscar told her about in a lie.
Come on, Ma, in
between your world tours,
we see each other
once in a while.
Let's have some
fun. You're right.
But you're really
looking for a girl?
Yes, Mom.
And you really want
to get married again? Yes, Ma.
And you have nothing
against grandchildren?
No, Ma... Ma, you
started this discussion
on the courthouse steps
the day I got my divorce.
Will you drop the subject?
All right, the subject
is closed. Good.
More coffee?
Did you ask him if he
found a nice girl yet?
The subject is open.
We were just talking about that.
Mrs. Madison, I'm the
last guy in the world to nag
or meddle in somebody
else's business,
believe me I'm not that kind.
But it breaks my heart to
know that this wonderful
son of yours
doesn't have a nice
steady girlfriend.
Well, he says he goes out.
Doesn't he date nice girls?
The nicest girl he ever
brought up here stole my watch.
Oscar... I, on the other hand,
date a very lovely girl,
lives right in this
building, Miriam.
Miriam Welby.
She holds down a very
responsible position.
I see my ex-wife
from time to time.
Our relationship is amicable.
I wish it were more than that.
I have a full, satisfying life.
Me, too.
You, too, what?
Me, too. On the other hand,
I met a very nice
girl I've been seeing.
I don't tell you
everything. When? Who?
What? Well, you don't know her,
that's who. Why
didn't you tell us?
That's wonderful. When
are we going to meet her?
Well, I don't know,
Ma. Saturday night.
Saturday, all four of us
will go out. Let's do that.
Let's do that.
Come on, call her.
Call her. Call her.
Call her, Chickie.
Chickie...! Chickie...!
Call her.
Make your mother happy.
Call her. Call her, Chickie.
Oh...
Hello, honey? Oscar.
Listen, I was wondering
if you were busy
Saturday night. Son-of-a-gun.
Yeah. Well... Ma.
He'll never talk to
girls in front of me.
I'll go freshen up.
Oh, isn't it wonderful, Feelie?
Well, my mother's in town.
Yeah, and I was wondering...
How could you have a girl
without me knowing about her?
Come on, who is it, huh?
Let me say hello.
Let me just talk to her.
Hello? This is Felix Unger.
Oscar Madison's probably
told you a million things about...
What?
The correct time is
1:13 and 20 seconds?
That is right.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Chickie, I can't wait to meet
your girlfriend Saturday night.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, Ma. I'll see you later.
I'd be good and ashamed.
Lying
to a mother who
calls you Chickie.
I lied because you
backed me into a corner.
Oh, it's my fault?
Yeah.
You're saving used coffee?
Don't help me.
My mother goes on world tours
worrying about
me in 26 countries.
Every tour guide in Asia
knows I'm not married.
She's trying to help you.
She enrolled me in a Lonely
Hearts Club in Istanbul.
Last week in the mail,
I got a sheep's head
with "I love you"
written along its neck.
So what're you gonna
tell her Saturday night
when you don't have a date?
Is that gonna make her happy?
I'll find somebody. Who? Who?
I was thinking of Mary.
Mary? With the tattoo?
You know about the tattoo?
She dresses to feature it.
How about Frida?
Oh, good.
Maybe she'll bring
my watch back.
Aw, butt out, will you?
It's all your fault.
You're the "call her,
call her, call her."
You're right.
I pushed you. I know I did.
I'm sorry. Let me
make it up to you.
You'll move out?
Let me find you a girl.
Oh, yeah... No, no.
I'll find someone your
mother'll be crazy about.
I can do it. I'm a
natural-born matchmaker.
All the great
matches I predicted:
John and Yoko, Liz and Richard.
I knew it was going to happen.
Give me a girl,
I'll give you a guy.
Jane Fonda.
Dom DeLuise.
Dom DeLuise?
Give me a hard one.
Give me a guy,
I'll give you a girl.
Oscar Madison.
Raquel Welch.
Hey, you are good at this game.
You see. I know your taste.
She may not be available.
Aw, what am I... No, wait!
I promise you I'll
have a girl here.
Well, I wonder where he can be.
Come in, come in, come in.
Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll bet he's in the
kitchen cooking dinner.
He's a wonderful cook.
He's just an all-around guy.
And his cleaning is every
bit as good as his cooking.
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!
I'm cleaning the countertop.
On my floor?
What's that terrible
odor in here?
(nasal honking) Well, you
weren't here. I was making supper.
(honking)
Shh, hold it down, not so loud.
It's not a cake I'm making.
What're you making?
It's a casserole.
We'll talk about it later.
I've got a girl here.
Oh, well, I'll get out of here.
No, no.
She's for you.
Oh, for me? Yeah.
Hey, she's a doll.
She is a lady.
Where'd you pick her up?
I didn't "pick her up" as
you so elegantly put it.
I met her. Where?
What does it matter
where I met her? I met her.
If it doesn't matter,
tell me where.
I met her at the
doctor's office.
What has she got?
Oh, come on.
If you don't want to meet her...
No, I do want to
meet her, she's cute.
I'm going to introduce you.
Now, act like a gentleman.
I will.
Here we are.
I want you to meet
one of the most
brilliant, clever, intelligent,
personable guys it's ever been
my great good fortune to know.
Hi. Want a beer?
No, thank you.
Sensational sense of humor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Doris Atkins, this
is Oscar Madison.
Hello. Nice to meet you. Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I have to
go to the movies.
Guess I'll leave you...
Where you going?
Just going to get some
fruit to take to the show.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Well, what kind
of work do you do?
Oh, I'm a music teacher.
I teach violin and piano.
Isn't that wonderful?
What do you do, Oscar?
Oh, I'm a sports writer.
Oh, that's right. Felix told me.
That... that must
be very exciting.
FELIX: It is exciting.
It's terrifically exciting.
Very exciting.
Tell him about your
music education.
Oh, he doesn't want
to hear about that.
I certainly do.
Yeah, I certainly do.
Go ahead, tell me.
I do want to hear.
Ah, well, I went
to school at, uh...
(high-pitched sneeze)
Juillard.
(nasally honk)
Uh, I studied
first violin and...
(honks nasally)
piano.
What is that sound you make?
I don't know, there must
be some dust in here.
Yeah, it's Oscar.
(chuckling)
You notice she makes
the same sound I do.
No, I didn't notice that.
Listen, have you
ever tried this stuff?
The doctor gave me this and
it's been terrifically effective.
Oh, no, I just got
this yesterday.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
It's almost the same stuff.
I have this, too.
Now, this is for stuffiness
and this is for pain.
For sneezing.
Watch out.
We seem to have a lot
in common, don't we?
Yeah.
I bet you wouldn't be interested
in seeing my vaporizer?
Yeah, I'd love to.
All right.
I think you'll
agree it's a beauty.
I just...
I was just making a
gesture of friendship,
that's all it was.
Oscar claims I brought
the girl home for myself.
Poor girl was clogged.
I had to do something.
He won't even talk to me now.
He's gone out to a singles bar.
Can you imagine that?
The thing is, I found the
perfect girl for him today.
Felix, am I the
black or the white?
You're black, Murray.
I just can't seem to get
the hang of this game.
You're doing fine.
You're doing fine.
Ah, I'm a whiz at
Casino and Go Fish.
Don't leave. You're
getting hot, Murray.
Ah, I gotta go.
I gotta find my badge.
I left it some place.
Oh, hi, Oscar.
Hi, Murray.
I found a badge in the hall.
Thanks.
Aren't you going to ask Oscar
if he found a date
for Saturday night?
Oh, yeah, how'd you do?
Did you get a girl
for Saturday night?
No, I came up empty.
I'm no good at picking
up girls anymore.
It's a whole new world.
Everybody's liberated but me.
Wouldn't it be ironic if
our friend, Mr. Madison,
came slithering back, begging
me to fix him up with a date?
I gave Mr. Unger a chance.
I ended up at the
movies with a bag of fruit.
All right, I made a mistake.
But I learned something from it.
And now, now, I've found
the perfect girl for him.
I don't want to hear about it.
But Murray does. Murray,
sit down, Murray, listen.
This afternoon, this
very afternoon, mind you,
a wonderful Greek
family came to my studio.
They wanted to have
their portraits made.
In this family, there
was a beautiful daughter.
Her name was Helen.
What's that you say?
Yes, just like Helen of Troy.
I didn't say.
A lovely, dark girl
with gleaming eyes.
Helena.
Helena.
So I told this wonderful
woman of the islands
about my roommate, Oscar.
I can still see the way her
warm, moist, eager mouth
formed his name, "Oscar."
Oscar.
They were made for each other,
and his mother
would love her, but no.
Through that door
on Saturday night
is going to walk a mother
who could be made happy
in 26 different countries
but for a selfish son.
All right, Felix,
call the girl. What?
What is that I hear?
You know what you heard.
I'm hearing a voice.
He's talking to me.
Congratulations!
You made a very wise choice.
I'll tell you something.
What?
Your mother is very lucky
that her son has
me for a friend.
Yeah, but don't make a
definite date for Saturday.
I want to meet her first.
We'll go out for
coffee... Leave it to me!
Leave everything
in my capable hands.
Well, another job well done...
by your man in blue.
Hey, this isn't my badge.
Some dumb cop lost his badge.
Don't forget, Felix...
You introduce me to her,
I take her right out for coffee.
Something like that.
Oh, no, Felix,
exactly like that.
Oscar, you just can't
grab the girl and leave.
You've got to meet
the entire Damascopolous family.
All right, I'll meet the entire
Damascopolous family
then we're out for coffee.
You've gotta talk to them.
You're going to love
sitting and talking with them.
They're Old World
people. They're charming.
They're a fun group, believe me!
You're gonna love them.
Hello, Felix.
Oh, Mr. Madison, I recognize you
from the newspapers.
Ah, welcome to my home.
Come in. Come in.
Come in. Come in.
This is the famous American
sports newspaper writer,
Oscar Madison!
How are you?
Felix, you know everybody, eh?
Kalifari filimou.
Ah, good.
Good Greek, huh?
This is my sainted mother.
How are you?
That's my father.
How do you do, sir?
He's resting.
That's my son, Andreas.
He's a sponge diver.
Sponge diver?
Well, since we
moved to New York,
he doesn't work that much,
but maybe you could help him.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Most of my friends
are in foam rubber.
No, no, no.
He's going to be a wrestler.
He's very strong.
Sit. Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, no, no, no.
One, two, three, go!
One, two, three, go!
You're very strong.
You're gonna be a
very good wrestler.
How do you turn this guy off?
(speaks Greek)
And sit down.
Enough.
And that's my jewel.
My lovely daughter Helena.
Very nice to meet you.
Go! Sit!
(snoring)
He likes you.
(snoring)
Beautiful weather
we're having, isn't it?
Ah, beautiful.
It's just like in Greece.
(snoring)
Excuse me. I show you something.
Would you like to go out
for some coffee? What out?
We have a nice time here.
That's right.
Home fun is the best fun.
The family album!
Oh! Gather around. Take a chair.
A family album.
FELIX: Look at this. Ah, nice.
Who's that?
That's Andreas in his playpen.
Ah, you see, Oscar? Yeah.
Tearing the arms
off his teddy bear.
Would you like to
go out for a walk?
Helena.
Is she going to go get her coat?
No, that's the end
of the meeting.
We make first meeting short
to make next
meeting longer. Ah...
Very nice meeting you all
and I hope to see
you again very soon.
Don't go.
We don't need Helena
to enjoy ourselves.
It's a lot better
than arm wrestling.
Oscar, look, look.
Here's a picture
of the whole family.
Ah, but we start the scrapbooks
from the middle.
No, no, no, sit down.
We'll start at the beginning.
Sit down. We'll
look at scrapbooks.
Felix, Felix, et'slay amscray.
(snorts)
Ah, look. Look
what we have here.
Volume one.
Uh-huh...
The early years. Ah...
(snoring)
Oscar? Yeah.
Where are ya?
Here.
Hey, did you get a date?
(mumbles)
Huh?
(mumbles)
What does "Ah, ah, ah"
mean? I know what it means.
It means you didn't get a date.
Your tie looks adorable.
Great news.
Mr. Damascopolous
called me at the studio.
He invited us to his
restaurant tonight.
So?
Well, Helen will be there.
You can introduce
her to your mother.
How? In pantomime?
I don't even know
if the girl can talk.
Felix, my mother knows I'd
never go for a girl like that.
Oscar, what's the
matter with you?
Come along. The worst
thing that could happen
is that you'd have a good time.
Oh, sure, I'll
have a great time.
I'll say, "Mom, this is Helen."
Her father'll go like that.
Next thing you know I got an
old man sleeping on my shoulder.
(door buzzer sounds) What
are you gonna tell your mother?
I'm gonna tell
her the truth, Felix.
I don't have a steady girl.
I may never get married.
Hold your voice. She
has to face the facts.
No, I'm gonna
tell her right now.
Hi, Chickie. Hiya, Mom?
Oh, hi, Felix.
Oh, where are we going
tonight with your young lady?
That's what I want
to tell you, Mom.
Where is she? I'm
dying to meet her.
I was up all night
thinking about it.
That's what I want
to tell you, Mom.
Go ahead, tell her.
Tell me what?
How would you like to
go to a Greek restaurant?
Wonderful!
♪ ♪
(cheering)
Wonderful.
An old American toast:
Bottoms up!
Kolitiki. Kolitiki.
What is that? It's Greek.
It means "good luck" in Greek.
Ah, how nice.
Felix, where's Helen?
We've been here an hour
and my mother
thinks I made her up.
Is anything wrong, Mr. Madison?
Well, as a matter...
No, no. We're having
a wonderful time.
Thank you.
What's the matter with you?
These are Old World customs.
You don't offend people.
Mr. Madison, your
mother is beautiful.
(Felix laughs)
Oh, I just love Greek
food. We had it in Hawaii.
Another toast for Mrs. Madison.
Yoshua.
ALL: Yoshua.
"Good health."
Oh, how nice!
I have to say two
words now to the band.
They are all relatives.
Oscar, where's Helen?
She'll be here, Mom.
Listen, I want to tell
you something about her.
Well, what, what?
Well, you know you're used
to seeing me
with talkative girls.
She's very shy and very quiet.
Well, quiet is nice.
Quiet is beautiful.
Now we dance.
He dances, too.
Oh, no, no, no!
Come on.
He's asked me to dance.
Go ahead. It's okay.
I saw it in Zorba The Greek.
It's not okay. I saw it
in Boys In The Band.
Hey!
Hey, come on! Come on!
(music tempo increases)
(musical flourish
plays, song ends)
Oh!
Are you all right?
No.
(speaks Greek)
I came to meet your girlfriend,
and I've only seen
you dance with men.
Oh, we're having a lot of fun.
Mr. Madison, Mrs.
Madison, Felix Unger,
I want you to meet my daughter.
Oh, at last.
Everybody, my lovely
daughter, Helena!
(music plays)
(mouthing)
♪ ♪
(tempo increases)
Hey!
(laughing)
Oscar, you're a
boy belly dancer.
(laughing)
Oh, Mr. Damascopolous,
this was so exciting
after I once got used to this.
My name is Aroestes,
but you can call me Ari.
Oh, Ari, you're a nice man.
My name is Elizabeth
and you can call me Betsy.
Ah, dear lady, Betsy,
you made this evening wonderful.
You sure are nice and quiet,
but not when you dance,
and we're gonna dance a lot.
Listen, say my
name again, will you?
Oscar.
Yeah.
You want to dance?
(all laugh)
between your world tours,
we see each other
once in a while.
Let's have some
fun. You're right.
But you're really
looking for a girl?
Yes, Mom.
And you really want
to get married again? Yes, Ma.
And you have nothing
against grandchildren?
No, Ma... Ma, you
started this discussion
on the courthouse steps
the day I got my divorce.
Will you drop the subject?
All right, the subject
is closed. Good.
More coffee?
Did you ask him if he
found a nice girl yet?
The subject is open.
We were just talking about that.
Mrs. Madison, I'm the
last guy in the world to nag
or meddle in somebody
else's business,
believe me I'm not that kind.
But it breaks my heart to
know that this wonderful
son of yours
doesn't have a nice
steady girlfriend.
Well, he says he goes out.
Doesn't he date nice girls?
The nicest girl he ever
brought up here stole my watch.
Oscar... I, on the other hand,
date a very lovely girl,
lives right in this
building, Miriam.
Miriam Welby.
She holds down a very
responsible position.
I see my ex-wife
from time to time.
Our relationship is amicable.
I wish it were more than that.
I have a full, satisfying life.
Me, too.
You, too, what?
Me, too. On the other hand,
I met a very nice
girl I've been seeing.
I don't tell you
everything. When? Who?
What? Well, you don't know her,
that's who. Why
didn't you tell us?
That's wonderful. When
are we going to meet her?
Well, I don't know,
Ma. Saturday night.
Saturday, all four of us
will go out. Let's do that.
Let's do that.
Come on, call her.
Call her. Call her.
Call her, Chickie.
Chickie...! Chickie...!
Call her.
Make your mother happy.
Call her. Call her, Chickie.
Oh...
Hello, honey? Oscar.
Listen, I was wondering
if you were busy
Saturday night. Son-of-a-gun.
Yeah. Well... Ma.
He'll never talk to
girls in front of me.
I'll go freshen up.
Oh, isn't it wonderful, Feelie?
Well, my mother's in town.
Yeah, and I was wondering...
How could you have a girl
without me knowing about her?
Come on, who is it, huh?
Let me say hello.
Let me just talk to her.
Hello? This is Felix Unger.
Oscar Madison's probably
told you a million things about...
What?
The correct time is
1:13 and 20 seconds?
That is right.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Chickie, I can't wait to meet
your girlfriend Saturday night.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, Ma. I'll see you later.
I'd be good and ashamed.
Lying
to a mother who
calls you Chickie.
I lied because you
backed me into a corner.
Oh, it's my fault?
Yeah.
You're saving used coffee?
Don't help me.
My mother goes on world tours
worrying about
me in 26 countries.
Every tour guide in Asia
knows I'm not married.
She's trying to help you.
She enrolled me in a Lonely
Hearts Club in Istanbul.
Last week in the mail,
I got a sheep's head
with "I love you"
written along its neck.
So what're you gonna
tell her Saturday night
when you don't have a date?
Is that gonna make her happy?
I'll find somebody. Who? Who?
I was thinking of Mary.
Mary? With the tattoo?
You know about the tattoo?
She dresses to feature it.
How about Frida?
Oh, good.
Maybe she'll bring
my watch back.
Aw, butt out, will you?
It's all your fault.
You're the "call her,
call her, call her."
You're right.
I pushed you. I know I did.
I'm sorry. Let me
make it up to you.
You'll move out?
Let me find you a girl.
Oh, yeah... No, no.
I'll find someone your
mother'll be crazy about.
I can do it. I'm a
natural-born matchmaker.
All the great
matches I predicted:
John and Yoko, Liz and Richard.
I knew it was going to happen.
Give me a girl,
I'll give you a guy.
Jane Fonda.
Dom DeLuise.
Dom DeLuise?
Give me a hard one.
Give me a guy,
I'll give you a girl.
Oscar Madison.
Raquel Welch.
Hey, you are good at this game.
You see. I know your taste.
She may not be available.
Aw, what am I... No, wait!
I promise you I'll
have a girl here.
Well, I wonder where he can be.
Come in, come in, come in.
Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll bet he's in the
kitchen cooking dinner.
He's a wonderful cook.
He's just an all-around guy.
And his cleaning is every
bit as good as his cooking.
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!
I'm cleaning the countertop.
On my floor?
What's that terrible
odor in here?
(nasal honking) Well, you
weren't here. I was making supper.
(honking)
Shh, hold it down, not so loud.
It's not a cake I'm making.
What're you making?
It's a casserole.
We'll talk about it later.
I've got a girl here.
Oh, well, I'll get out of here.
No, no.
She's for you.
Oh, for me? Yeah.
Hey, she's a doll.
She is a lady.
Where'd you pick her up?
I didn't "pick her up" as
you so elegantly put it.
I met her. Where?
What does it matter
where I met her? I met her.
If it doesn't matter,
tell me where.
I met her at the
doctor's office.
What has she got?
Oh, come on.
If you don't want to meet her...
No, I do want to
meet her, she's cute.
I'm going to introduce you.
Now, act like a gentleman.
I will.
Here we are.
I want you to meet
one of the most
brilliant, clever, intelligent,
personable guys it's ever been
my great good fortune to know.
Hi. Want a beer?
No, thank you.
Sensational sense of humor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Doris Atkins, this
is Oscar Madison.
Hello. Nice to meet you. Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I have to
go to the movies.
Guess I'll leave you...
Where you going?
Just going to get some
fruit to take to the show.
I'm not here.
I'm not here.
Well, what kind
of work do you do?
Oh, I'm a music teacher.
I teach violin and piano.
Isn't that wonderful?
What do you do, Oscar?
Oh, I'm a sports writer.
Oh, that's right. Felix told me.
That... that must
be very exciting.
FELIX: It is exciting.
It's terrifically exciting.
Very exciting.
Tell him about your
music education.
Oh, he doesn't want
to hear about that.
I certainly do.
Yeah, I certainly do.
Go ahead, tell me.
I do want to hear.
Ah, well, I went
to school at, uh...
(high-pitched sneeze)
Juillard.
(nasally honk)
Uh, I studied
first violin and...
(honks nasally)
piano.
What is that sound you make?
I don't know, there must
be some dust in here.
Yeah, it's Oscar.
(chuckling)
You notice she makes
the same sound I do.
No, I didn't notice that.
Listen, have you
ever tried this stuff?
The doctor gave me this and
it's been terrifically effective.
Oh, no, I just got
this yesterday.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
It's almost the same stuff.
I have this, too.
Now, this is for stuffiness
and this is for pain.
For sneezing.
Watch out.
We seem to have a lot
in common, don't we?
Yeah.
I bet you wouldn't be interested
in seeing my vaporizer?
Yeah, I'd love to.
All right.
I think you'll
agree it's a beauty.
I just...
I was just making a
gesture of friendship,
that's all it was.
Oscar claims I brought
the girl home for myself.
Poor girl was clogged.
I had to do something.
He won't even talk to me now.
He's gone out to a singles bar.
Can you imagine that?
The thing is, I found the
perfect girl for him today.
Felix, am I the
black or the white?
You're black, Murray.
I just can't seem to get
the hang of this game.
You're doing fine.
You're doing fine.
Ah, I'm a whiz at
Casino and Go Fish.
Don't leave. You're
getting hot, Murray.
Ah, I gotta go.
I gotta find my badge.
I left it some place.
Oh, hi, Oscar.
Hi, Murray.
I found a badge in the hall.
Thanks.
Aren't you going to ask Oscar
if he found a date
for Saturday night?
Oh, yeah, how'd you do?
Did you get a girl
for Saturday night?
No, I came up empty.
I'm no good at picking
up girls anymore.
It's a whole new world.
Everybody's liberated but me.
Wouldn't it be ironic if
our friend, Mr. Madison,
came slithering back, begging
me to fix him up with a date?
I gave Mr. Unger a chance.
I ended up at the
movies with a bag of fruit.
All right, I made a mistake.
But I learned something from it.
And now, now, I've found
the perfect girl for him.
I don't want to hear about it.
But Murray does. Murray,
sit down, Murray, listen.
This afternoon, this
very afternoon, mind you,
a wonderful Greek
family came to my studio.
They wanted to have
their portraits made.
In this family, there
was a beautiful daughter.
Her name was Helen.
What's that you say?
Yes, just like Helen of Troy.
I didn't say.
A lovely, dark girl
with gleaming eyes.
Helena.
Helena.
So I told this wonderful
woman of the islands
about my roommate, Oscar.
I can still see the way her
warm, moist, eager mouth
formed his name, "Oscar."
Oscar.
They were made for each other,
and his mother
would love her, but no.
Through that door
on Saturday night
is going to walk a mother
who could be made happy
in 26 different countries
but for a selfish son.
All right, Felix,
call the girl. What?
What is that I hear?
You know what you heard.
I'm hearing a voice.
He's talking to me.
Congratulations!
You made a very wise choice.
I'll tell you something.
What?
Your mother is very lucky
that her son has
me for a friend.
Yeah, but don't make a
definite date for Saturday.
I want to meet her first.
We'll go out for
coffee... Leave it to me!
Leave everything
in my capable hands.
Well, another job well done...
by your man in blue.
Hey, this isn't my badge.
Some dumb cop lost his badge.
Don't forget, Felix...
You introduce me to her,
I take her right out for coffee.
Something like that.
Oh, no, Felix,
exactly like that.
Oscar, you just can't
grab the girl and leave.
You've got to meet
the entire Damascopolous family.
All right, I'll meet the entire
Damascopolous family
then we're out for coffee.
You've gotta talk to them.
You're going to love
sitting and talking with them.
They're Old World
people. They're charming.
They're a fun group, believe me!
You're gonna love them.
Hello, Felix.
Oh, Mr. Madison, I recognize you
from the newspapers.
Ah, welcome to my home.
Come in. Come in.
Come in. Come in.
This is the famous American
sports newspaper writer,
Oscar Madison!
How are you?
Felix, you know everybody, eh?
Kalifari filimou.
Ah, good.
Good Greek, huh?
This is my sainted mother.
How are you?
That's my father.
How do you do, sir?
He's resting.
That's my son, Andreas.
He's a sponge diver.
Sponge diver?
Well, since we
moved to New York,
he doesn't work that much,
but maybe you could help him.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Most of my friends
are in foam rubber.
No, no, no.
He's going to be a wrestler.
He's very strong.
Sit. Sit down. Sit down.
Oh, no, no, no.
One, two, three, go!
One, two, three, go!
You're very strong.
You're gonna be a
very good wrestler.
How do you turn this guy off?
(speaks Greek)
And sit down.
Enough.
And that's my jewel.
My lovely daughter Helena.
Very nice to meet you.
Go! Sit!
(snoring)
He likes you.
(snoring)
Beautiful weather
we're having, isn't it?
Ah, beautiful.
It's just like in Greece.
(snoring)
Excuse me. I show you something.
Would you like to go out
for some coffee? What out?
We have a nice time here.
That's right.
Home fun is the best fun.
The family album!
Oh! Gather around. Take a chair.
A family album.
FELIX: Look at this. Ah, nice.
Who's that?
That's Andreas in his playpen.
Ah, you see, Oscar? Yeah.
Tearing the arms
off his teddy bear.
Would you like to
go out for a walk?
Helena.
Is she going to go get her coat?
No, that's the end
of the meeting.
We make first meeting short
to make next
meeting longer. Ah...
Very nice meeting you all
and I hope to see
you again very soon.
Don't go.
We don't need Helena
to enjoy ourselves.
It's a lot better
than arm wrestling.
Oscar, look, look.
Here's a picture
of the whole family.
Ah, but we start the scrapbooks
from the middle.
No, no, no, sit down.
We'll start at the beginning.
Sit down. We'll
look at scrapbooks.
Felix, Felix, et'slay amscray.
(snorts)
Ah, look. Look
what we have here.
Volume one.
Uh-huh...
The early years. Ah...
(snoring)
Oscar? Yeah.
Where are ya?
Here.
Hey, did you get a date?
(mumbles)
Huh?
(mumbles)
What does "Ah, ah, ah"
mean? I know what it means.
It means you didn't get a date.
Your tie looks adorable.
Great news.
Mr. Damascopolous
called me at the studio.
He invited us to his
restaurant tonight.
So?
Well, Helen will be there.
You can introduce
her to your mother.
How? In pantomime?
I don't even know
if the girl can talk.
Felix, my mother knows I'd
never go for a girl like that.
Oscar, what's the
matter with you?
Come along. The worst
thing that could happen
is that you'd have a good time.
Oh, sure, I'll
have a great time.
I'll say, "Mom, this is Helen."
Her father'll go like that.
Next thing you know I got an
old man sleeping on my shoulder.
(door buzzer sounds) What
are you gonna tell your mother?
I'm gonna tell
her the truth, Felix.
I don't have a steady girl.
I may never get married.
Hold your voice. She
has to face the facts.
No, I'm gonna
tell her right now.
Hi, Chickie. Hiya, Mom?
Oh, hi, Felix.
Oh, where are we going
tonight with your young lady?
That's what I want
to tell you, Mom.
Where is she? I'm
dying to meet her.
I was up all night
thinking about it.
That's what I want
to tell you, Mom.
Go ahead, tell her.
Tell me what?
How would you like to
go to a Greek restaurant?
Wonderful!
♪ ♪
(cheering)
Wonderful.
An old American toast:
Bottoms up!
Kolitiki. Kolitiki.
What is that? It's Greek.
It means "good luck" in Greek.
Ah, how nice.
Felix, where's Helen?
We've been here an hour
and my mother
thinks I made her up.
Is anything wrong, Mr. Madison?
Well, as a matter...
No, no. We're having
a wonderful time.
Thank you.
What's the matter with you?
These are Old World customs.
You don't offend people.
Mr. Madison, your
mother is beautiful.
(Felix laughs)
Oh, I just love Greek
food. We had it in Hawaii.
Another toast for Mrs. Madison.
Yoshua.
ALL: Yoshua.
"Good health."
Oh, how nice!
I have to say two
words now to the band.
They are all relatives.
Oscar, where's Helen?
She'll be here, Mom.
Listen, I want to tell
you something about her.
Well, what, what?
Well, you know you're used
to seeing me
with talkative girls.
She's very shy and very quiet.
Well, quiet is nice.
Quiet is beautiful.
Now we dance.
He dances, too.
Oh, no, no, no!
Come on.
He's asked me to dance.
Go ahead. It's okay.
I saw it in Zorba The Greek.
It's not okay. I saw it
in Boys In The Band.
Hey!
Hey, come on! Come on!
(music tempo increases)
(musical flourish
plays, song ends)
Oh!
Are you all right?
No.
(speaks Greek)
I came to meet your girlfriend,
and I've only seen
you dance with men.
Oh, we're having a lot of fun.
Mr. Madison, Mrs.
Madison, Felix Unger,
I want you to meet my daughter.
Oh, at last.
Everybody, my lovely
daughter, Helena!
(music plays)
(mouthing)
♪ ♪
(tempo increases)
Hey!
(laughing)
Oscar, you're a
boy belly dancer.
(laughing)
Oh, Mr. Damascopolous,
this was so exciting
after I once got used to this.
My name is Aroestes,
but you can call me Ari.
Oh, Ari, you're a nice man.
My name is Elizabeth
and you can call me Betsy.
Ah, dear lady, Betsy,
you made this evening wonderful.
You sure are nice and quiet,
but not when you dance,
and we're gonna dance a lot.
Listen, say my
name again, will you?
Oscar.
Yeah.
You want to dance?
(all laugh)