The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 20 - Let's Make a Deal - full transcript
Felix and Oscar appear on Let's Make a Deal to get a new bed for Felix after Oscar set his on fire.
There's ashes in the dip.
I ran out of chives.
Oh, I wish Felix was home.
(clears throat)
Deal the cards!
(clears throat)
One for Oscar, one
for Speed, one for him,
one for me, one
for Oscar, Speed,
another one for him.
That's it. That's it!
The game's over.
Go on. Good night.
Oscar, it isn't every day
I get to play cards with
a big television celebrity.
Just because he's a celebrity
doesn't make him
different than you and me.
I can't believe you
went to college with him.
And I can't believe
this poker game...
You with him, you with your tie.
What's wrong with the tie?
Speed, the last
time you wore a tie
was when you had
a mark on your neck
you didn't want
your wife to see.
I'm telling you,
it's no big deal
to play cards with Monty Hall.
Especially when he beats you.
So you won a couple of dollars.
Now you can go back
to announcer's school
and get a diploma this time.
Look, you know how much money
I give away on my show every
day... thousands of dollars, right?
You know how nice it is to
win a few bucks sometime?
You want it double or
nothing? No, no, no, no.
Hey, uh, what happened
in that room back there?
Oh, that's Oscar's room.
We always laugh about it.
No, no, I-I don't
mean Oscar's room.
We used to laugh
about that in college, too.
You know that's where we used to
keep the goat for the football team.
He was a better
roommate than Felix.
No, I mean, I mean
your roommate's room.
It smells like something
burned back there.
No, nothing. Forget it.
Well, is that the end
of the game? That's it.
Well, that's just as well.
I got two Let's Make A
Deals to do tomorrow,
and I need my rest.
Yeah, I gotta go, too.
Well, good night, Monty.
Good night, Speed.
It was a pleasure
meeting you. You, too.
Good night, boys. 'Night, Speed.
Thanks for autographing my chip.
MONTY: Ah, you're welcome.
Hey, Oscar,
I've been in town a whole week,
and you haven't come down
to see my show once yet.
How about you...
Well, it's great show.
It's not my cup of tea.
I don't want to see all those
people in crazy costumes
jumping up and down like that.
Doesn't that really bug you?
Why should it bug me?
I like those people.
They're very nice,
ordinary people.
Well, good night, Oscar.
Good night, Murray.
So long, Monty. Nice
seeing you again.
Oh, Monty Hall!
I heard you were
in the building.
Pick me! Pick me!
Nice, ordinary people.
Bye...
The price of fame. Yep.
Well, I gotta get going.
No, no, no, I want you to
wait a minute. Why, what is it?
I want you to help-help
me to throw Felix's bed
down in the basement.
Are you two fighting again?
No, no, listen, Murray...
I had an accident.
What happened?
Well, my bed broke
down, I slept in here.
I fell asleep smoking
a cigar. See?
(whistling)
(whistling)
(still whistling) You
through with the tweets?
Grab the mattress, will you?
Oh! That goes right through the
box springs down to the carpet.
Do the people downstairs
know about this?
Will you grab the mattress?
Felix won't be
back for three days.
There's no reason
he has to find out...
ANNOUNCER: On November 13,
Felix Unger was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
(door slams)
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: The Odd Couple
was filmed in front of a live audience.
What... By the time I put it out
and found the cigar and
everything, that's what I had.
It's just a little hole. Just...
And here's another little hole.
What do I see down there?
Hello, Mrs. Johnson.
Where am I supposed to sleep?
I'll take care of that, buddy.
Look at that... Look
at my beautiful bed!
Nice to see you home, Felix.
I had nothing to do with this.
Good night, Oscar!
Here, buddy, what, are
you kidding? Look at that.
I'm not gonna sleep on
an army cot. Put it there.
You want me to bathe
out of my helmet?
This was Blanche
and my wedding bed.
Look, you weren't supposed
to come back until Tuesday.
The job ended soon.
Forgive me.
I rushed home. I took a plane.
All I could think of was the security
of sleeping in my own comfy bed.
Didn't you sleep on
one of these in the army?
I did not.
I had an orthopedic cot.
And I bought it
special in the PX.
The other guys made fun of me,
but I'm the one who won
the good posture medal.
Why am I talking
about...? I... I need a bed.
Look, here's all
the money I have.
Tomorrow you'll go
and you'll buy a bed.
I saw one advertised for $55.00.
What kind of bed can
you get for $55.00?
Hardly used.
Light another cigar, Oscar!
Burn a hole in my heart!
It's all the money
I have. Try it.
Go ahead. You'll become...
I can't sleep in
this damn thing.
You'll be snug
as a bug in a rug.
Go on, lie down,
put your feet up.
I'm too tired to
take my clothes off.
That's great. Here you go.
Good night, buddy.
(humming "Taps")
(humming "Taps")
(sobbing)
Oscar. Yeah.
Come in here, please.
Coming, coming, coming.
How you doing, buddy?
How did you sleep last night?
Great. How did you sleep?
I slept beautifully,
except that I had to get
up every hour for my spasm.
Oh, your back? Here, sit down.
(groans)
What? Oh, okay,
okay, here we go.
Let me know if
this hurts, will you?
Oh!
'Cause I don't know
what the heck I'm doing.
Oh, oh, enough! Oh, oh.
How's your back feel?
Better.
And my ears hurt.
What do you want, Felix?
Sit down, Oscar.
I have my figures here now.
What figures?
What you owe me.
Owe you for what?
For my bed.
I gave you the money
for your bed last night.
No, you gave me money
for your idea of the bed.
You're going to make good
for the property you destroyed.
Now, I have here:
one mattress, one box spring,
one carpet and
sundries... $975.00.
How much is it
without the sundries?
$965 Are you out of your mind?
I don't have that kind of money.
Well, you're going to
have to get it, Mr. Firebug.
That was a custom-
made mattress.
Custom-made? Yes.
You know how they come
in soft, regular,
firm and very firm.
Well, mine was very
firm around the edges
and soft in the center.
It was the only one
like it in the world.
Well, why don't we
get a very firm mattress,
and I'll jump in the middle.
Are you going to reimburse me
for my property or are you not?
Felix, I told you last night,
I gave you all the
money I've got.
Drinks beer for breakfast.
No caffeine.
You owe me!
Felix, what do you want?
I can't help it,
I don't have it.
Well, I don't have it.
I'm sorry.
Well, sorry isn't going
to buy me a new
bed... or a new back!
This is on your head.
(doorbell buzzing)
Come in.
FELIX: Oh, Miriam. Felix!
OSCAR: Miriam. You're home.
I didn't expect
you till Tuesday.
Oh... (groans)
What, your back?
How did you hurt your back?
I slept on an
army cot last night.
Oscar used my
mattress for an ashtray.
Oh... Oh, you poor baby.
I came down, Oscar, to
thank you for those tickets.
Oh, that's okay.
Tickets to what?
The Chicago fire?
Oscar got tickets
for my mother and me
to go see Let's Make A Deal.
My mother won
a color television.
You're kidding.
No. And then, and then
Monty Hall gave her a kiss.
She liked that better
than the television.
Monty's a great kisser.
Yeah. I gotta go to work.
I'll see you later.
Now, take care of yourself.
What? What? What?
You're going on
Let's Make A Deal.
Are you crazy?
You're gonna win a new bed,
your friends are
gonna see you on TV,
and Monty Hall is
gonna kiss your mother.
Where's your friend, Monty Hall?
How long does he
expect me to wait?
He's doing us a favor, remember?
Felix, could you show a
little more enthusiasm?
They like bubbly
people on this show.
Sorry, I can't help it.
Well, force yourself.
They like a guy with enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm has
nothing to do with it.
You make the right
choice and you win.
Yeah, before you can
make the right choice,
you have to be chosen.
How do you do that?
Well, you get Monty's attention.
He'll notice me.
A nice gentleman sitting here.
Felix, you're out of your mind.
You must... Look,
I'll show you how
the show works.
I'll be Monty Hall,
you'll be a contestant.
All right, you'll
see how it works.
Okay, I'm Monty Hall
and I come down and I say,
"Now, who am I going
to make a deal with?"
Oh, sure.
Oh, sure, he's gonna pick
you with your hand like that
when there's an egg salad
sandwich over there screaming,
"Take me! Not the gentleman!
Take me! Take me!"
What am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to
stand up and yell and jump.
I can't do that. Oh, come on.
Where's your sense
of showmanship?
Where's your personality?
You want me to
jump and down? Yeah.
Pick me! Pick me! Right,
right. Exactly, right, exactly.
That feels good.
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Buddy, all right,
I pick you. Yeah.
I pick you, right?
Now, I say to you,
"Would you take the
$500 that's in this envelope,
or take what's behind
curtain number one?
Oh, I'll take the curtain.
No, no, no, not the
cur... not the curtain!
Why not? 'Cause you don't
know what's behind there.
Maybe a polar bear.
How'd you like to
sleep on a polar bear?
He's softer than that cot.
Felix, believe me,
take the money.
But I want a bed.
The odds are against you.
Take the money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(hushed): I wonder
what's behind the curtain.
Oh, don't peek. No,
you're not supposed to...
Can I be of any help?
Oscar! Hi.
I know you.
You're Monty Hall.
Let's Make A Deal.
This is my bubbly
roommate, Felix.
Oh, yeah. Hi, Felix, how
are you? Good to meet you.
Oscar, what are you doing here?
Didn't you tell me you'd never
come down to see my show?
Well, I'm not here for myself.
Do you remember what
you smelled in my apartment?
Yeah. That was Felix's bed.
It burned. See, I
burned it. Oh, yeah.
Now, I'd like to get him
on "Let's Make A Deal"
so he could win another one.
No way. OSCAR: Aw...
No, no, I'm sorry,
I couldn't get either
one of you on the show.
But you're the big man here.
He's a crowd pleaser.
Well, no, maybe, maybe
not a crowd pleaser,
more of a group pleaser,
actually... small groups.
Felix... They like
me. Little people...
you see, we have
rules on this show.
The rules state no
friends, no relatives,
no friends of relatives,
no relatives of friends...
Yeah, but who's gonna know?
I'm going to know.
PRODUCER: Monty, we
need you in the control booth.
All right, I'll be
right up there.
Why don't you stick around?
Maybe we can
see each other later.
Huh? Nice to meet you.
That's that.
Felix, I'm gonna get you
up on Let's Make A Deal.
I don't want to do
anything devious, Oscar.
You heard him say when...
Felix, don't listen... I
outsmarted him in college,
I outsmarted him
at the poker table,
and I'm going to outsmart
him on Let's Make A Deal!
Yeah, but if this doesn't work,
I'll be humiliated in
front of 30 million people.
That's a chance
I'm willing to take.
Come on. Hurry
up, will ya, Felix?
Miriam will be down any minute.
I don't want Miriam
to see me like this.
She's not gonna recognize you,
which will prove that
Monty won't recognize you.
Come on, I told her she's gonna
have a big surprise. Come on.
Hey, that looks great!
Good. Oh...
Hey... Oh, just stay, stay...
(doorbell buzzing)
She's here. Come in, Miriam.
Hi.
Hi, Miriam.
Hey, Felix, that's
a great costume.
She recognized me right away.
Why, that's because she knows
you live here, right, Miriam?
No, actually Felix, I
recognized your walk.
How did you happen
to choose a chicken?
How did I choose a chicken?
He chose it.
FELIX: I've watched that show.
Everybody goes as a chicken.
This won't work. Nobody
goes as a chicken.
In the words of Abraham Lincoln,
"You can fool some of
the people all of the time,"
but never in feathers.
Hey, Felix!
There you go, Abraham Lincoln!
Abraham Lincoln jumping up
and down saying, "Notice me,
pick me, Monty, pick me!"
Lincoln was six-foot-five.
Okay, you'll go
as young Lincoln.
How does it look, Miriam?
Like Abraham Chicken.
I'm not going to do it.
Hey, put these on, put these on.
There we go. You can
go as Murray's brother.
I'm not going to do it.
How does a man get
out of this chicken outfit?
Okay, it's off my head.
He just won't go on.
Yes, I will go on,
but I won't go on as
Murray's brother or as the
President with drumsticks.
It must be a very
special costume,
and I've thought
of the perfect one.
I ask only one thing of you.
What?
Back me up.
OSCAR: Felix,
this is ridiculous.
FELIX: It's a perfect costume.
Monty will never recognize us.
OSCAR: I get the feeling
I'm gonna be embarrassed.
FELIX: You got a better idea?
OSCAR: No.
FELIX: Then relax. Have fun.
So you turned down the
$1,000 for curtain number three,
and let's take a look and
see what we have back there.
Oh, 200 cantaloupes,
worth $94.36.
But that's the way it happens
sometimes when you get so...
Thank you for being such a
good sport on Let's Make A Deal,
and in just a moment, after
this commercial message,
we're going to come back
and pay ten dollars for anyone
who has a rubber band.
That'll be just one
minute from now.
How are we doing on time?
We're right on the second.
Oscar. What?
You've got a rubber
band. This is our chance.
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
It's holding your socks up.
Give it to me.
Felix, this is silly...
I know it's silly, but
ten dollars is ten dollars.
Here. Where is it?
Here. Will he take it broken?
Oh, I don't know
what's happening to me.
A week ago, I was
a happy sportswriter.
Today I'm the back
end of Mister Ed.
Don't worry, we're
gonna get on the show.
We've got the best costume here.
You just see some of these
ridiculous people around here.
All right, time once again
to go back to Let's Make A
Deal and pay off those ten dollars
for every rubber band we have.
(whinnying) Here's a
young lady right over here.
Here's your ten dollars.
Thank you very much
for the rubber band.
(whinnying)
Now down, boy, down, down!
Down, Silver.
There's a good horse.
(snorting) There you are.
We'll take the rubber band
and we'll give you ten dollars.
There you are.
Now who else might
have... Let's make a deal!
Let's make a deal,
Monty, let's make a deal!
This horse is a nag.
You want to make another deal?
All right, we'll take
your ten dollars
so you can trade for
what's behind the curtain.
But first of all, let's see
who I'm dealing with here.
This is Frederick Ungman
and... Ozzie Malone.
All right, Frederick and Ozzie,
let's see what we have for you
behind the curtain.
And you have yourself
a new waffle iron.
FELIX: A waffle iron.
Don't you have any
bedroom furniture back there?
Just a minute, Frederick.
You haven't seen it all, because
there's something that
goes with the waffle iron.
Oh. Right behind
the other curtain.
So, you can keep your waffle
iron and what's behind it or...
FELIX: Mm-hmm. Or? You
could have what's under the box...
Uh-huh. Or...
Another or? Yes, you can have
what's in this envelope,
but here I have some money
and I guarantee you,
there's at least
$100 in cash in there.
OSCAR (whinnying):
Take the envelope!
I don't want the
envelope, I want a bed.
(whinnying): Take the envelope!
What is it going to be?
The envelope or the
curtain or the box?
The en... the
curtain... the bo...
I... Take the money and run!
Goodness, folks, Ozzie speaks.
This is a very talented horse.
It talks at both ends.
Why don't you, uh, why
don't you take off your costume
and let's take a look and
see what you look like.
No! No! Huh, come on, folks,
everybody wants
to see your faces.
Why don't you do that?
No. Some other time, folks.
Ah, now, come on, no,
you don't take off the
costume, it's no deal.
Come on now, Felix.
No, no, that's blackmail.
Come on, there we go. No,
no, no, no, that's blackmail!
Oh, no... There we are.
Felix!
Felix Unger.
Folks, you know who this is?
This is New York's finest
photographer, Felix Unger.
Hello, America.
I wonder who's in the other end.
Could it possibly be...
(whispering):
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Could... yeah, well, there...
Yes, it's Oscar Madison,
New York's finest sportswriter.
Oscar, what are you doing now?
Covering the races
from the inside?
Ha. Come on out here.
Let's take a look at you.
Come on, Oscar.
Might as well.
Keep your sense of humor.
What about my sense of dignity?
So, Oscar Madison.
This is the man who said,
"Where do you get
all those crazy people
who come dressed
to your show, huh?"
And here he is himself,
in the horse's flesh.
(laughs)
You're a clever man. Yes.
Well, this sounds
like a good time
to take a break for a
commercial message
and then we'll come
back for the next half
of the Oscar and Felix Show,
which should be a
lot of fun. Stick around.
Thirty seconds, Monty.
Right. Well, Oscar,
nice to have you here.
You look just great in tails.
(laughing) You kill me, Monty.
Speak up, don't mumble.
Kill!!
I just can't believe it.
Oscar Madison right
here on my show.
That's terrific.
D-Does this mean you're
going to have to disqualify us?
Would I do a thing like that?
I bet he would.
No, no, that's not my style.
Aw, doggone it,
Mr. Hall, you're a person.
Yeah. No wonder
millions of people love you.
You're on, Monty.
All right.
It's time now to resume
with Felix and Oscar.
You boys know what you
have... You have the waffle iron,
and I said you could have
that and what's behind it. Yeah.
Or the box or the cash,
and we know there's at least
one hundred dollars in cash.
So what's it going to be?
Ah, oh... let-let's
consider this
very, very carefully.
Sure, take the envelope.
Why the envelope? Why not?
Good thinking. We'll
take the envelope.
You're going to take
the envelope. All right.
First of all we'll see what
was behind the waffle iron.
There was a gourmet rotisserie!
Oh, a rotisserie.
I've always wanted that.
Oh, we blew it.
Wait a minute, now.
That's what was
behind the waffle iron.
Now, let's take a look and see
what you blew under the box.
It was a microwave oven!
Oh, oh, I've always wanted a...
Oh, you blew it. You blew it.
Not necessarily, because I
said you still have cash in here.
Now, let's find out how
much cash we have.
I told you there's at
least one hundred dollars?
There's the one hundred.
Now, watch this.
Two hundred...
three hundred... four...
Oh!
Five hundred...
six hundred... Oh!
Felix! Seven hundred...
eight hundred dollars!
Eight hundred dollars! Just
what I've always wanted.
I didn't blow it.
Now that you have the
eight hundred dollars,
maybe you'd be interested in
trading the eight hundred dollars
for one of our three curtains
because the Big Deal today
is worth over five
thousand dollars.
No. Yes! Yes!
The yeses have it
two to one. All right.
You decide what
curtain you want,
and I'll see if I can find somebody else
to trade away what they already have.
Felix, what's the... Don't
get greedy. Take the money.
What is eight hundred dollars
compared to five thousand?
I feel lucky.
Felix, we're liable to lose
everything. Listen to me!
If I had listened to you,
we wouldn't be in
this swell horse's outfit!
All right now, this
gentleman right back here
is going to trade in
his refrigerator-freezer
for curtain number three.
What curtain do you want?
Oh, oh, I... That means I can
have number one or number two?
That's right.
Okay, I'll, I'll
take... ah, ooh...
I'll take number...
Come on, take a number.
Well? I'll...
I'll go for broke
with number two.
Go for broke?
A very adequate
choice of words, because
behind curtain number two, we
have 20 cases of canned squid!
Canned squid?
Maybe there's a mistake.
Maybe that was
the wrong curtain.
Canned squid?
But wait a moment.
You'll notice this
beautiful young lady
has just brought forth
one can of canned squid.
And on this can,
there's a little note,
and in the note,
there's a message.
And what could that message be?
This is the big one.
This is the big one.
It'll be a trip to Europe.
All right, come on.
All right now, do you
want to keep your squid
and the message
that's contained herein...
Mm-hmm. But if you don't,
I'll give you back your
$800 and a 200-dollar bonus,
and then you'll
have $1,000 in cash.
What do you want
to do? Keep the squid.
Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?
Take the money.
No, no, keep the squid!
This is a trick,
this is a trick!
I'll take the money.
The money? Yes.
Ah, you're not going
to take the squid? No.
All right, you have the
one thousand dollars, right?
Yes. Okay.
Here is your $1,000. Yes.
Now, I'm going to show
you what you turned down
when you turned down the squid.
The message says...
Are you ready for this?
Yes. "If you'd have
kept this squid,
I would have owed you
one more can of squid.
(mumbling): We did it...
(mumbling and laughing)
You can see how
happy the boys are.
And why not? They have $1,000.
One thousand dollars.
But that's not the reason
why Oscar is smiling.
Why am I smiling?
You see, friends, I've known
Oscar Madison for many, many years,
and we sort of stretched
things just a little bit to allow him
to participate in the show
and win all the money,
but as the rules clearly say
that no friends or relatives can play
and win money on Let's Make A Deal,
I just know what Felix and Oscar
want to do with their winnings today.
What?
Felix and Oscar would like to
donate the one thousand dollars
to their favorite orphanage.
No! No!
I'll make a deal
with the orphanage!
Felix! No, of
course, I'm kidding.
You know that I'm kidding.
I'm an orphan myself.
Hi, Mom!
Orphans come to
our house for dinner.
Okay, chow call, gentlemen.
You know, that
is a beautiful bed.
Yeah, Felix laid out the money.
I have to pay him back five
dollars a month... forever.
Okay, each of you will find on
your place something very special.
What do you see,
Oscar? A carrot.
And Monty, what do
you see on your plate?
One potato chip.
Okay, let's make a deal!
Pick me, pick me, pick me!
All right, I'll pick you.
Now, I'll tell you what I'll
trade you for your carrot.
You can have plate number one,
plate number two or
plate number three.
What will it be?
Come on! Hey, come on!
I'll have plate number one.
Plate number one, and
let's see what Oscar's
plate number one...
A beautiful steak! Ooh!
Oh... In exchange for
his carrot. Thank you.
All right. Now me,
now me, now me!
Yes, yes. Now it's my turn.
All right, for your potato chip,
What am I gonna have? you
can have either plate number two
or plate number three.
Take two, take two.
Two, two, two, two, two, two.
Take two. Two.
Two it is for
Monty, which leaves
plate number
three for lucky Felix.
Let's just see what Felix
is going to get. A beautiful
steak for Felix And
now mine, mine, mine.
In exchange for his coleslaw.
All right! And now here is
plate number two for Monty.
Right, right, a very nice,
juicy... Canned squid.
I ran out of chives.
Oh, I wish Felix was home.
(clears throat)
Deal the cards!
(clears throat)
One for Oscar, one
for Speed, one for him,
one for me, one
for Oscar, Speed,
another one for him.
That's it. That's it!
The game's over.
Go on. Good night.
Oscar, it isn't every day
I get to play cards with
a big television celebrity.
Just because he's a celebrity
doesn't make him
different than you and me.
I can't believe you
went to college with him.
And I can't believe
this poker game...
You with him, you with your tie.
What's wrong with the tie?
Speed, the last
time you wore a tie
was when you had
a mark on your neck
you didn't want
your wife to see.
I'm telling you,
it's no big deal
to play cards with Monty Hall.
Especially when he beats you.
So you won a couple of dollars.
Now you can go back
to announcer's school
and get a diploma this time.
Look, you know how much money
I give away on my show every
day... thousands of dollars, right?
You know how nice it is to
win a few bucks sometime?
You want it double or
nothing? No, no, no, no.
Hey, uh, what happened
in that room back there?
Oh, that's Oscar's room.
We always laugh about it.
No, no, I-I don't
mean Oscar's room.
We used to laugh
about that in college, too.
You know that's where we used to
keep the goat for the football team.
He was a better
roommate than Felix.
No, I mean, I mean
your roommate's room.
It smells like something
burned back there.
No, nothing. Forget it.
Well, is that the end
of the game? That's it.
Well, that's just as well.
I got two Let's Make A
Deals to do tomorrow,
and I need my rest.
Yeah, I gotta go, too.
Well, good night, Monty.
Good night, Speed.
It was a pleasure
meeting you. You, too.
Good night, boys. 'Night, Speed.
Thanks for autographing my chip.
MONTY: Ah, you're welcome.
Hey, Oscar,
I've been in town a whole week,
and you haven't come down
to see my show once yet.
How about you...
Well, it's great show.
It's not my cup of tea.
I don't want to see all those
people in crazy costumes
jumping up and down like that.
Doesn't that really bug you?
Why should it bug me?
I like those people.
They're very nice,
ordinary people.
Well, good night, Oscar.
Good night, Murray.
So long, Monty. Nice
seeing you again.
Oh, Monty Hall!
I heard you were
in the building.
Pick me! Pick me!
Nice, ordinary people.
Bye...
The price of fame. Yep.
Well, I gotta get going.
No, no, no, I want you to
wait a minute. Why, what is it?
I want you to help-help
me to throw Felix's bed
down in the basement.
Are you two fighting again?
No, no, listen, Murray...
I had an accident.
What happened?
Well, my bed broke
down, I slept in here.
I fell asleep smoking
a cigar. See?
(whistling)
(whistling)
(still whistling) You
through with the tweets?
Grab the mattress, will you?
Oh! That goes right through the
box springs down to the carpet.
Do the people downstairs
know about this?
Will you grab the mattress?
Felix won't be
back for three days.
There's no reason
he has to find out...
ANNOUNCER: On November 13,
Felix Unger was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
(door slams)
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: The Odd Couple
was filmed in front of a live audience.
What... By the time I put it out
and found the cigar and
everything, that's what I had.
It's just a little hole. Just...
And here's another little hole.
What do I see down there?
Hello, Mrs. Johnson.
Where am I supposed to sleep?
I'll take care of that, buddy.
Look at that... Look
at my beautiful bed!
Nice to see you home, Felix.
I had nothing to do with this.
Good night, Oscar!
Here, buddy, what, are
you kidding? Look at that.
I'm not gonna sleep on
an army cot. Put it there.
You want me to bathe
out of my helmet?
This was Blanche
and my wedding bed.
Look, you weren't supposed
to come back until Tuesday.
The job ended soon.
Forgive me.
I rushed home. I took a plane.
All I could think of was the security
of sleeping in my own comfy bed.
Didn't you sleep on
one of these in the army?
I did not.
I had an orthopedic cot.
And I bought it
special in the PX.
The other guys made fun of me,
but I'm the one who won
the good posture medal.
Why am I talking
about...? I... I need a bed.
Look, here's all
the money I have.
Tomorrow you'll go
and you'll buy a bed.
I saw one advertised for $55.00.
What kind of bed can
you get for $55.00?
Hardly used.
Light another cigar, Oscar!
Burn a hole in my heart!
It's all the money
I have. Try it.
Go ahead. You'll become...
I can't sleep in
this damn thing.
You'll be snug
as a bug in a rug.
Go on, lie down,
put your feet up.
I'm too tired to
take my clothes off.
That's great. Here you go.
Good night, buddy.
(humming "Taps")
(humming "Taps")
(sobbing)
Oscar. Yeah.
Come in here, please.
Coming, coming, coming.
How you doing, buddy?
How did you sleep last night?
Great. How did you sleep?
I slept beautifully,
except that I had to get
up every hour for my spasm.
Oh, your back? Here, sit down.
(groans)
What? Oh, okay,
okay, here we go.
Let me know if
this hurts, will you?
Oh!
'Cause I don't know
what the heck I'm doing.
Oh, oh, enough! Oh, oh.
How's your back feel?
Better.
And my ears hurt.
What do you want, Felix?
Sit down, Oscar.
I have my figures here now.
What figures?
What you owe me.
Owe you for what?
For my bed.
I gave you the money
for your bed last night.
No, you gave me money
for your idea of the bed.
You're going to make good
for the property you destroyed.
Now, I have here:
one mattress, one box spring,
one carpet and
sundries... $975.00.
How much is it
without the sundries?
$965 Are you out of your mind?
I don't have that kind of money.
Well, you're going to
have to get it, Mr. Firebug.
That was a custom-
made mattress.
Custom-made? Yes.
You know how they come
in soft, regular,
firm and very firm.
Well, mine was very
firm around the edges
and soft in the center.
It was the only one
like it in the world.
Well, why don't we
get a very firm mattress,
and I'll jump in the middle.
Are you going to reimburse me
for my property or are you not?
Felix, I told you last night,
I gave you all the
money I've got.
Drinks beer for breakfast.
No caffeine.
You owe me!
Felix, what do you want?
I can't help it,
I don't have it.
Well, I don't have it.
I'm sorry.
Well, sorry isn't going
to buy me a new
bed... or a new back!
This is on your head.
(doorbell buzzing)
Come in.
FELIX: Oh, Miriam. Felix!
OSCAR: Miriam. You're home.
I didn't expect
you till Tuesday.
Oh... (groans)
What, your back?
How did you hurt your back?
I slept on an
army cot last night.
Oscar used my
mattress for an ashtray.
Oh... Oh, you poor baby.
I came down, Oscar, to
thank you for those tickets.
Oh, that's okay.
Tickets to what?
The Chicago fire?
Oscar got tickets
for my mother and me
to go see Let's Make A Deal.
My mother won
a color television.
You're kidding.
No. And then, and then
Monty Hall gave her a kiss.
She liked that better
than the television.
Monty's a great kisser.
Yeah. I gotta go to work.
I'll see you later.
Now, take care of yourself.
What? What? What?
You're going on
Let's Make A Deal.
Are you crazy?
You're gonna win a new bed,
your friends are
gonna see you on TV,
and Monty Hall is
gonna kiss your mother.
Where's your friend, Monty Hall?
How long does he
expect me to wait?
He's doing us a favor, remember?
Felix, could you show a
little more enthusiasm?
They like bubbly
people on this show.
Sorry, I can't help it.
Well, force yourself.
They like a guy with enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm has
nothing to do with it.
You make the right
choice and you win.
Yeah, before you can
make the right choice,
you have to be chosen.
How do you do that?
Well, you get Monty's attention.
He'll notice me.
A nice gentleman sitting here.
Felix, you're out of your mind.
You must... Look,
I'll show you how
the show works.
I'll be Monty Hall,
you'll be a contestant.
All right, you'll
see how it works.
Okay, I'm Monty Hall
and I come down and I say,
"Now, who am I going
to make a deal with?"
Oh, sure.
Oh, sure, he's gonna pick
you with your hand like that
when there's an egg salad
sandwich over there screaming,
"Take me! Not the gentleman!
Take me! Take me!"
What am I supposed to do?
You're supposed to
stand up and yell and jump.
I can't do that. Oh, come on.
Where's your sense
of showmanship?
Where's your personality?
You want me to
jump and down? Yeah.
Pick me! Pick me! Right,
right. Exactly, right, exactly.
That feels good.
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Buddy, all right,
I pick you. Yeah.
I pick you, right?
Now, I say to you,
"Would you take the
$500 that's in this envelope,
or take what's behind
curtain number one?
Oh, I'll take the curtain.
No, no, no, not the
cur... not the curtain!
Why not? 'Cause you don't
know what's behind there.
Maybe a polar bear.
How'd you like to
sleep on a polar bear?
He's softer than that cot.
Felix, believe me,
take the money.
But I want a bed.
The odds are against you.
Take the money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(hushed): I wonder
what's behind the curtain.
Oh, don't peek. No,
you're not supposed to...
Can I be of any help?
Oscar! Hi.
I know you.
You're Monty Hall.
Let's Make A Deal.
This is my bubbly
roommate, Felix.
Oh, yeah. Hi, Felix, how
are you? Good to meet you.
Oscar, what are you doing here?
Didn't you tell me you'd never
come down to see my show?
Well, I'm not here for myself.
Do you remember what
you smelled in my apartment?
Yeah. That was Felix's bed.
It burned. See, I
burned it. Oh, yeah.
Now, I'd like to get him
on "Let's Make A Deal"
so he could win another one.
No way. OSCAR: Aw...
No, no, I'm sorry,
I couldn't get either
one of you on the show.
But you're the big man here.
He's a crowd pleaser.
Well, no, maybe, maybe
not a crowd pleaser,
more of a group pleaser,
actually... small groups.
Felix... They like
me. Little people...
you see, we have
rules on this show.
The rules state no
friends, no relatives,
no friends of relatives,
no relatives of friends...
Yeah, but who's gonna know?
I'm going to know.
PRODUCER: Monty, we
need you in the control booth.
All right, I'll be
right up there.
Why don't you stick around?
Maybe we can
see each other later.
Huh? Nice to meet you.
That's that.
Felix, I'm gonna get you
up on Let's Make A Deal.
I don't want to do
anything devious, Oscar.
You heard him say when...
Felix, don't listen... I
outsmarted him in college,
I outsmarted him
at the poker table,
and I'm going to outsmart
him on Let's Make A Deal!
Yeah, but if this doesn't work,
I'll be humiliated in
front of 30 million people.
That's a chance
I'm willing to take.
Come on. Hurry
up, will ya, Felix?
Miriam will be down any minute.
I don't want Miriam
to see me like this.
She's not gonna recognize you,
which will prove that
Monty won't recognize you.
Come on, I told her she's gonna
have a big surprise. Come on.
Hey, that looks great!
Good. Oh...
Hey... Oh, just stay, stay...
(doorbell buzzing)
She's here. Come in, Miriam.
Hi.
Hi, Miriam.
Hey, Felix, that's
a great costume.
She recognized me right away.
Why, that's because she knows
you live here, right, Miriam?
No, actually Felix, I
recognized your walk.
How did you happen
to choose a chicken?
How did I choose a chicken?
He chose it.
FELIX: I've watched that show.
Everybody goes as a chicken.
This won't work. Nobody
goes as a chicken.
In the words of Abraham Lincoln,
"You can fool some of
the people all of the time,"
but never in feathers.
Hey, Felix!
There you go, Abraham Lincoln!
Abraham Lincoln jumping up
and down saying, "Notice me,
pick me, Monty, pick me!"
Lincoln was six-foot-five.
Okay, you'll go
as young Lincoln.
How does it look, Miriam?
Like Abraham Chicken.
I'm not going to do it.
Hey, put these on, put these on.
There we go. You can
go as Murray's brother.
I'm not going to do it.
How does a man get
out of this chicken outfit?
Okay, it's off my head.
He just won't go on.
Yes, I will go on,
but I won't go on as
Murray's brother or as the
President with drumsticks.
It must be a very
special costume,
and I've thought
of the perfect one.
I ask only one thing of you.
What?
Back me up.
OSCAR: Felix,
this is ridiculous.
FELIX: It's a perfect costume.
Monty will never recognize us.
OSCAR: I get the feeling
I'm gonna be embarrassed.
FELIX: You got a better idea?
OSCAR: No.
FELIX: Then relax. Have fun.
So you turned down the
$1,000 for curtain number three,
and let's take a look and
see what we have back there.
Oh, 200 cantaloupes,
worth $94.36.
But that's the way it happens
sometimes when you get so...
Thank you for being such a
good sport on Let's Make A Deal,
and in just a moment, after
this commercial message,
we're going to come back
and pay ten dollars for anyone
who has a rubber band.
That'll be just one
minute from now.
How are we doing on time?
We're right on the second.
Oscar. What?
You've got a rubber
band. This is our chance.
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
It's holding your socks up.
Give it to me.
Felix, this is silly...
I know it's silly, but
ten dollars is ten dollars.
Here. Where is it?
Here. Will he take it broken?
Oh, I don't know
what's happening to me.
A week ago, I was
a happy sportswriter.
Today I'm the back
end of Mister Ed.
Don't worry, we're
gonna get on the show.
We've got the best costume here.
You just see some of these
ridiculous people around here.
All right, time once again
to go back to Let's Make A
Deal and pay off those ten dollars
for every rubber band we have.
(whinnying) Here's a
young lady right over here.
Here's your ten dollars.
Thank you very much
for the rubber band.
(whinnying)
Now down, boy, down, down!
Down, Silver.
There's a good horse.
(snorting) There you are.
We'll take the rubber band
and we'll give you ten dollars.
There you are.
Now who else might
have... Let's make a deal!
Let's make a deal,
Monty, let's make a deal!
This horse is a nag.
You want to make another deal?
All right, we'll take
your ten dollars
so you can trade for
what's behind the curtain.
But first of all, let's see
who I'm dealing with here.
This is Frederick Ungman
and... Ozzie Malone.
All right, Frederick and Ozzie,
let's see what we have for you
behind the curtain.
And you have yourself
a new waffle iron.
FELIX: A waffle iron.
Don't you have any
bedroom furniture back there?
Just a minute, Frederick.
You haven't seen it all, because
there's something that
goes with the waffle iron.
Oh. Right behind
the other curtain.
So, you can keep your waffle
iron and what's behind it or...
FELIX: Mm-hmm. Or? You
could have what's under the box...
Uh-huh. Or...
Another or? Yes, you can have
what's in this envelope,
but here I have some money
and I guarantee you,
there's at least
$100 in cash in there.
OSCAR (whinnying):
Take the envelope!
I don't want the
envelope, I want a bed.
(whinnying): Take the envelope!
What is it going to be?
The envelope or the
curtain or the box?
The en... the
curtain... the bo...
I... Take the money and run!
Goodness, folks, Ozzie speaks.
This is a very talented horse.
It talks at both ends.
Why don't you, uh, why
don't you take off your costume
and let's take a look and
see what you look like.
No! No! Huh, come on, folks,
everybody wants
to see your faces.
Why don't you do that?
No. Some other time, folks.
Ah, now, come on, no,
you don't take off the
costume, it's no deal.
Come on now, Felix.
No, no, that's blackmail.
Come on, there we go. No,
no, no, no, that's blackmail!
Oh, no... There we are.
Felix!
Felix Unger.
Folks, you know who this is?
This is New York's finest
photographer, Felix Unger.
Hello, America.
I wonder who's in the other end.
Could it possibly be...
(whispering):
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Could... yeah, well, there...
Yes, it's Oscar Madison,
New York's finest sportswriter.
Oscar, what are you doing now?
Covering the races
from the inside?
Ha. Come on out here.
Let's take a look at you.
Come on, Oscar.
Might as well.
Keep your sense of humor.
What about my sense of dignity?
So, Oscar Madison.
This is the man who said,
"Where do you get
all those crazy people
who come dressed
to your show, huh?"
And here he is himself,
in the horse's flesh.
(laughs)
You're a clever man. Yes.
Well, this sounds
like a good time
to take a break for a
commercial message
and then we'll come
back for the next half
of the Oscar and Felix Show,
which should be a
lot of fun. Stick around.
Thirty seconds, Monty.
Right. Well, Oscar,
nice to have you here.
You look just great in tails.
(laughing) You kill me, Monty.
Speak up, don't mumble.
Kill!!
I just can't believe it.
Oscar Madison right
here on my show.
That's terrific.
D-Does this mean you're
going to have to disqualify us?
Would I do a thing like that?
I bet he would.
No, no, that's not my style.
Aw, doggone it,
Mr. Hall, you're a person.
Yeah. No wonder
millions of people love you.
You're on, Monty.
All right.
It's time now to resume
with Felix and Oscar.
You boys know what you
have... You have the waffle iron,
and I said you could have
that and what's behind it. Yeah.
Or the box or the cash,
and we know there's at least
one hundred dollars in cash.
So what's it going to be?
Ah, oh... let-let's
consider this
very, very carefully.
Sure, take the envelope.
Why the envelope? Why not?
Good thinking. We'll
take the envelope.
You're going to take
the envelope. All right.
First of all we'll see what
was behind the waffle iron.
There was a gourmet rotisserie!
Oh, a rotisserie.
I've always wanted that.
Oh, we blew it.
Wait a minute, now.
That's what was
behind the waffle iron.
Now, let's take a look and see
what you blew under the box.
It was a microwave oven!
Oh, oh, I've always wanted a...
Oh, you blew it. You blew it.
Not necessarily, because I
said you still have cash in here.
Now, let's find out how
much cash we have.
I told you there's at
least one hundred dollars?
There's the one hundred.
Now, watch this.
Two hundred...
three hundred... four...
Oh!
Five hundred...
six hundred... Oh!
Felix! Seven hundred...
eight hundred dollars!
Eight hundred dollars! Just
what I've always wanted.
I didn't blow it.
Now that you have the
eight hundred dollars,
maybe you'd be interested in
trading the eight hundred dollars
for one of our three curtains
because the Big Deal today
is worth over five
thousand dollars.
No. Yes! Yes!
The yeses have it
two to one. All right.
You decide what
curtain you want,
and I'll see if I can find somebody else
to trade away what they already have.
Felix, what's the... Don't
get greedy. Take the money.
What is eight hundred dollars
compared to five thousand?
I feel lucky.
Felix, we're liable to lose
everything. Listen to me!
If I had listened to you,
we wouldn't be in
this swell horse's outfit!
All right now, this
gentleman right back here
is going to trade in
his refrigerator-freezer
for curtain number three.
What curtain do you want?
Oh, oh, I... That means I can
have number one or number two?
That's right.
Okay, I'll, I'll
take... ah, ooh...
I'll take number...
Come on, take a number.
Well? I'll...
I'll go for broke
with number two.
Go for broke?
A very adequate
choice of words, because
behind curtain number two, we
have 20 cases of canned squid!
Canned squid?
Maybe there's a mistake.
Maybe that was
the wrong curtain.
Canned squid?
But wait a moment.
You'll notice this
beautiful young lady
has just brought forth
one can of canned squid.
And on this can,
there's a little note,
and in the note,
there's a message.
And what could that message be?
This is the big one.
This is the big one.
It'll be a trip to Europe.
All right, come on.
All right now, do you
want to keep your squid
and the message
that's contained herein...
Mm-hmm. But if you don't,
I'll give you back your
$800 and a 200-dollar bonus,
and then you'll
have $1,000 in cash.
What do you want
to do? Keep the squid.
Who are you, Jacques Cousteau?
Take the money.
No, no, keep the squid!
This is a trick,
this is a trick!
I'll take the money.
The money? Yes.
Ah, you're not going
to take the squid? No.
All right, you have the
one thousand dollars, right?
Yes. Okay.
Here is your $1,000. Yes.
Now, I'm going to show
you what you turned down
when you turned down the squid.
The message says...
Are you ready for this?
Yes. "If you'd have
kept this squid,
I would have owed you
one more can of squid.
(mumbling): We did it...
(mumbling and laughing)
You can see how
happy the boys are.
And why not? They have $1,000.
One thousand dollars.
But that's not the reason
why Oscar is smiling.
Why am I smiling?
You see, friends, I've known
Oscar Madison for many, many years,
and we sort of stretched
things just a little bit to allow him
to participate in the show
and win all the money,
but as the rules clearly say
that no friends or relatives can play
and win money on Let's Make A Deal,
I just know what Felix and Oscar
want to do with their winnings today.
What?
Felix and Oscar would like to
donate the one thousand dollars
to their favorite orphanage.
No! No!
I'll make a deal
with the orphanage!
Felix! No, of
course, I'm kidding.
You know that I'm kidding.
I'm an orphan myself.
Hi, Mom!
Orphans come to
our house for dinner.
Okay, chow call, gentlemen.
You know, that
is a beautiful bed.
Yeah, Felix laid out the money.
I have to pay him back five
dollars a month... forever.
Okay, each of you will find on
your place something very special.
What do you see,
Oscar? A carrot.
And Monty, what do
you see on your plate?
One potato chip.
Okay, let's make a deal!
Pick me, pick me, pick me!
All right, I'll pick you.
Now, I'll tell you what I'll
trade you for your carrot.
You can have plate number one,
plate number two or
plate number three.
What will it be?
Come on! Hey, come on!
I'll have plate number one.
Plate number one, and
let's see what Oscar's
plate number one...
A beautiful steak! Ooh!
Oh... In exchange for
his carrot. Thank you.
All right. Now me,
now me, now me!
Yes, yes. Now it's my turn.
All right, for your potato chip,
What am I gonna have? you
can have either plate number two
or plate number three.
Take two, take two.
Two, two, two, two, two, two.
Take two. Two.
Two it is for
Monty, which leaves
plate number
three for lucky Felix.
Let's just see what Felix
is going to get. A beautiful
steak for Felix And
now mine, mine, mine.
In exchange for his coleslaw.
All right! And now here is
plate number two for Monty.
Right, right, a very nice,
juicy... Canned squid.