The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 19 - My Strife in Court - full transcript
Felix is their lawyer in court after the Odd Couple is charged with ticket scalping.
Hey, Felix.
You're home early.
Boy, have I got a
surprise for you?
You wiped your feet?
Bigger than that.
I have four of
the hottest tickets
for the hottest
show on Broadway.
Free tonight!
You've got tickets
for Kiss My Face!
Yeah, you said it.
To that crazy musical?
That's fantastic!
How did you do it? Well, see...
People have been waiting a year
and a half for tickets to that show.
I got the theatre critic four tickets to
the Jets game and he got me these.
Oh, that's sensational!
Miriam's coming down
for dinner but this is better.
We'll go to the theater.
What'll I do with
my baked noodles?
Put 'em in a bag... we'll
take 'em to the theatre.
I'll freeze them.
Oh boy, I love the
score to that show.
♪ Kiss my nose ♪
♪ Kiss my toes... ♪
Is that this show?
Oh, yes, don't you love it?
Well, maybe I'll like it
better when they do it.
It's getting late.
Who's your date gonna be?
Now, that requires a
little thought, doesn't it?
Yeah. Not everybody appreciates
an evening in the theater.
You gotta figure who'll
get the most out of it, huh?
No, I gotta figure how I can get
the most out of it.
Felix, don't you understand?
This is a sure thing.
These are guaranteed
can't miss point scorers.
This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable!
A playwright struggles
for two years with his script.
Finally when he's
finished his masterpiece,
he slumps over the
typewriter exhausted and says,
"Good, now Oscar
Madison can score"!
So I can't let him down, huh?
Oscar, it's your life.
When did you give it back to me?
I'm going to go
tell Miriam upstairs.
Who you calling, Rhoda?
Rhoda? Are you kidding?
Rhoda's a last resort.
Hello, Phyllis, this is Oscar.
Listen, I just got
my hands on tickets
to the hottest show on
Broadway, Kiss My Face!
Yeah.
Now, the only one I
considered taking was you.
I mean you got the
style, you got the class,
you got the dresses...
yeah so you're the only
one I would consider taking!
Tonight.
You can't make it?
Oh, don't worry, I'll
get somebody else.
Hello, Rhoda?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Hello, Rhoda?
Oscar.
Oscar Madison.
How many Oscars do you know?
You know Oscar Homolka?
Wait a minute, listen, Rhoda,
I got great tickets tonight
for the hottest show on
Broadway, Kiss My Face
and you're the only
one I'd consider taking...
Yeah.
Oh, well, can't you postpone it?
Can't you push it back one day?
Oh, sure, okay.
And congratulations, I'm
sure you'll make a pretty bride.
Well, that's the whole book.
Now, I'm up to
weights and measures.
What are you doing?
Miriam's getting dressed.
Come on, come on, we
don't have much time.
Who's your date?
Oh, I'm not sure... you know.
We don't have any time now.
Come on, you better get one.
Well, you know,
Felix, I'm kind of bored
going out with the
same girls all the time.
You know, no spark, no interest.
I want to meet someone
new and exciting, you know.
Fine, that's fine, but
what about tonight?
Well, I figured I would go alone
and take the extra
ticket with me, you know.
Whatever life has in store
for me I'll be ready for it.
I'll meet it head-on.
You know what I mean?
You couldn't get a date?
What happened to
all your prospects?
Well, they couldn't make it.
Either they were sick
or they had something
they couldn't get out of.
Aw, I'm sorry. I really am.
What are you going to do now?
Like I said, I'll go alone and
I'll take the ticket with me.
What'll you do, turn
it in at the box office?
No. Maybe I'll find
a girl on the way.
Find a girl?
Yes.
You mean pick up a girl?
What's the matter with you?
Didn't you ever
pick up a girl before?
Yes, of course, in
occupied France.
So?
So, I don't want you
hanging out of the window of
the cab, banging on the door
and saying, "Hey, good
lookin', what's cookin'?"
Was that your line? Yeah.
All the other guys said,
"hubba-hubba", so I...
Felix, don't worry, I won't do
it in front of you and Miriam.
You go to the theater
and I'll meet you there.
What's the matter?
You think I can't
take a little humiliation
for a friend?
No matter how you plan
to make a fool of yourself,
your friend will go with you.
Go get dressed and let's go.
Okay, I'm dressed.
We'll meet you at the theater.
Oh, the overture's
about to start.
Wouldn't you know it,
he'd keep us waiting?
The only man... Oh, oh, isn't
that him across the street?
Where? Where?
Over there.
The one talking
to the meter maid.
Aw...
Finally. Finally.
Thank you for the tickets.
It's my pleasure. Let's go.
Well? Well, what?
You're alone. I know I'm alone.
Leave me alone.
What's the matter?
Didn't the meter
maid like musicals?
Nope.
Trying to pick up a meter maid.
I didn't try to pick her up.
She nailed me for jaywalking.
What are you going to
do with the extra seat?
Keep it between us.
Give it to me. What for?
Give it to me.
I'll distribute it to some
needy theatergoer.
You two go in and sit
down. Hurry up, Felix.
I'll be right with you.
Come on, to the left.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Are you alone? Yes.
Good, so is... Do you
want to see the show?
That's what I'm
standing in line for.
I have an extra ticket.
Oh, how much is it?
Well, it's $9.90, I'll
give you $15 for it.
You don't understand.
Okay, $20, but
that's as high as I go.
No, let me explain.
All right, $25!
$25?
Yes?
Put your money away, Miss.
Now, Miss, would you
mind waiting over there?
I'll be with you in a minute.
Okay, buddy, you're
comin' with me.
What? What?
I'm going inside to see
the show. Oh, no, no, no,
you're going to see
the police station.
Now, you have a
right to remain silent.
Now if you give up
the right... Why? Why?
You think I was
trying to pick...
No, no, I'm not a masher.
Yeah, I know.
Now, you have the
right to remain silent...
What is this?
Ticket scalping
is against the law.
Ticket scalping? I'm
not a ticket scalper.
I was trying to get a date
for my friend, Oscar Madison.
(overture playing) Who?
Oscar Madison. See,
there he is, he'll tell you!
The curtain's going up.
Did you get rid
of the ticket yet?
Mm-hmm. Are you
Oscar Madison? Yeah.
Is this your ticket? Yeah.
Okay, then the two of you.
Let's go. What is this?
Don't say anything.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Oscar, you haven't said a
word during this entire fiasco.
Come on.
Get it off your chest.
You'll feel better.
Nothing to get off.
It was an accident,
you couldn't help it.
I don't blame you.
Isn't that big of you
considering that
it was your fault.
What?
If you'd been
able to get a date,
this would never have happened.
All right, Felix, that's it.
Put 'em up!
Go ahead, Oscar,
hit me, I'm numb.
I stopped feeling
pain two hours ago!
The whole evening
in the police station.
Look at these hands.
I know, I was there.
I've never been so
humiliated in my whole life.
Riding in a paddy wagon.
And I had to stand
all the way downtown.
Nobody told you to offer
your seat to that lady.
She'd been on
her feet all evening.
You embarrassed me at
the police station. How?
By putting your
handkerchief over your face
like you were Al Capone.
I was ashamed.
In front of who?
The lady with the tired feet?
Fingerprinted... Like
common criminals.
They didn't even give us towels.
I had to wash my
hands in the water cooler.
How did you get
your hands clean?
I didn't.
A little baby I have
to take care of.
Look at that.
Look at that.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care.
Some over here, too.
It's a waste of time trying
to keep this house clean.
(doorbell ringing)
No, don't answer it!
It might be the police!
Is it the police?
It's Miriam.
It's not the police.
Miriam!
Why didn't you tell
me to call Miriam?
She's your date.
That's right, I forgot,
you didn't have a date.
Miriam... Hi. Remember me?
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
You'll never guess
what happened.
No, I heard about it. What? How?
I got worried.
I went out to the
lobby at intermission
and-and everybody
was talking about it.
What happened, Oscar?
(growls)
Somebody tell me something.
It all started when Oscar
couldn't get a date...
She knows that part!
Tell her what happened when
they tried to take our pictures.
He spent a half hour rearranging
the lights for the police.
You'd have looked ten
years older if I hadn't.
I'm sorry if you
missed any of the show.
Oh, I didn't.
It, it, it was just fabulous.
And at the end, the entire
cast came out on the stage.
Yeah? And they sang
♪ Kiss my nose, kiss my toes ♪
♪ Kiss my... ♪
Oh, it was just fantastic.
You went back in to
see the rest of the show?
Well, there wasn't
anything I could do,
so after I'd heard
you'd been arrested,
I saw the rest of the show.
I'd have been too upset
to go back in and
enjoy the show.
Well, I was too
upset to enjoy it.
You just said that
it was fabulous.
Well, I-I-I knew it was good
because everyone
else was applauding.
Good, Miriam.
She's too fast for you.
Would you please tell me what
happened at the police station.
Nothing happened. How come?
Felix refused to
go to night court.
He made them set a trial date.
We have to go back in two weeks.
We need time to
prepare our defense!
I'm not taking this lying down.
Felix, if we go to court
we have to get a lawyer.
That costs money.
Do you know how much
they charge for a day in court?
We don't need a lawyer.
I'm handling this case
and we'll plead "Not Guilty".
Oh, boy.
Where are you going?
To get some butter. What for?
To go with the bread and water.
What are you worried about?
I got an air...
Mr. Price! Mr. Price!
He's a reporter on the Journal.
What's he doing here?
I called him in. I
called in all the press.
I want complete coverage.
Hello, Madison.
Hi, Harry.
You getting all this? You bet.
It's going to be a good story.
Oh, listen, Harry...
Isn't this terrific?
Let the whole world see
our fight against injustice.
I welcome publicity.
Well, you're going
to get a lot of it.
He has a large
circulation. Felix, this is bad.
What are you worried about?
I've got key witnesses lined up.
We're going to blast
this case wide open.
You'll see, you'll see.
All rise.
Mr., uh, Unger.
Here, sir.
Will you call your
first witness, please?
Thank you, Your Honor.
If it please the Court,
I should like to call to the
stand Officer Murray Greshler.
That's your key witness?
(hushed): Character witness.
Why are you carrying
your briefcase?
What, what, what?
Oh, give it to me,
Clarence Darrow.
Hi, Your Honor.
How are ya, Murray?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
How was the vacation?
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
Where'd you go?
Detroit.
Why Detroit?
Well, we're sick of Cleveland.
Your Honor?
How's the wife? Fine.
May I proceed?
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Officer Greshler,
how long have you
known the co-defendants?
Oh, let me see. I
met them in 1964.
'64. You've known
them a long time.
Oh, sure, sure.
And how would you
describe Oscar Madison?
Male Caucasian, 165 pounds,
five-foot ten and a half,
No... blue eyes.
I want your opinion
of Mr. Madison.
A great guy.
Quite a character.
What do you mean?
You mean, you mean
he has a great character?
Judge, you ought
to see his room.
(laughing)
Unbelievable!
Officer Greshler, would
you say that Mr. Madison's
the kind of man who would
scalp a ticket for $25.00?
Heck, no.
He needs a lot more than that.
What a character.
You may step down.
He never has a
dime in his pocket.
You may step down now.
He's always in debt up to here.
Step down. Step down?
Don't you want me
to tell him about...?
You may step down,
Officer Greshler.
Stepping down.
Your Honor, I move
that Officer Greshler's
complete testimony
be stricken from the record.
JUDGE: Oh, that's all right.
Call your next witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
If it please the Court,
I shall call to the
stand Miss Beth Olam.
Don't be nervous, my dear.
Is this another
beautiful key witness?
Miss Olam, do you remember me?
Oh, yes, you're
the ticket scalper.
I object.
Sustained.
"Alleged" ticket scalper.
Thank you, Your
Honor. Your Honor,
it is the contention
of the defense
that in their trafficking
with the witness,
the co-defendants had
not one iota of avarice,
not one scintilla of
cupidity for fiscal increment.
Mr. Unger, could you
talk faster or smaller?
Objection sustained.
We didn't want to
make any money.
Thank you.
Now, Miss Olam, stop
me if anything I say
is different from what occurred
that night at the theatre.
All right.
I said, "Hi, there.
Would you like to see the show?"
That's what he said.
"I have an extra ticket."
He said that, too.
And what did you say?
I said, "How much is it?"
That's what she said.
I believe it. Get on with it!
You're hearing this?
Can I help it?
And when I told
you how much it was,
what did you do?
I offered you $15 for it.
And did I take it?
No, you held out for more.
Did I ask you
for more money? Well...
Ah-ah-ah! Now think hard.
Your answer is very important.
Well, not exactly.
You hear? You hear? Not exactly.
What do you mean, not exactly?
Well, I mean, I just
assumed that this man...
Did, did you say you assumed?
Yes.
Your Honor, may defense
counsel use that blackboard?
Yes.
Thank you, Your
Honor. Miss Olam,
you should never assume
because when you assume,
you make an ass of you and me.
That's very good.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Miss Olam.
You may step down.
Mr. Prosecutor, your witness.
No further questions.
Hey, you were great!
You wanna handle
my jaywalking ticket?
Well, that puts
things in a new light.
If you'll excuse me,
I'll retire and
render a verdict.
But just one moment, I
didn't say, "Defense rests."
I'm not through.
Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not.
I am rolling, boy!
Your Honor, I intend to
prove beyond a shadow...
Sit down, Your Honor, sit down.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
that there was never any
intention to sell this ticket,
and to that end, I should
like to call to the witness stand
my key witness
and co-defendant...
And incidentally, a heck
of a guy... Oscar Madison.
Take the stand.
What are you doing?
Take the stand.
Mr. Unger, this man
is a co-defendant.
Anything he says will
be judged in that light.
Why don't you allow Miss Olam's
testimony to speak for itself?
Is the bench cognizant of
the import of its remarks?
Do you think Mr. Oscar
Madison would lie?
He's a reputable man.
Proceed!
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, Mr. Madison,
state your name, please.
Oscar Madison.
Famous sportswriter.
Now, Mr. Madison, would you
tell the Court in your own words,
of course, exactly
what transpired
on the aforementioned evening
in connection with the alleged
scalping of the alleged ticket?
I had this extra ticket
and my roommate
Felix Unger said,
"Why don't we return
it to the box office?"
Which he did.
Now, he didn't come
back to the seat.
I went out to the lobby to
see what was happening.
He was being arrested.
Next thing I knew, I
was being arrested, too.
And...?
And what?
You're leaving out
the most important part.
What's the most important part?
Mr. Unger, we'd
all like to hear.
Tell them how you
couldn't get a date.
Felix! Yes.
Mr. Madison, will
you tell the Court
why there was an extra ticket?
Can I object?
No.
Only your lawyer can object.
Answer the question,
Mr. Madison.
I refuse to answer the
question on the grounds...
I don't want to
answer the question.
You're ruining my defense!
Well, okay, you're
going to ruin my life...!
Answer, Mr. Madison.
I have killers patiently
waiting their turn.
I had an extra ticket
'cause I couldn't get a date.
A little louder, please.
What's that? I
didn't get the answer.
I couldn't get a date.
Ah. And how hard did you try?
I tried very hard.
How many girls did you call?
(softly): Seven.
We didn't hear you,
Mr. Madison. What?
Seven! Seven! Seven!
You count 'em. Seven!
Are those the acts of a man
who would scalp a ticket?
Defense rests!
Seven! Lead story!
Come on, will you?
I want to take a minute
to decide this case,
and then I want to
take another minute
to see if I still
want to be a judge.
Hey, Oscar, it looks real good.
I'm sure glad I was
able to help you.
Look at that face.
What are you worried about?
This is in the bag, baby!
You're going to walk
out of here a free man.
All rise.
I've reached a decision.
In the case of The City of New
York v. Unger and Madison,
I find the
defendants not guilty.
How about that?
Satisfied?
No, I'm humiliated.
Do you realize what
happened to me
in this courtroom today?
Do you?
You're right, you're
absolutely right.
Your Honor,
"Not Guilty" is
all well and good,
but it hardly makes
up to Mr. Madison
for the humiliation he suffered.
I, uh, I would suggest
that an apology is in order.
So, go ahead, apologize.
I'm not the one who
accused him of being a liar.
I think a big man
would apologize.
Felix, let's go home, please.
Mr. Unger, we have two choices:
"Guilty" or "Not Guilty".
Justice has a short menu.
I'm waiting for an apology.
All right, I apologize.
I'm sorry you're not guilty.
Mr. Unger, you're
getting on my nerves.
Let's leave personalities
out of this, shall we?
Mr. Unger, my mother
didn't scrub floors
to send me to law
school to listen to this.
I'm fining you and your client
a hundred dollars
for contempt of court.
You think that scares us?
Us! Us! Again us!
Your Honor, may I
speak for myself, please?
Any other voice
would be refreshing.
May I put this man on the stand?
I'd love it.
Take the stand, take the stand.
I want to prove to
the witness that he...
You mean to the Court.
See? Buttinski. No, I
mean to the witness.
How messy it is back here.
Forget the mess!
I want to prove to the witness
that he's responsible for this
and he owes us all an apology.
If you could do that,
I'll cancel the fine.
You got a bet.
Mr. Unger, when you
went to grammar school,
what was your nickname?
I, I don't see...
Answer the question, please.
(quietly): Felix "the pest".
Huh? I didn't hear you. Louder.
Felix the pest.
And what did your high
school yearbook say about you?
I was voted the boy
"Most likely to interrupt."
And when you went to
a marriage counselor,
what happened?
He kicked me out of his office.
And?
He wrote on my chart "lunatic".
And what were
the specific grounds
for your divorce that
set a legal precedent
in the State of New York?
"Pestiness." My wife swore
under oath I was a pest.
Defense rests.
And she was right.
She's a wonderful
woman, Your Honor.
I don't know why
I do these things.
I drive everybody
crazy. He's right.
I, I know I bothered the Court,
I bothered the bailiff.
I kept killers waiting.
I always think I'm helping.
I never seem to
do the right thing.
(voice breaking): I
never learn... I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'll suspend the fine if
you'll get out of here.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Your Honor, you're a
very understanding man
and I just want you
to know I appreciate it.
You're very long-suffering
and very forbearing.
That's all right.
Just one thing.
You have a tendency
to mumble when you talk.
You're the judge.
Exert your authority.
Speak up.
Get him out of here!
Felix, would you
get out of here?!
You're home early.
Boy, have I got a
surprise for you?
You wiped your feet?
Bigger than that.
I have four of
the hottest tickets
for the hottest
show on Broadway.
Free tonight!
You've got tickets
for Kiss My Face!
Yeah, you said it.
To that crazy musical?
That's fantastic!
How did you do it? Well, see...
People have been waiting a year
and a half for tickets to that show.
I got the theatre critic four tickets to
the Jets game and he got me these.
Oh, that's sensational!
Miriam's coming down
for dinner but this is better.
We'll go to the theater.
What'll I do with
my baked noodles?
Put 'em in a bag... we'll
take 'em to the theatre.
I'll freeze them.
Oh boy, I love the
score to that show.
♪ Kiss my nose ♪
♪ Kiss my toes... ♪
Is that this show?
Oh, yes, don't you love it?
Well, maybe I'll like it
better when they do it.
It's getting late.
Who's your date gonna be?
Now, that requires a
little thought, doesn't it?
Yeah. Not everybody appreciates
an evening in the theater.
You gotta figure who'll
get the most out of it, huh?
No, I gotta figure how I can get
the most out of it.
Felix, don't you understand?
This is a sure thing.
These are guaranteed
can't miss point scorers.
This is unbelievable.
Unbelievable!
A playwright struggles
for two years with his script.
Finally when he's
finished his masterpiece,
he slumps over the
typewriter exhausted and says,
"Good, now Oscar
Madison can score"!
So I can't let him down, huh?
Oscar, it's your life.
When did you give it back to me?
I'm going to go
tell Miriam upstairs.
Who you calling, Rhoda?
Rhoda? Are you kidding?
Rhoda's a last resort.
Hello, Phyllis, this is Oscar.
Listen, I just got
my hands on tickets
to the hottest show on
Broadway, Kiss My Face!
Yeah.
Now, the only one I
considered taking was you.
I mean you got the
style, you got the class,
you got the dresses...
yeah so you're the only
one I would consider taking!
Tonight.
You can't make it?
Oh, don't worry, I'll
get somebody else.
Hello, Rhoda?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Hello, Rhoda?
Oscar.
Oscar Madison.
How many Oscars do you know?
You know Oscar Homolka?
Wait a minute, listen, Rhoda,
I got great tickets tonight
for the hottest show on
Broadway, Kiss My Face
and you're the only
one I'd consider taking...
Yeah.
Oh, well, can't you postpone it?
Can't you push it back one day?
Oh, sure, okay.
And congratulations, I'm
sure you'll make a pretty bride.
Well, that's the whole book.
Now, I'm up to
weights and measures.
What are you doing?
Miriam's getting dressed.
Come on, come on, we
don't have much time.
Who's your date?
Oh, I'm not sure... you know.
We don't have any time now.
Come on, you better get one.
Well, you know,
Felix, I'm kind of bored
going out with the
same girls all the time.
You know, no spark, no interest.
I want to meet someone
new and exciting, you know.
Fine, that's fine, but
what about tonight?
Well, I figured I would go alone
and take the extra
ticket with me, you know.
Whatever life has in store
for me I'll be ready for it.
I'll meet it head-on.
You know what I mean?
You couldn't get a date?
What happened to
all your prospects?
Well, they couldn't make it.
Either they were sick
or they had something
they couldn't get out of.
Aw, I'm sorry. I really am.
What are you going to do now?
Like I said, I'll go alone and
I'll take the ticket with me.
What'll you do, turn
it in at the box office?
No. Maybe I'll find
a girl on the way.
Find a girl?
Yes.
You mean pick up a girl?
What's the matter with you?
Didn't you ever
pick up a girl before?
Yes, of course, in
occupied France.
So?
So, I don't want you
hanging out of the window of
the cab, banging on the door
and saying, "Hey, good
lookin', what's cookin'?"
Was that your line? Yeah.
All the other guys said,
"hubba-hubba", so I...
Felix, don't worry, I won't do
it in front of you and Miriam.
You go to the theater
and I'll meet you there.
What's the matter?
You think I can't
take a little humiliation
for a friend?
No matter how you plan
to make a fool of yourself,
your friend will go with you.
Go get dressed and let's go.
Okay, I'm dressed.
We'll meet you at the theater.
Oh, the overture's
about to start.
Wouldn't you know it,
he'd keep us waiting?
The only man... Oh, oh, isn't
that him across the street?
Where? Where?
Over there.
The one talking
to the meter maid.
Aw...
Finally. Finally.
Thank you for the tickets.
It's my pleasure. Let's go.
Well? Well, what?
You're alone. I know I'm alone.
Leave me alone.
What's the matter?
Didn't the meter
maid like musicals?
Nope.
Trying to pick up a meter maid.
I didn't try to pick her up.
She nailed me for jaywalking.
What are you going to
do with the extra seat?
Keep it between us.
Give it to me. What for?
Give it to me.
I'll distribute it to some
needy theatergoer.
You two go in and sit
down. Hurry up, Felix.
I'll be right with you.
Come on, to the left.
Excuse me.
Yes.
Are you alone? Yes.
Good, so is... Do you
want to see the show?
That's what I'm
standing in line for.
I have an extra ticket.
Oh, how much is it?
Well, it's $9.90, I'll
give you $15 for it.
You don't understand.
Okay, $20, but
that's as high as I go.
No, let me explain.
All right, $25!
$25?
Yes?
Put your money away, Miss.
Now, Miss, would you
mind waiting over there?
I'll be with you in a minute.
Okay, buddy, you're
comin' with me.
What? What?
I'm going inside to see
the show. Oh, no, no, no,
you're going to see
the police station.
Now, you have a
right to remain silent.
Now if you give up
the right... Why? Why?
You think I was
trying to pick...
No, no, I'm not a masher.
Yeah, I know.
Now, you have the
right to remain silent...
What is this?
Ticket scalping
is against the law.
Ticket scalping? I'm
not a ticket scalper.
I was trying to get a date
for my friend, Oscar Madison.
(overture playing) Who?
Oscar Madison. See,
there he is, he'll tell you!
The curtain's going up.
Did you get rid
of the ticket yet?
Mm-hmm. Are you
Oscar Madison? Yeah.
Is this your ticket? Yeah.
Okay, then the two of you.
Let's go. What is this?
Don't say anything.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Oscar, you haven't said a
word during this entire fiasco.
Come on.
Get it off your chest.
You'll feel better.
Nothing to get off.
It was an accident,
you couldn't help it.
I don't blame you.
Isn't that big of you
considering that
it was your fault.
What?
If you'd been
able to get a date,
this would never have happened.
All right, Felix, that's it.
Put 'em up!
Go ahead, Oscar,
hit me, I'm numb.
I stopped feeling
pain two hours ago!
The whole evening
in the police station.
Look at these hands.
I know, I was there.
I've never been so
humiliated in my whole life.
Riding in a paddy wagon.
And I had to stand
all the way downtown.
Nobody told you to offer
your seat to that lady.
She'd been on
her feet all evening.
You embarrassed me at
the police station. How?
By putting your
handkerchief over your face
like you were Al Capone.
I was ashamed.
In front of who?
The lady with the tired feet?
Fingerprinted... Like
common criminals.
They didn't even give us towels.
I had to wash my
hands in the water cooler.
How did you get
your hands clean?
I didn't.
A little baby I have
to take care of.
Look at that.
Look at that.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care.
Some over here, too.
It's a waste of time trying
to keep this house clean.
(doorbell ringing)
No, don't answer it!
It might be the police!
Is it the police?
It's Miriam.
It's not the police.
Miriam!
Why didn't you tell
me to call Miriam?
She's your date.
That's right, I forgot,
you didn't have a date.
Miriam... Hi. Remember me?
I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
You'll never guess
what happened.
No, I heard about it. What? How?
I got worried.
I went out to the
lobby at intermission
and-and everybody
was talking about it.
What happened, Oscar?
(growls)
Somebody tell me something.
It all started when Oscar
couldn't get a date...
She knows that part!
Tell her what happened when
they tried to take our pictures.
He spent a half hour rearranging
the lights for the police.
You'd have looked ten
years older if I hadn't.
I'm sorry if you
missed any of the show.
Oh, I didn't.
It, it, it was just fabulous.
And at the end, the entire
cast came out on the stage.
Yeah? And they sang
♪ Kiss my nose, kiss my toes ♪
♪ Kiss my... ♪
Oh, it was just fantastic.
You went back in to
see the rest of the show?
Well, there wasn't
anything I could do,
so after I'd heard
you'd been arrested,
I saw the rest of the show.
I'd have been too upset
to go back in and
enjoy the show.
Well, I was too
upset to enjoy it.
You just said that
it was fabulous.
Well, I-I-I knew it was good
because everyone
else was applauding.
Good, Miriam.
She's too fast for you.
Would you please tell me what
happened at the police station.
Nothing happened. How come?
Felix refused to
go to night court.
He made them set a trial date.
We have to go back in two weeks.
We need time to
prepare our defense!
I'm not taking this lying down.
Felix, if we go to court
we have to get a lawyer.
That costs money.
Do you know how much
they charge for a day in court?
We don't need a lawyer.
I'm handling this case
and we'll plead "Not Guilty".
Oh, boy.
Where are you going?
To get some butter. What for?
To go with the bread and water.
What are you worried about?
I got an air...
Mr. Price! Mr. Price!
He's a reporter on the Journal.
What's he doing here?
I called him in. I
called in all the press.
I want complete coverage.
Hello, Madison.
Hi, Harry.
You getting all this? You bet.
It's going to be a good story.
Oh, listen, Harry...
Isn't this terrific?
Let the whole world see
our fight against injustice.
I welcome publicity.
Well, you're going
to get a lot of it.
He has a large
circulation. Felix, this is bad.
What are you worried about?
I've got key witnesses lined up.
We're going to blast
this case wide open.
You'll see, you'll see.
All rise.
Mr., uh, Unger.
Here, sir.
Will you call your
first witness, please?
Thank you, Your Honor.
If it please the Court,
I should like to call to the
stand Officer Murray Greshler.
That's your key witness?
(hushed): Character witness.
Why are you carrying
your briefcase?
What, what, what?
Oh, give it to me,
Clarence Darrow.
Hi, Your Honor.
How are ya, Murray?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
How was the vacation?
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
Where'd you go?
Detroit.
Why Detroit?
Well, we're sick of Cleveland.
Your Honor?
How's the wife? Fine.
May I proceed?
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Officer Greshler,
how long have you
known the co-defendants?
Oh, let me see. I
met them in 1964.
'64. You've known
them a long time.
Oh, sure, sure.
And how would you
describe Oscar Madison?
Male Caucasian, 165 pounds,
five-foot ten and a half,
No... blue eyes.
I want your opinion
of Mr. Madison.
A great guy.
Quite a character.
What do you mean?
You mean, you mean
he has a great character?
Judge, you ought
to see his room.
(laughing)
Unbelievable!
Officer Greshler, would
you say that Mr. Madison's
the kind of man who would
scalp a ticket for $25.00?
Heck, no.
He needs a lot more than that.
What a character.
You may step down.
He never has a
dime in his pocket.
You may step down now.
He's always in debt up to here.
Step down. Step down?
Don't you want me
to tell him about...?
You may step down,
Officer Greshler.
Stepping down.
Your Honor, I move
that Officer Greshler's
complete testimony
be stricken from the record.
JUDGE: Oh, that's all right.
Call your next witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
If it please the Court,
I shall call to the
stand Miss Beth Olam.
Don't be nervous, my dear.
Is this another
beautiful key witness?
Miss Olam, do you remember me?
Oh, yes, you're
the ticket scalper.
I object.
Sustained.
"Alleged" ticket scalper.
Thank you, Your
Honor. Your Honor,
it is the contention
of the defense
that in their trafficking
with the witness,
the co-defendants had
not one iota of avarice,
not one scintilla of
cupidity for fiscal increment.
Mr. Unger, could you
talk faster or smaller?
Objection sustained.
We didn't want to
make any money.
Thank you.
Now, Miss Olam, stop
me if anything I say
is different from what occurred
that night at the theatre.
All right.
I said, "Hi, there.
Would you like to see the show?"
That's what he said.
"I have an extra ticket."
He said that, too.
And what did you say?
I said, "How much is it?"
That's what she said.
I believe it. Get on with it!
You're hearing this?
Can I help it?
And when I told
you how much it was,
what did you do?
I offered you $15 for it.
And did I take it?
No, you held out for more.
Did I ask you
for more money? Well...
Ah-ah-ah! Now think hard.
Your answer is very important.
Well, not exactly.
You hear? You hear? Not exactly.
What do you mean, not exactly?
Well, I mean, I just
assumed that this man...
Did, did you say you assumed?
Yes.
Your Honor, may defense
counsel use that blackboard?
Yes.
Thank you, Your
Honor. Miss Olam,
you should never assume
because when you assume,
you make an ass of you and me.
That's very good.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you, Miss Olam.
You may step down.
Mr. Prosecutor, your witness.
No further questions.
Hey, you were great!
You wanna handle
my jaywalking ticket?
Well, that puts
things in a new light.
If you'll excuse me,
I'll retire and
render a verdict.
But just one moment, I
didn't say, "Defense rests."
I'm not through.
Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not.
I am rolling, boy!
Your Honor, I intend to
prove beyond a shadow...
Sit down, Your Honor, sit down.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
that there was never any
intention to sell this ticket,
and to that end, I should
like to call to the witness stand
my key witness
and co-defendant...
And incidentally, a heck
of a guy... Oscar Madison.
Take the stand.
What are you doing?
Take the stand.
Mr. Unger, this man
is a co-defendant.
Anything he says will
be judged in that light.
Why don't you allow Miss Olam's
testimony to speak for itself?
Is the bench cognizant of
the import of its remarks?
Do you think Mr. Oscar
Madison would lie?
He's a reputable man.
Proceed!
Thank you, Your Honor.
Now, Mr. Madison,
state your name, please.
Oscar Madison.
Famous sportswriter.
Now, Mr. Madison, would you
tell the Court in your own words,
of course, exactly
what transpired
on the aforementioned evening
in connection with the alleged
scalping of the alleged ticket?
I had this extra ticket
and my roommate
Felix Unger said,
"Why don't we return
it to the box office?"
Which he did.
Now, he didn't come
back to the seat.
I went out to the lobby to
see what was happening.
He was being arrested.
Next thing I knew, I
was being arrested, too.
And...?
And what?
You're leaving out
the most important part.
What's the most important part?
Mr. Unger, we'd
all like to hear.
Tell them how you
couldn't get a date.
Felix! Yes.
Mr. Madison, will
you tell the Court
why there was an extra ticket?
Can I object?
No.
Only your lawyer can object.
Answer the question,
Mr. Madison.
I refuse to answer the
question on the grounds...
I don't want to
answer the question.
You're ruining my defense!
Well, okay, you're
going to ruin my life...!
Answer, Mr. Madison.
I have killers patiently
waiting their turn.
I had an extra ticket
'cause I couldn't get a date.
A little louder, please.
What's that? I
didn't get the answer.
I couldn't get a date.
Ah. And how hard did you try?
I tried very hard.
How many girls did you call?
(softly): Seven.
We didn't hear you,
Mr. Madison. What?
Seven! Seven! Seven!
You count 'em. Seven!
Are those the acts of a man
who would scalp a ticket?
Defense rests!
Seven! Lead story!
Come on, will you?
I want to take a minute
to decide this case,
and then I want to
take another minute
to see if I still
want to be a judge.
Hey, Oscar, it looks real good.
I'm sure glad I was
able to help you.
Look at that face.
What are you worried about?
This is in the bag, baby!
You're going to walk
out of here a free man.
All rise.
I've reached a decision.
In the case of The City of New
York v. Unger and Madison,
I find the
defendants not guilty.
How about that?
Satisfied?
No, I'm humiliated.
Do you realize what
happened to me
in this courtroom today?
Do you?
You're right, you're
absolutely right.
Your Honor,
"Not Guilty" is
all well and good,
but it hardly makes
up to Mr. Madison
for the humiliation he suffered.
I, uh, I would suggest
that an apology is in order.
So, go ahead, apologize.
I'm not the one who
accused him of being a liar.
I think a big man
would apologize.
Felix, let's go home, please.
Mr. Unger, we have two choices:
"Guilty" or "Not Guilty".
Justice has a short menu.
I'm waiting for an apology.
All right, I apologize.
I'm sorry you're not guilty.
Mr. Unger, you're
getting on my nerves.
Let's leave personalities
out of this, shall we?
Mr. Unger, my mother
didn't scrub floors
to send me to law
school to listen to this.
I'm fining you and your client
a hundred dollars
for contempt of court.
You think that scares us?
Us! Us! Again us!
Your Honor, may I
speak for myself, please?
Any other voice
would be refreshing.
May I put this man on the stand?
I'd love it.
Take the stand, take the stand.
I want to prove to
the witness that he...
You mean to the Court.
See? Buttinski. No, I
mean to the witness.
How messy it is back here.
Forget the mess!
I want to prove to the witness
that he's responsible for this
and he owes us all an apology.
If you could do that,
I'll cancel the fine.
You got a bet.
Mr. Unger, when you
went to grammar school,
what was your nickname?
I, I don't see...
Answer the question, please.
(quietly): Felix "the pest".
Huh? I didn't hear you. Louder.
Felix the pest.
And what did your high
school yearbook say about you?
I was voted the boy
"Most likely to interrupt."
And when you went to
a marriage counselor,
what happened?
He kicked me out of his office.
And?
He wrote on my chart "lunatic".
And what were
the specific grounds
for your divorce that
set a legal precedent
in the State of New York?
"Pestiness." My wife swore
under oath I was a pest.
Defense rests.
And she was right.
She's a wonderful
woman, Your Honor.
I don't know why
I do these things.
I drive everybody
crazy. He's right.
I, I know I bothered the Court,
I bothered the bailiff.
I kept killers waiting.
I always think I'm helping.
I never seem to
do the right thing.
(voice breaking): I
never learn... I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.
I'll suspend the fine if
you'll get out of here.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Your Honor, you're a
very understanding man
and I just want you
to know I appreciate it.
You're very long-suffering
and very forbearing.
That's all right.
Just one thing.
You have a tendency
to mumble when you talk.
You're the judge.
Exert your authority.
Speak up.
Get him out of here!
Felix, would you
get out of here?!