The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Hustler - full transcript
Felix needs Oscar to win money in a pool game so he can get the money for the costumes for his opera group.
All right, now,
all those in favor
of the Lexington Avenue
Opera Club starting our season
with Madame Butterfly again
kindly signify by saying "aye."
Aye. Aye. Aye.
Those opposed? It's unanimous.
We're going to have
Madame Butterfly.
Great, oh, great... now,
what we do first: Henry,
talk to the man who rented us
the kimonos and wigs last year,
but tell him this time he's
going to have to
wait for his money.
Don't you have the money yet?
I... I have it, don't
worry about it.
As soon as I talk to
Oscar, I'll have the money.
Last year, my wig didn't fit.
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
I had a headache all
through the second act.
You won't have a headache.
We'll make your wig fit.
Look who's here! Mr. Madison!
Hi, everybody.
♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪
♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪
ALL: ♪ Hello, Oscar! ♪
I want... I want to talk to you.
Help yourselves. I made
you some finger sandwiches.
Hey, buddy...
What's with the
singing telegram?
That's my opera group.
They like you!
Everybody likes you.
All right, Felix,
what do you want?
What do you mean,
what do I want?
I just want to talk to you.
Not now. I'm not in the mood.
What's the matter?
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Why, of course I would, buddy.
What happened?
I got kicked out
of the pool room.
Not much left after you've
been kicked out of a
pool room, is there?
Well, I've been
shooting so good lately,
they're beginning
to call me a hustler.
Are you? No.
And I was counting on winning
enough money to pay my bills.
You're really something.
You... you love to
gamble, don't you?
Don't nag me now, will ya?
I'm not nagging
you. It's healthy.
You enjoy it.
It's a good outlet.
It's perfectly normal.
It's a good outlet?!
You ought to quit the opera
club... too many high notes.
I'm not kidding.
You... You're an expert
on gambling, aren't you?
On gambling, yeah.
Not on winning.
Yeah, but you know odds.
You know the games.
You know all those things.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the savior
of the Lexington Avenue
Opera Club, Oscar Madison!
(group singing a
high note, applauding)
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(all talking at once)
Meeting adjourned.
Meeting adjourned,
I'll see you...
You'll find out.
You'll find out.
You won't have any
trouble, will you, Felix?
Don't worry, just let
me talk to him alone.
Everything's going to be all
right. You will check on my wig?
FELIX: Don't worry
about your wig, Vivian.
Oscar? No.
I didn't say anything.
Why do you say "no"?
Let's start with "no,"
we'll work from there.
My opera club is
in desperate trouble.
I know, I've heard them sing.
(laughs)
That's a goody.
You're some
character, you really are.
You made yourself a sandwich
and now you've got
my finger sandwiches?
Yeah, they're going
to be for dessert.
(laughs)
You know, the opera club
has been operating for
several years at a steady loss.
So have I.
You know, every year, we
run a fund-raising event...
All right, how
much are the tickets
and what is the make of the car?
We're not going to
have some corny raffle.
That's for Easter.
Now what we're
going to do this year...
we're going to have
a Monte Carlo Night.
Gambling for the sake
of the opera. Good.
Go ahead, it's
all right with me.
Well, there's only
one... one problem.
We don't know
much about gambling.
What's to know?
You call your bookie
and then, later,
you send him a check.
Hmm, running a Monte
Carlo Night's a lot more
complicated than that.
All right, Felix, what
do you want from me?
Put that down!
Not back in there after
it's been in your mouth!
All right, here's
what I want you to do.
You'd know where to
rent gambling equipment.
We don't know that and you
could get it at the right price.
Then, teach our members
how to operate the equipment.
Then, set the odds so
we make a lot of money.
Then, spread the word
around so we'll have
a lot of people there gambling.
Then, on the night of the event,
you run everything. Mm-hmm.
Can you do that? Sure.
Just let me step into
a telephone booth,
change into my cape,
break a date with Lois Lane
and I'll be right out.
I know it's a lot of
work, but you've,
you've run gambling
nights before.
Yeah, in Vinnie's garage.
I brought the
equipment in my pocket.
Are you trying to say
you don't want to help me?
Felix, I'm trying to tell
you that I can't help you.
I don't have the time.
I would if I could, but
honest, I really can't... honest.
Swell punch.
All right.
We won't have a Monte
Carlo Night, that's all.
No law says we have to.
No law says we
have to have an opera.
We lived without
penicillin all these years,
we'll live without this.
Oh, I'm sure somebody
in the club knows
someone who could handle it.
They don't know
anybody like that.
They're all decent people.
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean wha...
Aw, come on, do it, please.
It'll be so much fun.
On the night of the event,
we'll have a special ad
featuring your
picture in the program.
"Thanks to Oscar
Madison, without whom,
"our production of
Madame Butterfly
would have been Madame Moth."
You set the odds.
You know, I did
have a dream once
that I was Humphrey Bogart
and I was running a casino.
(imitating Bogart): Everybody
came to see Rick, see.
Yeah. That would be nice.
And this time, all the
money goes to the opera.
In the dream, I got all the
money and Ingrid Bergman.
Come on, you'll
do it, won't you?
Please? All right, yes.
I knew you would!
I knew you would.
Grazie. Mille grazie!
(imitating Bogart):
Hasta la vista.
Faites vos jeux,
mesdames et messieurs.
Faites vos jeux.
C'est demi faites
vos jeux, ah...
Three red!
Trois rouge. Ah, nobody wins.
Quel dommage. Quel dommage.
What are you doing, Felix?
A little atmosphere. Atmosphere.
(French accent): And here
we have the wheel of fortune.
Around, around she goes,
and where she stops...
Que sera sera.
And what have we here?
(normal voice): What do you
call this thing? Chuck-a-luck.
(French accent): This is a
Chuck-a-luck, mesdames et messieurs.
Faites vos jeux.
Oh, and you are in
the sewer, too bad.
Maybe you are lucky
in love, monsieur, eh?
Felix, when people
are losing they don't like
to be laughed at,
especially in two languages.
It's the only game in town.
What a crowd!
You did such a great job.
Where'd you get
all these people?
It was easy, I told my
bookie about it, he did the rest.
You mean, these are...
some of these are
professional gamblers?
Yeah. Oh, no!
Oh, no!
How could you do that
to me? What's the matter?
Because professional
gamblers know how to win.
I want people
who lose, like you.
Professional gamblers
spend a lot of money
at places like this,
not like those piccolo
players you invited.
Besides, you're winning.
Am I? Oh, the club's way ahead.
Are we really? Yeah.
Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah,
but Felix, listen! Whoa!
What? I think we ought to close.
Why? We said
we'd close at 12:00.
Let's not get
greedy. It's 12:00.
No, no, but you
said we're winning.
We're getting ahead.
Yeah, but Felix, listen...
You said the odds are
with the house, didn't you?
If we make more money, then we
can put on two operas this year...
Yeah, but the odds
can turn on you.
How can they turn when
the odds are with the house?
I've seen it happen
a million times.
Eleven, a winner! Pay the man.
A million and one times.
Let it ride.
Game's closed! Game closed!
You can't close the game
now; I've got a bet on the table.
Oui, monsieur.
But he's got it all on one
number. He's allowed.
Listen, I'm the house.
You could lose your
shirt on this game.
Why don't you spread
it around, make it last?
Let it ride. Spin the wheel.
I'm the house and it's my ball.
Everybody go home.
I said let it ride.
Can't, there's no ball.
Then we'll use your eye.
Every cent.
We lost every cent.
Not only what we took
in, but what we started out.
We're wiped out!
I'm sorry, Felix. You're sorry!
That's all you can say?
We're ruined!
I'm ruined! They'll
never talk to me again.
I blame you!
You blame me?!
Yes, bringing in
professional gamblers,
playing numbers
nobody ever heard of.
Eleven!
And that ball was tricky, too.
It tasted funny.
Felix, those are the breaks.
That's why they
call it gambling.
Anyway, it's your
fault. My fault?
I said to close at
12:00. You got greedy.
You're the one who blew it!
There's no sense in pointing
the accusing finger
of blame at anybody.
The point is, what are
we going to do now?
There's nothing you can do now.
Arnold won the money honestly.
Arnold? Yeah.
You know him?
Yeah, I've known him a
long time, you kidding?
(humming)
Put the twenties over here.
And put the tens over there.
What have you got there?
And some singles here.
Where'd you get all that money?
From Arnold, he owed it to me.
What?! Yeah.
Owed it to me
since the year one.
The "let it ride" guy
owed you money?
That's my Arnold.
Well, that's wonderful.
Oh, don't touch
the money, Felix.
What a break! You're touching.
I told you not to touch it.
But now the Opera
Club gets its money back.
Yay!
I don't think I heard you.
We're saved.
We get our money back.
Now I know I didn't hear you.
Surely, you're not thinking
of keeping that money.
Why not? It's my money.
No, it's not.
It belongs to the opera club.
How do you figure that?
Well, Arnold got it from
us, you got it from him.
You give it back to us,
then everybody's even.
That can't be right. See,
I'd be out all this money.
No, you wouldn't. You'd just
be back where you started from.
Yeah, but only Arnold
wouldn't owe it to me anymore.
See, I had this
money coming to me.
But it came from the opera club!
From them, to
him, to you, to me.
It's like an isosceles triangle.
Oh... An isosceles triangle.
Now you explained it properly.
Now all I have to do
is call up Arnold, see?
And I say, "Arnold, you
know the money you paid me?
"Well, I had to give
it to my roommate
to put on a production
of Madame Butterfly.
So you're gonna have to
pay me back again, see?
And then he'll say, "I'll
twist your little Rigoletto."
I'm not giving you this money!
Boy, talk about selfish!
I'll tell you one thing!
You're not going to get
your picture in the program!
Now, we're not going to panic.
We're not going to give up.
We're just going
to keep on trying.
The costumer says if we
don't come up with some money
by this weekend, we can
forget about the kimonos.
What about my wig?
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
Your wig's going to be fine.
Felix, you told us you
could get that money back.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
I'm, I'm wearing him down.
This morning he talked to me.
That... that's something.
Well, if there's nothing else,
I think maybe we better
break up the meeting,
because I don't want you
here when he comes home.
We just started. I
know, but he says
the group makes him nervous,
and I want to talk to him.
Hey, hi, gang. How are you?
You're going? Why
don't you stick around?
We'll have a beer.
Nothing?
Let us know what happens, Felix.
We'll have a
season. Don't worry.
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
What's with the
silent treatment?
Well, what do you
expect from a group
that's been denied
a rehearsal hall?
The landlord asked for the rent.
I told him, "I don't
have the rent.
Oscar Madison has the rent."
(humming)
Oscar, if we don't bring up
the money for the costumes,
he's going to sell
them to a road company
of Flower Drum Song.
What do you want from me?
In the three years
I've lived here,
I have never asked
you for one red cent.
That's the one thing
I liked about you.
I'm not asking you
for any money now.
All I'm asking for is a loan.
A loan?
What are you going to put up
for collateral, your vaporizer?
Oscar, if I, if I don't give
the money back to you
in six months, I guarantee
you I'll do anything you say.
Right. I'll even move out.
You got it!
Well, we figured out
that if we just charge
35 cents more per ticket,
we'll have enough
to pay Oscar back.
Well, it just means we won't
have our picnic this year,
that's all.
I'll have the money tonight.
Okay, good.
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
How are ya? Did you bring...
No, not out of the faucet.
Come on!
Tastes better that way.
Hey, you're making cookies!
Yeah, I'm making your favorites.
Yeah, shaped like horses' heads.
(bell dings)
Ah, cookies, that's
the least I can do
for the man who's giving
us back our opera season.
Look at this.
Ooh, they look good.
Ooh, hot! Hey-ah!
Ooh, good... good and hot, hot.
Good, Oscar.
Ooh, you make the best cookies.
King of the cookies!
I'm king of the cookies. Yep.
Did you bring the money?
Yeah, well, I want to give
it to you on Wednesday.
Good.
But you... Wednesday?
Yeah. I don't understand.
Well, see, Wednesday
is when I'm gonna win it.
So that's when I'm
going to give it to you.
You're gonna win it?
I thought...
Look, look Felix, I went
to the bank this morning.
I took out the money and...
I just happened to be passing
the pool room, and, uh...
And you lost it.
No, no, I didn't lose it.
See, I ran into
Sure-Shot Wilson,
and he challenged me to a game.
And you lost the money!
I did not lose the money.
Now, this man is the champ
of the 34th Street Pool Room.
Now he challenged me, Felix.
One game... 250
points for the whole pile.
See, Wednesday I'll
have a lot of money
and you'll still
have your money.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!
You see, he challenged me!
Everybody was around.
They were looking...
Arnold... all my friends.
I mean, what could I say?
If I'd backed down,
if I'd chickened out...
Wow, they'd probably
never would talk to me again.
Don't you understand?
Understand?
Sure, I know you don't
want to be humiliated
in front of your friends.
Yeah, see, so I
put up the money.
What's done is done.
As Macbeth said,
"What's done cannot be undone.
Murderer!"
Murderer...
Macbeth! I can't talk to you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the pool
room and practice.
Practice?
Yeah.
I thought you were
supposed to be so good.
Oh, everybody practices.
Even the best player
in the world practices.
I'm going with you.
What for?
I want to protect my money.
I want to see if
you're any good.
You can't go to the pool room.
Your mother won't let you.
I won't tell her.
Ah, you missed.
You didn't put anything in.
Playing safety.
It's a very important
part of the game.
I like when the white ball hits
and makes them all
go into every pocket.
H-H-Here, here.
All right, you happy
now? Hey, bravo!
Great!
Very great! You're
very good at pool.
I wonder how you
say "pool" in Italian.
"La poola."
Do you know how to
say "pool" in Italian?
Pool... pool's a... pool's
a lake... lago, lago.
Bravo in lago.
Would you stand back
a little bit, Felix, please?
Ooh!
Boy, you have to stand way
back in this game, don't you?
Bravo! Bravo in lago!
How do you know
when you're winning
if you play by yourself?
If I get the balls in the
pockets, I'm winning.
Ah... Bravo, bravo, bravo!
Le-Let me try one.
All right, here, here.
I didn't know you played pool.
I don't, but it's the
same as golf, isn't it?
You just put a ball in a hole.
I didn't know you played golf.
I don't. Shoot!
So what do I do?
Make the nine ball
in the corner pocket.
How do you know
it's a nine ball?
Take a look.
Oh... it's got a little
number on it, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's got a number.
That's clever.
Okay.
Aha!
Now, I'm going to put the...
14 ball in that... no, no...
Put the 15 ball in this one.
Hold it.
Come on, you can't do that.
You've got to hit the
cue ball where it stops.
You can't put it
around the table,
make everything a pocket hanger.
Oh... that's much
harder that way, isn't it?
Yes, it's much harder that way.
Felix, you want me
to win that game? Yes.
Let me practice,
leave me alone, please.
Who's that man there?
That's the guy holding
the bet, the money.
Where is he holding it?
In the paper bag.
Oh, he's asleep.
Anybody could come
along and take it.
Is it safe?
(mouthing)
15 in the side pocket.
Two ball in the side pocket.
Sure-Shot Wilson:
240, Oscar: 237.
You made enough to
pay for the costumes yet?
No, I haven't made enough
to pay for the costumes yet.
What's taking you so long?
I'm losing, Felix.
You're losing? Yeah.
Well, that, that, that's not
what you're supposed to do.
You're supposed to win.
Tell him; he never misses.
I haven't shot for an hour.
(raspy, hacking cough)
Listen to the cough on that guy.
I don't believe it;
I'm getting wiped out
and you're worried
about his cough.
I told you the ventilation
in here was terrible.
And that's a miss!
Finally. Oscar.
Here's your chance.
Now you're going to win.
Now stay cool.
Concentrate,
concentrate on each ball.
Don't get too excited.
Can I shoot before
the cue warps?
Yes, yes.
He's going to win
'cause he's my friend.
He's good.
Bravo, bravo in
lago, bravo, bravo.
(coughs)
Felix Unger,
commercial photographer,
portraits a specialty.
Yeah.
(coughs)
Some cough you've got.
(billiard balls clapping)
What cough?
Listen to you.
(coughs)
See?
You know what
causes that, don't you?
(balls clacking)
(clears throat)
Look, Mac, I'm trying to
concentrate on the game.
Will you please cool it?
Try to do someone a favor.
(balls clacking)
Six ball in the side.
(Sure-Shot coughs)
(ball lands in pocket)
What causes it?
Smoking, of course.
I bet you smoke two packs a day.
Four.
Four?!
You smoke four packages
of cigarettes a day?
Mm-hmm.
My Uncle Edward used to smoke
four packages of
cigarettes a day.
He quit?
He died.
Uncle Edward was
only 46 years of age.
(balls clapping)
I'm 45.
You look older.
When you cough, where
do you feel it worse...
In your throat or
down in your chest?
What difference does it make?
I mean, is it important?
The right answer
could save your life.
Chest. Mm.
Throat!
I should have said throat!
(Sure-Shot coughing)
(whispering): When did
you last have a chest X-ray?
Chest X-ray?
Yeah, well, you might
have emphysema.
And it's a miss.
Oscar: 248, Sure-Shot: 240.
Sure-Shot, it's your shot.
You know, it
used to get me first
in the throat and then...
Sure-Shot, Sure-Shot.
Into the chest, of
course. Shoot pool.
What? Pool, remember?
Oh.
That's bad, huh? Yeah.
Here, hold these
for me, will you?
(coughing)
12 ball.
It's a miss.
All right, Oscar.
(ball lands in pocket) Oh!
(indistinct chatter)
(chuckles)
I knew it was going
to be a tough one.
FELIX: Hey!
Oscar Madison, the
winner! You did it, you did it!
When the going gets tough, the tough
get going. Don't show too much emotion.
No, don't show too much emotion
here in the pool room, will you?
Here's your money, Oscar.
I knew you could
do it, I knew you...
H-Here's your money.
Go get your costumes,
go ahead, go.
Mr. Sure-Shot, I, uh,
I'm naturally elated
that my friend won, but
I hope I didn't upset you.
Forget it.
You taught me one lesson.
Never shoot pool
without a cigarette.
Such a nervous man.
I made him nervous.
Did you see the
way he was shaking?
When I told him about my
Uncle Edward, he got so upset.
Who?
My Uncle Edward.
The one that was
killed in the bus crash.
Oscar.
It was the best opening
night our club ever had.
Aw, that's great. And
we owe it all to you.
We've got something for you.
♪ Hmm, hmm ♪
ALL: ♪ Glory unto
Oscar Madison ♪
♪ Here's a thank you
now that our work is done ♪
♪ Glory and bravo to Oscar M. ♪
♪ He wrote out a check,
he stuck out his neck ♪
♪ He's the best of them ♪
♪ Oscar Madison, Oscar Madison ♪
♪ Oscar Madison...! ♪
all those in favor
of the Lexington Avenue
Opera Club starting our season
with Madame Butterfly again
kindly signify by saying "aye."
Aye. Aye. Aye.
Those opposed? It's unanimous.
We're going to have
Madame Butterfly.
Great, oh, great... now,
what we do first: Henry,
talk to the man who rented us
the kimonos and wigs last year,
but tell him this time he's
going to have to
wait for his money.
Don't you have the money yet?
I... I have it, don't
worry about it.
As soon as I talk to
Oscar, I'll have the money.
Last year, my wig didn't fit.
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
I had a headache all
through the second act.
You won't have a headache.
We'll make your wig fit.
Look who's here! Mr. Madison!
Hi, everybody.
♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪
♪ Hello, Oscar... ♪
ALL: ♪ Hello, Oscar! ♪
I want... I want to talk to you.
Help yourselves. I made
you some finger sandwiches.
Hey, buddy...
What's with the
singing telegram?
That's my opera group.
They like you!
Everybody likes you.
All right, Felix,
what do you want?
What do you mean,
what do I want?
I just want to talk to you.
Not now. I'm not in the mood.
What's the matter?
Oh, you wouldn't understand.
Why, of course I would, buddy.
What happened?
I got kicked out
of the pool room.
Not much left after you've
been kicked out of a
pool room, is there?
Well, I've been
shooting so good lately,
they're beginning
to call me a hustler.
Are you? No.
And I was counting on winning
enough money to pay my bills.
You're really something.
You... you love to
gamble, don't you?
Don't nag me now, will ya?
I'm not nagging
you. It's healthy.
You enjoy it.
It's a good outlet.
It's perfectly normal.
It's a good outlet?!
You ought to quit the opera
club... too many high notes.
I'm not kidding.
You... You're an expert
on gambling, aren't you?
On gambling, yeah.
Not on winning.
Yeah, but you know odds.
You know the games.
You know all those things.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the savior
of the Lexington Avenue
Opera Club, Oscar Madison!
(group singing a
high note, applauding)
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(all talking at once)
Meeting adjourned.
Meeting adjourned,
I'll see you...
You'll find out.
You'll find out.
You won't have any
trouble, will you, Felix?
Don't worry, just let
me talk to him alone.
Everything's going to be all
right. You will check on my wig?
FELIX: Don't worry
about your wig, Vivian.
Oscar? No.
I didn't say anything.
Why do you say "no"?
Let's start with "no,"
we'll work from there.
My opera club is
in desperate trouble.
I know, I've heard them sing.
(laughs)
That's a goody.
You're some
character, you really are.
You made yourself a sandwich
and now you've got
my finger sandwiches?
Yeah, they're going
to be for dessert.
(laughs)
You know, the opera club
has been operating for
several years at a steady loss.
So have I.
You know, every year, we
run a fund-raising event...
All right, how
much are the tickets
and what is the make of the car?
We're not going to
have some corny raffle.
That's for Easter.
Now what we're
going to do this year...
we're going to have
a Monte Carlo Night.
Gambling for the sake
of the opera. Good.
Go ahead, it's
all right with me.
Well, there's only
one... one problem.
We don't know
much about gambling.
What's to know?
You call your bookie
and then, later,
you send him a check.
Hmm, running a Monte
Carlo Night's a lot more
complicated than that.
All right, Felix, what
do you want from me?
Put that down!
Not back in there after
it's been in your mouth!
All right, here's
what I want you to do.
You'd know where to
rent gambling equipment.
We don't know that and you
could get it at the right price.
Then, teach our members
how to operate the equipment.
Then, set the odds so
we make a lot of money.
Then, spread the word
around so we'll have
a lot of people there gambling.
Then, on the night of the event,
you run everything. Mm-hmm.
Can you do that? Sure.
Just let me step into
a telephone booth,
change into my cape,
break a date with Lois Lane
and I'll be right out.
I know it's a lot of
work, but you've,
you've run gambling
nights before.
Yeah, in Vinnie's garage.
I brought the
equipment in my pocket.
Are you trying to say
you don't want to help me?
Felix, I'm trying to tell
you that I can't help you.
I don't have the time.
I would if I could, but
honest, I really can't... honest.
Swell punch.
All right.
We won't have a Monte
Carlo Night, that's all.
No law says we have to.
No law says we
have to have an opera.
We lived without
penicillin all these years,
we'll live without this.
Oh, I'm sure somebody
in the club knows
someone who could handle it.
They don't know
anybody like that.
They're all decent people.
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean wha...
Aw, come on, do it, please.
It'll be so much fun.
On the night of the event,
we'll have a special ad
featuring your
picture in the program.
"Thanks to Oscar
Madison, without whom,
"our production of
Madame Butterfly
would have been Madame Moth."
You set the odds.
You know, I did
have a dream once
that I was Humphrey Bogart
and I was running a casino.
(imitating Bogart): Everybody
came to see Rick, see.
Yeah. That would be nice.
And this time, all the
money goes to the opera.
In the dream, I got all the
money and Ingrid Bergman.
Come on, you'll
do it, won't you?
Please? All right, yes.
I knew you would!
I knew you would.
Grazie. Mille grazie!
(imitating Bogart):
Hasta la vista.
Faites vos jeux,
mesdames et messieurs.
Faites vos jeux.
C'est demi faites
vos jeux, ah...
Three red!
Trois rouge. Ah, nobody wins.
Quel dommage. Quel dommage.
What are you doing, Felix?
A little atmosphere. Atmosphere.
(French accent): And here
we have the wheel of fortune.
Around, around she goes,
and where she stops...
Que sera sera.
And what have we here?
(normal voice): What do you
call this thing? Chuck-a-luck.
(French accent): This is a
Chuck-a-luck, mesdames et messieurs.
Faites vos jeux.
Oh, and you are in
the sewer, too bad.
Maybe you are lucky
in love, monsieur, eh?
Felix, when people
are losing they don't like
to be laughed at,
especially in two languages.
It's the only game in town.
What a crowd!
You did such a great job.
Where'd you get
all these people?
It was easy, I told my
bookie about it, he did the rest.
You mean, these are...
some of these are
professional gamblers?
Yeah. Oh, no!
Oh, no!
How could you do that
to me? What's the matter?
Because professional
gamblers know how to win.
I want people
who lose, like you.
Professional gamblers
spend a lot of money
at places like this,
not like those piccolo
players you invited.
Besides, you're winning.
Am I? Oh, the club's way ahead.
Are we really? Yeah.
Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah,
but Felix, listen! Whoa!
What? I think we ought to close.
Why? We said
we'd close at 12:00.
Let's not get
greedy. It's 12:00.
No, no, but you
said we're winning.
We're getting ahead.
Yeah, but Felix, listen...
You said the odds are
with the house, didn't you?
If we make more money, then we
can put on two operas this year...
Yeah, but the odds
can turn on you.
How can they turn when
the odds are with the house?
I've seen it happen
a million times.
Eleven, a winner! Pay the man.
A million and one times.
Let it ride.
Game's closed! Game closed!
You can't close the game
now; I've got a bet on the table.
Oui, monsieur.
But he's got it all on one
number. He's allowed.
Listen, I'm the house.
You could lose your
shirt on this game.
Why don't you spread
it around, make it last?
Let it ride. Spin the wheel.
I'm the house and it's my ball.
Everybody go home.
I said let it ride.
Can't, there's no ball.
Then we'll use your eye.
Every cent.
We lost every cent.
Not only what we took
in, but what we started out.
We're wiped out!
I'm sorry, Felix. You're sorry!
That's all you can say?
We're ruined!
I'm ruined! They'll
never talk to me again.
I blame you!
You blame me?!
Yes, bringing in
professional gamblers,
playing numbers
nobody ever heard of.
Eleven!
And that ball was tricky, too.
It tasted funny.
Felix, those are the breaks.
That's why they
call it gambling.
Anyway, it's your
fault. My fault?
I said to close at
12:00. You got greedy.
You're the one who blew it!
There's no sense in pointing
the accusing finger
of blame at anybody.
The point is, what are
we going to do now?
There's nothing you can do now.
Arnold won the money honestly.
Arnold? Yeah.
You know him?
Yeah, I've known him a
long time, you kidding?
(humming)
Put the twenties over here.
And put the tens over there.
What have you got there?
And some singles here.
Where'd you get all that money?
From Arnold, he owed it to me.
What?! Yeah.
Owed it to me
since the year one.
The "let it ride" guy
owed you money?
That's my Arnold.
Well, that's wonderful.
Oh, don't touch
the money, Felix.
What a break! You're touching.
I told you not to touch it.
But now the Opera
Club gets its money back.
Yay!
I don't think I heard you.
We're saved.
We get our money back.
Now I know I didn't hear you.
Surely, you're not thinking
of keeping that money.
Why not? It's my money.
No, it's not.
It belongs to the opera club.
How do you figure that?
Well, Arnold got it from
us, you got it from him.
You give it back to us,
then everybody's even.
That can't be right. See,
I'd be out all this money.
No, you wouldn't. You'd just
be back where you started from.
Yeah, but only Arnold
wouldn't owe it to me anymore.
See, I had this
money coming to me.
But it came from the opera club!
From them, to
him, to you, to me.
It's like an isosceles triangle.
Oh... An isosceles triangle.
Now you explained it properly.
Now all I have to do
is call up Arnold, see?
And I say, "Arnold, you
know the money you paid me?
"Well, I had to give
it to my roommate
to put on a production
of Madame Butterfly.
So you're gonna have to
pay me back again, see?
And then he'll say, "I'll
twist your little Rigoletto."
I'm not giving you this money!
Boy, talk about selfish!
I'll tell you one thing!
You're not going to get
your picture in the program!
Now, we're not going to panic.
We're not going to give up.
We're just going
to keep on trying.
The costumer says if we
don't come up with some money
by this weekend, we can
forget about the kimonos.
What about my wig?
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
Your wig's going to be fine.
Felix, you told us you
could get that money back.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
I'm, I'm wearing him down.
This morning he talked to me.
That... that's something.
Well, if there's nothing else,
I think maybe we better
break up the meeting,
because I don't want you
here when he comes home.
We just started. I
know, but he says
the group makes him nervous,
and I want to talk to him.
Hey, hi, gang. How are you?
You're going? Why
don't you stick around?
We'll have a beer.
Nothing?
Let us know what happens, Felix.
We'll have a
season. Don't worry.
Don't worry about
your wig, Vivian.
What's with the
silent treatment?
Well, what do you
expect from a group
that's been denied
a rehearsal hall?
The landlord asked for the rent.
I told him, "I don't
have the rent.
Oscar Madison has the rent."
(humming)
Oscar, if we don't bring up
the money for the costumes,
he's going to sell
them to a road company
of Flower Drum Song.
What do you want from me?
In the three years
I've lived here,
I have never asked
you for one red cent.
That's the one thing
I liked about you.
I'm not asking you
for any money now.
All I'm asking for is a loan.
A loan?
What are you going to put up
for collateral, your vaporizer?
Oscar, if I, if I don't give
the money back to you
in six months, I guarantee
you I'll do anything you say.
Right. I'll even move out.
You got it!
Well, we figured out
that if we just charge
35 cents more per ticket,
we'll have enough
to pay Oscar back.
Well, it just means we won't
have our picnic this year,
that's all.
I'll have the money tonight.
Okay, good.
Oh, boy, am I glad to see you.
How are ya? Did you bring...
No, not out of the faucet.
Come on!
Tastes better that way.
Hey, you're making cookies!
Yeah, I'm making your favorites.
Yeah, shaped like horses' heads.
(bell dings)
Ah, cookies, that's
the least I can do
for the man who's giving
us back our opera season.
Look at this.
Ooh, they look good.
Ooh, hot! Hey-ah!
Ooh, good... good and hot, hot.
Good, Oscar.
Ooh, you make the best cookies.
King of the cookies!
I'm king of the cookies. Yep.
Did you bring the money?
Yeah, well, I want to give
it to you on Wednesday.
Good.
But you... Wednesday?
Yeah. I don't understand.
Well, see, Wednesday
is when I'm gonna win it.
So that's when I'm
going to give it to you.
You're gonna win it?
I thought...
Look, look Felix, I went
to the bank this morning.
I took out the money and...
I just happened to be passing
the pool room, and, uh...
And you lost it.
No, no, I didn't lose it.
See, I ran into
Sure-Shot Wilson,
and he challenged me to a game.
And you lost the money!
I did not lose the money.
Now, this man is the champ
of the 34th Street Pool Room.
Now he challenged me, Felix.
One game... 250
points for the whole pile.
See, Wednesday I'll
have a lot of money
and you'll still
have your money.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!
You see, he challenged me!
Everybody was around.
They were looking...
Arnold... all my friends.
I mean, what could I say?
If I'd backed down,
if I'd chickened out...
Wow, they'd probably
never would talk to me again.
Don't you understand?
Understand?
Sure, I know you don't
want to be humiliated
in front of your friends.
Yeah, see, so I
put up the money.
What's done is done.
As Macbeth said,
"What's done cannot be undone.
Murderer!"
Murderer...
Macbeth! I can't talk to you.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the pool
room and practice.
Practice?
Yeah.
I thought you were
supposed to be so good.
Oh, everybody practices.
Even the best player
in the world practices.
I'm going with you.
What for?
I want to protect my money.
I want to see if
you're any good.
You can't go to the pool room.
Your mother won't let you.
I won't tell her.
Ah, you missed.
You didn't put anything in.
Playing safety.
It's a very important
part of the game.
I like when the white ball hits
and makes them all
go into every pocket.
H-H-Here, here.
All right, you happy
now? Hey, bravo!
Great!
Very great! You're
very good at pool.
I wonder how you
say "pool" in Italian.
"La poola."
Do you know how to
say "pool" in Italian?
Pool... pool's a... pool's
a lake... lago, lago.
Bravo in lago.
Would you stand back
a little bit, Felix, please?
Ooh!
Boy, you have to stand way
back in this game, don't you?
Bravo! Bravo in lago!
How do you know
when you're winning
if you play by yourself?
If I get the balls in the
pockets, I'm winning.
Ah... Bravo, bravo, bravo!
Le-Let me try one.
All right, here, here.
I didn't know you played pool.
I don't, but it's the
same as golf, isn't it?
You just put a ball in a hole.
I didn't know you played golf.
I don't. Shoot!
So what do I do?
Make the nine ball
in the corner pocket.
How do you know
it's a nine ball?
Take a look.
Oh... it's got a little
number on it, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's got a number.
That's clever.
Okay.
Aha!
Now, I'm going to put the...
14 ball in that... no, no...
Put the 15 ball in this one.
Hold it.
Come on, you can't do that.
You've got to hit the
cue ball where it stops.
You can't put it
around the table,
make everything a pocket hanger.
Oh... that's much
harder that way, isn't it?
Yes, it's much harder that way.
Felix, you want me
to win that game? Yes.
Let me practice,
leave me alone, please.
Who's that man there?
That's the guy holding
the bet, the money.
Where is he holding it?
In the paper bag.
Oh, he's asleep.
Anybody could come
along and take it.
Is it safe?
(mouthing)
15 in the side pocket.
Two ball in the side pocket.
Sure-Shot Wilson:
240, Oscar: 237.
You made enough to
pay for the costumes yet?
No, I haven't made enough
to pay for the costumes yet.
What's taking you so long?
I'm losing, Felix.
You're losing? Yeah.
Well, that, that, that's not
what you're supposed to do.
You're supposed to win.
Tell him; he never misses.
I haven't shot for an hour.
(raspy, hacking cough)
Listen to the cough on that guy.
I don't believe it;
I'm getting wiped out
and you're worried
about his cough.
I told you the ventilation
in here was terrible.
And that's a miss!
Finally. Oscar.
Here's your chance.
Now you're going to win.
Now stay cool.
Concentrate,
concentrate on each ball.
Don't get too excited.
Can I shoot before
the cue warps?
Yes, yes.
He's going to win
'cause he's my friend.
He's good.
Bravo, bravo in
lago, bravo, bravo.
(coughs)
Felix Unger,
commercial photographer,
portraits a specialty.
Yeah.
(coughs)
Some cough you've got.
(billiard balls clapping)
What cough?
Listen to you.
(coughs)
See?
You know what
causes that, don't you?
(balls clacking)
(clears throat)
Look, Mac, I'm trying to
concentrate on the game.
Will you please cool it?
Try to do someone a favor.
(balls clacking)
Six ball in the side.
(Sure-Shot coughs)
(ball lands in pocket)
What causes it?
Smoking, of course.
I bet you smoke two packs a day.
Four.
Four?!
You smoke four packages
of cigarettes a day?
Mm-hmm.
My Uncle Edward used to smoke
four packages of
cigarettes a day.
He quit?
He died.
Uncle Edward was
only 46 years of age.
(balls clapping)
I'm 45.
You look older.
When you cough, where
do you feel it worse...
In your throat or
down in your chest?
What difference does it make?
I mean, is it important?
The right answer
could save your life.
Chest. Mm.
Throat!
I should have said throat!
(Sure-Shot coughing)
(whispering): When did
you last have a chest X-ray?
Chest X-ray?
Yeah, well, you might
have emphysema.
And it's a miss.
Oscar: 248, Sure-Shot: 240.
Sure-Shot, it's your shot.
You know, it
used to get me first
in the throat and then...
Sure-Shot, Sure-Shot.
Into the chest, of
course. Shoot pool.
What? Pool, remember?
Oh.
That's bad, huh? Yeah.
Here, hold these
for me, will you?
(coughing)
12 ball.
It's a miss.
All right, Oscar.
(ball lands in pocket) Oh!
(indistinct chatter)
(chuckles)
I knew it was going
to be a tough one.
FELIX: Hey!
Oscar Madison, the
winner! You did it, you did it!
When the going gets tough, the tough
get going. Don't show too much emotion.
No, don't show too much emotion
here in the pool room, will you?
Here's your money, Oscar.
I knew you could
do it, I knew you...
H-Here's your money.
Go get your costumes,
go ahead, go.
Mr. Sure-Shot, I, uh,
I'm naturally elated
that my friend won, but
I hope I didn't upset you.
Forget it.
You taught me one lesson.
Never shoot pool
without a cigarette.
Such a nervous man.
I made him nervous.
Did you see the
way he was shaking?
When I told him about my
Uncle Edward, he got so upset.
Who?
My Uncle Edward.
The one that was
killed in the bus crash.
Oscar.
It was the best opening
night our club ever had.
Aw, that's great. And
we owe it all to you.
We've got something for you.
♪ Hmm, hmm ♪
ALL: ♪ Glory unto
Oscar Madison ♪
♪ Here's a thank you
now that our work is done ♪
♪ Glory and bravo to Oscar M. ♪
♪ He wrote out a check,
he stuck out his neck ♪
♪ He's the best of them ♪
♪ Oscar Madison, Oscar Madison ♪
♪ Oscar Madison...! ♪