The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 17 - Myrna's Debut - full transcript

MYRNA: Here you
are, Mr. Madison.

Black coffee, tomato juice,

Worcestershire sauce,
aspirin and eyedrops.

Boy, when you asked me
to come over this morning,

I thought it was to
pick up your article,

not work on your head.

(nasally laugh)

Nine office parties in
one month is too much.

The obituary department
gives the best parties.

Those guys sure
know how to laugh.

Boy, you really tied
one on last night, huh?



You can't chug-a-lug scotch.

It was a terrible night.

For you, maybe, but not for me.

Last night was one of the most

exciting nights of my life.

You know, it was the first
time I tap danced in years.

Since I was in
the half-time show

at the Alabama-Mississippi game.

You went to school in the South?

Yeah, that's where I
acquired my accent.

Y'all.

Did you hear it? Yeah, I heard.

You danced very
well, yes, you did.

Here, take the articles
downtown, will ya?



You know, they really
seemed to like it, didn't they?

Yeah, they liked it.
You danced great.

Will you take the articles?

But did you like it?

It was so good I
even remember it.

Then I've really got
it, huh? Got what?

That certain charisma

that sets me apart
from mere mortals.

What were you
drinking last night?

Oh, nothing.

It's dangerous to
dance and drink.

Good morning...!

There they are, the
flashing feet of Myrna Turner.

You were Ruby Keeler
and Ginger Rogers

rolled up into one last night.

Really? Yeah, look.

Here are your
pictures, look, look, look.

Oh, Mr. Unger
got pictures of us.

Yeah, I saw. Don't
touch them. They're wet.

Look, see. Yeah, I see.

There she is doing her fancy
step. Thrilling, thrilling, thrilling.

Yeah, remember
when I did it. Hit it!

The tap-dancing secretary.

You're good. You really are.

Do you really mean it? Oh, yeah.

You ought to turn professional.

You really think so?
Oh, yes. You're good.

♪ Listen, Mr. Madison, I quit! ♪

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Myrna, sit down, please.

I think you caught my hangover.

Sit, come on.

I know it sounds
crazy, Mr. Madison,

but I studied for 12 years.

I mean, it was always a dream
of mine to be a tap dancer.

Felix, will you tell her
she's crazy, please?

Well, it's not a very
practical way to earn a living,

is it? Of course not.

You can't give up a good job

for something with no security.

Tell her, Felix.

That's right, that's right.

I mean, New York
is full of people

who want to be dancers.

And so few of them make it.

Well, it's a dog-eat-
dog world out there.

How does she know
she's good enough?

There's a lot of heartbreak
out there. That's right.

They say there's a broken
heart for every light on Broadway.

Tell her, Felix.
You can make it.

Dancing is Myrna's dream,
Oscar. I'm warning you...

How can you crush this
beautiful person's dream?

Listen to me,
grab the brass ring.

I know it sounds cliché,
but the cliché is true.

Follow your star.

He doesn't mean
that. I do mean it.

It's a dog-eat-dog world! Listen
to the voice of bitter experience.

There a broken heart for
every... When I was a child,

I wanted to be an opera singer.

It's all I thought
about. Were you good?

(sings opera)

He's good.

I sang a medley of Wagner

to my third grade Easter party.

I was a child Heldentenor.

If you take
Heldentenor's advice,

you're through as my secretary.

Who wants your rotten job?

Couldn't you just
give me a little time off

until I get my career going?

No, not now, honey.

How about if I took
my vacation in spurts?

Like a couple hours a day.

Myrna, you know
I'm guest hosting

the TV talk show,
The Sports Den.

I need a full-time secretary.

No, no! No, full-time!

She needs time off for
interviews, auditions.

And I'll help 'cause I know a
lot of show business biggies.

Make up your mind, Myrna.

Make up your mind, Myrna.

How would it be if I
kept working for him

until you lined something up?

And then, if I do get some work,

then I'll find my own
replacement, how's that?

All right, all right,
I'll try you part-time.

But I'm busy, I'm
making no promises.

Thanks, Mr. Madison,
and don't worry,

I'll still be the same model
of efficiency I've always been.

Myrna. Myrna!

Huh?

You forgot the article.

Right.

Oh, did you see her face?

You see the glow?

She reminds me of a
bird stretching its wings

for the first time.

♪ Listen, Mr. Unger, get out! ♪

Myrna, get me Rocky
Noonan's number, will ya?

I'm lining up my
guests for the TV show.

Myrna?

Myrna?

It's coffee break time.

Cream and two sugars.

Where were you? Huh?

Oh, I was dreaming I was
at the Stage Delicatessen

and they named a
sandwich after me.

Myrna Turner Tuna.

Can you sandwich
in a little work?

Give me Rocky
Noonan's number, please.

Right.

Georgette La Forge.

What?

I'm looking for a new
name for my career.

Like Liza Turner,
Tallulah Turner,

Mary Tyler Turner.

Will you forget Rocky Noonan?

Just finish your
letter, all right?

(typing rhythmically)

♪ Tea for two ♪

♪ And two for tea ♪

(typing rhythmically)

(humming)

(humming, shuffling)

(loud humming)

Myrna. Hmm?

You ready? Let's go.

Where's your replacement?

Oh, she's due here any minute.

Where you going? This
is Myrna's big chance.

We're meeting
Franklin Lang for lunch.

Who?

Franklin Lang.

Does a man have
to wear sweat socks

before you've heard of him?

Franklin Lang
produced Tippy Tap Toe,

Uptown Parade,
Bowery Rhythm, big hits.

Yeah, then the talkies
came in and wiped him out.

He's a has-been.

And he's making a comeback.

He's going to be an is-again.

We're meeting him at the
Chop House in ten minutes.

Come on. Can you wait a minute?

I just want to fix
my face. Go, go.

Isn't this exciting?

Franklin Lang.

It's ridiculous.

You're ruining a
semi-competent secretary.

I can't get any work
done around here.

You're not thinking
of that girl at all.

You ought to be
ashamed of your...

She's an accomplished dancer.

An accomplished
dancer? She's a tap dancer.

Tap dancing went
out with Mussolini.

But it's making a comeback.

And she's good at it.

She was great last night.

Everything was great last night.

We were drinking
last night, remember?

I was in complete
control of myself.

Oh, really?

Then who was that idiot
up there marching with her,

waving the flag and
limping like the Spirit of '76?

I was just joining in.

Joining in the spirit of things.

At least I wasn't
playing Yankee Doodle

on my head with a pencil.

(clicking tongue) Felix...

what are your credentials
for being an agent?

Do you know how many
crooks there are in New York

preying on kids like that?

"I'll make you a star, come
to my school for $200."

"Kids, you need pictures."

And they charge
'em for the pictures.

I'm honest.

Those are my credentials.

I'm not going to make
anything out of this.

And what's more, I've got
a flair for show business.

Okay, whatever happens to
her now is your responsibility.

"Responsibility" is my
middle name, mister.

And "pest" is your
first name, mister.

Come on, Mr. Unger, we're
gonna be late. You ready?

My replacement will
be here any minute.

♪ We'll take a
stairway to the stars ♪

Take an elevator, it's faster.

(mocking): ♪
Stairway to the Stars ♪

Are you Oscar Madison?

Yeah.

I'm Myrna Turner's Aunt Lucille.

Oh, Myrna just left.
Did you see her?

I know.

I'm filling in for her.

You?

Yeah, I figured "What the heck?"

Oh, sit down.

Type a letter for me, will ya?

Very important.

It's very, very important.

This goes to Bob McAllen

on The Sports Den
talk show... okay.

Dear, Bob, I want to
show my appreciation

for you asking me to
host the TV show again.

I am presently
lining up my guests.

I'll be in touch with
you (tapping slowly)

when I am sure
who is going to be on.

Affectionately yours,
Oscar Madison.

B... O... B.

Bob.

"Dear Bob."

"Dear Bob"?

Can't you type any
faster than that?

I'm doing the best I can.

They've added a lot
of keys since 1930.

And stop undressing
me with your eyes.

B... O... B.

Bob.

"Dear Bob."

(typing)

So what happened
with Franklin Lang?

How did it go?

It didn't.

Didn't you take the
big producer to lunch?

He took me for lunch.

He also took me
for two martinis,

a bus ticket to Atlantic City

and a quarter for
the men's room.

He didn't even
look at my photos.

He just ate, drank, and passed
out in the chocolate pudding.

I thought he was
making a big comeback.

He came back. Nobody cared.

I'm sorry, Myrna.

I really am.

Thanks, Mr. Madison.

We aren't giving up, kid.

Is my aunt still here?

No, she took a nap,

then she went to
her girlfriend's funeral.

Listen, I sent for a girl
from the secretarial pool.

Well, that's good, because Myrna
doesn't feel like working today.

Oh, really, impresario?

Tell me when will your protégé
be ready to come back to work?

I don't know.

What do you mean "I don't know"?

Felix, I can't go on.

FELIX: This is just
a temporary setback.

We're going to suffer
through this thing.

Right, kid? And I'll help.

I know a lot of big shots in
show business. Yeah, who?

I know a lot. Name one.

Plenty. Never mind
plenty. One name.

Murray's cousin.

Murray's cousin?

He's a big agent,
and he'll love Myrna.

You really think so?

Murray's cousin is...

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Madison?

I'm Miss Jenson from
the secretarial pool.

From the secretarial what?

Pool.

Myrna, you're in her seat.

She won't last a year.

Hey, Felix.

Myrna said she's almost ready.

Good, I hope your
cousin likes poi.

I made it to give the room a
proper Hawaiian atmosphere.

Happy Greshler is
a theatrical agent.

He eats anything that's free.

(doorbell buzzes)

That must be him.

(doorbell buzzes)

Mr. Greshler? Yes.

My name is Felix
Unger. Hello, Felix.

Just call me Happy.

Murray, Murray, Hi.

Murray, how are you?
How's the family? Fine. Fine.

Remember we're all getting
together Thanksgiving.

Oh, sure.

Where's the Hawaiian dancer?

She'll be here any minute.

Would you like some poi?

Now, she is an authentic
Hawaiian dancer,

right? That's what
you asked for.

That's what you're going to get.

Well, I hope she's good,

because I've got 10,000
Shriners in Cleveland

waiting for a hula dancer.

MYRNA: Mr. Unger, I'm ready.

She doesn't sound Hawaiian.

Sit down, sit down,
you'll enjoy yourself.

Wait, let me tune my
uke. Wait a minute.

(strumming) ♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas, my dog... ♪

Okay.

Mr. Greshler,

welcome to the enchanting
islands of Hawaii.

(sings twanging melody)

Hawaii is actually
comprised of five islands:

Oahu, Maui, Kauai,
Hawaii and Molokai.

(sings twangy melody)

And here, to bring you
a taste of the islands

and to hula her way

into your heart is the
lovely Lelanie Turner.

One, two, three.

♪ I want to go back ♪

♪ To my little grass shack ♪

♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪

♪ Scooby-do ♪

♪ I want to be with all
the kanes and wahinis ♪

♪ That I knew long
ago, vo-doh-de-oh ♪

♪ I hear old guitars a-playin' ♪

♪ On the beach at Ho'onaunau ♪

♪ I can hear those
Hawaiians sayin' ♪

♪ Komo mai no kaua
ia hale welakahao... ♪

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

A Hawaiian tap dance?!

They tap dance in Hawaii.

You just can't hear it
because of the sand.

I'm not happy!

You will be. You will
be. No! I'm not happy.

Murray, Murray,
Murray, I'll catch up...

You'll like it much
better here. Hit it!

♪ It won't be long till
my ship will be sailing ♪

♪ Back to Kona ♪

MURRAY: ♪ Kona ♪

♪ A grand ol' place ♪

♪ That's always fair to see ♪

♪ Skin a banana ♪

♪ Sayin' just a little Hawaiian
and a homesick island boy ♪

♪ I want to go back
to my fish and poi ♪

♪ I want to go back to
my little grass shack ♪

♪ In Kealakekua, Hawaii ♪

♪ Scooby-do ♪

♪ Where the
humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by... ♪

Hey!

♪ Where the
humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by... ♪

Look at that lamp!

♪ Where the
humuhumunukunukuapuaa ♪

♪ Go swimming by. ♪

Well, thanks for bringing
us a big agent, Murray.

Your cousin!

Well, he's not coming to
my house for Thanksgiving.

Mr. Unger, I'm a total failure.

No, no, no, you're not.

You were good. I loved it.

If, at first, you don't
succeed... Quit!

She was terrific!

(phone rings) I
don't understand it.

Hello.

Felix?

Yes. Hi, Oscar.

Don't "Hi, Oscar" me!

I'm going crazy down here.

What's the matter?

Miss Jenson.

I couldn't concentrate on
my work with her around.

I had to let her go.

I've got a date with
her next Thursday.

What do you want from me?

If Myrna's not back here at
9:00 tomorrow morning sharp,

I'm going down to the
personnel department,

pick myself a
permanent secretary.

I've got to prepare
to host that TV show.

Good-bye!

That was Oscar.

He wants Myrna back
tomorrow morning.

That's it then, Felix.

The end of a brilliant career.

I'm sorry, Mr. Unger.

I didn't mean to let you down.

Why you... you
didn't let me down.

You didn't. You didn't.

How could you let...

how could anyone let me down

who's going to be on
TV tomorrow night?

They're re-running the
Alabama-Mississippi game?

Oscar Madison just called me.

He wants you on his
show tomorrow night.

I have to work out the billing

and the money... I'm gonna
tap-dance on a sports show?

Right! So go home Okay.

And practice your
patriotic baton-twirling tap

that made halftime history!

Murray, are you
going to be there?

I'll be there!

I want all my friends
to share in this moment.

Isn't that great?

Now all I have to
do is convince Oscar!

How?

Easy.

The way to get to Oscar

is with brains, tact,
guile, cleverness.

You'll be needing me then.

I think I can handle it.

OSCAR: No, no, no!

(both yelling at once)

I know what you're saying.
That's the way you get variety...

No, no, this is
not a variety show.

It's a sports show. No.

Oh please, Oscar,
you're my last hope.

You're... aw, please.

No, I knew it
would come to this.

Please. But listen.

If she goes on
and she's a smash,

you'll be a hero.

If she's not, if she flops,

she comes back to
work as your secretary.

Either way, you win.

I knew it! I warned you.

I knew it would come to this.

No!

Maybe you're right. Yeah.

Maybe I bit off more
than I could chew.

Swing that.

I was just doing it for her.

Think of Myrna...
When she's 65 years old,

she won't be able
to dance anymore.

It wouldn't be so bad
if she said, "I didn't,"

or "I couldn't," but,
oh, the pain to say,

"I should've."

Have you ever felt the
pain of "I should've"?

Of course I have.

I "should've" never
let you move in.

I "should've" kicked you out.

Won't you let her be on, please?

Oh, all right.

You, you, I knew it. Just
to settle this thing once

and for all... I knew
it! You know why?

Because you're one in a million.

There is nothing
like the loyalty

that exists in this house.

You know which is the
bad side of your face?

Which side? The
side with a mouth on it.

Thank you, Mr. Wong,

for your tips on table tennis.

Say hello to the wall for me.

Good swing, yes, sir.

My next guest... hey,

looks like international
night on the Sports Den show.

My next guest is perhaps
one of the greatest in a long line

of Italian soccer players

who's often been referred to
as "the man with a dozen legs."

A warm welcome, please,

for Nino Babaloni and his
interpreter, Tony Magucci.

(Nino shouting happily)

(applause, whistling)

Grazie.

Hallo. Hello.

Well, welcome to
the Sports show, Nino.

(speaking in Italian)

(speaking Italian)

Hello!

There's a, there's a question
I've always wanted to ask.

(translating in Italian)

See, I've always
been interested...

(translating)

As a matter, I think the
audience would be interested...

(translating)

(audience whistling) Hello.

I forgot the question.

Oh, I... (translating)

(laughs)

No, no, I remember, I remember.

What is the toughest
team he has ever faced?

You mean the, uh, soccer?

Yeah, you know,
soccer like that.

(speaking Italian)

What'd he say?

Pull up your sock.

(mumbling)

Forget that, will you please?

The toughest team he has faced.

The toughest team in
soccer. Yes, toughest team.

(translating)

(speaking Italian)

(speaking Italian)

(speaking Italian)

Ah, he says the
best team... Scusi.

Yugoslavia?

(speaking Italian)

(speaking Italian) Germania?

No, not Germania... Yugoslavia.

(speaking Italian) Brazil?!

(arguing in Italian)

(speaking Italian) Milano? Roma?

Roma?

(arguing in Italian)

Silencio! Gentlemen.

Silencio!

Gentlemen, moving right along,

let's forget that.

What I really want to know:

does he have a
particular stadium

he prefers to play in?

He cannot answer that question.

Why not?

Because I'm not speaking to him.

Oh, excuse me... it's
time for a message.

We'll be right back.

Ladies, I think I can speak

for your husbands out there

when I say I hate grimy shirts,

and if you do, too,
watch this message.

Hey, you're doing great. Is
it good? Is it? Great. Great.

You're just really rolling.

Controversy... I like
talking for a living.

Myrna is so excited.

She's talking to her batons.

Felix, listen... wait
a minute. What?

Can you take some
bad news? What?

Well, there isn't going to be
time for Myrna to be on the show.

No! Well, see, the Ping-Pong
player took a lot of time

and I need Rocky
Noonan... He's a football star.

What do you need him
for, to throw a body block?

Myrna can dance.
She's warmed up.

Felix, I'm telling
you... She can't.

Can't!

Can't means not able
to. You mean mayn't.

All right, mayn't...
Also, she can't.

Now, please,
Felix, get off here.

Some buddy!

After all the trouble
I went through.

What's the matter, Mr. Unger,

don't I get to dance?

He says there's no time
to put you on the show.

Can you imagine that?!

Well, I really don't
mind, Mr. Unger.

You see, I'm pretty
nervous anyway,

and my hands are
sweating and my batons...

Pick it up! Pick
it up! It looks bad.

Five, four, three...

Which camera? Which camera?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
what you've been waiting for...

The topper of the show... truly

a football institution...

(fanfare blasting)
It's halftime!

And here for your
halftime pleasure,

recreating her famous
baton-twirling tap

that made halftime history

in the Alabama-Mississippi
game of several years ago,

is the lovely Myrna Turner!

(drum roll) (applause)

(fanfare)

(playing sprightly march)

Bravo.

Yeah, good. Yeah!

Oh, bravo.

Bellissima!

Bella, bella, brava.

Brava!

Brava.

Bellissima! Bellissima!

Bella! Bella!

(drum roll)

(fanfare blasts)

(applause) Bellisima!

Bellisima! Brava!

Bella!

Hi, Mr. M.

Still mad?

I know what you mean.

Listen, Mr. Madison,
you gave me a chance...

And it was really fun...

And I'll be back to work

at your desk tomorrow at 9:00.

Now, I'll never have
to say "I should've."

Okay.

Good night, Oscar.

I had a real good time.

It was kind of fun, wasn't it?

Don't you realize what you did?

Yes, I know. Wait a minute!

Felix, don't do it now! Wait
a minute! Always interfering

Look, every time something
happens, in somebody else's life...

You always make a long speech.

You never give me a
chance to make a speech.

You never let me say my hate!

You never let me
express my hate!

Express it.

(yelling)

That's all?

What do you say...
Want to go home?

Yeah.

That's so sad.

Why?

That's Franklin Lang.