The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Ides of April - full transcript

(thunder rumbling, rain falling)

(thundering)

(coughing)

(snuffling)

(nasal honking)

(coughing) Are your feet wet?

No, I wore shoes.

I'm not in the
mood for cuteness.

Not on the rug!

I'll water your fern.

I mean... Come on.



No, not the wet coat
in the good closet.

Come on, hang
that in the... All right.

Satisfied?

It's your coat.

Did you bring them?

Bring what?

How many things do I ask
you to bring? My nose drops.

Sorry, I forgot.

He forgot.

Well, it was raining.

I'm sitting here
suffering all evening.

My sinuses are poisoned

by this dampness,
and he forgets.

Why don't you get
it over with, Oscar?



Go smash my vaporizer
and I'll clog to death.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry isn't enough.

Sorry's all I got.

Where are you going?

To the drugstore.

With your sinuses? You
can't go out in this weather.

I'm touched by your concern.

Will you go for me?

No.

A man can't do a
simple favor for a friend.

Felix, since you're going out,

would you mail this
for me? I forgot to.

Unbelievable.
Absolutely unbelievable.

(thunderclap)

Internal Revenue Service?

Yeah.

You're sending
in your taxes now?

I'm a patriotic American.

You're also 12 days late.

Whenever I send
it, they take it.

Boy, I'd like to be around
when they catch up to you.

The mills of the gods
grind slowly, Oscar.

(doorbell buzzing)

They grind exceeding small.

Yes?

I have a registered letter.

You see? This man wasn't stopped

by a little rain or sleet.

Who's it from?

Internal Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue?

Aha, aha, they got
you. They got you.

The mills of the gods.

Get out! The mills of the gods!

"You are hereby requested
to appear at the office

"of the Internal Revenue
Service. Ah. Aha.

"You must be there in the...

Yeah, yeah. Come
on. Read it out loud.

I need a good gloat.

Oh, thank goodness. What?

Well, it's not as
bad as I thought.

How come?

It's for you.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

They-they want to see me

at their office
tomorrow morning.

They're investigating my taxes.

How do you know
it's an investigation?

"To clear up a discrepancy
in your tax return."

What does that
sound like to you?

An investigation.

I'm starved. I'm gonna
make a sandwich.

How can you eat when
they're investigating my taxes?

With a clear conscience.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't do anything
wrong either.

Then you've got nothing
to worry about, have you?

A lot you know.

They put you in jail

when they
investigate your taxes.

They get nice
respectable people like me.

That's how they got Al Capone!

Maybe you'll get his cell.

I heard he left his
old opera records

and a machine gun
made out of soap.

You make jokes when I
can hear the handcuffs

clicking together and
saying, "We gotcha, Unger."

Who's gonna water
my plants if I go away?

Take 'em with you.

You'll be the
Shrubman of Alcatraz.

(snoring)

(whispers): Oscar?

Oscar?

(knocking)

(snoring)

Hi.

"Hi"?

I got my nose drops.

Good. Did you get some
wire for a fractured jaw?

Oscar, the last couple of hours

while I was walking around

looking for an
all-night drugstore,

I had plenty of
time to think, so

considering this whole thing

unemotionally,
and with cool logic,

Little Felix is up the creek.

I found it.

Makes jokes. It's very funny.

What am I gonna do?!

Felix. Look, as one
friend to another,

you're a maniac!

You didn't do anything wrong.

You send in the best
tax return in the country.

Will you go to sleep, please?

Sleep, who can sleep?

I'll be up all night long.

Then pace quietly.
Now, good night!

(coughs)

Good night.

Hi. You!

You're the one they
should investigate!

You keep no
records, no receipts!

You send in your
return a month late.

You're the only man I know

who has his return
filled out by his bartender.

He's studying to
be an accountant.

Do you know when I sent
in my return? January 2.

All day New Year's
Day, I'm working on it

while you're watching football
games and sobering up.

I report everything.

Last August, I helped an
old lady carry her groceries.

She gave me a quarter.

I reported that.

I was with you. She
gave you a half a buck.

Well, that was a quarter
for each of us. Ah, yeah.

I don't want it
now. It's hot money!

Sends his return in on
a wet cocktail napkin,

and they investigate me.

That's enough, Felix!
Now will you go to sleep?

I can't sleep.

Take a sleeping pill.

Oh, all right. I'll
take a sleeping pill.

Maybe that'll...

And I don't want
you back here again.

Don't worry, Oscar.

I won't be back here again.

(agonized moan)

Good morning, Felix.

(sniffing) Breakfast
smells good.

Oh, boy.

That's weak coffee.

Felix, why didn't
you make the coffee?

Felix?

Felix!

What is this?
He's still... Felix!

Come on. Hey, Felix!

You know what time it is?

(knocking)

Felix, wake up, will you?

Felix, do you know
what time it is?

Felix! Felix, you're
still sleeping?

Do you know what time it is?

Will you get up
and make my cof...?

Felix, you all right?!

(snoring)

Felix!

Felix...

He took the whole bottle.

And the cotton.

Come on, you gotta walk.

Dr. Melnitz will be
here any minute.

You gotta walk. Let's go.

Come on.

Felix.

Just keep walking.

It's like walking
with a wheelbarrow.

Felix, Felix, wake up.

You gotta walk. Come here.

I want to sleep.

No sleep, no! Here,
have some coffee.

Have some coffee.

Have some coffee...
Have some coffee.

Oh, that's terrible.

That isn't my coffee.

I made it.

Ugh. Did you clean the pot?

The man took an
overdose of pills

and he's worried
about cleaning the pot.

Just keep walking. Keep walking.

Felix. Now he's
walking backwards.

Come on, Felix, get up will you?

Walk! Come on. Come on.

(doorbell buzzing)

Come in!

Look, I think
that's Dr. Melnitz.

Come on.

All right.

All right,

my nurse told me
you had an emergency.

Which one of you is dying?

The one lying on
the couch. Here.

All right, Felix.

Huh? What's the matter with you?

He was worried
about his income tax.

He took sleeping pills.

How many? I don't know.

Maybe the whole bottle.

All right.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my.

What is it?

I'm exhausted.

The earliest house
call I ever had.

You got some coffee?

Yeah. Here. I got some ready.

No. Don't drink the
coffee, it's terrible.

Help me, will you, Dr. Melnitz?

Here we go. Ahh!

Felix.

Hmm... mm.

How many pills did you take?

One.

One pill?

When did you take it?

Quarter of 7:00.

I made a house
call because he took

one sleeping pill an
hour and a half ago?

But why would he
take a sleeping pill

at a quarter of 7:00
in the morning?!

Because I wasn't
able to sleep all night.

Felix, what's troubling you?

Hmm?

Dr. Melnitz!

(grunts)

What are you doing here?

Am I all right?

You're fine. You're fine.

You get my bill tomorrow.

It's deductible.

You know something?

I think I'm the only doctor
in New York who's awake

at this hour who doesn't
have a golf club in his hands.

I'll see you.

I called him, Felix.

I saw the empty bottle
of pills, I got worried.

The bottle was empty because
there was only one pill in it.

I used the cotton
to clean my ears.

Okay, Felix... up.

I want you to get up. Get up!

I want you to go down to
the Internal Revenue Service.

I hope they convict you.

I hope you get Capone's cell

and I hope all his opera
records are broken.

Now, vamoose!

Where you going?

You told me to vamoose.

Aren't you gonna
fix my breakfast first?

Is Mr. Unger here?

Yes. Yes, here.

Would you step this way, please?

Well, all these people
are ahead of me.

You're next, Mr. Unger.

We've been waiting for you.

Ah.

Tell me about this guy Ferret.

Is he a tough cookie?

(laughs)

Pretty tough.

Well, he's met his match now,

I'll tell you that.

Pushing innocent people around?

Sit down, Mr. Unger.

Thank you.

Y...

Oh. When when I saw
the name Lee Ferret, I...

I thought it was a
Mr. Ferret, but... but it's not.

What is it? Mrs. Ferret?

Miss Ferret?

Ms. Ferret?

Mr. Unger, in looking
over your, uh... tax return,

I found a small discrepancy.

I make out the finest tax
return of anybody I know!

Now, look at it. Look at it.

Nice, big, clear printing,
different-color inks,

all the sevens the same size.

Oh, yes. That's very
considerate of you.

But you investigate me.

Why don't you investigate
people like my roommate?

He fills out his
return any old way.

He sends it in a month late.

Some years, he
doesn't send it in at all.

But do you investigate
Oscar Madison?

No. You investigate Felix Unger.

(belching)

What are you laughing at?

Mr. Unger, I didn't think
you'd get that upset.

You have a beautiful tax return.

The nicest one I've ever seen.

Cover and everything.

In fact, we're thinking of putting
it on display in the waiting room

instead of the one
that's there now.

And well you should.

There's just one thing.

Yes?

You forgot to sign your check.

That's all?

That's why Uncle Sam wants me?

That's all.

You mean I can
walk in the sun again?

You can walk anywhere
you like, Mr. Unger.

Well, why did you send
me a special delivery letter

in the middle of the night
and scare me half to death?

You could have mailed me this.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience

but, you see, I sent
that letter myself.

We wanted to
meet you personally.

Come on in, everybody!
Mr. Unger is here.

We wanted to shake
the hand of the man

who sends in the
most beautiful tax return

year after year after year.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

Many happy returns!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Well, I'm glad things
ended so easily.

Mr. Unger, just one
more thing. Yes?

That person you mentioned...

The one who doesn't care what
he puts down on his tax return?

Who?

Mr. Oscar Madison? Who?

No, no. I... No. I...

Don't pay any attention
to anything I said.

When I... when I get excited,
I invent imaginary roommates.

I think... What was the
name? What was that?

Oscar Madison. Oscar
Madison. Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.

I live alone.

Carol, will you bring me in
the files on Oscar Madison?

You mean all they wanted
was for you to sign the check?

Yes.

Weren't you crazy
to be so worried?

Well, you know me.
I'm the zany, wacky guy.

Felix, I want to thank you.

I want to tell you, you
made my favorite...

That Mexican food... With
tamales, chili con carne.

Everything I love.

Well, you only live once.

(laughing maniacally)

You're priceless.

Mmm... (laughing harder)

I ought to be more like you.

You know, you don't let little
crazy things upset you. You...

You roll with the old punches.

I get the feeling
I'm being greased.

Now, what are you leading up to?

I'm leading up to
dessert, and I fixed a very,

very special one.

Well, that's lovely.

Every Mexican restaurant I know,

well, they always serve
you this. It's marvelous.

Bananas flambé.

Or burnt bananas.

(laughing hysterically)

You're marvelous!
So uninhibited.

Who else would light
a cigar on a dessert

a man spends four
hours preparing?

You got cool. That's
what you've got.

Felix, come on,
come on, come on.

Now, what's with you
tonight? What are you doing?

(doorbell buzzing)

Come in, Murray.

Oh. Hi, Felix.

Hi, Oscar.

I invited him.

Come on in. Good to see you.

We'll have a nice evening.

Did you bring your gun?

Good. Good.

Have a cup of coffee.

Isn't this nice to have
a little social visit?

See? We don't have many chances

to get together like this
and-and chat, you know?

Chat? What is this, the
Virginia Graham show?

What are we going to chat about?

Well, anything.

We'll talk about, oh,
advances in police science

and criminology.

That's not nice,
Felix. Murray's here.

Let's talk about something
we can all discuss.

Did you tell him yet?

Loose lips sink ships.

Tell me what, Loose Lips?

(nervous giggle)

All right, the shaft's over.

Wait, wait. What is it? What?

Oscar, something very
funny happened. What?

When I think of it, I start
laughing. What happened?

When he told me,
I got hysterical!

(stifled laughter)

Tell me. I could use a laugh.

What is it, Murray? Come on.

Laughter is
contagious, isn't it?

Let me in on the contagion, too.

What is it? What
happened? What? Tell me.

(Felix and Murray
laughing uncontrollably)

What?!

When I was down at the
Bureau of... Revenue...

Come on.

(laughing maniacally)

What?

Well, I inadvertently
said to them that

instead of investigating me,
they ought to investigate you.

(all laughing)

And they're going to do it.

(laughing)

(crying) (Felix laughing)

Mr. Madison, this is impossible.

You want more records?

No, no, no, no.

You see, you're supposed
to list each receipt separately,

not keep a running
total for the year.

Oh, well, do the best
you can. Come on.

I'm doing the best I can.

I... I've been looking
at receipts on...

on the back of cocktail
napkins, matchbook covers,

footballs, basketballs,
hockey pucks... I quit.

Wait a minute!

You promised me that no job
was too big for you to handle.

And you promised me
that I was going to take care

of your income tax,
not clean up your room.

Look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just bring
the tax examiner in here

and plead insanity?

No wonder he got confused.

These are my 1968 receipts.

Let's see.

"Item 28.

"Subtract earned income
from item 13 on form B.

Form B... from accrued
interest on form nine."

Now, where did I put form nine?

Form nine is the tricky one.

Who asked you?

Just pack your pots and
pans and get out, like I told you!

I can't do this!

All right, five and
four are eight and...

Five and four are nine.

Thank you, and
keep your mouth shut!

I'll give you the
mark of the squealer.

I just don't want
you to get in trouble

with the T-men, that's all.

I'll handle it. I'll handle it.

Do you want me
to do that for you?

What?!

Do you want me
to do that for you?

Yeah.

You do want me
to do that for you?

Don't ask me to repeat it.

I'm very bad at humble.

No more outbursts.

No more outbursts,
and I'm sorry.

Look at this. I'm
apologizing to the squealer.

Nobody can stay mad
at Felix Unger very long.

I'm hard to hate. You know why?

Because I'm your friend.

Yeah. A stranger
would walk out on you,

but friends stay together.

The old Felix-Oscar team.

We're together again!

I want you to look at form B.

We're going to plough
through this! Yeah.

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

And another, "Hmm,
hmm, hmm, hmm!".

Say something
encouraging, will you, Felix?

Well, there's always parole.

That's a laugh.

Now, who is Irwin Weintraub?

My bookie.

You can't list your
bookie as a dependent.

Yes, I can. I read
that tax book.

If you're responsible
for more than half

of the financial support of
any person, he's a dependent!

No.

Whose side are you on?

Now, you have $1.50 here
for cleaning and pressing,

but you don't have a date.

It's for the whole year.

(muttering)

You don't list your
outside income.

What outside income?

Well, the money you made when...

outside of the newspaper.

I don't have any of that.

What about those
magazine articles you wrote?

Oh, yeah. Those.

What about that book
you helped ghostwrite?

Oh, yeah. That.

"Oh yeah. Those.
Oh, yeah. That."

Is that what you're
going to tell them

tomorrow down at the office?

No. I'm gonna tell them

I got a roommate
who's a squealer!

I might have known you'd get
around to blaming this on me.

What are you talking about?

I always blamed you. I
never stopped blaming...!

You realize you finked on me to
the United States Government?

But you forgave me.

I never forgave you.

I never said "forgiving."

I said, if you helped,
you could stay.

I never mentioned
the word "forgive."

So you're just using me.

Aw...!

Come on. What about your return?

I haven't finished yet.

Forget it!

I'm gonna go down there,
throw myself at their mercy,

and take my chances!

Why don't you call
Irwin Weintraub?

With your chances,
he'd give you great odds.

(pots and pans clattering)

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!

She's giving me another,
"Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk!"

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!

Now she's back to, "Mm, hmm."

Mr. Madison, I've been
looking forward to meeting you.

You have?

Yes. I couldn't wait
to meet the man

whose tax return has kept
us all laughing for days.

Is that all me there?

That's all you for
the last eight years.

Eight years?

(laughing)

Some of this stuff is priceless!

Mr. Madison, you have
the worst tax returns

I have ever seen in my life.

I've had winos throw in
neater returns on a brick.

Do you want me to take
them and do them over?

No.

You get one chance by yourself.

After that, we do it for you.

Now, this is how much you owe

the United States Government.

Do you take credit cards?

I don't have this kind of money.

Oh, we don't like to hear that.

I didn't enjoy saying it.

I'll just have to turn this over

to our legal department.

(intercom buzzing)
Legal department?

Yes?

Mr. Unger is out here, and
says he must see you right away.

Tell him I can't talk
to him now. I'm b...

I'm sorry to barge
in. Mr. Unger,

will you kindly wait outside?
But I've got something here

that can crack this
case wide open.

Perfect ending to a perfect day.

I've gone over
this man's records

with a fine-tooth comb,

and according to my figures,

you owe Mr. Madison $94.17.

We owe him?

Yes. You're gonna get
her mad, don't get her mad.

You subtract what Oscar owes you

from this figure,
and you'll get $94.17.

What are you talking about?

Did you know that this
man was once married?

Oh, of course, I know that.

I didn't know that.

Did you know that he
pays alimony every month?

Oh boy, do I know that?

I didn't know that.

Do you know that
alimony is deductible?

I know that.

I didn't know that.

Here are his cancelled
alimony checks

for the past eight years.

Oh, come to think of it,

I do remember you
used to file a joint return.

Well, didn't you ever wonder
what happened to his wife?

Looking at the way
he keeps his records,

I just figured he
lost her somewhere.

Thank you very much, Mr. Unger.

My pleasure, Mrs. Ferret.

Hey,

where'd you find
those alimony checks?

They were in a shoe box
marked gambling losses.

Felix, you were so terrific!

I really came in
like the Lone Ranger

at the last minute
and saved the day!

You sure did.

You know I dream of doing that.

I dream of winning the game

in the last minute with
a touchdown... Yeah.

Hitting a home run
at the last second.

What do you dream about?

Living alone.