The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 15 - I Gotta Be Me - full transcript

Now, we shall feast.

Where's Oscar now?

He said he had to
make a phone call.

He makes a phone
call after every course.

Well, at least
he won't get lost.

He leaves a trail of food.

There's the appetizer, there's
the salad, there's the soup.

Oscar, it's time to come in
and spill your main course.

Felix, please calm down.

The soup could've
used more salt.

Why didn't you crunch
some potato chips into it?



I did.

Are you ready for
your main course?

Ready? I'm starving.

We've been here for an hour,

we had the unsalted soup,
uh... sardine on half a cracker.

Look at Murray. He's
ready to gnaw at the table.

Is that true, Murray?

I'm a policeman, Felix.
I'm trained to endure.

Endure?

Next time you come over,
it'll be cookies and cream soda.

What night?

Can we eat now?

First you've got
to taste the wine.

Do you mind if I
stay with the beer?



Wine gives me cramps.

Charming, isn't it?

Fine, drink beer.

You wouldn't
appreciate this anyway.

Your palate committed
suicide years ago.

Now... No, no!
Don't drink it yet!

No, not yet.

No. First we've got to taste
it the way the wine tasters do.

Now, we taste for three things.

For the aroma, the taste

and the aftertaste.

Now, first we smell it.

Mm!

(sniffing)

Can you smell the
flower of the fruit? Yes.

Now, we take a
little in our mouths,

but we don't swallow
it, we roll it around.

And then we aerate
it through our heads

and get the fumes.

Now, here we go.

Mm... Mm... Mm.

(slurping)

(slurping)

You look like an
elephant at a water hole.

And let it rest on your tongue.

Why don't you let something
rest on your tongue,

like the roof of your mouth?

Can we eat?

Did you ever know of
anyone so... Swallow.

(gasping) Isn't that good?

Yeah. Isn't that
a delicious wine?

I must say, the
squab looks wonderful.

Ah, well, I figured that
since Lord Chesterfield here

was dressing for the
occasion, I'd go all out.

Will you look at that?

He treats everything
as if it's a cheeseburger.

Do you have to
drown it in ketchup?

I'm not drowning
it, I'm saving it.

Exactly what do
you mean by that?

That means why don't you
cook food that people like?

Like chili con carne, and
chili hot dogs, tamales...

Murray's a person,
Miriam's a person.

What you're talking
about is ulcer food.

(overlapping arguments)

To tell you the truth, Felix...

I'm getting a terrible headache.

I'm going to have to
go up to my apartment.

Oh, no. Please, please, Miriam.

Yeah, I got to go.
Oh, come on, Murray.

I'm not feeling too good.

Oh, come on. Neither one of
you even touched the squab.

Will you come for
dinner next Friday?

I... may have made other plans.

Yeah, me, too.

Uh... uh... I got to take
the dog in for shots.

Bye. Good night.

BOTH: You see what you did?!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

I drove them away. I love that.

Yeah, you... you and
your compulsive behavior.

You drive everybody crazy.

Listen to the pot calling
the kettle compulsive.

Okay. That's it.
I'll see you later.

What? What? What?

And since you've
driven everybody away,

the least you can do
is help me clean up.

I'll do anything to
keep your mouth shut.

What do you want me to do?

You clear the table.

I'll get the vacuum cleaner.

(TV audio plays)

(vacuum whirring)

(vacuum stops)

(gurgles)

Whoops.

(vacuum whirring)

Get your feet up!

(turns off vacuum)

(vacuum whirs)

Good morning, Felix.

Oscar!

Breakfast!

(yells)

(yells)

I just wanted you to see

what you look like when you eat.

I don't want to
watch myself eat.

I have to watch you eat.

Last night, Miriam
had to watch you eat.

Murray had to watch you eat.

I just want you to see

how ridiculous you
look in the mornings.

I got chilly in the
middle of the night.

(doorbell buzzing) Come in.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Mr. M.

Myrna, come in.
Have some coffee.

Thanks.

You dressed for an
outdoor pajama party?

You got the articles? Yeah.

Then sit, sip and shut up.

You're not going to get
me mad this morning, Mr. M.

I was at my group
therapy last night

and I really feel good.

They're all sicker than me.

Terrific.

And you know, I don't
twirl my hair anymore.

Remember how I
used to twirl my hair?

What's the mirror for?

You're shaving at
the table to save time?

Where's the ketchup?

What for?

I want to kill the
taste of this toast.

What's the matter
with the toast?

It's too light. I like it dark.

No, it's not. It's
the right color.

Dark toast makes
too many crumbs.

And why do you
cut the edges off?

That's my favorite part!

What do you want the edges for?

To keep the jam
from falling off!

I like it!

There's nothing the
matter with this toast.

This is good toast.

Ooh-hoo-hoo, I want you
to look at yourself. Ooh!

I want you to look! I want
you to look when you eat?

Nim-nim-nim-nim, with
your lips, like a bunny rabbit!

Bunny rabbit!

Did you ever?

(slurps) You know, I...

Do you have to make that
awful noise when you swallow?

What noise?

It's disgusting.

It sounds like a
sink backing up.

I've always swallowed like this.

And I've always hated it.

(clicking)

Oh... do you have to click
your fork on your teeth?

It's like eating
with Jose Greco.

Oh, look at the way
be wipes his mouth...

Just the corners!

(both arguing)

scrambled egg or
something right there.

(whispering): I'd
rather live with a goat.

Nobody was stopping you!

If you'll excuse me, I'm
getting a-a-a headache

from all this polite chatter.

I'll-I'll see you
later at the office.

A headache so
early in the morning?

I get headaches all the time.

Because you spend
the night before

trying to out-drink
all of Manhattan,

the Bronx and
Staten Island, too.

Don't sing. Please! Don't
sing! Mr. M? Mr. Unger?

You know, this is just
like my group therapy.

Only nobody's getting better.

Bye.

Well, we did it again.

Did what?

We just drove Myrna out of here.

I'll survive.

Oscar, at this rate,

we're going to
wind up all alone,

two wretched old men,

forgotten by the
world, with no friends.

Huddled in this
room in our shawls.

Mine clean, yours filthy.

And nobody will know we're here.

Terrific.

So when I kill you,
nobody'll find the body.

What's the matter? You
really look depressed.

I'm tired. I was up
most of the night.

On account of a female?

I should have been so lucky.

On account of a Felix.

Again, 4:00 in the morning
with the vacuum cleaner.

(imitates whirring)

It's like living with
a gigantic mosquito.

Surprise!

The bad humor man.

I beg your pardon?

I'll take lunch now.

Play nice, don't fight,

don't hit or yell.

All right, Felix, what
is it? Make it snappy.

I don't have time
to hide your corpse

before Myrna gets back.

Well, I thought we could
have a little bit of a truce

and something of a picnic lunch.

Lunch with you is no picnic.

If that's the way
you feel, buddy, fine.

All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Besides, I'm hungry.

But no lectures on
sloppiness, okay?

All right, no lectures.

Listen. I had the most
fantastic day today.

Guess what I did. What?

I bought a book.

That new bestseller
on psychiatry:

"Finding Your Marbles."

"Finding Your Marbles"?

Yeah, it's by the author
of "I'm Okay, You're Not."

Yeah? What's it about?

It's a... It's about that.

It's about mayonnaise?

No. About gestures.

Now, this may
sound bizarre to you,

but that gesture
indicates a desire

to get rid of something.

What about this gesture?

Are you going to start
all over again, Felix?

I thought you'd be interested.

Well, I'm not.

Now, that's very interesting.

Again I'm interesting.
What'd I do now?

Tell me... have you
always thrown your food?

Now, what kind of a
screwball question is that?

Significant question.

Most people who throw their food

do so from the subconscious
fear that if they don't,

later they may sit on it.

What is that? Chapter Five?

Come on, will you?

Come here, come here, come here.

What do you see?

Dried mustard. No, no, no, no.

But what do you see?

You see, a great deal
of one's personality

can be told by the
interpretation one finds

in indiscriminate shapes.

Now, what do you see there?

You trying to trick me? No, no.

We don't make judgments.

This is just a simple exercise.

I'm curious. Tell me, now.

Use your imagination.

No judgments.

That looks like a duck.

Oscar, you're a
deeply disturbed man.

No judgments.

Cut the charade, Felix.
You're a lousy analyst.

I'm just trying to
wake you up to the fact

that you need help.

I'll wake up if you guarantee

that when I do
you won't be there.

Yes, and then we'll still have

the same old
problems, pal of mine.

Let's face it.

We couldn't live with our wives.

We can't live together... Oh...

Felix, what do you want from me?

Let's try group therapy.

Group therapy?! Yes.

Who needs group therapy?

I love my mother. I do, you do.

No.

I'm going.

All right. All right.

You'll stay home,

and you'll stew
in your psychoses,

and you'll watch
your room ferment.

Why do I need a lot of loonies
to tell me somebody's crazy?

(slurping)

Come to think of it, Felix,

that's a very intriguing idea.

I want to see if I'm good at it.

We'll play, "Can You
Figure This Out," all right?

I want you to figure out...
I'm going to set something up.

I want you to figure it out.

You wait out here,

because I want
to set up, all right?

Now, you wait, okay? Yeah.

All right, now, I want
you to figure this out.

Okay.

Now.

What did I do?

(door rattles)

Oscar, I know what you did.

(doorbell rings)

Yes?

Dr. Able?

Yes. I'm Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, Mr. Unger.

Come in. How do you do?

Sit down.

Thank you, thank you.

Myrna told me about you.

She did?

What did she tell you?

That you were coming
to the session tonight.

Ah.

Well, I'm a little early.

That's... that's a
healthy sign, isn't it?

Being early?

I don't know.

Tell me... what do you do?

Nothing unusual.

I'm perfectly normal.

I mean, for a living.

Oh.

I'm a commercial photographer,
portraits a specialty.

Uh-huh. I take pictures.

Nothing dirty.

Doctor, I... I
feel that I can be

completely open with you.

I hope so.

I'm not here about myself.

Oh?

It's about a friend of mine.

His name is Oscar Madison.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

Dr. Able, I'm Oscar Madison.

Oscar.

Felix.

I thought you weren't coming.

Ah, well, I got curious,

I found I was in
the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop in.

Eh, Myrna Turner's my secretary.

She said you wouldn't mind.

I guess not, uh...

but since this is your first
meeting with the group,

I'd rather you
didn't participate.

Mm-hmm. Just observe.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Mm, changed your mind, heh?

No, I didn't change my mind.

Don't sit on the
arm of the chair!

I still think it's ridiculous.

Well, I'm glad you came.

I'm proud of you.
Well, don't be.

I'm just going to sit on the
sidelines, not get involved,

and I'm going to
watch what happens.

Don't eat the doctor's candy!

Ever since I was 16,
I've had this problem.

Men seem to want
me only for my body.

Animals. Animals.

I have a terrible time.

I mean, I can't
hide what I look like,

but that's all that
men seem to see. Yes.

And then when they
stare at me that way...

my eye begins to twitch.

Of course. I can
understand that.

I don't want to be just
another pretty face.

I do.

Look at that. Look at that.

Did you ever see
anybody so inconsiderate?

In a room full of people,
without permission,

he lights a cigar.

(nasal honking) Oh-oh-oh,
now watch him honk.

Here comes the honking.

A flock of geese, you're
gonna think, flew by.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Oh, with the spray.

Gents. (honking)

Put the cigar out!

I'll put it out.

(snorts, honks)

Go ahead, Marie.

Thank you, um...

Ah, I'd like to work on a
dream that I had this morning.

Uh-huh. (honks)

It was really a wonderful dream.

I dreamed that I
was standing naked

before the 409th
Field Artillery Division

and they were only
interested in my mind.

They wanted to talk to me.

Well, I felt I was
making progress.

Good.

Yes, but you're
completely ignoring

the meaning of the
dream, my dear child.

How can you overlook
what the artillery stands for?

That's impossible.
Mr. Unger, you're interrupting.

You see? You're doing it.

You set yourself
up as an authority.

You're a walking encyclopedia.
I don't set myself up...

Yes, you do. This girl
came here for help, right?

Yes, but not from you,
from the doctor. All right,

but anybody can see what
her problem is. Anybody?!

Okay, stop! Stop it!

That's enough
interpersonal encounter,

Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison.

Look what you're
doing to the group.

Marie's eye is twitching.

DR. ABLE: Harold's
eating a candy bar.

Myrna's twirling her hair again.

Please, wait in the other room.

But what did I do?

Just wait in the other room
until the session is over.

Then I'll talk with you.

You did it again.

The ultimate humiliation...

Kicked out of group therapy.

Good night, Myrna.

Good night.

I owe you one.

Mr. Unger, Mr. Madison.

Will you step in here, please?

I'm sorry I had to do that,

but you were a disrupting
influence with the group.

Doctor, what are we going to do?

Well, I have a suggestion,
if you're interested.

Yes, yes. Not me.

Oh, come on, maybe
you'll learn something.

Well, we sometimes
do a thing called

role reversal in group therapy.

Role reversal.

Yes, yes, that's
in chapter seven.

Oh, you read that book, too.

Yes. Yes.

Well, as I see it, neither
one of you recognize

your responsibility
in this conflict.

You blame each
other. You got it.

Thank you.

Using role reversal...

You being him, him
being you... Often helps.

Oscar... what are you doing?

Wipe your feet.

I did.

Well, wipe them again.

You're not coming into
this clean apartment

with city soot on your shoes.

What's got into you?

Oscar.

If you want to talk to me,

call me by my rightful name.

I'm Felix.

Well, Felix was never so stupid

as to put on his
tuxedo to do housework.

I'm Felix, and you're late,

and our guests will
be here any minute.

All right, if you
want role reversal,

I'll give you role reversal.

If that's what you
want, here... watch this.

It's like living in
a locker room.

I had a miserable day,
buddy, so don't bug me.

Just put the chow on the table.

Wash your hands.

Want me to wash my
hands, I'll wash my hands.

He's going to wash
in the kitchen sink.

What do you want me
to do in the kitchen sink?

Don't you dare.

Where're the towels?

In the drawer with the doilies.

Never mind.

Oh, not on the...!

How could I do such a thing?!

The last two yards.

Well, at least we're going
to have a wonderful dinner,

if my fondue doesn't curdle.

You got to keep beating it.

It's my fondue,
and you're Oscar.

Then put some ketchup in it.

Something smells good.

I'm baking a
strawberry fudge cake.

So don't stomp
too hard, or it'll fall.

(tapping) Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

(doorbell buzzes)

Who's coming for dinner?

Your opera group to listen to
a bunch of screaming Italians?

(doorbell buzzes)

No, Miriam and Murray.

They're our objective observers.

Murray, bring your nose in here.

You're breathing up
all the air in the hall.

You're right, they're
really doing it.

Gee, Felix, I've never
seen you looking so rotten.

MURRAY: You
make a perfect Oscar.

Oscar, we're here,
just like you asked.

Oh, just like I asked,
just like I asked.

Did I ask you to come
five minutes late?

How am I to throw a successful
party if my guests come late?

I work my fingers to the bone,
no one appreciates it at all.

Stop muttering and put
the chow on the table.

I'm running this party, and
there'll be no enjoyment.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no.

No, Miriam, I want
you to sit there.

Murray, you'll sit there.

You know, and you'll...
Oh, I wish I had my...

Who cares where they sit?!

I don't care where I sit, as
long as I sit in front of food.

Now, I opened the wine,

and it's been breathing
for eight minutes.

Now, if we don't drink it
in the next 43 seconds,

it is going to go flat.

Here's a dollar, buy
another three bottles.

(yells)

Murray! FELIX: Murray.

No dunking.

OSCAR: Sip it slowly.

I want some beer.

Swallow, swallow.

Did you like the wine?

Mm-hmm. Did you
absolutely love it?

Were you thrilled by it?

Remember, you're dealing
with a compulsive nut

who could crack at any minute.

Look at this.

Now, that's what I call eats.

All over my rug!

Oh, and I vacuumed so hard.

At 4:00 in the morning,

even when people
are watching television.

The air is too fresh in here.

I need a cheap cigar.

You're trying to tell me
you don't like my cigar?

Just speak up.

I don't like your cigar.

Is that your wine? Yes.

In my wine, I don't believe it.

I'm not going to ruin good beer.

Did you see what... he's
going to ruin my party.

I can't stand it.

My sinuses.

(honking)

Now that's no fair.

That is... (honking)

That's not fair, making
fun of a man's afflictions.

That's... Oh, what about
me? You exaggerated.

I don't spill beer
all over everything.

Of course you do.
You stain every...

That is a lie! Look at that.

Look at that. What is that?

Columbus Day two years ago.

Prove it! Prove it! Oh, come on.

There's one thing
in role reversal,

and there's another
thing in just take...

Why you know that... Wait.

Please don't. I'm getting
another headache.

You see, you're
giving her a headache.

You're the one who gave her
the headache. You're the one

who's been carrying
on like a... No. Stop it.

Neither one of you
gave me a headache.

You both did. We both did?

That's right.

It isn't the smoking
or the spraying

or any of the things you do.

It's the fighting and
the constant arguing

we can't stand. Is
that right, Murray?

(hiccups): Ditto.

Well, Felix?

I think maybe she's right.

Look, if... if we try hard,

real hard not to fight,

Yeah. Won't you stay, please?

He cooked for three hours.

We won't fight. I
swear we won't.

We'll really try. We'll make up.

Yeah. We'll dip
the fork of friendship

in Oscar's fondue. Yeah.

Do you realize this is
the first time in three years

I've lived here that
he's cooked anything?

I got the recipe out
of the "Hobo News."

You're going to love it. Oh,
it really does smell good.

Oh, it's sensational.
Wait'll you taste it.

Needs ketchup.

You know, it behooves
us to ask ourselves,

what did we learn
from this experience?

And I learned something.

I learned how I seem to you.

"Would that God
the gift He give us,

to see ourselves
as others see us."

Think of that.

You really had me down right.

It was great, it was really...

One thing, though.

I think I sing a little
bit better than you.