The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 14 - Sometimes a Great Ocean - full transcript

They sent me a
lopsided typewriter.

(typing)

Not bad. Three down, one to go.

What took you so long?

I think I'm naturally slow.

Also, they're not used to making
pizzas with fried eggs on them.

Put it on the table, will you?

On the table, on
the table! You blind?

You can't see a table?
Put it on the table.

You got plenty of anchovies?

Plenty of anchovies.



Onions? Onions.

Hot peppers? Hot,
extra hot peppers.

You told them to leave
the cheese off, didn't you?

Right.

Good, 'cause that
cheese will kill you.

What is this?

A note from the pizzeria?

"Good luck, pisano!" Very funny.

Did you finish the columns yet?

Almost, almost. But you said...

I'm typing, I'm typing!

What a way to live.

I know you're
trying to, you know,

get away for a vacation,



but trying to finish two weeks
work in one day is crazy.

Better slow down or you'll
be writing your own obituary.

I got to finish this column.

I want to go to Las Vegas.

I want nothing on my mind
while I'm watching the girls

with nothing on their body.

Look at that!

Look at that! Exactly as
I left him eight hours ago.

That's the only food
you've eaten, too.

No. I had a Polish sausage
sandwich an hour ago.

Did you ever?

Hi.

He hasn't had a decent
meal in four days.

Stop nagging
me, will you, Felix?

Nagging?

Here, honey, take these
down to the office right away.

Send a messenger
to pick up the one

I'm typing right now, okay? Nagging
is telling him what he should eat?

Then I'm going to
Madison Square Garden.

I'm going to cover the
afternoon basketball game,

then I'm going to
be in the press box.

I'm going to have dinner there.

Then I'm going to come
back here and I'll be in time

No cheese. to catch the rerun
of the soccer game from Peru.

Okay, good-bye.

I should have been a general.

Oh, boy... What's the matter?

(stomach rumbling)
What is it? Your ulcer?

Yeah. You'd better
call Dr. Melnitz.

I knew it.

I knew it.

Don't take that. I'm not
through yet. (groans)

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

I warned him, Doctor.
I pleaded with him.

I tried to impress on him the
God-given gift of good health,

but he wouldn't listen to me.

It's like talking
to a brick wall.

Did you ever try to
talk to a brick wall?

Felix, you are the reason

doctors don't like
to make house calls.

I know it. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. I talk too much.

From now on, my lips are sealed.

I was only trying to help.

You helped enough
by getting him out here.

It's just that I have

this strong sympathetic
reaction to pain.

I remember when
my wife was pregnant.

I went through
everything with her.

I had the swollen ankles.

I had the morning sickness.

I had the depression.

I even waddled when I walked.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Okay, once more.

Deep breath.

Hurt here?

Uh-uh.

Here?

No. Here?

Ah, yeah!

That's the spot.

Thank you.

It's his ulcer, isn't it?

It's rearing its
ugly head again.

It's ripping its way right
through that stomach wall.

Rip, rip, rip, rip.

How are you at
wiring a fractured jaw?

Rip, rip, rip!

Oscar, you promised me this time

that you were gonna
take care of yourself.

I've been trying, Doc.

He's been trying, Doc.
He's been trying, Doc.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I won't know
anything for sure

until all the tests are in.

But one thing I'm
certain: any more anxiety,

any more tension,

you could be out completely.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, will you stop with the head?

Look, I was thinking
about going to Las Vegas.

You go to Las Vegas,
you'll go in a box.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Will you stop with the nodding?

Look, my philosophy
about sickness

is if you ignore
it, it'll go away.

Oh! Let me write that down!

I'd like to write
that down, too.

Doctor, I've taken the liberty
of preparing a menu for Oscar.

Felix, if you're angling

for some kind of
fee-splitting, forget it.

However, he's got a point.

I want you to be especially
careful with your diet.

Only bland foods. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Call me Monday and let
me know how you're feeling.

I'll make sure that he
calls you Monday, Doctor.

(hushed): Doctor...

what should I do?

Take care of him

and see that he stays in bed.

I'll make sure he stays in bed,

but, uh, how often
should I check on him?

I don't know, every
couple of hours.

I've got to go to work, but
I'll sneak back from work.

Just tell me one thing.
In case of emergency,

how much responsibility
are you leaving in my hands?

Well, let me put it this way.

You can take his temperature,

but call me before you operate.

(knocking) Yeah.

Here we go with surprises!

What are you doing?

Playing solitaire.

You're not cheating,
are you? Oh, no.

'Cause cheating makes guilt,

and guilt makes acid.

Dejeuner est
servez, but first...

And now the big
wonderful surprise.

What is it? What is it?

Look at this!

Clear soup, two
soft-boiled eggs,

tapioca pudding,

and what is this
wonderfulness here you've got?

I have never seen
that, I'm afraid.

What is that?

Steamed celery.

Steamed celery.

Not exactly a
dish fit for a king,

but then, you're not
Henry the VIII, are you?

You're Oscar, the sick.

(laughs)

You know, they should hire
me to cheer up sick people.

How is it, huh? Good?

Mmm, good.

You know, Felix,
do you ever think

about cooking for a hospital?

That good, huh? Ooh...

I love to see you eat.

Every slurp brings you that
much closer to good health.

And Las Vegas.

Well, I've got to go
back to work. Okay.

Is there anything you need?

You're going to be all right?

What can happen to
me in bed, sheet burns?

You're right.

Don't you worry, fella, 'cause
I'm going to pull you through.

I know you are.

Trust me. I do.

I'm on your side, you know.

I'm lucky to have
a friend like you

who comes home from work to
make me such a delicious lunch.

Thank you, Felix

I really... I can't tell you
how much I... (door shuts)

Steamed celery?

Soft-boiled eggs, runny
yet, salty, stinky soup.

Hello, Myrna. Oscar.

Yes. Same place, same pizza,

same eggs, but tell
'em to hold the note!

Hello, Mr. Madison.

Hector, in here. Second door.

Mr. Madison?

Who are you?

I'm Monroe Hernandez,
the super's son.

I'm following in my
father's footsteps.

Oh, Hector's kid.

Yeah. He asked
me to give you this...

Oh, the racing form.
Good. Thanks, kid

Boy, who would believe it?

Right here in a
luxury building, a slum.

I don't need your
jokes, kid. Good-bye.

Yeah, but Mr. Unger asked us
to install a reading lamp for you.

Do you have to do it now?

Uh, yes.

I have a guitar
lesson this afternoon,

because I don't want to
follow in my father's footsteps.

Where would you like it?

Put it anywhere.

Hello, Sam. Oscar. Yeah.

Listen, I want to put 20 dollars

to win on Jackknife
in the seventh.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Madison.

You got an electrical
outlet in this room?

Sure.

Where are you hiding it?

I'm not hiding it.
It's behind the, uh...

It's behind somewhere.
Take a look.

You'll find it.

Yeah. Listen,

how did Judy's
Bill do in the third?

He didn't even show?
He was the favorite!

I gotta beg. All right,

20 to win on Jackknife,
seventh. Right.

Mr. M?

You can come in, Myrna.

Ulcers aren't contagious.

Come on. Let me have it.

I brought what you called me

to bring, but I'm
not happy about it.

I'm not concerned
with your happiness.

I'm concerned with my happiness.

Yeah, well, suppose the
doctor caught you eating that?

I'm not concerned
about the doctor either.

I'm worried about Felix.

Mr. Madison? What?

I don't mean to disturb you,

but that stuff
moved all by itself.

Oh, that's Monroe.

Monroe, Myrna.

Myrna, Monroe Hernandez.

Hi, Myrna. Hi.

He's looking for an outlet.

Have you tried tennis?

An electrical outlet.

What's that?

Oh, it's a get-well card.

Signed by everyone
in the office.

Oh, that's sweet.

What are all these
numbers besides the names?

Oh, that's how much money
you owe each of them. (laughs)

They really hope you get
better quick and get back to work.

Go help him find
an outlet, please.

Hi, Myrna.

Hi, Murray.

Hey, Oscar, the front
door was unlocked.

That's an open
invitation to criminals.

And New York City Police.

Here, Oscar, get well quick.

What am I? Sea Biscuit?

Where'd you get the flowers?

I was assigned to a funeral.

It's the smell that counts.

They smell like formaldehyde.

Did you bring the guys
like I asked you? Yeah.

Okay, get them
in here, will you?

I got the cards and everything.

Did the doctor say
it's okay? Yeah, yeah.

You sure he did?

Want to see the note?

Get them, will you?

Hey, fellas, come on in.

You remember Tom and Mike?

Hi, fellas.

I'm going to Las Vegas
in a couple of days.

I want to get warmed up.

Okay, this'll be a
quarter and a half,

five card stud, and
Murray, you can deal.

Hey, that's against the law.

Call a cop.

Oh!

What can I do? What can I do?!

I'd like a beer.

Murray'd like a hot chocolate.

And you, you call
yourself Oscar's friend.

You could have done
irreparable damage

to that poor soul in there.

I just hope I got
back here in time.

Well, I had no choice.

Mr. M called and threatened me.

He threatened you?

Yeah, he said if I
didn't bring him food

he'd tell the whole
office my secret.

What secret?

Well, this isn't
my original nose.

What about you,
Officer Greshler?

It's my original nose.

I'm ashamed of you, Murray.

If you had any medals,
I'd rip them right off you!

But Felix, Oscar's
my friend. He's sick.

And I'm a policeman.

I don't have time to
unravel your logic, Murray.

And you?

I just came up
here to do my job.

I gotta do my job.

But you were there.
You saw a sick Oscar.

Why didn't you
throw those men out?

When was the last time

you saw a Puerto Rican
throw out three cops?

Be that as it may,

you all know better
than to disturb Oscar.

For shame, shame!

Can we leave now?

No! In a minute.

I'm sorry, but Oscar
means a lot to me.

He means a lot to all of us.

It's just that it's impossible
to isolate Oscar in this town.

He needs to be someplace
where it's quiet and restful

and where there's
nothing going on.

He could come to my
house any Saturday night.

I could put him in solitary.

How about the basement,
the storage room?

It's filthy down there.

He'll fit right in.

Oh, no, none of that's any good.

We need someplace where I...

(ship's horn blowing)

(horn blowing)

(bell clanging)

Hey, Felix, this is great... I
got to hand it to you. Yeah?

If we'd gone to Vegas,
I would've gotten sick.

You can bet on
that. A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You see? I'm just as funny
on sea as I am on land.

And this is a great
compromise, see?

I can swing when I want; I
can relax when you want.

Yeah, well, we both
needed a vacation.

There's... there's something I want
to tell... Hey, where is everybody?

I thought this was a
get-acquainted party. It is.

I just wanted to get here early
so we could get our own porthole.

Hey, Felix, I hear the girls that
come on cruises are swingers,

and salt air's better
than vodka, huh?

Well, don't get your hopes up.

I tell you, you're
here to rest...

Yeah, well, I'll rest with some
of the other passengers, huh?

Where is everybody?
They're here.

They're all on a tour;
they'll all come together.

There's something
I've got to tell you.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me... I know the rules.

It's every man for himself, huh?

(people chattering) Hey, here
they come! Here they come!

Do me a favor, now? What?

Big smile. That's the way
I want to remember you.

(lively chatter)

WOMAN: But the
thing is, I just don't know

what to do with
this hearing aid.

(overlapping chatter)

Come on, let's sit over here.

He's sitting over there.

Oh, dear.

I'm glad I'm a senior citizen.

Is this all of them?

No, just the ones who
could make it downstairs.

Nice, relaxing cruise!

SS Lawrence Welk!

Hi.

(grumbles) What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

We just left New York.

I'm getting off
at the first stop.

The first stop is New York.

You mean, this
boat doesn't stop?

Once around the Atlantic.

Then I'll hijack the ship.

I'll demand a million
dollars and an inner tube!

Oscar, maybe...

maybe I owe you an
apology. You bet you do.

For 30 years, I've wanted
to take a swinging cruise,

and then you book me on a boat
where everybody calls me "sonny."

I thought this cruise would
be good for your condition.

The lifestyle of senior
citizens is a nice, easy pace.

What pace? Nobody moves!

They're lovely people...
Try to enjoy them.

Now, come on, unpack.
No. I'm not gonna unpack.

Oh, don't be silly.
I'm not gonna unpack!

All right, I'm unpacked, okay?

Hey, matey, matey, sir,
sir, please, come in here.

You've got to help me, sir...
I've got to get off this ship.

Look, will you tell
that to the captain?

I am the captain.

Oh, listen, Captain... Captain.

Passenger Unger out of
New York reporting, sir.

Glad to be aboard, sir.

Excellent, excellent.

(chuckles): Uh, what
seems to be the trouble here?

Well, passenger Madison
seems to have trouble relaxing.

Relaxing? I'm so relaxed,
I'm dying of boredom.

What is there to
do on this ship?

Where's the activities director?

Well, I'm afraid there
isn't one this time out.

We took on a new
activities director,

and he spends most
of his time at the rail.

You mean, there's no one to help

these nice people
have a good time?

'Fraid not. Captain, begging
the captain's pardon, sir.

Passenger Unger volunteers
to be activities director.

Felix, what are you doing?

These people are
in their golden years.

They deserve the best.

And you're gonna lend a
little tarnish to their lives.

I think that's a good idea.

We need kids like you.

Here's a whistle, and
you'll find a hat in room 102.

Oh, thank you Captain!

(bell clanging)

Carry on with
your... boat business.

"Carry on with
your boat business!"

Captain, why do you
give him a job like that?

I learned one rule at sea:

When you got a troublemaker,
give him a whistle.

You want a whistle?
No. I want some food!

Look at this menu...
I don't believe it here!

They got mashed potatoes,
pea soup, mashed bananas.

Don't you have any food
for people with teeth?

Why don't you eat
what I eat? What's that?

Salami, tacos, pizza...
What's that noise?

That's my stomach.
Captain, please tell me,

where do I get pizza and
tacos and all that stuff?

Try old Arlo Tupple.

Arlo Tupple.

Right. Okay.

All this looks
pretty good. I'll...

Three dollars for this sandwich?

Three dol...

That's piracy on
the high seas! Here!

Three dollars.

You see that? Three
dollars. What kind of sand...

It's got ketchup on it.

Can you believe that?

(blows whistle)

Now hear this! Now hear this!

All hands on deck!

Hello, folks. I'm
Passenger Unger.

Now, the Captain has informed
me we have no activities director,

so I volunteered
myself for the job.

(cheering) Thank you, thank
you, thank you. Stand easy.

The captain gave me
this hat and the whistle,

and he's given me your folders.

Now, we're all aboard
for our health, aren't we?

So I'm going to make sure
that we all follow the rules

so that we have a
healthy, happy voyage.

Thank you, mateys.

We're also going to have fun!

(cheering) But
medically sound fun!

I'm going to see that we
all follow our doctors' orders.

Well, like it or lump it, we're
all in the same boat, aren't...

(laughing loudly)

I made a nautical joke!
You see? I'm funny.

Listen, Captain Queeg,
what is "medically sound fun"?

It means, Passenger Madison,

that we don't
cheat on our diets.

Look at this.

Ham and salami and cheese
for a man with an ulcer.

Give me the sandwich. Felix.
Shape up or ship out, Madison.

Felix! That sandwich
is worth three dollars!

And what is your stomach worth?

Am I right? Am I right?

Well, ahoy there,
Mrs... Grapney.

Yes, we met at the
passenger meeting, didn't we?

Yes. Oh, yes,
you're the clean boy.

(chuckles)

Have you taken your pills?

Oh, yes, yes, but, you see,
now I'm switching to prunes.

Well, you can
always trust a prune.

No, no, thank you, but I
want you to promise me

that you're going to
take your pills, too.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will.

You'd better do what he says

or he'll have a temper tantrum.

That's a good little
lady, Mrs. Grapney.

Well, ahoy there, mate.

You're the equipment
monitor, aren't you?

Bingo cards?

No, no, no, no.

Darts? No. No equipment.

What's your name, sailor?

Coswell.

Coswell.

Yes, well, now,
according to this,

work in the cage is a
little too strenuous for you.

Oh, I-I always work in the cage.

I've been in here
on seven cruises.

Well, then it's time you
had a nice, good rest, isn't it?

But cages are my life.

I... I used to be a
wild animal trainer.

Do you want me
to tell your daughter

that you refused to
obey doctor's orders?

Oh, no. No, no, I'll come out.

My daughter's more
dangerous than any wild animal.

Good boy. Good...

Well, how are we
doing, Mr. Larson?

Having the time of
your life, aren't you?

Sure you are!

There she is... full of prunes!

Your friend is causing an
awful lot of bad feelings.

And all we want to do is
just do what we want to do.

Can't you explain
that to your friend?

All right, everybody come
here, come on, we'll talk.

(hushed): I'll tell you...

Huh? Huh? What?

(inaudible whispering)

(whistle blows nearby)

Now hear this!
All hands on deck!

All hands on deck!

Stop that jabbering, mister.

Now, we're going
to have fun today!

Guess what we're going to do?

Dust each other.

No.

We're going to play Simon says.

Now, first, let me
go over the rules.

Uh, we know the rules.

You do? Good. Then I
don't have to tell you, do I?

Okay, everybody line
up on this line right here.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, I know.

Very good! You
got me, didn't you?

I forgot to say
"Simon says." Okay.

Simon says,

line up on this line right here.

Good.

Very good.

Okay, just put your
toes on the line.

No, stop. You're coming too far.

Simon says stop.

Simon says halt.

Simon says help.

This is the last
time I volunteer

for anything.

(lively music plays in distance)

Sounds like a swinging party.

Oh. That's the record player.

The party's been
over for two hours.

There's too much excitement.

Everybody went
back to their cabins.

Well, I hope you're happy...

You won't have Felix Unger
to kick around anymore.

I need my pills, Felix.

Aha! In other words, it's Felix
Unger to the rescue once more, huh?

Don't put it in other words...
Just give me my pills.

Why wouldn't you listen to me?

Why don't you listen
to me? I need my pills.

Let bygones be bygones.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!

When will you learn your lesson?

Do you think I wanted
to come on this cruise?

I did it for you.

And look at the thanks I get...

You throw me in the brig, and you
confiscate my hat and my whistle.

The passengers were
having a nice enough time,

and then you instigate a riot.

Now that everybody... everybody's
on the brink of serious illness,

you come crawling
back on your knees to me

and beg for
forgiveness. Hold it!

I'm holding it. Now,
just hold it. And sit down!

All right, I'm gonna tell
you something, Felix,

for your own good,
and for my good, too.

Now, I've known you a long time,

and I think I know you
pretty good. Pretty well.

That's exactly what I mean!

Pretty good, pretty
well... who cares?

I don't care... You
think Mr. Larson cares,

Mrs. Grapney cares? No!

Only Felix the Perfect cares!

Speak for yourself, Oscar.

I'll speak for everyone.

You're so compulsively perfect,

you drive everyone
to be extreme.

Mr. Larson didn't
want to do the carioca.

He would've been very happy

to take a moderate stroll
around the poop deck.

And Mrs. Grapney,
you think she wanted

to throw her pills overboard?

She wanted to alternate...
A prune for a pill,

a pill for a prune,
a prune for a pill.

Who's it gonna hurt? Nobody!

I don't understand the
way you operate, Felix.

Don't you see, you
made me eat nine tacos.

I would have been
happy with six.

All right, I get your message.

What should I do?

Well, how about the
middle, a little moderation?

All right, I'll...
I'll take it easy.

If you'll take it easy. Done.

Okay.

Can I have my hat back?

And my whistle?

Ah, good.

And I promise, I won't
go overboard anymore.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You see?

I haven't lost the
famous Unger humor.

I have to rush ahead. Why? Why?

Have to wash the whistle.

Hello, Mr. Unger. Hi, Mr. Unger!

Well, hello, you two.

Well, do my eyes deceive me,

or have you got something
going for you there?

You're right. I
don't mind a bit.

Shipboard romance, huh?

We just dropped by to tell you

that we saw
Mr. Madison up on deck

(chuckles): and he had
Mr. Tupple's raincoat on.

Yeah, he bought it for $50!

Oh, no.

And he promised me he
was going for moderation.

Oscar, what happened to you?

I went on deck to
sneak a salami sandwich,

and a flock of seagulls
attacked my coat.