The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 13 - Don't Believe in Roomers - full transcript

Are you ready to order yet?

Uh... no, I'm, uh, still
waiting for my friend.

Uh... excuse me.

Uh... do you mind if I
borrow part of your paper?

You can have it all.
I'm finished with it.

Thank you.

And they say New York
is an unfriendly place.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,



but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

Lady. Lady?

Lady!

You all right, lady?

Hey, miss. Lady.

Hey, waitress. Waitress,
can you help me here, please?



I'm sorry. This is not my table.

Hey, lady. Please.
Please, will you, look...

I'll sit her up, and I'll
loosen her clothing,

and I'll get arrested.

Lady, please.

You all right?

What happened?

What happened? You
fainted. You sick or something?

No, I... I don't think so.

Hey, are you, uh,
um-um-um, you know?

I don't know.

You don't know if you're
boom-boom, like that?

No, I mean, I don't know what
"boom-boom-boom-boom" means.

Are you pregnant?

No.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know what came over me.

Oh... Uh! Take it easy.

Now, just relax, will you?

Uh, no, no, I'm
all right, really, I...

I guess I was
just a little hungry.

I know what you mean.

The service
around here is lousy.

Hey, what about the
lady's order here? Shh-shh!

No, they expect you to shout.

Hey, the lady's starving!

What's the matter
with you people?

Look, I better leave
before they kick me out.

No, I'm telling you,
they expect you to shout.

Now, just relax, will you?

No, but I've been
eating their crackers.

That's all right. They're
free. Five baskets of them?

Hey, when's the last time
you had any real food?

Well, let's see.
Today's Thursday.

So that'd be Wednesday...

Now, don't say another
word. I'll take care of it.

Waitress, I want
to order some food.

I know. I'm not
sitting at your table.

Ready to order?

Now I'm sitting at her table.

Yeah, I'd like a plate
of spaghetti for, uh...

What'd you say your
name was? Uh, Lisa.

Lisa. I want another
plate of spaghetti

and mashed potatoes
with gravy, huh? And fast.

Right.

Lady, you shouldn't come to
New York without any money.

Oh, I brought money,
but, uh, somebody stole it...

Right out of my purse.

Where you staying?

Well, uh, the last three nights

I've been sleeping
on the subway.

On the subway?

I slept on the subway once.

They woke me up
in time for the strike.

Your stomach must
have some story to tell.

Listen, you're
coming home with me.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't
have any funny ideas.

I'm just offering you
my roommate's room,

that's all.

Does he have any funny ideas?

Plenty, but he's away
for a couple of days.

Where's your luggage?

Right here.

That's it?

I checked it.

At Harry's Pawn Shop?

While we're there,
I'll visit my watch.

Go ahead, start without me.

Here.

You want salt on that?

You got any bread over there?

Well, this is it.

I must have left
the window open.

Well, it's, uh... very nice.

Well, it's usually nicer,
but Felix is out of town.

I let things slip
a little, you know.

Oh, oh, no, I think it
looks fine, uh... Thank you.

Are you a professional athlete?

Me? Are you kidding?

Well, you look like
you could be one.

Oh, thanks. No, I
just write about sports.

Oh, I love sports! Do you?

Yes, I'm always reading
the sports section.

That's great.

Yeah.

Um...

Is your roommate in sports, too?

Felix? Mm-hmm.

Sports to him is the
Betty Crocker bake-off.

He's really a very
good photographer.

He's in Chicago
on an assignment.

Oh, a photographer
and a sportswriter.

Wow, you both must
lead very interesting lives.

Nah, we just do our job.

Oh, listen. Felix's
room is down the hall.

If you need anything,
just let me know.

I'll be right there.

Oh, I couldn't possibly

ask you for anything else.

You've been wonderful.

Well, I was kind of...

You make me feel so safe.

"Safe."

Okay. You're safe here, Lisa.

Safe Lisa. Good night.

Good night, Oscar.

Good old safe Oscar.

Oh, uh... which
one is Felix's room?

The one with the little rug

in front of it to
wipe your feet on.

Look at this room.

How could he...?

I've been gone two days.

Leaves the lights on.

Oh...

(Felix gargling)

(sighs)

Oh...

It's not my birthday.

Oscar?

Oscar.

Huh?

What are you doing home?

Any other evening,
I'd enjoy a little joke.

You know me and
my sense of humor,

but tonight I'm
very, very tired.

What are you talking about?

Would you be kind
enough to explain to me

who you rented my room to?

Oh, oh... Her name is Lisa.

Thank you. It's nice to know

the people you're sleeping with.

Wait a minute, Felix.

It's not what you think.

Never mind that. What...?

Who is this... Lisa?

Yeah, well, she's a poor kid.

She's got no job,
she's got no place to go.

If she hadn't met me
tonight she'd be sl...

You met her tonight? Yeah.

You gave my clean
bed to a perfect stranger?

Where am I supposed
to sleep... on the sofa?

No. It was my fault.

I'll sleep on the sofa.

You sleep here.

Bite your tongue.

(nasal honking)

Excuse me.

I thought I heard a car.

You must be Felix. I'm Lisa.

I know.

(honks)

That's my robe you're wearing.

Looks very good over my pajamas.

(honks)

Don't you take
anything for that?

I take everything for it,
including what I'm making now.

Oh, I've got a remedy I
bet you've never taken.

You want to bet?

Oh, my, what a
well-stocked kitchen.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?!

Oh, now, What are
you doing to my kitchen?

You just relax... I'll
have this whipped up

in a minute. It'll
cure your sinuses.

I'm touched by your
concern, my dear,

but my condition is so extreme

I'm leaving my
sinuses to science.

Why don't you go back to bed?

I'll sleep on the sofa.

Well, you can certainly
sleep in your own bed.

No, you started
it, you finish it.

You're wonderful.

You can make jokes
in the face of adversity.

New York has made me tough.

This smells good.

Oh, it tastes even better.

Now, you just let it
come to a simmer.

Then drink it down as hot
as you can stand it, okay?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to freshen
up before I leave.

You're leaving in the
middle of the night?

No, no, come on. You'll stay.

Only if you let me
sleep on the couch.

All right.

Oh! I think that's ready.

Really?

Oscar says that
you just got here.

You don't have
a job or anything.

Now, just drink that
down as fast as you can.

It's good.

Mmm! That's very good.

That really gets up in
there, doesn't it? Mmm.

Opens them up, Oh,
yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I can feel them
draining now, yeah.

Mmm. (honks) Mmm...

How did you know about this?

I'm a fellow sufferer. (honks)

Say no more.

(honks)

(honks)

(honking)

(honking)

Hey, Felix, that smells
better than usual.

Lisa. I thought you were Felix.

He always makes...

Breakfast is almost ready.

How did you sleep last night?

Felt like I slept in
the Holland Tunnel.

I heard a lot of
cars... honk, honk.

Listen, I appreciate, I mean,
you don't have to do that.

Oh, please. It's
the least I can do.

Uh, why don't you
just go sit down,

and I'll be right out. Okay.

(loud humming)

What's that?

That's Felix, trying
to clear his ears.

(loud humming)

Once, a moose
showed up at the door.

You made it, uh? Good, good.

Don't go in the kitchen.

Why not? You
made a mess in my...

I've told you 5,000...

Something smells very
good in there. What? What?

Lisa.

Lisa? What?

She's fixing breakfast. Come on.

In my kitchen she's
fixing our breakfast? Yeah.

And she's doing very well.
Well, that's some recommendation

from Mr. Ketchup- on-Everything!

It's like eating
on a battlefield.

Ah, look.

Ah, good morning! Good morning!

For you... How did
you know my favorite?

Scrambled eggs, mashed
potatoes with gravy.

And for you, Felix,
eggs Benedict.

I love eggs Benedict!

Oh, I forgot the juice. Oh...

You want some?

Any left?

She's some doll.

Mmm! Now you're
glad I brought her home.

Right? Darn right.

And freshly-squeezed
orange juice.

Oh, how sweet.

And no pits!

I hope you like the extra
touch. I put champagne in it.

Oh, bless you, my child.

(sighs) And, for you...

Hey! Tomato juice!

I hope you like the extra
touch. I put beer in it.

Oh, bless you, my child.

And now, if you'll both excuse
me, I'm going to make your beds.

To the most perfect
girl we've ever met.

Yeah.

Mm... mm-mm... mm... pits...

Pits...

Lisa!

Hi! Think fast!

Hey! Here you go... here you go.

Ha!

(humming zany
melody) Getcha this time!

Here you... ha! Hey,
you look like Joe Namath.

Only your hair is shorter.
Hey, I'll go out for a pass.

Okay. Here we go. Got it?

Go! Aah! Got it! And here I go!

Go! Whoa! How long you
been interested in football?

Since high school. Oh, yeah?

Millard P. Fillmore
High School, rah-rah-rah.

Ha-ha!

What're you doing home so early?

Oh, well, I really came
home to talk to you.

See, I just had lunch
with Felix, and...

Well, you know, he told me he...

He thinks you like him.

Well, I do like him.

Yeah, but I...

I don't mean he
thinks you like him.

I mean he thinks you like him.

Oh. Now, I don't know
where he got that idea.

I mean, you two don't seem
to have that much in common,

except you both don't like pits.

You and I have a lot in
common, right? You love football.

Yeah. Hey, there's
a great game tonight,

the Jets and the Rams!

Is that a great game? Yeah.

Have you ever wanted to see
a game from the press box?

Sure.

Oh, you're going to love it!

You know, I don't
have to cover the game.

We could watch
it like real people.

That's great. I have
to go to the office.

Listen, it'd be kind
of embarrassing, see,

to walk out with you in front of
Felix, so why don't you meet me

at Shea Stadium, 8:00
at the press entrance?

Okay? Here.

Here's ten bucks
for cab fare, okay?

♪ Buckle down,
Winsocki, buckle down ♪

♪ Eat your heart out,
Felix, buckle down... ♪

(Beethoven's "Moonlight
Sonata" playing)

Oh!

That's beautiful!

Sorry. Beautiful!

What are you sorry about?

(music stops)

Oh, well, I didn't get
permission to use your record.

Uh, I'm assuming
it is your record.

Of course it's my record.

Oscar has only one record.

Gus Leznovitch
Sings Lightweight Hits.

That and "Buckle
Down, Winsocki."

I didn't know you were
interested in ballet.

Oh, it's been a burning
passion of my life.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Oh, that's wonderful! Beautiful!

I always wanted to
be a ballet dancer.

It's marvelous!

Oh, that's very good!

Really? Yes!

Oh, yes, I wanted to go to
the Imperial School of Ballet.

Oh... But, uh...

my parents made me go to
Millard P. Fillmore High School.

This is very interesting.
Did you know

that Millard P. Fillmore
knew less about ballet

than any other
American president,

excepting, of course,
Rutherford B. Hayes.

Felix, it is amazing
how any one man

can know so much

about American
history and the ballet.

It's not so amazing when that
man happens to have an I.Q. of 186.

A hundred and eighty
s...?! Did I let that slip out?

Oh, I... That's fantastic!

So embarrassing,
so boastful... no, no.

Oh, oh, that is just...

If I could do that... mmm!

Well, you can. Really?

I'll give you a lesson. Really?

Sure. All right.

Uh, take your shoes
off. I don't know. I...

Oh, come on, Felix. I don't...

I don't know how much
I can do. Come on.

I hurt my back in the
war... scrubbing a mess hall.

Now, foll... Watch
me first, all right?

Okay.

Back... Ah... Back... Lisa?

Yes, Felix?

Would you do me the honor of
accompanying me this evening?

This evening?

Yes... Oh, I have the
most marvelous idea!

There's an opening tonight
at the Galérie Française.

Oh... You'd love it.

Oh, you'd absolutely
love it! Listen.

(chortles): I had lunch
with Oscar today, and...

He's such a wonderful, dear guy.

I love him like a brother,
but he, he's so gullible.

(laughs): He's deluded himself
that, that you have a crush on him.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

And after all... all that
we have in common...

We both like ballet.

We've honked together.

Only I wouldn't, I wouldn't
want to hurt Oscar.

I wouldn't want him to
see us going out together.

It really would upset
him. I tell you what.

I'll give you ten
dollars. You take a cab.

And you meet me tonight at
8:00 at the Galérie Française.

Oh, we'll have the
most marvelous time!

Je suis le Spectre de la Rose!

What does that mean?

That means, "Oscar
Madison, eat your heart out!"

(humming a tune)

Well, Oscar... you're
looking very nice.

What happened? You
run out of wrinkled things?

I got a date, buddy.

Me, too, my bucko!

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

BOTH: ♪ I'm on
my way to heaven ♪

You're flat. Hey,
where're you going?

You look pretty sharp yourself.

We're going to an opening
at the Galérie Française.

Hey, didn't I eat there once?

I wouldn't be surprised.
It's an art gallery.

Where're you going?

I'm going to the football game.

Fabian is singing "The
Star Spangled Banner."

You're joking!

Oh, boy!

What a fun date!

To each his own.

♪ To each his own ♪

Everything has to have
a song cue to this guy!

♪ To each his own ♪
(phone rings)

Well, have a good time, buddy.

♪ Answer the phone. ♪
Hello.

Yeah, this is Oscar. (humming)

♪ For the sun and the rain...
♪ Yeah, Felix, will you...?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! Huh? Yeah...

Wha...? (sings indistinctly)

You can't?

♪ To each his own ♪
Oh... okay.

Bye-bye.

What's the matter? Who was that?

Lisa. Lisa's got a sore throat.

She'll be at the doctor's
for a couple of hours.

You're... you're dating Lisa?

You're dating Lisa?

Uh... eh... something
very peculiar here.

What's that girl doing?

I don't know what she's doing,
but she's not doing it with us.

I don't understand it.

There's nothing
missing from my room.

Nothing missing here, either.

How can you tell?

Well, at least we know
she's not a thief, so...

So why am I so upset?

Because she stood us
up, that's why I'm so upset.

No, we been stood up before.

It's because we feel she's been
using us the last couple of days.

That sweet girl...

Yeah, but we hardly know her.

Do you realize we don't
know her last name?

Of course. It's Lisa... Lisa...

Is that her purse?

What are you going to do?

Take a look. Oh,
don't! No, no, no.

Her last name, that's all.
Seriously, don't let me see it.

No, don't upset anything
so she won't know. No...

Easy. Careful, there, like that.

Don't you feel trashy?

Now, here it is. Benson.

That's her name. Lisa Benson.

This one says Phyllis Franklin.

This one says Phyllis Carp.

This one says
Estrellitas Gonzales.

This one says she's Felix Unger!

I lent her my library card.

Oh... What...?!

I didn't think you'd
still be awake.

Yeah, well, we're
not tired, see.

We didn't have a date tonight.

Yes, we've spent the evening
touring through your purse,

Miss Benson Franklin
Estrellita Gonzales Williams.

Yeah. Don't ever
wear an I.D. bracelet.

It'll break your wrist.

I rarely carry my purse with
me. There's never much in it.

What happened to the $20
you got from us this evening?

You spend it on this stuff?

What'd you buy? A
book of new names?

No, I bought each
of you a present.

Oscar, I bought you a football,

because yours has
ketchup all over it.

Felix, I bought you an album.

Great Moments
from Great Ballets.

Just because you broke our date,

you didn't have to
get me a present.

Yeah, all you had to say was,

"No, I don't want
to go out." That's it.

No, I couldn't do
that, because...

Well, I like you both.

And that's why I have to leave.

What? No, no,
where're you going?

Oh, I don't know.
I'll find a place.

Where? Staten
Island Ferry this time?

Lisa, who are you, really?

The Lone Ranger.

What are we going
to do, Kimo-Sabe?

We'll stop her.

Lisa!

FELIX: No, please,
no, no, no, wait.

You're not lea... You're
not lea... Come on.

Now, you can't make friends
and then just, bloop, leave.

(sighs)

I'm afraid that's the way I am.

That's you, bloop?

Look... Felix, you're you.

Oscar, you're you.

Lisa... I'm me.

And that's the way I am.

I have no roots.

I have no plans.

I just, uh... I live from
moment to moment.

And this week my
moments were spent

with Felix Unger
and Oscar Madison.

How... how can a young
girl live like that, Lisa?

By not getting too
involved with anybody.

Oh... Y-You don't
have any parents,

no husband, no family?

No.

I just... go out and
meet new people.

I enjoy meeting them, and, uh...

most of them seem
to enjoy meeting me.

Is that how you meet them,
by fainting on their shoulders?

Most people just say hello.

No, Oscar. That happens
to be the way that I met you.

Lisa, I think I understand
what you're trying to say,

but... don't you
want to be anything?

Just happy.

And I am.

Oh.

Here are the keys. Oh...

Keep the keys, Lisa.

No, I don't like attachments.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Oscar.

Good-bye, Miss Gonzales.

It was nice meeting both of you.

Hi-oh, Silver... away!

(door closes)

Bloop.

There goes... a rare spirit.

A butterfly...

that paused for a moment on
the flower of our lives and then...

A sprite... who brought us...

an interlude of happiness...

and strangely...
changed everything.

Please don't do that.

She didn't change you.

One BLT. Mayonnaise
on all four sides.

One diet special.

We're out of cottage cheese,
so I gave you French fries.

Why would you want to
come to a place like this?

It's quick, it's convenient...

It's filthy.

You know, this is
where I met Lisa.

She was sitting in
this chair at this table

when she fainted on me...
What a crazy way to meet people!

And you expect to
recapture that magic?

But wouldn't it be
wonderful if I could?

May I borrow your paper?

Oh... (sighing): Oh...