The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Odd Father - full transcript

(doorbell buzzing)

Hi, Felix. Murray.

I'm here for my chess lesson.

Oh, Murray, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me, I
should have told you.

The chess lesson's
cancelled tonight. Why?

My daughter Edna's visiting me.

Oh, that's nice.

How is she?

She's... she's-she's fine.

She's only here for the weekend.



I want to spend as much
time as I can with her.

I understand, Felix, but
we're in the middle of a game.

I made my move...
Pawn to king four.

That's a famous
Russian defense play.

Checkmate.

I'll never beat Bobby Fischer.

Well, start slowly
with Eddie Fisher.

See you next week.

Edna?

Edna?

Was that Uncle Oscar?

No, no. He'll be here soon.

His plane's late.
What are you doing?

Nothing.



Oh, why don't you come
on in, help me clean up.

Come on.

What do you feel
like doing tonight?

Well, I wanted to watch
television in my room.

Oh, you can do that any time.

I get to see you so seldom.

Let's make it
something special, huh?

Well, I like television.

That's all you do...
Watch television.

Don't you have
any other interests?

Come on, let's talk.

I've got a lot of catching
up to do with you.

What do you do most of the time?

Oh, hack around.

You've got a cough?

Your mother didn't tell me that.

No, that means, you
know, hack around.

Well, where do you hack?

Oh... around.

Hmm... Please don't do that.

You're really growing
up, aren't you?

Have you given any thought
to what you'd like to be?

No.

Hmm. Well, what
do you like to do?

Hack around. Don't do that.

I know what let's do.

I know, let's sit over here
and play some records.

You still like music, don't you?

Well, yeah, but I don't
have my records here.

Well, good, we'll
play my records.

Well, yours are all
opera, they're in Italian,

and I don't
understand the words.

Well, your records
are in English,

and I don't
understand the words.

Well, I'd like to
watch television.

But there's so many
things in this world to do.

What?

Well, I...

Anything. Ask me any subject.

I'm... I'm an expert
on every one of them.

I'm multi-subjectival.

I can't think of
anything to say.

Are you getting everything
you want out of life?

Are you missing anything?

Well, just my TV shows.

Can I come in and chat with
you during the commercials?

Sure.

Four hours stacked up
over Kennedy Airport.

Four hours.

Two stewardesses
reached retirement,

refused us service.

I'm exhausted.

Make me a sandwich, will ya?

My daughter hates me.

I'm thinking of
jumping out the window.

Leave the sandwich on the ledge.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Oh, you're always exaggerating.

Edna doesn't hate you.

Well, I can't talk to
her about anything.

She won't talk to me.

She has absolutely no
interests whatsoever.

I just... Well, talk about not
having anything to talk about.

Felix, I have to unpack.

Leave me alone, will you?

I'd help you, but I
don't have a shovel.

I don't understand.

I can't make her laugh anymore.

I said funny things like,
"I'm multi-subjectival."

(laughs)

Nothing.

Here, I brought you some
slippers from the plane.

(groans)

You wore them home?

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Uncle Oscar.

Hey, I brought you a present.

You stole a life preserver?

No, we blew it up,

we played ringtoss
in the aisles.

Neat-o, I can use
it as a TV pillow.

You see? I'm not here.

I just... I don't exist for her.

Felix, I'm starving.

Make me something to
eat, then we'll talk about it.

My heart is breaking,
he talks about eating.

We'll talk about
your heart breaking

over something to eat, then.

You going to hang up your bag?

I'm sure there's plenty
of room in your closet.

And unpack it... Oh,
stop saying that, will you?

It was a bad night as it was,
four hours over Kennedy,

it rained... If you
treated those properly...

and I think I picked
up the wrong bag.

Darling, do you think it's
the best idea in the world

for you to watch
Uncle Oscar eat?

You could be scarred for life.

Did you have fun in
Chicago, Uncle Oscar?

Yeah. FELIX: Tell
us about Chicago.

EDNA: What did
you do in Chicago?

Oh, hacked around.

What else did you do?

Oh, this and that.

You go anyplace special?

Yeah... here and there.

But mostly hacked around.

Wow, what a great trip.

Where are you going?

Back to the TV.

The commercial's over.

Nothing wrong with her.

We have great conversations.

Since when have you
been hacking around?

What's the matter
with you? She talks.

She just doesn't want to have
a deep, intellectual conversation

every minute of every day.

I only get to see
her on weekends.

All she's interested in is TV.

She likes David
Cassidy more than me.

So do I.

All right, what can I do?

Help me. How?

Help me to find out whatever
it is she's interested in,

then I'll get interested in it,

and I can become
part of her life.

Why don't you get her involved

with something that
you're interested in,

make her part of your
life? Oh... I tried, I tried.

I tried to get her
interested in opera, ballet.

Gloria said I was forcing
artistic things down her throat.

She's right.

Well, I was willing
to compromise.

I watched TV with her.

The Six Wives of Henry VIII.

The only part she liked was
when they chopped the heads off.

That was the best part.

Felix, she's just a kid.

Don't you remember
when you were a kid?

Or were you born stuffy?

I don't know.

Maybe I was.

I'm a boring father.

I suppose I was
a boring child, too.

Whenever we played
house, I was always the butler.

But now you're a success.

Does she know about your work?

She knows I'm a
commercial photographer,

portraits a specialty.

Yes, but has she
ever seen you do it?

Maybe she'd become
interested in photography.

I'll do it.

I'll take her with me to work.

I'm doing a portrait
tomorrow. Good.

Edna, is there a commercial yet?

Well, you're going to have a
lot of fun with your old man.

You mean you're really
going to let me help?

Absolutely. You're
my chief assistant, yes.

No, darling, you don't put the
light meter around your neck.

That goes around Daddy's neck.

There we go.

Sweetheart, be careful.

That's a good lamp.

Darling, what are you doing?

I told you, be careful.

Now, go say good-bye
to your Uncle Oscar.

Uncle Oscar? Yeah, honey.

Are you going to coach
your boy's club team today?

Yeah, this afternoon. You
want to come and watch?

Sure, I'd like that. Okay,
I'll pick you up about 1:00.

Well, we'll see about that.
We're going to a man's house.

Maybe you'll want to stay
all day and watch me work.

Maybe. I'm doing the portrait

of a big insurance
salesman and his family.

I've never met him.

Isn't that interesting?

I meet many new
people in my business.

Won't it be fun to meet new
people with me, sweetheart?

I guess.

What's the address?

Three River Drive.

Here we go.

No, sweetheart,
don't take my bag.

Daddy will take the bag.
You just take the lamp.

That's it. Be careful, darling.

You nicked both the
door and the lamp.

Here we go, darling.
We're going to have fun.

Yeah, you're going to have fun!

You're going to have a
great time, a barrel of laughs!

I hope they have TV.

(doorbell ringing)

How do you do?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Brian Albertson.

You must be the photographer.

Yes, yes. Won't you come in?

My wife and I will be
ready in one minute.

Fine, fine.

Daddy, he's a... He's a client.

Darling, this is a
wonderful opportunity

for you to see me at work.

Now, you'll see how I put
them completely at their ease.

That's the secret
of a good portrait.

Well, what should I do?

Don't stare.

(laughs): He's so cute.

I'd like to pick him up.

None of that.

What are you doing, sweetheart?

That's not a toy.
Don't play with that.

This lamp is set, sweetheart...

Can I look in the camera?

Yes, sweetheart,
of course you can.

That's what I want you to do.

I want you to find out how
Daddy works, sweetheart.

Darling, looking in the camera

and putting your
fingers on the lens

are not the same thing.

Looking is one thing.

Touching the lens is something
else again, sweetheart.

Now, I want you to see how Daddy

looks in the camera, and
you'll see, sweetheart...

You're standing on
a wire, sweetheart.

That's the second time
you've stood on a wire.

Are your shoes too thick?

You can't feel
wire through them,

is that what it is,
sweetheart? No.

Then don't stand on a wire.

Now I think we're all set.

Sweetheart, are you feeling heat

on the back of your neck?

Uh-huh.

That's because you're standing
in front of a lamp, darling.

Don't stand... Stand over here.

Don't... Hop over the wire.

Hop over the other wire.
There you are, sweetheart.

Now I think we're
just about set.

Ready, Mr. Unger?

Any time you're
ready, Mr. Albertson.

Yes, sir.

Now you just watch me.

Don't stare, you'll see.

(quietly clears throat)

Mr. Unger, this is my wife.

Oh. Oh. So very
nice to meet you.

Yes.

And I'd like you to meet

my very able
assistant, Edna Unger.

Your wife? Hello.

No, this is my daughter.

Oh. She's tall for her age.

Hello.

She's going to help me
by standing on a wire.

Do we look all right?

Oh, yes. I just
love your little suit...

your-your tie is so perfect.

Just nice. Yes. Thank you.

All right, Mrs. Albertson,
would you like to hop up...

would you like to
get on the chair?

There you go. That's nice.

Mr. Albertson, would
you stand over here,

right here next to her?

And I think we'll be all set.

Yes, we are.

A little close, a little close.

There we are. That's nice.

That's very, very good.

All right, now,
we're just about set.

All right, that looks
very good. Now...

MR. ALBERTSON: Oh, wait, wait!

Our son is coming.

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

This is a family
portrait, isn't it?

Wilfred! FELIX: Ah.

I should like very
much to meet Wilfred.

(clears throat)

Oh!

(door opens)

Oh. Oh, you're
perfectly nor... You're...

Well, uh, stand over here.

And you'll be fine now.

And we're all
getting ready. Now...

Now, here we are. That's it.

And there is Wilfred...

and there is Mr. And
Mrs. Albertson.

And there is Wilfred.

And there's...

All right, now, Wilfred,
could you just scrooch down

just a little bit?
A little bit lower.

A little bit lower. That's fine.

That's right. (doorbell rings)

No, no, no. My
assistant will get it.

We're all fine now,
and here... Hi, Edna.

We're going to start the
game a little earlier, so...

Oh. Oh, what an honor!

Oscar Madison, the
sportswriter. Come in.

(quietly): Don't
stare, don't stare...

And there we are.

Drop your glove.

What? Trust me, drop your glove.

Now, pick it up.

Mrs. Albertson, this
is Oscar Madison.

Hello.

And this is their son Wilfred.

Up for Wilfred. Up for Wilfred?

Yes. Wilfred, how are you?

Good to see you. There you go.

Yes, there we are.
Pick it up, pick it up.

And this is Mr. Albertson.

How are you, Mr. Albertson?

Is that it? That's it, yes.

Oscar Madison.

Hey, we read your column.

Thank you. Nice to know you all.

Don't stare, don't
stare, don't stare.

EDNA: Dad, can I go to
the game with Uncle Oscar?

But you haven't seen me
make the portrait yet, sweetheart.

Oh, yeah, we've got time

for a couple of pictures, okay?

All right, stand over here.

Don't step on the wire,
don't step on the wire.

Here we go. Don't
stare. There we are.

Now, everybody, now,
scrooch down, Wilfred.

Now, I think
we're all set. Good.

Now, everybody, nice big smile.

Relax, easy.

Everybody say midget!

Ah-ha! No! I didn't say that.

No. I mean, say cheese.

(squeals)

(nasal honking)

Oh, here...

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Albertson. Yeah.

Be sure to be home
by midnight, son.

Yeah.

And when you bring the car back,

don't forget to
pull the seat up.

Oh, that son of mine!

He just won't talk to me.

(chuckles)

Edna'd rather go
watch a ball game

than watch me
take pictures, but...

It's my fault, of course.

It's all my fault.

Mr. Albertson, I'd
like to apologize...

Aw, forget it.

Once you stopped
being so uptight,

we had a very good session.

Well, it'll be a good
portrait, I know that.

I'm a good photographer.

I'm just not a very
good father, I'm afraid.

Ooh, it's hard to be a parent.

I...

I just can't seem to
communicate with her.

Wilfred grunts.

Now-Now, how do
you talk to grunts?

Edna has so few
interests. I don't know.

When I was a kid, I loved
photography, and I still do.

I guess the thing to do is wait

until they get excited
about something,

and then help them
all we can. Is that it?

Right. But the important
thing is not to blame yourself.

You're a good man, Mr. Unger.

Thank you. Um...

Let's have a cup of coffee, huh?

Thank you!

I'm very glad I met
you, Mr. Albertson.

You're a very nice man.

The smaller they
are, the nicer they are.

Oh. (laughs)

Yeah. Oh, say, Mr. Unger, uh,

have you thought about your
insurance needs this year?

You know, we at Mutual of
Rhode Island have a policy

which I think you'd be very
much interested in. Hmm.

Shall we go talk about it? Yeah.

Well, it's the sort of thing a
man does put off, I know...

(laughing)

I still think the third
baseman's cuter.

Billy Parks? He
looks like a chipmunk.

I like his personality.

Hey, what about
that Eddie Thomas?

I think he's got eyes for you.

I think I'll wait till he
gets rid of his braces.

Hey, honey, are you really going
to see this thing through? Sure.

Good. 'Cause it's going to
make your father very happy.

He's been waiting for you

to take an interest
in something, see?

Edna.

What happened? You're messy.

Just having a
little fun, that's all.

The best thing
happened today, Dad.

I know what I want to do.

I want to be an umpire.

Hmm, go. Go get
cleaned up, sweetheart.

Better than hacking around.

At least she has an interest.

I'm grateful you didn't take
her to the Pink Pussy Cat.

My daughter, the umpire.

Oh, Felix, this phase is
going to last about 20 minutes.

She's only
interested in baseball

because there are boys her
age on the team, that's all.

She's in love with a boy
who looks like a chipmunk.

So what should I do,
stuff my cheeks with nuts?

You can stop worrying

about being a good
parent or a bad parent.

Just be a conscientious parent.

She wants to be an
umpire, go along with it.

Well, it is an interest,
isn't it? It's something.

But I don't know
anything about it.

Hey, maybe you'll teach
me. No, come on, no.

Yeah. Then I could teach her.

Then we'd have
something in common.

We could communicate.

Felix, I'd love to, but I got
an interview this afternoon.

No, no! You want to interview
me at the home for unloved fathers?

All right, but let's hurry up.

Yeah. What do I
do if I'm an umpire?

Well, first you have
to say, "Play ball."

Can you say that? Play ball!

Yeah, fine, that's it.

Nah, it should
have a nice verbra...

♪ Play ball! ♪

Fine. Doesn't
matter. Chesty voice.

(deep voice): Play
ball! It doesn't matter.

Long as it's loud, long
as they can hear you.

(shouts): Play ball!

Good? That'll do.

They'll hear you. Okay, now...

When do I yell, "Play ball?"

Well, that's what
starts the game...

Well, do they give me a
cue so I know when to do it?

Oh, they play "The
Star-Spangled Banner,"

then you yell, "Play
ball." Uh, yeah.

Just do it, come on. Do what?

Come on. Let's rehearse
it, and you sing it.

Sing it? Yeah, yeah, come on.

♪ O'er the land of the free... ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ Free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the ♪

♪ Brave. ♪

That's very touching,
you know that?

What happened to "play ball"?

Play ball!

Okay, now look. What do we do?

Now, there are only
two hand signals

you have to know,
see... safe and out.

That's the only thing that's
really important, okay?

So this is safe.

Safe!

Ah, not unlike the wingspread

of the California
condor, isn't it?

Did you know that's
an endangered species.

I'm going to endanger your
species if you don't listen.

Now, do a safe. Come on.

And... safe!

What's with the Fred Astaire?

Come on, do a safe right.

Safe!

Now it's Gene Kelly.

Will you just...
You can do a safe.

The second is out. This is out.

You're... out!

See, it's like
you're hitchhiking,

You're... out! See? (laughing)

What? What?

Wouldn't it be funny
if the umpire did that

and a little car
came out on the field,

he got in the car
and drove away?

No. (laughing)

No. Don't be petulant

just because the old Unger
humor is bubbling to the surface.

Felix, I don't have much time.

Now, come on, we going to go?

Yes. So what else do we do?

Next thing you do, is
you brush off the plate.

Oh! I'd like that.

I knew you would,
good... yeah...

All right, that's enough.

Little spot there. Forget
the spot, will you please?

Okay, now, this
is the strike zone.

Get behind me, right here, see?

Now, the ball's
got to hit any part...

There's a spot.

You want to dust it?

You want to dust
it? Here. Dust it!

Polish it! And stuff
it in your condor.

Eight, nine, ten.

Have you ever considered ballet?

Edna, hurry up, will you
honey? We're going to be late!

Play ball!

Oh, Edna, you look terrific!

I can't get this tie
straight, though.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Nobody'll notice. Let's go.

Hey, Oscar, is Felix
going to meet us there?

No, he can't. He's
photographing a wedding today.

Oh, that's too bad.

He's going to
miss his daughter's

first ball game. I know...

Well, look at
that! Look at that!

Hello, hello! Look
how sweet she looks!

Oh, I couldn't stay away.

When I got to that wedding
and I realized what I was missing,

I lent one of my
cameras to the best man

and I came rushing over here.

Oh, you look just
sweet, darling.

Your tie's a little
crooked, sweetheart...

Gee, Dad, heh...
what a nice surprise.

Well, now, don't
rush until I get back.

I want to change
into my baseball outfit

and I'll be right with you!

EDNA: Play ball!

(shouting, cheering)

(arguing, shouting)

I just can't believe
it! What did I do?

You set baseball back
ten years! Oh, Oscar...

That's the first time
I ever heard people

say "Kill the umpire's father"!

But that kid was a vicious...

He insulted my...

After that kid bit me, I
went back in the stands!

Yeah, but after he stopped

chasing you, you came
out onto the field again.

Well, the third baseman
called my little girl cockeyed.

She has beautiful eyes.

She has my eyes.

You shouldn't have
hollered at the kid.

Well, I was just teaching him

a lesson in manners,
the little rowdy!

Look at that. Look at that!

He came through the living
room with his spikes on.

How could you do such a thing?!

It's easy, see? You
step, take another step...

Oh, no, don't, Oscar, no...

You're making holes
in my rug, please.

Aw, you ruined the game
and you embarrassed Edna!

Most people yell at the
umpire, "Go soak your head."

You said, "Go fix your hair."

FELIX: Her ribbon
was coming loose...

I was trying so hard... aw...

(sobbing): I was trying so hard.

Now she'll never talk to me.

Good for her!

Uncle Oscar! I'm home!

You see? She doesn't
even mention my name.

Here, Edna!

Is Dad here?

OSCAR: Yes, Edna.

I don't want to talk to him.

She hates me.

All right, wait here.
I'll be right back.

No, but not with your spikes on.

Take your spikes...
What are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

(groans)

Hi.

Hi.

Boy, Dad really goofed.

Yes, he did.

It's so embarrassing.

Was it really that
important to you, Edna?

Being an umpire?

Well, sure. I guess so.

You know what I think?

I think it was a whim
to impress Billy Parks.

You're right.

Billy didn't even
like me in this outfit.

Neither did your father.

Then why did he buy it for
me, and all the other stuff?

Because he loves you,

and he wants to share
your interests with you,

even if he doesn't
agree with them.

Listen, if you wanted to go
into the circus, you know what?

I think he'd buy
you an elephant.

If you wanted to be a hod
carrier, he'd buy you a hod.

I mean, what other father

would buy a man's black
suit for his daughter?

You want to talk to him?

She wants to talk to you.

Hello. Hello.

Why did you eject
me from the ball park?

I'm sorry, Dad, but we never
would have finished the game.

I tried, I really did try.

I know, and I appreciate it.

You mean well, but
sometimes you're just a little...

I am?

I am, I am.

Sit down, Dad.

I'd rather have a
father who bugs me

than a father who
didn't care about me.

Thank you, darling.

Eddie Thomas told me that his
dad's always away on business.

When he is home, he's
too tired to play with him.

Eddie Thomas?

The boy who bit you.

Well, suppose I...

suppose I promised
that I'll try to change.

I guess if you didn't bug
me, I wouldn't love you.

Mm... I love you,
too, sweetheart.

Would you do your old
man a big favor? Sure.

Take off your spikes.

Not on the table,
sweetheart, not on the table.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll be fine.

Remember everything I told you.

Work hard in school...

Yeah, I have to hurry, though.

Mom's waiting downstairs.

So long, Edna!

Bye, Uncle Oscar!

Give Leonard a
great big kiss for me.

I will. Bye.
Goodbye, sweetheart.

Now, take very
good care of yourself.

Bye-bye. See you next week.

(chuckling): You know
what she told me?

What?

She's going to hang up her
mask and retire as an umpire.

(both laughing)

You know what we're
going to do next weekend?

What? Where you going?

We're just going to
go here and there.

What are you going
to do? This and that.

You going to do anything
special? Just hack around.