The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 11 - Password - full transcript
Oscar and Felix appear together on Password and Felix is sure that they can win.
Ooh, Oscar!
(laughing) (giggling)
Come on, Miriam.
Let's go to the sandbox.
Excuse us.
Sure.
More coffee? No, no more coffee.
I want to get out of here. Well,
how do you know I
don't want more coffee?
You notice how I
overlooked "sandbox"?
Tell me the truth, Felix.
What do you think of Mitzi?
She didn't say
anything all evening.
Can she talk?
Who cares?
She listens sexy.
Listen, it's a second date
with her, and I wanna be alone.
Okay? What do you
want Miriam and me to do?
Move to another table?
No, I just don't want
to hang around here.
I'll take care of the
check, we'll leave,
you go your way, I'll go mine.
I get the picture. Right,
when they come back,
you say you want to leave.
Leave it to me. All
right, I wanna make sure.
(laughing)
So when I said I was
crocheting an afghan.
She said, "Why don't
you do something big?
Knit a St. Bernard." (laughs)
You bring us our
regular as usual, okay?
I couldn't believe
that out of her,
'cause she always
looked so stern.
(Mitzi gasps)
MITZI: Eee, it's them.
It's them! I recognize them
from TV! Who? What? Who? What?
It's them isn't it, Oscar? What?
Yeah, it's them. Check,
will ya? What? What?
Right over there! Who?
Betty White and Allen Ludden
from Password! Where?
Where? Where? Where?
Don't look. You'll
embarrass them.
But I can't see if I don't look.
You look on the way out.
(clearing throat)
Oh.
Did you see? Is it
them? Aren't you...
Aren't you thrilled?
Not particularly.
I'm not speaking
to Allen Ludden.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You're not speaking
to Allen Ludden?
Do you know him, Felix?
He doesn't know Ludden.
Six months ago...
six months ago!
Felix, will you...
I auditioned to be a
contestant on Password.
They never called me.
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
I don't get it.
Hey, no, he doesn't
pick the contestants.
They got guys who do
all that backstage stuff.
I gave a powerful audition!
Maybe that's why
you didn't get it.
What do you mean by that?
Felix, they want average Joes,
people who look like they
may not necessarily win,
like cab drivers, housewives...
See, they don't want
sophisticated photographers,
portraits a specialty.
And look how I got
involved in the conversation
when I want to get out of here!
Average. Of course
I'm not average!
That's why I didn't get on.
It's lonely having a high I.Q.
Sure.
Did you ever see
Einstein on Beat the Clock?
Oh, can I get his autograph
for my little sister?
Does she live with you? No.
I live alone. Sure,
you can get it!
Allen, don't stare, darling.
But that's Oscar Madison,
my favorite sportswriter.
He's used to being stared at.
I know, but he doesn't
know you're a sports freak.
I'm going over and talk to him.
Oh... Have a little
white bread, Allen.
I can't believe I'm
not on the show
because I'm above average!
Oh, he's coming over here.
Act average. Act...
Do you suffer much
from acid stomach?
Well, Allen Ludden,
Excuse me. What a coincidence!
My basic girl and I were
just talking about you.
I'd like to... I'll
be a son of a gun,
if I don't enjoy Password.
You know one thing I like,
I like to sit around
the Formica table.
I like to drink
beer out of the can,
just... sit there
in my undershirt...
watch the boob tube.
Yes.
That's...
that's very interesting.
Uh, say, are you Oscar Madison?
Yes, I am. You know, you're
my favorite sportswriter.
I read you every day. Thank you.
I appreciate that. Look...
Miriam Welby, Mitzi
Ferguson, How do you do?
Yes. And this is Felix Unger.
Now, he really loves Password.
How do? Nice to know you.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Hey, listen, Os...
Listen, Oscar, if-if
you'd be interested
in being a celebrity
guest on Password,
why don't you give
our office a call?
We-we're looking for celebrities
for a special New York series
we're doing. Oh, I'm
not good at games.
I appreciate the thought,
though, but no, I can't.
Okay, but it sure was
nice meeting you, anyway.
Same here.
E-excuse me.
Certainly. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
He never even noticed me!
I tried so hard to
be an average Joe!
You were so good,
like Ozzie Nelson.
And you!
Allen Ludden asked you to
be a contestant on Password,
and you turned him down.
Felix, I don't know
how to play the game,
I am not going on the show,
and we're getting
out of here. Let's go.
You didn't pay the check. Here.
Sort it out.
Oh, but I didn't
get his autograph.
I got one in the car.
He left me a button.
(sighs)
I'm just dying to
talk to Allen Ludden.
Well, why don't
you go over there?
They don't mind. Oh, no, no.
Oh, go on. They look very
nice. No, no, I shouldn't.
No, no. Please go on...
It would be pushy, wouldn't it?
No. No, please, come on.
I insist.
Excuse me, Allen Ludden.
Uh, yes.
Oh, oh, you're Oscar's
friend, Mr. Engle.
Unger. Felix Unger.
Oh, yes, uh, Unger, ah...
This is my wife,
Betty. Mr. Unger.
Felix.
Nice to know you, Mrs. White.
M-Miss, Miss White...
Mrs., Mrs. Ludden. Betty.
Ah.
You know, I watch
you all the time, Betty.
You're my biggest fan.
Thank you. That's very nice.
I remember when you
had your own show.
Years and years and years ago.
That many?
It's amazing how
youthful you look.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm even younger on the re-runs.
Say... if, uh, if
Oscar Madison went
on this special Password
show you're talking about,
could he choose his partner?
Well, probably.
But, ah, I'm not in charge
of that department, Felix.
Uh-huh. Well...
if he chose his own partner,
could he choose me?
I'm just an average guy.
I worked my way through college
selling spot remover.
Well...
actually, that, that
would be up to Oscar.
Uh-huh, I see.
Well, thank you,
thank you very much.
I... I guess I better
be shoving off.
As Reader's Digest says,
"Never overstay your welcome,
or you'll never be
welcome to stay over."
Fine.
So long, folks.
I love pets.
It worked, it worked!
Oh, Oscar's going
to be so happy.
He's dying to go on Password.
I thought he didn't want to be
on it. Oh, that's before he knew
that I was going
to be his partner.
Let's go tell him. Do you
know where Mitzi lives?
I'd wait till morning.
Right.
You'll get your answer
in the morning, Al.
Oscar!
Oscar!
Breakfast!
Grab your socks!
What's for breakfast, Sarge?
Cluck.
Cluck?
Jumbled.
Cluck jumbled?
Pig. Felix, I just got up.
Smoked.
Pig, smoked... Crisp.
Pig, smoked, crisp,
cluck, jumbled...
Bacon and scrambled
eggs? Right! Right!
And you said you
can't play Password.
You see?
Why don't you call Allen Ludden?
Go ahead, tell him you'll be on.
He said I could be your
partner, so how could you lose?
Felix, just serve the food.
Forget about last night.
How can I forget
about last night?
It was your big chance,
and you turned it down.
I thought I had a
big chance last night,
and Mitzi turned me down.
Did you have any
fun with Miriam?
It's not nice to tell.
He's putting beer
in his orange juice!
I want to kill the Vitamin C.
I'm making your
favorite breakfast.
I know, jumbled cluck.
And I know why
you're making it, Fe...
I'm not going to go on Password.
Coffee.
Cup.
Empty.
Full. Hot.
I don't get it.
I want a hot cup of
coffee! Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I-I thought you were
playing the game.
I know what you thought. I know.
I know. Why won't
you go on Password?
It's such a simple game,
and you already
understand the basics.
And I can teach
you the subtleties
in nothing flat.
What subtleties?
Well, the inflections,
like, if you go up,
that means you
give the opposite.
(rising inflection): Hooooot...
Come on. It's so simple.
Hooooot... Cold. Yes!
Nothing to it.
Give me another one.
Nooorth... South?
Right Isn't that simple?
Then if you go
steady in the inflection,
then you just, like, candle...
then you just
give the next thing
that comes normally.
Hit me with that again,
I didn't understand. Candle...
Stick! Of course.
You see? You're a good player.
Here, let me try one.
I wanna try one of
them zingers, like...
Book! Case.
Good. I was thinking of
"maker," but "case" is good.
This is fun! I told
you it's a lot of fun.
Yeah, well, you
can forget about it.
Forget about the game,
forget about Password,
and forget about breakfast.
Aw, come on, Oscar.
Allen Ludden said
that if you play,
I could be your partner.
It's my life's dream!
No!
Oh... they give you $750.
Dollars?
Yes!
Who wants to spoil
a friend's dream!
Aw, that's, great.
And I can be your partner? Sure!
Good! Bye.
Ah, you made it just
perfect, just perfect.
All right, Murray,
you sit right there.
Now, Myrna, you're
going to be a celebrity.
Can I be Peggy Cass?
Whatever you want.
You just sit right there.
Murray, you'll be
an ordinary person.
Don't rub it in.
Who do you want me to be?
Now, you're going
to be Allen Ludden!
Oh, what fun!
Could you be Monty Hall instead?
I always wanted to
dress like a chicken.
(laughs)
FELIX: Look who's home.
There he is,
Mr. Password himself!
Ready to play the
game, big fella?
Ah, look at Mitzi!
How devastating you look!
Hey, what's going on?
We're all going to
practice Password.
Oh... could I talk
to you for a minute?
Sure, partner!
What's on that razor-sharp
mind of yours? Well,
not here. In the kitchen.
It's kind of private,
okay? Yeah, sure.
Everybody, you just,
just pass some words
among each other.
You're not getting butterflies
in the tum-tum,
are you? No, no, no.
Cold feet? What? No, no, uh...
Well, it's about
our partnership.
What about it?
It's off.
Oh... you're not going
to be on Password?
Oh, yeah, I'm going
to be on Password,
but Mitzi's going
to be my partner.
So Mitzi's going
to be your partner.
Well... How about them apples?
Well, she-she loves game shows.
She's very bright.
She graduated charm school.
No kidding.
So Mitzi's in, and
little Felix is out.
That's show biz.
Guess I better tell everybody
to go home. No, no, no, no.
I promised I'd prepare
you for the game.
I keep my promises.
The show must go on, fella,
no matter how
boring it's going to be.
Boy, you're taking it great,
and I thought you'd be angry.
No. I'm a big boy now.
I didn't cry at Anzio.
Well, I want to say
I've always
underestimated your class.
(grunting)
(growling)
All right, everybody, we're
going to play Password.
MYRNA: Yay!
There will be a slight
change in the lineup.
Miriam, I'm going
to be Allen Ludden.
All right, Mr. Celebrity,
you'll sit here.
Miss Charm School,
you'll sit there.
Can we get on
with the game? Yes.
The game is worth 25 points.
The first clue is
worth ten points,
and you'll have ten
seconds in which to respond.
The first player has the
option to pass or play.
Are those the rules? I
didn't understand one word.
Don't worry, I'll carry you.
Here is the first password.
(whispers): The
word is "aquarium."
All right, Murray, you have
the option to pass or play.
While Murray is making
this difficult decision,
we'll take a short... Murray,
we're on network television.
I'll play.
Guppy.
Fish?
Wrong! Nine points.
Mitzi.
Astrology.
Astrology, guppy.
Pisces?
Very wrong! Eight points.
Officer Greshler.
Tank!
Aquarium?
Very good. "Aquarium"
wins for eight points.
Astrology?
Sure, it's from that song,
"This is the dawning of
the age of aquariums."
What a team.
Still up?
I just took Mitzi home.
Oh?
How is Miss Magna Cum
Cute from charm school?
All right, so she's
not a genius.
Who wants to date an
encyclopedia, anyway?
Oscar, if her IQ
were one point higher,
she'd have the
mentality of a handball.
But forgive me,
she's your choice.
She's not my choice anymore.
What do you mean?
Oh, you didn't
insult that poor child.
No, she insulted me.
She said she didn't want to
appear on the show with me.
She said I gave bad clues.
So I guess you'll need
another partner, then, won't you?
Yep. Hmm.
Guess I'll need another partner.
Guess everybody needs a partner,
like Rogers and
Hammerstein. Mm-hmm.
Lewis and Clark. Mmm.
Tom and Jerry.
Frick and Frack.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, I had a great partner.
Did I have a great partner.
Boy, he could play
those inflections.
You know, when he said "hot,"
man, I knew "cold,
cold, cold." Mm.
Oh, man. And then when he
gave me the "candle"... "stick."
Ooh, we'd have creamed
anybody, I'm telling you.
We would have been
the greatest team.
I better call Allen Ludden,
tell him I don't have a partner.
I'll do it. You will?
What are you doing?
Swallowing my pride.
Hey.
Look at that.
Hey, you sure it's
okay to be here?
Why, of course.
We're part of the show,
buddy. We belong here.
Doesn't it that
look bigger on TV?
That's often the case.
Fix your tie. Leave it alone.
Is that Betty White?
Where?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sh-she's an
absolutely unbeatable player.
Did you know that she and
Allen Ludden met on this show?
They met on Password, yeah.
Really? She said
"I" he said "do"?
It's very romantic.
Words brought them together.
Their password was "love."
Hey, that is nice.
BETTY: Don't you
be nervous, Millicent.
That's silly, honey.
I've got some old
lightning round words.
We can practice with them.
You can get kind of
the feeling of the show.
You want to do that?
Okay? Shoot.
All right.
Now... Photograph.
Picture? Right.
Sit. Down.
Furniture. Chair.
BETTY: Got it.
Animal.
Um... bear?
Neck. Giraffe.
That's it.
That's perfect.
That's ideal. Hi, Betty.
Remember me?
Felix Unger from the restaurant?
Average guy, loves pets?
Oh, hello.
Hello, Oscar.
How you doing?
Well, I'm a little nervous.
BETTY: Oh, don't
be. It's going to be fun.
Do you know whom
we're playing against?
Me.
You?
Yes, and I take my
Password very seriously.
I play to win.
Good luck.
Nice seeing you, Mr. Engle.
Ungle. Unger. Felix Unger.
Felix... Good luck, Betty.
Hey, wait a second. Betty White?
I'm playing against Betty White?
But with Felix Unger.
Fix your tie. Will you stop.
You saw her play.
That's why I'm scared.
Oh, nothing to be scared of.
Didn't you get the
message, the way she plays?
Simple and follow through.
Like Babe Ruth's swing.
Simple... follow through.
That's the key to champions.
Simple... follow...
Angelo Podestra.
Angelo... What is he?
Champion boccie player.
Simple... follow through.
That's the key.
Just keep your words
simple and direct.
Now, you ready to play the game?
Yeah, baseball and
boccie I'm ready to play.
Fix your tie. Oh,
you fix it yourself.
You're wearing a
clip-on tie to a show.
Here, put it back,
and fix your...
You're wear... you're wearing
a cardboard handkerchief.
That's just for show. Aren't
you ashamed of yourself?
This is my real handkerchief.
Good, after the
show, we'll rob a train.
ANNOUNCER: Ready, Allen?
All set.
Okay, everybody, relax.
Tape is rolling.
And now, here once again is the
host of Password, Allen Ludden.
Welcome back.
(applause)
Now we're going to
meet the contestants
who are going to challenge
our winning team here
of Millicent Thomas
and Betty White.
First let's meet
that fine sportswriter
from the New York
Herald, Oscar Madison.
(applause)
Welcome, Oscar. (thump)
Welcome to Password, Oscar.
Nice to be here, I think.
Now as you know,
for this special series,
we allow our
celebrity contestants
to pick their own teammates.
Now, who have you picked
for your partner, Oscar?
Oh, I chose for my
partner Felix Unger.
(applause)
Wasn't much of an introduction.
What did you want me
to say, "He... re's Felix"?
Welcome to Password, Felix.
Now, tell us a little
bit about yourself.
Well, I'm a commercial
photographer,
portraits a specialty.
Uh, I was married, but
I'm not now, unfortunately,
although I wish I were.
I have two extremely
beautiful children,
Leonard and Edna, whom I
don't see as much as I'd like to;
I only... I only get
them on weekends.
A little, Felix,
just a little, a little.
On the other hand,
I'm a very good cook,
and I'm a lot of fun at
parties, people tell me.
ALLEN: It sounds like you
lead a rich, full life, Mr. Unger.
Now, let's play Password.
Thank you, Allen.
I'll give the password
first to Oscar Madison
and Betty White.
And as they look at it, we
want you to see it at home.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "gravy." (bell dings)
Okay, Betty, the
first option is yours.
For ten points... pass or play?
I'll play.
ALLEN: Ten points.
Sauce.
Mayonnaise?
Nine points, Oscar.
Meat.
Meat.
Lincoln.
Eight points, Betty.
Covering.
Gravy.
(bell dinging) Good.
That's it. You got it.
Eight points for the ladies.
Lincoln?
It's a known fact that
Lincoln loved mayonnaise.
ALLEN: Okay, let's
move right along.
Felix, you have the word.
Thank you, Oscar... I mean, Allen.
Millicent, you have the word.
And as they look at it,
we'd like you to see it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "bird."
(bell dings) All right, Felix.
You have the option
this time... pass or play?
I'll play, Allen.
Ten points.
(clears throat)
Aristophanes.
Aristophanes?
Greek?
Nine points, Millicent.
Canary.
Bird. ALLEN: You got it!
(bell dinging, applause)
And so, with a score
of 17 to nothing,
we pause for these messages.
Aristophanes? Aristophanes?
That's a perfect clue.
Everybody knows Aristophanes
wrote a play called "The Birds."
Everybody but me.
Will you stop being
so perfect, Felix?
Fix your tie. Will you stop it?
Now, we're losing, here.
Now, come on, let's
go to get together.
Why do you think I'm
giving you these great clues?
Great clues?
If Charlie Chan had these clues,
he'd be running a laundry.
Now, we're losing 17 to nothing.
I always win at home,
don't I? Will you stop...
Fix your tie. Leave it alone.
Put it back. Never mind at home.
This is the... Oh,
the heck with it...
This is big time now. At
least open your collar...
Felix, will you listen to me?
We're going to lose
this entire game.
Now, we're being creamed.
Now, this is important.
I want you to give me good
clues, something to work with.
I'm glad you got the spirit
'cause we're going to win, win, win.
Now listen, no more Greek clues.
Aristophanes is ridiculous.
ANNOUNCER: Stand by.
Okay, back to the game.
And the word goes
to Oscar Madison,
Betty White with a
score of 17 to nothing.
This is the word.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "ridiculous."
(bell dings) All right.
Oscar, you have the
option... Pass or play.
I want to play, Allen.
(growls): Aristophanes.
Ridiculous. ALLEN: You got it.
(bell dinging, applause)
I don't believe it.
Aristophanes again?
Yes. That's our
all-purpose clue...
Aristophanes.
Simple and follow
through. ALLEN: Okay.
Simple and follow through.
Looks like the men
are on the march. Yes.
Okay, ten to 17.
You have the word,
Felix. Thank you, Allen.
Millicent, there you go.
As they look at it,
we'd like you to see it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "servant."
(bell dings) ALLEN: Okay, Felix.
The option is
yours... Pass or play?
Thank you, Allen.
I... think... I'll pass.
Uh... waiter.
Restaurant.
Nine points.
Felix.
Thank you.
Household... Ooh...
Servant? ALLEN: You got it!
(bell dinging, applause)
Great clue. Simple
and follow through.
Great clue.
(giggling)
Great clue.
Okay, 19 to 17.
Either team can
win on this word.
And as they look at it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "pencil."
(bell dings) All right, Betty,
your team is behind, now.
You have the
option... Pass or play?
I think I'm going
to let Oscar have it.
ALLEN: Ten points, Oscar.
Give you the game.
Lead... Graphite.
Nine points, Betty,
will give you the game.
Writing.
Pencil.
You won the game! (bell dinging)
And so we have to say
good-bye to Felix Unger, Why?
And thank you very much
for coming to play our game.
Why? Because you lost.
No, siree. My clue is good.
I can prove it. Felix...
Sorry, we've got to move
along for a new player.
But you'll have a copy
of our home game.
I've got two copies
of your home game.
I got... I've got one in my car.
Felix, you're embarrassing
me. No, I don't understand this.
Thank you very
much, Felix Unger.
Now, if you will just
relinquish your chair.
Chair. Seat. We're
not playing anymore...
Oh, please, oh, please, give
me one more chance. Please.
Oh, what a gyp!
And for all of you
playing with us at home...
I'm terribly sorry.
Hi, Felix.
I'm making cocoa.
Did you win after I was ejected?
A couple of games, but
that Betty White is terrific.
They paid me anyway.
Oh, and here's your check.
Oh?
25 dollars.
"Felix Ungle."
I just don't understand myself.
I play so well.
You play weird.
You wonder why
I didn't get "bird"
from "Aristophanes," Felix?
It's because your
logic is not my logic.
We're rotten partners.
But when you said "lead,"
I immediately
thought of "graphite."
Don't remind me.
Pencil lead is made not of lead,
but of graphite and clay.
Everybody knows that.
Well, I knew the answer
couldn't be two words,
so I chose one... graphite.
It was a very good answer.
All right, if I say it was
a very good answer,
will we drop the subject?
Yes. It was a rotten...
I'm telling you, it was
just a rotten answer, Felix.
Nobody I know
thinks the way you do.
Well, I'm unique.
Unusual.
Strange.
Peculiar. That's the word.
That's the word I
was thinking about.
You see, we can
play. Do me a favor.
Call Allen Ludden,
he'll have us on again...
Oh, what are you doing?
(laughing) (giggling)
Come on, Miriam.
Let's go to the sandbox.
Excuse us.
Sure.
More coffee? No, no more coffee.
I want to get out of here. Well,
how do you know I
don't want more coffee?
You notice how I
overlooked "sandbox"?
Tell me the truth, Felix.
What do you think of Mitzi?
She didn't say
anything all evening.
Can she talk?
Who cares?
She listens sexy.
Listen, it's a second date
with her, and I wanna be alone.
Okay? What do you
want Miriam and me to do?
Move to another table?
No, I just don't want
to hang around here.
I'll take care of the
check, we'll leave,
you go your way, I'll go mine.
I get the picture. Right,
when they come back,
you say you want to leave.
Leave it to me. All
right, I wanna make sure.
(laughing)
So when I said I was
crocheting an afghan.
She said, "Why don't
you do something big?
Knit a St. Bernard." (laughs)
You bring us our
regular as usual, okay?
I couldn't believe
that out of her,
'cause she always
looked so stern.
(Mitzi gasps)
MITZI: Eee, it's them.
It's them! I recognize them
from TV! Who? What? Who? What?
It's them isn't it, Oscar? What?
Yeah, it's them. Check,
will ya? What? What?
Right over there! Who?
Betty White and Allen Ludden
from Password! Where?
Where? Where? Where?
Don't look. You'll
embarrass them.
But I can't see if I don't look.
You look on the way out.
(clearing throat)
Oh.
Did you see? Is it
them? Aren't you...
Aren't you thrilled?
Not particularly.
I'm not speaking
to Allen Ludden.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
You're not speaking
to Allen Ludden?
Do you know him, Felix?
He doesn't know Ludden.
Six months ago...
six months ago!
Felix, will you...
I auditioned to be a
contestant on Password.
They never called me.
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
I don't get it.
Hey, no, he doesn't
pick the contestants.
They got guys who do
all that backstage stuff.
I gave a powerful audition!
Maybe that's why
you didn't get it.
What do you mean by that?
Felix, they want average Joes,
people who look like they
may not necessarily win,
like cab drivers, housewives...
See, they don't want
sophisticated photographers,
portraits a specialty.
And look how I got
involved in the conversation
when I want to get out of here!
Average. Of course
I'm not average!
That's why I didn't get on.
It's lonely having a high I.Q.
Sure.
Did you ever see
Einstein on Beat the Clock?
Oh, can I get his autograph
for my little sister?
Does she live with you? No.
I live alone. Sure,
you can get it!
Allen, don't stare, darling.
But that's Oscar Madison,
my favorite sportswriter.
He's used to being stared at.
I know, but he doesn't
know you're a sports freak.
I'm going over and talk to him.
Oh... Have a little
white bread, Allen.
I can't believe I'm
not on the show
because I'm above average!
Oh, he's coming over here.
Act average. Act...
Do you suffer much
from acid stomach?
Well, Allen Ludden,
Excuse me. What a coincidence!
My basic girl and I were
just talking about you.
I'd like to... I'll
be a son of a gun,
if I don't enjoy Password.
You know one thing I like,
I like to sit around
the Formica table.
I like to drink
beer out of the can,
just... sit there
in my undershirt...
watch the boob tube.
Yes.
That's...
that's very interesting.
Uh, say, are you Oscar Madison?
Yes, I am. You know, you're
my favorite sportswriter.
I read you every day. Thank you.
I appreciate that. Look...
Miriam Welby, Mitzi
Ferguson, How do you do?
Yes. And this is Felix Unger.
Now, he really loves Password.
How do? Nice to know you.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Hey, listen, Os...
Listen, Oscar, if-if
you'd be interested
in being a celebrity
guest on Password,
why don't you give
our office a call?
We-we're looking for celebrities
for a special New York series
we're doing. Oh, I'm
not good at games.
I appreciate the thought,
though, but no, I can't.
Okay, but it sure was
nice meeting you, anyway.
Same here.
E-excuse me.
Certainly. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
He never even noticed me!
I tried so hard to
be an average Joe!
You were so good,
like Ozzie Nelson.
And you!
Allen Ludden asked you to
be a contestant on Password,
and you turned him down.
Felix, I don't know
how to play the game,
I am not going on the show,
and we're getting
out of here. Let's go.
You didn't pay the check. Here.
Sort it out.
Oh, but I didn't
get his autograph.
I got one in the car.
He left me a button.
(sighs)
I'm just dying to
talk to Allen Ludden.
Well, why don't
you go over there?
They don't mind. Oh, no, no.
Oh, go on. They look very
nice. No, no, I shouldn't.
No, no. Please go on...
It would be pushy, wouldn't it?
No. No, please, come on.
I insist.
Excuse me, Allen Ludden.
Uh, yes.
Oh, oh, you're Oscar's
friend, Mr. Engle.
Unger. Felix Unger.
Oh, yes, uh, Unger, ah...
This is my wife,
Betty. Mr. Unger.
Felix.
Nice to know you, Mrs. White.
M-Miss, Miss White...
Mrs., Mrs. Ludden. Betty.
Ah.
You know, I watch
you all the time, Betty.
You're my biggest fan.
Thank you. That's very nice.
I remember when you
had your own show.
Years and years and years ago.
That many?
It's amazing how
youthful you look.
Oh.
Thank you.
I'm even younger on the re-runs.
Say... if, uh, if
Oscar Madison went
on this special Password
show you're talking about,
could he choose his partner?
Well, probably.
But, ah, I'm not in charge
of that department, Felix.
Uh-huh. Well...
if he chose his own partner,
could he choose me?
I'm just an average guy.
I worked my way through college
selling spot remover.
Well...
actually, that, that
would be up to Oscar.
Uh-huh, I see.
Well, thank you,
thank you very much.
I... I guess I better
be shoving off.
As Reader's Digest says,
"Never overstay your welcome,
or you'll never be
welcome to stay over."
Fine.
So long, folks.
I love pets.
It worked, it worked!
Oh, Oscar's going
to be so happy.
He's dying to go on Password.
I thought he didn't want to be
on it. Oh, that's before he knew
that I was going
to be his partner.
Let's go tell him. Do you
know where Mitzi lives?
I'd wait till morning.
Right.
You'll get your answer
in the morning, Al.
Oscar!
Oscar!
Breakfast!
Grab your socks!
What's for breakfast, Sarge?
Cluck.
Cluck?
Jumbled.
Cluck jumbled?
Pig. Felix, I just got up.
Smoked.
Pig, smoked... Crisp.
Pig, smoked, crisp,
cluck, jumbled...
Bacon and scrambled
eggs? Right! Right!
And you said you
can't play Password.
You see?
Why don't you call Allen Ludden?
Go ahead, tell him you'll be on.
He said I could be your
partner, so how could you lose?
Felix, just serve the food.
Forget about last night.
How can I forget
about last night?
It was your big chance,
and you turned it down.
I thought I had a
big chance last night,
and Mitzi turned me down.
Did you have any
fun with Miriam?
It's not nice to tell.
He's putting beer
in his orange juice!
I want to kill the Vitamin C.
I'm making your
favorite breakfast.
I know, jumbled cluck.
And I know why
you're making it, Fe...
I'm not going to go on Password.
Coffee.
Cup.
Empty.
Full. Hot.
I don't get it.
I want a hot cup of
coffee! Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I-I thought you were
playing the game.
I know what you thought. I know.
I know. Why won't
you go on Password?
It's such a simple game,
and you already
understand the basics.
And I can teach
you the subtleties
in nothing flat.
What subtleties?
Well, the inflections,
like, if you go up,
that means you
give the opposite.
(rising inflection): Hooooot...
Come on. It's so simple.
Hooooot... Cold. Yes!
Nothing to it.
Give me another one.
Nooorth... South?
Right Isn't that simple?
Then if you go
steady in the inflection,
then you just, like, candle...
then you just
give the next thing
that comes normally.
Hit me with that again,
I didn't understand. Candle...
Stick! Of course.
You see? You're a good player.
Here, let me try one.
I wanna try one of
them zingers, like...
Book! Case.
Good. I was thinking of
"maker," but "case" is good.
This is fun! I told
you it's a lot of fun.
Yeah, well, you
can forget about it.
Forget about the game,
forget about Password,
and forget about breakfast.
Aw, come on, Oscar.
Allen Ludden said
that if you play,
I could be your partner.
It's my life's dream!
No!
Oh... they give you $750.
Dollars?
Yes!
Who wants to spoil
a friend's dream!
Aw, that's, great.
And I can be your partner? Sure!
Good! Bye.
Ah, you made it just
perfect, just perfect.
All right, Murray,
you sit right there.
Now, Myrna, you're
going to be a celebrity.
Can I be Peggy Cass?
Whatever you want.
You just sit right there.
Murray, you'll be
an ordinary person.
Don't rub it in.
Who do you want me to be?
Now, you're going
to be Allen Ludden!
Oh, what fun!
Could you be Monty Hall instead?
I always wanted to
dress like a chicken.
(laughs)
FELIX: Look who's home.
There he is,
Mr. Password himself!
Ready to play the
game, big fella?
Ah, look at Mitzi!
How devastating you look!
Hey, what's going on?
We're all going to
practice Password.
Oh... could I talk
to you for a minute?
Sure, partner!
What's on that razor-sharp
mind of yours? Well,
not here. In the kitchen.
It's kind of private,
okay? Yeah, sure.
Everybody, you just,
just pass some words
among each other.
You're not getting butterflies
in the tum-tum,
are you? No, no, no.
Cold feet? What? No, no, uh...
Well, it's about
our partnership.
What about it?
It's off.
Oh... you're not going
to be on Password?
Oh, yeah, I'm going
to be on Password,
but Mitzi's going
to be my partner.
So Mitzi's going
to be your partner.
Well... How about them apples?
Well, she-she loves game shows.
She's very bright.
She graduated charm school.
No kidding.
So Mitzi's in, and
little Felix is out.
That's show biz.
Guess I better tell everybody
to go home. No, no, no, no.
I promised I'd prepare
you for the game.
I keep my promises.
The show must go on, fella,
no matter how
boring it's going to be.
Boy, you're taking it great,
and I thought you'd be angry.
No. I'm a big boy now.
I didn't cry at Anzio.
Well, I want to say
I've always
underestimated your class.
(grunting)
(growling)
All right, everybody, we're
going to play Password.
MYRNA: Yay!
There will be a slight
change in the lineup.
Miriam, I'm going
to be Allen Ludden.
All right, Mr. Celebrity,
you'll sit here.
Miss Charm School,
you'll sit there.
Can we get on
with the game? Yes.
The game is worth 25 points.
The first clue is
worth ten points,
and you'll have ten
seconds in which to respond.
The first player has the
option to pass or play.
Are those the rules? I
didn't understand one word.
Don't worry, I'll carry you.
Here is the first password.
(whispers): The
word is "aquarium."
All right, Murray, you have
the option to pass or play.
While Murray is making
this difficult decision,
we'll take a short... Murray,
we're on network television.
I'll play.
Guppy.
Fish?
Wrong! Nine points.
Mitzi.
Astrology.
Astrology, guppy.
Pisces?
Very wrong! Eight points.
Officer Greshler.
Tank!
Aquarium?
Very good. "Aquarium"
wins for eight points.
Astrology?
Sure, it's from that song,
"This is the dawning of
the age of aquariums."
What a team.
Still up?
I just took Mitzi home.
Oh?
How is Miss Magna Cum
Cute from charm school?
All right, so she's
not a genius.
Who wants to date an
encyclopedia, anyway?
Oscar, if her IQ
were one point higher,
she'd have the
mentality of a handball.
But forgive me,
she's your choice.
She's not my choice anymore.
What do you mean?
Oh, you didn't
insult that poor child.
No, she insulted me.
She said she didn't want to
appear on the show with me.
She said I gave bad clues.
So I guess you'll need
another partner, then, won't you?
Yep. Hmm.
Guess I'll need another partner.
Guess everybody needs a partner,
like Rogers and
Hammerstein. Mm-hmm.
Lewis and Clark. Mmm.
Tom and Jerry.
Frick and Frack.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, I had a great partner.
Did I have a great partner.
Boy, he could play
those inflections.
You know, when he said "hot,"
man, I knew "cold,
cold, cold." Mm.
Oh, man. And then when he
gave me the "candle"... "stick."
Ooh, we'd have creamed
anybody, I'm telling you.
We would have been
the greatest team.
I better call Allen Ludden,
tell him I don't have a partner.
I'll do it. You will?
What are you doing?
Swallowing my pride.
Hey.
Look at that.
Hey, you sure it's
okay to be here?
Why, of course.
We're part of the show,
buddy. We belong here.
Doesn't it that
look bigger on TV?
That's often the case.
Fix your tie. Leave it alone.
Is that Betty White?
Where?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sh-she's an
absolutely unbeatable player.
Did you know that she and
Allen Ludden met on this show?
They met on Password, yeah.
Really? She said
"I" he said "do"?
It's very romantic.
Words brought them together.
Their password was "love."
Hey, that is nice.
BETTY: Don't you
be nervous, Millicent.
That's silly, honey.
I've got some old
lightning round words.
We can practice with them.
You can get kind of
the feeling of the show.
You want to do that?
Okay? Shoot.
All right.
Now... Photograph.
Picture? Right.
Sit. Down.
Furniture. Chair.
BETTY: Got it.
Animal.
Um... bear?
Neck. Giraffe.
That's it.
That's perfect.
That's ideal. Hi, Betty.
Remember me?
Felix Unger from the restaurant?
Average guy, loves pets?
Oh, hello.
Hello, Oscar.
How you doing?
Well, I'm a little nervous.
BETTY: Oh, don't
be. It's going to be fun.
Do you know whom
we're playing against?
Me.
You?
Yes, and I take my
Password very seriously.
I play to win.
Good luck.
Nice seeing you, Mr. Engle.
Ungle. Unger. Felix Unger.
Felix... Good luck, Betty.
Hey, wait a second. Betty White?
I'm playing against Betty White?
But with Felix Unger.
Fix your tie. Will you stop.
You saw her play.
That's why I'm scared.
Oh, nothing to be scared of.
Didn't you get the
message, the way she plays?
Simple and follow through.
Like Babe Ruth's swing.
Simple... follow through.
That's the key to champions.
Simple... follow...
Angelo Podestra.
Angelo... What is he?
Champion boccie player.
Simple... follow through.
That's the key.
Just keep your words
simple and direct.
Now, you ready to play the game?
Yeah, baseball and
boccie I'm ready to play.
Fix your tie. Oh,
you fix it yourself.
You're wearing a
clip-on tie to a show.
Here, put it back,
and fix your...
You're wear... you're wearing
a cardboard handkerchief.
That's just for show. Aren't
you ashamed of yourself?
This is my real handkerchief.
Good, after the
show, we'll rob a train.
ANNOUNCER: Ready, Allen?
All set.
Okay, everybody, relax.
Tape is rolling.
And now, here once again is the
host of Password, Allen Ludden.
Welcome back.
(applause)
Now we're going to
meet the contestants
who are going to challenge
our winning team here
of Millicent Thomas
and Betty White.
First let's meet
that fine sportswriter
from the New York
Herald, Oscar Madison.
(applause)
Welcome, Oscar. (thump)
Welcome to Password, Oscar.
Nice to be here, I think.
Now as you know,
for this special series,
we allow our
celebrity contestants
to pick their own teammates.
Now, who have you picked
for your partner, Oscar?
Oh, I chose for my
partner Felix Unger.
(applause)
Wasn't much of an introduction.
What did you want me
to say, "He... re's Felix"?
Welcome to Password, Felix.
Now, tell us a little
bit about yourself.
Well, I'm a commercial
photographer,
portraits a specialty.
Uh, I was married, but
I'm not now, unfortunately,
although I wish I were.
I have two extremely
beautiful children,
Leonard and Edna, whom I
don't see as much as I'd like to;
I only... I only get
them on weekends.
A little, Felix,
just a little, a little.
On the other hand,
I'm a very good cook,
and I'm a lot of fun at
parties, people tell me.
ALLEN: It sounds like you
lead a rich, full life, Mr. Unger.
Now, let's play Password.
Thank you, Allen.
I'll give the password
first to Oscar Madison
and Betty White.
And as they look at it, we
want you to see it at home.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "gravy." (bell dings)
Okay, Betty, the
first option is yours.
For ten points... pass or play?
I'll play.
ALLEN: Ten points.
Sauce.
Mayonnaise?
Nine points, Oscar.
Meat.
Meat.
Lincoln.
Eight points, Betty.
Covering.
Gravy.
(bell dinging) Good.
That's it. You got it.
Eight points for the ladies.
Lincoln?
It's a known fact that
Lincoln loved mayonnaise.
ALLEN: Okay, let's
move right along.
Felix, you have the word.
Thank you, Oscar... I mean, Allen.
Millicent, you have the word.
And as they look at it,
we'd like you to see it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "bird."
(bell dings) All right, Felix.
You have the option
this time... pass or play?
I'll play, Allen.
Ten points.
(clears throat)
Aristophanes.
Aristophanes?
Greek?
Nine points, Millicent.
Canary.
Bird. ALLEN: You got it!
(bell dinging, applause)
And so, with a score
of 17 to nothing,
we pause for these messages.
Aristophanes? Aristophanes?
That's a perfect clue.
Everybody knows Aristophanes
wrote a play called "The Birds."
Everybody but me.
Will you stop being
so perfect, Felix?
Fix your tie. Will you stop it?
Now, we're losing, here.
Now, come on, let's
go to get together.
Why do you think I'm
giving you these great clues?
Great clues?
If Charlie Chan had these clues,
he'd be running a laundry.
Now, we're losing 17 to nothing.
I always win at home,
don't I? Will you stop...
Fix your tie. Leave it alone.
Put it back. Never mind at home.
This is the... Oh,
the heck with it...
This is big time now. At
least open your collar...
Felix, will you listen to me?
We're going to lose
this entire game.
Now, we're being creamed.
Now, this is important.
I want you to give me good
clues, something to work with.
I'm glad you got the spirit
'cause we're going to win, win, win.
Now listen, no more Greek clues.
Aristophanes is ridiculous.
ANNOUNCER: Stand by.
Okay, back to the game.
And the word goes
to Oscar Madison,
Betty White with a
score of 17 to nothing.
This is the word.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "ridiculous."
(bell dings) All right.
Oscar, you have the
option... Pass or play.
I want to play, Allen.
(growls): Aristophanes.
Ridiculous. ALLEN: You got it.
(bell dinging, applause)
I don't believe it.
Aristophanes again?
Yes. That's our
all-purpose clue...
Aristophanes.
Simple and follow
through. ALLEN: Okay.
Simple and follow through.
Looks like the men
are on the march. Yes.
Okay, ten to 17.
You have the word,
Felix. Thank you, Allen.
Millicent, there you go.
As they look at it,
we'd like you to see it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "servant."
(bell dings) ALLEN: Okay, Felix.
The option is
yours... Pass or play?
Thank you, Allen.
I... think... I'll pass.
Uh... waiter.
Restaurant.
Nine points.
Felix.
Thank you.
Household... Ooh...
Servant? ALLEN: You got it!
(bell dinging, applause)
Great clue. Simple
and follow through.
Great clue.
(giggling)
Great clue.
Okay, 19 to 17.
Either team can
win on this word.
And as they look at it.
ANNOUNCER: The
password is "pencil."
(bell dings) All right, Betty,
your team is behind, now.
You have the
option... Pass or play?
I think I'm going
to let Oscar have it.
ALLEN: Ten points, Oscar.
Give you the game.
Lead... Graphite.
Nine points, Betty,
will give you the game.
Writing.
Pencil.
You won the game! (bell dinging)
And so we have to say
good-bye to Felix Unger, Why?
And thank you very much
for coming to play our game.
Why? Because you lost.
No, siree. My clue is good.
I can prove it. Felix...
Sorry, we've got to move
along for a new player.
But you'll have a copy
of our home game.
I've got two copies
of your home game.
I got... I've got one in my car.
Felix, you're embarrassing
me. No, I don't understand this.
Thank you very
much, Felix Unger.
Now, if you will just
relinquish your chair.
Chair. Seat. We're
not playing anymore...
Oh, please, oh, please, give
me one more chance. Please.
Oh, what a gyp!
And for all of you
playing with us at home...
I'm terribly sorry.
Hi, Felix.
I'm making cocoa.
Did you win after I was ejected?
A couple of games, but
that Betty White is terrific.
They paid me anyway.
Oh, and here's your check.
Oh?
25 dollars.
"Felix Ungle."
I just don't understand myself.
I play so well.
You play weird.
You wonder why
I didn't get "bird"
from "Aristophanes," Felix?
It's because your
logic is not my logic.
We're rotten partners.
But when you said "lead,"
I immediately
thought of "graphite."
Don't remind me.
Pencil lead is made not of lead,
but of graphite and clay.
Everybody knows that.
Well, I knew the answer
couldn't be two words,
so I chose one... graphite.
It was a very good answer.
All right, if I say it was
a very good answer,
will we drop the subject?
Yes. It was a rotten...
I'm telling you, it was
just a rotten answer, Felix.
Nobody I know
thinks the way you do.
Well, I'm unique.
Unusual.
Strange.
Peculiar. That's the word.
That's the word I
was thinking about.
You see, we can
play. Do me a favor.
Call Allen Ludden,
he'll have us on again...
Oh, what are you doing?