The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 10 - Oscar's Birthday - full transcript

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh! Is Oscar home yet?

Do you see
anything on the floor?

(giggles)

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, I got exactly
what you wanted.

Oh! Oh, we've got to hide
it before Oscar gets home.

But I thought Oscar
already had a smoking jacket.

A bathrobe with cigar butts in
the pocket is not a smoking jacket.

Well, why don't we
hide it in the closet?

That's what I did last year.



It was the one day of the year
he chose to hang up his coat.

He'd never find it in his room.

Neither would we.

What are you doing? What?

Do you know what the odds are

against his hanging up
his coat two years in a row?

Why don't you just
hand it to him directly?

"Happy Birthday, Oscar."

But that would cut out
the element of surprise.

That's what makes
it all worthwhile.

We can't give him a surprise
party without a surprise.

Now, what we need... is a theme.

A surprise and a theme.

That's the way you build
great moments in birthdays.



Great moments for who?

(door opens)

Hey, Miriam. Hi, Felix.

Oscar!

How come you're home so early?

They shortened the hallway.

What are you doing? I'm
gonna hang up my coat.

I'll hang it up for
you! Oh, no, no.

I wanted to see if you hid
my birthday present in here.

(mutters): Aw,
figures... Here...

I hope it's not a
smoking jacket.

There's only one thing

I hate worse than
a smoking jacket.

What's that?

A surprise birthday party...

with a theme!

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Felix, I'm warning you.

You try to throw a
surprise party for me,

I'm gonna throw a
surprise funeral for you!

Ah! Here it comes.

Look at this.

Mr. Martyr.

Now he's hurt.

But if Felix gave a,
gave a surprise party

for me, I'd be tickled to death.

Good. You can have my birthday.

Look, every party he throws
for me is embarrassing.

He never surprises me,
I'm always ahead of him,

and when I try to act surprised,
he says I'm not convincing.

Well, you're never
effervescent or bubbly enough.

You want effervescence
and bubbly?

Throw a surprise party
for a bottle of seltzer.

Does that mean you
don't want a party?

Miriam, you tell him, will you?

You can do it without
hitting. No party!

Thanks.

Well, that's that.

Now he'll be totally surprised!

Now, we must
come up with a theme

that will make this
an unforgettable party.

You can't be serious.
You just heard him.

I heard him, I heard
him. I hear him every year.

Last year, I even
complied with his wishes.

I didn't give him a party.

Was he happy? He said he was.

He went out, he stayed out
all night, he said he had a ball.

Maybe he did.

I know better.

I know the Madison mind.

Deep within, there's
a small, pathetic voice

saying, "Surprise me!

"Throw me a party, Felix.

You know how."

Where'd you get the jacket?

Why? You want to take it back?

No, I want to get a
pair of pants to match.

Okay. Let's start
hunting, Murray.

Yeah.

They're all empty.

How does he
drink them like this?

Hey, Felix, what
am I looking for?

I don't know.

Do I know?

No, Murray, neither of us knows.

We're looking for something

that will give us the
theme for the surprise party.

(mutters)

(honking cough)

Isn't this nice?

Petrified tuna.

"James K. Polk High School."

This is it!

Oscar's high school yearbook...
this will give us the theme for the party.

FELIX: We're all here to
plan a surprise party for Oscar.

Where's Myrna? MIRIAM:
You sure you told her

my apartment, not
yours? Of course I told her!

(doorbell buzzes)

Myrna, Myrna,
you're late. Hi, Felix.

Come in, come in. Hi, Miriam.

Hello. Hi, Murray. Hi, Myrna.

Hi, new person
without a wedding ring.

Myrna, this is Monroe.

Monroe is the super's son.

Hi. Myrna Turner,
Monroe Hernandez.

Now that the
social amenities are

out of the way, can
we start the meeting?

Eenie, meenie, minie, oatmeal.

I think I'll have an oatmeal.

Excellent decision, Murray.

Now Myrna, Miriam,
Murray, Monroe,

myself...

I think I've come up with a
great theme for Oscar's party,

and if I say so
myself, it's a biggie.

But I can't tell you about
it till the night of the party.

Now, you all must
help me with this plan.

How do we help you with the
plan if we don't know the plan?

You'll see. You'll
each have a job to do.

Each of you must find out
something about Oscar's life,

but nobody tells anybody
else what he's found out.

Or else we self-destruct?

Myrna, your job is to find
out everything you can

about Oscar's childhood
from birth to age ten.

All right. I'll just look for a
teddy bear with ketchup stains.

Monroe, you're from 21 to 30.

Find out everything you can.

Uh, well, what do I do?
Just go up and ask him?

No, you, you talk to him. You're
subtle, you use your ingenuity.

I don't have to go
into his room, do I?

Whatever.

Murray, you find out
everything you can

from 11 to 20.

I got the puberty section!

Here's the boxing story.

"Huvyweight...
muddle huvyweight"?

I create, you correct.

I can't correct a
foreign language.

(chuckles)

I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.

But I wanted to remind
you about filling out

your new payroll form;
you haven't done it yet.

Wait a minute, will you? I'm
trying to finish another story.

You want to write
a story, or get paid?

All right, let's hurry up.
Come on, I want a beer.

Okay, first, your
place of birth.

Our Lady of the Angels
Hospital, Philadelphia.

What's the attending
physician's name?

Dr. Max Greenbaum.

Was it a normal birth?

No, I was spawned upstream.

What is this?

Payroll wants this
information, not me.

What was your fondest memory
between ages one and ten?

The summer of eight.

I'm serious.

Who was your best
friend at that time?

Chubby London.
He... Wait a minute.

What's that got to
do with the payroll?

Must be a credit check.

I gave Chubby back his marbles.

Now, what's going on here?

Let me see the form, come on!

Nothing's going on
here, Mr. Madison.

What are you so
suspicious about?

Everyone your age is
always so suspicious.

Like I'm a devious person.

I'm not a devious
person, am I? No!

And it's my lunch
hour. And I'm, I'm...

I'm lunching, and I'll
be back after I lunch.

I hate suspicious people.

Hey, Oscar...

did you know I've been
studying to become a detective?

No, I didn't. How's it going?

Well... last week I
flunked disguises.

Mmm... I don't understand it!

Everybody knew it was me.

Must be your walk.

Oh, yeah.

This week, we're taking
interrogation lessons.

Hey, could I practice on you?

Sure, make me talk.

Okay...

All right, Madison, sit down!

Where were you on
the night June 14, 1942?

1942?

You heard me!
I want it straight!

I want the truth and
none of your lying stories!

Now, where were you?!

I don't remember.

Ah, that's better.

Now, who was your
best friend in high school?

Chubby London... Wait a minute.

Why is everybody asking
me about my childhood?

I don't know.

Sit down, Murray. Oscar...

Please, sit. Come on, sit down.

Now, Murray, I want
you to tell me w...

Felix made me do it!
I didn't want to do it!

I'm a nice guy! I got
nothing against you!

He wants to know
about your childhood!

I'm telling you the
truth! (frantic yelling)

Oh, please, Oscar,
give me a break!

Let me off the hook!

You're a tough nut
to crack, Murray.

There he is!

Mr. Sportswriter!

Look at him... ready to
go get 'em, aren't you?

Feeling like a million...

Ah, shut up!

You don't mean that.

I know you. You don't mean that.

What?

What's this sudden
hostility? What is it?

It's not sudden, it's been
building up for years.

I know about your
so-called surprise party

and the secret
meeting Surprise party?

Of the Macaroon Society.

I'm warning you for
the last time, Felix.

Drop the whole thing.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

This is all in your
fevered imagination.

I told you there was
no surprise party.

Like you told me you
were only moving in

for a couple of
weeks 50 years ago!

Oscar, if you don't want
me to stay here, just tell me.

I tell you every month!

(doorbell buzzes)

Come in. The door's open.

Well, Miriam, my former friend.

Come down to reminisce?

No, no, I've got to
talk to you, Felix.

Really? Feeling a little guilty?

No. I just think you should know

that Murray spilled the beans.

Oh, it was Murray who cracked.

Yes, and Oscar offered
Monroe five dollars

to tell him your party plans.

Well, he's barking up
the wrong tree there.

I can trust Monroe.
He has character.

Enough to turn
down a bribe offer.

Monroe wants to know how much

you're willing to
offer him not to tell.

What about Myrna? She
was supposed to call me.

Oh, she called me.

She got a few things,
and then lost her notes.

She turned them in to
the payroll department.

It's hard to get good spies.

I just feel awful for you.

Well, how do you think I feel?

All I want to do is
show Oscar a good time.

I know. Hi, Miriam.

Oh... Where're my clean socks?

You don't have any.
You buy them dirty.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Yes. Yes!

Just a minute, please. Hold on.

It's for you! Long distance!

Paris is calling!

You're kidding.

Hello?

Hey, it's good to
hear your voice!

How are you, Ma?

It's your mommy?

How many people do I call Mom?

Yeah, it's my mom.
Say hello to her for me.

How are you? Hello from America!

Yes, Mommy, that was
Felix. Skinny Felix, yeah.

What? What hotel's
she staying at?

What hotel are you
at? She heard you!

The Plaza! How's
your world tour, Ma?

How long you
going to be in Paris?

(stifled chuckling) No kidding!

Why are you laughing?

I found my spy... the
French connection.

(phone rings) Hello!

Yes, Mrs. Madison,
this is Felix Unger.

Thanks... Miriam.

What are you doing?

No, I'm waiting here

for Oscar's mother to
call me back from Paris.

Yeah, she was
out; I left a message.

Well, it's 9:00 here,
it's 3:00 over there.

What's the difference?

Yeah, well, I've got to
keep the phone free, yeah.

I'll call you back as
soon as I know anything.

Right. Bye-bye.

Oscar!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Your memory for
names is astounding.

But I, I thought you had a date

with crazy Rhoda
with the overbite.

You're back so early.

I did. She had to
go to the dentist.

The dentist at 9:00 at night?

She broke a tooth
opening a bottle of beer.

Crazy Rhoda!

Oh... Well, you're
back so early.

It's not that early; it's 9:00.

Yeah, you're right.

No, it's not, that's
not early at all, is it?

It's late.

(yawning): Oh, boy, I'm tired.

(yawning): 9:00 already, huh?

Oh, boy, I didn't realize
I was so bushed, huh.

Wow... (yawning)

I guess I'll turn in.

You look bushed, too.

You going to turn
in? No, I'm not tired.

Well, you were just yawning. I was
yawning because you were yawning.

I was... I was yawning
because you look so tired.

(yawning): Why
don't you go to bed?

Because it's too early, I...

(phone ringing) Why
is the pillow ringing?

No, it's not. No, it's not.

What is there under there?
No, it's not. No, it's not.

It's a wrong number. How do
you know it's a wrong number?

Some silly woman's
been calling all evening.

Let me straighten her out.

It's the wrong
number. Call back!

You can cut the act, Felix.

I know exactly
what you're doing.

You do?

Yeah. You're expecting
a call from a girl.

You didn't want me to know.

You're afraid I'll tell
Miriam or Gloria, right?

I can't fool you.

Ah...

Ah, you don't have to
worry about me, buddy.

I'll just go in my bedroom.

You won't hear a
peep out of me, huh?

You little devil.

Don't worry, I'll read a book.

At least one of us'll
get lucky tonight, huh?

You animal, you.

I can't help myself.

Felix Unger, fate
is on your side.

(phone ringing) Hello!

Go get her, you
tiger! Right, Osc!

Yes! Yes! Put her on.

Hello, Mrs. Madison.

Thanks very much
for calling me back.

Listen. I'm throwing a
surprise party for your son.

Yes, Oscar.

And... and I want a
few quick questions.

Who was his
childhood sweetheart?

Who was his best friend?

Who was his idol?

Well, besides you.

(TV plays)

Ah!

(feigned laughter)

Happy Birthday!

Well, what kind of day did
you have today, big guy?

Great, little guy.
Nice and quiet.

No surprises, and that's
the way it's going to stay.

You bet.

This is your birthday, huh?

Forget it. Did that
girl call you back?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We made some
very interesting plans.

We'll be able to see a
lot more of each other

now that her massage
parlor is closed.

Look at that.

Look at that birthday boy.

Look at that picture. You
know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to make a
portrait of you at my studio

for your birthday.

Sure. Then everybody'll
jump out of nooks and crannies,

say "Surprise! Surprise!"

No. Forget it, Felix.

I'm celebrating my
birthday watching television,

The Outlaw, and I'm
going to drink some beer.

No, you don't mean
it, you don't mean it.

Do you mind, please? Aah! Oh!

Oh! Oh, Oscar! Oh!

Oh, something...
something hurts.

I may need... my medicine.

My medicine's at the studio.

You better, better help me.

Felix, get out of
the way, will you?

It's my birthday.

I'm going to do
what I want to do.

You know something?

You're a selfish man.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. You're
not interested.

You're right.

(muttering): Selfish guy.

Selfish, selfish, selfish guy.

Felix, will you cut it out?

I don't like people
that talk to themselves

when I'm in the room.

Now, what is it?

You're a selfish man.

This party isn't for you.

It's for everybody waiting there
at the studio for you to arrive

so they can jump up
and yell "Happy Birthday"

and their little hearts
will beat a little bit faster

and there'll be some
excitement in their humdrum lives.

That's the truth. That's who
the party's for, your friends.

Hey, you know something, Felix?

For once in your
life, you're right.

That's the best
argument I ever heard

for doing something I hate.

You're right! I'll
go to the studio!

Let's get dressed. Come
on, come on, come on.

You know what? What?

I'm going to do some of the
best surprise acting you ever saw.

Show me, show me.

Oh, what a surprise!

Act, eh... try humble.

Humble? Humble, yeah.

Aw, I don't deserve this. Gee...

No, no, no. I think
bubbly is better.

Bubbly? Bubbly, yeah.

What a surprise!
Put your hands...

Gee, Felix, I don't know why

we have to come
down to your studio...

ALL: Surprise! Happy Birthday!

Oh, what a surprise!

Oh, my! You got me!

I thought we had to come down

to put out the red
light in your darkroom!

Aw, gee, I don't
really deserve this.

(muttering): How am I doing?

Remember, we threw
that out for bubbly?

Oh, yeah. Oh, well... Yes! Yay!

This is the best
surprise I've ever had!

So I guess the only thing to
do is to blow out the candles,

you sing "Happy Birthday,"
and then go home, huh?

FELIX: Not so fast!

Not so fast, Oscar
Madison, my friend,

my very, very close friend.

Because Oscar
Madison, this is your life!

(cheering, ukulele playing)

Yes, Oscar Madison,
this is your life.

Felix, I get the feeling,

I'm going to be embarrassed.

You were born in Toledo...

No, no, no. No, no. My
brother was born in Toledo.

I was born in Philadelphia.

And your family shortly
moved to Philadelphia,

where you were born
on a warm, sunny day.

And now... remember this voice?

(drunken male voice): Hey,
get me out of this darkroom!

Get me out of here!

A voice out of your
past, Oscar Madison.

Remember...

Salty's Soda
Parlor? Oh, I sure do.

You guessed it.

After all these years, we've
brought him here tonight.

Unfortunately, he was stacked up

over Kennedy
Airport for three hours.

But here he is, in the flesh,

Arthur O'Reilly!

(cheering) Who's
Arthur O'Reilly?

(slurring)

Boy, did we have
fun on that plane!

We went around and around
and then we had another...

Oscar Madison!

Oh! I see you had
your nose fixed.

Who is this? This isn't Salty.

Salty couldn't make it tonight,
but we did manage to get Arthur.

This is the man who
used to fix the jukebox

in that very
self-same soda parlor!

I don't remember him.

I don't remember you.

You're both so overcome,
you can't remember each other.

Come, sit down, Mr. O'Reilly.

Felix, I'm predicting
embarrassment.

Yes, Oscar Madison.

You've gathered a friend
from the past to your bosom.

Do you remember your
first childhood sweetheart?

You promised each other
that when you grew up,

you'd get married.

Judy Skelton is here?

Judy Skelton in the flesh!

(cheering)

Judy Skelton, Mr. Birthday Boy!

Hey, Judy! You lost weight!

And I've got tickets
for the two of you

to go ice-skating all
week at Rockefeller Plaza!

And now we come to
the piece de resistance.

Last but not least,
Oscar Madison,

remember this sound?

(rhythmic tapping)

No.

No.

Here she is, Oscar Madison,

the deep, dark secret
of your early youth.

Your dancing teacher

from the Langley Tippy
Tap Toe Dancing School,

Mrs. Irene Langley!

(cheering)

And now, for the
cherry on the sundae!

The moment we've
been waiting for!

You will relive your
fabulous, your unforgettable...

Shirley Temple dance!

Here's a pair of tap shoes.

Here is a cane...
Your original cane!

And here is Shirley Temple!

(cheering)

I surprised you, didn't I?

I got you, didn't I?

All right, everybody!

Let's toast
Mr. This-is-Your-Life himself!

Come on. Get some
punch for the birthday boy!

Here we go, everybody.

Here we are, now.

A big toast.

Here we...

Hiya, Felix.

Look, I'm sorry I
ran out like that,

but if I'd have stayed,

I'd have to punch
you right in the nose.

Why didn't you do it?

I always try to do
great big things

and they always end up rotten.

But why do you try so hard? Why?

Why? Because I'm a nut.

I'm an obsessive
person, that's why.

Try so hard to make people
happy, and I always ruin it.

No, not always... Yes, always.

Once I made my mother
a beautiful bed lamp,

but I crossed the wires,
and I blew up her night table.

(laughs)

Come on, cheer up.

Look, light the candle,

I'll blow it out and
then go to bed.

Would you do that for me?

Sure. You can even sing a
chorus of "Happy Birthday,"

but only one chorus.

Really?

Sure. Okay. Okay.

You ready? I'm ready.

Blow out the candle!

ALL: Surprise!

I surprised you!
I surprised you!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny,
which nobody can deny ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ♪

Oscar? Yeah.

Everybody's gone home.

Good. 'Cause I'm
really exhausted.

You know, that Shirley
Temple dance tires me out.

Well, you were
great in it though.

Tell me, did you have a
good time at the party?

Yes, I did. I really had fun.

Oh, great.

And I really surprised you?

You did. I didn't
think you could.

You don't know
what it does for me

just knowing I
could do it to you.

Good. Now, I want
to get into bed.

I want to read Murray's
birthday present to me.

Really, what'd he get you?

Athletes Who Have
Served Time in Jail.

Ah. That's very,
very interesting.

Yeah.

Well, good night, birthday boy.

Good night, Mr. Surprise Party.

I really fooled you? Yep.

Surprise!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ♪