The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 9 - The First Baby - full transcript
The story is told how Felix gets thrown out of the hospital at the time of his daughter's birth.
♪ Ta-da, da-da-da da-da... ♪
(scatting)
What is that?
Oh, I was just seeing
if I'd ever be able
to tap dance again.
Here, Ginger. I
found the pictures.
Take them down to the paper.
When are you going
to take that cast off?
I'm tired of having Long
John Silver for a secretary.
The cast is coming off tomorrow.
And give up skiing, will you?
But I like winter sports.
Well, go sleigh riding,
build a snow man,
kiss an Eskimo.
Okay. I'm leaving now.
I even have to work on
my lunch hour around here.
All right. I'll take
you to lunch.
Really? Where'll we go?
Here.
Oh, whitefish.
No, sardines with cream cheese.
Here. Sit, sit.
You all right?
Yeah, you treat
me too good, Mr. M.
By the way, I
wanted to thank you
for the book you brought
me in the hospital.
You're welcome.
I'll return it to the library
as soon as I can
hobble over there.
I bought it at a book store.
I was only kidding.
It was a joke.
(laughs nasally)
I'm also sorry I
missed Mr. Unger.
I wanted to thank him
for all the room freshener
he sent me in the hospital.
You know, the funny thing is,
he never once came to visit me.
He couldn't. He's
banned from that hospital.
Mr. Unger is banned from
Midcity Memorial Hospital?
He couldn't set his foot in
there even if it was broken.
(crunching)
Oh, boy.
What's the matter?
Is cream cheese
supposed to make noise?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple is filmed
in front of a live audience.
Antiseptic Mr. Unger was
banned from a hospital?
Yep. I don't believe it. Why?
It's a very long story.
Well, tell it to me. After.
What do you want to
wash that down with?
What do you got?
Brown juice and green juice.
What's the difference?
Two weeks.
Pass.
Um... maybe you better tell
me the story about Mr. Unger.
It'll take my mind
off this lunch.
Well, it was during
that basketball scandal,
you know, about 13 years ago.
Mr. Unger fixed a
basketball game?
No. I exposed a
basketball scandal.
What are you doing?
I'm covering up
the sardine's eye.
That's right.
That's when you were
a crusading reporter,
out working night and
day, fighting injustices.
No, I was home
with a hangover...
when this scared girlfriend
of a basketball player came over
to tell me that her boyfriend
had been offered a
bribe to throw a game.
I remember... my head felt
like the inside of your cast.
WOMAN: Steve
won't take the bribe.
Can you hear me?!
Oh, boy, can I hear you.
Steve won't take the bribe,
and that's why I came to you.
Steve and I have
always admired you.
Could you admire me a
little softer, please? (mutters)
Steve won't take the bribe.
Yeah, I want to get
some of this down, see...
Are you going to write
with a swizzle stick?
Oh, yeah. Here. I got it.
Now, your boyfriend's name
is Steve O'Connor, right?
Is that buttermilk?
No, just old.
Maybe I... maybe I should
come back another time.
No, no, stay. Stay. Listen.
Will Steve talk to me?
Will he name names?
I think so.
But you have to promise me
that you won't mention his name
and that nobody will be here.
He didn't even want me to come.
Oh, don't worry.
Nobody ever comes here.
(loud knocking at door) Oh, boy.
Listen, wait in the kitchen,
and I'll get rid of them, okay?
(knocking) Why don't
they use the buzzer?
(buzzer ringing loudly)
Go back to the knocking.
(knocking) All right, I got you.
Oscar! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Long time no see!
How are you? Good to see you!
How you doing, Felix?
Great! Ah-ha-ha!
You remember my wife, Gloria.
Oh, yeah, how are you?
(laughs): Big.
This is my very dear
friend, Murray Greshler.
Hi. I'm a policeman.
I'm a citizen.
Thanks a lot, Murray.
Regards home.
See you later, alligator.
(clicks tongue)
Now, nice and slow...
Felix, I know how to sit.
I'm kind of busy here.
Just remember, you're
sitting for two now, sweetheart.
Felix, see, I
wasn't expecting...
Oscar, Gloria's going
to have a little baby.
No kidding.
Are you going to have it here?
Please, Felix. I feel
like a mummy already.
No, you're going to be a mummy!
Oh, Felix, I'm so hot.
You want a cold
drink, sweetheart?
Yes. I'll get it for you.
The kitchen's
right there, isn't it?
No, you can't go
in the kitchen? No!
If I can take this room,
Oscar, I can take your kitchen.
No, let me get the
water. See, I know...
No, no. If it's too cold,
it might chill her little...
I didn't know your
kitchen was occupado.
Oh, no, she's just a friend
who's looking at the kitchen.
How was the stove?
How do you do?
My name is Felix Unger,
commercial photographer,
portraits a specialty.
This is Gloria. She's my wife.
Babies a specialty.
What is your very
young name? Lolita?
She has no name. I better go.
Come here. Listen,
you tell Steve to call me.
I'll keep his name out of
the paper, I promise you.
Sweetheart, sweetheart,
pay no attention to this.
This is a side of life we
don't see in New Rochelle.
He's all right. He's my friend.
He reminds me of one of those
skinny squealers in the movies.
I'll get your coat.
Miss, you're very young,
you've got your
whole life ahead of you.
Don't throw it away for
an hour of pleasure...
a few minutes of pleasure.
Felix, go check Gloria.
Maybe the baby kicked.
No. No. You saw something?
Will he be here?
No, I'll get rid of him.
I promise you, I'll get
rid of him. Go ahead.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
She's a college girl, came
here to give me a story.
What are you
explaining it to me for?
It's none of my business.
I'm just a guest here.
You're a guest here?
Gloria and I have decided
to take you up on your offer.
What offer? To move in with you.
Here we go,
sweetheart, here we are.
This is it.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry it's a little messy.
See, I use it for a rumpus room.
FELIX: Wonder how many
rumpuses you've had in here.
Well, Felix, see, I
wasn't expecting anyone.
I don't remember
making that offer.
I'm sure I did make
it if you said it...
Oscar, it's clear as a bell in my
memory. Don't you remember?
I came in from New Rochelle,
and I took you to my
trade show, remember?
Oh, you introduced
me to that model.
Yes, and while you were
nuzzling Miss Flashbulbs,
you said, "When Gloria's ready
to deliver, come to my place.
I'm right near the hospital."
I said that? Yeah, yeah.
Well, words to that effect.
It's-It's possible I said,
"You're near the hospital, we
ought to come to your place,"
and you said, "All
right. Leave me alone."
Now, Felix, at that
point, I would have said
anything to get rid of you,
but... that was six months ago.
Well, Oscar.
How long is your word good for?
It's just going to be
for a matter of hours.
She's almost ready.
But the doctor said it
could be two weeks.
Two weeks? No, no, no, no.
She's ready. I know
it. I feel it. Believe me.
Yeah, but wouldn't you be
more comfortable in a hotel?
No, no, we're perfectly
comfortable here.
Don't be silly.
Besides, they wouldn't
let me cook in a hotel room.
I've got Gloria
on a special diet.
I think Oscar's right.
I think we should go to a hotel.
It's no imposition.
And this great guy
wants us to stay here.
Any other time, you see,
but right now it is
a little inconvenient.
Well, I'm sorry.
What shall I do?
Ask Gloria not to
have the baby now?
Maybe I should ask the baby?
Can you wait another month?
Read a magazine!
Felix! Come on. Come on.
We're going to
some sleazy hotel.
I wonder how much you have
to tip a bellhop to deliver a baby.
Don't be so sensitive, Felix.
You know, you've
got a heart of gold.
You have. You
have. Didn't I tell you?
He's one in a million.
He's a wonderful guy.
Don't worry about us.
We won't be in your way.
There'll be no commotion.
You won't know
we're here. One thing.
Would you mind
putting out your cigar?
Not on my carpet.
It's Oscar's carpet.
You're right.
I'm going to have to
clean this place anyway.
It's a lucky thing I brought
rags and cleansers.
GLORIA: Always prepared.
I'll see you later, huh.
Oh, one thing, one thing.
How many bathrooms have we got?
Three. Good.
Only one has water. Oh.
Then we've got a problem,
haven't we? We do?
Now, I'll tell you what.
If you could brush your teeth
and shower and shave and
everything the night before,
then Gloria and I could have
the bathroom in the morning.
Well, I'll tell you
what I could do, Felix.
I could shower and shave and
eat breakfast the night before.
Then in the morning I can go to
the Copa and see the floor show.
I tell you this guy's a sport?
He's the greatest.
He's really the greatest.
One thing, um...
Do you have medicated soap?
No, no. Then you'll
have to get some.
Is there a drugstore near here?
Yeah, right on the
corner. I'll make you a list.
Thank you.
Pat, you've got to trust me.
Would I lie to you?
It's too important to me.
You bring Steve up here.
I promise you, I'll
be here all alone.
Honest. All right, bye-bye.
(sighs)
I had to get out of there.
He set off a bug bomb.
You want a pickle?
Oh, I'm not allowed
to have them.
He thinks they're
bad for people's I.Q.
Gloria, look.
I got two college kids coming
up tonight with a big story,
something that can give
my career a real boost.
Now, I know I can count on
you two to stay out of the way.
But do you think I can get
Felix to go and clean Brooklyn?
Oh, I don't know, but I wish
he'd go to a movie or something.
I mean, his labor pains
are driving me crazy.
Then send him to the movies.
Oh, I can't. I don't
want to hurt his feelings.
Then I'll send him.
Oh, but... be tactful.
I will. He won't even know
I'm asking him to leave.
Good.
Of course I'm going
to be tactful. Okay.
Felix... get out.
Why?
I want to work, so I want
you to go to the movies.
Are you crazy? My
place is with Gloria.
She's going to
have a little baby.
Felix, it could be two weeks.
Anyway, Gloria
wants you to go, too.
Oh, come on.
I want to hear that
from Gloria's mouth.
Felix, go to the movies.
All right. You heard
it from Gloria's mouth.
You want to hear it from
the baby's mouth, too?
You need to relax.
Yeah, phone us and
tell us where you are,
and then we'll call you back.
Do you really want me to go?
I-I really do.
Oh... all right, then, I'll go.
Maybe I'll find a pregnant
woman at the movies
who needs my help.
OSCAR: Oh, boy. Oh!
I got to hand it to you, Gloria.
I could never
live with that guy!
(horns honking)
(phone ringing)
There he goes again.
Hello, Felix.
Is Gloria there?
No, Gloria's not here.
She went bowling.
Don't torment me, Oscar.
I'm in my ninth month.
Felix, will you stop calling?
Go look at the movie.
I can't sit and watch
Gidget's skin clear up
while my wife is
having a little baby.
Then look for gum
under the seats.
Sweep an aisle, wave to Gidget.
Gloria's having
labor pains, isn't she?
They're coming closer
together. I can feel it.
No, her labor pains are
not coming closer together.
Only your phone calls
are coming closer together.
Oscar, listen to me.
Just in case I do happen
to watch some of the movie,
this phone will be answered
by Miss Darlene Spinoza.
Isn't that right, Miss Spinoza?
Write that name down.
Darlene Spinoza.
I got it.
Erase it.
I think Miss Spinoza's
mind is on something else.
Oh, Felix, will
you stop calling?
Gloria's fine,
everything's fine.
What about pillows? She
likes two pillows under her.
Felix, listen. Now, you're going
to hear a noise that sounds like
I'm hanging up,
but I'm not, see?
There's some
construction work going on.
So you just keep
on talking, okay?
It did sound as if you hung up.
Oscar? Oscar?
I know what you did!
(doorbell buzzes)
(doorbell buzzes)
Hey!
How's the coast?
How's the what?
PAT: The coast... is it clear?
Yeah, nobody's here.
Clear coast... come on in.
Come on.
Uh, I'm very nervous.
You don't have to
be. Nobody's here.
Sit down.
Steve, you're dribbling again.
Yes, I am.
I'm dribbling.
It's because I'm nervous.
I always dribble
when I'm nervous.
I never dribble
when I'm not nervous.
Neither do I. Will you sit...
(phone rings) Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
Oscar?
I was right not to
trust Darlene Spinoza.
She went up in the
balcony with the usher.
I'm here by myself.
Two people tried to
buy popcorn from me.
Wrong number.
Okay. Now, who was the
first to offer you a bribe?
Well, it was...
(doorbell buzzes)
Do you believe this?
I can't get a break here!
I'm all set. I brought my book.
I could deliver it right here.
You called the cops?
No, I didn't call him.
I did.
It's time, Oscar.
You sure you're ready?
You couldn't wait
a couple of m...?
No, of course you couldn't
wait a couple minutes.
OSCAR: So, listen, there's
been a change of plans, Steve.
But I'll get in touch with you,
don't worry... right away. All right.
GLORIA: I think
you better call Felix.
You're absolutely
right. That's right.
I should call Felix.
I'm gonna call Felix.
Oscar, calm down.
(busy signal)
Hear that? The phone's busy.
Operator?
How can the line be busy?
We're closed.
Leave him a note.
Yeah, okay, listen... You
wait for me downstairs,
and I'll leave him a note, okay?
MURRAY: Oscar? Yeah?
Give him my regards.
Do you believe this, Bruce?
I never asked that
man to come here!
I would never do
that! The guy's a nut!
You got to be crazy to have
somebody like that in here...
Room spray, eat your
breakfast in the b...
Look at this! I'm
talking to a gorilla!
(siren wailing)
(baby crying)
Gloria?
Oh.
Gloria?
Oscar?
There's nobody here.
I wonder if I'm in
the right apartment.
No need to panic.
Now, what should I do?
Look for a note.
Where would he hide a note?
In the gorilla.
Take the note.
Thank you.
Now, what should I do?
Read the note.
I'm going to be a father.
Now, what should I do?
I don't need the
note anymore, do I?
So I... put it
back on the tooth.
Straighten your tie.
Now what should I do?
Get what I need
and go to the hospital.
All right.
Amazing how calm I am.
All right... remain calm...
Taxi!
I want to talk to
Steve O'Connor.
Well, look, when he comes in,
will you have him
call Klondike-5-4226?
Yeah. That's the Mid-City
Memorial Hospital.
I'll be in the fathers'
waiting room.
No, he didn't get
anybody in trouble!
Hey, Felix!
Oscar? Yeah.
I'm here. Good.
I'm completely calm.
How's Gloria? She's fine.
Has she had a little baby?
No, she hasn't delivered yet.
You notice my questions
are without hysteria?
Well, how are you?
I'm a rock.
Why do you have that?
I brought it with me.
Where shall I sit my calm self?
Well, sit your
calm self over here.
Take off your
jacket, relax a bit...
I'm relaxed.
I'm not nervous.
Nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not having the baby.
Gloria's having the baby.
I'm just the father. Good point.
See, I brought some pickles.
I want to talk to you about...
What do you want
to do, take a shower?
Oh, it's a perfectly
normal mistake.
Are you sure you're all right?
Is that hand shaking?
No, but your body is.
Good idea! The doctor!
I've got to speak to
the doctor, Dr. Rogers.
Felix, I've been
wanting to tell you that.
Now, Dr. Rogers
couldn't make it.
He's out of town.
His associate is
making the delivery.
I'm calmly asking you:
Is a complete stranger
going to deliver my baby?
He'll introduce himself, and
he won't be a total stranger.
I'm sure he's a
competent doctor.
FELIX: What's his name?
Dr. James.
Dr. James?!
What is he, the hospital pet?
Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, Dr. Timmy!
What happened to
your old calm self?
I'm calm! Watch my racket!
I want to speak to Dr. James.
I'm afraid he's busy now.
He's supposed to be
delivering Mrs. Unger's baby.
I'm sure he is! Felix,
don't bug these people.
I want to speak to Dr. James!
(phone rings) Excuse me...
Hey! (amplified): Dr. James!
This is Felix! I want to speak
to you! Do you hear me, James?
Dr. James! I'm Felix Unger!
No, no, no, no!
Everything's under control!
No sweat, no sweat,
no sweat... all right.
All right, now,
what's going on here?
Who's been paging me?
Are you Dr. James? Yes.
And who are you?
I am the man who sired
Gloria Unger's baby!
What is this?! They
send a green kid!
He doesn't even shave yet! Shh!
Felix, will you...?
Forgive him, Doc.
He's a little nervous. I
want to speak to you.
All right, you'll have to make
it quick. All right, you make up.
I'm gonna make a phone
call. You see, Dr. Jim,
I happen to subscribe to
the old-fashioned notion
that childbirth is a
pretty important thing!
Yes, yes.
Well, have... have you
done this sort of thing before?
About a hundred times. Mm!
Well, I don't see
any rubber gloves.
Don't you usually
wear rubber gloves?
No, no. I usually
wear a catcher's mitt.
Do you think it's funny to
make jokes at a time like this?
It's the best time.
Now, just relax, Mr. Unger.
Your wife is fine.
You'll have to excuse me.
Another thing... belly buttons!
There are two kinds:
the kind that sticks out,
and the kind that sticks in.
I want an outie!
No! No! I want an innie!
Look, I don't care how much
beer you've been chugg...
You trust that kid?!
Felix, it's you I don't trust.
Now, look, go over there,
pick up your racket, and...
I've got to speak to her!
I've got to speak to Gloria!
I want to speak to Mrs. Unger.
She's on her way to delivery.
Oh... oh, it's time!
Oh! Oh! She's on
her way to delivery!
They're gonna wheel
her out here to get her
on the elevator...
Look, who's that?
Where? What? Oh,
darling! Darling, I love you!
I love you, sweetheart!
There's nothing to worry about!
Everything's going to
be all right, sweetheart!
Believe me! Believe me!
Well, look for him. I'll wait.
Felix, will you sit
down and relax?
They'll tell you when
the baby comes.
I'll sit down,
but I won't relax.
Oh, God, please let
everything be all right!
I'm sorry. Were you
speaking to Him?
No, I... I was just thinking.
This your first child?
Yes.
My first one, too.
Flesh is weak.
Yes.
I guess you had to
clear it with the... with...
What?
Did they excommunicate you?
I'm not a priest.
I'm a minister.
Oh... oh, I... (stammering)
Boy, oh, boy, what
would we have done
without you chaplains
in the Army? I'll...
Look, Steve, I
guarantee it'll be safe.
I'll meet you here
at the hospital.
Oscar! Oscar, I just
insulted a minister.
He's supposed to forgive you.
Felix, look, I got 15 minutes
before my contact gets here.
I'm going to get
something to eat.
You want anything, huh?
No, no... Okay.
(mumbling)
Go restring your racket.
It'll keep your fingers busy.
You didn't... pick up the...
I know it's not for me
to... tell you your job, but...
Also, when, when you're
cleaning the ashtrays,
I think you should
wipe them out, beca...
This is a hospital, and you're
supposed to keep things clean.
Your mop is dirty,
too, actually...
What are you going to do?
You... you wouldn't do anything
to an expectant
father, would you?
No, you, I mean,
you wouldn't, no...
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
What? What? I
didn't do anything!
Chaplain! Chaplain!
Relax!
Why are you so nervous?
Why am I so nervous?
I'll tell you the same
thing I told my gorilla!
I never asked that man
to come into my place
with that medicated
soap and breakfast.
Who needs that g...!
Excuse me.
There you are.
You sure it's safe here?
Sure, it's safe.
Will you stop the dribbling
and come and sit down?
Now, look, I don't
have much time.
Who was the first
guy to offer you a...
FELIX: Oscar!
There's that man again.
What's he doing here?
It's all right. His
wife is having a kid.
Felix, I'm trying to
work here, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry...
Who's the first who
approached you?
The guard... he dragged me off
to the administrative
director's office,
who accused me of
attacking a patient,
abusing the
hospital P.A. system,
and disturbing
a janitor. Felix...!
He said it's easier to
get doctors than janitors.
Can you imagine that?
I'm trying to work, Felix.
I'm sorry! Forgive
me, was I interrupting?
Yeah, now, who was...
Man bawls me out
and his whole office was
thick with cigar smoke!
Felix, go hit a pickle
against the wall!
Mr. Unger!
Yes.
Congratulations, Mr. Unger.
Your wife is doing fine.
She just gave birth
to a beautiful baby girl.
Oh... there's a new
Unger in the world!
Felix, this scoop is going
to get me my own column.
When do I get to see my baby?
What's taking so long?
They're just cleaning her up.
You should appreciate that.
Mr. Unger?
Here's your baby, Mr. Unger,
but I'm afraid you can
only see her for a second.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, hello!
Hello!
Oh, she's so beautiful!
(gurgles)
FELIX: You know what
your name is, sweetheart?
Edna! Isn't that
a beautiful name?
You're drooling,
sweetheart. That's enough.
You're drooling...
Oh, no! Oh, let me!
Oh, please! Oh...
Now, that's what I
call a beautiful baby.
Yeah?
Come on, let's go.
What's the matter?
You look worried.
Well, how do I
know it's our baby?
Oh, come on... No, but they
could have brought out any baby.
They all look alike. Oh, no,
they have a system here...
No, no, I've read
about these things.
What do you want to
do? I... I gotta see Gloria.
You can't! She's in
recovery! I've got to!
I want to talk to my
wife! You cannot see her!
Mr. Unger! Don't
do that again...!
(amplified):
Gloria, this is Felix.
You did a terrific job,
sweetheart... beautiful!
You shouldn't be doing this,
sir! I just want you to know
I'm gonna be
investigating this hospital.
I want to make
sure it's our baby...
(echoing into distance):
Oscar, help me! Oscar!
Who's Oscar?
Yeah, I saw him come in here,
came in with a tennis racket.
I heard he insulted a priest.
One of those nuts,
you know how it is.
Well, take care.
So long, brother.
That was a
beautiful story, Mr. M.
The lunch... ehhhh.
Would you take the pictures
down to the paper, please?
Myrna! Hi, Mr. Unger.
Oh, how nice to...
How's your leg?
Oh, fine.
Oh, by the way, thank you
for all the room freshener
you sent me. Oh, it was
a pleasure, believe me.
I just wish I could have
come and visited you.
Oh, that's okay.
I understand now.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Take care. Take care... easy.
(whispering):
That's a nice girl.
That's a wonderful girl!
A rotten secretary.
Isn't it always that way?
It's the nice girls,
the moral girls,
the ones who wear a bra...
They're the ones who get hurt.
Want a sandwich?
Yeah. Good. Mm-hmm. What is it?
Whitefish.
Ah! I love it.
(crunching)
What's the matter?
Is whitefish supposed
to make a noise?
(scatting)
What is that?
Oh, I was just seeing
if I'd ever be able
to tap dance again.
Here, Ginger. I
found the pictures.
Take them down to the paper.
When are you going
to take that cast off?
I'm tired of having Long
John Silver for a secretary.
The cast is coming off tomorrow.
And give up skiing, will you?
But I like winter sports.
Well, go sleigh riding,
build a snow man,
kiss an Eskimo.
Okay. I'm leaving now.
I even have to work on
my lunch hour around here.
All right. I'll take
you to lunch.
Really? Where'll we go?
Here.
Oh, whitefish.
No, sardines with cream cheese.
Here. Sit, sit.
You all right?
Yeah, you treat
me too good, Mr. M.
By the way, I
wanted to thank you
for the book you brought
me in the hospital.
You're welcome.
I'll return it to the library
as soon as I can
hobble over there.
I bought it at a book store.
I was only kidding.
It was a joke.
(laughs nasally)
I'm also sorry I
missed Mr. Unger.
I wanted to thank him
for all the room freshener
he sent me in the hospital.
You know, the funny thing is,
he never once came to visit me.
He couldn't. He's
banned from that hospital.
Mr. Unger is banned from
Midcity Memorial Hospital?
He couldn't set his foot in
there even if it was broken.
(crunching)
Oh, boy.
What's the matter?
Is cream cheese
supposed to make noise?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple is filmed
in front of a live audience.
Antiseptic Mr. Unger was
banned from a hospital?
Yep. I don't believe it. Why?
It's a very long story.
Well, tell it to me. After.
What do you want to
wash that down with?
What do you got?
Brown juice and green juice.
What's the difference?
Two weeks.
Pass.
Um... maybe you better tell
me the story about Mr. Unger.
It'll take my mind
off this lunch.
Well, it was during
that basketball scandal,
you know, about 13 years ago.
Mr. Unger fixed a
basketball game?
No. I exposed a
basketball scandal.
What are you doing?
I'm covering up
the sardine's eye.
That's right.
That's when you were
a crusading reporter,
out working night and
day, fighting injustices.
No, I was home
with a hangover...
when this scared girlfriend
of a basketball player came over
to tell me that her boyfriend
had been offered a
bribe to throw a game.
I remember... my head felt
like the inside of your cast.
WOMAN: Steve
won't take the bribe.
Can you hear me?!
Oh, boy, can I hear you.
Steve won't take the bribe,
and that's why I came to you.
Steve and I have
always admired you.
Could you admire me a
little softer, please? (mutters)
Steve won't take the bribe.
Yeah, I want to get
some of this down, see...
Are you going to write
with a swizzle stick?
Oh, yeah. Here. I got it.
Now, your boyfriend's name
is Steve O'Connor, right?
Is that buttermilk?
No, just old.
Maybe I... maybe I should
come back another time.
No, no, stay. Stay. Listen.
Will Steve talk to me?
Will he name names?
I think so.
But you have to promise me
that you won't mention his name
and that nobody will be here.
He didn't even want me to come.
Oh, don't worry.
Nobody ever comes here.
(loud knocking at door) Oh, boy.
Listen, wait in the kitchen,
and I'll get rid of them, okay?
(knocking) Why don't
they use the buzzer?
(buzzer ringing loudly)
Go back to the knocking.
(knocking) All right, I got you.
Oscar! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Long time no see!
How are you? Good to see you!
How you doing, Felix?
Great! Ah-ha-ha!
You remember my wife, Gloria.
Oh, yeah, how are you?
(laughs): Big.
This is my very dear
friend, Murray Greshler.
Hi. I'm a policeman.
I'm a citizen.
Thanks a lot, Murray.
Regards home.
See you later, alligator.
(clicks tongue)
Now, nice and slow...
Felix, I know how to sit.
I'm kind of busy here.
Just remember, you're
sitting for two now, sweetheart.
Felix, see, I
wasn't expecting...
Oscar, Gloria's going
to have a little baby.
No kidding.
Are you going to have it here?
Please, Felix. I feel
like a mummy already.
No, you're going to be a mummy!
Oh, Felix, I'm so hot.
You want a cold
drink, sweetheart?
Yes. I'll get it for you.
The kitchen's
right there, isn't it?
No, you can't go
in the kitchen? No!
If I can take this room,
Oscar, I can take your kitchen.
No, let me get the
water. See, I know...
No, no. If it's too cold,
it might chill her little...
I didn't know your
kitchen was occupado.
Oh, no, she's just a friend
who's looking at the kitchen.
How was the stove?
How do you do?
My name is Felix Unger,
commercial photographer,
portraits a specialty.
This is Gloria. She's my wife.
Babies a specialty.
What is your very
young name? Lolita?
She has no name. I better go.
Come here. Listen,
you tell Steve to call me.
I'll keep his name out of
the paper, I promise you.
Sweetheart, sweetheart,
pay no attention to this.
This is a side of life we
don't see in New Rochelle.
He's all right. He's my friend.
He reminds me of one of those
skinny squealers in the movies.
I'll get your coat.
Miss, you're very young,
you've got your
whole life ahead of you.
Don't throw it away for
an hour of pleasure...
a few minutes of pleasure.
Felix, go check Gloria.
Maybe the baby kicked.
No. No. You saw something?
Will he be here?
No, I'll get rid of him.
I promise you, I'll get
rid of him. Go ahead.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
She's a college girl, came
here to give me a story.
What are you
explaining it to me for?
It's none of my business.
I'm just a guest here.
You're a guest here?
Gloria and I have decided
to take you up on your offer.
What offer? To move in with you.
Here we go,
sweetheart, here we are.
This is it.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry it's a little messy.
See, I use it for a rumpus room.
FELIX: Wonder how many
rumpuses you've had in here.
Well, Felix, see, I
wasn't expecting anyone.
I don't remember
making that offer.
I'm sure I did make
it if you said it...
Oscar, it's clear as a bell in my
memory. Don't you remember?
I came in from New Rochelle,
and I took you to my
trade show, remember?
Oh, you introduced
me to that model.
Yes, and while you were
nuzzling Miss Flashbulbs,
you said, "When Gloria's ready
to deliver, come to my place.
I'm right near the hospital."
I said that? Yeah, yeah.
Well, words to that effect.
It's-It's possible I said,
"You're near the hospital, we
ought to come to your place,"
and you said, "All
right. Leave me alone."
Now, Felix, at that
point, I would have said
anything to get rid of you,
but... that was six months ago.
Well, Oscar.
How long is your word good for?
It's just going to be
for a matter of hours.
She's almost ready.
But the doctor said it
could be two weeks.
Two weeks? No, no, no, no.
She's ready. I know
it. I feel it. Believe me.
Yeah, but wouldn't you be
more comfortable in a hotel?
No, no, we're perfectly
comfortable here.
Don't be silly.
Besides, they wouldn't
let me cook in a hotel room.
I've got Gloria
on a special diet.
I think Oscar's right.
I think we should go to a hotel.
It's no imposition.
And this great guy
wants us to stay here.
Any other time, you see,
but right now it is
a little inconvenient.
Well, I'm sorry.
What shall I do?
Ask Gloria not to
have the baby now?
Maybe I should ask the baby?
Can you wait another month?
Read a magazine!
Felix! Come on. Come on.
We're going to
some sleazy hotel.
I wonder how much you have
to tip a bellhop to deliver a baby.
Don't be so sensitive, Felix.
You know, you've
got a heart of gold.
You have. You
have. Didn't I tell you?
He's one in a million.
He's a wonderful guy.
Don't worry about us.
We won't be in your way.
There'll be no commotion.
You won't know
we're here. One thing.
Would you mind
putting out your cigar?
Not on my carpet.
It's Oscar's carpet.
You're right.
I'm going to have to
clean this place anyway.
It's a lucky thing I brought
rags and cleansers.
GLORIA: Always prepared.
I'll see you later, huh.
Oh, one thing, one thing.
How many bathrooms have we got?
Three. Good.
Only one has water. Oh.
Then we've got a problem,
haven't we? We do?
Now, I'll tell you what.
If you could brush your teeth
and shower and shave and
everything the night before,
then Gloria and I could have
the bathroom in the morning.
Well, I'll tell you
what I could do, Felix.
I could shower and shave and
eat breakfast the night before.
Then in the morning I can go to
the Copa and see the floor show.
I tell you this guy's a sport?
He's the greatest.
He's really the greatest.
One thing, um...
Do you have medicated soap?
No, no. Then you'll
have to get some.
Is there a drugstore near here?
Yeah, right on the
corner. I'll make you a list.
Thank you.
Pat, you've got to trust me.
Would I lie to you?
It's too important to me.
You bring Steve up here.
I promise you, I'll
be here all alone.
Honest. All right, bye-bye.
(sighs)
I had to get out of there.
He set off a bug bomb.
You want a pickle?
Oh, I'm not allowed
to have them.
He thinks they're
bad for people's I.Q.
Gloria, look.
I got two college kids coming
up tonight with a big story,
something that can give
my career a real boost.
Now, I know I can count on
you two to stay out of the way.
But do you think I can get
Felix to go and clean Brooklyn?
Oh, I don't know, but I wish
he'd go to a movie or something.
I mean, his labor pains
are driving me crazy.
Then send him to the movies.
Oh, I can't. I don't
want to hurt his feelings.
Then I'll send him.
Oh, but... be tactful.
I will. He won't even know
I'm asking him to leave.
Good.
Of course I'm going
to be tactful. Okay.
Felix... get out.
Why?
I want to work, so I want
you to go to the movies.
Are you crazy? My
place is with Gloria.
She's going to
have a little baby.
Felix, it could be two weeks.
Anyway, Gloria
wants you to go, too.
Oh, come on.
I want to hear that
from Gloria's mouth.
Felix, go to the movies.
All right. You heard
it from Gloria's mouth.
You want to hear it from
the baby's mouth, too?
You need to relax.
Yeah, phone us and
tell us where you are,
and then we'll call you back.
Do you really want me to go?
I-I really do.
Oh... all right, then, I'll go.
Maybe I'll find a pregnant
woman at the movies
who needs my help.
OSCAR: Oh, boy. Oh!
I got to hand it to you, Gloria.
I could never
live with that guy!
(horns honking)
(phone ringing)
There he goes again.
Hello, Felix.
Is Gloria there?
No, Gloria's not here.
She went bowling.
Don't torment me, Oscar.
I'm in my ninth month.
Felix, will you stop calling?
Go look at the movie.
I can't sit and watch
Gidget's skin clear up
while my wife is
having a little baby.
Then look for gum
under the seats.
Sweep an aisle, wave to Gidget.
Gloria's having
labor pains, isn't she?
They're coming closer
together. I can feel it.
No, her labor pains are
not coming closer together.
Only your phone calls
are coming closer together.
Oscar, listen to me.
Just in case I do happen
to watch some of the movie,
this phone will be answered
by Miss Darlene Spinoza.
Isn't that right, Miss Spinoza?
Write that name down.
Darlene Spinoza.
I got it.
Erase it.
I think Miss Spinoza's
mind is on something else.
Oh, Felix, will
you stop calling?
Gloria's fine,
everything's fine.
What about pillows? She
likes two pillows under her.
Felix, listen. Now, you're going
to hear a noise that sounds like
I'm hanging up,
but I'm not, see?
There's some
construction work going on.
So you just keep
on talking, okay?
It did sound as if you hung up.
Oscar? Oscar?
I know what you did!
(doorbell buzzes)
(doorbell buzzes)
Hey!
How's the coast?
How's the what?
PAT: The coast... is it clear?
Yeah, nobody's here.
Clear coast... come on in.
Come on.
Uh, I'm very nervous.
You don't have to
be. Nobody's here.
Sit down.
Steve, you're dribbling again.
Yes, I am.
I'm dribbling.
It's because I'm nervous.
I always dribble
when I'm nervous.
I never dribble
when I'm not nervous.
Neither do I. Will you sit...
(phone rings) Oh, excuse me.
Hello.
Oscar?
I was right not to
trust Darlene Spinoza.
She went up in the
balcony with the usher.
I'm here by myself.
Two people tried to
buy popcorn from me.
Wrong number.
Okay. Now, who was the
first to offer you a bribe?
Well, it was...
(doorbell buzzes)
Do you believe this?
I can't get a break here!
I'm all set. I brought my book.
I could deliver it right here.
You called the cops?
No, I didn't call him.
I did.
It's time, Oscar.
You sure you're ready?
You couldn't wait
a couple of m...?
No, of course you couldn't
wait a couple minutes.
OSCAR: So, listen, there's
been a change of plans, Steve.
But I'll get in touch with you,
don't worry... right away. All right.
GLORIA: I think
you better call Felix.
You're absolutely
right. That's right.
I should call Felix.
I'm gonna call Felix.
Oscar, calm down.
(busy signal)
Hear that? The phone's busy.
Operator?
How can the line be busy?
We're closed.
Leave him a note.
Yeah, okay, listen... You
wait for me downstairs,
and I'll leave him a note, okay?
MURRAY: Oscar? Yeah?
Give him my regards.
Do you believe this, Bruce?
I never asked that
man to come here!
I would never do
that! The guy's a nut!
You got to be crazy to have
somebody like that in here...
Room spray, eat your
breakfast in the b...
Look at this! I'm
talking to a gorilla!
(siren wailing)
(baby crying)
Gloria?
Oh.
Gloria?
Oscar?
There's nobody here.
I wonder if I'm in
the right apartment.
No need to panic.
Now, what should I do?
Look for a note.
Where would he hide a note?
In the gorilla.
Take the note.
Thank you.
Now, what should I do?
Read the note.
I'm going to be a father.
Now, what should I do?
I don't need the
note anymore, do I?
So I... put it
back on the tooth.
Straighten your tie.
Now what should I do?
Get what I need
and go to the hospital.
All right.
Amazing how calm I am.
All right... remain calm...
Taxi!
I want to talk to
Steve O'Connor.
Well, look, when he comes in,
will you have him
call Klondike-5-4226?
Yeah. That's the Mid-City
Memorial Hospital.
I'll be in the fathers'
waiting room.
No, he didn't get
anybody in trouble!
Hey, Felix!
Oscar? Yeah.
I'm here. Good.
I'm completely calm.
How's Gloria? She's fine.
Has she had a little baby?
No, she hasn't delivered yet.
You notice my questions
are without hysteria?
Well, how are you?
I'm a rock.
Why do you have that?
I brought it with me.
Where shall I sit my calm self?
Well, sit your
calm self over here.
Take off your
jacket, relax a bit...
I'm relaxed.
I'm not nervous.
Nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not having the baby.
Gloria's having the baby.
I'm just the father. Good point.
See, I brought some pickles.
I want to talk to you about...
What do you want
to do, take a shower?
Oh, it's a perfectly
normal mistake.
Are you sure you're all right?
Is that hand shaking?
No, but your body is.
Good idea! The doctor!
I've got to speak to
the doctor, Dr. Rogers.
Felix, I've been
wanting to tell you that.
Now, Dr. Rogers
couldn't make it.
He's out of town.
His associate is
making the delivery.
I'm calmly asking you:
Is a complete stranger
going to deliver my baby?
He'll introduce himself, and
he won't be a total stranger.
I'm sure he's a
competent doctor.
FELIX: What's his name?
Dr. James.
Dr. James?!
What is he, the hospital pet?
Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, Dr. Timmy!
What happened to
your old calm self?
I'm calm! Watch my racket!
I want to speak to Dr. James.
I'm afraid he's busy now.
He's supposed to be
delivering Mrs. Unger's baby.
I'm sure he is! Felix,
don't bug these people.
I want to speak to Dr. James!
(phone rings) Excuse me...
Hey! (amplified): Dr. James!
This is Felix! I want to speak
to you! Do you hear me, James?
Dr. James! I'm Felix Unger!
No, no, no, no!
Everything's under control!
No sweat, no sweat,
no sweat... all right.
All right, now,
what's going on here?
Who's been paging me?
Are you Dr. James? Yes.
And who are you?
I am the man who sired
Gloria Unger's baby!
What is this?! They
send a green kid!
He doesn't even shave yet! Shh!
Felix, will you...?
Forgive him, Doc.
He's a little nervous. I
want to speak to you.
All right, you'll have to make
it quick. All right, you make up.
I'm gonna make a phone
call. You see, Dr. Jim,
I happen to subscribe to
the old-fashioned notion
that childbirth is a
pretty important thing!
Yes, yes.
Well, have... have you
done this sort of thing before?
About a hundred times. Mm!
Well, I don't see
any rubber gloves.
Don't you usually
wear rubber gloves?
No, no. I usually
wear a catcher's mitt.
Do you think it's funny to
make jokes at a time like this?
It's the best time.
Now, just relax, Mr. Unger.
Your wife is fine.
You'll have to excuse me.
Another thing... belly buttons!
There are two kinds:
the kind that sticks out,
and the kind that sticks in.
I want an outie!
No! No! I want an innie!
Look, I don't care how much
beer you've been chugg...
You trust that kid?!
Felix, it's you I don't trust.
Now, look, go over there,
pick up your racket, and...
I've got to speak to her!
I've got to speak to Gloria!
I want to speak to Mrs. Unger.
She's on her way to delivery.
Oh... oh, it's time!
Oh! Oh! She's on
her way to delivery!
They're gonna wheel
her out here to get her
on the elevator...
Look, who's that?
Where? What? Oh,
darling! Darling, I love you!
I love you, sweetheart!
There's nothing to worry about!
Everything's going to
be all right, sweetheart!
Believe me! Believe me!
Well, look for him. I'll wait.
Felix, will you sit
down and relax?
They'll tell you when
the baby comes.
I'll sit down,
but I won't relax.
Oh, God, please let
everything be all right!
I'm sorry. Were you
speaking to Him?
No, I... I was just thinking.
This your first child?
Yes.
My first one, too.
Flesh is weak.
Yes.
I guess you had to
clear it with the... with...
What?
Did they excommunicate you?
I'm not a priest.
I'm a minister.
Oh... oh, I... (stammering)
Boy, oh, boy, what
would we have done
without you chaplains
in the Army? I'll...
Look, Steve, I
guarantee it'll be safe.
I'll meet you here
at the hospital.
Oscar! Oscar, I just
insulted a minister.
He's supposed to forgive you.
Felix, look, I got 15 minutes
before my contact gets here.
I'm going to get
something to eat.
You want anything, huh?
No, no... Okay.
(mumbling)
Go restring your racket.
It'll keep your fingers busy.
You didn't... pick up the...
I know it's not for me
to... tell you your job, but...
Also, when, when you're
cleaning the ashtrays,
I think you should
wipe them out, beca...
This is a hospital, and you're
supposed to keep things clean.
Your mop is dirty,
too, actually...
What are you going to do?
You... you wouldn't do anything
to an expectant
father, would you?
No, you, I mean,
you wouldn't, no...
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
What? What? I
didn't do anything!
Chaplain! Chaplain!
Relax!
Why are you so nervous?
Why am I so nervous?
I'll tell you the same
thing I told my gorilla!
I never asked that man
to come into my place
with that medicated
soap and breakfast.
Who needs that g...!
Excuse me.
There you are.
You sure it's safe here?
Sure, it's safe.
Will you stop the dribbling
and come and sit down?
Now, look, I don't
have much time.
Who was the first
guy to offer you a...
FELIX: Oscar!
There's that man again.
What's he doing here?
It's all right. His
wife is having a kid.
Felix, I'm trying to
work here, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry...
Who's the first who
approached you?
The guard... he dragged me off
to the administrative
director's office,
who accused me of
attacking a patient,
abusing the
hospital P.A. system,
and disturbing
a janitor. Felix...!
He said it's easier to
get doctors than janitors.
Can you imagine that?
I'm trying to work, Felix.
I'm sorry! Forgive
me, was I interrupting?
Yeah, now, who was...
Man bawls me out
and his whole office was
thick with cigar smoke!
Felix, go hit a pickle
against the wall!
Mr. Unger!
Yes.
Congratulations, Mr. Unger.
Your wife is doing fine.
She just gave birth
to a beautiful baby girl.
Oh... there's a new
Unger in the world!
Felix, this scoop is going
to get me my own column.
When do I get to see my baby?
What's taking so long?
They're just cleaning her up.
You should appreciate that.
Mr. Unger?
Here's your baby, Mr. Unger,
but I'm afraid you can
only see her for a second.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, hello!
Hello!
Oh, she's so beautiful!
(gurgles)
FELIX: You know what
your name is, sweetheart?
Edna! Isn't that
a beautiful name?
You're drooling,
sweetheart. That's enough.
You're drooling...
Oh, no! Oh, let me!
Oh, please! Oh...
Now, that's what I
call a beautiful baby.
Yeah?
Come on, let's go.
What's the matter?
You look worried.
Well, how do I
know it's our baby?
Oh, come on... No, but they
could have brought out any baby.
They all look alike. Oh, no,
they have a system here...
No, no, I've read
about these things.
What do you want to
do? I... I gotta see Gloria.
You can't! She's in
recovery! I've got to!
I want to talk to my
wife! You cannot see her!
Mr. Unger! Don't
do that again...!
(amplified):
Gloria, this is Felix.
You did a terrific job,
sweetheart... beautiful!
You shouldn't be doing this,
sir! I just want you to know
I'm gonna be
investigating this hospital.
I want to make
sure it's our baby...
(echoing into distance):
Oscar, help me! Oscar!
Who's Oscar?
Yeah, I saw him come in here,
came in with a tennis racket.
I heard he insulted a priest.
One of those nuts,
you know how it is.
Well, take care.
So long, brother.
That was a
beautiful story, Mr. M.
The lunch... ehhhh.
Would you take the pictures
down to the paper, please?
Myrna! Hi, Mr. Unger.
Oh, how nice to...
How's your leg?
Oh, fine.
Oh, by the way, thank you
for all the room freshener
you sent me. Oh, it was
a pleasure, believe me.
I just wish I could have
come and visited you.
Oh, that's okay.
I understand now.
Bye. Bye-bye.
Take care. Take care... easy.
(whispering):
That's a nice girl.
That's a wonderful girl!
A rotten secretary.
Isn't it always that way?
It's the nice girls,
the moral girls,
the ones who wear a bra...
They're the ones who get hurt.
Want a sandwich?
Yeah. Good. Mm-hmm. What is it?
Whitefish.
Ah! I love it.
(crunching)
What's the matter?
Is whitefish supposed
to make a noise?