The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 8 - Felix's First Commerical - full transcript
When Felix directs his first TV commercial Oscar insists to be in it.
Very smooth, that's right.
Very, very good.
Okay, up in the sky. Up.
Up, up. Kind of sexy.
Yeah, more, more, more.
Now holy, now
demure, now saintly.
Very good, perfect.
Reloading. Perfect, girls.
Just perfect.
Felix, these proofs are
absolutely breathtaking.
How did you get that
golden glow effect, hmm?
That's mustard.
Just plain, everyday
mustard. Mustard?
Oh, that's ingenious.
Yeah, from Oscar's
thumb on the lens.
(chuckles)
Oh, I wish we had one-tenth
of your kind of creativity
in our TV commercials.
Well, heh-heh-heh. Hmm.
I am available for TV
commercials, you know.
Felix, there's a new ad campaign
that's starting soon;
it'd be perfect for you.
I think I can get the agency
to use you as a
director. Really?
Uh-huh. Multiblade.
They want to introduce their new
long-handled razor
in a commercial.
Well, I'd be perfect for that.
I shave every day.
They want to use Deacon Jones.
They want to use a minister
in a shaving commercial?
He's an athlete,
an all-pro football player.
But they can't reach him.
He won't talk to people.
He's impossible
to reach. But if...
if they could reach
him, then I can direct it?
Well, sure.
Oh, but there's no
point in that now.
Unless, uh... Unless what?
I bet Oscar could get to him.
You want me to ask Oscar
to approach Deacon Jones? Mm.
Well, you want to do the
commercial... How dare you!
You only thought of me
for this commercial
because I know Oscar.
This is... I'll do it.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Oscar? Oscar, are you home?
No.
Boy, am I glad you're
home. I'm glad you're glad.
Give me a towel,
will ya, Felix? Listen...
What are you doing? Dripping,
will you give me a towel?
You're washing, washing
in my kitchen sink?!
Yeah, I couldn't fit
in the dishwasher.
What are you, an animal?
I'm a very wet animal, Felix.
No, no, no, not on my curtains.
Here, here!
How can you wash your
face in my kitchen sink?
Well, the bathroom
sink's broken.
Oh, well, at least
you could have called
for the super to fix it.
MAN: He called the super.
Don't use your bathroom.
Wait, wait.
Where you going?
It's dinner time.
Even a super has to eat.
But wh-what about our bathroom?
Don't use it for anything.
For anything?
My very words.
What should we use?
Improvise.
The Board of Health
will hear about this.
Also the Board of Rent.
We're paying a
premium rent here.
We're entitled to certain
services... Felix, relax, will you?
Bathrooms are
allowed to break down.
What are you so upset
about? You're right.
Erase upset. I'm nice. Listen.
What? I have a tremendous
favor to ask of you.
Well, hurry up, will
you? I got a date.
I have this impossible
assignment.
You're the only man
who can help me. Yeah.
You could create a whole new me.
A whole new you?
I'd like to put a
hole in the old you.
This is serious, Oscar.
I'm sorry. What do you
want? Whatever you want,
name it, you got it.
Help me get Deacon Jones
for a TV commercial. No.
What do you mean, "no"?
What happened to
"name it, you got it"?
Felix, he's a very
shy, reserved man.
And I don't want to
impose on our friendship.
First, he brushes his teeth
and now he drinks beer.
If I get him for
this commercial,
they'll let me direct it.
I'm sorry, Felix, I can't.
Okay, my best friend,
tell me where he is.
I'll go to him, I'll
talk to him myself.
Are you kidding?
Why do you think they
need outside help to get him?
Why do you think he's
never done a commercial?
He never talks to
advertising men.
What makes you think
he's going to talk to you?
But he'll talk to you, won't he?
Yeah, we're very close.
I'm the only sportswriter
who never asked him
if both his parents were tall.
He brushes his
teeth, he drinks a beer,
now he's going to
make a sandwich.
What are you going
to do, narrate my day?
Come on, Oscar.
You could do it. Please?
What harm would it
do if you just ask him?
I'd hate to jeopardize
our friendship.
What about our friendship?
That's already in jeopardy.
All right, Oscar.
Go ahead, wound me.
Doesn't matter.
All right, all right.
St. Joan, St. Joan.
Forget it, forget it.
I'll try, I'll try, all right?
Yeah, I'll set up a luncheon
tomorrow at the Press Box,
12:30, be there, but if
you really want him, Felix,
you got to let me do all
the talking, you understand?
Fine. Fine, you do all the
talking. Okay, just remember.
12:30 at the Press Box.
Right. Gee, that's wonderful.
You won't be late, will you?
'Cause I don't want
to talk to somebody
who doesn't talk to anybody.
Felix, did I ever let you down?
No, no. Just one thing.
What? In case you let me down,
what does Deacon
Jones look like?
He's bigger than a bread box.
Do you know the correct time?
Last time you asked
me that it was 1:00.
It is now exactly
one minute after.
Has Oscar Madison
been here today?
You see any peanuts on the bar?
Any beer spilled on the floor?
Your stool sticky?
Do you know Deacon Jones?
You kidding?
That's him over there.
Where? Oh! Really?
Could you, uh, could
you do me a favor?
What? Could you
introduce me to him?
No.
Why not?
Well, you see that
big crowd of people
over there around him?
No.
That's right, he's all alone.
Because he likes it that way.
You know why he
comes in here? Why?
Because he knows I won't
introduce him to anyone.
Do it myself.
Nobody I can't talk to.
Even as a child, they
called me the friendly one.
Hey, bartender,
can I have a beer?
Hut! Hut!
You don't happen to know
the correct time, do you?
Oh, here's a watch, hmm.
Three minutes after 1:00.
Thanks.
You know, I am in
a heck of a pickle.
I was supposed
to meet my old pal,
Oscar Madison, here for lunch.
He was going to introduce me
to this famous sports figure.
I wanted this
famous sports figure
to work in a TV
commercial for me
for a heck of a lot of money.
That Oscar Madison,
you know, he's always late.
(chuckles)
Put it on my tab, Pat.
See you around. Right, Deac.
Halt!
I know I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
I know you're moody and shy.
You're fearful of
strangers, I understand that.
I understand the trauma,
400 years of slavery,
and the bussing.
But in the spirit of
Abraham Lincoln,
could you just stay and
have a little talk with me?
Let me buy you a drink.
Have I said anything wrong?
(door closes)
Hey, Felix.
Beer, Pat. Right.
How you doing, buddy?
Deac here yet?
Do you see a breadbox?
He's late, huh?
Thanks.
He was here and gone.
Oh, he was early.
No, you're late!
What are you talking about?
Look at that,
12:30. There it is.
That's your new watch, huh?
Yeah, six bucks.
May I see it?
Sure.
Of course I want to direct
the show, but I blew it.
We blew it.
He blew it, Oscar blew it.
Well, what are you going to do?
Of course, it meant
a great deal to me.
Well, in any case, thanks
for thinking of me, Judy.
Right-oh, good-bye.
Hey, Felix, old buddy.
How'd you like to get
Deacon Jones for
your commercial?
That's right, rub salt
in the wounds, Oscar.
Well, you want him or don't you?
Don't toy with me,
Oscar, I'm a loaded pistol.
Well, don't shoot.
You want him, you got him.
Are you kidding? Really?
Yeah. How? When?
Well, I figured
I'd let you down,
so I called Deacon,
we just had dinner.
We straightened
the whole thing out.
You had dinner with him? Yeah.
I'm cooking dinner here.
I've got a kitchen full of food!
(overlapping arguing)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How can you forgive
me for the terrible thing
I did to you in the bar?
You mean the
watch? You fixed it.
Every ten minutes
it asks for a pretzel.
My friend, Oscar Madison,
walks into this house and says,
"Felix, you can be a director."
That's what I said. Close-up.
Pull back to include Felix.
So you told him about the payday
and he couldn't resist, huh?
Are you kidding? He
doesn't care about the money.
That's not why
he agreed to do it.
Well, why did he do
it? Out of friendship.
Oh, I thought he hated me.
He does.
He did it out of
friendship for me.
Oh, that's nice,
that is very nice.
It is nice, I need the money.
Oscar, you're taking a kickback!
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!
What we have here is a
failure to communicate.
Look, he keeps his
money, I keep mine.
Your, wh... I... your money?
Oh, I forgot to tell you. See,
I'm in the commercial, too.
(stammering): You?
The agency would
never sit still for this.
Yeah, but you don't understand.
See, no me, no Deacon Jones.
What are you trying to do?
This is a one-man
commercial, Oscar.
Oh, no, see, we rewrote it,
and I'm afraid you're going
to have to take it or leave it.
No, but you can't...
H-How...? There's no...
Exactly.
I-I can't believe my ears!
How could you do such a thing?
For money.
The bathroom's
still broken, huh?
You'd do a thing
like this for money?
For money, for
prestige, for ego...
Do you know how
much Howard Cosell got
for a one-minute thing
he did with Don Meredith?
How much? Plenty.
I can do anything
as good as he can.
But they don't want you!
They want Deacon Jones!
They got Deacon Jones.
They got me as a the
bonus. I told you we rewrote it.
Ah, another bonus.
Felix, we did it for you.
(honking)
He won't talk.
Deacon will not talk.
How are you going to shoot
a commercial with a
man who won't talk?
So we figured it out
for your good, see?
I'll do the talking,
he'll stand there,
look magnificent, and he'll nod.
How do you like that? Wh...
Don't give me that face.
It's a question of one
hand washing the other.
Yeah, but now
we've got three hands.
I only wanted two.
It's better than none.
Get your pots out of the
sink, I got to take a bath.
Now, gentlemen, give
me your attention, please.
Uh, no one is more aware
than myself that I need you
a great deal more
than you need me.
Now, I think we're
all a great crew here,
and I think if we pull together,
we can make a really
great commercial.
What do you say, team?
Just get out of the way.
We're trying to focus. Yeah.
Start on Mr. Madison,
you come right over
to Deacon Jones.
Felix, I have such
good vibes about you.
You're going to be
a very good director.
Oh, I hope so. This
is my life's ambition.
Never fear, your stars are here.
Felix, you know Deacon. Hi.
Hey, there, brother!
Good to have you aboard, Deac.
Uh, Judy Jones, may I
present Deacon Jones.
Oh, you're both named Jones.
Huh. Maybe you're related.
Oscar?
Yeah? I'm going
over the script now.
Excuse me? What?
Oscar, I hope that, um...
You hope what?
I hope that you, uh... What?
Did you notice that
I've had chairs made
with your name and
Deacon's on them?
Hey, that's great, like
a real movie studio.
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
I did it myself.
Good. Come here.
So here's your chair. See?
I painted your
name on it. Uh-huh.
So, if you want to sit down,
well, then you sit
right here, see?
Oh, thanks, Felix. Thanks.
Oscar?
What?
You're sitting in my chair.
Well, you can sit in my chair.
No, I can't do that, because
it's got your name on it.
See? I give you my permission.
You can sit in my chair
any time you want to.
Well, that just defeats
the whole thing.
If I can sit in your chair
and you can sit in mine,
then why put the names on them?
Yeah, why put the names on?
Hmm.
Okay.
(mumbles)
I'll just change the...
No. The director
gets the taller chair.
Okay, everybody, let's
get to work, shall we?
Okay, Deacon?
Hmm?
Oscar...
Deacon's going to be
cooperative, isn't he?
I mean, I can
talk to him, can't I?
He doesn't have to answer me,
but he can nod
his head, can't he?
Relax, will you?
He knows you're the director.
Well, how does he know that
when you're sitting in my chair?
Will you take that chair?!
Oscar, here are your cue cards.
I think you know your lines,
but your lines are here on
the cue cards if you need them.
You just refer
whenever you're in trou...
All right.
Now, Deacon, you
don't have any lines.
You'll stand here on the mark
I made for you, the toe mark,
and you let the
camera be your mirror.
You're going to shave.
Why?
Why are you going to shave?
Why shave?
What is your motivation?
You wake up. It's morning.
You're not fully awake.
You look out. It's a glum day.
You feel low, you feel mean.
The world seems hostile.
You reach for the lather.
You reach for the
long, nice Multiblade.
You begin to shave.
Suddenly the world
seems a good place again!
Got that?
Hmm?
Right!
Now for the rehearsal,
you'll just pretend to shave.
Oscar...
get out of my chair.
Now you're standing
over here next to Deac.
Your motivation is...
Money. Can we shoot it, please?
No. We're not
going to shoot it now.
This is a rehearsal.
All right, Deacon, will
you come up here, please?
Please? Come on, Deac.
You'll toe the line I
made for you? Yeah.
Couple of inches
forward, please.
May I touch you?
Good.
Okay, this is going to be good.
Move the camera up two inches.
Very good, Deacon.
Does it great, doesn't he?
I don't want your
opinion, Oscar.
I want you to say your lines.
OSCAR: What lines?
Your lines on the cue card.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.
Cut. This big guy here
behind the shaving cream...
Cut! Is Deacon Jones.
Cut! What's the matter?
When I say cut, you stop.
Yeah, but I'm not through yet.
Everybody knows when
the director says cut,
everything stops.
All right, we
stopped. What is it?
Don't squint like that. Uh-huh.
Yeah. You don't have to
shout. You can talk normally.
I want you to be intimate with
us and smile now and then.
But the main thing is,
just be relaxed, be intimate.
Right, Deacon?
All right, now, start
again from the top. Okay.
Hi, my name is... Wait! Wait.
What's the matter
now? I didn't say action.
You have to wait for
the director to say action.
You're the director?
Yes, of course,
I'm the director!
Say action. All right.
Action!
Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.
FELIX: Don't squint.
This big guy here
behind the shaving cream is
Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?
Very good, Deacon.
OSCAR: You're shaving with
the new, long-handled Multiblade
safety razor, right?
FELIX: Very good, Deacon. Smile.
The long hand-led... Handled.
Handled razor
with the long reach
to move like a magic wand
over the toughest beard.
Right, Deacon? FELIX: Very good.
Deacon, you have shaved
with all kinds of razor...
Smile, smile. Smile!
Haven't you? Smile, Oscar.
Smile, Oscar.
And Multiblade really
scores with you, right? Right.
Cut! That was very, very good.
That was really
speakin', Deacon.
Deacon is fine, but the
agency will not go with Oscar.
His whole image is wrong.
What's wrong with Oscar's image?
It's rotten.
Hey, isn't that part
of the charm, that...?
No. You'll bring
in a pro tomorrow.
I'm sorry, he's out.
But if he's out, then
the big guy is out,
and if the big guy's out,
then the little guy is out.
Felix, there's a lot of
money involved with this.
Let me work with
him. I'll let him go now.
I promise you, it'll
be great tomorrow,
or we'll scrub the whole
thing, all right, please?
All right, till tomorrow.
Okay, team, that's a wrap.
We're going to meet at
9:00 tomorrow morning,
ready to make a commercial.
That was great,
Deac, really great.
9:00 tomorrow
morning, let's go. Okay.
Oscar will be here,
too, won't he? Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, I'll pick you up.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye, Judy. Hey, buddy,
was I great or was I great?
What's Howard Cosell
got that I haven't got, huh?
We're going to work on you.
You think you could
even get it better?
We're going to work on
your motivation. Uh-huh.
I'm going to give
you motivation. Yeah.
I'm going to give you a
couple of line readings.
Uh-huh. I'm going to give
you projection, I'm going to...
But I can't do anything
with this man sitting
in my chair here!
(nasal honking)
Now, you look up.
You're surprised by the
camera, and you say...
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here
be... And smile.
Smile... behind the shaving
cream is Deacon Jones...
It's a little better, but
you see, the thing is,
it should have a nice, casual,
friendly, man-to-man
thing with it.
You're standing here,
you're talking with your friend,
you're putting some
lather in his hand.
You know, it's the camaraderie.
And... A new friend joins you.
The camera's a new friend.
You look up, and you say, "Hi!
"My name is Oscar Madison.
And this big guy here
behind the shaving cream..."
You see? A little friendly.
Yeah. Big guy. It's a touch
of humor there, colloquial.
This big guy here behind the
shaving cream is Deacon Jones.
You know? Yeah.
Okay. Try it now.
So, you're putting the
shaving cream in his hand,
and you're joined
by a new friend,
and you're surprised,
and you say...
Hi! My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here...
Oscar, that's very, very good.
It could be a
little bit more real.
A little bit more solid from the
heart, you know what I mean?
What you're doing is good,
but it's got a touch of
musical comedy to it.
It should be a little
bit more legitimate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. But you want big guy?
Yeah, not so big, a
little bit more virile.
And you want the
big guy? Yeah, okay.
Now, here we go again, and
you're putting the shaving cream
in his hand, and you're joined
by a friend, and you say...
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison...
Now, it's a
little, it's a little...
Ah, that's enough!
I'm through! I never...
This is not Hamlet, you know!
But you see, if you did it
like that it would be good!
You said I had
it this afternoon.
W-what is it
supposed to be like?
Well, you're supposed
to say it like you're...
like you're talking, natural.
Not reading, right,
Mr. Unger? Right.
Go fix the bathroom.
Look. Hi, my name
is Harvey Fafner.
This big guy here
behind the shaving cream
is Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?
That is excellent, Mr. Fafner.
Perfect. I'll go
fix the bathroom.
Oscar, wait, wait.
Go fix the bathroom, Mr. Fafner.
It-It's fixed, it's fixed.
Look, but I can do this, too.
You know, I can do a commercial.
They're using real people
in commercials
now. I know they are.
I wish I could do
something for you,
but I can't use you as
an actor, Mr. Fafner.
Okay. Uh, maybe you're right.
Who wants to be an actor?
Maybe I better... better
stick to what I know best.
Singing.
I do it better than Fafner.
Yes, you do.
It's very, very good, and
it's going to be perfect.
Now, concentrate.
Total concentration.
Throw yourself into the part.
Think. Think hard.
What are you thinking?
When do I get my check?
The toughest beard, right?
You have shaved with all
kinds of razors, haven't you?
And what razor
really scores with you?
Multiblade, right?
Cut!
That is great!
That is perfect!
OSCAR: Do you really think so?
You sounded like
Howard Cosell...
Now, we're going to
shoot it just like that.
Makeup, come on.
Go ahead.
Start with the shaving
cream in the hand.
Rolling, take one.
And... action!
Cut! What are you doing?
OSCAR: Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. There's
too many things.
That guy with the
loud barber poles,
and the guys coming,
and I... shaving.
There's too much to do, Felix.
All right, we won't
do the shaving...
We'll put, we'll start with the
shaving cream on his face.
Yeah. But the
main thing is relax.
That was too many
things, that was all...
Come on, makeup!
Help us in here!
Okay. FELIX: And...
Okay, I'm loose now.
Let's go. I'm loose.
I'm loose. Let's go. Clappers.
Come on, Come
on. Rolling, take two.
I'm loose, I'm loose, I'm loose.
FELIX: Action!
I'm tight, I'm tight.
What's the matter?
(muttering): Ac...
Action, not, you know...?
Do you have to do it that way?
It makes me nervous. I have to
shout action to you. That's my job.
I'm the director. Yeah, but do you have
to do it so loud? It throws me off, see?
All right, I'll do it more
soft if that's what you want.
All right, good.
Are you still rolling?
MAN: Yeah. All right.
Please? Here we go now.
Ready?
(whispers): Action.
What?
Cut. Where does it
say "what" on the cards?
No. I thought you said
something. I didn't hear you.
You're the one who
asked me to do it quietly!
(nasal honking)
I'll tell you what it is.
The trouble is, what
it really is, is I need
more makeup, see,
I'm kind of sticky...
There's not enough
makeup in the world for you!
Felix, please.
All right, give him
anything he wants.
Oscar, baby, you're uptight.
Let's split. Oh, no, no.
I got to stay for
my friend, Deac.
Yeah, the friendly one.
Rolling, take three.
(quietly): Action.
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here
be-behind the craving
sheam is Deacon Jones.
Cut.
I had a roll going!
I was hot that time.
What's "craving sheam"? What...?
You said craving
sheam. No, I didn't...
Oh, no, come on!
Well, you ruined
the roll for me.
Hold it! Hold it.
Oscar, baby,
I'll take that part.
You pick it up
where we left off.
You just nod, okay?
Hey, that's a very good idea.
It's just the beginning
I'm having trouble with.
I'll try anything. Good,
Deac, good thinking.
Good, okay. Let's
go, let's go, let's go.
Give him the clappers, come on.
MAN: Rolling, take
four. (clappers clack)
And... cut! I mean, action.
Hi. This dude here
is Oscar Madison,
and my name is Deacon Jones.
Right, Oscar?
I'm shaving with the
new, long-handled
Multiblade safety
razor, right, Oscar?
It's the long-handled
razor with the long reach
to move like a magic wand
over the toughest beard.
How about that, Oscar?
I've shaved with
all kinds of razors,
and you know what razor
really scores with me?
Multiblade. Right?
Right.
FELIX: Wow!
Hey, that is a take!
That is a take.
Congratulations.
Hey, hey, hey, Felix,
I think I can do it now.
That was... I can do it now.
You did it. I did?
Yes, you did.
Gee, it was easier
than I thought.
When do I get my
check? Congratulations.
Put me down.
To Felix's first commercial.
Ah. It wasn't bad, brother.
Brother! Did you hear that?
He called me brother!
Oh!
But in a larger sense,
aren't all men brothers?
Isn't every man the
brother to every other man?
No matter what your profession,
no matter what your
standing in the community.
See why I don't talk?
'Cause if you talk,
you got to listen.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye. Ow!
Very, very good.
Okay, up in the sky. Up.
Up, up. Kind of sexy.
Yeah, more, more, more.
Now holy, now
demure, now saintly.
Very good, perfect.
Reloading. Perfect, girls.
Just perfect.
Felix, these proofs are
absolutely breathtaking.
How did you get that
golden glow effect, hmm?
That's mustard.
Just plain, everyday
mustard. Mustard?
Oh, that's ingenious.
Yeah, from Oscar's
thumb on the lens.
(chuckles)
Oh, I wish we had one-tenth
of your kind of creativity
in our TV commercials.
Well, heh-heh-heh. Hmm.
I am available for TV
commercials, you know.
Felix, there's a new ad campaign
that's starting soon;
it'd be perfect for you.
I think I can get the agency
to use you as a
director. Really?
Uh-huh. Multiblade.
They want to introduce their new
long-handled razor
in a commercial.
Well, I'd be perfect for that.
I shave every day.
They want to use Deacon Jones.
They want to use a minister
in a shaving commercial?
He's an athlete,
an all-pro football player.
But they can't reach him.
He won't talk to people.
He's impossible
to reach. But if...
if they could reach
him, then I can direct it?
Well, sure.
Oh, but there's no
point in that now.
Unless, uh... Unless what?
I bet Oscar could get to him.
You want me to ask Oscar
to approach Deacon Jones? Mm.
Well, you want to do the
commercial... How dare you!
You only thought of me
for this commercial
because I know Oscar.
This is... I'll do it.
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
Oscar? Oscar, are you home?
No.
Boy, am I glad you're
home. I'm glad you're glad.
Give me a towel,
will ya, Felix? Listen...
What are you doing? Dripping,
will you give me a towel?
You're washing, washing
in my kitchen sink?!
Yeah, I couldn't fit
in the dishwasher.
What are you, an animal?
I'm a very wet animal, Felix.
No, no, no, not on my curtains.
Here, here!
How can you wash your
face in my kitchen sink?
Well, the bathroom
sink's broken.
Oh, well, at least
you could have called
for the super to fix it.
MAN: He called the super.
Don't use your bathroom.
Wait, wait.
Where you going?
It's dinner time.
Even a super has to eat.
But wh-what about our bathroom?
Don't use it for anything.
For anything?
My very words.
What should we use?
Improvise.
The Board of Health
will hear about this.
Also the Board of Rent.
We're paying a
premium rent here.
We're entitled to certain
services... Felix, relax, will you?
Bathrooms are
allowed to break down.
What are you so upset
about? You're right.
Erase upset. I'm nice. Listen.
What? I have a tremendous
favor to ask of you.
Well, hurry up, will
you? I got a date.
I have this impossible
assignment.
You're the only man
who can help me. Yeah.
You could create a whole new me.
A whole new you?
I'd like to put a
hole in the old you.
This is serious, Oscar.
I'm sorry. What do you
want? Whatever you want,
name it, you got it.
Help me get Deacon Jones
for a TV commercial. No.
What do you mean, "no"?
What happened to
"name it, you got it"?
Felix, he's a very
shy, reserved man.
And I don't want to
impose on our friendship.
First, he brushes his teeth
and now he drinks beer.
If I get him for
this commercial,
they'll let me direct it.
I'm sorry, Felix, I can't.
Okay, my best friend,
tell me where he is.
I'll go to him, I'll
talk to him myself.
Are you kidding?
Why do you think they
need outside help to get him?
Why do you think he's
never done a commercial?
He never talks to
advertising men.
What makes you think
he's going to talk to you?
But he'll talk to you, won't he?
Yeah, we're very close.
I'm the only sportswriter
who never asked him
if both his parents were tall.
He brushes his
teeth, he drinks a beer,
now he's going to
make a sandwich.
What are you going
to do, narrate my day?
Come on, Oscar.
You could do it. Please?
What harm would it
do if you just ask him?
I'd hate to jeopardize
our friendship.
What about our friendship?
That's already in jeopardy.
All right, Oscar.
Go ahead, wound me.
Doesn't matter.
All right, all right.
St. Joan, St. Joan.
Forget it, forget it.
I'll try, I'll try, all right?
Yeah, I'll set up a luncheon
tomorrow at the Press Box,
12:30, be there, but if
you really want him, Felix,
you got to let me do all
the talking, you understand?
Fine. Fine, you do all the
talking. Okay, just remember.
12:30 at the Press Box.
Right. Gee, that's wonderful.
You won't be late, will you?
'Cause I don't want
to talk to somebody
who doesn't talk to anybody.
Felix, did I ever let you down?
No, no. Just one thing.
What? In case you let me down,
what does Deacon
Jones look like?
He's bigger than a bread box.
Do you know the correct time?
Last time you asked
me that it was 1:00.
It is now exactly
one minute after.
Has Oscar Madison
been here today?
You see any peanuts on the bar?
Any beer spilled on the floor?
Your stool sticky?
Do you know Deacon Jones?
You kidding?
That's him over there.
Where? Oh! Really?
Could you, uh, could
you do me a favor?
What? Could you
introduce me to him?
No.
Why not?
Well, you see that
big crowd of people
over there around him?
No.
That's right, he's all alone.
Because he likes it that way.
You know why he
comes in here? Why?
Because he knows I won't
introduce him to anyone.
Do it myself.
Nobody I can't talk to.
Even as a child, they
called me the friendly one.
Hey, bartender,
can I have a beer?
Hut! Hut!
You don't happen to know
the correct time, do you?
Oh, here's a watch, hmm.
Three minutes after 1:00.
Thanks.
You know, I am in
a heck of a pickle.
I was supposed
to meet my old pal,
Oscar Madison, here for lunch.
He was going to introduce me
to this famous sports figure.
I wanted this
famous sports figure
to work in a TV
commercial for me
for a heck of a lot of money.
That Oscar Madison,
you know, he's always late.
(chuckles)
Put it on my tab, Pat.
See you around. Right, Deac.
Halt!
I know I'm not
supposed to talk to you.
I know you're moody and shy.
You're fearful of
strangers, I understand that.
I understand the trauma,
400 years of slavery,
and the bussing.
But in the spirit of
Abraham Lincoln,
could you just stay and
have a little talk with me?
Let me buy you a drink.
Have I said anything wrong?
(door closes)
Hey, Felix.
Beer, Pat. Right.
How you doing, buddy?
Deac here yet?
Do you see a breadbox?
He's late, huh?
Thanks.
He was here and gone.
Oh, he was early.
No, you're late!
What are you talking about?
Look at that,
12:30. There it is.
That's your new watch, huh?
Yeah, six bucks.
May I see it?
Sure.
Of course I want to direct
the show, but I blew it.
We blew it.
He blew it, Oscar blew it.
Well, what are you going to do?
Of course, it meant
a great deal to me.
Well, in any case, thanks
for thinking of me, Judy.
Right-oh, good-bye.
Hey, Felix, old buddy.
How'd you like to get
Deacon Jones for
your commercial?
That's right, rub salt
in the wounds, Oscar.
Well, you want him or don't you?
Don't toy with me,
Oscar, I'm a loaded pistol.
Well, don't shoot.
You want him, you got him.
Are you kidding? Really?
Yeah. How? When?
Well, I figured
I'd let you down,
so I called Deacon,
we just had dinner.
We straightened
the whole thing out.
You had dinner with him? Yeah.
I'm cooking dinner here.
I've got a kitchen full of food!
(overlapping arguing)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How can you forgive
me for the terrible thing
I did to you in the bar?
You mean the
watch? You fixed it.
Every ten minutes
it asks for a pretzel.
My friend, Oscar Madison,
walks into this house and says,
"Felix, you can be a director."
That's what I said. Close-up.
Pull back to include Felix.
So you told him about the payday
and he couldn't resist, huh?
Are you kidding? He
doesn't care about the money.
That's not why
he agreed to do it.
Well, why did he do
it? Out of friendship.
Oh, I thought he hated me.
He does.
He did it out of
friendship for me.
Oh, that's nice,
that is very nice.
It is nice, I need the money.
Oscar, you're taking a kickback!
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!
What we have here is a
failure to communicate.
Look, he keeps his
money, I keep mine.
Your, wh... I... your money?
Oh, I forgot to tell you. See,
I'm in the commercial, too.
(stammering): You?
The agency would
never sit still for this.
Yeah, but you don't understand.
See, no me, no Deacon Jones.
What are you trying to do?
This is a one-man
commercial, Oscar.
Oh, no, see, we rewrote it,
and I'm afraid you're going
to have to take it or leave it.
No, but you can't...
H-How...? There's no...
Exactly.
I-I can't believe my ears!
How could you do such a thing?
For money.
The bathroom's
still broken, huh?
You'd do a thing
like this for money?
For money, for
prestige, for ego...
Do you know how
much Howard Cosell got
for a one-minute thing
he did with Don Meredith?
How much? Plenty.
I can do anything
as good as he can.
But they don't want you!
They want Deacon Jones!
They got Deacon Jones.
They got me as a the
bonus. I told you we rewrote it.
Ah, another bonus.
Felix, we did it for you.
(honking)
He won't talk.
Deacon will not talk.
How are you going to shoot
a commercial with a
man who won't talk?
So we figured it out
for your good, see?
I'll do the talking,
he'll stand there,
look magnificent, and he'll nod.
How do you like that? Wh...
Don't give me that face.
It's a question of one
hand washing the other.
Yeah, but now
we've got three hands.
I only wanted two.
It's better than none.
Get your pots out of the
sink, I got to take a bath.
Now, gentlemen, give
me your attention, please.
Uh, no one is more aware
than myself that I need you
a great deal more
than you need me.
Now, I think we're
all a great crew here,
and I think if we pull together,
we can make a really
great commercial.
What do you say, team?
Just get out of the way.
We're trying to focus. Yeah.
Start on Mr. Madison,
you come right over
to Deacon Jones.
Felix, I have such
good vibes about you.
You're going to be
a very good director.
Oh, I hope so. This
is my life's ambition.
Never fear, your stars are here.
Felix, you know Deacon. Hi.
Hey, there, brother!
Good to have you aboard, Deac.
Uh, Judy Jones, may I
present Deacon Jones.
Oh, you're both named Jones.
Huh. Maybe you're related.
Oscar?
Yeah? I'm going
over the script now.
Excuse me? What?
Oscar, I hope that, um...
You hope what?
I hope that you, uh... What?
Did you notice that
I've had chairs made
with your name and
Deacon's on them?
Hey, that's great, like
a real movie studio.
Yeah, yeah. That's good.
I did it myself.
Good. Come here.
So here's your chair. See?
I painted your
name on it. Uh-huh.
So, if you want to sit down,
well, then you sit
right here, see?
Oh, thanks, Felix. Thanks.
Oscar?
What?
You're sitting in my chair.
Well, you can sit in my chair.
No, I can't do that, because
it's got your name on it.
See? I give you my permission.
You can sit in my chair
any time you want to.
Well, that just defeats
the whole thing.
If I can sit in your chair
and you can sit in mine,
then why put the names on them?
Yeah, why put the names on?
Hmm.
Okay.
(mumbles)
I'll just change the...
No. The director
gets the taller chair.
Okay, everybody, let's
get to work, shall we?
Okay, Deacon?
Hmm?
Oscar...
Deacon's going to be
cooperative, isn't he?
I mean, I can
talk to him, can't I?
He doesn't have to answer me,
but he can nod
his head, can't he?
Relax, will you?
He knows you're the director.
Well, how does he know that
when you're sitting in my chair?
Will you take that chair?!
Oscar, here are your cue cards.
I think you know your lines,
but your lines are here on
the cue cards if you need them.
You just refer
whenever you're in trou...
All right.
Now, Deacon, you
don't have any lines.
You'll stand here on the mark
I made for you, the toe mark,
and you let the
camera be your mirror.
You're going to shave.
Why?
Why are you going to shave?
Why shave?
What is your motivation?
You wake up. It's morning.
You're not fully awake.
You look out. It's a glum day.
You feel low, you feel mean.
The world seems hostile.
You reach for the lather.
You reach for the
long, nice Multiblade.
You begin to shave.
Suddenly the world
seems a good place again!
Got that?
Hmm?
Right!
Now for the rehearsal,
you'll just pretend to shave.
Oscar...
get out of my chair.
Now you're standing
over here next to Deac.
Your motivation is...
Money. Can we shoot it, please?
No. We're not
going to shoot it now.
This is a rehearsal.
All right, Deacon, will
you come up here, please?
Please? Come on, Deac.
You'll toe the line I
made for you? Yeah.
Couple of inches
forward, please.
May I touch you?
Good.
Okay, this is going to be good.
Move the camera up two inches.
Very good, Deacon.
Does it great, doesn't he?
I don't want your
opinion, Oscar.
I want you to say your lines.
OSCAR: What lines?
Your lines on the cue card.
Oh, oh, oh, okay.
Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.
Cut. This big guy here
behind the shaving cream...
Cut! Is Deacon Jones.
Cut! What's the matter?
When I say cut, you stop.
Yeah, but I'm not through yet.
Everybody knows when
the director says cut,
everything stops.
All right, we
stopped. What is it?
Don't squint like that. Uh-huh.
Yeah. You don't have to
shout. You can talk normally.
I want you to be intimate with
us and smile now and then.
But the main thing is,
just be relaxed, be intimate.
Right, Deacon?
All right, now, start
again from the top. Okay.
Hi, my name is... Wait! Wait.
What's the matter
now? I didn't say action.
You have to wait for
the director to say action.
You're the director?
Yes, of course,
I'm the director!
Say action. All right.
Action!
Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.
FELIX: Don't squint.
This big guy here
behind the shaving cream is
Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?
Very good, Deacon.
OSCAR: You're shaving with
the new, long-handled Multiblade
safety razor, right?
FELIX: Very good, Deacon. Smile.
The long hand-led... Handled.
Handled razor
with the long reach
to move like a magic wand
over the toughest beard.
Right, Deacon? FELIX: Very good.
Deacon, you have shaved
with all kinds of razor...
Smile, smile. Smile!
Haven't you? Smile, Oscar.
Smile, Oscar.
And Multiblade really
scores with you, right? Right.
Cut! That was very, very good.
That was really
speakin', Deacon.
Deacon is fine, but the
agency will not go with Oscar.
His whole image is wrong.
What's wrong with Oscar's image?
It's rotten.
Hey, isn't that part
of the charm, that...?
No. You'll bring
in a pro tomorrow.
I'm sorry, he's out.
But if he's out, then
the big guy is out,
and if the big guy's out,
then the little guy is out.
Felix, there's a lot of
money involved with this.
Let me work with
him. I'll let him go now.
I promise you, it'll
be great tomorrow,
or we'll scrub the whole
thing, all right, please?
All right, till tomorrow.
Okay, team, that's a wrap.
We're going to meet at
9:00 tomorrow morning,
ready to make a commercial.
That was great,
Deac, really great.
9:00 tomorrow
morning, let's go. Okay.
Oscar will be here,
too, won't he? Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah, I'll pick you up.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye, Judy. Hey, buddy,
was I great or was I great?
What's Howard Cosell
got that I haven't got, huh?
We're going to work on you.
You think you could
even get it better?
We're going to work on
your motivation. Uh-huh.
I'm going to give
you motivation. Yeah.
I'm going to give you a
couple of line readings.
Uh-huh. I'm going to give
you projection, I'm going to...
But I can't do anything
with this man sitting
in my chair here!
(nasal honking)
Now, you look up.
You're surprised by the
camera, and you say...
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here
be... And smile.
Smile... behind the shaving
cream is Deacon Jones...
It's a little better, but
you see, the thing is,
it should have a nice, casual,
friendly, man-to-man
thing with it.
You're standing here,
you're talking with your friend,
you're putting some
lather in his hand.
You know, it's the camaraderie.
And... A new friend joins you.
The camera's a new friend.
You look up, and you say, "Hi!
"My name is Oscar Madison.
And this big guy here
behind the shaving cream..."
You see? A little friendly.
Yeah. Big guy. It's a touch
of humor there, colloquial.
This big guy here behind the
shaving cream is Deacon Jones.
You know? Yeah.
Okay. Try it now.
So, you're putting the
shaving cream in his hand,
and you're joined
by a new friend,
and you're surprised,
and you say...
Hi! My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here...
Oscar, that's very, very good.
It could be a
little bit more real.
A little bit more solid from the
heart, you know what I mean?
What you're doing is good,
but it's got a touch of
musical comedy to it.
It should be a little
bit more legitimate.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. But you want big guy?
Yeah, not so big, a
little bit more virile.
And you want the
big guy? Yeah, okay.
Now, here we go again, and
you're putting the shaving cream
in his hand, and you're joined
by a friend, and you say...
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison...
Now, it's a
little, it's a little...
Ah, that's enough!
I'm through! I never...
This is not Hamlet, you know!
But you see, if you did it
like that it would be good!
You said I had
it this afternoon.
W-what is it
supposed to be like?
Well, you're supposed
to say it like you're...
like you're talking, natural.
Not reading, right,
Mr. Unger? Right.
Go fix the bathroom.
Look. Hi, my name
is Harvey Fafner.
This big guy here
behind the shaving cream
is Deacon Jones, right, Deacon?
That is excellent, Mr. Fafner.
Perfect. I'll go
fix the bathroom.
Oscar, wait, wait.
Go fix the bathroom, Mr. Fafner.
It-It's fixed, it's fixed.
Look, but I can do this, too.
You know, I can do a commercial.
They're using real people
in commercials
now. I know they are.
I wish I could do
something for you,
but I can't use you as
an actor, Mr. Fafner.
Okay. Uh, maybe you're right.
Who wants to be an actor?
Maybe I better... better
stick to what I know best.
Singing.
I do it better than Fafner.
Yes, you do.
It's very, very good, and
it's going to be perfect.
Now, concentrate.
Total concentration.
Throw yourself into the part.
Think. Think hard.
What are you thinking?
When do I get my check?
The toughest beard, right?
You have shaved with all
kinds of razors, haven't you?
And what razor
really scores with you?
Multiblade, right?
Cut!
That is great!
That is perfect!
OSCAR: Do you really think so?
You sounded like
Howard Cosell...
Now, we're going to
shoot it just like that.
Makeup, come on.
Go ahead.
Start with the shaving
cream in the hand.
Rolling, take one.
And... action!
Cut! What are you doing?
OSCAR: Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. There's
too many things.
That guy with the
loud barber poles,
and the guys coming,
and I... shaving.
There's too much to do, Felix.
All right, we won't
do the shaving...
We'll put, we'll start with the
shaving cream on his face.
Yeah. But the
main thing is relax.
That was too many
things, that was all...
Come on, makeup!
Help us in here!
Okay. FELIX: And...
Okay, I'm loose now.
Let's go. I'm loose.
I'm loose. Let's go. Clappers.
Come on, Come
on. Rolling, take two.
I'm loose, I'm loose, I'm loose.
FELIX: Action!
I'm tight, I'm tight.
What's the matter?
(muttering): Ac...
Action, not, you know...?
Do you have to do it that way?
It makes me nervous. I have to
shout action to you. That's my job.
I'm the director. Yeah, but do you have
to do it so loud? It throws me off, see?
All right, I'll do it more
soft if that's what you want.
All right, good.
Are you still rolling?
MAN: Yeah. All right.
Please? Here we go now.
Ready?
(whispers): Action.
What?
Cut. Where does it
say "what" on the cards?
No. I thought you said
something. I didn't hear you.
You're the one who
asked me to do it quietly!
(nasal honking)
I'll tell you what it is.
The trouble is, what
it really is, is I need
more makeup, see,
I'm kind of sticky...
There's not enough
makeup in the world for you!
Felix, please.
All right, give him
anything he wants.
Oscar, baby, you're uptight.
Let's split. Oh, no, no.
I got to stay for
my friend, Deac.
Yeah, the friendly one.
Rolling, take three.
(quietly): Action.
Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.
This big guy here
be-behind the craving
sheam is Deacon Jones.
Cut.
I had a roll going!
I was hot that time.
What's "craving sheam"? What...?
You said craving
sheam. No, I didn't...
Oh, no, come on!
Well, you ruined
the roll for me.
Hold it! Hold it.
Oscar, baby,
I'll take that part.
You pick it up
where we left off.
You just nod, okay?
Hey, that's a very good idea.
It's just the beginning
I'm having trouble with.
I'll try anything. Good,
Deac, good thinking.
Good, okay. Let's
go, let's go, let's go.
Give him the clappers, come on.
MAN: Rolling, take
four. (clappers clack)
And... cut! I mean, action.
Hi. This dude here
is Oscar Madison,
and my name is Deacon Jones.
Right, Oscar?
I'm shaving with the
new, long-handled
Multiblade safety
razor, right, Oscar?
It's the long-handled
razor with the long reach
to move like a magic wand
over the toughest beard.
How about that, Oscar?
I've shaved with
all kinds of razors,
and you know what razor
really scores with me?
Multiblade. Right?
Right.
FELIX: Wow!
Hey, that is a take!
That is a take.
Congratulations.
Hey, hey, hey, Felix,
I think I can do it now.
That was... I can do it now.
You did it. I did?
Yes, you did.
Gee, it was easier
than I thought.
When do I get my
check? Congratulations.
Put me down.
To Felix's first commercial.
Ah. It wasn't bad, brother.
Brother! Did you hear that?
He called me brother!
Oh!
But in a larger sense,
aren't all men brothers?
Isn't every man the
brother to every other man?
No matter what your profession,
no matter what your
standing in the community.
See why I don't talk?
'Cause if you talk,
you got to listen.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye-bye, brother.
Bye. Ow!