The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Odd Couples - full transcript
When Oscar's mother visits, both the Odd Couple and their ex-wives have to pretend that they are still married.
(Felix honks nasally)
(coughing)
Well, this is really
something, isn't it?
Oscar Madison up
before Felix Unger?
After hearing that sinus sonata,
it won't ever happen again.
Boy, we're testy this
morning, aren't we?
Maybe you should
have some prunes.
No.
What do you want for breakfast?
You want some eggs?
You want cereal?
No, I don't want...
What do you want, pancakes?
No. Maybe you should
have some prunes.
With you, all the
problems in the world
can be solved with prunes.
Many can.
The world is falling
around my shoulders,
you offer me prunes.
Here. Read this. What is it?
Looks like a crumpled telegram.
Came 6:30 this morning.
It's a disaster.
What? What, something
I'm supposed to know?
Something you're afraid
to tell me? What? What?
It's my disaster, not yours.
Oh, thank goodness.
Uh, this isn't bad news.
This is good news.
Yeah, yeah. Your
mother's coming in.
I know, I've read it.
Her around-the-world tour
is stopping in New
York for two days.
I've read it,
Felix, I've read it.
Well, what's so
disastrous about that?
I don't know what to do.
I never told my
mother I was divorced.
You've been divorced
for three years
and you never told your mommy?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple is filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, Oscar. Oh.
Oscar.
Oscar, how could you be divorced
and not tell your mother? Why?
Why? Why? Because,
that's why, why.
Oh, oh, that explains
everything, doesn't it? Because.
Now you're going to
have to tell her, aren't you?
You don't have any more choice.
I can't tell her.
You know my mother.
She's a very special person.
She's very sensitive,
especially about divorce.
When I told her you and
Gloria were splitting up,
she said, "I'm sinking,
I'm sinking." Ah...
She likes me, doesn't she?
She likes anybody who's married.
When she gets upset,
she gets depressed.
She starts eating candy.
In two days, she
devoured 11 pounds
of chocolate-covered cherries.
So I told her that you
and Gloria got re-married.
You what?
Oh, how could you
do such a thing?
Well, it was either do that
or have a 500-pound
mother with problem skin.
How could you
lie to your mother?
Well, how did you
tell your mother
you were getting divorced? How.
She was informed
every step of the way.
She was Gloria's chief
advisor and witness.
As far as my mother's concerned,
Blanche and I are like a
rock that she can hold onto.
What am I going to tell her now?
That she only owns
a piece of the rock?
You should tell her the truth,
that's what you should tell her.
Oh, leave me alone.
I called Blanche the
minute I got the telegram.
You called Blanche
at 6:30 this morning?
Three times.
First two times she said,
"Hang up, you pervert."
Anyway, she's coming
over this afternoon.
Get off there.
How can you put Blanche through
a stupid, silly
charade like that?
It's not silly. She
loves my mother.
That's the only
thing we agree on.
Come on, eat your prunes.
This is wrong, Oscar.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Oh, it's only for
a couple of days.
See, Blanche and
I'll sleep in my room.
Mom'll sleep in your room.
Look, he eats with his fingers.
Your mother's going to
sleep in my room? Yeah.
Where am I going to sleep?
Your mother's going to see
you and Blanche
and me staying here.
What's she going to think?
What...
No. No, I won't.
No, why should I?
Aw, come on, this isn't fair!
Felix, it's not out of choice.
It's for my mother.
Now, we don't have
much time, start packing.
No, no, no, you're
discriminating against me.
This is not a commune.
We have to extinguish all
the facts that you live here.
That you ever lived
here. Come on, let's go.
But I've got a crock of
pickles maturing in the icebox.
I'm sure they'll grow
up very well without you.
Let's go, come on. You're
just going to extinguish
every sign that Felix
Unger was ever here.
All right, you can
leave fingerprints.
And after Felix disappears,
where does he appear?
Well, why don't
you go to Gloria's?
You're always complaining
you don't spend enough time
with her and the kids.
Perfect excuse.
Yeah.
Yeah, that... that-that-that...
Oh, that could be
very good for me.
And of course I want to
do what's good for you.
Aw, yeah, never mind
the "My Buddy" routine.
Just call and go.
I'm doing something for you,
you got to do
something for me. What?
Your mother's coming.
Go clean your room.
Okay. First eat your prunes.
Not so bad, heh?
(groans)
Listen, I...
You haven't
cleaned this room yet.
What? I'm almost
done. Are you kidding?
I could use some help.
Try renting a bulldozer.
Well?
I called Gloria.
And?
Well, she was not
entirely unreasonable.
She said I could stay
two days and then...
Hey, that's perfect. Two
days, that's all I need.
Two days.
What, what, what is that?
It leaks.
I'd like to stay
with Gloria forever.
Well, two days isn't bad.
You spend a lot
of time with her,
you might rekindle
that old flame, buddy.
I have to stay in my son's room.
Top bunk.
Only flame will be
from his Bunsen burner.
You know my hanging
fern in the bathroom?
Yeah, we've met, we've met.
It has to be watered
thrice a day without fail.
Now, I've already watered
it once, so that leaves...
Twice. Once from
thrice is twice. Right.
Now, make sure the
water is room temperature.
Nice water.
Nice, twice, thrice. Right.
Is that all?
No, it... it would help if
you tried to relate to it.
How do I relate to
a fern, act green?
Look, why don't
you take it with you?
Then you'll have all your
little friends around you.
Doesn't like to be moved.
All right, I'll do it for you
if you'll do something
for me. What?
Tell me how to clean this room.
Well... you begin
by making two piles.
Why?
You have to separate
and organize your dirt.
One pile is your edible garbage,
the other pile is your
inedible garbage.
In the biodegradable
pile, you put your food.
You put the tacos
and the pizzas...
How about this, is this edible?
For a coyote, it's edible.
Can I help you?
I'm not the one
who needs help, pal.
Blanche. Hi, Oscar.
You shouldn't be carrying
heavy stuff like that.
Put it over there.
Blanche.
Oh, Blanche. Felix.
You look marvelous, Blanche.
How are you? Terrific.
You lie great. No, no.
You look lovely.
So do you.
How do I look?
Have you tried prunes?
I'll take care of him.
Hey, why'd you bring
so much stuff, Blanche?
Why? Because your
mother remembers
every piece of crystal
she ever gave us.
If this room doesn't look
exactly the way it
did when she left,
if there's a cushion out of
place, she'll ask questions.
Hey, you're right. We
better unpack. Yeah.
Hey, you remember, I think
there was a monument here.
You got that?
That's one thing...
Oscar. What?
Could you give me a hand?
My teamster card expired.
Oh, oh, here.
Hey, look. Look at this.
What? Your wedding picture.
Oh, am I cute? Beautiful.
Hey, wait a minute.
Holy mackerel.
I forgot to return that tuxedo.
Okay, now, how do I
look? Did I forget anything?
Fine. Your wedding ring.
Don't forget to put
on your wedding ring.
Good heavens, relax, Oscar.
She's your mother.
She has to love
you no matter what.
I found it. Good.
It's in the pawn shop.
Don't you have any
feelings of sentiment
about that kind of thing?
Oh, I know it's very
hard to meet girls
when you're wearing a
wedding ring. (buzzing)
I paid for that
wedding ring. Come in.
That's right, this
is yours. My baby!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.
It's so good to be here
in a happy home at last.
All over the world couples
are in trouble. Trouble?
Yeah, Debbie and Eddie.
Debbie and Eddie?
That was 14 years ago, Ma.
I still can't get over it.
Little Tammy, divorced.
Has anybody got any candy?
Oh, Mom, don't
spoil your appetite.
We're going to take you
out for a wonderful dinner.
Oh, what a great idea, honey.
Thank you, sweetheart.
We're going to take you out
for the best meal you ever had.
We'll use the coupons.
You still save coupons, Ma?
They came with the tour.
Whenever I come to New York,
I go into the finest
restaurants free.
See? Dinner for two, $3.99.
For a third person,
49 cents extra.
The April in Paris Restaurant.
Where is that, Oscar?
Buffalo.
OSCAR: Hey, Mom, isn't this fun?
Let's go get some funny hats.
(Felix honks and coughs)
(continues honking and coughing)
(laughing)
I'm exhausted. You should be.
We went through a whole
book of coupons in one night.
I love my funny hat.
And I love our funny headline.
"Oscar's Mom Invades New York."
(Felix honking and coughing)
(Felix hacking)
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing here?
I told you to stay away.
Boy, do I hate you.
I called first.
There was no
answer, so I came over.
There was nobody
here, so I came in.
It was an emergency.
What emergency, fern singing?
No, I forgot my atomizer.
It's tough on me
being in my son's room.
I'm a sensitive guy.
What happened?
You mug a Shriner?
It came with the coupons.
I got one, Mom got
one, Blanche got one.
Yeah? Did you get me one?
No. That time I went
to the Smithsonian,
didn't I get you a
petrified spider?
Here, take mine.
This whole thing
is so ridiculous.
Why don't you tell
your mother the truth?
Will you forget that, Felix?
I'm not going to tell her.
Then let me tell her.
Even when I was a little kid,
I was always the one
to bring bad tidings.
I'm good at it.
Felix, she's very happy.
She's not overeating.
All I want is you
out of here, but fast!
If it were your son
getting a divorce,
wouldn't you want to know?
No. All I want to know
is a happy mother.
All I don't want to know is you!
All right.
I'll say hello to Mom,
and I'll limp on home.
You didn't notice I was limping.
I noticed. I noticed.
Then why didn't
you say something?
Because I don't care.
I fell off my bunk.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
How are you?
Oh, I'm glad to see you, Felix.
You look wonderful.
How's your nose?
Well, you know.
Was that you singing?
Yeah. Yeah.
It was nice.
Oh! Thank you. Thank you.
Ditto, Felix.
Yeah, well, he has
to go now. Bye-bye.
How did he get in?
Well, he has a key.
And I have a key to his place
because of emergency...
We're friends.
Oh. Did you ever see
two people so close?
You're like Simon and Garfunkel.
I've traveled all
over the world.
I've met people
of every nationality,
color and religious persuasion.
But never have I
ever seen such caring
and sharing as
these two friends.
I've always loved
the little guy.
Well, the little
guy's got to go now.
Oh! Oh! Listen!
Tomorrow's my
last night in town.
Why don't you bring
Gloria over here
and we'll have some dinner?
We'd love to,
but we have another appointment.
Oh, son.
Why don't you make
him come for me, please?
Oh. Felix, what could I
ever say to make you come?
Ask me!
Come!
Love to!
"I'd love to. Just ask me!"
Like I asked him
to go to the movies
or something like that.
I can't believe this mess.
I can't open my eyes.
I think it's 'cause I tried to
wipe my face on that fern.
I don't believe that man.
Did you see what he did tonight?
I'm telling you, if
he blows this thing,
I'm going to let him...
You held up, Blanche.
Thanks.
Well, time to hit
the old sackaroonie.
You still make it
sound romantic.
What do you want to do?
You want to flip a coin
to see who gets in first?
Oh... no. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Okay.
Oh, I forgot...
This is your side.
I'm not sentimental,
Oscar. Consider it a sublet.
Good night, Blanche.
Good night, Oscar.
Aren't you going
to turn the light out?
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea, you know?
You sure this is okay?
I won't tell if you don't tell.
I'll get out.
Oh.
Oscar, what are you doing?
I'll sleep on the
floor. I don't mind.
Don't be silly, Oscar.
Get back in bed. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Okay.
Thank you.
I'll get out.
Oh, no, no.
(both laughing)
That's very funny, Blanche.
I always got my best
laughs in this room.
You know, I...
I miss you sometimes, Blanche.
I miss you, too, Oscar.
It's probably in the same times.
Probably.
Well, good night, Blanche.
Good night, Oscar.
Don't try anything, Oscar.
(door buzzes)
OSCAR: Can you get it, Ma?
I climbed an Alp.
I can get a door.
Oh, Mrs. Madison! Gloria!
Mmm. Oh, it's so
good to see you!
Still a beauty. Ah, thank...
Gloria, darling!
Blanche!
Oh, it's so...
What, what do I smell?
I smell meatloaf
in my kitch... in that kitchen.
Oh, smells... Mmm...
yeah, pretty good.
Pretty good?
Yeah. Almost there.
Have you put in the oregano yet?
I never use oregano.
You don't use oregano?
How about basil and rosemary?
They're fighting.
How about letting my
mother do the cooking.
We'll go in the other
room and we'll talk
like Simon and
Garfunkel... Five minutes
before it's finished,
you'll add a pinch of each.
You'll see. Will you?
Come with me, please.
Come with me. What?
What? Where are
you two guys going?
Into my room to talk. Why?
I'll show you why.
Come on, let's... What?
I'll show you why. Come on in.
Oscar!
This room is beautif...
There's carpeting on the floor!
Oh, let me get my camera!
All right. Welcome
back! Oh, no, don't.
I forbid you to go
near that kitchen again!
I was just trying to be helpful.
Oscar, your mother is
a dear, sweet woman,
but she's forgotten everything
she ever knew about cooking.
She was using a cookie
sheet for meatloaf.
And we're gonna
be using your teeth
for lima beans if you don't stop
walking around this
house like you live here,
which you don't now,
which you never will
if you louse this
thing up tonight.
Do you want my mother to
start eating chocolates again?
No, no, no, but...
this thing isn't going to work.
Why not? Well, I don't
know if you've noticed, but...
Gloria and I aren't talking.
What happened now?
I think she's
seeing another man.
I think it's your imagination.
No, no, no, no, I've got proof.
This morning I measured
the seatbelts in her car.
The passenger side
was abnormally loose.
Maybe she went
shopping with Kate Smith.
Now you get out there.
You start speaking to her again,
because I'm gonna
keep my eye on you.
And if you blow
this thing tonight,
I'm gonna kill your fern!
Yeah, I mean it.
Now for dessert...
the piece of resistance.
(both sigh) You
know, she learned
how to speak French
on the trip, huh? Yes.
Oh, German chocolate
cake, sprinkled with rum.
Mm! Excellent, excellent!
Ah, coming from you,
that's a compliment.
Bring me a beer,
will you, Blanche?
Okay. I only had
German chocolate cake
with rum once
before, and I loved it!
You never had German
chocolate cake with rum.
Yes, I did. Once before.
Not with me, you didn't.
Maybe with someone else.
Someone with a hearty appetite.
Felix, it was with you.
I had it at Marino's once.
No, that was seven-layer cake.
This you never had before!
All right! Tonight you'll
have it together, okay?
BOTH: Use your glass.
(door buzzer)
Come in!
Hi, Osc...
Holy cow!
Mrs. Madison! Murray!
Murray, how are you? Gloria!
Blanche! Wow!
What is this? A reunion?
I feel like I just
walked into the past!
Wow!
This should be on
Ripley's Believe-it-or-not!
Wow!
Oscar!
Who is that gendarme?
Oh, eh, it's not a gendarme, Ma.
My former friend,
Murray the cop.
Oh, Murray.
I'm sorry.
I'm so bad on faces.
Hey, this is really something!
Gloria and Felix
and you and Blanche.
Wow! Ma, he just came over
to borrow some money, see.
He's on his way out.
Here. Here, here.
W-what's with the five dollars?
That's a bribe... To
keep your mouth shut.
I usually get ten.
Get out.
There's something going on here.
My stomach never lies.
You're trying to hide
something from me, Oscar.
Something's going on here
that you don't want
me to know about.
And I know what it is.
It's you two.
You're separated, aren't you?
Yeah, Ma, but
they're working on it.
That's not the truth.
We're not working at it.
Though I wish we were,
because I still love this woman.
Although she may love others.
Others? What others?
What about that fatso
you've been driving around?
What fatso?
They're working at it, Ma.
I know, I know.
Divorce is going on
all around the world.
I wonder if I'll
ever get used to it.
You wonder?
I never heard you say
you wonder about divorce.
I've gone through some
heavy changes, son.
I think you should
tell her, Oscar.
Yes, Oscar. Tell her.
All right, Ma.
Sit down. Now, look.
Not only Gloria and Felix
are having a little trouble.
You see...
Well, I don't know
how to tell you, see...
Along with Felix
and along with Gloria,
I... Oscar.
I... Oscar.
Mrs. Madison... I have a friend.
A very dear friend,
a very fine man.
In the course of life,
he met a young lady,
and he married her.
She's a very fine person,
a very decent person.
She's no raving beauty.
But... she tried
to be a good wife.
Certainly she was
never unfaithful to him.
But, as will happen
in the course of human events,
this sportswriter, this girl...
somehow fate just seemed
to smash all the dreams,
all the beauty, all...
Oh, go ahead, Oscar. Tell her.
Ma... Blanche
and I are divorced.
No, no.
You can't have any chocolate
until I tell you
the whole thing.
See... we've had
problems, Blanche and I,
but we tried to work
them out, we really did.
Now, it's not that we don't
care for each other, we do.
We're concerned
with each other's health
and welfare and...
Well, maybe that's
not love, but...
we do like each other a lot.
I think we have more
respect for each other now
than we did when
we were married.
Now, if... you want some
chocolate, go ahead.
Be my guest.
(clicking tongue)
I'll tell you what
I'll do, Oscar.
I'll give up the candy
if you won't try to
make me stop hoping...
that the four of you will
try to get together again.
Oh, Ma, I mean, we
can't promise that...
All right!
We'll try. We'll try.
Good, I'll make
some fresh coffee.
We should try it!
Why aren't we together?
There is no reason.
Tell me a reason!
I know of none... Except
for your tubby friend!
With whom you share your life.
You won't tell
me. Don't tell me.
Well, hate to leave you
all, but the cab's waiting.
Coming, Gloria?
Coming, Blanche.
Gloria, I hope
you'll drop me a line
from time to time, if
the spirit moves you.
I think it's important
to keep the lines of
communication open.
Felix, I'm going to
see you tomorrow
when you pick up the kids.
Good-bye, Gloria.
And Felix... there is no fatso.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Blanche.
Good-bye, dear.
Oscar. Mmm?
Thanks for not getting up.
I wouldn't want you
to spoil your image.
(laughs)
That's another
good one, Blanche.
Mm...
Nice.
It could use a little work,
but... nice.
She said my kiss needed work.
You're out of practice.
(coughing)
Well, this is really
something, isn't it?
Oscar Madison up
before Felix Unger?
After hearing that sinus sonata,
it won't ever happen again.
Boy, we're testy this
morning, aren't we?
Maybe you should
have some prunes.
No.
What do you want for breakfast?
You want some eggs?
You want cereal?
No, I don't want...
What do you want, pancakes?
No. Maybe you should
have some prunes.
With you, all the
problems in the world
can be solved with prunes.
Many can.
The world is falling
around my shoulders,
you offer me prunes.
Here. Read this. What is it?
Looks like a crumpled telegram.
Came 6:30 this morning.
It's a disaster.
What? What, something
I'm supposed to know?
Something you're afraid
to tell me? What? What?
It's my disaster, not yours.
Oh, thank goodness.
Uh, this isn't bad news.
This is good news.
Yeah, yeah. Your
mother's coming in.
I know, I've read it.
Her around-the-world tour
is stopping in New
York for two days.
I've read it,
Felix, I've read it.
Well, what's so
disastrous about that?
I don't know what to do.
I never told my
mother I was divorced.
You've been divorced
for three years
and you never told your mommy?
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple is filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, Oscar. Oh.
Oscar.
Oscar, how could you be divorced
and not tell your mother? Why?
Why? Why? Because,
that's why, why.
Oh, oh, that explains
everything, doesn't it? Because.
Now you're going to
have to tell her, aren't you?
You don't have any more choice.
I can't tell her.
You know my mother.
She's a very special person.
She's very sensitive,
especially about divorce.
When I told her you and
Gloria were splitting up,
she said, "I'm sinking,
I'm sinking." Ah...
She likes me, doesn't she?
She likes anybody who's married.
When she gets upset,
she gets depressed.
She starts eating candy.
In two days, she
devoured 11 pounds
of chocolate-covered cherries.
So I told her that you
and Gloria got re-married.
You what?
Oh, how could you
do such a thing?
Well, it was either do that
or have a 500-pound
mother with problem skin.
How could you
lie to your mother?
Well, how did you
tell your mother
you were getting divorced? How.
She was informed
every step of the way.
She was Gloria's chief
advisor and witness.
As far as my mother's concerned,
Blanche and I are like a
rock that she can hold onto.
What am I going to tell her now?
That she only owns
a piece of the rock?
You should tell her the truth,
that's what you should tell her.
Oh, leave me alone.
I called Blanche the
minute I got the telegram.
You called Blanche
at 6:30 this morning?
Three times.
First two times she said,
"Hang up, you pervert."
Anyway, she's coming
over this afternoon.
Get off there.
How can you put Blanche through
a stupid, silly
charade like that?
It's not silly. She
loves my mother.
That's the only
thing we agree on.
Come on, eat your prunes.
This is wrong, Oscar.
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Oh, it's only for
a couple of days.
See, Blanche and
I'll sleep in my room.
Mom'll sleep in your room.
Look, he eats with his fingers.
Your mother's going to
sleep in my room? Yeah.
Where am I going to sleep?
Your mother's going to see
you and Blanche
and me staying here.
What's she going to think?
What...
No. No, I won't.
No, why should I?
Aw, come on, this isn't fair!
Felix, it's not out of choice.
It's for my mother.
Now, we don't have
much time, start packing.
No, no, no, you're
discriminating against me.
This is not a commune.
We have to extinguish all
the facts that you live here.
That you ever lived
here. Come on, let's go.
But I've got a crock of
pickles maturing in the icebox.
I'm sure they'll grow
up very well without you.
Let's go, come on. You're
just going to extinguish
every sign that Felix
Unger was ever here.
All right, you can
leave fingerprints.
And after Felix disappears,
where does he appear?
Well, why don't
you go to Gloria's?
You're always complaining
you don't spend enough time
with her and the kids.
Perfect excuse.
Yeah.
Yeah, that... that-that-that...
Oh, that could be
very good for me.
And of course I want to
do what's good for you.
Aw, yeah, never mind
the "My Buddy" routine.
Just call and go.
I'm doing something for you,
you got to do
something for me. What?
Your mother's coming.
Go clean your room.
Okay. First eat your prunes.
Not so bad, heh?
(groans)
Listen, I...
You haven't
cleaned this room yet.
What? I'm almost
done. Are you kidding?
I could use some help.
Try renting a bulldozer.
Well?
I called Gloria.
And?
Well, she was not
entirely unreasonable.
She said I could stay
two days and then...
Hey, that's perfect. Two
days, that's all I need.
Two days.
What, what, what is that?
It leaks.
I'd like to stay
with Gloria forever.
Well, two days isn't bad.
You spend a lot
of time with her,
you might rekindle
that old flame, buddy.
I have to stay in my son's room.
Top bunk.
Only flame will be
from his Bunsen burner.
You know my hanging
fern in the bathroom?
Yeah, we've met, we've met.
It has to be watered
thrice a day without fail.
Now, I've already watered
it once, so that leaves...
Twice. Once from
thrice is twice. Right.
Now, make sure the
water is room temperature.
Nice water.
Nice, twice, thrice. Right.
Is that all?
No, it... it would help if
you tried to relate to it.
How do I relate to
a fern, act green?
Look, why don't
you take it with you?
Then you'll have all your
little friends around you.
Doesn't like to be moved.
All right, I'll do it for you
if you'll do something
for me. What?
Tell me how to clean this room.
Well... you begin
by making two piles.
Why?
You have to separate
and organize your dirt.
One pile is your edible garbage,
the other pile is your
inedible garbage.
In the biodegradable
pile, you put your food.
You put the tacos
and the pizzas...
How about this, is this edible?
For a coyote, it's edible.
Can I help you?
I'm not the one
who needs help, pal.
Blanche. Hi, Oscar.
You shouldn't be carrying
heavy stuff like that.
Put it over there.
Blanche.
Oh, Blanche. Felix.
You look marvelous, Blanche.
How are you? Terrific.
You lie great. No, no.
You look lovely.
So do you.
How do I look?
Have you tried prunes?
I'll take care of him.
Hey, why'd you bring
so much stuff, Blanche?
Why? Because your
mother remembers
every piece of crystal
she ever gave us.
If this room doesn't look
exactly the way it
did when she left,
if there's a cushion out of
place, she'll ask questions.
Hey, you're right. We
better unpack. Yeah.
Hey, you remember, I think
there was a monument here.
You got that?
That's one thing...
Oscar. What?
Could you give me a hand?
My teamster card expired.
Oh, oh, here.
Hey, look. Look at this.
What? Your wedding picture.
Oh, am I cute? Beautiful.
Hey, wait a minute.
Holy mackerel.
I forgot to return that tuxedo.
Okay, now, how do I
look? Did I forget anything?
Fine. Your wedding ring.
Don't forget to put
on your wedding ring.
Good heavens, relax, Oscar.
She's your mother.
She has to love
you no matter what.
I found it. Good.
It's in the pawn shop.
Don't you have any
feelings of sentiment
about that kind of thing?
Oh, I know it's very
hard to meet girls
when you're wearing a
wedding ring. (buzzing)
I paid for that
wedding ring. Come in.
That's right, this
is yours. My baby!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom.
It's so good to be here
in a happy home at last.
All over the world couples
are in trouble. Trouble?
Yeah, Debbie and Eddie.
Debbie and Eddie?
That was 14 years ago, Ma.
I still can't get over it.
Little Tammy, divorced.
Has anybody got any candy?
Oh, Mom, don't
spoil your appetite.
We're going to take you
out for a wonderful dinner.
Oh, what a great idea, honey.
Thank you, sweetheart.
We're going to take you out
for the best meal you ever had.
We'll use the coupons.
You still save coupons, Ma?
They came with the tour.
Whenever I come to New York,
I go into the finest
restaurants free.
See? Dinner for two, $3.99.
For a third person,
49 cents extra.
The April in Paris Restaurant.
Where is that, Oscar?
Buffalo.
OSCAR: Hey, Mom, isn't this fun?
Let's go get some funny hats.
(Felix honks and coughs)
(continues honking and coughing)
(laughing)
I'm exhausted. You should be.
We went through a whole
book of coupons in one night.
I love my funny hat.
And I love our funny headline.
"Oscar's Mom Invades New York."
(Felix honking and coughing)
(Felix hacking)
What's the matter with you?
What are you doing here?
I told you to stay away.
Boy, do I hate you.
I called first.
There was no
answer, so I came over.
There was nobody
here, so I came in.
It was an emergency.
What emergency, fern singing?
No, I forgot my atomizer.
It's tough on me
being in my son's room.
I'm a sensitive guy.
What happened?
You mug a Shriner?
It came with the coupons.
I got one, Mom got
one, Blanche got one.
Yeah? Did you get me one?
No. That time I went
to the Smithsonian,
didn't I get you a
petrified spider?
Here, take mine.
This whole thing
is so ridiculous.
Why don't you tell
your mother the truth?
Will you forget that, Felix?
I'm not going to tell her.
Then let me tell her.
Even when I was a little kid,
I was always the one
to bring bad tidings.
I'm good at it.
Felix, she's very happy.
She's not overeating.
All I want is you
out of here, but fast!
If it were your son
getting a divorce,
wouldn't you want to know?
No. All I want to know
is a happy mother.
All I don't want to know is you!
All right.
I'll say hello to Mom,
and I'll limp on home.
You didn't notice I was limping.
I noticed. I noticed.
Then why didn't
you say something?
Because I don't care.
I fell off my bunk.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
How are you?
Oh, I'm glad to see you, Felix.
You look wonderful.
How's your nose?
Well, you know.
Was that you singing?
Yeah. Yeah.
It was nice.
Oh! Thank you. Thank you.
Ditto, Felix.
Yeah, well, he has
to go now. Bye-bye.
How did he get in?
Well, he has a key.
And I have a key to his place
because of emergency...
We're friends.
Oh. Did you ever see
two people so close?
You're like Simon and Garfunkel.
I've traveled all
over the world.
I've met people
of every nationality,
color and religious persuasion.
But never have I
ever seen such caring
and sharing as
these two friends.
I've always loved
the little guy.
Well, the little
guy's got to go now.
Oh! Oh! Listen!
Tomorrow's my
last night in town.
Why don't you bring
Gloria over here
and we'll have some dinner?
We'd love to,
but we have another appointment.
Oh, son.
Why don't you make
him come for me, please?
Oh. Felix, what could I
ever say to make you come?
Ask me!
Come!
Love to!
"I'd love to. Just ask me!"
Like I asked him
to go to the movies
or something like that.
I can't believe this mess.
I can't open my eyes.
I think it's 'cause I tried to
wipe my face on that fern.
I don't believe that man.
Did you see what he did tonight?
I'm telling you, if
he blows this thing,
I'm going to let him...
You held up, Blanche.
Thanks.
Well, time to hit
the old sackaroonie.
You still make it
sound romantic.
What do you want to do?
You want to flip a coin
to see who gets in first?
Oh... no. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Okay.
Oh, I forgot...
This is your side.
I'm not sentimental,
Oscar. Consider it a sublet.
Good night, Blanche.
Good night, Oscar.
Aren't you going
to turn the light out?
Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea, you know?
You sure this is okay?
I won't tell if you don't tell.
I'll get out.
Oh.
Oscar, what are you doing?
I'll sleep on the
floor. I don't mind.
Don't be silly, Oscar.
Get back in bed. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Okay.
Thank you.
I'll get out.
Oh, no, no.
(both laughing)
That's very funny, Blanche.
I always got my best
laughs in this room.
You know, I...
I miss you sometimes, Blanche.
I miss you, too, Oscar.
It's probably in the same times.
Probably.
Well, good night, Blanche.
Good night, Oscar.
Don't try anything, Oscar.
(door buzzes)
OSCAR: Can you get it, Ma?
I climbed an Alp.
I can get a door.
Oh, Mrs. Madison! Gloria!
Mmm. Oh, it's so
good to see you!
Still a beauty. Ah, thank...
Gloria, darling!
Blanche!
Oh, it's so...
What, what do I smell?
I smell meatloaf
in my kitch... in that kitchen.
Oh, smells... Mmm...
yeah, pretty good.
Pretty good?
Yeah. Almost there.
Have you put in the oregano yet?
I never use oregano.
You don't use oregano?
How about basil and rosemary?
They're fighting.
How about letting my
mother do the cooking.
We'll go in the other
room and we'll talk
like Simon and
Garfunkel... Five minutes
before it's finished,
you'll add a pinch of each.
You'll see. Will you?
Come with me, please.
Come with me. What?
What? Where are
you two guys going?
Into my room to talk. Why?
I'll show you why.
Come on, let's... What?
I'll show you why. Come on in.
Oscar!
This room is beautif...
There's carpeting on the floor!
Oh, let me get my camera!
All right. Welcome
back! Oh, no, don't.
I forbid you to go
near that kitchen again!
I was just trying to be helpful.
Oscar, your mother is
a dear, sweet woman,
but she's forgotten everything
she ever knew about cooking.
She was using a cookie
sheet for meatloaf.
And we're gonna
be using your teeth
for lima beans if you don't stop
walking around this
house like you live here,
which you don't now,
which you never will
if you louse this
thing up tonight.
Do you want my mother to
start eating chocolates again?
No, no, no, but...
this thing isn't going to work.
Why not? Well, I don't
know if you've noticed, but...
Gloria and I aren't talking.
What happened now?
I think she's
seeing another man.
I think it's your imagination.
No, no, no, no, I've got proof.
This morning I measured
the seatbelts in her car.
The passenger side
was abnormally loose.
Maybe she went
shopping with Kate Smith.
Now you get out there.
You start speaking to her again,
because I'm gonna
keep my eye on you.
And if you blow
this thing tonight,
I'm gonna kill your fern!
Yeah, I mean it.
Now for dessert...
the piece of resistance.
(both sigh) You
know, she learned
how to speak French
on the trip, huh? Yes.
Oh, German chocolate
cake, sprinkled with rum.
Mm! Excellent, excellent!
Ah, coming from you,
that's a compliment.
Bring me a beer,
will you, Blanche?
Okay. I only had
German chocolate cake
with rum once
before, and I loved it!
You never had German
chocolate cake with rum.
Yes, I did. Once before.
Not with me, you didn't.
Maybe with someone else.
Someone with a hearty appetite.
Felix, it was with you.
I had it at Marino's once.
No, that was seven-layer cake.
This you never had before!
All right! Tonight you'll
have it together, okay?
BOTH: Use your glass.
(door buzzer)
Come in!
Hi, Osc...
Holy cow!
Mrs. Madison! Murray!
Murray, how are you? Gloria!
Blanche! Wow!
What is this? A reunion?
I feel like I just
walked into the past!
Wow!
This should be on
Ripley's Believe-it-or-not!
Wow!
Oscar!
Who is that gendarme?
Oh, eh, it's not a gendarme, Ma.
My former friend,
Murray the cop.
Oh, Murray.
I'm sorry.
I'm so bad on faces.
Hey, this is really something!
Gloria and Felix
and you and Blanche.
Wow! Ma, he just came over
to borrow some money, see.
He's on his way out.
Here. Here, here.
W-what's with the five dollars?
That's a bribe... To
keep your mouth shut.
I usually get ten.
Get out.
There's something going on here.
My stomach never lies.
You're trying to hide
something from me, Oscar.
Something's going on here
that you don't want
me to know about.
And I know what it is.
It's you two.
You're separated, aren't you?
Yeah, Ma, but
they're working on it.
That's not the truth.
We're not working at it.
Though I wish we were,
because I still love this woman.
Although she may love others.
Others? What others?
What about that fatso
you've been driving around?
What fatso?
They're working at it, Ma.
I know, I know.
Divorce is going on
all around the world.
I wonder if I'll
ever get used to it.
You wonder?
I never heard you say
you wonder about divorce.
I've gone through some
heavy changes, son.
I think you should
tell her, Oscar.
Yes, Oscar. Tell her.
All right, Ma.
Sit down. Now, look.
Not only Gloria and Felix
are having a little trouble.
You see...
Well, I don't know
how to tell you, see...
Along with Felix
and along with Gloria,
I... Oscar.
I... Oscar.
Mrs. Madison... I have a friend.
A very dear friend,
a very fine man.
In the course of life,
he met a young lady,
and he married her.
She's a very fine person,
a very decent person.
She's no raving beauty.
But... she tried
to be a good wife.
Certainly she was
never unfaithful to him.
But, as will happen
in the course of human events,
this sportswriter, this girl...
somehow fate just seemed
to smash all the dreams,
all the beauty, all...
Oh, go ahead, Oscar. Tell her.
Ma... Blanche
and I are divorced.
No, no.
You can't have any chocolate
until I tell you
the whole thing.
See... we've had
problems, Blanche and I,
but we tried to work
them out, we really did.
Now, it's not that we don't
care for each other, we do.
We're concerned
with each other's health
and welfare and...
Well, maybe that's
not love, but...
we do like each other a lot.
I think we have more
respect for each other now
than we did when
we were married.
Now, if... you want some
chocolate, go ahead.
Be my guest.
(clicking tongue)
I'll tell you what
I'll do, Oscar.
I'll give up the candy
if you won't try to
make me stop hoping...
that the four of you will
try to get together again.
Oh, Ma, I mean, we
can't promise that...
All right!
We'll try. We'll try.
Good, I'll make
some fresh coffee.
We should try it!
Why aren't we together?
There is no reason.
Tell me a reason!
I know of none... Except
for your tubby friend!
With whom you share your life.
You won't tell
me. Don't tell me.
Well, hate to leave you
all, but the cab's waiting.
Coming, Gloria?
Coming, Blanche.
Gloria, I hope
you'll drop me a line
from time to time, if
the spirit moves you.
I think it's important
to keep the lines of
communication open.
Felix, I'm going to
see you tomorrow
when you pick up the kids.
Good-bye, Gloria.
And Felix... there is no fatso.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Blanche.
Good-bye, dear.
Oscar. Mmm?
Thanks for not getting up.
I wouldn't want you
to spoil your image.
(laughs)
That's another
good one, Blanche.
Mm...
Nice.
It could use a little work,
but... nice.
She said my kiss needed work.
You're out of practice.