The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 6 - I'm Dying of Unger - full transcript
Due to Oscar's writer's block Felix takes him to the woods to unwind.
(buzzing)
Good morning, Felix.
Refill.
What's Oscar doing
sleeping on the couch? Shh.
He was up all night
working on a book.
What's he reading?
He's writing the book.
A whole book?
Mark my words, Murray,
there is greatness in that man.
You really think so, Felix?
If I didn't think so,
would I have let him
have the apartment
to himself all last night?
Why?
So he can write.
I honk in my sleep, see?
So I spent the whole
night in a taxicab
riding around town.
What's Oscar's book about?
Sports, of course.
It examines the question
of the killer instinct
in champions.
Why does one man...
With all the natural
ability in the world...
Why is he a mild, passive man?
While another man
with only the same ability
has that savage desire
to smash, to kill,
to fight, to destroy?
What makes that killer instinct?
I was born with it.
I don't mind telling you
he's being very well
paid for his endeavors.
They gave him an
advance of $1,000.
(whistles rapidly)
Dead to the world.
He's out like a light.
Sleeping like a log.
Really sawing wood.
With his shoes on.
Look, he's hugging
his potato chips.
That's his security blanket.
Wonder how much
work he got done?
Should I take a peek...?
No, no, no, no. I promised
him we wouldn't look.
You didn't look?
Aren't you curious?
It's not nice, Murray.
Felix, I'm a policeman,
we're trained to peek.
"Knockout, by Oscar Madison."
Go ahead.
That's it. That's all there is.
Where's the rest?
There's no rest.
I peeked all over...
"Knockout, by Oscar Madison"?
(loud crash)
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
This is all you wrote?
What's Murray
doing in my bedroom?
Was I mugged?
This is all you wrote?!
I gotta run.
This is all you wrote?!
I like your book so far, Oscar.
This is all your wrote?!
Cut it out. I was up late.
Up late... This is
all you wrote, a title?
The title is very important.
Would you go see a play
called Romeo and Gladys?
I tried, Felix, I tried.
Look at this... 212
pages, that's all I wrote.
You couldn't show
me in the basket?
Oh, I don't want to
talk about it anymore.
All right, we won't
talk about it anymore.
What about your
book? It's due today!
Would you cut it out?
I'm as upset
about it as you are.
Just don't have a
book in me, that's all.
I had such faith.
So did my mother.
All my hopes, all
my expectations,
all my sacrifice.
What sacrifice?
I spent the entire
night in a taxicab
with a driver named
Nunzio Abruzzi...
telling me how Vic Damone
sang at his daughter's wedding.
Thanks, but I don't
want to talk about it.
That's his orange juice... beer.
I don't have to
worry about pits.
All right, Felix, if it will
make you feel any better,
I am ashamed.
I just don't have
it in me, that's all.
Maybe they didn't
give you enough time.
Who could write a book
in the short amount
of time they give you?
Felix, I couldn't write the book
if they gave me
from here to eternity.
Maybe if they gave you an
extension on your deadline.
No, what I need is 50,000 words.
Preferably in sentences.
No, no sugar.
"Of all the words
of tongue or pen,
"the saddest are these...
It might have been."
Is there anything left to say?
Yeah, could you lend me $1,000?
You already owe me over $1,300.
Not mentioning the cab fare
last night and Nunzio's tip.
What do you need it for?
Well, you know
the $1,000 advance
that Harry Thompson
gave me for the book?
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, you... you didn't!
What did you spend it on?
Poker? Girls? Potato chips?
Try slow horses.
Oh, Oscar.
Stop with the Oscar.
If you're not going
to lend me the money,
I gotta go visit Benny.
Benny the loan shark? Yeah.
He charges 184% interest.
Only to his friends.
Felix, I took the money,
I can't write the book,
I got to pay it back.
I don't like to see
my friends fail.
Felix, everybody fails.
Caesar failed, Napoleon failed,
Alexander the Great failed.
They weren't my friends.
They were lucky.
(thick Viennese accent):
Hello, Mr. Thompson?
This is Dr. Abruzzi
from the Institute.
Ja. Well, I understand that
my patient Oscar Madison
is to deliver a manuscript
to you today, is that correct?
Yes or no?
Ja, three days
will be sufficient.
Wunderbar.
I thank you.
Mr. Madison thanks you.
Also the Institute thanks you.
Auf Wiedersehen.
(with Viennese accent):
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!
(laughing): I just
did the craziest thing!
You're on my bed, Felix.
Listen, you don't have to
go see Benny the loan shark.
You going to lend me the money?
No. I called your editor.
I got you an extension
on your deadline.
I used a Viennese accent.
I told... (laughing)
I told him you were sick.
You lied to my
editor in Viennese?
(with Viennese accent): Ja, I said
it was a terrible overwork on you.
Well, aren't you
going to thank me?
Thank you for what? Pain?
Felix, why don't you listen?
I can't write it. "Can't."
That's not the Oscar
Madison I know.
My Oscar Madison doesn't know
the meaning of the word "can't."
What are you talking about?
"Can't" is my favorite word.
I use it all the time. I
can't write the book,
I can't pay back the money,
I can't win on the horses.
When I die on my
tombstone it's going to say,
"Here lies Oscar
Madison... Couldn't."
Come here, look at
yourself in the mirror.
If you can find the mirror.
Look.
Now look at that man,
and tell him that
he's not a quitter.
Won't help. He knows I'm a liar.
Keep looking.
The mirror's a liar, too.
Shoe tree.
I've never seen you like this.
So low,
so depressed, so defeated.
Weren't you at my wedding?
I thought you loved writing.
Felix, no writer loves writing.
Dorothy Parker said
it best for all writers.
She said, "I hate writing,
but loved having written."
I haven't written.
But, look, you've got three
more days, Oscar, gratis.
What have you got to lose?
And you've got something
you never had before.
What's that? Me!
I'll be by your side.
I work with you, I'll nurse you,
I'll baby you, I'll
light your cigars,
I'll change your
typewriter ribbons.
If you fail, I fail.
What do you say?
Here are your potato chips.
Go to work.
Felix, it's a lot of hard
work. What's in it for you?
Nothing.
All I want is the satisfaction of
having helped a human being.
Okay, if you feel
that way, I'll try it.
I knew you would! Okay, I
will. You're making me do it.
And if you feel like it,
you can dedicate the book to me.
Oh, come on, Felix.
I don't have time to think
about things like that.
Of course, I wouldn't
want you to spend a second
thinking about...
that's why I wrote
a little... a little something
here. You wrote something?
It's simple. I
think you'll like it.
"To my pal Felix Unger... without
whose constant encouragement
"and unrelenting sacrifice
this work would not
have been possible."
That's not bad. Okay.
There's more. Listen.
"Felix Unger, a bon vivant
"whose brilliant wit was a
constant source of inspiration
"during the long hours of
indecisiveness and uncertainty,
"and who made
this book a reality.
"Felix Unger, a pal
whose very being
embodies the
meaning of the word pal,
buddy, friend, helper..."
Felix, the dedication
isn't supposed to be
longer than the book.
Let's get to work.
(paper rustling)
(paper rustling)
(quiet snap)
(whispering): Would
you like a piece of fruit?
No, I wouldn't
like a piece of fruit.
Would you like a cup of coffee?
No, I wouldn't like
a cup of coffee.
Coffee's a good stimulant.
Felix, I can't keep working
with these constant
interruptions!
I won't interrupt anymore.
Your, your whispering
is an interruption.
I'm sorry.
Phone ringing all the time.
What are you talk...?
I picked the phone
out of the wall
over an hour ago.
It must be the dripping.
What dripping? My sinuses?
No, the faucet.
In the kitchen.
Drip, drip, drippety,
driving me nuts.
There is no faucet
dripping in my kitchen.
Then somebody in
this apartment house
has a dripping faucet.
Oscar, this house
has sound-proof walls.
Felix, somebody, then,
in the city of New York
has a dripping faucet,
because I can hear it!
This is madness.
This is madness.
Absolute madness.
And must you walk around?
Your shoes squeak!
Then your feet squeak.
Felix, listen.
When I work, the
lit..., the smallest noise
just irritates me.
You won't believe it.
If a guy dropped a pin
ten miles from
here, I would hear it.
(doorbell buzzing) I can't
help it. When I'm working,
my hearing is
acute, it's like radar.
(laughing)
What are you laughing about?
I heard the door. Go answer it.
I'm not going to let anybody in.
Now, get back
to work. All right.
I'm sorry. Oscar's hard at work.
He's working on the book
and it's really coming along.
He's really rolling this time.
Who're you talking to?
Oh, hi, Murray.
Murray, I... I don't want
to be rude, but, uh...
Oscar's really working hard now
and he's got to
make that deadline.
So would you mind
coming back another time?
Oh, Felix?
(muffled talking)
Hey, if you want a
secluded place to work,
he's got a cabin
up in the woods.
Just what I need... a cabin
surrounded by a
hundred other cabins.
(muffled talking)
He says there's nothing
for ten miles around.
It was used as a
hideout by John Dillinger.
No, I don't think...
Oh, that could be great.
A change of atmosphere. Quiet.
The perfect place
to work, Oscar.
I know, but Dillinger.
It sounds dangerous.
(muffled talking)
He says there's no danger.
He thinks the police
arrested Dillinger.
I don't know.
Oh, this could be just
perfect for you, Oscar.
Think it over... A
change of atmosphere.
The quiet, no
phones, no traffic, no...
All right, I'm doing.
So badly here...
We'll pack. You'll see...
(excited conversation)
Wait, Murray.
We'll be right there!
Well, this is it.
It's not much, but...
Are you kidding? I love it.
It's so peaceful and quiet
I can't wait to get
to that typewriter.
Kind of primitive,
I'll tell you that.
A lot of cleaning up
to do here. No, no, no.
When I'm working,
there'll be no cleaning.
I'm sorry, Oscar.
The place is a mess.
It's all... Oh, it's great.
I appreciate all your trouble.
Get back in the
car, go to the city,
I'll see you soon.
All right, don't forget.
I'll be here in three days
to pick you up, okay?
Now, listen. There's the bike.
If you need supplies
from the store,
take the path seven
miles down, okay?
Okay, gotcha. Bye-bye, Murray.
Hey, look, balloon tires.
Aren't you going to
put a tissue on the seat?
When I was in school they
used to call me "Wheels" Unger.
Yeah, wheel
yourself out of here.
Once you know
how to ride a bike,
it's something you never forget.
Yeah, okay.
Why, I haven't had so
much fun since I was a kid.
(bicycle bell ringing)
(crashing)
It went right off the porch,
but I didn't hurt myself.
You're really going to
work now, aren't you?
Oh, I can see that
gleam in your eye.
You're going to
go you're gonna...
Will you get out, Felix?!
I'm on my way.
I'll tell you what.
What? I'll get some firewood.
We'll build a
great, roaring fire.
We'll roast marshmallows...
I'm gonna roast your toes
if you don't get out of
here. I'm on my way.
It's so beautiful here.
"This is the forest primeval.
The murmuring pines
and the hemlock."
Oscar! Oscar!
What? Where's the first aid kit?
It's over there. What's
the matter? What?
Listen, I was just outside.
I was just enjoying nature.
That's all I was doing.
And I saw this
pretty little chipmunk.
He was just a baby, and I said,
"Come here, little chipmunk,
bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee...
That's the way you talk to them?
Yeah. I said, "bee-bee-bee"
and I offered him an acorn.
And he bit me.
I would have bitten you, too.
What's that "bee-bee-bee
bee-bee"? What's that?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You made the beds, you unpacked.
What is this? No,
well, you were right.
The place was filthy.
So's your room at home.
You don't clean that.
Yeah, but I don't share
my room with anybody.
I want to do my
fair share, that's all.
Oh, Oscar, what are you doing?
You're just avoiding wri...
This is all you've
done in two hours?
"What is the killer instinct?"
I'm looking for the answer.
How time flies when
you're procrastinating.
Yeah, you're right, Felix.
You fix your finger.
I'm going to work.
I really am gonna
get it this time.
(typing)
(whistling)
What's the whistle? How can
I work if you're gonna whistle?
(whistles)
Come here and help me.
Do you want me to
scrub up with you?
Now, listen.
I want to talk to you seriously.
I've been thinking
about your problem.
Yeah?
Do you know what you have? What?
You have what they
call writer's block.
No kidding.
Yeah. All the greatest
writers of history
have had writer's block.
Yeah, cut right there. Easy.
No kidding?
But they've all had a trick,
a way to break the block.
George Sand used to sing polkas.
Did you know that?
No, I didn't know that.
Yes. Guy de Maupassant
fantasized about
beautiful girls.
In what way?
In every possible way.
It freed his imagination.
F. Scott Fitzgerald tap danced.
Did any of these guys eat
to break their writing block?
All right. I'm starved.
I'm on my way. I'm
on my way. Watch me.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving.
I'm gonna take the bike.
I'm going to the store.
I'm gonna get supplies.
It'll take me all afternoon.
Now you have no more excuses.
30 pages. Get to work.
30 pages. Believe me.
30 pages. Good-bye, good-bye.
Good-bye, good-bye.
Now, it's a whole
different ballgame.
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪
And I got a barrel of
nothing in my mind.
De Maupassant, De
Maupassant, (muttering)
I'll never get any
work done this way.
Let me see.
Oh... yeah.
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Okay.
Here we go.
"Puttin' on my top hat,
tyin' on my white tie,
Brushin' off my..."
(crashing, bicycle bell ringing)
Felix, did you get the food?
Ow... What'd you
do, wreck the bike?
No, I wrecked my back.
Ooh. Let me help
you, let me help.
I'm all right. Now, you
just get back to work.
That's all that counts.
Well, you look like you're
in bad shape, Felix. My
condition doesn't count, Oscar.
The book is the only thing.
Oh, Oscar, I'm a broken man.
Here, you lie down. Lie down.
I'll go down to the store,
and I'll get some help.
There's no one at the
store. I was just there.
The store is closed.
Closed? Since when?
Since they captured Dillinger.
He was their only customer.
(groans)
Tell me what happened, Wheels.
I swerved to miss a
rabbit and I hit a tree.
You hit a tree
because of a rabbit?
It could have been an
endangered species.
A rabbit an endangered species.
Don't argue with
me at a time like this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And that's not the worst of it.
Look at this thumb.
While I lay there
against the tree,
the rabbit came up to me,
so I reached out to pet
him, and he snapped at me.
Maybe the chipmunk told
him you were delicious.
(whistles)
Oh, again with the
brave whistling?
I'm hungry, Felix.
Get back to your typewriter.
I'll... I'll fix
this in no time.
I've got Unger toughness in me.
I'm going to fix you a dinner.
Good. Here.
What do you got? I
thought the store was closed.
Oh, I've got a
pocket full of acorns.
And the woods,
the woods are full
of nuts and berries.
Who wants nuts and berries?
I can't live on
that. I need meat.
Are you kidding?
The local Indians subsisted
on nuts and berries.
That's why we haven't
seen any local Indians.
Well, your chipmunk
and your rabbit
could have meat, so could I.
What is that...
nuts and berries?
Right here.
What have you got there?
That's a boom-boom-boom
for bee-bee-bee-bee.
Where'd you find that?
I found it here earlier,
while I was procrastinating.
Oscar, we're not hunters.
Speak for yourself,
John. I need meat.
No, no. I can't let you do this.
Hunting is wrong.
So is eating shrubbery.
Let go.
Oscar, no. I can't allow this.
(bicycle bell dinging)
Oscar, please.
Oh, now I got a
splinter from the wall.
FELIX: Oscar.
(bicycle bell dinging)
Oscar, I'm not
going to stand idly by
while you slaughter
defenseless animals, Oscar.
Get out of here, will you?
They're all going
to want ice cream.
I'm so hungry I
could eat... (honking)
Look. Wild geese. What?
Wild geese. They're
coming this way.
No, no, no. Look at this.
No, no! Felix, don't do that.
No, run. Run. Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Go, go. Duck, geese.
"Duck, geese"?
All right, they're leaving.
You happy now? Yes.
At least I spared them.
(nose honking)
I spared them the depredations
of a ruthless killer.
(snorts, honks)
They're coming
back. Keep honking.
You're calling them back.
Keep honking, Felix.
They're coming back.
Keep honking, keep honking. No!
It's a trap. I'm a
decoy. Go away.
Why didn't you shoot?
I couldn't.
I'm not a killer.
Well, I'm proud of you.
Ah, I'm a coward.
No, you're not.
You're the bravest of the brave.
If I'm so brave, how
come there aren't
a lot of dead geese around?
Because it takes
much more courage
not to kill than to kill.
Yeah?
Compassion is the
most difficult thing
for the human heart to learn.
Killing is easy.
Felix, that's it.
Of course that's it.
No, I mean about the novel.
That's why I haven't
been able to write it.
I've been trying to write it
from the killer's point of view,
but I don't have
the killer's instinct.
But if I do it from
the other side...
Nobody's ever done that before.
It's never been...
That's marvelous.
I can write it now!
Oh... oh, great. Oh, great.
(frog croaks)
Well, hello, little frog.
Hello.
Hello, little frog. Hello.
Ouch!
(rapid typing)
I did it.
I actually did it.
I wrote a book.
A whole book.
I can't believe it.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
I hope I'm not too early.
You kidding? You
timed it perfectly.
Hey, I hope you're
going to buy my book.
Oh, sure.
Hey, how soon before it
comes out in paperback?
Thanks a lot.
Well, I think we got everything.
Yeah. Where's Felix?
Saying good-bye to his
furry, feathered friends.
Oh, I'll bet he really
had a ball up here, heh?
Uh, not really.
Why? What's the matter?
Well, he found out it's not nice
to fool with Mother Nature.
Hey, I'll take the bags. Okay.
Hey, Murray. I saw your car.
I'm taking the bags to the car.
Aw... I finished.
Boy, am I proud of you.
I can't tell you how
much I appreciate
all the things you did.
Did you, uh... did you
write the dedication?
Of course I did.
I got it right
here. There it is.
"This book is dedicated to
one of nature's noblest men,
who helped me when
I needed him most,
my friend, Murray the cop."
FELIX: You dedicated
the book to Murray?
Ooh, I forgot the typewriter.
Oh, Oscar, how could
you do a thing like that?
Oh, I was only kidding.
Here's the real dedication.
"This book is humbly dedicated
to my dearest
friend, Felix Unger,
who had more faith in
me than I had in myself."
You know, I think you might
have added one more thing.
The man who taught me
not only faith, but courage.
A man, who when
savagely attacked
in an unprovoked and
ungrateful way by a wild animal...
A wild animal? A
chipmunk was a wild animal?
Never complained,
never shouted out.
(overlapping conversation)
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Good morning, Felix.
Refill.
What's Oscar doing
sleeping on the couch? Shh.
He was up all night
working on a book.
What's he reading?
He's writing the book.
A whole book?
Mark my words, Murray,
there is greatness in that man.
You really think so, Felix?
If I didn't think so,
would I have let him
have the apartment
to himself all last night?
Why?
So he can write.
I honk in my sleep, see?
So I spent the whole
night in a taxicab
riding around town.
What's Oscar's book about?
Sports, of course.
It examines the question
of the killer instinct
in champions.
Why does one man...
With all the natural
ability in the world...
Why is he a mild, passive man?
While another man
with only the same ability
has that savage desire
to smash, to kill,
to fight, to destroy?
What makes that killer instinct?
I was born with it.
I don't mind telling you
he's being very well
paid for his endeavors.
They gave him an
advance of $1,000.
(whistles rapidly)
Dead to the world.
He's out like a light.
Sleeping like a log.
Really sawing wood.
With his shoes on.
Look, he's hugging
his potato chips.
That's his security blanket.
Wonder how much
work he got done?
Should I take a peek...?
No, no, no, no. I promised
him we wouldn't look.
You didn't look?
Aren't you curious?
It's not nice, Murray.
Felix, I'm a policeman,
we're trained to peek.
"Knockout, by Oscar Madison."
Go ahead.
That's it. That's all there is.
Where's the rest?
There's no rest.
I peeked all over...
"Knockout, by Oscar Madison"?
(loud crash)
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
from his place of residence.
That request came from his wife.
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
With nowhere else to go,
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
Several years earlier,
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
requesting that he never return.
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
without driving
each other crazy?
♪ ♪
This is all you wrote?
What's Murray
doing in my bedroom?
Was I mugged?
This is all you wrote?!
I gotta run.
This is all you wrote?!
I like your book so far, Oscar.
This is all your wrote?!
Cut it out. I was up late.
Up late... This is
all you wrote, a title?
The title is very important.
Would you go see a play
called Romeo and Gladys?
I tried, Felix, I tried.
Look at this... 212
pages, that's all I wrote.
You couldn't show
me in the basket?
Oh, I don't want to
talk about it anymore.
All right, we won't
talk about it anymore.
What about your
book? It's due today!
Would you cut it out?
I'm as upset
about it as you are.
Just don't have a
book in me, that's all.
I had such faith.
So did my mother.
All my hopes, all
my expectations,
all my sacrifice.
What sacrifice?
I spent the entire
night in a taxicab
with a driver named
Nunzio Abruzzi...
telling me how Vic Damone
sang at his daughter's wedding.
Thanks, but I don't
want to talk about it.
That's his orange juice... beer.
I don't have to
worry about pits.
All right, Felix, if it will
make you feel any better,
I am ashamed.
I just don't have
it in me, that's all.
Maybe they didn't
give you enough time.
Who could write a book
in the short amount
of time they give you?
Felix, I couldn't write the book
if they gave me
from here to eternity.
Maybe if they gave you an
extension on your deadline.
No, what I need is 50,000 words.
Preferably in sentences.
No, no sugar.
"Of all the words
of tongue or pen,
"the saddest are these...
It might have been."
Is there anything left to say?
Yeah, could you lend me $1,000?
You already owe me over $1,300.
Not mentioning the cab fare
last night and Nunzio's tip.
What do you need it for?
Well, you know
the $1,000 advance
that Harry Thompson
gave me for the book?
Oh, no, you didn't.
Oh, you... you didn't!
What did you spend it on?
Poker? Girls? Potato chips?
Try slow horses.
Oh, Oscar.
Stop with the Oscar.
If you're not going
to lend me the money,
I gotta go visit Benny.
Benny the loan shark? Yeah.
He charges 184% interest.
Only to his friends.
Felix, I took the money,
I can't write the book,
I got to pay it back.
I don't like to see
my friends fail.
Felix, everybody fails.
Caesar failed, Napoleon failed,
Alexander the Great failed.
They weren't my friends.
They were lucky.
(thick Viennese accent):
Hello, Mr. Thompson?
This is Dr. Abruzzi
from the Institute.
Ja. Well, I understand that
my patient Oscar Madison
is to deliver a manuscript
to you today, is that correct?
Yes or no?
Ja, three days
will be sufficient.
Wunderbar.
I thank you.
Mr. Madison thanks you.
Also the Institute thanks you.
Auf Wiedersehen.
(with Viennese accent):
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!
(laughing): I just
did the craziest thing!
You're on my bed, Felix.
Listen, you don't have to
go see Benny the loan shark.
You going to lend me the money?
No. I called your editor.
I got you an extension
on your deadline.
I used a Viennese accent.
I told... (laughing)
I told him you were sick.
You lied to my
editor in Viennese?
(with Viennese accent): Ja, I said
it was a terrible overwork on you.
Well, aren't you
going to thank me?
Thank you for what? Pain?
Felix, why don't you listen?
I can't write it. "Can't."
That's not the Oscar
Madison I know.
My Oscar Madison doesn't know
the meaning of the word "can't."
What are you talking about?
"Can't" is my favorite word.
I use it all the time. I
can't write the book,
I can't pay back the money,
I can't win on the horses.
When I die on my
tombstone it's going to say,
"Here lies Oscar
Madison... Couldn't."
Come here, look at
yourself in the mirror.
If you can find the mirror.
Look.
Now look at that man,
and tell him that
he's not a quitter.
Won't help. He knows I'm a liar.
Keep looking.
The mirror's a liar, too.
Shoe tree.
I've never seen you like this.
So low,
so depressed, so defeated.
Weren't you at my wedding?
I thought you loved writing.
Felix, no writer loves writing.
Dorothy Parker said
it best for all writers.
She said, "I hate writing,
but loved having written."
I haven't written.
But, look, you've got three
more days, Oscar, gratis.
What have you got to lose?
And you've got something
you never had before.
What's that? Me!
I'll be by your side.
I work with you, I'll nurse you,
I'll baby you, I'll
light your cigars,
I'll change your
typewriter ribbons.
If you fail, I fail.
What do you say?
Here are your potato chips.
Go to work.
Felix, it's a lot of hard
work. What's in it for you?
Nothing.
All I want is the satisfaction of
having helped a human being.
Okay, if you feel
that way, I'll try it.
I knew you would! Okay, I
will. You're making me do it.
And if you feel like it,
you can dedicate the book to me.
Oh, come on, Felix.
I don't have time to think
about things like that.
Of course, I wouldn't
want you to spend a second
thinking about...
that's why I wrote
a little... a little something
here. You wrote something?
It's simple. I
think you'll like it.
"To my pal Felix Unger... without
whose constant encouragement
"and unrelenting sacrifice
this work would not
have been possible."
That's not bad. Okay.
There's more. Listen.
"Felix Unger, a bon vivant
"whose brilliant wit was a
constant source of inspiration
"during the long hours of
indecisiveness and uncertainty,
"and who made
this book a reality.
"Felix Unger, a pal
whose very being
embodies the
meaning of the word pal,
buddy, friend, helper..."
Felix, the dedication
isn't supposed to be
longer than the book.
Let's get to work.
(paper rustling)
(paper rustling)
(quiet snap)
(whispering): Would
you like a piece of fruit?
No, I wouldn't
like a piece of fruit.
Would you like a cup of coffee?
No, I wouldn't like
a cup of coffee.
Coffee's a good stimulant.
Felix, I can't keep working
with these constant
interruptions!
I won't interrupt anymore.
Your, your whispering
is an interruption.
I'm sorry.
Phone ringing all the time.
What are you talk...?
I picked the phone
out of the wall
over an hour ago.
It must be the dripping.
What dripping? My sinuses?
No, the faucet.
In the kitchen.
Drip, drip, drippety,
driving me nuts.
There is no faucet
dripping in my kitchen.
Then somebody in
this apartment house
has a dripping faucet.
Oscar, this house
has sound-proof walls.
Felix, somebody, then,
in the city of New York
has a dripping faucet,
because I can hear it!
This is madness.
This is madness.
Absolute madness.
And must you walk around?
Your shoes squeak!
Then your feet squeak.
Felix, listen.
When I work, the
lit..., the smallest noise
just irritates me.
You won't believe it.
If a guy dropped a pin
ten miles from
here, I would hear it.
(doorbell buzzing) I can't
help it. When I'm working,
my hearing is
acute, it's like radar.
(laughing)
What are you laughing about?
I heard the door. Go answer it.
I'm not going to let anybody in.
Now, get back
to work. All right.
I'm sorry. Oscar's hard at work.
He's working on the book
and it's really coming along.
He's really rolling this time.
Who're you talking to?
Oh, hi, Murray.
Murray, I... I don't want
to be rude, but, uh...
Oscar's really working hard now
and he's got to
make that deadline.
So would you mind
coming back another time?
Oh, Felix?
(muffled talking)
Hey, if you want a
secluded place to work,
he's got a cabin
up in the woods.
Just what I need... a cabin
surrounded by a
hundred other cabins.
(muffled talking)
He says there's nothing
for ten miles around.
It was used as a
hideout by John Dillinger.
No, I don't think...
Oh, that could be great.
A change of atmosphere. Quiet.
The perfect place
to work, Oscar.
I know, but Dillinger.
It sounds dangerous.
(muffled talking)
He says there's no danger.
He thinks the police
arrested Dillinger.
I don't know.
Oh, this could be just
perfect for you, Oscar.
Think it over... A
change of atmosphere.
The quiet, no
phones, no traffic, no...
All right, I'm doing.
So badly here...
We'll pack. You'll see...
(excited conversation)
Wait, Murray.
We'll be right there!
Well, this is it.
It's not much, but...
Are you kidding? I love it.
It's so peaceful and quiet
I can't wait to get
to that typewriter.
Kind of primitive,
I'll tell you that.
A lot of cleaning up
to do here. No, no, no.
When I'm working,
there'll be no cleaning.
I'm sorry, Oscar.
The place is a mess.
It's all... Oh, it's great.
I appreciate all your trouble.
Get back in the
car, go to the city,
I'll see you soon.
All right, don't forget.
I'll be here in three days
to pick you up, okay?
Now, listen. There's the bike.
If you need supplies
from the store,
take the path seven
miles down, okay?
Okay, gotcha. Bye-bye, Murray.
Hey, look, balloon tires.
Aren't you going to
put a tissue on the seat?
When I was in school they
used to call me "Wheels" Unger.
Yeah, wheel
yourself out of here.
Once you know
how to ride a bike,
it's something you never forget.
Yeah, okay.
Why, I haven't had so
much fun since I was a kid.
(bicycle bell ringing)
(crashing)
It went right off the porch,
but I didn't hurt myself.
You're really going to
work now, aren't you?
Oh, I can see that
gleam in your eye.
You're going to
go you're gonna...
Will you get out, Felix?!
I'm on my way.
I'll tell you what.
What? I'll get some firewood.
We'll build a
great, roaring fire.
We'll roast marshmallows...
I'm gonna roast your toes
if you don't get out of
here. I'm on my way.
It's so beautiful here.
"This is the forest primeval.
The murmuring pines
and the hemlock."
Oscar! Oscar!
What? Where's the first aid kit?
It's over there. What's
the matter? What?
Listen, I was just outside.
I was just enjoying nature.
That's all I was doing.
And I saw this
pretty little chipmunk.
He was just a baby, and I said,
"Come here, little chipmunk,
bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee...
That's the way you talk to them?
Yeah. I said, "bee-bee-bee"
and I offered him an acorn.
And he bit me.
I would have bitten you, too.
What's that "bee-bee-bee
bee-bee"? What's that?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You made the beds, you unpacked.
What is this? No,
well, you were right.
The place was filthy.
So's your room at home.
You don't clean that.
Yeah, but I don't share
my room with anybody.
I want to do my
fair share, that's all.
Oh, Oscar, what are you doing?
You're just avoiding wri...
This is all you've
done in two hours?
"What is the killer instinct?"
I'm looking for the answer.
How time flies when
you're procrastinating.
Yeah, you're right, Felix.
You fix your finger.
I'm going to work.
I really am gonna
get it this time.
(typing)
(whistling)
What's the whistle? How can
I work if you're gonna whistle?
(whistles)
Come here and help me.
Do you want me to
scrub up with you?
Now, listen.
I want to talk to you seriously.
I've been thinking
about your problem.
Yeah?
Do you know what you have? What?
You have what they
call writer's block.
No kidding.
Yeah. All the greatest
writers of history
have had writer's block.
Yeah, cut right there. Easy.
No kidding?
But they've all had a trick,
a way to break the block.
George Sand used to sing polkas.
Did you know that?
No, I didn't know that.
Yes. Guy de Maupassant
fantasized about
beautiful girls.
In what way?
In every possible way.
It freed his imagination.
F. Scott Fitzgerald tap danced.
Did any of these guys eat
to break their writing block?
All right. I'm starved.
I'm on my way. I'm
on my way. Watch me.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving.
I'm gonna take the bike.
I'm going to the store.
I'm gonna get supplies.
It'll take me all afternoon.
Now you have no more excuses.
30 pages. Get to work.
30 pages. Believe me.
30 pages. Good-bye, good-bye.
Good-bye, good-bye.
Now, it's a whole
different ballgame.
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
♪ Roll out the barrel... ♪
And I got a barrel of
nothing in my mind.
De Maupassant, De
Maupassant, (muttering)
I'll never get any
work done this way.
Let me see.
Oh... yeah.
F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Okay.
Here we go.
"Puttin' on my top hat,
tyin' on my white tie,
Brushin' off my..."
(crashing, bicycle bell ringing)
Felix, did you get the food?
Ow... What'd you
do, wreck the bike?
No, I wrecked my back.
Ooh. Let me help
you, let me help.
I'm all right. Now, you
just get back to work.
That's all that counts.
Well, you look like you're
in bad shape, Felix. My
condition doesn't count, Oscar.
The book is the only thing.
Oh, Oscar, I'm a broken man.
Here, you lie down. Lie down.
I'll go down to the store,
and I'll get some help.
There's no one at the
store. I was just there.
The store is closed.
Closed? Since when?
Since they captured Dillinger.
He was their only customer.
(groans)
Tell me what happened, Wheels.
I swerved to miss a
rabbit and I hit a tree.
You hit a tree
because of a rabbit?
It could have been an
endangered species.
A rabbit an endangered species.
Don't argue with
me at a time like this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And that's not the worst of it.
Look at this thumb.
While I lay there
against the tree,
the rabbit came up to me,
so I reached out to pet
him, and he snapped at me.
Maybe the chipmunk told
him you were delicious.
(whistles)
Oh, again with the
brave whistling?
I'm hungry, Felix.
Get back to your typewriter.
I'll... I'll fix
this in no time.
I've got Unger toughness in me.
I'm going to fix you a dinner.
Good. Here.
What do you got? I
thought the store was closed.
Oh, I've got a
pocket full of acorns.
And the woods,
the woods are full
of nuts and berries.
Who wants nuts and berries?
I can't live on
that. I need meat.
Are you kidding?
The local Indians subsisted
on nuts and berries.
That's why we haven't
seen any local Indians.
Well, your chipmunk
and your rabbit
could have meat, so could I.
What is that...
nuts and berries?
Right here.
What have you got there?
That's a boom-boom-boom
for bee-bee-bee-bee.
Where'd you find that?
I found it here earlier,
while I was procrastinating.
Oscar, we're not hunters.
Speak for yourself,
John. I need meat.
No, no. I can't let you do this.
Hunting is wrong.
So is eating shrubbery.
Let go.
Oscar, no. I can't allow this.
(bicycle bell dinging)
Oscar, please.
Oh, now I got a
splinter from the wall.
FELIX: Oscar.
(bicycle bell dinging)
Oscar, I'm not
going to stand idly by
while you slaughter
defenseless animals, Oscar.
Get out of here, will you?
They're all going
to want ice cream.
I'm so hungry I
could eat... (honking)
Look. Wild geese. What?
Wild geese. They're
coming this way.
No, no, no. Look at this.
No, no! Felix, don't do that.
No, run. Run. Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Go, go. Duck, geese.
"Duck, geese"?
All right, they're leaving.
You happy now? Yes.
At least I spared them.
(nose honking)
I spared them the depredations
of a ruthless killer.
(snorts, honks)
They're coming
back. Keep honking.
You're calling them back.
Keep honking, Felix.
They're coming back.
Keep honking, keep honking. No!
It's a trap. I'm a
decoy. Go away.
Why didn't you shoot?
I couldn't.
I'm not a killer.
Well, I'm proud of you.
Ah, I'm a coward.
No, you're not.
You're the bravest of the brave.
If I'm so brave, how
come there aren't
a lot of dead geese around?
Because it takes
much more courage
not to kill than to kill.
Yeah?
Compassion is the
most difficult thing
for the human heart to learn.
Killing is easy.
Felix, that's it.
Of course that's it.
No, I mean about the novel.
That's why I haven't
been able to write it.
I've been trying to write it
from the killer's point of view,
but I don't have
the killer's instinct.
But if I do it from
the other side...
Nobody's ever done that before.
It's never been...
That's marvelous.
I can write it now!
Oh... oh, great. Oh, great.
(frog croaks)
Well, hello, little frog.
Hello.
Hello, little frog. Hello.
Ouch!
(rapid typing)
I did it.
I actually did it.
I wrote a book.
A whole book.
I can't believe it.
Hi, Oscar. Hi, Murray.
I hope I'm not too early.
You kidding? You
timed it perfectly.
Hey, I hope you're
going to buy my book.
Oh, sure.
Hey, how soon before it
comes out in paperback?
Thanks a lot.
Well, I think we got everything.
Yeah. Where's Felix?
Saying good-bye to his
furry, feathered friends.
Oh, I'll bet he really
had a ball up here, heh?
Uh, not really.
Why? What's the matter?
Well, he found out it's not nice
to fool with Mother Nature.
Hey, I'll take the bags. Okay.
Hey, Murray. I saw your car.
I'm taking the bags to the car.
Aw... I finished.
Boy, am I proud of you.
I can't tell you how
much I appreciate
all the things you did.
Did you, uh... did you
write the dedication?
Of course I did.
I got it right
here. There it is.
"This book is dedicated to
one of nature's noblest men,
who helped me when
I needed him most,
my friend, Murray the cop."
FELIX: You dedicated
the book to Murray?
Ooh, I forgot the typewriter.
Oh, Oscar, how could
you do a thing like that?
Oh, I was only kidding.
Here's the real dedication.
"This book is humbly dedicated
to my dearest
friend, Felix Unger,
who had more faith in
me than I had in myself."
You know, I think you might
have added one more thing.
The man who taught me
not only faith, but courage.
A man, who when
savagely attacked
in an unprovoked and
ungrateful way by a wild animal...
A wild animal? A
chipmunk was a wild animal?
Never complained,
never shouted out.
(overlapping conversation)
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.