The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Odd Monks - full transcript

Here, Myrna. Take it down to
the paper right away, will you?

I got to rest a little bit. I got
to cover the hockey game.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy?

Is that ulcer hurting "Oh, boy"?

Feels like I swallowed
the Middle East.

Are you going to have
dinner, or is that it?

Felix will be home soon.
He'll fix me something.

Go, will you? Bring it down.

You know Milt Dubin
down at the paper?

He died last week.

I didn't know.



Will you go already, Myrna?

He was the obituary columnist.

Myrna, they're waiting.

Keeled over in the
middle of writing up

somebody else's death.

They're waiting already!

A complete stranger had
to write up his obituary.

You going to go?

I'm going.

You really ought
to slow down, Mr. M.

I'd hate for anything
to happen to you.

Nobody else would hire me.

Oh, hi, Mr. Unger.

You look terrible.



Bye, Mr. Unger.

Hi, Felix. Listen, I
got to cover a game.

Make supper right
away, will you?

Oscar, I can't move.

Every bone in my body aches.

Even my earlobes ache.

I know how you feel.

Oh... nobody knows.

Eleven hours today.

I photographed little
children eating breakfast food.

One tiny tyke
drooled on my ankle.

A heavyset kid rammed
his tow truck into my shin.

And an angel-faced little girl
made sissy in my camera bag.

Success has a hollow ring.

My stomach has a hollow ring.

Will you make supper already?

Oh, Oscar, I can't
even think about supper.

(doorbell buzzes)

Get that, will you?

Sure. Come in!

It would take a miracle
to get me off this couch.

Hello, my sons.

On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he
knew she was right,

but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier,

Madison's wife
had thrown him out,

requesting that he never return.

Can two divorced
men share an apartment

without driving
each other crazy?

I'm Brother Ralph.

I'm collecting for the
Brotherhood of Life Mission.

I gave at the office.

I'll just take a moment.

Once a year, the
Brotherhood of Life

goes around collecting
for our mission

in upstate New York.

Looks like a nice,
clean mission.

Looks like the Alamo.

We're a nonsectarian group

devoted to the
simpler things in life.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll donate ten dollars

if you'll make me a
simple hamburger.

Oh, Oscar, this is a man...

I'll make supper.

I'd be glad to make
him something.

You're both exhausted
from your quests

in the world out there.

It's the least I can do.

You would make him a hamburger?

For a ten-dollar donation, I'd
make him chicken cacciatore.

Tell you what. Listen.
I like mustard, ketchup,

Tabasco sauce, and some chili.

No onions?

No. I got an ulcer.

I got to run.

Oh, Oscar. Did
you ever, in your life,

see anyone with an
ulcer eat like that?

Yes. Me. Worse.

Your stomach is
worth more than that.

Oscar, you hear? Slow down!

Felix, the man is a monk.

What does he know about
deadlines and taxes and alimony?

Here's my donation. Thanks.

If you ever want to
go into society again,

you can get a job as a short-order
cook. You'd be very good.

There was a little too
much Tabasco sauce.

I had a regular job.

I was head of the Decker
Advertising Agency.

I had 1100 men under me.

You're Ralph Decker!

I did an ad for you
once! Remember?

The talking bra?

Yes, yes.

Gave it all up.

One day, I looked
out my office window,

and I saw a bluebird.

All I wanted to do in the world

was look at that bluebird.

I had a headache,
my eye twitched,

I smoked five packs
of cigarettes a day.

Every light on my phone was lit.

I answered them:
one! two! three!

And, when I was done,
the bluebird had vanished.

That day, I packed up

for the Brotherhood of
Life for a month's retreat.

That was ten years ago.

You just quit.

Said good-bye
to the talking bra.

Well, I have some
more stops to make.

Here. A little something
from the Felix Unger Studios:

portraits a specialty.

Oh, bless you, bless you.

And remember our brochure.

You may like to come up
and spend some time with us.

I still can't get over

that you came in here
and cooked our dinner.

Well, the Lord travels
in mysterious ways.

Why not through hamburger?

Be well.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Did you see my blue tie, Felix?

Blue tie. You see it?

Where were you
working last? Desk.

That's where it's got
to be... at the desk.

Oh, you're right.

I used it to clean
my typewriter.

(phone rings)

It's for you.

Hello. Yeah. Yes.
Yes, Mr. Topskin! Yes!

Oh, yeah, we put in a
good day's work today.

Yes, I love working
with the little people.

Sure. Yeah.

Well, I'll have the proofs on
your desk by noon tomorrow.

8:00 in the morning?
Well, that... that's outra...

Come on. I'll
have to work all...

Well, of course I want the job.

Yes, you'll have them
by 8:00 in the morning.

Good-bye, Mister...
Oscar, can you imagine?

Oscar! Hey! Hey!

Now they want this job finished

by 8:00 in the morning!

Can you imagine that?

Means I'll have
to work all night!

Take a pep pill.
That's all I can do.

After that, I'll take
a sleeping pill!

(both talking excitedly
over each other)

I'll take a diet pill.

What else can I do?

(nose honking)

How the hell they...?

Stop! What's the matter?

Look at us!

We're running
around like lunatics.

We're losing our bluebird.

Out of my way, Felix. I'm late!

Oscar, I've made a decision.

Tonight, you can find
me at Brother Ralph's,

seeking contentment.

Tonight, you can find me
at Rhoda Zimmerman's,

seeking contentment.

(birds chirping happily)

And now, gentlemen,

for the next step
in our orientation,

Brother Lou will call your name

and distribute your robes.

Once in your robe,

you'll be referred
to as Brother.

BROTHER LOU: Tucker, H.

(loudly): Yes! I come here once a
year to get away from my factory!

What do you make? Megaphones!

My company is the largest
manufacturer of megaphones

in the whole country!

You know the majority
of your "sis-boom-bah's"

and your "rah-rah-rah's"
are shouted

through Millman megaphones?

How nice.

Millman, S.

Here!

See you later. Cheers!

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do? Unger, Felix.

My name is now Brother Lowell.

Brother Lowell. What
business are you in?

I'm in shoes.

Ah! Manufacturing?

No. Shining.

I have a shoeshine
stand in Yonkers.

Really?

Yes. Some of us
still do it, you know.

Ah.

Unger, F.

Excuse me. I'm Unger, F.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I
ask you a question?

What is it, Unger, F.?

What do we wear
underneath these?

It doesn't matter. Nobody peeks.

No wonder it took them
so long to copy the Bible.

Oh. Hello.

Everything all
right, Brother Felix?

Yes. Yes. I was just
writing a postcard.

I had the most wonderful
day today, Brother Ralph.

I stared at my
hand for two hours.

I had forgotten the
beauty of my hand.

Very good.

Well, if you want
anything at all, just abstain.

Remember, your
inner self is you.

How true.

How true.

Hmm.

Actually, my foot is just
as interesting as my hand.

This little piggie
went to market.

This little piggie went home.

This little piggie...

Brother Oscar.

So this is it, eh?

Yeah.

What's the matter?
No room at the inn?

Oh, Oscar, don't be a heathen.

Well, what happened?
What changed you?

What brought you here?
Did you see a vision?

No, I saw the
X-ray of my ulcers.

The doctor said either
I take a short rest now,

or I take a long
rest permanently.

Oh, boy. Not a very
spiritual reason, is it?

But you're going to have

the most marvelous
experience here.

Oscar, do you know
what I did today?

I stared at my
hand all day long.

The hand is an amazing
instrument, Oscar.

Each finger can
move individually.

Or they can move in unison.

Or in any combination.

Look. The thumb can
move with the pinky.

Or the forefinger
with the thumb.

Or with the pinky, or
in any combination.

You better cut it out.

You won't be able
to use any fingers.

Mock if you will,
Oscar, but you'll find out

that contemplating your
hand can be very rewarding.

Yeah, only if it's
holding a can of beer.

Oscar, will you stop that?!

It's time to go
to bed... it's 8:00.

8:00 already?

Gee, I'll have to take a
nap tomorrow morning.

Isn't there anything
to read? No.

Felix, I can't go to
sleep without reading.

No magazines in
the Brother John?

Good night, my fellow man.

I, too, am used to reading
before I go to sleep,

but here we meditate and sleep.

You don't understand, Felix.

I can't go to sleep
unless I read.

What are you doing?

Reading my toothpaste tube.

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I read it when
you're finished?

BROTHER RALPH: As a
special part of our midweek dinner

we ask each brother to share

some moment of his
meditation with all of us.

Brother Samuel, will you begin?

(loud): I stared
at a flower today!

(normal tone): I
stared at a flower today.

I don't think I've ever really
looked at a flower before,

but it was so beautiful.

I talked to the flower.

And all its petals blew off.

Thank you.

Uh, Brother Horace.

Oh, I didn't meditate, per se.

I worked in the carpentry shop.

I'm in the military...
and I've made decisions

that have changed history
and won battles, per se,

but I have never known

the sense of accomplishment
that I felt today

when I requisitioned
some pieces of wood

and made one
small house, bird...

with these hands.

Would you care to inspect it?

May I?

Oh! Mmm...

Oscar, look... look.
See the little door?

And inside there's
a place for water.

I don't want to see it.

Oh, but the man
worked so hard at it.

Oh, come on. Who wants
to look at a G.I. birdhouse?

Brother Felix, would you
share your revelations with us?

Gladly.

Today... I watched
an anthill for five hours.

Can I look at the birdhouse?

Brother Felix has the
floor and our attention.

As I watched the ants,
I saw that one little ant

was having trouble
carrying his load.

The other ants
carried theirs with ease,

scurrying to and fro,

but this one little fellow
couldn't handle his.

I was rooting for him.

I always root for the under-ant.

Well...

he tugged and he
pulled and he pushed,

but he just couldn't do it,

and finally he shrugged
his shoulders and... gave up.

But the other ants did not
abandon their little friend.

They rushed to his side
and carried his crumb.

I thought that I, too,

should help my fellow
man carry his load.

Amen.

Here, here, Brother.

BROTHER RALPH: Brother Lowell?

Well, I just laid all day on
my cot, with eyes closed.

And he's the social director.

Brother Oscar.

Oh, I don't have
anything to say, sir.

Don't be embarrassed.

Surely there must be something

that's been on your
mind these past few days.

Boy, do I miss Rhoda Zimmerman.

Yes. Well, uh, it's a start.

And now I see by the old
shadow on the floor that...

it's time for unsupervised
communication.

Another interesting
thing about the ant...

Again with the ant?!

Brothers, let me tell you
my most inner thoughts.

I am bored. And I am going
to take these sugar cubes,

and I am going to
make them into dice.

Anybody who wants
a spiritual uplift,

it will be floating in my room!

This is blasphemy!

Blasphemy! What
are you talking about?

The Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh.

We're just gonna
find out how mucheth.

I'm glad to see that all of
you have enough sense

not to follow that pagan.

Forget my ant.

I'd like to tell you
my impressions

of some clouds I saw today.

Clouds that looked like flowers.

Clouds that looked like animals.

And one cloud that looked
like a chicken salad sandwich.

And though I know
it sounds clichéd,

I actually saw the oft-mentioned

cloud with a silver lining.

We don't have any money.

I'll write it on the parchment.

We'll play for "I.O.
Thou's," okay?

You! are the world's worst monk!

What are you talking about?

We're just going
to have some fun.

Fun, yes. Fun, all
right, but not like this.

All right, if you have to
have some excitement,

I'll tell you the big secret.

What?

Brother Lou accidentally
let it slip today.

What? It's a biggie.

What is it?!

Tomorrow...

we all get to take a
ride on the donkey.

Why don't you go back to
looking at your hand, see?

See if you can get your
fingers to move in unison.

See, you have them
close and make a fist.

Then punch
yourself in the mouth.

Brother Oscar,
examine your psyche.

Oh, go examine an
ant hill or something.

Let her roll!

Nine! The loudmouth's
point is nine.

All right, come on, baby!

Brother needs a
new pair of sandals!

Psst, psst. Brother Ralph.

Eat the dice! Eat the dice!

I can't. I'm diabetic.

What have we here?
A mass meditation?

I had to report you,
brothers, for your own good.

I'm sorry. It was my fault.

I started the game.
I was going crazy.

Would you please
all go to your cells?

Brother Oscar,
this is your cell.

We have to have
certain rules here

so that all can experience
what they came for.

Part of our goal here is
to create an atmosphere

where each man can
meditate undisturbed

by another man.
I know. I'm sorry.

I guess I just
don't fit in here.

Look, I'll pack and I'll leave.

I think you'd benefit
more by serving penance.

Each brother took a
vow to stay a week.

I'd hate to see
you break that vow.

I think penance would do you

a world of good, Brother Oscar.

You're not a vow-breaker.

Okay. I'll serve penance, then.

Naturally you'll serve a
penance, too, Brother Felix.

Me? But why? I...

I know you weren't
indulging in the game,

but here we also frown on
men turning in their fellow man.

It's an unwritten commandment...

Thou shalt not fink.

Brother Lou is our
penance director.

Hmm. Brother Lou?

Hmm.

They will get up at
4:00 a.m. tomorrow

and bake the bread.

They will be
silent for 24 hours.

Three marks on the slate
for speaking and you fail.

Well, we'll get
the slates, then.

Not a very stiff penance.

Yeah, but you'll fail.

You can't keep your big
mouth shut for 24 hours.

Go finking on your fellow man!

All right. I sinned once.

But I think I can keep silent

better than a weak-willed,
fun-crazed person I know.

Boy, I'm going to
get even with you.

I'm gonna make you speak.

Oh, is that, is that
your challenge,

Brother Madison,
monk of the messy?

Yes, Brother Unger,
saint of the stool pigeons!

Brother Lou will be
in listening distance

at all times.

Remember, three
marks and that's it.

Your silence begins now.

Good night.

Good night.

All right. The gambler
here, and the fink there.

And remember... no talking.

The blob!

(loud clanging)

Why don't you bake your stomach?

(sneezes) Gesundheit.

It's a tie ball game.

Look out! That's hot!

I'm the one who talked.

Thank you, Oscar.

And that's three.

Well, that was quick.

We'll pack our things
and leave, Brother Ralph.

We're... we're deeply ashamed.

Why are you leaving?

Well, isn't that the
punishment for failing?

No, there is no punishment.

You failed at a task
and were forgiven.

Possibly when you
go back out there

your employees or
friends or loved ones

may fail at something and
you won't be so hard on them.

People do fail, you know.

Well, if the bread's ready,
uh... why don't you wash up?

We'll have breakfast.

Oh, Oscar, what...

what a beautiful
lesson we learned.

What?

We learned the
lesson of forgiveness.

And the Big Man up
there looking down

sees a new Felix
and a new Oscar!

Come on! now, don't
turn into a religious fanatic.

The Big Man up there doesn't
even know Oscar and Felix.

(thunderclap)

Here comes Brother Oscar.

Now remember, he's had no fun.

He's been very depressed,

Nobody would eat his bread.

He failed "no talk,"

He's been reading
everybody's toothpaste.

So let's show him
that we're fun guys.

We'll give him a boost.

Hi, Brothers.

What's going on here?

(blows note on pitch pipe)

♪ Brotherhood of
life, that is our name ♪

♪ Contemplation and
reflection, yes, that is our game ♪

♪ If you're feeling beat,
come to our retreat ♪

♪ And you'll surely meet
someone who feels the same ♪

♪ Until you ignore
your former pessimiz ♪

♪ Undemanding, understanding,
yes, that's all there is ♪

♪ If you want to live,
then you've got to give ♪

♪ Your fellow man
a helping hand ♪

♪ And he will
probably offer his. ♪

Where's the donkey?