The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 10 - Our Fathers - full transcript
A tale is told of an accidental meeting between the Odd Couple's fathers.
Hey, old buddy!
How was your trip to Chicago?
Chicago was nice.
Yeah? Did you have a good trip?
I ran into some cousins
I haven't seen in a
good many years.
Yeah? Yeah.
I learned something
that you'll find
of considerable
interest, my friend.
They want you to
move in with them, right?
Don't make jokes.
There's water all over...
Is there a drip here?
Yeah, been dripping all day.
It's driving me crazy.
This is terrible. Yeah.
Well, tell me
about your cousins.
What'd they say?
What does the
name Blinky Madison
mean to you?
Gee, that's familiar.
Well, it ought to be.
It was your father.
Oh, yeah.
He's used to blink
a lot, like that...
that's why they
called him Blinky.
This isn't water; it
smells like... hmm!
It smells like beer.
Beer. It smells
like beer to me too.
Isn't that strange? I
know what you did, slob!
Oh, it was an accident.
Forget about that.
Now, how did you know
my father's name was Blinky?
Because your father
tried to kill my father.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
I didn't even know
my father knew your father.
I thought he led a happy life.
Hey, watch it, buddy.
Say anything you like
about me or my mother,
but no cracks about my father.
All right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Tell me the story.
I'm very interested.
My father was a wonderful man.
He was an optometrist.
What are you laughing at?
What was your father?
My father was a maitre"
at a big restaurant.
Some restaurant... Where
they don't serve food.
What does that mean?
Sit down.
I'm going to tell you a
story that will curl your hair.
My father, Morris Unger,
was the most beloved
man in Chicago.
Your father, Blinky Madison...
ran a speakeasy.
That was long ago, when
Chicago was really wild.
It was the Jazz Age...
when folly was king
and crime sat in
the driver's seat.
(tires screeching)
(piano plays jaunty melody)
(knocking)
Aw, gee, Blinky, I just
can't seem to get it.
Try it without the gum.
Hey, gee, thanks.
You sure know a
lot about dancing.
No, I know a lot about gum.
Give me a shot of
that tea, will you?
Hey, that booze is too strong.
Put some more water in it.
Boss, it's half water already.
We're not watering
down the liquor.
We're liquoring up the water.
Oh, I forgot.
Hey, Bugsy!
Killer, how are you?
Hi, Commissioner.
Tim, go change the
camphor in the men's room.
Has the Big Boss
been in tonight?
No, he's at the funeral parlor.
Did someone die?
Not yet, he's
getting an estimate.
(knocking)
I'll get it. I'll
get it. I'll get it.
Oh, it's a bunch of Shriners.
It's a raid!
(whistle trilling)
Blinky, the Big Boss
ain't gonna like this.
It's the third time this month,
he's gonna have to bail us out.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know.
Think it's my eyes?
All right, Mr. Belson, you
take care of those eyes
and they'll take
care of you. Next!
Come right in, sir.
What is your name, sir?
Madison.
Mr. Madison. All righty.
Now, what seems to be
the trouble, Mr. Madison?
Well, I can't see through
little openings at night.
Can't... see... through...
little openings... at night.
Tell me, can you
arrange your schedule,
so you can look through
these little openings
during the daytime?
No, they're closed
during the day.
Ah. Closed... during day.
What seems to be the
trouble with your eyes?
Well, I blink a lot. See?
They call me Blinky. I see.
Aha. Well, we'll change
that moniker, won't we?
Sit down, sit down.
Thank you, buddy.
That's a great ad you got there.
You mean on my back? Yeah.
Yes, my son, Felix,
thought of that.
Clever kid.
Yes. Seven years old.
I don't know how
he finds the time,
what with school and Boy Scouts
and piano lessons
and cooking three meals a day.
Tell me, do you have children?
Yes, I have a boy seven, too.
Ah. What are his interests?
Horses.
Horses? He rides?
No, handicaps. Aha.
Eyes of blue say I love you.
Eyes of brown never frown.
Your son again?
Yes, my son made that up.
I tell you, he's a pip.
He's a pip.
All right, let's look at
the eye chart, shall we?
Can you read the top line?
I.
Next.
L-O.
Next. V-E-Y.
Very good. Next.
O-U-D.
Next.
A-D-D-Y.
All right.
Now read it all together.
I LOVE YOU DADDY.
My son made that up, too.
The pip?
Yes, yes.
Oh, that boy, I tell you.
Well, there's
nothing much wrong.
We'll have you
fixed up in a jiffy.
Nothing much to worry
about. Oh, thanks, Doc.
Listen, if you're ever
in my neighborhood,
look me up, will you?
I'll show you a good time.
I should be delighted.
Good. Here you are.
What's that, a prescription?
Yes. Take that to your grocer.
"Eat a bunch of carrots a day"?
That's right.
You have a little
night blindness...
Vitamin A deficiency.
Carrots will fix that up.
A carrot a day keeps
the optometrist away.
I made that one up myself.
You're a pip, too, huh? Yeah.
Pop's a pip. Yeah.
You're gonna need glasses,
so let's try these on for size.
Shall we? Oh, no, no,
no, Doc. No glasses.
I'm not gonna wear glasses
and have my friends laugh at me.
Nobody laughs at
glasses in this day and age.
Come on, let's try them on.
Anybody laughs at you,
you just send them to see me.
(laughing)
(car horn oogahs)
(knocking at door)
I'll get it.
It's okay.
Say, boss, since
you got those glasses,
you haven't made one mistake.
Yeah, but it ain't all great.
Today I got the first good
look at my kid Oscar's room.
(groans) (knocking on door)
I'll get this one.
Yeah? Hi there. Is this
the Madison residence?
What?
Wait a minute. I'll get it.
Hey, how you doing?!
I see you. Can you see me?
I sure can now! My eye doctor!
Come on in.
Well, well, well,
looks as though
you're having a party.
Yeah. Well, I kind of
have a party every night.
Well, if I had a wonderful
playroom like this
in my basement, I
think I would, too.
How about a ringside
table for my friend here?
Come on in.
Well, I should have
telephoned before I came over...
No. but I'll check your specs.
How are they feeling? Great.
Look, Doc, I take 'em
off and I start blinking.
I put 'em on and I see great
and I don't blink anymore.
You look very handsome in them.
Thank you. Thank you. Yes, yes.
Here, sit down. Sit down.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What would you like to drink?
Well, I think a little iced
tea wouldn't do any harm.
Good idea.
A little tea for my friend,
the best stuff, mostly tea.
Looks like a jolly crowd.
Say, speaking of fun...
You should have been
at the optometrists'
convention this year.
We held it in Cleveland.
Oh, boy!
I tell you, we really
let our hair down.
We chartered our own
train, the Bifocal Local.
We had a hot one going around.
Stop me if you've
heard this one.
The cross-eyed schoolteacher
who couldn't keep
her pupils straight.
Oh, I tell you, the
sky was the limit.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good. Okay. Bottom's up, Doc.
Thank you very much.
Oh boy, isn't that different?
Yeah, nothing but the best, Doc.
That's very good.
Mmm! It's tangy. It's tangy.
Good.
I've never tasted this before.
Where do you get this stuff?
We import it from Tennessee.
Is that a fact?
Yeah. That came last night.
Is that a fact? Yes, sir.
Excuse me for a
minute, will you?
Lucy? Huh?
I'd like you to meet a
very dear friend of mine.
This is Dr. Unger. This is Lucy.
Show him a very good
time, be very nice to him.
Sit down. Have a good
time. Moe, come here.
A doctor, huh? Yes.
You make house calls?
No.
Oh... well, then we'll just
have to get acquainted
right here, huh?
Uh, what do they
call you, Dr. Unger?
They call me Dr. Unger.
No, no, I mean your nickname.
You know, like
they call me Luce,
short for Lucy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, they call me Professor.
They call me Shakespeare.
They call me Four-Eyes,
and things of that nature.
Well, I think you're
the cat's meow.
Could I be your kitten? Hmm?
(purring)
Luce... Before you
fall in love with me,
I think you ought to
know that I have a...
a, um... what's the
word I want, um...
wife... I have a wife.
Gee, I'm sorry.
Uh... How would
you like to dance?
That might be a
first-rate suggestion.
I'm a federal agent!
This is a raid!
Everybody freeze!
AGENT: Get the hands up!
Get those hands up!
Everybody, get your hands up!
I'm not kiddin', now!
Hello, I'm the manager.
Can I buy you a drink, sir?
You want to buy me a drink?
I'm a federal agent.
For the last
time, this is a raid!
Oh, come on, will you?
Look, everybody's
having a good time.
You want to spoil their fun?
I work for the government.
It's my job to spoil
the people's fun.
LUCY: It's the Big Boss!
President Hoover?
No, the Big Boss.
Hi, Boss.
Good evening, Blinky.
Who is the gentleman
with the badge?
Oh, he's a Fed.
Any Fed of the
government is a Fed of mine.
(laughter)
Hey, that's pretty good, Boss.
That's very good, Blinky.
That's very good.
What's the matter with him?
Why isn't he laughing?
Well, it's a raid.
Did you offer him our
hospitality, a drink?
Yeah. He said no.
Well, it appears we're
dealing with an honest man.
You sure are!
Well, under the circumstances...
Will that, uh, take care
of things for a little while?
Forever.
Come on over to the bar.
Did you see that?
Sure. Now with these
glasses, I see everything.
That man accepted a bribe!
Well, I wouldn't
exactly call it a bribe.
He took a great deal of
money for not doing his job.
According to Webster's
Unabridged Dictionary...
Stop fondling. This is serious!
It's a bribe, all right?
It's a bribe.
That man should be reported.
All right, tell him.
There's the commissioner.
That is the police commissioner?
Yeah. Tell him.
And he's in on it, too?
Dr. Unger, everybody's
in on it except you.
Now, have some fun.
I want to see a smile on
everybody's kisser now.
Lucy, will you show
him a good time?
Relax, Doc, enjoy yourself.
(piano resumes
playing jaunty music)
Am I the last moral
man left in the world?
Well, I'm moral.
Then why don't you do something?
I don't get off till 4:00.
Hello, Central?
Give me the police.
Police?
Good morning, Sergeant.
My name is Dr. Morris Unger.
No, don't write that down.
I want this to be
an anonymous call.
What I am about to tell you
will blast this town wide open,
but it must never reach the ears
of your police commissioner
because he is in on it.
Sergeant, I know I speak
for every honest
man in this town
when I say I am
fed up to here...
My hand is under my chin...
With corruption in high places.
How can I teach my
son to respect the law
when those sworn
to uphold it flout it?
He squealed?
So that's when my father
wanted to kill your father.
No, that came later.
After my father did what
any good citizen would do,
that got your
father in deep water.
Big Boss was furious.
So the next day...
(giggling)
Well, okay, baby, that's enough.
That's enough.
Okay. Get lost, huh?
How come every time
I kiss her on the neck,
I get gum on my nose?
Hi, Boss. You wanted to see me?
20 minutes ago.
20 minutes ago?
That's when you called me.
That's when I wanted to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late, Boss.
Sit down.
Your friend, Dr. Unger,
squealed about our little club here.
He did?
Yeah, and you know
my rule about squealers.
They die.
Yeah, it's one of my best rules.
Who's gonna kill him?
We're gonna draw straws.
Looks like you're it, Blinky.
Oh, wait a minute, Boss.
Look, when it comes
to cutting the booze
or padding somebody's
bill, I'm the terrific one,
but I can't really...
I never killed anybody
in my life. That's not...
All right, all right, all right.
You don't want the gun?
No, sir, thank you. All right.
Then I'll just give
you the bullets.
I'll take it all. That's
all right. Get going.
And Blinky... Yeah?
Just in case
you lose your nerve or
you change your mind,
I'm gonna send a real pro
from Detroit along with you.
Heel!
This is the Heel.
Heel? He's not
nice to ladies, huh?
Not that kind of heel.
Show him. Show him.
He kills people with his shoe.
With his shoe?
That's pretty funny.
(laughs)
It's not so funny.
And you better do a good job,
or you'll wind up in the river
with a pair of cement galoshes.
In the river?
In the river.
He's out to lunch.
He won't be back till 2:00.
You're right on time.
Make it fast, Blinky.
Heel, do me a favor...
will you wait out in the hall?
What for? Well,
I'm a little nervous.
It's the first time I ever
bumped anybody off before.
Oh, sure, I understand.
Yeah, wait in the hall
and cool your heel.
Okay? Fine.
I think you're in
the wrong office.
You want a podiatrist.
Try Dr. Scholl, two doors down.
He's young, but he's very good.
Well, Mr. Madison, I'm
tickled to death to see you.
I have a confession to make.
I owe you an apology.
I'm the one who phoned the
police about your speakeasy.
I'm sorry, but... I
squeaked on you.
That's squealed.
Well, whatever.
I-I'm not conversant
with gutter lingo.
I hope you're not angry with me.
No, no, no, I'm not
angry with you, Doc,
and there's something
I have to tell you.
I hope you're not
gonna be angry with me.
Why should I be angry with you?
I'm gonna kill you.
Well, I'm not angry.
I'm disappointed.
This is a joke, isn't it?
Some sort of hoodlum humor?
No, I don't want to kill you,
but the Boss gave me orders.
You mean, you're
really going to do it?
You're just going
to come in here
and kill me without
an appointment?
Yup.
That's a gun.
You got good eyes, Doc.
It's a real gun
that shoots bullets?
It doesn't shoot water
or go bang, bang?
Oh, yeah... see, here's
where the serial number
was filed off and everything.
Yes, well...
everything certainly
seems to be in order.
Try not to make
too much of a mess.
(phone ringing)
Would it be all right if I
answered my telephone?
All right, Doc, but I
got you covered, okay?
Good-bye.
I mean, hello?
Hello, Felix.
It's my son.
What are you doing, son?
Helping Grandma
make bouillabaisse.
Isn't that remarkable?
What?
Well, of course,
she's going to spill
something every now and then.
She's getting old, son, but
don't let that make you angry.
Tell you what.
Why don't you use
that nice new sponge
I gave you for your birthday?
Good.
I love you, too.
Good-bye.
Where were we?
I can't do it.
Fine! Tell you what.
The coffee's on me.
You don't understand, Doc.
I may not have
the guts to kill you,
but there's a guy out
in the hall that can.
They call him the Heel because
he kills people with his shoe.
You mean that poor
little fellow with the limp?
Yeah.
Listen, if I don't shoot you,
he's gonna tap
dance you to death.
Well, you've got the gun.
Why don't you shoot him?
Because I can't shoot anybody.
If I could, I would shoot you.
It would make it easier on me.
Give me the gun. What?
I'll show you how to do it.
Wow!
You're a cool cucumber,
all right, aren't you?
You don't get to the
top of the eye game
without nerves of steel.
Show your little friend in.
Okay.
The doctor'll see you now.
Oh... so you're still alive.
You can bet the cockeyed
world I'm still alive,
you two-bit punk.
Finally met your
match, didn't you?
I guess you never came up
before an optometrist before.
Give me the gun.
Fat chance, bimbo.
Hand... Hand it over to me.
Shoot him, Doc,
shoot him, shoot him!
Don't come any closer... please.
I'll give you a dollar.
Aw, heck, I can't shoot him.
Nerves of steel?
Well, you should talk.
If you'd shot me the way
you were supposed to,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
Well... All right,
gunsel, make it fast.
I can't do it.
Well, what do you know.
He's the same as we are.
Oh, I should do
it for sayin' that.
Now, you guys get out of town
before you blow my cover.
What cover?
I'm a federal agent.
Wow!
A G-man!
Now you guys, hide
away, and then leave town,
and don't come
back for 25 years.
25 years?
Why, I'll miss the world's fair.
Oh, forget that, will ya?
Listen, young man, I'm
glad you're on our side.
I didn't get your name.
Ness. Eliot Ness.
Eliot Ness.
Remember that name.
That is the dumbest,
the most unbelievable
story I ever heard in my life.
Were your cousins on the sauce
when they told you that story?
You're scoffing. Of
course, I'm scoffing.
Things like that used
to happen in those days.
(muttering) What are you...?
I'm going to show you something
that will make a true
believer out of you.
Nothing. It's impossible.
I can't believe that story.
This is a family heirloom.
This doesn't prove anything.
That story never
happened... look!
Or did it?
Now, maybe you'll believe me?
It was because of that
that both our families
had to leave town.
Mine went to Oklahoma,
and yours went to New York.
But first, they had to hide
out in a hotel for several days.
In a hotel? Yeah.
Felix, did you have a
pair of knickers, corduroy,
that whistle when you walk?
I used to when I was
a kid. I've still got 'em.
(whistling)
Those were my favorite knickers.
You're the one! What?
Don't you remember? What?
We met! When?
When we were kids.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
Hi. I'm Felix.
You're spilling soda
all over yourself.
That's my style, kid.
You want some soda?
No.
Want to play football?
No.
Want to play baseball?
No.
What do you want to do?
I want to bake bread.
How was your trip to Chicago?
Chicago was nice.
Yeah? Did you have a good trip?
I ran into some cousins
I haven't seen in a
good many years.
Yeah? Yeah.
I learned something
that you'll find
of considerable
interest, my friend.
They want you to
move in with them, right?
Don't make jokes.
There's water all over...
Is there a drip here?
Yeah, been dripping all day.
It's driving me crazy.
This is terrible. Yeah.
Well, tell me
about your cousins.
What'd they say?
What does the
name Blinky Madison
mean to you?
Gee, that's familiar.
Well, it ought to be.
It was your father.
Oh, yeah.
He's used to blink
a lot, like that...
that's why they
called him Blinky.
This isn't water; it
smells like... hmm!
It smells like beer.
Beer. It smells
like beer to me too.
Isn't that strange? I
know what you did, slob!
Oh, it was an accident.
Forget about that.
Now, how did you know
my father's name was Blinky?
Because your father
tried to kill my father.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
I didn't even know
my father knew your father.
I thought he led a happy life.
Hey, watch it, buddy.
Say anything you like
about me or my mother,
but no cracks about my father.
All right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Tell me the story.
I'm very interested.
My father was a wonderful man.
He was an optometrist.
What are you laughing at?
What was your father?
My father was a maitre"
at a big restaurant.
Some restaurant... Where
they don't serve food.
What does that mean?
Sit down.
I'm going to tell you a
story that will curl your hair.
My father, Morris Unger,
was the most beloved
man in Chicago.
Your father, Blinky Madison...
ran a speakeasy.
That was long ago, when
Chicago was really wild.
It was the Jazz Age...
when folly was king
and crime sat in
the driver's seat.
(tires screeching)
(piano plays jaunty melody)
(knocking)
Aw, gee, Blinky, I just
can't seem to get it.
Try it without the gum.
Hey, gee, thanks.
You sure know a
lot about dancing.
No, I know a lot about gum.
Give me a shot of
that tea, will you?
Hey, that booze is too strong.
Put some more water in it.
Boss, it's half water already.
We're not watering
down the liquor.
We're liquoring up the water.
Oh, I forgot.
Hey, Bugsy!
Killer, how are you?
Hi, Commissioner.
Tim, go change the
camphor in the men's room.
Has the Big Boss
been in tonight?
No, he's at the funeral parlor.
Did someone die?
Not yet, he's
getting an estimate.
(knocking)
I'll get it. I'll
get it. I'll get it.
Oh, it's a bunch of Shriners.
It's a raid!
(whistle trilling)
Blinky, the Big Boss
ain't gonna like this.
It's the third time this month,
he's gonna have to bail us out.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know.
Think it's my eyes?
All right, Mr. Belson, you
take care of those eyes
and they'll take
care of you. Next!
Come right in, sir.
What is your name, sir?
Madison.
Mr. Madison. All righty.
Now, what seems to be
the trouble, Mr. Madison?
Well, I can't see through
little openings at night.
Can't... see... through...
little openings... at night.
Tell me, can you
arrange your schedule,
so you can look through
these little openings
during the daytime?
No, they're closed
during the day.
Ah. Closed... during day.
What seems to be the
trouble with your eyes?
Well, I blink a lot. See?
They call me Blinky. I see.
Aha. Well, we'll change
that moniker, won't we?
Sit down, sit down.
Thank you, buddy.
That's a great ad you got there.
You mean on my back? Yeah.
Yes, my son, Felix,
thought of that.
Clever kid.
Yes. Seven years old.
I don't know how
he finds the time,
what with school and Boy Scouts
and piano lessons
and cooking three meals a day.
Tell me, do you have children?
Yes, I have a boy seven, too.
Ah. What are his interests?
Horses.
Horses? He rides?
No, handicaps. Aha.
Eyes of blue say I love you.
Eyes of brown never frown.
Your son again?
Yes, my son made that up.
I tell you, he's a pip.
He's a pip.
All right, let's look at
the eye chart, shall we?
Can you read the top line?
I.
Next.
L-O.
Next. V-E-Y.
Very good. Next.
O-U-D.
Next.
A-D-D-Y.
All right.
Now read it all together.
I LOVE YOU DADDY.
My son made that up, too.
The pip?
Yes, yes.
Oh, that boy, I tell you.
Well, there's
nothing much wrong.
We'll have you
fixed up in a jiffy.
Nothing much to worry
about. Oh, thanks, Doc.
Listen, if you're ever
in my neighborhood,
look me up, will you?
I'll show you a good time.
I should be delighted.
Good. Here you are.
What's that, a prescription?
Yes. Take that to your grocer.
"Eat a bunch of carrots a day"?
That's right.
You have a little
night blindness...
Vitamin A deficiency.
Carrots will fix that up.
A carrot a day keeps
the optometrist away.
I made that one up myself.
You're a pip, too, huh? Yeah.
Pop's a pip. Yeah.
You're gonna need glasses,
so let's try these on for size.
Shall we? Oh, no, no,
no, Doc. No glasses.
I'm not gonna wear glasses
and have my friends laugh at me.
Nobody laughs at
glasses in this day and age.
Come on, let's try them on.
Anybody laughs at you,
you just send them to see me.
(laughing)
(car horn oogahs)
(knocking at door)
I'll get it.
It's okay.
Say, boss, since
you got those glasses,
you haven't made one mistake.
Yeah, but it ain't all great.
Today I got the first good
look at my kid Oscar's room.
(groans) (knocking on door)
I'll get this one.
Yeah? Hi there. Is this
the Madison residence?
What?
Wait a minute. I'll get it.
Hey, how you doing?!
I see you. Can you see me?
I sure can now! My eye doctor!
Come on in.
Well, well, well,
looks as though
you're having a party.
Yeah. Well, I kind of
have a party every night.
Well, if I had a wonderful
playroom like this
in my basement, I
think I would, too.
How about a ringside
table for my friend here?
Come on in.
Well, I should have
telephoned before I came over...
No. but I'll check your specs.
How are they feeling? Great.
Look, Doc, I take 'em
off and I start blinking.
I put 'em on and I see great
and I don't blink anymore.
You look very handsome in them.
Thank you. Thank you. Yes, yes.
Here, sit down. Sit down.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What would you like to drink?
Well, I think a little iced
tea wouldn't do any harm.
Good idea.
A little tea for my friend,
the best stuff, mostly tea.
Looks like a jolly crowd.
Say, speaking of fun...
You should have been
at the optometrists'
convention this year.
We held it in Cleveland.
Oh, boy!
I tell you, we really
let our hair down.
We chartered our own
train, the Bifocal Local.
We had a hot one going around.
Stop me if you've
heard this one.
The cross-eyed schoolteacher
who couldn't keep
her pupils straight.
Oh, I tell you, the
sky was the limit.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good. Okay. Bottom's up, Doc.
Thank you very much.
Oh boy, isn't that different?
Yeah, nothing but the best, Doc.
That's very good.
Mmm! It's tangy. It's tangy.
Good.
I've never tasted this before.
Where do you get this stuff?
We import it from Tennessee.
Is that a fact?
Yeah. That came last night.
Is that a fact? Yes, sir.
Excuse me for a
minute, will you?
Lucy? Huh?
I'd like you to meet a
very dear friend of mine.
This is Dr. Unger. This is Lucy.
Show him a very good
time, be very nice to him.
Sit down. Have a good
time. Moe, come here.
A doctor, huh? Yes.
You make house calls?
No.
Oh... well, then we'll just
have to get acquainted
right here, huh?
Uh, what do they
call you, Dr. Unger?
They call me Dr. Unger.
No, no, I mean your nickname.
You know, like
they call me Luce,
short for Lucy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, they call me Professor.
They call me Shakespeare.
They call me Four-Eyes,
and things of that nature.
Well, I think you're
the cat's meow.
Could I be your kitten? Hmm?
(purring)
Luce... Before you
fall in love with me,
I think you ought to
know that I have a...
a, um... what's the
word I want, um...
wife... I have a wife.
Gee, I'm sorry.
Uh... How would
you like to dance?
That might be a
first-rate suggestion.
I'm a federal agent!
This is a raid!
Everybody freeze!
AGENT: Get the hands up!
Get those hands up!
Everybody, get your hands up!
I'm not kiddin', now!
Hello, I'm the manager.
Can I buy you a drink, sir?
You want to buy me a drink?
I'm a federal agent.
For the last
time, this is a raid!
Oh, come on, will you?
Look, everybody's
having a good time.
You want to spoil their fun?
I work for the government.
It's my job to spoil
the people's fun.
LUCY: It's the Big Boss!
President Hoover?
No, the Big Boss.
Hi, Boss.
Good evening, Blinky.
Who is the gentleman
with the badge?
Oh, he's a Fed.
Any Fed of the
government is a Fed of mine.
(laughter)
Hey, that's pretty good, Boss.
That's very good, Blinky.
That's very good.
What's the matter with him?
Why isn't he laughing?
Well, it's a raid.
Did you offer him our
hospitality, a drink?
Yeah. He said no.
Well, it appears we're
dealing with an honest man.
You sure are!
Well, under the circumstances...
Will that, uh, take care
of things for a little while?
Forever.
Come on over to the bar.
Did you see that?
Sure. Now with these
glasses, I see everything.
That man accepted a bribe!
Well, I wouldn't
exactly call it a bribe.
He took a great deal of
money for not doing his job.
According to Webster's
Unabridged Dictionary...
Stop fondling. This is serious!
It's a bribe, all right?
It's a bribe.
That man should be reported.
All right, tell him.
There's the commissioner.
That is the police commissioner?
Yeah. Tell him.
And he's in on it, too?
Dr. Unger, everybody's
in on it except you.
Now, have some fun.
I want to see a smile on
everybody's kisser now.
Lucy, will you show
him a good time?
Relax, Doc, enjoy yourself.
(piano resumes
playing jaunty music)
Am I the last moral
man left in the world?
Well, I'm moral.
Then why don't you do something?
I don't get off till 4:00.
Hello, Central?
Give me the police.
Police?
Good morning, Sergeant.
My name is Dr. Morris Unger.
No, don't write that down.
I want this to be
an anonymous call.
What I am about to tell you
will blast this town wide open,
but it must never reach the ears
of your police commissioner
because he is in on it.
Sergeant, I know I speak
for every honest
man in this town
when I say I am
fed up to here...
My hand is under my chin...
With corruption in high places.
How can I teach my
son to respect the law
when those sworn
to uphold it flout it?
He squealed?
So that's when my father
wanted to kill your father.
No, that came later.
After my father did what
any good citizen would do,
that got your
father in deep water.
Big Boss was furious.
So the next day...
(giggling)
Well, okay, baby, that's enough.
That's enough.
Okay. Get lost, huh?
How come every time
I kiss her on the neck,
I get gum on my nose?
Hi, Boss. You wanted to see me?
20 minutes ago.
20 minutes ago?
That's when you called me.
That's when I wanted to see you.
I'm sorry I'm late, Boss.
Sit down.
Your friend, Dr. Unger,
squealed about our little club here.
He did?
Yeah, and you know
my rule about squealers.
They die.
Yeah, it's one of my best rules.
Who's gonna kill him?
We're gonna draw straws.
Looks like you're it, Blinky.
Oh, wait a minute, Boss.
Look, when it comes
to cutting the booze
or padding somebody's
bill, I'm the terrific one,
but I can't really...
I never killed anybody
in my life. That's not...
All right, all right, all right.
You don't want the gun?
No, sir, thank you. All right.
Then I'll just give
you the bullets.
I'll take it all. That's
all right. Get going.
And Blinky... Yeah?
Just in case
you lose your nerve or
you change your mind,
I'm gonna send a real pro
from Detroit along with you.
Heel!
This is the Heel.
Heel? He's not
nice to ladies, huh?
Not that kind of heel.
Show him. Show him.
He kills people with his shoe.
With his shoe?
That's pretty funny.
(laughs)
It's not so funny.
And you better do a good job,
or you'll wind up in the river
with a pair of cement galoshes.
In the river?
In the river.
He's out to lunch.
He won't be back till 2:00.
You're right on time.
Make it fast, Blinky.
Heel, do me a favor...
will you wait out in the hall?
What for? Well,
I'm a little nervous.
It's the first time I ever
bumped anybody off before.
Oh, sure, I understand.
Yeah, wait in the hall
and cool your heel.
Okay? Fine.
I think you're in
the wrong office.
You want a podiatrist.
Try Dr. Scholl, two doors down.
He's young, but he's very good.
Well, Mr. Madison, I'm
tickled to death to see you.
I have a confession to make.
I owe you an apology.
I'm the one who phoned the
police about your speakeasy.
I'm sorry, but... I
squeaked on you.
That's squealed.
Well, whatever.
I-I'm not conversant
with gutter lingo.
I hope you're not angry with me.
No, no, no, I'm not
angry with you, Doc,
and there's something
I have to tell you.
I hope you're not
gonna be angry with me.
Why should I be angry with you?
I'm gonna kill you.
Well, I'm not angry.
I'm disappointed.
This is a joke, isn't it?
Some sort of hoodlum humor?
No, I don't want to kill you,
but the Boss gave me orders.
You mean, you're
really going to do it?
You're just going
to come in here
and kill me without
an appointment?
Yup.
That's a gun.
You got good eyes, Doc.
It's a real gun
that shoots bullets?
It doesn't shoot water
or go bang, bang?
Oh, yeah... see, here's
where the serial number
was filed off and everything.
Yes, well...
everything certainly
seems to be in order.
Try not to make
too much of a mess.
(phone ringing)
Would it be all right if I
answered my telephone?
All right, Doc, but I
got you covered, okay?
Good-bye.
I mean, hello?
Hello, Felix.
It's my son.
What are you doing, son?
Helping Grandma
make bouillabaisse.
Isn't that remarkable?
What?
Well, of course,
she's going to spill
something every now and then.
She's getting old, son, but
don't let that make you angry.
Tell you what.
Why don't you use
that nice new sponge
I gave you for your birthday?
Good.
I love you, too.
Good-bye.
Where were we?
I can't do it.
Fine! Tell you what.
The coffee's on me.
You don't understand, Doc.
I may not have
the guts to kill you,
but there's a guy out
in the hall that can.
They call him the Heel because
he kills people with his shoe.
You mean that poor
little fellow with the limp?
Yeah.
Listen, if I don't shoot you,
he's gonna tap
dance you to death.
Well, you've got the gun.
Why don't you shoot him?
Because I can't shoot anybody.
If I could, I would shoot you.
It would make it easier on me.
Give me the gun. What?
I'll show you how to do it.
Wow!
You're a cool cucumber,
all right, aren't you?
You don't get to the
top of the eye game
without nerves of steel.
Show your little friend in.
Okay.
The doctor'll see you now.
Oh... so you're still alive.
You can bet the cockeyed
world I'm still alive,
you two-bit punk.
Finally met your
match, didn't you?
I guess you never came up
before an optometrist before.
Give me the gun.
Fat chance, bimbo.
Hand... Hand it over to me.
Shoot him, Doc,
shoot him, shoot him!
Don't come any closer... please.
I'll give you a dollar.
Aw, heck, I can't shoot him.
Nerves of steel?
Well, you should talk.
If you'd shot me the way
you were supposed to,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
Well... All right,
gunsel, make it fast.
I can't do it.
Well, what do you know.
He's the same as we are.
Oh, I should do
it for sayin' that.
Now, you guys get out of town
before you blow my cover.
What cover?
I'm a federal agent.
Wow!
A G-man!
Now you guys, hide
away, and then leave town,
and don't come
back for 25 years.
25 years?
Why, I'll miss the world's fair.
Oh, forget that, will ya?
Listen, young man, I'm
glad you're on our side.
I didn't get your name.
Ness. Eliot Ness.
Eliot Ness.
Remember that name.
That is the dumbest,
the most unbelievable
story I ever heard in my life.
Were your cousins on the sauce
when they told you that story?
You're scoffing. Of
course, I'm scoffing.
Things like that used
to happen in those days.
(muttering) What are you...?
I'm going to show you something
that will make a true
believer out of you.
Nothing. It's impossible.
I can't believe that story.
This is a family heirloom.
This doesn't prove anything.
That story never
happened... look!
Or did it?
Now, maybe you'll believe me?
It was because of that
that both our families
had to leave town.
Mine went to Oklahoma,
and yours went to New York.
But first, they had to hide
out in a hotel for several days.
In a hotel? Yeah.
Felix, did you have a
pair of knickers, corduroy,
that whistle when you walk?
I used to when I was
a kid. I've still got 'em.
(whistling)
Those were my favorite knickers.
You're the one! What?
Don't you remember? What?
We met! When?
When we were kids.
(knocking on door)
Come in.
Hi. I'm Felix.
You're spilling soda
all over yourself.
That's my style, kid.
You want some soda?
No.
Want to play football?
No.
Want to play baseball?
No.
What do you want to do?
I want to bake bread.