The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Big Broadcast - full transcript
Oscar has a job of hosting a live radio program. Felix throws in his own ideas including rewriting the stories while on the air.
(pencil sharpener whirring)
(whirring)
(whirring)
(buzzer sounds)
(buzzer sounds)
(buzzer continues)
Come in.
Felix... Hi.
(laughing giddily)
Murray, wipe your feet.
(laughing giddily)
I gotta tell you...
Close the door.
(laughing giddily)
What?
What's all the excitement?
You don't have your radio on.
Where's your radio? Ah.
No, that's a humidor
that looks like a radio.
The football is the radio.
Oscar got it for being an
usher at Dick Butkus's wedding.
OSCAR (over radio): So, if
you want to talk, call 555-6181,
and I'll be happy
to talk to you.
This is Oscar
Madison, talking sports.
I'll be back in a minute.
He'll be back in a minute.
Oscar's got his own radio show.
Yeah!
You know, I was cruising
around in my police car...
You know, nothing to do...
So I thought I'd listen to
some police calls for a while,
but they're boring,
so I changed stations.
There was Oscar...
His own show...
That's a talented guy.
Yeah, but, why
didn't he tell me?
Gee, I could have
gone down there.
I'd have cleaned off his desk,
I'd have wiped off the mike.
I'd have told him
exactly what to do
every single second
he was on the air.
I'd never have left his side.
Why didn't he tell me?
Are you hurt, Felix?
No, I'm not hurt.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, beltaroonie time
and I could I use one.
Where's mine?
In a pull-top can in
the icebox, I'm sure.
Uh-huh.
Rough day?
Oh, day like any other
day, just a regular day.
What did you do
this regular day?
Covered the Yankee
game, I wrote my column.
Did your radio show...
Yeah, did my radio show...
Oh, boy, no wonder we're
having cocktails for one.
Well, I was hoping
I could keep it
from you for more than one day.
Why do you want
to keep it from me?
A whole city listening in...
I'm sitting here
with the football off.
Because you're a buttinksy
and this is a very
important opportunity for me.
I would love to have a
radio show of my own.
Felix, they're trying all
new formats down there
to fill those two hours.
You see, they tried political
discussions and gardening,
now they're trying
a sports talk show.
I know you'd want to butt in
even though you don't
know anything about sports.
But I know
everything about radio.
You do? Of course I do.
Radio's in my blood, mister.
In college I managed
the radio station
for three years.
I did everything.
I was on the air.
I was the newscaster.
I was the disc jockey.
I wrote the shows.
The whole campus
listened to the Big F.
The Big F?
That's me.
"Turn your dial for a while
"to the voice with a smile...
"F-E-L-I-X marks the spot...
"1290 on your radio dot.
(German accent):
Und dots a lot."
That's college humor.
Yeah, but college humor...
That-that's amateur.
This is the big time.
I was professional.
When I was a kid, I
was on "Let's Pretend."
I played all kinds of parts.
I was a frog once...
Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.
I'm in the Actors Union.
Want to see a union card?
You were a member of
the Radio Actors Union?
I still am.
Paid my dues for 20 years
waiting for radio to come back.
Then when it comes back,
you don't tell me about it.
See, that's another
reason I didn't tell you.
Felix, you gotta understand,
this is not your big moment.
It is my big moment.
Now, I don't want to talk
about my radio show anymore.
Just give me my dinner.
When I finish my martini.
I'll wait.
Then you heard the show, huh?
I thought you didn't
want to talk about it.
I don't.
I don't want to talk about.
Did you like it?
There's only one thing
wrong with your radio show.
What's that?
You don't have any personality.
Look, who's an authority.
(German accent):
"Und dot's a lot."
"Ribbit, ribbit."
(muttering)
What do you mean, what's wrong?
You have to have a
distinctive style for radio.
You have to use your
natural gifts on the air.
Yeah, but you can't see
sloppiness on the radio.
There are other aspects
of your personality
that you could use on the air
like hostility, sarcasm.
You're very good at that.
Those are your strong points.
I'm not kidding.
Nothing succeeds
in boosting the ratings
like a touch of venom,
and that's right up your alley.
You're the best
in the world at that.
I get the feeling
I'm being insulted.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not kidding. I mean it.
Instead of saying,
"Very nice of you to call, sir."
You should say, "Get off
the air, you stupid creep."
That's you.
That's hostility that sells.
People love it. Look
at Howard Cosell.
Are you trying to
tell me people love
to be called stupid creeps?
Within certain limits, yes.
But the main thing is,
you weren't real, Oscar.
You weren't you.
You know, you got a...
See, a couple of people,
they asked some
very stupid questions.
I wanted to let them have it.
Why didn't you let them have it?
Get in there. Zing 'em?
I think you're right, because...
Of course, I'm right. You see,
I wasn't very successful.
I didn't get many phone
calls today. Ah, ah, ah.
I'm gonna write down
some hostile notes right now.
And you said I
couldn't help you.
Give me a second.
Felix, all my
pencils are broken.
Murray did it.
Hello. Hello.
I'm looking for Oscar Madison.
Oh, he'll be back in a minute.
Can I help?
I'm Tina,
Mr. Madison's secretary.
Tina?
Where's Myrna? On vacation.
Ah... Be sure to
get the ashtray.
Ah, you must be Mr. Unger.
Oscar told you
about me, huh? Yeah.
What'd he tell you, a
lot of neat freak jokes?
Yeah. Yeah.
(laughs)
He told you I polish
my shoe trees?
Yeah.
Hat I use the
Waterpik on my toes?
No, he didn't tell me that one.
But that's funny... use
the Waterpik on your toes.
(laughing)
(whistling)
Hello everybody,
this is the Big F.
Felix Unger broadcasting to you
from high atop
the library building.
And now the news
as the time will allow.
Berlin, Germany.
Today, Adolph Hitler
announced his intention
of invading Poland.
"I love to invade," he said,
when questioned
by this reporter.
And now the weather
report for Mexico...
chili today and hot tamale.
(laughs)
And now it... Who are you?
I'm-I'm Felix Unger.
I'm-I'm a personal
friend of Oscar Madison.
Well, I'm Jim Antrobus.
I'm the station manager. Ah!
Now, don't fool with
that gear. Yeah. Okay.
You never can tell
when a mike is live.
Oh, I can always tell a
hot mike when I see one.
So you're in charge here, huh?
You're the man who
decides who goes on
and who goes off?
Yeah.
Me and the listeners. Uh-huh.
See, all those
little buttons there...
Don't touch it!
If a... a program is popular,
they light up like
a Christmas tree.
Ah. It's a sign that
people are trying
to get through on
the phone. Uh-huh.
If no lights blink,
no Christmas.
And no Christmas bonus, huh?
(laughs)
FELIX: Hi!
Hi, Jim.
Good luck on your
show today, Oscar.
I'll be listening in my office.
What are you doing here?
I came down to help
you. You want to help me?
Go sit in the corner somewhere.
I'll be on the air
in a few seconds.
Just remember one
thing... Be mean, Yeah.
Be hostile, Okay.
Be yourself. Yeah, okay, okay.
Ready, Oscar?
Where's your announcer?
What announcer?
To tell the people who you are,
what you're gonna do in the
new format? I don't know, Felix.
I'm not Ted Husing...
You're on the air, Oscar. Go!
Hi there, sports fans!
Don't be down, the man with
the frown is coming around
to drag you down to the ground.
And here he is, Mr. Venom...
Oscar "Bad" Madison.
(grunting)
Uh, welcome to the Oscar Madison
sports talk show.
There's gonna be
a lot of talk tonight.
Some of it you'll like,
and some of it you won't.
Well, either way,
why don't you call 555-6181.
Let me know how
you feel and let us get
to the first phone
call right now. Hello.
Yes, ma'am.
What's on your mind, dummy?
Ooh, listen to this,
hockey puck gang...
FELIX: Here he
comes, he's the champ.
Come on, champ.
The man from Mad...
Mr. Mean himself.
Come on.
That board lit up like
a Christmas tree, boy!
What about the cabdriver
that did this to me
because of what I
said about the Mets?
He's a fan. Yeah,
and the bartender who
recognized my voice
and threw the beer in my face.
Another fan? You're darn right!
The only time you need worry is
when they stop throwing
beer in your face.
(phone rings) Yeah.
Hello.
Yeah, this is Oscar Madison.
Who... Oh! (rapid
chattering over phone)
Calm down, will you?
Look at this, another one.
Wait, whoa!
What? Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
I said water polo
is a dumb sport.
That's right.
Yes, I can swim.
(rapid chattering)
Swim up what?!
(line clicks)
Good-bye.
They love you!
They hate me! No.
They love to hate you.
Look, I never promised
you that they would love you.
I promised you
they'd listen to you.
Yeah, they listened to
me, both fists are clenched.
(buzzer sounds) What's
the matter with you?
I don't know.
(overlapping chatter)
Oscar Madison?
Yes, sir.
(cries out)
Thanks! Keep listening!
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Bye. Huh?
Another fan, huh?
No, that was Antrobus
from the radio station.
We have to cut
out the hostility.
What?
He says people aren't
listening to their radios anymore,
they're breaking them.
He's getting hate
mail from Quakers.
Gotta cut out the hostility.
There's no problem. You adjust.
They don't want hostile...
You give them Mr. Nice Guy.
You said they like
Howard Cosell. No, no.
They don't like
nice guys. Nice...
Nice is always nice.
It's another aspect
of your personality.
You, with that wonderful charm,
that Madison charm,
that million-dollar smile...
Oh, come on, you can't
see a smile on radio.
Oh, sure you can.
Let's see the smile.
There, yeah, that's nice.
Look at that little
bit of sandwich
in the tooth there.
See?
The face with a smile
is the voice with a smile.
You'd better get out of here
before I break
both of your legs.
(laughing)
Sit down.
Now, you're at
the radio station.
You're getting a phone call.
You respond with
charm, with Mr. Nice.
Go ahead. Pick up the phone.
The phone call's
coming in. Hello.
No. Hello.
Hello. Nice.
Here we go, hello. Hello.
You gotta feel it a
little bit from inside.
Hello... Yeah, that's right.
And... Hello, you stupid creep!
Why don't you get off the air?!
Listen, you
pea-brained... Uh-uh-uh.
Charm, be nice. Okay.
Be nice. Well, I'm
very glad you called, sir.
I'm interested in your opinion.
I'm not interested!
I can't talk to somebody
like that. Yes, you can.
You be the gentleman. No, no,
no. Somebody talks to me angry...
Nobody can do it. You be the
gentleman. Of course you can.
Are you an angel or something?
There's nothing to it. No.
Go ahead, you do it! Easy.
I recall my early training...
All right, let me see you do it.
Go ahead. Nothing to it.
Hello. Hello.
Is this Oscar Madison?
Yes, this is he.
Listen, you big-mouthed creep,
you don't know
nothing about nothing!
Why don't you
stop polluting the air
and get off it?!
Why, you ugly little ignoramus.
What happened
to nice and sweet...
Nobody talks to me that way!
Feel better if you
talked about it?
What's there to talk about?
For two days, I've been
Mr. Nice Guy at the station.
I haven't gotten one phone...
Oh, yes, I did get one.
A guy wanted to sell
me mambo lessons.
Oscar, what would you say
if I told you that I
figured out a way
to make the Oscar Madison
show the talk of New York?
I want to tell you
something; listen carefully.
There are two things in this
world I don't need right now.
That's you and a fungus.
Even fungus begins with "fun."
(laughing)
You make me laugh.
Gang, come on!
Morning, Mr. Madison.
Good morning, Oscar.
(laughter)
You brought an
audience to watch me eat?
(laughter)
Bear with me, Oscar.
Believe me, what your
show needs is a return
to those thrilling days of
yesteryear when out of the past
came the thundering
hoofbeats of real live radio!
You ready, cast?
Ready. Ready.
We're on the air!
(humming "William
Tell Overture")
Come on, Jimmy.
We got to get to the
secret headquarters
of the mysterious
Dr. Zwub before midnight
or the entire
world will explode.
Yes, fellows and gals,
it's time once again
for America's great crusader,
the Adventuring Ranger!
Ranger! Ranger!
(making whooshing noises)
I don't believe it.
I wrote this in college.
And now, back to the
Adventuring Ranger!
Ranger! Ranger!
(making whooshing noises)
Let's join the
Adventuring Ranger
and his young cohort,
Jimmy, as they make their way
through the dense
jungle underbrush
towards the castle of
the mysterious Dr. Zwub.
The Ranger speaks.
Just follow along behind, Jimmy.
(straining): I'll
just put my foot
in your cupped hands here,
and lift myself onto the wall.
(straining): Jump up here
and grab the top of the wall.
(grunting)
Oh, stop with the...!
(shouting gibberish)
I can't eat with all
those grunts going on.
You don't like the
Adventuring Ranger?
Ranger! Ranger!
(makes whooshing noises)
Will you whoosh
yourselves out of here?!
Wait outside, cast.
I'll be outside with
you in just a minute.
Oscar, this is real radio.
(door opens, closes)
Felix, that is
hardcore nonsense.
I'm doing a sports talk show,
not a kiddie matinee
from the '40s.
(making whooshing noises)
Wait.
Better, better, better, better.
What's better? What's better?
We won't do the
Adventuring Ranger.
Look how he listens, finally,
to a man who's been
aggravated to death.
I'll write authentic,
factual stories
of great moments in sports.
But you don't know
anything about sports.
I'll make them up!
Now, you know what
you're doing? Felix?
You got all your
music parts? Felix?
Yes. I just read your script,
and this isn't the story
about Babe Ruth and the kid.
The names are wrong,
the places are wrong.
It's not the way it happened.
But it's better than
the way it happened.
This is dramatization
based on rumor.
Yeah, but I don't
know... Madison!
This script is going
out over the air?
Well, it's a new concept.
New concept?!
This is what killed radio.
We're gonna light
up your switchboard.
This is going to make you
the hero of broadcasting.
Who are these people?
This is my cast.
Well, I hope they're
members of the union.
If they're not,
they can't perform.
What kind of bilgewater
are you pumping, mister?
Don't worry, kids, he
can't do anything to us.
I'm sorry, it's union rules.
Union? You say union?
You want to see a union card?
I'll show you a union card.
What does that look like?
That is a union card.
You're darn right.
All right, you're all right,
but these two will have to go.
Sorry, kids.
That's radio, showbiz,
better luck next time.
You see how smart I
was to pay my dues?
Felix, this was
written for four people!
So what's the difference?
This is radio; we'll double!
That's radio; that's
the beauty part!
Okay, everybody set? Cast?
We're the cast. Right.
Sound effects! Music!
(coughing): Okay.
What's that?
(coughing): What's what?
That wheeze.
Oh, nothing, it's
a smoker's cough.
DIRECTOR: One
minute to go, Oscar.
You gonna be all
right? That man's cough,
he's gonna ruin our
show. I'll put it out.
I'll be all right, sure. Okay,
you sure? Okay, let's go.
(coughing loudly)
Get him out of here!
The guy's gonna ruin our show!
Would you mind waiting
outside till this is over, sir?
Do I get paid? Yes,
you'll be paid double!
Just get out. (coughing)
Go, will you?
You know what to do.
You watched the sound
effects; you'll do the same...
But I'm the narrator!
It's a small part. You'll do it.
I noticed that. All right.
Five seconds.
All right, everybody,
cup your ears!
(playing lively organ music)
(organ plays softer)
(crowd cheering)
(organ plays louder)
(organ plays softer)
Hello, sports fans, and welcome
to the new Oscar Madison show,
"Great Moments in Sports!"
Felix Unger, your host.
(organ plays louder)
Right now, the star of our show,
the dean of American's
sportswriters, Oscar Madison!
Your host is Felix Unger.
(organ plays dramatic chord)
(music stops) Thank you.
Let's get right to our story.
The year: 1932.
(shouting): Extra! Extra!
President Roosevelt
elected president!
The place: Chicago.
(making whooshing noises)
(organ playing softly)
(making whooshing noises)
The windy city.
Babe Ruth, then playing for
the Yankees, was looking forward
to that afternoon's World
Series game with the Cubs.
The morning of the
game, as was his wont,
he visited the children's
ward of Mercy Hospital.
(music stops)
(dinging)
Dr. Churn, call Surgery.
Dr. Churn, call Surgery.
And now, the Babe speaks.
(deep voice): Gee,
nurse, it sure is swell
to see all those poor kids in
the hospital looking so perky.
(falsetto): It's you that makes
them feel perky, Baby Ruth.
You're a peachy guy.
Ah, you're a grand
girl to say that.
I'm just glad the good
Lord allows me to be here.
Ah, look, here comes the doctor!
Hello, Doctor.
Say, hello.
I think I'll stop walking now.
I'm glad I caught you
before you went out
to Wrigley Field, Bambino.
Oh, something I can
do for you, Doctor?
There's just one child
who hasn't seen you,
and it'll break his little
heart if we don't stop by.
Aw, sure as shootin'.
Always time for
a kid in trouble.
Right this way, immortal Babe.
(organ plays softer)
And so, fate played a hand
that afternoon in Chicago.
As they approached the bedside
of poor little Billy,
who was ill with a
rare tropical disease
for which there was no cure,
he was sobbing quietly.
(sobbing)
The nurse spoke softly.
(sobbing) The
child stopped crying
when the nurse spoke softly.
(falsetto): Little Billy?
(sobbing, as Billy): Yes?
(falsetto): The immortal
Babe is here to see you.
(sobbing)
(as Billy): Mr. Ruth?
Aw, just call me Babe.
Well, gee willikers, the
great Bandido is here!
That's Bambino!
It sure is nice to see you.
(sobbing)
Hey, kid, you got a radio?
Yeah, it's a keen one.
It doesn't get any static.
Well, you be listening to
the ball game this afternoon,
and when the announcer
tells you I'm up to bat,
I'm gonna point to a spot
in right field grandstands
and hit a home run
right into that spot,
and it's gonna be
just for you, little Billy.
(organ plays louder)
Peanuts! Popcorn!
Get it right here, ice cold
beer, beer, peanuts, popcorn!
(normal voice): Later
that day at the stadium...
(as announcer): Well,
fans, it's the top of the eighth
here at Wrigley Field.
The bases are loaded.
The Babe steps up to the plate.
(crowd cheering)
A hush falls over the crowd.
(crowd quiets)
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
The immortal Babe is pointing
to the right field bleachers,
and I'll bet it means something
to somebody, somewhere.
Consuela gets his signal again.
There's the windup,
and the swing!
(wood clacks)
It's going! It's going
right to the spot where
the Babe pointed.
Oh, and listen to
that crowd roar!
(dogs barking)
Even the dogs were cheering.
(crowd cheering loudly)
That's right. The immortal
Babe hit that home run right
into the right field bleachers
for sick little Billy Pomerantz.
But there's a postscript to
this "Great Moment in Sports,"
and we'll have it for
you in just a minute!
(organ plays fanfare)
(gong reverberates)
(music stops)
Great! Oh, that's great!
Look at the board!
Look at the way
that board's lit up.
I don't know. The story...
It's like a Christmas tree.
You're doing great. Now
just keep the energy up.
Listen, you better look over
the ending, because I rewrote it.
What was the matter with
the ending we had? What?
DIRECTOR: Ready,
Oscar? Let's go.
(gong reverberates)
(organ plays lively music)
And now this is Felix Unger,
and back to Oscar Madison's
"Exceptionally Great
Moments in Sports!"
(organ plays fanfare,
then plays softer)
Well, folks, Babe Ruth
went on to fulfill his destiny
in many more great
moments in baseball,
but poor little Billy
got sicker and sicker
until finally, one day,
when it looked like
the end was near,
in far off England,
in a tiny laboratory,
a miracle took place.
(organ plays "Rule Britannia")
(with Scottish accent):
I say, Dr. Margolis,
I think I've done it.
(British accent): Mm?
What's that, Dr. Fleming?
(as Fleming): I've
discovered penicillin!
(organ plays dramatic flourish)
(music stops)
(quiet muttering)
Yes, folks, penicillin!
The big "P."
(organ plays jaunty tune)
The drug that cured
the rare disease
of little Billy Pomerantz
and millions more like him.
(organ plays lively music)
Felix Unger here.
And as an interesting
footnote, you might like to know
that Billy Pomerantz lives
today quietly in a condominium
in Iron Mountain, Michigan,
the successful head
of the Pomerantz Joke
and Novelty Company,
makers of the world famous
Pomerantz Joy Buzzer.
This is Felix Unger
reminding you
to tune in tomorrow
for Oscar Madison's
"Great Moments in Sports."
This is Felix Unger, your host.
(organ plays fanfare)
(gong bangs loudly)
Well, they got
hundreds of calls.
No kidding.
Isn't that great?!
Correcting the story.
Well, that doesn't matter.
What did they think about it
in the front office?
That's what counts.
Oh, they loved
it... They're going
to keep it as a regular feature.
No kidding!
Only they're going
to use professional
actors. We're out.
Well, I'm a professional actor.
What are you talking about?
I'm a member of the union.
Oh, come on, don't do that!
I can't act in
radio without that!
(crowd cheering and whistling)
(whirring)
(whirring)
(buzzer sounds)
(buzzer sounds)
(buzzer continues)
Come in.
Felix... Hi.
(laughing giddily)
Murray, wipe your feet.
(laughing giddily)
I gotta tell you...
Close the door.
(laughing giddily)
What?
What's all the excitement?
You don't have your radio on.
Where's your radio? Ah.
No, that's a humidor
that looks like a radio.
The football is the radio.
Oscar got it for being an
usher at Dick Butkus's wedding.
OSCAR (over radio): So, if
you want to talk, call 555-6181,
and I'll be happy
to talk to you.
This is Oscar
Madison, talking sports.
I'll be back in a minute.
He'll be back in a minute.
Oscar's got his own radio show.
Yeah!
You know, I was cruising
around in my police car...
You know, nothing to do...
So I thought I'd listen to
some police calls for a while,
but they're boring,
so I changed stations.
There was Oscar...
His own show...
That's a talented guy.
Yeah, but, why
didn't he tell me?
Gee, I could have
gone down there.
I'd have cleaned off his desk,
I'd have wiped off the mike.
I'd have told him
exactly what to do
every single second
he was on the air.
I'd never have left his side.
Why didn't he tell me?
Are you hurt, Felix?
No, I'm not hurt.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
Oh, beltaroonie time
and I could I use one.
Where's mine?
In a pull-top can in
the icebox, I'm sure.
Uh-huh.
Rough day?
Oh, day like any other
day, just a regular day.
What did you do
this regular day?
Covered the Yankee
game, I wrote my column.
Did your radio show...
Yeah, did my radio show...
Oh, boy, no wonder we're
having cocktails for one.
Well, I was hoping
I could keep it
from you for more than one day.
Why do you want
to keep it from me?
A whole city listening in...
I'm sitting here
with the football off.
Because you're a buttinksy
and this is a very
important opportunity for me.
I would love to have a
radio show of my own.
Felix, they're trying all
new formats down there
to fill those two hours.
You see, they tried political
discussions and gardening,
now they're trying
a sports talk show.
I know you'd want to butt in
even though you don't
know anything about sports.
But I know
everything about radio.
You do? Of course I do.
Radio's in my blood, mister.
In college I managed
the radio station
for three years.
I did everything.
I was on the air.
I was the newscaster.
I was the disc jockey.
I wrote the shows.
The whole campus
listened to the Big F.
The Big F?
That's me.
"Turn your dial for a while
"to the voice with a smile...
"F-E-L-I-X marks the spot...
"1290 on your radio dot.
(German accent):
Und dots a lot."
That's college humor.
Yeah, but college humor...
That-that's amateur.
This is the big time.
I was professional.
When I was a kid, I
was on "Let's Pretend."
I played all kinds of parts.
I was a frog once...
Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.
I'm in the Actors Union.
Want to see a union card?
You were a member of
the Radio Actors Union?
I still am.
Paid my dues for 20 years
waiting for radio to come back.
Then when it comes back,
you don't tell me about it.
See, that's another
reason I didn't tell you.
Felix, you gotta understand,
this is not your big moment.
It is my big moment.
Now, I don't want to talk
about my radio show anymore.
Just give me my dinner.
When I finish my martini.
I'll wait.
Then you heard the show, huh?
I thought you didn't
want to talk about it.
I don't.
I don't want to talk about.
Did you like it?
There's only one thing
wrong with your radio show.
What's that?
You don't have any personality.
Look, who's an authority.
(German accent):
"Und dot's a lot."
"Ribbit, ribbit."
(muttering)
What do you mean, what's wrong?
You have to have a
distinctive style for radio.
You have to use your
natural gifts on the air.
Yeah, but you can't see
sloppiness on the radio.
There are other aspects
of your personality
that you could use on the air
like hostility, sarcasm.
You're very good at that.
Those are your strong points.
I'm not kidding.
Nothing succeeds
in boosting the ratings
like a touch of venom,
and that's right up your alley.
You're the best
in the world at that.
I get the feeling
I'm being insulted.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not kidding. I mean it.
Instead of saying,
"Very nice of you to call, sir."
You should say, "Get off
the air, you stupid creep."
That's you.
That's hostility that sells.
People love it. Look
at Howard Cosell.
Are you trying to
tell me people love
to be called stupid creeps?
Within certain limits, yes.
But the main thing is,
you weren't real, Oscar.
You weren't you.
You know, you got a...
See, a couple of people,
they asked some
very stupid questions.
I wanted to let them have it.
Why didn't you let them have it?
Get in there. Zing 'em?
I think you're right, because...
Of course, I'm right. You see,
I wasn't very successful.
I didn't get many phone
calls today. Ah, ah, ah.
I'm gonna write down
some hostile notes right now.
And you said I
couldn't help you.
Give me a second.
Felix, all my
pencils are broken.
Murray did it.
Hello. Hello.
I'm looking for Oscar Madison.
Oh, he'll be back in a minute.
Can I help?
I'm Tina,
Mr. Madison's secretary.
Tina?
Where's Myrna? On vacation.
Ah... Be sure to
get the ashtray.
Ah, you must be Mr. Unger.
Oscar told you
about me, huh? Yeah.
What'd he tell you, a
lot of neat freak jokes?
Yeah. Yeah.
(laughs)
He told you I polish
my shoe trees?
Yeah.
Hat I use the
Waterpik on my toes?
No, he didn't tell me that one.
But that's funny... use
the Waterpik on your toes.
(laughing)
(whistling)
Hello everybody,
this is the Big F.
Felix Unger broadcasting to you
from high atop
the library building.
And now the news
as the time will allow.
Berlin, Germany.
Today, Adolph Hitler
announced his intention
of invading Poland.
"I love to invade," he said,
when questioned
by this reporter.
And now the weather
report for Mexico...
chili today and hot tamale.
(laughs)
And now it... Who are you?
I'm-I'm Felix Unger.
I'm-I'm a personal
friend of Oscar Madison.
Well, I'm Jim Antrobus.
I'm the station manager. Ah!
Now, don't fool with
that gear. Yeah. Okay.
You never can tell
when a mike is live.
Oh, I can always tell a
hot mike when I see one.
So you're in charge here, huh?
You're the man who
decides who goes on
and who goes off?
Yeah.
Me and the listeners. Uh-huh.
See, all those
little buttons there...
Don't touch it!
If a... a program is popular,
they light up like
a Christmas tree.
Ah. It's a sign that
people are trying
to get through on
the phone. Uh-huh.
If no lights blink,
no Christmas.
And no Christmas bonus, huh?
(laughs)
FELIX: Hi!
Hi, Jim.
Good luck on your
show today, Oscar.
I'll be listening in my office.
What are you doing here?
I came down to help
you. You want to help me?
Go sit in the corner somewhere.
I'll be on the air
in a few seconds.
Just remember one
thing... Be mean, Yeah.
Be hostile, Okay.
Be yourself. Yeah, okay, okay.
Ready, Oscar?
Where's your announcer?
What announcer?
To tell the people who you are,
what you're gonna do in the
new format? I don't know, Felix.
I'm not Ted Husing...
You're on the air, Oscar. Go!
Hi there, sports fans!
Don't be down, the man with
the frown is coming around
to drag you down to the ground.
And here he is, Mr. Venom...
Oscar "Bad" Madison.
(grunting)
Uh, welcome to the Oscar Madison
sports talk show.
There's gonna be
a lot of talk tonight.
Some of it you'll like,
and some of it you won't.
Well, either way,
why don't you call 555-6181.
Let me know how
you feel and let us get
to the first phone
call right now. Hello.
Yes, ma'am.
What's on your mind, dummy?
Ooh, listen to this,
hockey puck gang...
FELIX: Here he
comes, he's the champ.
Come on, champ.
The man from Mad...
Mr. Mean himself.
Come on.
That board lit up like
a Christmas tree, boy!
What about the cabdriver
that did this to me
because of what I
said about the Mets?
He's a fan. Yeah,
and the bartender who
recognized my voice
and threw the beer in my face.
Another fan? You're darn right!
The only time you need worry is
when they stop throwing
beer in your face.
(phone rings) Yeah.
Hello.
Yeah, this is Oscar Madison.
Who... Oh! (rapid
chattering over phone)
Calm down, will you?
Look at this, another one.
Wait, whoa!
What? Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
I said water polo
is a dumb sport.
That's right.
Yes, I can swim.
(rapid chattering)
Swim up what?!
(line clicks)
Good-bye.
They love you!
They hate me! No.
They love to hate you.
Look, I never promised
you that they would love you.
I promised you
they'd listen to you.
Yeah, they listened to
me, both fists are clenched.
(buzzer sounds) What's
the matter with you?
I don't know.
(overlapping chatter)
Oscar Madison?
Yes, sir.
(cries out)
Thanks! Keep listening!
Yeah. Bye-bye.
Bye. Huh?
Another fan, huh?
No, that was Antrobus
from the radio station.
We have to cut
out the hostility.
What?
He says people aren't
listening to their radios anymore,
they're breaking them.
He's getting hate
mail from Quakers.
Gotta cut out the hostility.
There's no problem. You adjust.
They don't want hostile...
You give them Mr. Nice Guy.
You said they like
Howard Cosell. No, no.
They don't like
nice guys. Nice...
Nice is always nice.
It's another aspect
of your personality.
You, with that wonderful charm,
that Madison charm,
that million-dollar smile...
Oh, come on, you can't
see a smile on radio.
Oh, sure you can.
Let's see the smile.
There, yeah, that's nice.
Look at that little
bit of sandwich
in the tooth there.
See?
The face with a smile
is the voice with a smile.
You'd better get out of here
before I break
both of your legs.
(laughing)
Sit down.
Now, you're at
the radio station.
You're getting a phone call.
You respond with
charm, with Mr. Nice.
Go ahead. Pick up the phone.
The phone call's
coming in. Hello.
No. Hello.
Hello. Nice.
Here we go, hello. Hello.
You gotta feel it a
little bit from inside.
Hello... Yeah, that's right.
And... Hello, you stupid creep!
Why don't you get off the air?!
Listen, you
pea-brained... Uh-uh-uh.
Charm, be nice. Okay.
Be nice. Well, I'm
very glad you called, sir.
I'm interested in your opinion.
I'm not interested!
I can't talk to somebody
like that. Yes, you can.
You be the gentleman. No, no,
no. Somebody talks to me angry...
Nobody can do it. You be the
gentleman. Of course you can.
Are you an angel or something?
There's nothing to it. No.
Go ahead, you do it! Easy.
I recall my early training...
All right, let me see you do it.
Go ahead. Nothing to it.
Hello. Hello.
Is this Oscar Madison?
Yes, this is he.
Listen, you big-mouthed creep,
you don't know
nothing about nothing!
Why don't you
stop polluting the air
and get off it?!
Why, you ugly little ignoramus.
What happened
to nice and sweet...
Nobody talks to me that way!
Feel better if you
talked about it?
What's there to talk about?
For two days, I've been
Mr. Nice Guy at the station.
I haven't gotten one phone...
Oh, yes, I did get one.
A guy wanted to sell
me mambo lessons.
Oscar, what would you say
if I told you that I
figured out a way
to make the Oscar Madison
show the talk of New York?
I want to tell you
something; listen carefully.
There are two things in this
world I don't need right now.
That's you and a fungus.
Even fungus begins with "fun."
(laughing)
You make me laugh.
Gang, come on!
Morning, Mr. Madison.
Good morning, Oscar.
(laughter)
You brought an
audience to watch me eat?
(laughter)
Bear with me, Oscar.
Believe me, what your
show needs is a return
to those thrilling days of
yesteryear when out of the past
came the thundering
hoofbeats of real live radio!
You ready, cast?
Ready. Ready.
We're on the air!
(humming "William
Tell Overture")
Come on, Jimmy.
We got to get to the
secret headquarters
of the mysterious
Dr. Zwub before midnight
or the entire
world will explode.
Yes, fellows and gals,
it's time once again
for America's great crusader,
the Adventuring Ranger!
Ranger! Ranger!
(making whooshing noises)
I don't believe it.
I wrote this in college.
And now, back to the
Adventuring Ranger!
Ranger! Ranger!
(making whooshing noises)
Let's join the
Adventuring Ranger
and his young cohort,
Jimmy, as they make their way
through the dense
jungle underbrush
towards the castle of
the mysterious Dr. Zwub.
The Ranger speaks.
Just follow along behind, Jimmy.
(straining): I'll
just put my foot
in your cupped hands here,
and lift myself onto the wall.
(straining): Jump up here
and grab the top of the wall.
(grunting)
Oh, stop with the...!
(shouting gibberish)
I can't eat with all
those grunts going on.
You don't like the
Adventuring Ranger?
Ranger! Ranger!
(makes whooshing noises)
Will you whoosh
yourselves out of here?!
Wait outside, cast.
I'll be outside with
you in just a minute.
Oscar, this is real radio.
(door opens, closes)
Felix, that is
hardcore nonsense.
I'm doing a sports talk show,
not a kiddie matinee
from the '40s.
(making whooshing noises)
Wait.
Better, better, better, better.
What's better? What's better?
We won't do the
Adventuring Ranger.
Look how he listens, finally,
to a man who's been
aggravated to death.
I'll write authentic,
factual stories
of great moments in sports.
But you don't know
anything about sports.
I'll make them up!
Now, you know what
you're doing? Felix?
You got all your
music parts? Felix?
Yes. I just read your script,
and this isn't the story
about Babe Ruth and the kid.
The names are wrong,
the places are wrong.
It's not the way it happened.
But it's better than
the way it happened.
This is dramatization
based on rumor.
Yeah, but I don't
know... Madison!
This script is going
out over the air?
Well, it's a new concept.
New concept?!
This is what killed radio.
We're gonna light
up your switchboard.
This is going to make you
the hero of broadcasting.
Who are these people?
This is my cast.
Well, I hope they're
members of the union.
If they're not,
they can't perform.
What kind of bilgewater
are you pumping, mister?
Don't worry, kids, he
can't do anything to us.
I'm sorry, it's union rules.
Union? You say union?
You want to see a union card?
I'll show you a union card.
What does that look like?
That is a union card.
You're darn right.
All right, you're all right,
but these two will have to go.
Sorry, kids.
That's radio, showbiz,
better luck next time.
You see how smart I
was to pay my dues?
Felix, this was
written for four people!
So what's the difference?
This is radio; we'll double!
That's radio; that's
the beauty part!
Okay, everybody set? Cast?
We're the cast. Right.
Sound effects! Music!
(coughing): Okay.
What's that?
(coughing): What's what?
That wheeze.
Oh, nothing, it's
a smoker's cough.
DIRECTOR: One
minute to go, Oscar.
You gonna be all
right? That man's cough,
he's gonna ruin our
show. I'll put it out.
I'll be all right, sure. Okay,
you sure? Okay, let's go.
(coughing loudly)
Get him out of here!
The guy's gonna ruin our show!
Would you mind waiting
outside till this is over, sir?
Do I get paid? Yes,
you'll be paid double!
Just get out. (coughing)
Go, will you?
You know what to do.
You watched the sound
effects; you'll do the same...
But I'm the narrator!
It's a small part. You'll do it.
I noticed that. All right.
Five seconds.
All right, everybody,
cup your ears!
(playing lively organ music)
(organ plays softer)
(crowd cheering)
(organ plays louder)
(organ plays softer)
Hello, sports fans, and welcome
to the new Oscar Madison show,
"Great Moments in Sports!"
Felix Unger, your host.
(organ plays louder)
Right now, the star of our show,
the dean of American's
sportswriters, Oscar Madison!
Your host is Felix Unger.
(organ plays dramatic chord)
(music stops) Thank you.
Let's get right to our story.
The year: 1932.
(shouting): Extra! Extra!
President Roosevelt
elected president!
The place: Chicago.
(making whooshing noises)
(organ playing softly)
(making whooshing noises)
The windy city.
Babe Ruth, then playing for
the Yankees, was looking forward
to that afternoon's World
Series game with the Cubs.
The morning of the
game, as was his wont,
he visited the children's
ward of Mercy Hospital.
(music stops)
(dinging)
Dr. Churn, call Surgery.
Dr. Churn, call Surgery.
And now, the Babe speaks.
(deep voice): Gee,
nurse, it sure is swell
to see all those poor kids in
the hospital looking so perky.
(falsetto): It's you that makes
them feel perky, Baby Ruth.
You're a peachy guy.
Ah, you're a grand
girl to say that.
I'm just glad the good
Lord allows me to be here.
Ah, look, here comes the doctor!
Hello, Doctor.
Say, hello.
I think I'll stop walking now.
I'm glad I caught you
before you went out
to Wrigley Field, Bambino.
Oh, something I can
do for you, Doctor?
There's just one child
who hasn't seen you,
and it'll break his little
heart if we don't stop by.
Aw, sure as shootin'.
Always time for
a kid in trouble.
Right this way, immortal Babe.
(organ plays softer)
And so, fate played a hand
that afternoon in Chicago.
As they approached the bedside
of poor little Billy,
who was ill with a
rare tropical disease
for which there was no cure,
he was sobbing quietly.
(sobbing)
The nurse spoke softly.
(sobbing) The
child stopped crying
when the nurse spoke softly.
(falsetto): Little Billy?
(sobbing, as Billy): Yes?
(falsetto): The immortal
Babe is here to see you.
(sobbing)
(as Billy): Mr. Ruth?
Aw, just call me Babe.
Well, gee willikers, the
great Bandido is here!
That's Bambino!
It sure is nice to see you.
(sobbing)
Hey, kid, you got a radio?
Yeah, it's a keen one.
It doesn't get any static.
Well, you be listening to
the ball game this afternoon,
and when the announcer
tells you I'm up to bat,
I'm gonna point to a spot
in right field grandstands
and hit a home run
right into that spot,
and it's gonna be
just for you, little Billy.
(organ plays louder)
Peanuts! Popcorn!
Get it right here, ice cold
beer, beer, peanuts, popcorn!
(normal voice): Later
that day at the stadium...
(as announcer): Well,
fans, it's the top of the eighth
here at Wrigley Field.
The bases are loaded.
The Babe steps up to the plate.
(crowd cheering)
A hush falls over the crowd.
(crowd quiets)
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
The immortal Babe is pointing
to the right field bleachers,
and I'll bet it means something
to somebody, somewhere.
Consuela gets his signal again.
There's the windup,
and the swing!
(wood clacks)
It's going! It's going
right to the spot where
the Babe pointed.
Oh, and listen to
that crowd roar!
(dogs barking)
Even the dogs were cheering.
(crowd cheering loudly)
That's right. The immortal
Babe hit that home run right
into the right field bleachers
for sick little Billy Pomerantz.
But there's a postscript to
this "Great Moment in Sports,"
and we'll have it for
you in just a minute!
(organ plays fanfare)
(gong reverberates)
(music stops)
Great! Oh, that's great!
Look at the board!
Look at the way
that board's lit up.
I don't know. The story...
It's like a Christmas tree.
You're doing great. Now
just keep the energy up.
Listen, you better look over
the ending, because I rewrote it.
What was the matter with
the ending we had? What?
DIRECTOR: Ready,
Oscar? Let's go.
(gong reverberates)
(organ plays lively music)
And now this is Felix Unger,
and back to Oscar Madison's
"Exceptionally Great
Moments in Sports!"
(organ plays fanfare,
then plays softer)
Well, folks, Babe Ruth
went on to fulfill his destiny
in many more great
moments in baseball,
but poor little Billy
got sicker and sicker
until finally, one day,
when it looked like
the end was near,
in far off England,
in a tiny laboratory,
a miracle took place.
(organ plays "Rule Britannia")
(with Scottish accent):
I say, Dr. Margolis,
I think I've done it.
(British accent): Mm?
What's that, Dr. Fleming?
(as Fleming): I've
discovered penicillin!
(organ plays dramatic flourish)
(music stops)
(quiet muttering)
Yes, folks, penicillin!
The big "P."
(organ plays jaunty tune)
The drug that cured
the rare disease
of little Billy Pomerantz
and millions more like him.
(organ plays lively music)
Felix Unger here.
And as an interesting
footnote, you might like to know
that Billy Pomerantz lives
today quietly in a condominium
in Iron Mountain, Michigan,
the successful head
of the Pomerantz Joke
and Novelty Company,
makers of the world famous
Pomerantz Joy Buzzer.
This is Felix Unger
reminding you
to tune in tomorrow
for Oscar Madison's
"Great Moments in Sports."
This is Felix Unger, your host.
(organ plays fanfare)
(gong bangs loudly)
Well, they got
hundreds of calls.
No kidding.
Isn't that great?!
Correcting the story.
Well, that doesn't matter.
What did they think about it
in the front office?
That's what counts.
Oh, they loved
it... They're going
to keep it as a regular feature.
No kidding!
Only they're going
to use professional
actors. We're out.
Well, I'm a professional actor.
What are you talking about?
I'm a member of the union.
Oh, come on, don't do that!
I can't act in
radio without that!
(crowd cheering and whistling)