The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 12 - Oscar in Love - full transcript
Oscar finds a girl and wants to become a family man.
When are my pants
gonna be ready?
When I'm ready.
You got a hot date tonight,
huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who, double-jointed Sybil?
I only took her out once. Yeah.
No, I'm dating Anita.
Anita? Yeah.
The harpist. You remember her?
Oh, I'm crazy about that girl.
She was the only date
you ever brought here
who used silverware.
You're going to take a nice girl
out like that with this tie?
What's the matter with
that tie? It's wrinkled.
No, it isn't. Look, come
here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, lean over.
What are you gonna
do, iron my tongue?
Here, you want
to iron it, iron it.
Go ahead.
That's the kind of tie
you're wearing? Yeah.
Anita's a widow,
isn't she? Yeah.
You know what, we get
along so great. Yeah?
Felix, I really think I'm
crazy about her, I mean it.
You must be if you asked
me to iron your pants. Yeah.
Should I iron my
"best man" suit?
Will you cut that out?
You know how I
feel about marriage.
Just give me the pants.
Why are you so nervous?
Why are you so nervous?
Because her kids are
coming home from camp today,
and I never met them, see?
Ah. I want to make
a good impression.
How long does it take
before the zipper cools off?
I want to make a good
impression on her kids.
Her kids will be
crazy about you.
Don't worry. And if they're not?
How about if the kids are not?
It could ruin my whole
relationship with her, you know?
I forgot that Anita
has two children.
Let... let me ask you
something. What?
Why do you use a spoon
to put on your shoes?
Because a fork makes
four holes in my socks.
I had to ask.
Felix, you got any candy?
Kids love candy.
Oh, no, you can't
buy a child's affection.
You win a child.
You tell them jokes.
Oh, I heard a great one
about three sailors
on a raft that... No?
You tell them a children's joke.
You know what the mayonnaise
said to the icebox? No, what?
"Close the door, can't
you see I'm dressing?"
You get it? I get it, I get it.
You know what
children like? What?
They like little
pieces of business.
My kids used to love this.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Hope you like our show. ♪
Oscar?
He can't wait to
show it to the kids.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(doorbell ringing)
WOMAN: It's open!
(door opening)
OSCAR: Hey... Hi, Oscar.
Ooh.
Guess what? I got good
news for you. What?
You're gonna get a chance
to get acquainted with my kids.
Well, I expected that.
But I'm not gonna be here.
I didn't expect that.
Where are you going?
I've got to play the harp
with a chamber
music group tonight.
Their regular harpist
sprained her fingers
trying to play "Flight
of the Bumblebee."
Oh.
Mark, Laurie,
Mr. Madison's here!
You think it's a good
idea leave me alone
with the kids the first time?
I mean, I haven't had a
chance... Don't worry about it.
Oscar, this is Mark.
Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.
And this is Laurie.
Hello, sweetheart.
How are you, Laurie? Good night.
Good night, darling.
Now, don't bother
Mr. Madison too much.
9:00 bedtime. Have they
eaten and everything?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Do they have to be changed?
I mean, what do you
have to...? (laughs)
Just have a good time.
(door opens)
(door closes)
Well, I couldn't wait
to meet you guys.
Your mother told
me all about you,
so I know everything,
you know, except camp.
Did you have a good time
at camp? What's it like?
Where'd you go at camp?
You kids ever blink?
Hey, why don't
we sit down, talk?
We'll get to know each other.
Come on. Everybody
sit on the couch.
Come on, Laurie, Mark.
Now let us see.
What are we gonna talk about?
Uh, you a baseball fan?
Yeah. Yeah?
What's your favorite
team? Dodgers.
I'm a Met fan, but I
used to be a Dodger fan,
you know when they had
Campanella and Snider
and Robinson. Who are they?
Well, you wouldn't
know who they were...
Laurie, what do you like?
I like Robert Redford.
Robert Redford.
Me, too.
And we're back to staring.
Is there something
you both like together?
I like magic.
Yeah, me, too.
Magic? You know any magic?
No, I don't know any magic.
I know a good joke.
I know... What did the salad
dressing say to the icebox?
"Shut the door. I'm mayonnaise."
See, I told Felix that
was a rotten joke.
Oh, I got a good
thing. Wait a minute.
Oh... this one. Here we go.
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Hope you like our show! ♪
(door closes)
That's magic.
I made two kids disappear.
"Then you take the
magic handkerchief
"and you wave it over your arm
and you say the magic words,
'Abracadabra alakazam, long
red worms, fried eggs and ham.'"
Hey!
(laughing)
Hey, buddy. Where you been?
I had to photograph the
Senior Citizens Parade.
They marched up Fifth Avenue?
No, just across Fifth Avenue.
What are you doing?
Well, you know how I bombed
with the kids the
other day, right? Yeah.
So I went out and bought
this magic kit right here.
Huh. Yeah.
"Become a professional magician.
"Learn the secrets
of the Great Mellman.
Rabbits not included." Yeah.
What do you do?
Watch, I'll show you.
You pick a card. Any card, okay?
Don't tell me what it is.
Just pick a card,
any card, an...
Pick a card.
Don't let me influence
you. Pick a card.
There you go. That's
the queen of spades.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Two of hearts.
You picked the wrong
card. This is the one I like.
What do you do with
this? Never mind that.
Listen, you got a dollar on you?
I'm gonna show you a
trick that will amaze you.
It'll amaze you. I
only have two tens.
All right, ten, the same size.
Okay, now watch.
I'll show you the hand is
really quicker than the eye.
This is amazing.
What are you doing?
Don't worry. What
are you doing?!
What's the matter,
I'm telling you.
Watch, when I put it
together, it's going to be terrific.
Now you fold the
corners like that.
You put in your... these
magic... "Allazammy!"
Watch it, all one piece.
Oh, look at that!
You think money grows
on trees? It worked before.
You got another ten?
Let me try it again.
No, I'm not going to
give you my other ten.
I've got to paste
this together now.
Wait a minute. Let me
show you another trick.
You'll see, it's worth it.
See this? It's full, right?
Watch this. You're
gonna love this.
You're gonna love this.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna
dirty your table.
Look out.
(drumroll)
Oh... bah!
(laughing)
How did you do that?
Want to try it?
That was amazing.
(sputters)
It's awful to live with a slob.
(cheeping)
Yeah.
Will you tell us just
one more story?
Yeah, just one.
Please! Oh, it's too late.
No, you've got to go to
bed. Come on, please.
All right, one quickie,
okay? All right, all right.
Then you go to bed,
you promise? Okay.
Okay, let me see...
Once upon a time,
there was a bookie
named 52nd Street Irwin
and he was a very sad man.
How come?
Because a new law had been
proclaimed throughout the land.
It was called
"offtrack betting."
All sorts of people
with two dollar bills
would enter buildings
that had... Oscar!
Hi, Mom.
What are you two doing still up?
Well, I guess that's my
fault. I'm sorry I kept them up.
Oh, go on up to bed now.
I'll be up in a
second to tuck you in.
But we want to find out what
happened to 52nd Street Irwin.
Well, what happened
was that Irwin met a guy
named Oscar Madison, and he
won so much money from him,
he lived happily ever after.
Now go to bed.
Good night. Good night, kids.
You got back early.
You didn't.
Well, I wasn't on a date, if
that's what's bothering you.
I was out working.
What's bothering me
is you left the kids alone.
I didn't leave them alone.
I left them with Pamela.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
Say, where is Pamela, by
the way? I sent her home.
Why?
Because she's too
young to be babysitting.
Oscar, that's the same
babysitter I used last week.
Yeah, but that was different.
The only thing that's different
is that you're getting
hooked on my kids.
So?
And they're getting
hooked on you.
So? There's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
Yeah, there is.
Oscar, I've got to talk to you.
Do you know that those children
moped around the house
here all day today? Why?
Because you didn't
call them last night
from Pittsburgh the
way you promised.
Oh, you see, the game
went into extra innings.
By the time I got back
to the hotel, it was so late,
I figured they were asleep.
Yeah, well, they'd
waited up for you.
Aw.
They must have forgiven me.
We had such a good time.
We played games
and laughed and...
Yeah, but that's
only going to make
the hurt even deeper next
time you disappoint them.
Oscar, I-I know
you didn't mean it,
but, you know, children
need consistency.
They don't really know
where you fit into their lives.
Wow.
The last thing I want
to do in this whole world
is to hurt the kids.
You mean, you think
it's gonna happen again?
Well, if our relationship
stays the same, yes.
Wow.
Well, I... I guess you're right.
I guess we ought to
break up then, huh?
Unless you could think
of some alternative.
No.
I guess you're right.
Well... Well, good
night, I guess.
Oscar? Yeah?
Are you all right?
Oh sure, I'm all right.
I mean, I'm not a kid.
If a thing's over, it's over.
You know, whatever
is for the best.
I'll show you, look.
I'll do the thing.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Hope you liked our show! ♪
Good night.
Ah!
I got it, I got it.
Oscar, watch me.
I finally figured out
how to do the milk trick.
Watch.
Oh, I had it, I
had it, I had it.
Honestly, I had it.
How did it go?
(sighs)
It's all over.
What, what, what?
How come?
She had a date, huh?
Yeah, yeah, and you
punched the guy, huh?
No.
He punched you? No.
She punched you?
No, it was nothing
like that. What?
She said the kids were
getting too involved with me
and me with them
and it was getting kind
of heavy and things.
So... why does it
have to be all over?
Didn't I just tell you?
It's about the kids
and everything.
Well... isn't there
another alternative?
What?
What?!
Well, what's the next step?
What?
Marriage.
Are you out of your mind?!
No.
What are you talking
about, marriage?
A girl, kids, me and a, and a...
I usually have five
or six good reasons
why I shouldn't get married.
Now I don't even have one.
Of course you
don't 'cause I'm right.
You know, maybe you are.
You are right.
That's what she
meant by an alternative.
I didn't even know...
I got such a hang-up
about marriage,
I didn't even see what
she was driving at.
You're right, Felix, I'm
going to propose to her.
I am going to propose to her.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
When? Pretty soon, pretty soon.
I am, I really am.
Pretty soon.
FELIX: Oscar.
(knocking)
Come on, get up.
Hey, come on. Oscar.
Betting windows
close in three minutes!
Give me number three
four times... Come on,
come on, get up, get up.
Why are you waking
me up so early?
What's the matter with you?
What is it?
Were you serious when you said
you wanted to propose to Anita?
Of course I was serious.
Well, come on, get up.
She's on her way
over here now. Why?
'Cause I called her.
What'd you do that for?
Well, you said pretty
soon, didn't you?
Now it's pretty soon.
Yeah, okay, I want
to do it, I'll do it...
All right, you want to do
this on an empty stomach
or you want me to prepare
some breakfast for you?
No, no, it's all right, I
got something to eat.
Remember you told me to save it?
He'll make a fine husband.
(buzzer sounds)
Anita. (giggles)
Hi. Hi, Felix.
How are you? Fine.
I'm not too early, am I?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oscar's getting dressed. Oh.
Oh, my, my, how nice you look.
(giggles) Thank you.
(giggles)
Have you any idea why
Oscar wants to see you?
No. You were very mysterious
on the phone. (giggles)
Is it something funny?
It's something happy.
Before Oscar comes out,
there's something
I-I ought to say to you.
I've lived with Oscar
for five years now,
and I think I'm not going
too far when I say that...
he's a perfect person.
He's kind, he's warm,
he's intelligent,
he's considerate.
And he's neat?
He, he, he, he...
he, he has neatness in him.
He... he, he really...
ex-except for his room,
which is an absolute disgrace,
but aside from that, well,
his clothes leave a little...
What am I doing? I'm bad-
mouthing my best friend.
I'll ruin the marriage.
What marriage?
Didn't you know that Oscar
wants to propose to you?
What?! Oh, I did it again!
My big mouth!
Oh, I'm so s... Oh,
please don't turn him down.
I'd feel awful. Please?
He'll make a wonderful
husband and a fine father.
What do you say?
Well, I guess I'd say yes.
Oh!
Oh!
Bless you. Bless you.
But don't tell him I...
Don't tell him I
spilled the beans, No.
Because he'd never forgive me.
He wants to propose himself.
Hi!
Congratulations! You're
going to get married!
Excuse me, Speed. I
want to go talk to Oscar.
Excuse me, will you?
Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.
(sobbing) Oh, come
on, will you cut it out.
Come on.
My old friend Oscar,
getting married.
So sudden. I mean,
I said to my wife,
I said, "Oscar's
getting married."
She said, "Oscar who?"
I said, "Oscar Madison."
She said, "No!" I said, "Yes!"
Oh, will you cut it out?
Where is your wife?
She didn't want to come.
She said this was just an excuse
to go out and play cards.
Is it?
No, I'm really gonna
get married, Murray.
Then it's okay to cry?
Yes, it's all right to cry,
but cry over there, will you?
Hey, Speed. Long time.
Hey, Oscar. How are you?
Hey, you're really going
through with this, huh? Yeah.
You know 52nd Street Irwin?
The bookie. Yeah?
He's laying eight to five
you're not going
through with this wedding.
Well, he's crazy, because
I am going through with it.
Are you sure, sure?
Yeah!
Because I want to make a bet.
A bet?
Yeah. I haven't won
a bet in 15 weeks.
Well, you can get even
now, 'cause it's a sure thing.
Yeah. Where's the phone?
Right over there.
Go ahead, buddy.
Hey, Felix!
Well... How do you feel?
I feel good. Good.
How do you feel?
I may throw up. I'm telling you.
Give me the ring.
I gave it to you.
Give me the ring.
You didn't give it to me.
No, I didn't give it
to you. Here it is.
It's got mustard on it.
I had a hot dog before.
You're a crazy...
Excuse me, sir.
You must be the minister.
I hope so, or I've got
a very dull wardrobe.
(laughing)
I love a good joke.
I'm gonna get my cameras.
Wait a minute. You
can't take pictures.
You're the best man.
You said you wanted
the best photographer
in New York, didn't
you? That's me.
I'm doing it for cost.
We got some telegrams.
Oh, yeah? From who?
Well, here's one from
Florida from Little Joe.
Oh, that's Joe Boop.
What's he say?
It says, "Dear Oscar.
You getting married?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
Ha! I love it!
What else you got?
Well, here's one
from Vinnie. Yeah?
"Dear Oscar. Getting married?
Is it a cold day
in July? Ha-ha."
Another "ha-ha."
And here's one from
your mother in Europe.
"Dear son. A very funny
joke to play on an old woman."
No, “ha-ha”?
Oscar, you've got a reputation.
Oh, well, they're only
kidding. They got...
Come on. Come on. It's time.
Time for what?
To get married! Oh.
Come on, let's go.
Get upstairs. I'm sorry.
I'll see you later, dear.
Okay. Here we go.
Oscar's awfully
anti-marriage. No, he's not.
Felix, I'm not pressuring
him into this, am I?
No, of course not.
You're not that
kind of girl. I did it.
All right, everybody. All right!
It's time to get married.
So, Speed, if
you'll come up here.
Murray. Murray,
you'll stand right here.
Everybody, if you'll just
give us a little bit of room.
Everybody, the great
moment has come.
Mr. Minister, you'll
stand right there.
All right, everyone.
I think we're ready.
(harp glissando)
(rotary phone dialing)
(harp playing "Here
Comes the Bride")
(shutter clicks)
SPEED: Irwin, she's at the post.
She's rounding the banister,
and she's heading
down the homestretch.
Would you... Speed!
Oh, sorry. I'll call you back.
Could, uh... we
please start again?
Uh, would you go
back to the gate... uh...
Uh... steps?
(clearing throat)
All right.
Everyone, ready?
Pluck it, Mabel.
(playing “Here Comes the Bride”)
(shutter clicking)
Dearly beloved
and friends, we...
I'm sorry, could
we hold it a minute?
She has to go, darling.
No, that can wait.
No, no, this is an emergency.
She just told me.
We'll be right back.
If we're taking a
break, I'd like to go, too.
(harp glissando)
Do you, Anita, take Oscar as
your lawfully wedded husband?
Madam?
Uh, I-I do.
Do you, Oscar, take Anita
as your lawfully wedded wife?
I do. I do.
Certainly.
If there be anyone here
who objects to this union,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
(clears throat)
I think that I had better speak.
I beg your pardon.
Well, I-I don't want to
forever hold my peace,
so, uh, Oscar,
would you talk to me
for a moment, please,
privately? Excuse me.
We'll be right back, folks.
What's the matter, honey?
It's you! You're
scared to death.
No, I was ready to
go through with this.
You were praying for
something to happen.
Like what? Anything.
An earthquake.
I don't... Oh, now,
that's not true.
Oh, Oscar, you were
pressured into this,
first by Felix, and then by me.
You didn't even propose.
Yeah, but I meant to.
I know you did.
And I know you meant to try
to make the
marriage work, but...
look, let's be honest
with each other.
I'm no more ready
for this than you are.
You're not ready for
this marriage either?
I was so happy to find a man
who loved my children
and whom they loved,
that, well, I just
ignored the fact
that-that we're really not ready
for this kind of a commitment.
At least not yet.
You know, Anita...
I kind of feel the same way.
You're some kind of
woman, you know that?
And you're a sweet guy.
(kids laughing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I have everybody's
attention, please.
I have an announcement to make.
Would you come down here?
Look, after
carefully considering
what we were about to do,
Anita and I jointly
decided that...
there isn't gonna
be any wedding.
Oh, I knew it. It's a fix.
Come on, Speed.
No!
Look, it's nothing personal.
You're great guests, and
if we ever do get married,
we're certainly
gonna invite you back.
Thank you very much.
(rotary phone dialing)
Well, folks, that's the way
the wedding cake crumbles.
Your presents will
be returned to you.
No reception?
I ate light.
Felix, I'm sorry to
disappoint you like this.
I'm gonna save you, buddy.
Folks, come back, come back.
We had planned
some entertainment
for the reception, but so
that it won't be a total loss,
we'll have the
entertainment now.
Now, first on the bill will
be The Amazing Unger!
No applause, please.
We have here a
simple pitcher of milk.
Will you give me
a drumroll, please.
(harp glissando)
(harp continues playing)
(applause)
Hey, hey, hey.
And so, your mommy
and I decided that
for the time being I'd
still be Uncle Oscar,
but I'm going to be
visiting a lot, right?
And we're gonna go
to the fair on Saturday.
You're gonna see
that great magician,
and we're gonna see a
Robert Redford movie.
Right?
Good night, Laurie.
So long, Mark. Good night.
I'll see you.
Thanks, Felix.
They're great kids.
I'll call you Friday.
I'll be here.
Oscar, I'm... I'm
genuinely sorry.
Tell me the truth,
is it my fault?
I pushed you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is the best thing
for everybody, honest.
Who knows? Maybe some
day we might, you know.
I hope so.
Listen. You can do
something to help me, though.
Anything. Anything at all.
Could you lend me $300?
Because of the...
the carpet I ruined?
No, no.
I bet Irwin I would go
through with the wedding.
You bet on your own wedding?
Well, wait till you hear the
odds he gave me... five to two!
I thought it was a sure
thing! I didn't know...
gonna be ready?
When I'm ready.
You got a hot date tonight,
huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who, double-jointed Sybil?
I only took her out once. Yeah.
No, I'm dating Anita.
Anita? Yeah.
The harpist. You remember her?
Oh, I'm crazy about that girl.
She was the only date
you ever brought here
who used silverware.
You're going to take a nice girl
out like that with this tie?
What's the matter with
that tie? It's wrinkled.
No, it isn't. Look, come
here, come here, come here,
come here, come here, lean over.
What are you gonna
do, iron my tongue?
Here, you want
to iron it, iron it.
Go ahead.
That's the kind of tie
you're wearing? Yeah.
Anita's a widow,
isn't she? Yeah.
You know what, we get
along so great. Yeah?
Felix, I really think I'm
crazy about her, I mean it.
You must be if you asked
me to iron your pants. Yeah.
Should I iron my
"best man" suit?
Will you cut that out?
You know how I
feel about marriage.
Just give me the pants.
Why are you so nervous?
Why are you so nervous?
Because her kids are
coming home from camp today,
and I never met them, see?
Ah. I want to make
a good impression.
How long does it take
before the zipper cools off?
I want to make a good
impression on her kids.
Her kids will be
crazy about you.
Don't worry. And if they're not?
How about if the kids are not?
It could ruin my whole
relationship with her, you know?
I forgot that Anita
has two children.
Let... let me ask you
something. What?
Why do you use a spoon
to put on your shoes?
Because a fork makes
four holes in my socks.
I had to ask.
Felix, you got any candy?
Kids love candy.
Oh, no, you can't
buy a child's affection.
You win a child.
You tell them jokes.
Oh, I heard a great one
about three sailors
on a raft that... No?
You tell them a children's joke.
You know what the mayonnaise
said to the icebox? No, what?
"Close the door, can't
you see I'm dressing?"
You get it? I get it, I get it.
You know what
children like? What?
They like little
pieces of business.
My kids used to love this.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Hope you like our show. ♪
Oscar?
He can't wait to
show it to the kids.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(doorbell ringing)
WOMAN: It's open!
(door opening)
OSCAR: Hey... Hi, Oscar.
Ooh.
Guess what? I got good
news for you. What?
You're gonna get a chance
to get acquainted with my kids.
Well, I expected that.
But I'm not gonna be here.
I didn't expect that.
Where are you going?
I've got to play the harp
with a chamber
music group tonight.
Their regular harpist
sprained her fingers
trying to play "Flight
of the Bumblebee."
Oh.
Mark, Laurie,
Mr. Madison's here!
You think it's a good
idea leave me alone
with the kids the first time?
I mean, I haven't had a
chance... Don't worry about it.
Oscar, this is Mark.
Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you.
And this is Laurie.
Hello, sweetheart.
How are you, Laurie? Good night.
Good night, darling.
Now, don't bother
Mr. Madison too much.
9:00 bedtime. Have they
eaten and everything?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
Do they have to be changed?
I mean, what do you
have to...? (laughs)
Just have a good time.
(door opens)
(door closes)
Well, I couldn't wait
to meet you guys.
Your mother told
me all about you,
so I know everything,
you know, except camp.
Did you have a good time
at camp? What's it like?
Where'd you go at camp?
You kids ever blink?
Hey, why don't
we sit down, talk?
We'll get to know each other.
Come on. Everybody
sit on the couch.
Come on, Laurie, Mark.
Now let us see.
What are we gonna talk about?
Uh, you a baseball fan?
Yeah. Yeah?
What's your favorite
team? Dodgers.
I'm a Met fan, but I
used to be a Dodger fan,
you know when they had
Campanella and Snider
and Robinson. Who are they?
Well, you wouldn't
know who they were...
Laurie, what do you like?
I like Robert Redford.
Robert Redford.
Me, too.
And we're back to staring.
Is there something
you both like together?
I like magic.
Yeah, me, too.
Magic? You know any magic?
No, I don't know any magic.
I know a good joke.
I know... What did the salad
dressing say to the icebox?
"Shut the door. I'm mayonnaise."
See, I told Felix that
was a rotten joke.
Oh, I got a good
thing. Wait a minute.
Oh... this one. Here we go.
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪
♪ Hope you like our show! ♪
(door closes)
That's magic.
I made two kids disappear.
"Then you take the
magic handkerchief
"and you wave it over your arm
and you say the magic words,
'Abracadabra alakazam, long
red worms, fried eggs and ham.'"
Hey!
(laughing)
Hey, buddy. Where you been?
I had to photograph the
Senior Citizens Parade.
They marched up Fifth Avenue?
No, just across Fifth Avenue.
What are you doing?
Well, you know how I bombed
with the kids the
other day, right? Yeah.
So I went out and bought
this magic kit right here.
Huh. Yeah.
"Become a professional magician.
"Learn the secrets
of the Great Mellman.
Rabbits not included." Yeah.
What do you do?
Watch, I'll show you.
You pick a card. Any card, okay?
Don't tell me what it is.
Just pick a card,
any card, an...
Pick a card.
Don't let me influence
you. Pick a card.
There you go. That's
the queen of spades.
Hey, that's pretty good.
Two of hearts.
You picked the wrong
card. This is the one I like.
What do you do with
this? Never mind that.
Listen, you got a dollar on you?
I'm gonna show you a
trick that will amaze you.
It'll amaze you. I
only have two tens.
All right, ten, the same size.
Okay, now watch.
I'll show you the hand is
really quicker than the eye.
This is amazing.
What are you doing?
Don't worry. What
are you doing?!
What's the matter,
I'm telling you.
Watch, when I put it
together, it's going to be terrific.
Now you fold the
corners like that.
You put in your... these
magic... "Allazammy!"
Watch it, all one piece.
Oh, look at that!
You think money grows
on trees? It worked before.
You got another ten?
Let me try it again.
No, I'm not going to
give you my other ten.
I've got to paste
this together now.
Wait a minute. Let me
show you another trick.
You'll see, it's worth it.
See this? It's full, right?
Watch this. You're
gonna love this.
You're gonna love this.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna
dirty your table.
Look out.
(drumroll)
Oh... bah!
(laughing)
How did you do that?
Want to try it?
That was amazing.
(sputters)
It's awful to live with a slob.
(cheeping)
Yeah.
Will you tell us just
one more story?
Yeah, just one.
Please! Oh, it's too late.
No, you've got to go to
bed. Come on, please.
All right, one quickie,
okay? All right, all right.
Then you go to bed,
you promise? Okay.
Okay, let me see...
Once upon a time,
there was a bookie
named 52nd Street Irwin
and he was a very sad man.
How come?
Because a new law had been
proclaimed throughout the land.
It was called
"offtrack betting."
All sorts of people
with two dollar bills
would enter buildings
that had... Oscar!
Hi, Mom.
What are you two doing still up?
Well, I guess that's my
fault. I'm sorry I kept them up.
Oh, go on up to bed now.
I'll be up in a
second to tuck you in.
But we want to find out what
happened to 52nd Street Irwin.
Well, what happened
was that Irwin met a guy
named Oscar Madison, and he
won so much money from him,
he lived happily ever after.
Now go to bed.
Good night. Good night, kids.
You got back early.
You didn't.
Well, I wasn't on a date, if
that's what's bothering you.
I was out working.
What's bothering me
is you left the kids alone.
I didn't leave them alone.
I left them with Pamela.
It's the same thing, isn't it?
Say, where is Pamela, by
the way? I sent her home.
Why?
Because she's too
young to be babysitting.
Oscar, that's the same
babysitter I used last week.
Yeah, but that was different.
The only thing that's different
is that you're getting
hooked on my kids.
So?
And they're getting
hooked on you.
So? There's nothing
wrong with that, is there?
Yeah, there is.
Oscar, I've got to talk to you.
Do you know that those children
moped around the house
here all day today? Why?
Because you didn't
call them last night
from Pittsburgh the
way you promised.
Oh, you see, the game
went into extra innings.
By the time I got back
to the hotel, it was so late,
I figured they were asleep.
Yeah, well, they'd
waited up for you.
Aw.
They must have forgiven me.
We had such a good time.
We played games
and laughed and...
Yeah, but that's
only going to make
the hurt even deeper next
time you disappoint them.
Oscar, I-I know
you didn't mean it,
but, you know, children
need consistency.
They don't really know
where you fit into their lives.
Wow.
The last thing I want
to do in this whole world
is to hurt the kids.
You mean, you think
it's gonna happen again?
Well, if our relationship
stays the same, yes.
Wow.
Well, I... I guess you're right.
I guess we ought to
break up then, huh?
Unless you could think
of some alternative.
No.
I guess you're right.
Well... Well, good
night, I guess.
Oscar? Yeah?
Are you all right?
Oh sure, I'm all right.
I mean, I'm not a kid.
If a thing's over, it's over.
You know, whatever
is for the best.
I'll show you, look.
I'll do the thing.
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da,
da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Hope you liked our show! ♪
Good night.
Ah!
I got it, I got it.
Oscar, watch me.
I finally figured out
how to do the milk trick.
Watch.
Oh, I had it, I
had it, I had it.
Honestly, I had it.
How did it go?
(sighs)
It's all over.
What, what, what?
How come?
She had a date, huh?
Yeah, yeah, and you
punched the guy, huh?
No.
He punched you? No.
She punched you?
No, it was nothing
like that. What?
She said the kids were
getting too involved with me
and me with them
and it was getting kind
of heavy and things.
So... why does it
have to be all over?
Didn't I just tell you?
It's about the kids
and everything.
Well... isn't there
another alternative?
What?
What?!
Well, what's the next step?
What?
Marriage.
Are you out of your mind?!
No.
What are you talking
about, marriage?
A girl, kids, me and a, and a...
I usually have five
or six good reasons
why I shouldn't get married.
Now I don't even have one.
Of course you
don't 'cause I'm right.
You know, maybe you are.
You are right.
That's what she
meant by an alternative.
I didn't even know...
I got such a hang-up
about marriage,
I didn't even see what
she was driving at.
You're right, Felix, I'm
going to propose to her.
I am going to propose to her.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
When? Pretty soon, pretty soon.
I am, I really am.
Pretty soon.
FELIX: Oscar.
(knocking)
Come on, get up.
Hey, come on. Oscar.
Betting windows
close in three minutes!
Give me number three
four times... Come on,
come on, get up, get up.
Why are you waking
me up so early?
What's the matter with you?
What is it?
Were you serious when you said
you wanted to propose to Anita?
Of course I was serious.
Well, come on, get up.
She's on her way
over here now. Why?
'Cause I called her.
What'd you do that for?
Well, you said pretty
soon, didn't you?
Now it's pretty soon.
Yeah, okay, I want
to do it, I'll do it...
All right, you want to do
this on an empty stomach
or you want me to prepare
some breakfast for you?
No, no, it's all right, I
got something to eat.
Remember you told me to save it?
He'll make a fine husband.
(buzzer sounds)
Anita. (giggles)
Hi. Hi, Felix.
How are you? Fine.
I'm not too early, am I?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oscar's getting dressed. Oh.
Oh, my, my, how nice you look.
(giggles) Thank you.
(giggles)
Have you any idea why
Oscar wants to see you?
No. You were very mysterious
on the phone. (giggles)
Is it something funny?
It's something happy.
Before Oscar comes out,
there's something
I-I ought to say to you.
I've lived with Oscar
for five years now,
and I think I'm not going
too far when I say that...
he's a perfect person.
He's kind, he's warm,
he's intelligent,
he's considerate.
And he's neat?
He, he, he, he...
he, he has neatness in him.
He... he, he really...
ex-except for his room,
which is an absolute disgrace,
but aside from that, well,
his clothes leave a little...
What am I doing? I'm bad-
mouthing my best friend.
I'll ruin the marriage.
What marriage?
Didn't you know that Oscar
wants to propose to you?
What?! Oh, I did it again!
My big mouth!
Oh, I'm so s... Oh,
please don't turn him down.
I'd feel awful. Please?
He'll make a wonderful
husband and a fine father.
What do you say?
Well, I guess I'd say yes.
Oh!
Oh!
Bless you. Bless you.
But don't tell him I...
Don't tell him I
spilled the beans, No.
Because he'd never forgive me.
He wants to propose himself.
Hi!
Congratulations! You're
going to get married!
Excuse me, Speed. I
want to go talk to Oscar.
Excuse me, will you?
Hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.
(sobbing) Oh, come
on, will you cut it out.
Come on.
My old friend Oscar,
getting married.
So sudden. I mean,
I said to my wife,
I said, "Oscar's
getting married."
She said, "Oscar who?"
I said, "Oscar Madison."
She said, "No!" I said, "Yes!"
Oh, will you cut it out?
Where is your wife?
She didn't want to come.
She said this was just an excuse
to go out and play cards.
Is it?
No, I'm really gonna
get married, Murray.
Then it's okay to cry?
Yes, it's all right to cry,
but cry over there, will you?
Hey, Speed. Long time.
Hey, Oscar. How are you?
Hey, you're really going
through with this, huh? Yeah.
You know 52nd Street Irwin?
The bookie. Yeah?
He's laying eight to five
you're not going
through with this wedding.
Well, he's crazy, because
I am going through with it.
Are you sure, sure?
Yeah!
Because I want to make a bet.
A bet?
Yeah. I haven't won
a bet in 15 weeks.
Well, you can get even
now, 'cause it's a sure thing.
Yeah. Where's the phone?
Right over there.
Go ahead, buddy.
Hey, Felix!
Well... How do you feel?
I feel good. Good.
How do you feel?
I may throw up. I'm telling you.
Give me the ring.
I gave it to you.
Give me the ring.
You didn't give it to me.
No, I didn't give it
to you. Here it is.
It's got mustard on it.
I had a hot dog before.
You're a crazy...
Excuse me, sir.
You must be the minister.
I hope so, or I've got
a very dull wardrobe.
(laughing)
I love a good joke.
I'm gonna get my cameras.
Wait a minute. You
can't take pictures.
You're the best man.
You said you wanted
the best photographer
in New York, didn't
you? That's me.
I'm doing it for cost.
We got some telegrams.
Oh, yeah? From who?
Well, here's one from
Florida from Little Joe.
Oh, that's Joe Boop.
What's he say?
It says, "Dear Oscar.
You getting married?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
Ha! I love it!
What else you got?
Well, here's one
from Vinnie. Yeah?
"Dear Oscar. Getting married?
Is it a cold day
in July? Ha-ha."
Another "ha-ha."
And here's one from
your mother in Europe.
"Dear son. A very funny
joke to play on an old woman."
No, “ha-ha”?
Oscar, you've got a reputation.
Oh, well, they're only
kidding. They got...
Come on. Come on. It's time.
Time for what?
To get married! Oh.
Come on, let's go.
Get upstairs. I'm sorry.
I'll see you later, dear.
Okay. Here we go.
Oscar's awfully
anti-marriage. No, he's not.
Felix, I'm not pressuring
him into this, am I?
No, of course not.
You're not that
kind of girl. I did it.
All right, everybody. All right!
It's time to get married.
So, Speed, if
you'll come up here.
Murray. Murray,
you'll stand right here.
Everybody, if you'll just
give us a little bit of room.
Everybody, the great
moment has come.
Mr. Minister, you'll
stand right there.
All right, everyone.
I think we're ready.
(harp glissando)
(rotary phone dialing)
(harp playing "Here
Comes the Bride")
(shutter clicks)
SPEED: Irwin, she's at the post.
She's rounding the banister,
and she's heading
down the homestretch.
Would you... Speed!
Oh, sorry. I'll call you back.
Could, uh... we
please start again?
Uh, would you go
back to the gate... uh...
Uh... steps?
(clearing throat)
All right.
Everyone, ready?
Pluck it, Mabel.
(playing “Here Comes the Bride”)
(shutter clicking)
Dearly beloved
and friends, we...
I'm sorry, could
we hold it a minute?
She has to go, darling.
No, that can wait.
No, no, this is an emergency.
She just told me.
We'll be right back.
If we're taking a
break, I'd like to go, too.
(harp glissando)
Do you, Anita, take Oscar as
your lawfully wedded husband?
Madam?
Uh, I-I do.
Do you, Oscar, take Anita
as your lawfully wedded wife?
I do. I do.
Certainly.
If there be anyone here
who objects to this union,
let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.
(clears throat)
I think that I had better speak.
I beg your pardon.
Well, I-I don't want to
forever hold my peace,
so, uh, Oscar,
would you talk to me
for a moment, please,
privately? Excuse me.
We'll be right back, folks.
What's the matter, honey?
It's you! You're
scared to death.
No, I was ready to
go through with this.
You were praying for
something to happen.
Like what? Anything.
An earthquake.
I don't... Oh, now,
that's not true.
Oh, Oscar, you were
pressured into this,
first by Felix, and then by me.
You didn't even propose.
Yeah, but I meant to.
I know you did.
And I know you meant to try
to make the
marriage work, but...
look, let's be honest
with each other.
I'm no more ready
for this than you are.
You're not ready for
this marriage either?
I was so happy to find a man
who loved my children
and whom they loved,
that, well, I just
ignored the fact
that-that we're really not ready
for this kind of a commitment.
At least not yet.
You know, Anita...
I kind of feel the same way.
You're some kind of
woman, you know that?
And you're a sweet guy.
(kids laughing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I have everybody's
attention, please.
I have an announcement to make.
Would you come down here?
Look, after
carefully considering
what we were about to do,
Anita and I jointly
decided that...
there isn't gonna
be any wedding.
Oh, I knew it. It's a fix.
Come on, Speed.
No!
Look, it's nothing personal.
You're great guests, and
if we ever do get married,
we're certainly
gonna invite you back.
Thank you very much.
(rotary phone dialing)
Well, folks, that's the way
the wedding cake crumbles.
Your presents will
be returned to you.
No reception?
I ate light.
Felix, I'm sorry to
disappoint you like this.
I'm gonna save you, buddy.
Folks, come back, come back.
We had planned
some entertainment
for the reception, but so
that it won't be a total loss,
we'll have the
entertainment now.
Now, first on the bill will
be The Amazing Unger!
No applause, please.
We have here a
simple pitcher of milk.
Will you give me
a drumroll, please.
(harp glissando)
(harp continues playing)
(applause)
Hey, hey, hey.
And so, your mommy
and I decided that
for the time being I'd
still be Uncle Oscar,
but I'm going to be
visiting a lot, right?
And we're gonna go
to the fair on Saturday.
You're gonna see
that great magician,
and we're gonna see a
Robert Redford movie.
Right?
Good night, Laurie.
So long, Mark. Good night.
I'll see you.
Thanks, Felix.
They're great kids.
I'll call you Friday.
I'll be here.
Oscar, I'm... I'm
genuinely sorry.
Tell me the truth,
is it my fault?
I pushed you?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is the best thing
for everybody, honest.
Who knows? Maybe some
day we might, you know.
I hope so.
Listen. You can do
something to help me, though.
Anything. Anything at all.
Could you lend me $300?
Because of the...
the carpet I ruined?
No, no.
I bet Irwin I would go
through with the wedding.
You bet on your own wedding?
Well, wait till you hear the
odds he gave me... five to two!
I thought it was a sure
thing! I didn't know...