The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Bigger They Are - full transcript

(jazzy tune playing)

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of the Association

for the Advancement of
Commercials and Advertising,

I would like to welcome you

to the tenth annual
Dink Award Dinner.

As you know, each year,
we honor the best commercial

with this trophy, The Dink.

Named in honor of our
father of modern advertising,

Sidney B. Dink... (applause)

who, in 1855,



revolutionized
our infant industry

with his slogan, "You
want to buy this?"

Hi, Felix.

(chuckles)

Murray.

What are you doing here?

I just finished a report for a
car accident down the street.

Ah.

Nobody hurt, I hope.

No, I'm fine.

The patrol car will
be fixed by tomorrow.

Hey, did you get your award yet?

No, they've just
started. (applause)

Ah.



Where's Oscar?

He's not here.

Oh, late again, huh?

(chuckling): Good old Oscar.

No, he's not coming. (applause)

Lost his ticket, huh?

He tore up his ticket
and threw it in my face.

Oh.

He said I was a low,
despicable, vile man,

completely devoid of
morals, ethics and scruples.

(applause)

Don't feel bad, Felix.
You know how Oscar is.

He gets mad, and
he says dirty things.

The only difference is
that this time he's right.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

I did a terrible thing, Murray.

M.C.: Ladies and gentlemen...

You want to talk about it?

You could tell
me; I'm your friend.

I broke the law.

Face the wall, Unger!

Murray!

Oh.

I'm sorry, Felix.

I'm like a coiled spring.

(muttering)

Go ahead, tell
your story, citizen.

(applause)

Well, this whole mess
began about six months ago.

I-I took a photographic
assignment

at the Fat A Way
diet pill company.

I know you and Felix have
been awfully good to me,

but I really want
out of the contract.

All right, Ben,

let's look over your hill and...

Let's-let's look over your
hill and see where you stand.

You want out of the contract
you just signed, right?

Yes, I do.

As they say in Paris,
France, "uh-uh."

Does Felix know about this?

No.

Then I don't want to
know about it either.

Hello, Mr. Hooper.

HOOPER: Hi, Felix.

Here's your 1:00 appointment.

Well, how's my favorite cousin?

Oh, not too good, Felix.

Aw, what's the matter?

You're all upset, aren't you?

Relax, relax.

Everything's
going to be all right.

Here, have a taffy.

Your "before" picture
came out absolutely great.

Is it all right if I
cover this concept?

HOOPER: Sure.

Look at this.

Look at that... Every
chin in perfect focus.

I can't wait till you
take off the weight

and we take the "after" picture.

Felix, I give you four
bells for that shot.

(rings four times)

Four bells, wow!

It's a crying shame
we can't use the picture.

Why not?

Ask your chubby cousin here.

He doesn't want to lose
the weight with my pills!

Ben, why?

Oh, he's got a chance to
get into professional wrestling.

Going to call himself Super Fat.

FELIX: Super Fat?

What is this, a joke?

No.

I gave your little
cousin Dimples here

$3,000 advance.

He spent $2,500 of it
on sequined leotards.

Ben!

Oh, shame on you.

Well, I could be
a contender, Felix.

Oh, you're going to
prison for this, lardo.

Even if they have to knock
out a wall to fit you into a cell!

Prison? This is business!

Wait, now, let's-let's-
let's not be hasty.

Ben, let me talk to
Mr. Hooper alone.

It's not too far from ad
man to mad man, you know.

You're the best cousin
a cousin ever had.

Here, have another taffy.

He's been a
problem in the family

ever since he was this big.

You don't have
to tell me about fat.

I'm a former fatty!

I worked hard to
lose this waistline.

Then you should have
some compassion.

Felix, the ad is due
in the printer's tonight.

I've got a board of directors
waiting to sit on my bell.

Either you find
another tubbo fast,

or your cousin becomes
the fat man of Alcatraz.

I've got one. I've
got... Got one what?

I got a fat guy for you.

Well, where is he? Right here.

Fat guy in your wallet? Yes.

(rings twice) Two bells for
the fat guy in your wallet.

(laughs) Look.

(laughs)

Now, that's championship chubs.

(chuckles)

That-that's the
way I used to look.

Who is it? That's
my roommate, Oscar.

You mean you live in the
same barn with this thing?

No, no, that-that was
taken eight years ago.

He's lost a lot of weight.

What, he's one of
us now? Yeah, yeah.

Well, why do you still
carry this picture with you?

For laughs.

I show it at parties.

(laughs)

You're really a good friend.

Oh, yeah.

He loves it when
I tease him. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, if he's thin
now, how can we use him?

Simple.

We use this picture as "before."

Then we take a picture of
him as he is now for today.

That will be the "after," see?

It's simple.

That's totally
dishonest, isn't it?

We can't do that.

I like it.

But, uh, is it ethical?

Uh, sure, it's ethical.

A lot of people do
it. Then we'll do it.

Sure. Well, get your
roommate on the phone,

have him sign a release.

Aw, he... I can't.

He's out of town.

I feel like a rat in a maze,

butting my head against walls!

First, you bring your
fat cousin in here!

He quits on me!

We decide on your
roommate, and he's out of town!

You're going to
drive me to food.

Okay.

Soon as he gets
back, I'll talk him into it.

I can talk him into anything.

He can have the $500
your cousin left over.

For $500, he'd pose naked.

This is a family pill.

(door closes)

Let me see, what
took place here?

Let me run it
through my computer.

(making whirring noises)

Gonna use the cousin, he's
too fat, he's not fat, gonna go.

(making whirring noises)

Gonna use the
roommate, he's okay,

he's out of town,
we'll use him anyway.

(making whirring noises)
Gonna have the $500 extra.

I did good. Five bells for me.

(rings five times)

Oh.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.

301 pounds of fun.

All of it potato chips.

(door opens)

Hi, Felix.

There he is, Mr. Travel Guy!

Welcome home!

How was San Francisco?

I think I got trolley lash.

(chuckles)

Where's your luggage?

I didn't take any.

Except socks, that's all.

You didn't take any
luggage to San Francisco?

Well, I was only
there for two days.

Did you at least
take a toothbrush?

Of course, of course
I took a toothbrush.

(laughing)

You're some guy, you know that?

You're easygoing.

Will-o'-the-wisp Madison.
Yes, I'm will-o'-the-wisp.

Look at this, a warning from
Blanche's lawyer. (laughing)

$280 back alimony
or I go to jail.

I got your favorite snack:
cookies and ketchup.

Sit down, relax.

Dip away. I'll get you a beer.

(laughing)

Felix.

What?

What?

What is this?

What's what? This.

Oh, that! Yeah! Oh!

Yeah, that's, uh, that's a
blowup of an ad I'm working on.

Felix, under those glasses
and mustache there is me.

(laughing)

That's you all over.

(laughing) Felix, what is

this old photo of
me doing in this ad?!

Hey, is this all over New York?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Next week.

Felix, no next week.

I don't want the
whole world to know

that once I looked
like Moby Dick.

(laughing)

Moby Dick. That's r...

You-you're something.

I want an explanation, Felix.

Isn't that just like you?

You're so predictable.

You come in, you
see that picture

and you want an explanation.

(chuckles)

I tell you, Oscar, the
things that happen to me,

I should write a book.

Isn't it interesting how the
most complex things in life

turn out to be simple.

You know my cousin Ben?

Ben? Yeah.

Oh, Ben, you know, Ben, Ben.

Yeah, well, don't mince words.

Uh, the beach ball.

Yeah.

Anyway, if we don't use
that ad, Ben goes to jail.

Sounds reasonable.

Why didn't you ask me
before you did a thing like this?!

Didn't I try.

Why don't you tell me

where you're
staying out of town?

Guess.

(laughing)

Oscar, three words:
trust me, please.

Felix, 19 words:

I'm never gonna do it if you
dance the Bolero on my nose! No!

That was 11 words, but
I'm not count... you're mad.

It means a lot to me.
It's very important.

It means a lot to me that
nobody sees this photo!

This happened
when I got my divorce.

I was upset, I ate a
lot, I mean, I got fat.

It was embarrassing.

I mean, I didn't wear glasses
and a mustache for nothing.

Please. No!

Now, either you kill that ad
or I kill you, you understand?

All right. (muttering)

Just tell Mr. Hooper you
don't want the money, that's all.

Again, money. You didn't
mention money before.

Spanish-American
War you mention,

but you didn't mention money.

What are you doing? Cross
your name off the envelope.

Don't cross my name off.

That's like reading my mail.

That says Oscar Madison.

Must be something in there...

There's money in here.

There's $500?

Yeah.

Just for being El Colosso here?

Yeah.

What's the catch?

No catch.

You mean, that's
all there is to it?

Yeah. Well, besides
that I have to take

a picture of you
now, and that's "after."

You see? Before and after.

Oh.

Why doesn't it
sound honest to me?

Isn't that funny?

It didn't sound honest
to me either at first,

but it's absolutely ethical.

Lots of people do it.

And it is a good product.

That's important, it is.

All right. Listen,
I'll go along with it,

but I don't want to
do anything dishonest.

I don't blame you. Okay.

Listen, can you keep
this off the books,

so I won't have to declare it?

Hey. Got your message
and came right over.

Oh, I-I've got good
news, I've got bad news.

Yeah? Yeah? First, the bad news.

What? Advertising
Committee is sending

a man named Doyle over to
make sure our ad isn't fraudulent.

But you said a
lot of people do it.

Well, of course; that's
why they're trying to stop it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I
knew we'd get in trouble.

(honking, clearing throat)

I knew it, I knew it. Just
try to help somebody.

(honking)

(honking)

(honks)

I've been such a
good boy all my life.

Felix, the... the
investigator isn't concerned

about the magazine ad.

He isn't? No.

Then what am I carrying on for?

He's concerned about
the TV commercial.

What? What TV commercial?

The one that you're
going to direct.

Me?

Oh, boy, I'm going to
direct a TV commercial!

That's the good news.
Give yourself a bell.

Oh, wow!

Yes.

Our magazine ad was such a smash

we bought time on every
TV station in New York.

A TV comm... Yeah.

We'll use a different
model then, huh?

Oh no, we'll still use
your former blimp roomie.

We've already got billboards up

saying "O.M. is coming to TV."

Well, how can we do that?

He's not, he's not fat anymore.

He's one of us. I won't do it.

Felix, how is it going to look?

The investigator's
on his way over...

We cancel the commercial...

not too kosherinio.

Boy, this is my Watergate.

(honks)

We're in big trouble.

Now relax.

Felix, I've got
it all figured out.

I've got a great idea.

I love it. How many bells?

No! Don't touch my bell...

not unless I give
you permission.

Give this, to Oscar.

Oh, oh, no, he'd never
do this in a hundred years.

There's another
$500 in it for him.

That's his price.

Wrong color.

Who needs a tie?

(humming tune)

(imitating Bogart):
Play it again, Sam.

Hi, Felix. Hi.

Like it?

Hard to believe, isn't it,

you can get a fit like this
right off the rack, huh?

Only $29.29.

Too loud for you?
You don't like it, eh?

No, it's...

It's clean... that's
the important thing.

I'm glad you like it.

I've got a blind date with a
swinging stewardess tonight.

She'll be here in about an hour.

Here? Yeah.

Who fixed you up?

The travel agent.

They'll do anything
to get you to fly.

Oh, you dirty guy... Yeah.

Felix, I want to tell you how
I thank you for that money,

it came at the right time.

I paid all my bills. I got
this beautiful jacket and...

well, I had enough left to...

well, get you a
little something,

to show my appreciation.
Oh, no, now...

Aw, come on, now,
you've got to accept it.

Come on, will ya?

Oh, that's very,
very... Hmm... Eh?

Isn't... isn't that different?

It's too nice to
wear. Oh, come on.

Well, Santa isn't dead.

You're kidding, my name
again on an envelope? Yeah.

Money. Uh-huh.

I can't believe it. $500?!

Mr. Hooper at Fat A Way
said he thought you deserved it.

Again, I don't have
to do anything?

No, well... It's
just one little thing.

Give me back my tie.

Don't be shy.

This is ridiculous!

It's not ridiculous.
You're being ridiculous.

Now, come on.

(laughing)

(Felix laughing) OSCAR:
Will you stop laughing?!

(laughing)

You look great!

I feel like I've been blown
up by a bicycle pump.

No, it's wonderful.
No, it's not.

This reminds me of
when I was really fat.

Now I'm gonna go change.

No, you took the
money, didn't you?

(laughing) Oh, stop laughing.

The man will be
here, the investigator.

It's only for 30 minutes.

30 minutes is too long to
look like Mount McKinley.

(door buzzer)

There he is. Now
come on, put it on.

(door buzzer) Now,
now, big smile. Think fat.

What do you want
me to do... think thin?

Hello, Mr. Hooper.

Hi, Felix.

Let's get this over with.

Oh, this is Mr. Doyle, huh?

(drunkenly): Absolutely not.

I'm Mr. Doyle.

Why don't you step up and
meet our model, Mr. O.M.

Yea, Mr. Doyle, why don't
you go take a hike around him?

Okay.

FELIX: Is he in any
condition to make a judgment?

The best possible condition.

I took him to every bar in town.

Four bells for el drunko.

Nothing phony about
this guy, huh, Mr. Doyle?

He's got his own zip code.

(laughing)

I'd like to see Evel
Knievel jump over him.

Ding, ding.

Would you mind
taking off your coat?

Uh, Mr. Doyle, how about
a little trip to the well?

Right down the hall.

Oh, not that kind
of well... this well.

Here you are, Mr. Doyle,
how about in a glass this time.

It'll be unique. Okay.

This way, come on.

(door buzzer)

Oh, that must be my date!

All right.

Hello. Hello, I'm Ann.

Come in, Ann.

Nice to meet you.

You're cute. Thank you.

Boy, am I relieved.

You don't know I was so
scared to take this blind date.

I meet so many kooks and
weirdos, you know? Uh-huh.

You look real
straight, Mr. Madison.

I'm straight as an arrow,
and I'm not Mr. Madison.

You're not? No.
This is Mr. Madison.

Oh!

Hello.

Hi.

My friend said you
were quite a guy.

And I'm cute, too.

See, I'm not really this fat.

Well, it doesn't really matter,

as long as you're
not a cuckoo bird.

Oh no, no, no. I'm not a
cuckoo bird, and see... I'm thin.

I'm wearing a fat suit.

ANN: A fat suit? Yeah.

Wait, I'll show you.

I'll show you my
real... Put it back...

No, I can't, I gotta show it...

She thinks I'm fat. I'm not fat.

Excuse me, I've got
an unscheduled flight.

He's really a fat
man. No, I'm not.

Do you want to see
my real stomach?

Good-bye, weirdos!

Why do you always
act crazy in front of girls?

Okay, Mr. Doyle,
you've seen him walk.

You've heard him talk.

We'll be on our way now.

Why, you don't even have to be here
tomorrow when we shoot the commercial.

Oh, that's too bad.

You got the well?

Yeah, got it right here.

Good work, four bells.

(door buzzes four times)

That Hooper is a real weirdo.

He's a real weirdo?

I'm walking around here dressed
up like Dumbo with a bow tie,

and he's a weirdo? (laughing)

I've never been
so humiliated in...

I'll never see that girl again.

Take it easy, big guy.
Don't call me that anymore!

And what is this thing
about a commercial

that Doyle was talking about?

It's, nothing to
get excited about.

When you talk like that, I
really get excited. Now what is it?

Nothing, nothing. What?

A little 60-second
thing we're doing.

You wear your fat suit... No,
no, we're not... I'm not doing it!

$500. I don't care,
I wouldn't do it.

For $500? No, I
wouldn't do it for nothing!

All right, will you listen to me,
please? Am I a dignified man?

What's that got to
do with anything?

Perhaps even bordering on
the stuffy? Way over the border.

I'm the kind of man who takes
pride in his dignity, right? So?

I'm groveling. Look at
me, I'm on my knees.

Have you ever seen me
like this? Please, Oscar...

You're making
a fool of yourself!

My cousin Ben will
go to jail. I'll go to jail.

You'll go to jail
as an accomplice!

Think of tunneling out with Ben.

(laughing) All
right, I'll do it!

What are you laughing about?

If you could see what I see!

You look like the Goodyear
Blimp with a hat on it!

You ready?

Oscar, you standing by? Yes.

All right, now, crew,
give me your attention.

We're working with a
very inexperienced actor.

I don't know if he's got more
than one real take in him,

so we've got to
rehearse this on film.

Everybody, all
right... position.

Cue cards a little higher.

Roll 'em.

(clearing throat)

Action!

Hello, I'm a
dramatization of a doctor.

I've been called to
the home of Mr. O.M.

of the Bronx.

A meticulously well-kept
place as you can see.

I'm here on behalf of the
Fat A Way Diet Pill Company,

the company that
offers relief to this man

and others like him.

In three months, through
the miracle of Fat A Way,

this person will become an
individual instead of a group.

I wonder, do any of you
have these problems?

Do you have trouble
touching your toes?

Are you unable to
raise your hands?

This could cost you
your life in a holdup.

Is sitting down a problem?

Is getting up also a problem?

Are you embarrassed
to tap dance?

When was the last time
you tried a cartwheel?

If you have these
difficulties, try Fat A Way.

Watch for Mr. O.M.,
in three months,

when he will touch his
toes, sit, dance and cartwheel

his way into your heart.

And, cut!

Thank goodness that's over.

One more time, fellas,
he blew it. What?!

You didn't do the cartwheel.

Felix, I'm gonna kill you!

Take five, crew.

Gosh, Felix,
that's a great story.

I'm really quite touched.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and now in the category of the
Best New Product Commercial

of the Year, the nominees are:

ANNOUNCER: Eggmeyer's
Easyflow Ketchup...

(applause)

Superstick Glue... (applause)

and Fat A Way Diet Pills.

(applause)

And now the winner

of the Best New Product
Commercial of the Year.

(fanfare plays)

The winner is...
Fat A Way Diet Pills.

Felix, I'm proud of
you. Better take a seat.

Accepting the award,
Mr. Lyle Hooper,

President of Fat A Way

and the director
of the commercial,

Mr. Felix Unger.

Mr. Unger, this
is yours, I believe.

Thank you.

We at Fat A Way feel honored.

This is just round one
in our fight against fat.

Thank you.

(applause)

Ditto.

No, no ditto.

I don't deserve this.

I'm a fake; I'm a fraud.

O.M. is not really a fat man.

He's got a bit of a pot,
but not 300 pounds worth.

I-I used trickery and
guile and deception

to get him to do
that commercial.

It's a very good product.

It's helped thousands of people,

but that doesn't
justify what I did.

I don't deserve your applause
and I-I don't deserve your Dink.

(audience murmuring)

Oscar, you came!

I've been here all the time.

I didn't want you to see me.

I knew you couldn't
accept that award.

Oh, Oscar, you're
a... you're a real friend.

I-I don't know how
you put up with me,

all the things I
make you go through.

Stop it, will ya? I'm so sorry.

I promise you, I'll never
embarrass you again.

Will you forget it?!

All right, you're a buddy.

Listen, one thing... What?

Sunday is my little
boy Leonard's birthday.

He's having some
kids over. Uh-huh.

Would you get into the fat
suit and come to the party?

The kids would love it!

Really they would. Would you?

Please. They'd get
such a laugh out of it!