The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 21 - Laugh Clown, Laugh - full transcript

(sirens wailing in distance)

RICHARD DAWSON (over TV): All
right, you know how we play this game.

Then I needn't
explain it any further.

(doorbell buzzes)

Come on in.

Oh, hi, Oscar.

Hey, Murray, how you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm watching, uh, Masquerade
Party with Richard Dawson.

There was a
message at the station

you wanted to talk
to me... what's up?



Oh, I wanted to tell
you some good news,

but you didn't have
to come down here.

No, it's okay. What's
the good news?

You're not gonna believe this.

I was just picked to cohost

a series of talk shows
with Richard Dawson.

(beeping)

What is that?

What's what? (beeping)

Beep, beep, beep.
What is that beep, beep?

Oh, that.

That's just a police
emergency call.

(beeping continues) Go ahead.

Aren't you gonna answer it?



In the middle of your story?

If I answer it,
I'll have to go in.

Now, come on, finish up.

Oh, well, Richard Dawson and I

are gonna cohost ABC's
Wide World of Entertainment,

see, for about a week.

(beeping continues)

Could you talk faster, Oscar?

Well, we're gonna do
a show about sports.

We're gonna do a
show about magic.

We're gonna do a
show about new talent...

Things like that, see?

Does Felix know?
Hurry up. No, no.

See, he doesn't know
that I'm cohosting.

He knows I'm cohosting,
he doesn't know

who I'm cohosting with
because he just found...

Will you stop with the finger?!

Is that it?

That's it!

Oh, thanks for hurrying it up.

Listen, you may have
saved someone's life.

(beeping continues)

Congratulations, Oscar!

These things are
such a nuisance!

Nag! Nag! Nag!

Are you eating
crackers on the sofa?

Sweeping it off.

Oh, look what he's doing.

What are you watching?

Masquerade Party,
Richard Dawson. Turn it off.

(turns off TV) I don't want
that trash in this house.

What are you talking about?

He's gonna cohost
a show with me.

Who is? Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson?! Yeah.

Richard Dawson, feh!

Feh?

What kind of reaction is that?

That man ruined my life.

I'm gonna enjoy
working with him.

(theme music playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.

Look, I still don't understand

why you're mad
at Richard Dawson.

I don't want to
talk about... Ow!

You ran over my foot!

And he ran over my life.

I'm very upset about it.

All right, maybe if
you talked about it,

you'd feel better
about it. (scoffs)

Come on.

You know that when
I was in the Army,

I was stationed in England.

Yeah, that's where you developed

an allergy to fog.

That's right.

I was in Special Services.

I was in the
educational division.

I had a real career going
in Army training films.

You had a career in Army films?

Are you kidding?

I wrote, directed and starred
in How to Take a Shower.

Talk about typecasting.

I revolutionized
the sex hygiene film.

I was the first
one to use the line:

"Men, don't let
this happen to you."

That was yours?

Absolutely.

Everybody stole that line!

The Nazis used it,
the Japanese used it...

Every army used it...
Except the Israelis.

They changed it to:

"Serves you right."

Anyway, I branched out.

I began to do camp shows.

I was really big.
I did my songs.

I was a showstopper.
I didn't know that.

Absolutely. I was good.

I was really good.

And then I picked
up this partner,

this nowhere British Lieutenant.

Richard Dawson.

You guessed it.

I picked him up out of nowhere,

I-I taught him
everything he knows.

He rode on my
coattails for over a year.

Then a producer saw us and
signed him up for a USO tour.

I was shipped off to Greenland.

I ended up doing jokes
for Eskimos for two years.

Boy, that's a rough audience.

You kidding?

Try to get laughs out of
an audience that's fishing.

Yeah, but I still
don't understand

why you're mad at him.

What did Dawson do?

Because I started him off.

I gave him, I...

Everything he is he owes to me.

I... So what do you expect?

I could have been
one of the greats.

It could be these blue
eyes that are back.

But you have brown eyes.

Whatever.

But I just never got a chance.

Oh, well.

C'est la vie.

Some are winners,
some are losers.

Some give, some take.

Felix, look, Dick
and I are doing

a whole show on
finding new talent.

You want me to ask him to

let you on, do your
stuff? No, no, thank you.

I will not be beholden to him.

I'm buried now,
and I'll stay buried.

Okay, suit yourself. However...

if it should come up,
without being pushy...

I-I don't like pushy.

Yeah, but suppose he says no?

Then be pushy.

(TV playing)

Can't you watch
someplace else, Murray?

Where?

I don't have a TV
set in my patrol car,

and the one at the
police station got stolen.

Can't you watch at home?

I can't go home, I'm on duty.

There's a magician on tonight.

All right, I'll watch for
a little while with you.

I love magic.

Felix, don't tell the guys, but
sometimes I like to pretend

that my nightstick
is a magic wand

and my patrol car is a pumpkin.

Watch the show, Murray.

Thank you, Joe Namath,
and thanks for the pantyhose.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that takes care of

the sports section of the show.

And now I'd like to
introduce my cohost,

who was gracious enough
to let me appear with him,

a great warm welcome for a
great comedian, Richard Dawson.

(applause, piano
fanfare playing)

You're fantastic.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen, thank you.

(applause fades)
Ah, you're too kind.

Oh, I see the fish died.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have the world's
greatest magician.

Will you join me?

Nice welcome, Mr. Mark Wilson!

(applause, piano playing)

How are you?

Absolutely empty.

Now, help me
pull the cloth over.

All right, I've always
wanted to help this...

All right, over the
box, down the sides.

♪ Ta-da. ♪
Okay.

All right. Now,
let's revolve it.

Once around. All right.

Keep going around with this?

(laughs)

There we go. All right.

Now, here comes the magic. Okay.

One, two, three... hup!

Hey! (applause)

Fantastic!

Wow, what a pretty lady!

Ah, isn't she pretty?

Say, that is fantastic.

Now, the greatest
trick you've ever seen,

and, Oscar, you are gonna help.

Oh, yeah, I got
to go. All right?

Let's get this off.
Come right over here.

Behave yourself, Oscar.

Now, if you could just
recline on this board

right here, okay?

Put your head up there.

Okay. All right?

Good, fine.

Make yourself comfortable?

Yeah. Okay.

I feel like I'm posing
for a nude centerfold.

Here we go. Charley horse.

(piano playing)

Now, watch. What
are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?
There's a ladder under your feet.

And it's coming out.

You're on one ladder, Oscar.

You're kidding.

Now, watch this.

What's happening now?

Now, here comes the hard part.

Up!

What's the in-flight movie?

You're floating in the air.

Third floor, lingerie.

Traffic on the George Washington
Bridge light and moderate.

There he is!

(applause)

Now down. Dear Mom,

let me have a safe landing; I
promise I'll never lie anymore.

I'll help you with the
dishes, I'll do everything, Ma.

Please, let it be
a safe landing.

I got you ready here.

Just about, just about down.

There he is! Hey.

(applause)

DAWSON: Mark Wilson,
ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you, Mark!

Fantastic!

Isn't that amazing? Oh!

Boy, if he could
just float the dollar.

(both laugh)

Listen, there's something
I have to tell you.

Now, it's like
playing dirty pool

doing it on the
show, but... What?

Well, we have a mutual friend.

What, the little
blonde at reception?

I've seen her once.
(laughing): No, no, no.

No, no. Felix Unger.

What?

Felix Unger.

Felix...

I used to do an act with a guy
in England named Felix Unger.

That's the guy.

Oh...

We used to do camp
shows for the troops.

Uh-huh.

We were the worst
act in the world.

The most horrible act in
the history of show business.

It was that bad?

Bad?

We finished a show one night,

General Patton came
backstage and slapped us both.

(laughing)

Twice!

That's... that's not true!

We had a wonderful act!

Where you going?

To pick up the
gauntlet he threw down.

(door slams)

He's so tidy.

Let's hear it for Wanda
and her wonder birds,

ladies and gentlemen!

Beautiful! Thank you!

Don't cage the beasts.

We got one minute.

I want to thank you.
You made it easy, Dick.

You've been a delight.
FELIX: Stop the clock! Stop it!

I demand equal time! Let me on.

Here we are. OSCAR:
Sounds like Felix Unger.

DAWSON: Hey!
Fe... Oh, hey, hold it.

Let him in, please.
Let him in, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my ex-partner,

Lieutenant Felix Unger!

(applause)

Put it there, pal.

I wrote this in the
cab on the way over.

"Dear Mr. Dawson,
"I take umbrage.

"As a retired captain

"of the famous 22nd
training film platoon,

"I say we did not
have a rotten act.

"At least not my half of it.

"I demand that you
allow the American public,

"Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch,

to decide... the way
12,000 Eskimos did."

That's easy, we're
taping tomorrow, right?

Yeah. The New Talent Show.

How would you like to be
on The New Talent Show?

You're on. All
right, and we're off.

Good night,
everybody. (applause)

Night. Good night, everybody.

Murray, use your coaster!

He can't see me.

You're going to love this.

Remember, Ed, we're going
to do a double somersault

this time.

Are you ready to catch me?

Hey, you ready for
us? Felix, how are you?

We're ready.

But this is our big finish.

Well, I just have to
audition this act, okay?

Sure. Be right with
you. Go ahead, darling.

(piano playing dramatically)

Where are you, Mabel? Ed...

I told you, we'll have
to get a smaller partner.

Yeah, they don't make
wood the way they did before.

But I love the act... I love the
way you were standing there.

You would've caught
her. It was marvelous.

Thank you very, very much.

I really appreciate
it. Thank you.

It was good. I got
a lot of acts to see.

Show me what you've got, okay?

Where's Dawson? Well, he's gonna
be late... but just go ahead anyway.

Well, you know that
Dawson and I work together.

He's not gonna
perform with you tonight.

I know that... that's why
I brought Murray along.

Murray's gonna be Dawson?

That's... No. No, no.

The mistake I made was in
giving Dawson all the funny lines,

all the yuks... That's
what made him a star.

So I'm gonna do Dawson's
part, and he's gonna do my part.

Yeah, I'm gonna
play straight to Felix.

He's gonna do all the funny
faces. Okay, show me what you got.

Okay, here. Here's
a list of our bits.

Give me these... Here. Okay.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, we're gonna
take a little walk

down one of America's
very ordinary streets,

and see the kinds
of people we run into.

Hey, there's an Indian!

Hi. Are you an Indian, sir?

How.

You live on the reservation?

And how.

What do you do
on the reservation?

Make-um arrows.

For hunting?

No, for one-way street.

Indian bit.

MURRAY: Well,
now, as we walk along,

we see a farmer.

Hi there. Howdy, bub.

You're a farmer? Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What kind of
farmer? Potato farmer.

Everybody in these
parts... potato farmer.

MURRAY: Uh-huh. What kind
of crop do you have this year?

Oh, terrible, terrible...
Rained all the time.

Rain, nothing but rain,
rain, rain, rain, rain, just rain.

Then the tractor got
loose, ran all over the place.

What'd that leave you with?

Hundred acres of
mashed puh-tay-tas.

What'd he say, Murray?

Hundred acres of
mashed puh-tay-tas.

That's what I thought he said.
You can't do this kind of stuff!

Why? Are you crazy?
It stinks, that's why!

This is good stuff. How
can you say a thing like...

I-Is this what you did in the
service? These hats are funny, boy.

They killed the G.I.'s. Not on television
today. Can you do anything else?

Well, I've got my song,
I've got my showstopper.

All right, what's the
song? What is it?

"Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

That's great... you got
two laughs in the title.

That's more than you
got in the whole act.

Just go do that, anything.

All right, we'll go home
and rehearse it, then.

Please. All right.

Bring the box, Murray.

I should've played the Indian.

Have you ever seen
anything like that in your life?

Okay, I'm sorry I'm late.

Hi, Richie. You just missed
Felix. Oh. How'd everything go?

I've seen some nice acts. Good.

Felix did a routine
that drove me crazy.

It was the hokiest
thing I ever saw.

You got to tell me about it?

I finally convinced
him to sing, though.

Great. See, 'cause that
he can do, he can sing.

What song's he gonna
sing? "Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

"Laugh, Clown, Laugh."

Why, what's the matter?
What's the matter?

It's a disaster, that's
what's the matter.

Didn't he do that in the
service? Sure he did.

He did it that night in England

when Patton came
and slapped both of us!

Well, what are we gonna
do, cut him out of the show?

I wish there was a way

we could just make it
such a smash for him.

I'd like to do that, too, but I don't
know how. Hey, maybe we can.

RICHARD: Who's this?

OSCAR: It's the next act.

Who is it? He's a bee trainer.

Now we have a
nice surprise for you.

And I want you to
introduce him. Oh, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's my pleasure

to introduce a great friend
and a great showman,

from the USO by
way of Greenland,

my dear friend,

let's have a warm
welcome for... Felix Unger!

(applause, piano playing intro)

♪ Life is a play, and
we all play a part ♪

♪ The lover, the dreamer ♪

♪ The clown ♪

♪ The dreamer and
lover are always in tears ♪

♪ The clown spreads
sunshine around ♪

♪ The life with a smile
is the life worthwhile ♪

♪ So clown ♪

♪ Till the curtain comes down ♪

♪ Even though you're
only make-believing ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

♪ Even though something
inside is grieving ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh ♪

♪ Jest in your vesti lajuba ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ The world is a
masquerade party ♪

♪ And we all have our
own masks to wear ♪

♪ The rich man
pretends he is happy ♪

♪ And the pauper
pretends he don't care ♪

♪ My mask is all worn out ♪

♪ With teardrops ♪

♪ And, at night, when
it's placed on the shelf ♪

♪ I may make the
world think I'm merry ♪

♪ But I can't hide
the truth from myself ♪

♪ So no matter how
much it may hurt ♪

♪ I must keep on acting! ♪

♪ Acting! Acting! ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh... ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... ♪

(applause)

MAN IN AUDIENCE:
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

(cheering, applause)

(cheering, whistling,
applause) Bravo! Bravo!

DAWSON: Thank you!

(piano playing)

(cheering, applause continue)

DAWSON: Thank you.

We'll be right back right
after this station break.

He didn't suspect a thing.

Have you forgotten?
We're on tape.

He's gonna go home
tonight and watch himself.

It doesn't matter...
We weren't on camera.

He was on a great
big close-up, all alone.

MAN (over P.A.): On the air.

Oh. Ah. Oh.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to present an act

that I discovered
and I'm very proud of.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Aristocrats.

(piano playing lively music)

FELIX: ♪ And to some,
my song may have charms ♪

♪ But the one who
keeps my heart singing ♪

♪ Is a million miles
from my arms ♪

♪ I may make the
world think I'm merry ♪

♪ But I can't hide
the truth from myself ♪

♪ So no matter how
much it may hurt ♪

♪ I must keep on acting! ♪

♪ Acting! Acting! ♪

♪ Be a Pagliaccio ♪

♪ Laugh... ♪

♪ Clown... ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... ♪

(applause, cheering, whistling)

(clicks TV off)

(crying): Felix, you
were just wonderful.

I'm really very moved.

I want to shake your hand.

What a gift.

Hmm.

What's the matter, buddy?

You don't look
happy. No, I, uh...

I'm happy. Uh...
What? I don't know, uh...

They seemed to be laughing
at me there for a while.

I don't know, then at the end
they went crazy, and they...

Well, you just
warmed them up, see?

Is that it? Yeah.

They really did seem to
love me there at the end.

Oh, yeah. Hmm.

I don't know, it's a...
it's a strange thing.

What, did you set it up?

Did you tell them I
was an orphan or a...

Oh, no. Come on.

Wounded war veteran,
only had six months to live?

What, what, what
did...? Will you cut it out?

Of course I didn't do that!

They really were crazy
about me, weren't they?

Yeah, well... What?

What, what, what?

Felix, now, don't get mad, okay?

No, no.

Well, Richard and I were afraid

you were gonna
bomb with the song...

I was afraid of the
same thing. Yeah, well...

So at the end of
it, when it was over,

we held up signs and
we cued the audience

to yell "bravo" and "applause,"
yeah. (laughs): Really?

Behind my back? Yeah,
when the song was over.

See, it said "door
prizes" and "bravo"

and "applause" and
everything. You bum!

What?

Who told you to butt in?

I could stand up there
in front of that audience!

Yeah?

And they'd throw rocks
at me, wouldn't they?

That's what I was
afraid of, buddy.

I've had it.

I've learned my lesson.

I have no business
being a performer.

I'm too sincere.

It takes too much out of me.

No... I'm better
off just as I am.

I am a photographer.

Let Dawson be a performer.

We each belong in our...

It's a wonderful song, though.

Oh, it is a good song,
I got to tell you that.

You know what happened?

Did you know what the
accompanist was doing?

He was dragging it...

(slowly): ♪ Even
though you're only ♪

♪ Make-believing, laugh... ♪

That's not the way
it goes, you see?

It should be done with
a little bit more heart,

a little bit more spirit,
you know what I mean?

(faster): ♪ Even though
you're only make-believing ♪

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh. ♪

What do you say?

Feh!

That's what the
Eskimos used to say.

Who made this cheese,
Plastics of America?

Hey, Felix, is he all
right? He's not mad?

No, no, he's not mad.

We had a long talk
about everything.

There's one thing I
can tell you. What?

He's out of show
business forever.

He'll never perform
again. DAWSON: Great.

Aw, that's too
bad... He's so gifted!

DAWSON: Yeah.

♪ Laugh, clown, laugh. ♪

Well, it's our loss, isn't it?

FELIX: Hey, Dick! Dick!

(laughs): Look what I
found... our old stuff.

Where did you get these?

I want you to see that
our act wasn't so bad.

What do you want us to
do, the vaudeville number?

Yeah. Go in the kitchen.

Murray, can you play this?

Come here, look at this. Yeah.

Just take a glance at it.

As soon as we
get in the kitchen,

give us a bell note. Okay.

(piano plays chime-like chord)

FELIX: ♪ Hats ♪

♪ Cane ♪

BOTH: ♪ Trunks ♪

♪ Trains ♪

♪ That's the way it
was in vaudeville ♪

(piano riff)

♪ Song ♪

♪ Cue ♪

BOTH: ♪ Soft ♪

♪ Shoe ♪

♪ And then you went out
front and made your kill ♪

(lilting piano phrase)

♪ They loved us in the cities ♪

♪ And they loved
us in the sticks ♪

♪ We didn't mind
the vegetables ♪

♪ But when they
threw those bricks ♪

Oh!

♪ Laughs, ha-ha ♪

♪ Frowns, ah ♪

♪ Tank ♪

♪ Towns ♪

♪ That's the way it
was in vaudeville ♪

I say, I say, I
say... I say, I say...

Cease! (stops playing)

I rather like your
shirt. Well, thank you.

Mm, do you prefer
it to a Henway?

A Henway? What's a Henway?

A plump one, about eight pounds.

FELIX: Oh-ho!

(piano resumes)

♪ Scranton and
Canton, Salina, Medina ♪

♪ Detroit and Beloit,
Kankakee, don't you see? ♪

♪ That's the way it
was in vaudeville ♪

♪ Ra-da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Mamaroneck, Saranac,
Staunton and Taunton ♪

♪ Altoona, Laguna,
Racine, yes, I mean ♪

♪ That's the way it
was in vaudeville ♪

♪ The act was a dilly
in Cleveland and Philly ♪

♪ We rocked 'em in Brockton
and Troy, boy, oh, boy ♪

♪ What a joy, they went
batty in old Cincinnati ♪

♪ They screamed
in Moline, Illinois! ♪

♪ We had 'em in Chatham,
we smashed 'em in Ashton ♪

♪ We killed 'em in Wilton,
they raved in New Havedon... ♪

Hold it!

New Havedon?

Huh! Yes.

♪ And that's the way
it was in "vaud-a" ♪

♪ Listen, every son
and "daught-a" ♪

♪ Ain't you glad that
you have bought a ♪

♪ Ticket to a good
old vaudeville? ♪

♪ Yes, sir! ♪

♪ And that's the way
it was in vaudeville! ♪

Yes, sir! Hey, hey!

(song ends)

(knocking on door)

♪ Hats ♪

♪ Canes, trunk, trains ♪

♪ That's the way it
was in vaudeville... ♪