The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 20 - Old Flames Never Die - full transcript
Felix runs into his high school girlfriend and finds out that she is now a grandmother.
Well, Unger,
you've really held up.
(doorbell buzzes)
Mildred, dar...!
I forgot my key.
Who? I was expecting
Mildred Fleener.
Who's she? Mildred Fleener.
My best girl in high school.
I've told you about her.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she called, she's in town,
she's coming over
to visit. No kidding.
I haven't seen her
since high school!
How do I look? Terrific.
Tell me the truth.
Tell me the truth.
You look terrific,
I... Do I really? Yeah.
Really? I'm telling you.
Why would I lie? Yeah?
I really do. (laughs)
What are you so nervous
about? I'm not nervous.
I thought she was
happily married.
Oh, yes, yeah... no,
no, nothing like that.
Nothing like... Then what?
Well, she was voted
cutest girl in school,
I was voted cutest boy.
Oddly, we came in
third for cutest couple.
(doorbell buzzes)
There she is.
Tell me, now tell me the truth.
Have I aged?
You really want the truth? No!
(laughs): Okay.
Mildred!
Tiger!
FELIX: Oh, Mildred!
You're still the cutest.
Oh, so are you.
Oh, look! Mil...
I want you to meet my
roommate, Oscar Madison.
Hello. Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I was voted best
dressed in my high school.
(chuckles)
Oh, sit down, Mildred.
We've got champagne.
Oh, I love your place.
How do you keep it so clean?
I have a man who
comes in every night.
Excuse me a minute, please.
Ah, Mildred,
you haven't aged a
day since high school.
(chuckles): Oh.
And neither have I.
Right?
Right, Tiger.
(chuckles): Ah, no.
You don't have to say that.
(both chuckle)
Remember what I wrote in
your high school yearbook?
Um...
"There's nobody cleaner
than Mildred Fleener."
Remember, I signed it with
a little tiger's paw. (laughs)
I always had that
crazy sense of humor.
Oh... Mildred, I just can't...
You make me
feel like a kid again.
Oh, oh, that reminds me. I
have to make a phone call.
Yeah, yeah, sure, right. Oh.
I won't be long.
We both look great.
She says I haven't aged
a day since high school.
She's probably right, Tiger.
(laughs)
She always called
me Felix the Tiger.
The other kids called
me Felix the Cat.
Why? Because you were clean?
No.
Once, the other kids
tried to drown me.
(laughs)
Good night, Kathie.
And don't forget
to brush your teeth.
(chuckles)
How old is Kathie?
Oh, she'll be three next month.
Ah!
You got a
three-year-old daughter.
Oh, Kathie's not my daughter.
She's my granddaughter.
(honking)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(yawns): Oh! (snoring)
Oscar.
Oscar. (snoring)
Oscar!
Wake up.
I want to talk to you, Oscar.
Why aren't you
talking to Mildred?
Hmm.
We called it an early evening.
It's not good for elderly
people to stay up late.
No matter how cute they are.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
She's a grandmother.
You told me, you
told me, you told me.
I'm a month older than she is!
Felix, please. I got to catch
a plane tomorrow to Boston.
Will you leave me alone?
Oscar, today a waitress
called me "Pops."
Will you get out of here?!
Thank you, Oscar, for being
so sympathetic and such a...
(coughing)
Got something in your throat?
(coughing)
Why don't you get a glass
of water or something?
No, no point in wasting
good water on me.
My life is over.
There's nobody cleaner
than Grandma Fleener.
(coughing)
Well, at least when he's
coughing he's not sighing.
(sighs loudly)
(sighs)
(sighs)
You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Want to talk? We'll talk.
You're wearing a sport jacket.
I couldn't find my bathrobe.
Look, because Mildred
Fleener is a grandmother,
Felix, that doesn't
make you old.
No, no, but this does!
What?
Snow on the roof.
You got dandruff?
Gray! Gray! Look!
Yeah, I don't see any gray!
Of course you don't see any.
I comb my hair down
over it, but it's there.
Oh, a couple of gray hairs.
It looks distinguished.
On Cary Grant it
looks distinguished.
On Felix Unger it looks like,
"You ready to order, Pops?"
Oh, a couple of gray.
The rest of you is terrific!
No, it's not.
I've got old eyes.
I used to read like this,
like a normal person.
Now I read like this.
In five years, I'll
have to be a gorilla.
Why don't you use your glasses?
I always forget
where I leave them.
Remember when I used
to remember everything?
When was that?
Aah...
Felix, look, you
want to talk seriously?
It's the middle of the night;
I gotta get some sleep.
(sighs): Oh!
You don't want
to... No, no, no, no.
This is hard to
talk about, Oscar.
When I was a little kid, do
you know what I wanted to be?
What? Oh...
From the first moment I
held a camera in my hands,
I wanted to be a film director.
I wanted that so
much, to be Hitchcock.
Well, why don't you do it now?
Why don't I do it? Yeah.
Did you have dreams
when you were a kid?
Yeah, sure, I wanted to
be another Hemingway. Oh.
You know, go to
those exotic places,
do exciting things,
then write about them.
You never did it. No.
Why don't you do it now?
Now? I can't do it
now, because it's...
Because? Because?
You know, because it's...
Because you're too old!
I'm not too old!
Stop saying that!
You are, too! No, I'm not!
Look at that vein in your
forehead. Will you stop
with the vein in my head!
Careful! It's very dangerous!
It's an embolism! If
you don't stop talking
about these
depressing, boring things,
I'm gonna send you to the
old photographers' home!
(sighs)
Boy, you make good coffee.
Murray, I've asked
you here for a reason.
I want you to witness something.
(chuckles)
You got the right guy, Felix.
I'm a policeman...
I'm trained to witness.
What are you doing?
Witnessing.
You don't understand.
I want you to witness
I'm revising my will.
Why are you revising your will?
I could go any day, Murray.
I'm not a spring
chicken anymore.
Yeah, that makes sense.
(clears throat)
I, Felix Alex Unger,
being of sound mind
and adequate body,
do hereby declare this to be
my last will and testament.
The bulk of my estate
to my beloved ex-wife... Gloria.
Poor, dear, sweet,
foolish Gloria.
(sobbing): Felix! Don't...
(sobbing loudly)
(sobbing hysterically)
Boy, I wish I
could cry like that.
(sobbing): Oh, Murray!
(sobbing): Oh!
Was it something I said?
Will you hurry up?
I called you an
hour and a half ago.
What took you so long?
Those steps are murder.
Oh, come on in here, will you?
Tina, get Louie, will you?
What's the hurry?
What's the big hurry?
I'm gonna introduce
you to some people
that are going to
make you ashamed
of the way you've been behaving.
Louie Menini, say
hello to Felix Unger.
Ow!
68 years old.
39 years, never
missed one day's work.
That's good. That's good.
At night, he goes
home, after work,
jogs seven miles. Huh.
And I also lift up weights
and look for Communists.
Good, good. How about that?
Wait over there, will
you, Louie? He's strong.
You haven't seen anything yet.
Mamie, come in here, honey.
Mamie Etkins.
71 years young.
Can't get her to retire.
Stays on the switchboard
all the time, and that's not all.
Hit it, Mamie!
♪ I'm the daughter
of Rosie O'Grady ♪
She takes tap dancing
lessons at night.
You don't have to dance
anymore. Very good.
That's what I
mean, if you think...
You don't have to dance
anymore, honey. Ah!
Thinking young makes... Honey,
you don't have to dance anymore.
No, I'm telling you... Honey, no,
you don't have to dance anymore.
Thank you, sweetie.
I'm not finished.
Oh, that's great, thank you.
Oh, that was great, Mamie.
So much energy
I couldn't stop her.
Why didn't you tell
Louie she's a Communist?
You can make jokes.
Now I'm gonna show you somebody
really gonna make you ashamed.
74 years old, the
engineer on our presses.
On weekends, he's
a nightclub comedian.
Okay?
Sonny.
Say hello to Felix.
Good evening, ladies and Felix.
Hello.
How do you like the jacket?
It's very nice.
Mohair? No, Moe Levy.
Ah.
My wife said, "You're
driving me to my grave."
I had the car out
in two minutes.
She spends all her
time in the beauty shop.
The other day,
she got a mud pack.
She looked great for two
days, then the mud fell off.
Ah.
(laughing)
She says, "Make me look
like Barbara Streisand."
I picked up a brush and
broke her nose. (laughing)
Oh, Felix, don't you see?
Never forget my wedding night.
I was so nervous, I
put my pants in bed,
and I hung over
a chair all night.
(chattering, Louie
laughing hysterically)
Boy, was my wife
dressed up the other day.
She was wearing hot
pants and orthopedic shoes.
Okay.
Thank you very much; he's gone.
No, didn't work, it didn't work.
Thank you very much.
I tried.
I got to go up to Boston, sorry.
I just flew in from
Boston today.
Boy, are my arms tired.
(laughing)
Put my bag down, I looked up...
I said, "This is
my kind of town."
I looked down, and
my bag was gone.
(Louie guffawing)
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hiya, buddy.
Welcome home.
How are you?
Okay.
A little tired.
Let me look at you. For what?
Boy, you look beat!
Felix, I was in Montreal, Toledo
and Boston, all in two days.
Wow!
What a backbreaker.
You know it.
No wonder you look like
the wreck of the Hesperus.
Thanks a lot.
Listen, none of us is getting
any younger, you know.
Age has got
nothing to do with it.
Well, ten years ago,
Oscar Madison was...
a whole different story.
Listen, you got a
telephone message.
Rhoda Zimmerman called you.
She wants you
to call her tonight.
Tonight? Yeah.
I'll call her about Wednesday.
Ten years ago... Aw, again
with the... Will you stop?
Was that kid along on the
trip, the kid from the Post?
Teddy Webster? Yeah, the one
they call the young Oscar Madison?
Yeah, he was there.
Ah, uh-huh.
Did he get off the
plane exhausted?
No. As a matter of fact,
he went off with
two stewardesses
and they went roller skating.
He asked me to go along
but I said I was too tired.
Ah.
Maybe you better sit down.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
You know I feel
like a cup of tea.
(groans)
(quietly, weakly):
That's it, Murray.
A little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's good, thanks...
Felix, there's a
shadow on the screen.
Stand up, Murray,
it's your nose.
I'll get some tea.
Anderson passed away.
Ed?
Frank P.
I don't know him.
How old?
Ninety-three.
Mm... mm, mm, mm.
Left a widow. Ah.
Conklin.
Who?
Conklin. Conklin...?
Clyde.
Did you know him?
No, no.
He didn't live
around here. Ah, ah.
How old was he?
Fifty-two.
(gasps)
FELIX: How did he go?
Got hit by a bus.
Ah!
I gotta get going, guys.
I really do.
Thank you, Murray.
You've been a
good friend, Murray.
OSCAR: Good night, Murray.
You know something?
You guys make me sick!
Yeah, both of you.
Look at you... sitting
there like Ma and Pa Kettle!
You ought to be arrested
for impersonating the elderly.
"Murray, would you
move the TV set.
"Murray, will you get some tea?
Murray, move your
nose out of the way."
This nose has got more
energy than both your two faces.
I am fed up to
here with you guys!
Now, you want to see
what a guy looks like
acting his own age, and
walking with a spring in his step.
Now, I'm really depressed.
Why?
Being told off by Murray?
He's right!
You know what you are?
You're a downer.
You bum me out.
What are you talking about?
Telling me that I'm old.
I don't believe
what I'm hearing.
You're the one who's
telling me I'm old.
We sit around, we act
old and so we feel old.
So what are we supposed to do?
We go out. We act young!
How do you act young?
Well, you go where
the young people go.
Where... where do they go
when they want to have fun?
I don't know. Tina says she goes to
a place called "The Electric Eggplant."
(rock music playing)
Hey... This is
where it's at, baby.
(music ends, light applause)
There's Tina.
Tina! Tina!
Hey. Hi, Mr. Madison, Mr. Unger.
FELIX: Hey. What
are you doing here?
Oh, we dig the scene.
Yeah, yeah, we can dig it, yeah.
Can you introduce us
to some of your friends?
Yeah, yeah, right.
Uh... wait just a sec.
Okay.
Uh... girls, do you want
to meet some nice guys?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Okay.
Hi.
You gotta be kidding.
Oh, come on, do me a favor.
It's my boss and his roommate,
and they're really nice guys.
Well... And they're harmless.
All right, sure. Okay.
They dig us.
Girls, I want you to meet
two swinging heavy dudes,
This is Mr. Unger
and Mr. Madison.
Call me Oscar.
Just call me Ace. Hi, Ace.
This is Jeanie,
Suzie and Debbie.
Hi. Hi.
Listen, I'm gonna split.
You all just join the party.
Right on. Okay, Tina,
thank you very much.
See ya. Bye.
Oh, may we?
Sure. Pull up a chair.
May I have this
chair? Get comfortable.
It's really groovy. Yeah.
What are you dudes up to?
Well, he's a writer...
A writer? Wow, that's heavy.
You're heavy. (laughing)
That's what they call
him... Heavy Oscar.
Thanks, Ace.
Oh, what do you write? Well...
He writes sports stor...
I can talk. I can talk.
I'm a sportswriter for
the New York Herald.
The Herald?
Oh, that establishment
newspaper? Yeah.
Don't you feel you're
prostituting yourself at all?
I beg your pardon?
JEANIE: That paper
has no social conscience.
Yeah, well, no consideration
for the poor and oppressed.
Well, I cover the Knicks.
What's your bag?
My bag? Yeah.
I'm in the old photography bag.
Oh, do you work
at the Herald, too?
Oh, no, no... I freelance... no.
I do picture stories on the
struggles of ethnic minorities.
Right now, I'm doing a layout on
the miserable and the diseased.
Oh, that's fantastic!
FELIX: Yeah.
You got 'em, Ace, you got 'em.
What are you
girls interested in?
Self-awareness.
What's that?
Raising our consciousness
and getting in touch
with our inner emotions.
Oh, wow. Oh, oh, like wow. Wow.
Boy, you kids really
know how to have fun.
How do you raise
your consciousness?
I mean, you stand on
a chair or something?
(laughing): What a
cool sense of humor!
You're cool! You're cool!
Cool Oscar.
That's what they call
me: Cool, Heavy Oscar.
Hey, what's your sign?
My sign? Yeah.
Pisces, the fish.
Witty, urbane,
FELIX: sophisticated.
Long-winded.
What's your sign?
Taurus. Oh, the Bull. Yeah.
That's Oscar the Bull.
(guffawing)
That's what they call
me, the Cool, Heavy Bull.
Wait, I'm a Taurus,
too. Are you really?
Hey, far out!
Yeah... That's great.
That's so far out, it's gone.
FELIX: All the way out.
Hey, you guys dance?
FELIX: Sure. No. He dances.
Come on, Oscar, let's
us two bulls lock horns.
Come on! Hey,
I've gotta drive...
(rock music playing) Whoo!
FELIX: You're good! Yeah?
You're good, Oscar!
Do the Australian Crawl.
FELIX? Would you
care to dance? Oh, great.
Would you excuse
us? Oh, sure, go ahead.
Mr. Astaire, let's
dance to the music.
Come on, get with it.
I'm dancing to the
music. Come on.
That's it.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Whoo! That's cool.
Yeah, that's cool.
That's... Oh, was that cool.
That's great.
That's heavy. Like wow!
Yeah, well, look, guys,
it's been real, you know?
But, like, we gotta go...
come on. Oh, no, no.
We're just all getting
it together in one bag.
You know, we'd
really like to stay,
but we gotta go to a
Hosheena meeting.
Hosheena? What's that?
It's this new religion.
This bus driver turned
us on to it yesterday.
Tonight we go back and
take our sacred vows. Ah.
Hey, do you want to come?
Well, what do we have to do?
Just shave our heads.
I think we'll pass
on that. Yeah.
Okay, well, listen, why don't
you just come to the party later?
Yeah. Do we have
to shave anything?
No.
Look, it starts at 2:30.
2:30 tonight?
Sure. Just catch the number
23 bus right up the street.
And the buss will
take us to the party?
The bus is the party.
Oh... and don't forget
to have exact change.
Later. See ya.
Latersville.
See you, Ace.
Wow!
Like wow!
What are we gonna do until 2:30?
Well, it's 10:00.
Want to dance with
some of the girls?
No, no more dancing.
Whoa. No more dancing.
Well, you can sit here
and groove to the music.
I'm not gonna groove
for four more hours.
Why don't we go home,
set the alarm for 2:00
and get a nap?
Felix, I'm not gonna get
up in the middle of the night
to catch a bus to have a
date with three bald girls.
Why not?
Felix, tell me the truth,
did you have a good time
talking to these girls tonight?
Oh, sure. I got into some
heavy raps with them.
You got into some
heavy baloney with them.
Do you have to be such a
phony when you're with Miriam?
Oh, that's a different story.
We have the same interests.
We go to the opera,
we go to the ballet...
And when you talk
to her, do you feel old
when you talk about these
interests? No, of course not.
Well, I don't feel
old when I talk about
the things I'm interested in.
Tell me the real
honest-to-God truth.
Didn't you feel old
hanging around these kids?
Yes.
You want to look like him?
Let's go home.
WOMAN: Hey,
baby... I am not a baby.
I'm a man of mature years
who doesn't happen to look it...
and you should wear underwear.
(snoring)
Oscar. Oscar.
Hmm? What now? What?
You know... we learned
an important lesson tonight.
We're not old.
We have mellowed...
like fine wine.
We must learn to accept
ourselves as we are
and like ourselves as we are.
That's what maturity
really means.
Accepting yourself
for what you are.
You woke me up to tell me that?
No. It's 2:00.
It's time to go to the party.
Oh.
Have you seen my trousers?
you've really held up.
(doorbell buzzes)
Mildred, dar...!
I forgot my key.
Who? I was expecting
Mildred Fleener.
Who's she? Mildred Fleener.
My best girl in high school.
I've told you about her.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she called, she's in town,
she's coming over
to visit. No kidding.
I haven't seen her
since high school!
How do I look? Terrific.
Tell me the truth.
Tell me the truth.
You look terrific,
I... Do I really? Yeah.
Really? I'm telling you.
Why would I lie? Yeah?
I really do. (laughs)
What are you so nervous
about? I'm not nervous.
I thought she was
happily married.
Oh, yes, yeah... no,
no, nothing like that.
Nothing like... Then what?
Well, she was voted
cutest girl in school,
I was voted cutest boy.
Oddly, we came in
third for cutest couple.
(doorbell buzzes)
There she is.
Tell me, now tell me the truth.
Have I aged?
You really want the truth? No!
(laughs): Okay.
Mildred!
Tiger!
FELIX: Oh, Mildred!
You're still the cutest.
Oh, so are you.
Oh, look! Mil...
I want you to meet my
roommate, Oscar Madison.
Hello. Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
I was voted best
dressed in my high school.
(chuckles)
Oh, sit down, Mildred.
We've got champagne.
Oh, I love your place.
How do you keep it so clean?
I have a man who
comes in every night.
Excuse me a minute, please.
Ah, Mildred,
you haven't aged a
day since high school.
(chuckles): Oh.
And neither have I.
Right?
Right, Tiger.
(chuckles): Ah, no.
You don't have to say that.
(both chuckle)
Remember what I wrote in
your high school yearbook?
Um...
"There's nobody cleaner
than Mildred Fleener."
Remember, I signed it with
a little tiger's paw. (laughs)
I always had that
crazy sense of humor.
Oh... Mildred, I just can't...
You make me
feel like a kid again.
Oh, oh, that reminds me. I
have to make a phone call.
Yeah, yeah, sure, right. Oh.
I won't be long.
We both look great.
She says I haven't aged
a day since high school.
She's probably right, Tiger.
(laughs)
She always called
me Felix the Tiger.
The other kids called
me Felix the Cat.
Why? Because you were clean?
No.
Once, the other kids
tried to drown me.
(laughs)
Good night, Kathie.
And don't forget
to brush your teeth.
(chuckles)
How old is Kathie?
Oh, she'll be three next month.
Ah!
You got a
three-year-old daughter.
Oh, Kathie's not my daughter.
She's my granddaughter.
(honking)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
(yawns): Oh! (snoring)
Oscar.
Oscar. (snoring)
Oscar!
Wake up.
I want to talk to you, Oscar.
Why aren't you
talking to Mildred?
Hmm.
We called it an early evening.
It's not good for elderly
people to stay up late.
No matter how cute they are.
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
She's a grandmother.
You told me, you
told me, you told me.
I'm a month older than she is!
Felix, please. I got to catch
a plane tomorrow to Boston.
Will you leave me alone?
Oscar, today a waitress
called me "Pops."
Will you get out of here?!
Thank you, Oscar, for being
so sympathetic and such a...
(coughing)
Got something in your throat?
(coughing)
Why don't you get a glass
of water or something?
No, no point in wasting
good water on me.
My life is over.
There's nobody cleaner
than Grandma Fleener.
(coughing)
Well, at least when he's
coughing he's not sighing.
(sighs loudly)
(sighs)
(sighs)
You couldn't sleep either, huh?
Want to talk? We'll talk.
You're wearing a sport jacket.
I couldn't find my bathrobe.
Look, because Mildred
Fleener is a grandmother,
Felix, that doesn't
make you old.
No, no, but this does!
What?
Snow on the roof.
You got dandruff?
Gray! Gray! Look!
Yeah, I don't see any gray!
Of course you don't see any.
I comb my hair down
over it, but it's there.
Oh, a couple of gray hairs.
It looks distinguished.
On Cary Grant it
looks distinguished.
On Felix Unger it looks like,
"You ready to order, Pops?"
Oh, a couple of gray.
The rest of you is terrific!
No, it's not.
I've got old eyes.
I used to read like this,
like a normal person.
Now I read like this.
In five years, I'll
have to be a gorilla.
Why don't you use your glasses?
I always forget
where I leave them.
Remember when I used
to remember everything?
When was that?
Aah...
Felix, look, you
want to talk seriously?
It's the middle of the night;
I gotta get some sleep.
(sighs): Oh!
You don't want
to... No, no, no, no.
This is hard to
talk about, Oscar.
When I was a little kid, do
you know what I wanted to be?
What? Oh...
From the first moment I
held a camera in my hands,
I wanted to be a film director.
I wanted that so
much, to be Hitchcock.
Well, why don't you do it now?
Why don't I do it? Yeah.
Did you have dreams
when you were a kid?
Yeah, sure, I wanted to
be another Hemingway. Oh.
You know, go to
those exotic places,
do exciting things,
then write about them.
You never did it. No.
Why don't you do it now?
Now? I can't do it
now, because it's...
Because? Because?
You know, because it's...
Because you're too old!
I'm not too old!
Stop saying that!
You are, too! No, I'm not!
Look at that vein in your
forehead. Will you stop
with the vein in my head!
Careful! It's very dangerous!
It's an embolism! If
you don't stop talking
about these
depressing, boring things,
I'm gonna send you to the
old photographers' home!
(sighs)
Boy, you make good coffee.
Murray, I've asked
you here for a reason.
I want you to witness something.
(chuckles)
You got the right guy, Felix.
I'm a policeman...
I'm trained to witness.
What are you doing?
Witnessing.
You don't understand.
I want you to witness
I'm revising my will.
Why are you revising your will?
I could go any day, Murray.
I'm not a spring
chicken anymore.
Yeah, that makes sense.
(clears throat)
I, Felix Alex Unger,
being of sound mind
and adequate body,
do hereby declare this to be
my last will and testament.
The bulk of my estate
to my beloved ex-wife... Gloria.
Poor, dear, sweet,
foolish Gloria.
(sobbing): Felix! Don't...
(sobbing loudly)
(sobbing hysterically)
Boy, I wish I
could cry like that.
(sobbing): Oh, Murray!
(sobbing): Oh!
Was it something I said?
Will you hurry up?
I called you an
hour and a half ago.
What took you so long?
Those steps are murder.
Oh, come on in here, will you?
Tina, get Louie, will you?
What's the hurry?
What's the big hurry?
I'm gonna introduce
you to some people
that are going to
make you ashamed
of the way you've been behaving.
Louie Menini, say
hello to Felix Unger.
Ow!
68 years old.
39 years, never
missed one day's work.
That's good. That's good.
At night, he goes
home, after work,
jogs seven miles. Huh.
And I also lift up weights
and look for Communists.
Good, good. How about that?
Wait over there, will
you, Louie? He's strong.
You haven't seen anything yet.
Mamie, come in here, honey.
Mamie Etkins.
71 years young.
Can't get her to retire.
Stays on the switchboard
all the time, and that's not all.
Hit it, Mamie!
♪ I'm the daughter
of Rosie O'Grady ♪
She takes tap dancing
lessons at night.
You don't have to dance
anymore. Very good.
That's what I
mean, if you think...
You don't have to dance
anymore, honey. Ah!
Thinking young makes... Honey,
you don't have to dance anymore.
No, I'm telling you... Honey, no,
you don't have to dance anymore.
Thank you, sweetie.
I'm not finished.
Oh, that's great, thank you.
Oh, that was great, Mamie.
So much energy
I couldn't stop her.
Why didn't you tell
Louie she's a Communist?
You can make jokes.
Now I'm gonna show you somebody
really gonna make you ashamed.
74 years old, the
engineer on our presses.
On weekends, he's
a nightclub comedian.
Okay?
Sonny.
Say hello to Felix.
Good evening, ladies and Felix.
Hello.
How do you like the jacket?
It's very nice.
Mohair? No, Moe Levy.
Ah.
My wife said, "You're
driving me to my grave."
I had the car out
in two minutes.
She spends all her
time in the beauty shop.
The other day,
she got a mud pack.
She looked great for two
days, then the mud fell off.
Ah.
(laughing)
She says, "Make me look
like Barbara Streisand."
I picked up a brush and
broke her nose. (laughing)
Oh, Felix, don't you see?
Never forget my wedding night.
I was so nervous, I
put my pants in bed,
and I hung over
a chair all night.
(chattering, Louie
laughing hysterically)
Boy, was my wife
dressed up the other day.
She was wearing hot
pants and orthopedic shoes.
Okay.
Thank you very much; he's gone.
No, didn't work, it didn't work.
Thank you very much.
I tried.
I got to go up to Boston, sorry.
I just flew in from
Boston today.
Boy, are my arms tired.
(laughing)
Put my bag down, I looked up...
I said, "This is
my kind of town."
I looked down, and
my bag was gone.
(Louie guffawing)
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hiya, buddy.
Welcome home.
How are you?
Okay.
A little tired.
Let me look at you. For what?
Boy, you look beat!
Felix, I was in Montreal, Toledo
and Boston, all in two days.
Wow!
What a backbreaker.
You know it.
No wonder you look like
the wreck of the Hesperus.
Thanks a lot.
Listen, none of us is getting
any younger, you know.
Age has got
nothing to do with it.
Well, ten years ago,
Oscar Madison was...
a whole different story.
Listen, you got a
telephone message.
Rhoda Zimmerman called you.
She wants you
to call her tonight.
Tonight? Yeah.
I'll call her about Wednesday.
Ten years ago... Aw, again
with the... Will you stop?
Was that kid along on the
trip, the kid from the Post?
Teddy Webster? Yeah, the one
they call the young Oscar Madison?
Yeah, he was there.
Ah, uh-huh.
Did he get off the
plane exhausted?
No. As a matter of fact,
he went off with
two stewardesses
and they went roller skating.
He asked me to go along
but I said I was too tired.
Ah.
Maybe you better sit down.
I'll get you a cup of tea.
You know I feel
like a cup of tea.
(groans)
(quietly, weakly):
That's it, Murray.
A little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's good, thanks...
Felix, there's a
shadow on the screen.
Stand up, Murray,
it's your nose.
I'll get some tea.
Anderson passed away.
Ed?
Frank P.
I don't know him.
How old?
Ninety-three.
Mm... mm, mm, mm.
Left a widow. Ah.
Conklin.
Who?
Conklin. Conklin...?
Clyde.
Did you know him?
No, no.
He didn't live
around here. Ah, ah.
How old was he?
Fifty-two.
(gasps)
FELIX: How did he go?
Got hit by a bus.
Ah!
I gotta get going, guys.
I really do.
Thank you, Murray.
You've been a
good friend, Murray.
OSCAR: Good night, Murray.
You know something?
You guys make me sick!
Yeah, both of you.
Look at you... sitting
there like Ma and Pa Kettle!
You ought to be arrested
for impersonating the elderly.
"Murray, would you
move the TV set.
"Murray, will you get some tea?
Murray, move your
nose out of the way."
This nose has got more
energy than both your two faces.
I am fed up to
here with you guys!
Now, you want to see
what a guy looks like
acting his own age, and
walking with a spring in his step.
Now, I'm really depressed.
Why?
Being told off by Murray?
He's right!
You know what you are?
You're a downer.
You bum me out.
What are you talking about?
Telling me that I'm old.
I don't believe
what I'm hearing.
You're the one who's
telling me I'm old.
We sit around, we act
old and so we feel old.
So what are we supposed to do?
We go out. We act young!
How do you act young?
Well, you go where
the young people go.
Where... where do they go
when they want to have fun?
I don't know. Tina says she goes to
a place called "The Electric Eggplant."
(rock music playing)
Hey... This is
where it's at, baby.
(music ends, light applause)
There's Tina.
Tina! Tina!
Hey. Hi, Mr. Madison, Mr. Unger.
FELIX: Hey. What
are you doing here?
Oh, we dig the scene.
Yeah, yeah, we can dig it, yeah.
Can you introduce us
to some of your friends?
Yeah, yeah, right.
Uh... wait just a sec.
Okay.
Uh... girls, do you want
to meet some nice guys?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Okay.
Hi.
You gotta be kidding.
Oh, come on, do me a favor.
It's my boss and his roommate,
and they're really nice guys.
Well... And they're harmless.
All right, sure. Okay.
They dig us.
Girls, I want you to meet
two swinging heavy dudes,
This is Mr. Unger
and Mr. Madison.
Call me Oscar.
Just call me Ace. Hi, Ace.
This is Jeanie,
Suzie and Debbie.
Hi. Hi.
Listen, I'm gonna split.
You all just join the party.
Right on. Okay, Tina,
thank you very much.
See ya. Bye.
Oh, may we?
Sure. Pull up a chair.
May I have this
chair? Get comfortable.
It's really groovy. Yeah.
What are you dudes up to?
Well, he's a writer...
A writer? Wow, that's heavy.
You're heavy. (laughing)
That's what they call
him... Heavy Oscar.
Thanks, Ace.
Oh, what do you write? Well...
He writes sports stor...
I can talk. I can talk.
I'm a sportswriter for
the New York Herald.
The Herald?
Oh, that establishment
newspaper? Yeah.
Don't you feel you're
prostituting yourself at all?
I beg your pardon?
JEANIE: That paper
has no social conscience.
Yeah, well, no consideration
for the poor and oppressed.
Well, I cover the Knicks.
What's your bag?
My bag? Yeah.
I'm in the old photography bag.
Oh, do you work
at the Herald, too?
Oh, no, no... I freelance... no.
I do picture stories on the
struggles of ethnic minorities.
Right now, I'm doing a layout on
the miserable and the diseased.
Oh, that's fantastic!
FELIX: Yeah.
You got 'em, Ace, you got 'em.
What are you
girls interested in?
Self-awareness.
What's that?
Raising our consciousness
and getting in touch
with our inner emotions.
Oh, wow. Oh, oh, like wow. Wow.
Boy, you kids really
know how to have fun.
How do you raise
your consciousness?
I mean, you stand on
a chair or something?
(laughing): What a
cool sense of humor!
You're cool! You're cool!
Cool Oscar.
That's what they call
me: Cool, Heavy Oscar.
Hey, what's your sign?
My sign? Yeah.
Pisces, the fish.
Witty, urbane,
FELIX: sophisticated.
Long-winded.
What's your sign?
Taurus. Oh, the Bull. Yeah.
That's Oscar the Bull.
(guffawing)
That's what they call
me, the Cool, Heavy Bull.
Wait, I'm a Taurus,
too. Are you really?
Hey, far out!
Yeah... That's great.
That's so far out, it's gone.
FELIX: All the way out.
Hey, you guys dance?
FELIX: Sure. No. He dances.
Come on, Oscar, let's
us two bulls lock horns.
Come on! Hey,
I've gotta drive...
(rock music playing) Whoo!
FELIX: You're good! Yeah?
You're good, Oscar!
Do the Australian Crawl.
FELIX? Would you
care to dance? Oh, great.
Would you excuse
us? Oh, sure, go ahead.
Mr. Astaire, let's
dance to the music.
Come on, get with it.
I'm dancing to the
music. Come on.
That's it.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Whoo! That's cool.
Yeah, that's cool.
That's... Oh, was that cool.
That's great.
That's heavy. Like wow!
Yeah, well, look, guys,
it's been real, you know?
But, like, we gotta go...
come on. Oh, no, no.
We're just all getting
it together in one bag.
You know, we'd
really like to stay,
but we gotta go to a
Hosheena meeting.
Hosheena? What's that?
It's this new religion.
This bus driver turned
us on to it yesterday.
Tonight we go back and
take our sacred vows. Ah.
Hey, do you want to come?
Well, what do we have to do?
Just shave our heads.
I think we'll pass
on that. Yeah.
Okay, well, listen, why don't
you just come to the party later?
Yeah. Do we have
to shave anything?
No.
Look, it starts at 2:30.
2:30 tonight?
Sure. Just catch the number
23 bus right up the street.
And the buss will
take us to the party?
The bus is the party.
Oh... and don't forget
to have exact change.
Later. See ya.
Latersville.
See you, Ace.
Wow!
Like wow!
What are we gonna do until 2:30?
Well, it's 10:00.
Want to dance with
some of the girls?
No, no more dancing.
Whoa. No more dancing.
Well, you can sit here
and groove to the music.
I'm not gonna groove
for four more hours.
Why don't we go home,
set the alarm for 2:00
and get a nap?
Felix, I'm not gonna get
up in the middle of the night
to catch a bus to have a
date with three bald girls.
Why not?
Felix, tell me the truth,
did you have a good time
talking to these girls tonight?
Oh, sure. I got into some
heavy raps with them.
You got into some
heavy baloney with them.
Do you have to be such a
phony when you're with Miriam?
Oh, that's a different story.
We have the same interests.
We go to the opera,
we go to the ballet...
And when you talk
to her, do you feel old
when you talk about these
interests? No, of course not.
Well, I don't feel
old when I talk about
the things I'm interested in.
Tell me the real
honest-to-God truth.
Didn't you feel old
hanging around these kids?
Yes.
You want to look like him?
Let's go home.
WOMAN: Hey,
baby... I am not a baby.
I'm a man of mature years
who doesn't happen to look it...
and you should wear underwear.
(snoring)
Oscar. Oscar.
Hmm? What now? What?
You know... we learned
an important lesson tonight.
We're not old.
We have mellowed...
like fine wine.
We must learn to accept
ourselves as we are
and like ourselves as we are.
That's what maturity
really means.
Accepting yourself
for what you are.
You woke me up to tell me that?
No. It's 2:00.
It's time to go to the party.
Oh.
Have you seen my trousers?