The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Roy Clark Show - full transcript
Felix gets Oscar's old Army buddy into the music business.
(playing classical piece)
(loud pop, music stops)
(resumes playing)
(loud pop, music stops)
(loud pop)
(resumes playing)
Pick it up.
(music stops)
I believe this is yours.
Kindly dispose of it.
It's flat.
Don't disturb me.
I've got to practice.
(resumes playing) Why? We
trying to get rid of another neighbor?
(music stops)
My opera club's having
its recital next week.
I'm the accompanist.
We doing a program
of Mozart and muffins.
Mozart's music, my muffins.
Have to practice.
(resumes playing)
Practice all you want.
It won't bother us.
(music stops)
"It won't bother us"?
Yeah. I invited a
houseguest for the week.
Who?
My old army buddy,
Wild Willie Boggs.
No, sir! No! No! No, sir!
Take it easy, will you?
He's appearing with a rodeo
down at Madison
Square Garden for a week.
I will not have him in
this house again this year.
What am I supposed
to say to my friend,
go stay in a hotel?
Besides, he's a fun guy.
Squirting flowers and
joy buzzers are not fun.
A pony in my
bathtub was not fun.
Oh, so he pulls a
few harmless pranks.
You didn't have to
clean up the bathroom.
Listen, if it wasn't for
his sense of humor,
I don't think I'd have
gotten through basic training.
What did he do, short-sheet
the colonel's bed?
How did you know?
(door buzzer sounding)
There he is! You listen to me.
What? Listen, he's
going to behave himself
in this house or out he goes.
This is not a corral here;
he's going to be a gentleman.
You understand? Okay.
He'll get out,
dribble glass and all.
All right, all right.
Hey! Oscar!
(both laughing)
Whoo! Oh, what happened to you?!
You're putting it on! Whoo!
Felix!
Hello, Mr. Boggs.
I didn't want to impose
on you empty-handed,
so I stopped by and got
some chicken in a bucket.
Ah.
That's very kind of you.
Thank you very much.
(Oscar and Willie laughing)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yesterday, when I was young ♪
♪ So many happy songs ♪
♪ Were waiting to be sung ♪
♪ So many wild pleasures ♪
♪ Lay in store for me ♪
♪ And so much pain my
dazzled eyes refused to see ♪
♪ I ran so fast that time ♪
♪ And youth at last ran out ♪
♪ I never stopped to think ♪
♪ What life was all about ♪
♪ And every conversation
I can now recall ♪
♪ Concerned itself with me ♪
♪ And nothing else at all ♪
♪ There are so many songs
in me that won't be sung ♪
♪ I feel the bitter taste
of tears upon my tongue ♪
♪ The time has
come for me to pay ♪
♪ For yesterday ♪
♪ When I was young. ♪
Oh... (laughing)
Oh, that was terrific!
That was terrific!
All right, give me the guitar.
Look at the guitar. Okay.
Now, I want you
to do my favorite.
Come on. You got to
do my favorite. (chuckles)
Once, at least.
♪ Down the road there from me ♪
♪ There's a big hollow tree ♪
♪ Where you lay
down a dollar or two ♪
Yeah!
♪ Well, you go round the bend ♪
♪ When you come back again ♪
♪ There's a jug full of
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ Well, they call it that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ And them that
refuse it are few ♪
♪ I'll hush up my mug
if you'll fill up my jug ♪
♪ With some good
old mountain dew ♪
♪ Now my brother Bill's
got a still on the hill ♪
♪ Where he runs off ♪
♪ A gallon or two ♪
♪ And the buzzards
in the... sky ♪
♪ Get so drunk they can't fly ♪
♪ From a-smellin' that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ Well, they call it that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ And them that
refuse it are few ♪
♪ I'll hush up my mug
if you'll fill up my jug ♪
♪ With some good
old mountain dew. ♪
Yeah!
(Willie and Oscar laughing)
OSCAR: Oh, I love it.
WILLIE: Whoo! Whoo!
I can do that over and...
It's been a long time.
Yeah. Hey, Felix, Felix,
ain't he something, huh?
It's very good...
for what it is.
Play another one, will you?
FELIX: No.
WILLIE: Well, I don't
have time anyway, Oscar.
I've got to get ready
for the rodeo. Oh.
But I do want to thank
you, Felix, for what you said
about my singing and playing.
(grunts) I know you
know a lot about music.
Well, you're more than welcome.
Shake?
(laughing)
You think that's funny?
It is funny. It is funny?
You think that's funny?
Yes!
My napkin.
Oh, he's such a funny guy.
What a wonderful
person to have around.
He's a... Oh, knock it off.
He's been in the
house half a day,
already I've sat on his
whoopee cushions three times.
(laughing)
He glued my shoes to the floor,
and he greased the toilet seat.
That's because
he's a fun-loving guy,
and he likes to
see people laugh.
You notice he
doesn't do it to me.
Because I think it's funny.
He does it to you
because you're stuffy
and don't have a sense of humor.
I don't have a sense
of humor? That's right.
Me? Yeah.
The one who had them
rolling in the trenches at Anzio
with my imitation
of Noel Coward?
You think that was funny?
What do you think's funny?
"Good evening,
ladies and germs."
Yeah! (laughing)
You'll love this one.
A man walks into an elevator.
There's a naked woman.
He says, "My wife's got an
outfit just like that at home."
(laughing)
Boy, that's funny!
That's funny.
I got to be getting
down to the rodeo.
I sure hate that I'm gonna miss
one of your fine
dinners tonight.
Well, I'm certain you'll make
it for breakfast, won't you?
Felix, you seem a bit testy.
Have I been getting
on your nerves?
I have a feeling that
you don't like me.
I don't like your-your
pranks very much.
That's because
you've never tried 'em.
You ought to try 'em one time.
I don't think so.
You want to pull a great
prank on Oscar while I'm gone?
No. What?
This rubber hot dog.
Oh, they're a gas!
A rubber hot dog?
Yeah, he takes
one bite out of it
and then chews it all
night long. It's rubber.
I wish I could be here to see
the expression on his face.
Thank you very much.
Oscar! OSCAR: Yes?
Oscar, listen, dinner won't
be ready for about an hour,
but I have a little snack
for you if you'd like it.
One of your favorites.
What do you got?
Yeah, nice cold hot dog,
just the way you like it.
Put a lot of mustard on it.
With a lot of mustard, yeah.
That's nice of you. (chuckles)
Well... Ooh, that's terrific.
How is it?
The bun's a little stale.
Here, have some dessert.
(playing classical music)
(playing along)
(stops playing piano)
(playing country riff)
(laughing)
That's-that's quite a surprise.
Mozart, wasn't it?
Yes, it was.
Till you turned it into Memphis.
You like good music?
Yes, one of my first loves.
Really?
Hey, you know this?
Vivaldi.
Wow, can you play this?
Well, I... it's been a while.
What happens? Does
the fiddle explode?
This is a real violin.
The bow is made of licorice?
I'm very serious now.
Well, just start from here.
One, two, three.
(both playing classical music)
(music stops)
You are good.
Well, you know, I
used to practice a lot.
In fact, I had a scholarship
before I went in the army.
No kidding. Why'd
you give it up?
Well, sitting in a room all day
practicing on the violin
is not my idea of fun.
I like to get out
with the people
and joke, make 'em laugh.
No. Fun is mesmerizing
an audience of thousands.
Fun is the happiness your
gift can bring to other people.
Let's do this one again.
One, two, three.
(both playing classical music)
(music stops)
En garde!
Hey, that's great!
You like dueling!
No, not dueling.
What you were doing,
the playing, that was terrific.
You see that? You see
the reaction of that man?
Now, that's fun.
You really liked that, Oscar?
I'm telling you, it
was sensational!
You guys excuse me.
What's this all about?
(playing scale on violin)
Congratulations.
For what?
You just turned that man
into a concert violinist.
I did?
You're a magician.
I am?
Then how come I can't
make you disappear?
(classical violin music playing)
OSCAR: Come on, Willie.
You been practicing
for three days.
I want you to meet
my friend, Murray.
You'll love him.
He can direct
traffic with his nose.
Murray. (laughs)
Is this the guy?
Wild Willie Boggs,
meet Murray the cop.
How's it going?
Uh-uh. I heard
about you. (laughing)
I'm not falling for
that one. (chuckles)
Come on, let's all sit
down. Grab a chair, Murray.
Ooh, ooh! (laughing)
You almost got me that time.
Oscar, what would have
happened if I sat in that chair?
See, that's the beauty part.
You never know
with Wild Willie, see?
(laughs)
(strumming quietly)
Willie, tell him about the time
we were stationed in Tokyo.
Go ahead. You're
gonna love this, I tell ya.
Well, we went into
this geisha house.
MURRAY (laughing): Yeah, yeah.
Stayed about two days and
then went on back to the base.
That's not funny, Oscar.
He's warming up.
Willie, you didn't tell
him what happened
when they served dinner.
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes. Oh, this...
You won't be able
to stand this one.
Well, we took our
shoes off, Yeah.
Sat around on
all these cushions.
Two beautiful girls
brought all this food in
and Oscar and me ate too much.
Oscar, he's no Morey Amsterdam.
I don't understand you, Willie!
You can't even break up Murray
and he laughs at police lineups.
I'm sorry. I don't
have time for all of this.
I've got to practice.
I've got to learn a
very difficult number.
Nice meeting you, Murray.
Boy, I tell you, you're
not a fun guy anymore.
I'll tell you that.
I've seen guys in
traction funnier than you.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'm sorry, Murray.
Well, he seems like a nice
guy, but he just wasn't funny.
He used to be.
Felix ruined him.
He ruined my funniest friend.
I thought I was
his funniest friend.
(playing classical violin music)
Play "Melancholy Baby"!
Do you have to be such a boor?
Do you realize you're
tampering with a man's life?
Why don't you go in there
and tell him he
doesn't have to do this?
You know what you are? What?
You're the kind of man
who ruins the world.
How?
He sticks an umbrella
down my pants,
opens it, and you
scream with laughter.
'Cause it's funny.
You have a hotfoot mentality.
And what about you?
You turn a former funny guy
into a mummy in a violin case.
I hope you're very
happy with yourself.
I'm delighted. Okay.
You know what's gonna
happen here Saturday afternoon?
Sure, you're gonna
shampoo the rug.
After that.
You know who's coming
to my opera recital?
Who? Boris Kalnikov.
Hooray!
Boris Kalnikov, the
concert impresario.
With one wave of his cane,
he can give him a
whole new career.
I'm gonna have
Willie play for him.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, be still my heart.
Now listen to me.
His dinner's in the oven.
Serve it to him in one hour.
Shall I slip it to him
under his cell door?
I shudder to think what
would have happened
if you'd been a friend
of Michelangelo's.
There'd be no Sistine Chapel.
You'd have said, "Leave
your brushes, Mike.
We'll go tip over gondolas."
All right, everyone, here we go.
Meeting will come to order!
All right, the meeting
will come to order.
Come on, everybody. Sit down.
Sit down, everybody.
Please sit down.
Sit down. No! No, you can't have
the biggest chair this
time. Oh, my dear boy.
No, we're saving that chair
for something very special.
Members of the Lexington
Avenue Opera Club,
welcome to Mozart and Muffins.
Mozart made the music,
and I made the muffins.
So, help yourself
as you see fit.
Now... Well, just...
Oh, no, don't take any of those.
Those are for our honored
speaker. Take some of those.
All right, everybody.
Sit down. Sit down.
We have a great
big surprise for you.
We're going to
have a surprise guest
and a surprise performer.
But to start things off,
our own Fred Flescher
will sing an aria for us
that he has been
working on for 14 years.
(applause)
I shall sing "Il Mio Tesoro."
From Don Giovanni.
♪ Il mio tesoro intanto ♪
♪ Andate ♪
♪ Andate ♪
♪ A consolar... ♪
Sing away.
♪ ...E del bel
ciglio il pianto ♪
♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪
♪ Cercate ♪
♪ Cercate ♪
♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪
♪ Cercate... ♪
(buzzer sounding)
(holding note)
Ah, Mr. Kalnikov.
Come in.
Oh, such an honor.
Thank you, Mr. Flescher.
(singing continues)
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the Opera Club,
this is Mr. Boris Kalnikov.
(continues singing) A
famous... a famous...
Shut up, Flescher!
Sit down. Have a muffin.
Ah.
Isn't he talented?
He could use a
little more practice.
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I wanted to make
a good impression.
Never mind the impression.
You're not Rich Little.
I came to hear the
cowboy violinist.
And you will hear him last.
No, I will hear him first.
Ah, well, let me explain
my thinking, Mr. Kalnikov.
I, too, am something
of an impresario.
Mr. William Boggs is our star.
I thought you'd hear
all of our group first
and then as a big
finale, our top performer.
Let me explain my thinking.
I will hear your
top performer first
and then I will go
home and have dinner.
Good thinking.
Are you ready, William?
WILLIE: All set.
Honored guest,
ladies and gentlemen
of the Lexington
Avenue Opera Club,
Felix Unger presents
a startling new talent,
born of poor, but industrious
sharecropper parents,
in a one-room cabin in
Gooseberry, Kentucky...
Boring!
And so without further ado,
I present Mr. William Boggs.
(applause)
(piano playing)
(playing melancholy music)
(playing upbeat melody)
Stop!
That's enough!
You are a genius!
FELIX: Oh!
Do you really think so?
Kalnikov knows a
genius when he sees one.
Oh, I'm so glad you agree
with me. And you,
sir, you're an idiot.
Why do you say that?
Kalnikov knows an
idiot when he sees one.
Aren't you the great
Wild Willie Boggs?
Yes.
Well, then, sir,
you're a genius.
You are the funniest
man I ever saw.
Don't you remember
me from the rodeo?
You set fire to my cape.
Was that you?
Who else would wear
a cape in Phoenix?
You crazy guy.
But... what did you think
of the way he played
the "Czardash"?
Oh, 90 guys can
play the same way.
Boring!
But Wild Willie Boggs...
he's one of a kind.
What I do now, Oscar?
Willie, that's your decision.
Now what is it you
really want to do?
Well, I'd like to
play some more.
Good! Good!
Wonderful!
Uh, are you in
opera or the rodeo?
No, I'm in baseball.
Are you Hank Aaron?
No.
FELIX: Mr. Boggs will
resume with the allegretto.
(playing upbeat melody)
(clapping in rhythm)
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yee-haw! Whoo! Whoo!
Yee-haw!
Whoo-hoo!
Felix, I'm sorry that I
messed up your audition.
No, no, no, no,
that's all right.
I just... I don't
know what comes...
I just have to do it
my way. Of course.
Listen, now for
me, play some Bach
on the guitar. No more Bach.
Will you play my
favorite, "Mountain Dew"?
No, no, no, play a
nice classical thing...
Please. I don't want to
hear anything classical.
I want "Mountain Dew"!
WILLIE: Wait, wait.
(laughs)
Can I do something for myself?
He's entitled.
(playing "Malaguena")
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Olé!
Whoo!
All right.
Are you happy?
He finally played Bach for you.
(loud pop, music stops)
(resumes playing)
(loud pop, music stops)
(loud pop)
(resumes playing)
Pick it up.
(music stops)
I believe this is yours.
Kindly dispose of it.
It's flat.
Don't disturb me.
I've got to practice.
(resumes playing) Why? We
trying to get rid of another neighbor?
(music stops)
My opera club's having
its recital next week.
I'm the accompanist.
We doing a program
of Mozart and muffins.
Mozart's music, my muffins.
Have to practice.
(resumes playing)
Practice all you want.
It won't bother us.
(music stops)
"It won't bother us"?
Yeah. I invited a
houseguest for the week.
Who?
My old army buddy,
Wild Willie Boggs.
No, sir! No! No! No, sir!
Take it easy, will you?
He's appearing with a rodeo
down at Madison
Square Garden for a week.
I will not have him in
this house again this year.
What am I supposed
to say to my friend,
go stay in a hotel?
Besides, he's a fun guy.
Squirting flowers and
joy buzzers are not fun.
A pony in my
bathtub was not fun.
Oh, so he pulls a
few harmless pranks.
You didn't have to
clean up the bathroom.
Listen, if it wasn't for
his sense of humor,
I don't think I'd have
gotten through basic training.
What did he do, short-sheet
the colonel's bed?
How did you know?
(door buzzer sounding)
There he is! You listen to me.
What? Listen, he's
going to behave himself
in this house or out he goes.
This is not a corral here;
he's going to be a gentleman.
You understand? Okay.
He'll get out,
dribble glass and all.
All right, all right.
Hey! Oscar!
(both laughing)
Whoo! Oh, what happened to you?!
You're putting it on! Whoo!
Felix!
Hello, Mr. Boggs.
I didn't want to impose
on you empty-handed,
so I stopped by and got
some chicken in a bucket.
Ah.
That's very kind of you.
Thank you very much.
(Oscar and Willie laughing)
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Yesterday, when I was young ♪
♪ So many happy songs ♪
♪ Were waiting to be sung ♪
♪ So many wild pleasures ♪
♪ Lay in store for me ♪
♪ And so much pain my
dazzled eyes refused to see ♪
♪ I ran so fast that time ♪
♪ And youth at last ran out ♪
♪ I never stopped to think ♪
♪ What life was all about ♪
♪ And every conversation
I can now recall ♪
♪ Concerned itself with me ♪
♪ And nothing else at all ♪
♪ There are so many songs
in me that won't be sung ♪
♪ I feel the bitter taste
of tears upon my tongue ♪
♪ The time has
come for me to pay ♪
♪ For yesterday ♪
♪ When I was young. ♪
Oh... (laughing)
Oh, that was terrific!
That was terrific!
All right, give me the guitar.
Look at the guitar. Okay.
Now, I want you
to do my favorite.
Come on. You got to
do my favorite. (chuckles)
Once, at least.
♪ Down the road there from me ♪
♪ There's a big hollow tree ♪
♪ Where you lay
down a dollar or two ♪
Yeah!
♪ Well, you go round the bend ♪
♪ When you come back again ♪
♪ There's a jug full of
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ Well, they call it that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ And them that
refuse it are few ♪
♪ I'll hush up my mug
if you'll fill up my jug ♪
♪ With some good
old mountain dew ♪
♪ Now my brother Bill's
got a still on the hill ♪
♪ Where he runs off ♪
♪ A gallon or two ♪
♪ And the buzzards
in the... sky ♪
♪ Get so drunk they can't fly ♪
♪ From a-smellin' that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ Well, they call it that
good old mountain dew ♪
♪ And them that
refuse it are few ♪
♪ I'll hush up my mug
if you'll fill up my jug ♪
♪ With some good
old mountain dew. ♪
Yeah!
(Willie and Oscar laughing)
OSCAR: Oh, I love it.
WILLIE: Whoo! Whoo!
I can do that over and...
It's been a long time.
Yeah. Hey, Felix, Felix,
ain't he something, huh?
It's very good...
for what it is.
Play another one, will you?
FELIX: No.
WILLIE: Well, I don't
have time anyway, Oscar.
I've got to get ready
for the rodeo. Oh.
But I do want to thank
you, Felix, for what you said
about my singing and playing.
(grunts) I know you
know a lot about music.
Well, you're more than welcome.
Shake?
(laughing)
You think that's funny?
It is funny. It is funny?
You think that's funny?
Yes!
My napkin.
Oh, he's such a funny guy.
What a wonderful
person to have around.
He's a... Oh, knock it off.
He's been in the
house half a day,
already I've sat on his
whoopee cushions three times.
(laughing)
He glued my shoes to the floor,
and he greased the toilet seat.
That's because
he's a fun-loving guy,
and he likes to
see people laugh.
You notice he
doesn't do it to me.
Because I think it's funny.
He does it to you
because you're stuffy
and don't have a sense of humor.
I don't have a sense
of humor? That's right.
Me? Yeah.
The one who had them
rolling in the trenches at Anzio
with my imitation
of Noel Coward?
You think that was funny?
What do you think's funny?
"Good evening,
ladies and germs."
Yeah! (laughing)
You'll love this one.
A man walks into an elevator.
There's a naked woman.
He says, "My wife's got an
outfit just like that at home."
(laughing)
Boy, that's funny!
That's funny.
I got to be getting
down to the rodeo.
I sure hate that I'm gonna miss
one of your fine
dinners tonight.
Well, I'm certain you'll make
it for breakfast, won't you?
Felix, you seem a bit testy.
Have I been getting
on your nerves?
I have a feeling that
you don't like me.
I don't like your-your
pranks very much.
That's because
you've never tried 'em.
You ought to try 'em one time.
I don't think so.
You want to pull a great
prank on Oscar while I'm gone?
No. What?
This rubber hot dog.
Oh, they're a gas!
A rubber hot dog?
Yeah, he takes
one bite out of it
and then chews it all
night long. It's rubber.
I wish I could be here to see
the expression on his face.
Thank you very much.
Oscar! OSCAR: Yes?
Oscar, listen, dinner won't
be ready for about an hour,
but I have a little snack
for you if you'd like it.
One of your favorites.
What do you got?
Yeah, nice cold hot dog,
just the way you like it.
Put a lot of mustard on it.
With a lot of mustard, yeah.
That's nice of you. (chuckles)
Well... Ooh, that's terrific.
How is it?
The bun's a little stale.
Here, have some dessert.
(playing classical music)
(playing along)
(stops playing piano)
(playing country riff)
(laughing)
That's-that's quite a surprise.
Mozart, wasn't it?
Yes, it was.
Till you turned it into Memphis.
You like good music?
Yes, one of my first loves.
Really?
Hey, you know this?
Vivaldi.
Wow, can you play this?
Well, I... it's been a while.
What happens? Does
the fiddle explode?
This is a real violin.
The bow is made of licorice?
I'm very serious now.
Well, just start from here.
One, two, three.
(both playing classical music)
(music stops)
You are good.
Well, you know, I
used to practice a lot.
In fact, I had a scholarship
before I went in the army.
No kidding. Why'd
you give it up?
Well, sitting in a room all day
practicing on the violin
is not my idea of fun.
I like to get out
with the people
and joke, make 'em laugh.
No. Fun is mesmerizing
an audience of thousands.
Fun is the happiness your
gift can bring to other people.
Let's do this one again.
One, two, three.
(both playing classical music)
(music stops)
En garde!
Hey, that's great!
You like dueling!
No, not dueling.
What you were doing,
the playing, that was terrific.
You see that? You see
the reaction of that man?
Now, that's fun.
You really liked that, Oscar?
I'm telling you, it
was sensational!
You guys excuse me.
What's this all about?
(playing scale on violin)
Congratulations.
For what?
You just turned that man
into a concert violinist.
I did?
You're a magician.
I am?
Then how come I can't
make you disappear?
(classical violin music playing)
OSCAR: Come on, Willie.
You been practicing
for three days.
I want you to meet
my friend, Murray.
You'll love him.
He can direct
traffic with his nose.
Murray. (laughs)
Is this the guy?
Wild Willie Boggs,
meet Murray the cop.
How's it going?
Uh-uh. I heard
about you. (laughing)
I'm not falling for
that one. (chuckles)
Come on, let's all sit
down. Grab a chair, Murray.
Ooh, ooh! (laughing)
You almost got me that time.
Oscar, what would have
happened if I sat in that chair?
See, that's the beauty part.
You never know
with Wild Willie, see?
(laughs)
(strumming quietly)
Willie, tell him about the time
we were stationed in Tokyo.
Go ahead. You're
gonna love this, I tell ya.
Well, we went into
this geisha house.
MURRAY (laughing): Yeah, yeah.
Stayed about two days and
then went on back to the base.
That's not funny, Oscar.
He's warming up.
Willie, you didn't tell
him what happened
when they served dinner.
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes. Oh, this...
You won't be able
to stand this one.
Well, we took our
shoes off, Yeah.
Sat around on
all these cushions.
Two beautiful girls
brought all this food in
and Oscar and me ate too much.
Oscar, he's no Morey Amsterdam.
I don't understand you, Willie!
You can't even break up Murray
and he laughs at police lineups.
I'm sorry. I don't
have time for all of this.
I've got to practice.
I've got to learn a
very difficult number.
Nice meeting you, Murray.
Boy, I tell you, you're
not a fun guy anymore.
I'll tell you that.
I've seen guys in
traction funnier than you.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
I'm sorry, Murray.
Well, he seems like a nice
guy, but he just wasn't funny.
He used to be.
Felix ruined him.
He ruined my funniest friend.
I thought I was
his funniest friend.
(playing classical violin music)
Play "Melancholy Baby"!
Do you have to be such a boor?
Do you realize you're
tampering with a man's life?
Why don't you go in there
and tell him he
doesn't have to do this?
You know what you are? What?
You're the kind of man
who ruins the world.
How?
He sticks an umbrella
down my pants,
opens it, and you
scream with laughter.
'Cause it's funny.
You have a hotfoot mentality.
And what about you?
You turn a former funny guy
into a mummy in a violin case.
I hope you're very
happy with yourself.
I'm delighted. Okay.
You know what's gonna
happen here Saturday afternoon?
Sure, you're gonna
shampoo the rug.
After that.
You know who's coming
to my opera recital?
Who? Boris Kalnikov.
Hooray!
Boris Kalnikov, the
concert impresario.
With one wave of his cane,
he can give him a
whole new career.
I'm gonna have
Willie play for him.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, be still my heart.
Now listen to me.
His dinner's in the oven.
Serve it to him in one hour.
Shall I slip it to him
under his cell door?
I shudder to think what
would have happened
if you'd been a friend
of Michelangelo's.
There'd be no Sistine Chapel.
You'd have said, "Leave
your brushes, Mike.
We'll go tip over gondolas."
All right, everyone, here we go.
Meeting will come to order!
All right, the meeting
will come to order.
Come on, everybody. Sit down.
Sit down, everybody.
Please sit down.
Sit down. No! No, you can't have
the biggest chair this
time. Oh, my dear boy.
No, we're saving that chair
for something very special.
Members of the Lexington
Avenue Opera Club,
welcome to Mozart and Muffins.
Mozart made the music,
and I made the muffins.
So, help yourself
as you see fit.
Now... Well, just...
Oh, no, don't take any of those.
Those are for our honored
speaker. Take some of those.
All right, everybody.
Sit down. Sit down.
We have a great
big surprise for you.
We're going to
have a surprise guest
and a surprise performer.
But to start things off,
our own Fred Flescher
will sing an aria for us
that he has been
working on for 14 years.
(applause)
I shall sing "Il Mio Tesoro."
From Don Giovanni.
♪ Il mio tesoro intanto ♪
♪ Andate ♪
♪ Andate ♪
♪ A consolar... ♪
Sing away.
♪ ...E del bel
ciglio il pianto ♪
♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪
♪ Cercate ♪
♪ Cercate ♪
♪ Cercate di asciugar ♪
♪ Cercate... ♪
(buzzer sounding)
(holding note)
Ah, Mr. Kalnikov.
Come in.
Oh, such an honor.
Thank you, Mr. Flescher.
(singing continues)
Ladies and gentlemen,
members of the Opera Club,
this is Mr. Boris Kalnikov.
(continues singing) A
famous... a famous...
Shut up, Flescher!
Sit down. Have a muffin.
Ah.
Isn't he talented?
He could use a
little more practice.
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.
I wanted to make
a good impression.
Never mind the impression.
You're not Rich Little.
I came to hear the
cowboy violinist.
And you will hear him last.
No, I will hear him first.
Ah, well, let me explain
my thinking, Mr. Kalnikov.
I, too, am something
of an impresario.
Mr. William Boggs is our star.
I thought you'd hear
all of our group first
and then as a big
finale, our top performer.
Let me explain my thinking.
I will hear your
top performer first
and then I will go
home and have dinner.
Good thinking.
Are you ready, William?
WILLIE: All set.
Honored guest,
ladies and gentlemen
of the Lexington
Avenue Opera Club,
Felix Unger presents
a startling new talent,
born of poor, but industrious
sharecropper parents,
in a one-room cabin in
Gooseberry, Kentucky...
Boring!
And so without further ado,
I present Mr. William Boggs.
(applause)
(piano playing)
(playing melancholy music)
(playing upbeat melody)
Stop!
That's enough!
You are a genius!
FELIX: Oh!
Do you really think so?
Kalnikov knows a
genius when he sees one.
Oh, I'm so glad you agree
with me. And you,
sir, you're an idiot.
Why do you say that?
Kalnikov knows an
idiot when he sees one.
Aren't you the great
Wild Willie Boggs?
Yes.
Well, then, sir,
you're a genius.
You are the funniest
man I ever saw.
Don't you remember
me from the rodeo?
You set fire to my cape.
Was that you?
Who else would wear
a cape in Phoenix?
You crazy guy.
But... what did you think
of the way he played
the "Czardash"?
Oh, 90 guys can
play the same way.
Boring!
But Wild Willie Boggs...
he's one of a kind.
What I do now, Oscar?
Willie, that's your decision.
Now what is it you
really want to do?
Well, I'd like to
play some more.
Good! Good!
Wonderful!
Uh, are you in
opera or the rodeo?
No, I'm in baseball.
Are you Hank Aaron?
No.
FELIX: Mr. Boggs will
resume with the allegretto.
(playing upbeat melody)
(clapping in rhythm)
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yee-haw! Whoo! Whoo!
Yee-haw!
Whoo-hoo!
Felix, I'm sorry that I
messed up your audition.
No, no, no, no,
that's all right.
I just... I don't
know what comes...
I just have to do it
my way. Of course.
Listen, now for
me, play some Bach
on the guitar. No more Bach.
Will you play my
favorite, "Mountain Dew"?
No, no, no, play a
nice classical thing...
Please. I don't want to
hear anything classical.
I want "Mountain Dew"!
WILLIE: Wait, wait.
(laughs)
Can I do something for myself?
He's entitled.
(playing "Malaguena")
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Olé!
Whoo!
All right.
Are you happy?
He finally played Bach for you.